tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46340684582503654212024-03-05T02:07:38.007-05:00You miss your old familiar friendsWaiting just around the bendMilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.comBlogger116125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-49687865575462089972022-01-10T18:49:00.001-05:002022-01-10T18:49:24.330-05:00RIP Bob Saget<p><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj8uYJU8D7asK0EnzsvfGuaCNhptmVkanowQNWq_fsawB91hgUEm8222HklzRtx_TOBbyTZ3NNquR2PoHzVYE8xHYH_7RZuIlij_Joz02QMm2fLNZ5QKkz0oz65OhY2Cuvbqiq5-KdkVCvg51g5CQnKb2d9jsob1PGYdUV-ZbGCANPKAIdTOruWvLOvpA=s1200" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="1200" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj8uYJU8D7asK0EnzsvfGuaCNhptmVkanowQNWq_fsawB91hgUEm8222HklzRtx_TOBbyTZ3NNquR2PoHzVYE8xHYH_7RZuIlij_Joz02QMm2fLNZ5QKkz0oz65OhY2Cuvbqiq5-KdkVCvg51g5CQnKb2d9jsob1PGYdUV-ZbGCANPKAIdTOruWvLOvpA=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;">May 17, 1956-January 9, 2022</div><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">You were America's Dad.</span></span></p>MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-9834217615590157062016-02-27T05:22:00.003-05:002016-02-27T05:22:52.811-05:00Fuller HouseOh yes. Finally, the motivation I've needed after a near 4 long hiatus... Full House has been given new life via the reboot "Fuller House" on Netflix. And yes, Virginia, there IS enough wine to fuel a viewing with much bloggery to follow. I assume most everyone who ever read this blog has long since departed, but just in case you haven't, I'm baa-aaack!MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-65607632345563176502012-12-13T14:33:00.002-05:002012-12-13T14:33:55.873-05:00Holiday UpdateSorry y'all. Shit's been uber cray cray with the holidays, but I have a slew of FH's stored on my DVR and some half-written drafts written up so I'll try to post a few recaps before Christmas.MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-59763018009805742642012-10-15T04:14:00.002-04:002012-10-15T04:25:13.009-04:00"'Am I the Raddest, Baddest Dad you ever had?' 'You were until you said that.'" or Crushed (5.16)<br />
Another episode sans the opening scene? And this time, I know for sure it wasn't some DVR trickey. You're really slacking on me, Season Five. <br />
<br />
We open with Jesse and Becky and the twins in the kitchen. Joey comes in and proclaims the twins are his "biggest fans" (try, your ONLY fans, Gladstone). Joey proceeds to torture all of us with his tired ass Bullwinkle routine. The babies laugh, and Jesse and Becky inform Joey to not get too excited because even Jesse blowing his proud Greek nose causes them to crack up.<br />
<br />
Because she can't allow anyone to ever do anything that doesn't concern her ever, Ug marches in and states that she can make the twins laugh too. Only she can't.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdTOPQsIeWrvgL9Z9wsFQVuQyRe3DvHiitY5o3feq4Xrwoy2YtbfHLtCLp9k73HO_aMsPMg215JBysFNkD8ajEqoE5hBKJLEEM661iZEC0XuVBiarVaVWXxS7AwGfDO59ouf0aem-aAt7s/s1600/192390d1325647214-van-halen-633861426363034370-facepalm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdTOPQsIeWrvgL9Z9wsFQVuQyRe3DvHiitY5o3feq4Xrwoy2YtbfHLtCLp9k73HO_aMsPMg215JBysFNkD8ajEqoE5hBKJLEEM661iZEC0XuVBiarVaVWXxS7AwGfDO59ouf0aem-aAt7s/s320/192390d1325647214-van-halen-633861426363034370-facepalm.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
"Michelle-winkle"? Seriously? Becky and Jesse pretend the twins were just tired, and quickly whisk them away before their entire day is consumed by the Ugly one. She tells Joey she wants to be funny "just like you." ....'Kay. Not going to touch that one. They wander off doing something called a "power laugh" and I feel so bad for anyone who crosses that duo's path.<br />
<br />
Stephanie and DJ come down and Stephanie is begging her father to let her ditch school because 1. It's her birthday, and 2. Some tween heartthrob named Tommy Page is guesting on WUSF and she wants to meet him. Steph lays the guilt trip on pretty thick, but Danny is firm in his refusal, but later reveals to DJ he's already lined Tommy up to make a guest appearance at Stephanie's party and sing to her.<br />
<br />
Fast forward to Stephanie's party. Lots of young girls are dancing and Uncle Jesse saunters through the crowd inappropriately thrusting behind them. Kinda squicky. DJ Joey Badstone is spinning the jams. Stephanie notices that none of the boys are dancing and enlists resident perv Uncle Jesse to get them to dance. They refuse, so Jesse suggests ladies' choice, and naturally they all rush to him. He shoves them off, but you know deep down, if Becky wasn't there, he'd have been all over that.<br />
<br />
C&C Music Factory is pumping and Steph busts into some sick choreography. Hey, remember when Steph wanted to be a dancer? Neither does anyone else, because by Season Five this shit was almost entirely the Michelle show. Speaking of that UgSnot, she's trying (and failing (that's two fails only 5 minutes into the show!)) to follow suit and ends up just messing up one of the other girl's dancing. You know that girl was pissed. She thought this was going to be her big break, dancing on a major sitcom, and her seamless choreography is fucked up by a bumbling child.<br />
<br />
DJ comes in with a ravenous Kimmy who is desperately trying to get her hands on some of that sweet, sweet Tommy Page ass. And really, who can blame her?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGpIkMSMMKQ9rqY0qMNVgE-9eo393MaW6kgCDyjmXFGcaclsa2rqu6jTxNU_YE0PTucIa3qumD6woXArym7Z69h5KQWw9KP2kk6ksGEJZczxFx3mOFgGULRq_I41OUgjC8EFxHROHXzAlA/s1600/numata_002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGpIkMSMMKQ9rqY0qMNVgE-9eo393MaW6kgCDyjmXFGcaclsa2rqu6jTxNU_YE0PTucIa3qumD6woXArym7Z69h5KQWw9KP2kk6ksGEJZczxFx3mOFgGULRq_I41OUgjC8EFxHROHXzAlA/s1600/numata_002.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
"Paintings In My Mind"? Shit's deep, man. A quick Google search tells me
that this Tommy Page fellow actually did exist and have a music career.
All this time I assumed he was a made up celebrity for the show. Allegedly he had some hit song I've never heard of in 1990 entitled "I'll Be Your Everything."<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/9tknTDExJb8?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
You're welcome.<br />
<br />
Danny attempts to put the fear of God into Kimmy to keep her hands off of Tommy, but everybody knows you can't keep the Gibbler down. DJ gives Joey the signal, he cuts the music and Jesse begins playing the intro to some awful ballad on his keyboard and Tommy Page walks in and begins serenading Steph with a song entitled "Stephanie." All the girls sway in the background and all the guys grumble amongst themselves that they could take this dude in a fight. I gotta say, Tommy has like zero charisma and stage presence.<br />
<br />
The song ends and DJ loosens her grip on Kimmy, and she bolts into Tommy's arms. She asks him to sign an autograph that says "To Kimmy, the woman of my dreams" to which Danny snarks that Tommy writes music, "not science fiction." Ouch! A sizzling burn for the Tan-Man!<br />
<br />
Jesse embarrasses himself trying to whore out his music to Tommy who could not be less impressed. Ug obviously demands he start working on her song for her upcoming birthday in November. He laughs and tells her she's funny and she informs him she's in "comedy college" and unleashes that gawdawful power laugh on him. Say it with me now, STFU Ug!<br />
<br />
DJ introduces herself, and after the shitshow that just transpired, makes a glowing impression. Tommy asks her to show him around the major sights of San Fran. Ruh roh.<br />
<br />
Stephanie is in the midst of planning her wedding to Tommy with San Francisco's premier wedding planner, Comet the Golden Retriever. Just then, DJ and Tommy come bursting through the kitchen door, and not seeing Stephanie, gush about the wonderful day they had. Tommy even offers to get her backstage passes to his show tonight and oh, Deej. You're so going to have to put out. He gives her a kiss on the lips and heads downstairs to cut some tracks with Jesse. DJ is elated and Stephanie, still completely unnoticed, runs upstairs, totally distraught and heartbroken. Perhaps it was this moment, when she was spurned by a one-"hit" wonder that set her on a path towards drugs? I never read Jodi Sweetin's autobiography, so I'm not sure, but I like attributing it to Tommy Page.<br />
<br />
Joey and Michelle intrude upon Becky & Jesse's attic apartment for Michelle to try her new comedy routine on the twins. Still not funny. She gets a cheap giggle out of the boys by shoving the pie in Joey's face. He chases her out of the room with threats of a "sloppy kiss." Vom.<br />
<br />
Stephanie then comes in (boy, does anyone ever knock? Bet they're glad they gave up Becky's place to live in the attic now!) and asks to talk to Becky, woman-to-woman. She asks Becky what she would do if another woman stole Uncle Jesse from her. Becky spouts some BS that that would never happen because they're so in love and committed, but ends with a menacing, "She wouldn't know what hit her." Bwah! I like Becky with an edge. Stephanie marches off to lay waste to DJ "The Scuzz Queen."<br />
<br />
Kimmy comes over to continue to stalk Tommy and wants all of DJ's dirty deets on her day with Tommy. Kimmy is uber-jealous, but backs down pretty easily and wishes her well. That's pretty cool. Most girls would probably try and snake him.<br />
<br />
Down in the studio, Tommy finishes the song and Jesse tells him how appreciative they are. Tommy admits that he actually wrote the song for his <b>girlfriend</b>, Melanie. What an asshole. If I was his girlfriend, I'd be pissed that he was gallivanting around San Francisco and locking lips with DJ. What a pig. The red light goes off and DJ is down the stairs faster than... um... faster than Kim Kardashian's marriage. She pretends she wasn't staring at the light, but does a poor job covering it.<br />
<br />
Stephanie comes down with a box of photos determined to ruin DJ's blossoming romance with Tommy. Some of these pics include DJ with the mumps, her first bath, and baby DJ with a fanny rash. DJ yanks Stephanie by the arm and hauls her out of the basement. The girls bicker in the kitchen over who is Tommy's rightful girlriend and begin chasing each other around the house, with the three men in tow.<br />
<br />
The finally pull the girls apart and Stephanie's proof that Tommy was her's is that he signed her CD "Love, Tommy." Joey quickly bursts that bubble by pointing out that Tommy signed <i>his</i> CD "Love, Tommy." And I need to just take a moment and point out that Joey is wearing one of the fugliest sweaters known to man: a red sweater that reads "Tomato Ketch-" that is supposed to mimic a ketchup bottle. Hideous.<br />
<br />
Danny lets Steph down gently, and DJ butts in that Stephanie has a little girl crush, but her fling with Tommy is the real deal. Tommy finally emerges from the basement and states that he just wants to be friends with both girls. I really wish DJ called him out for kissing her on the lips, which, I'm sorry, but I still maintain it is so inappropriate for a guy with a girlfriend to do. Tommy then walks out the door and into obscurity.<br />
<br />
Stephanie is moping in bed and DJ joins her operating on the notion of misery loves company. DJ says that she'll never steal any of Steph's boyfriends (duh, they'll be 5 years younger, so that would be mad creepy and socially unacceptable for a long time), because men come and go, but sister's are forever. She also demands that Steph turn over all of the embarrassing photos, and she agrees. DJ leaves and Stephanie smiles, turns on her recording of "Stephanie" and curls up with Mr. Bear. I leave you with that rocking tune now, readers. Enjoy. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/6AanBNGZxpw?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
Also,<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>TOMMY PAGE > THE BIEBS</b><br />
<br />
Jus' sayin'.<br />
<br />MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-2220568094865476662012-10-13T15:00:00.000-04:002012-10-13T15:00:03.317-04:00"Right after that, I'm going to wrestle a bobcat with my bare hands!" or Play it Again, Jesse (5.15)<br />
No opener? Or my DVR cut it off. The world may never know. Credits! Aaaand we're off.<br />
<br />
Jesse is in the kitchen with the boys, and Becky is sad because she's finally returning her lazy ass to work and will miss them. Danny comes in and is equally bummed because it's the "Wake Up, San Francisco" "Farewell to Vicki" show... as well as the "Welcome Back Becky" show. Ha, Danny hates Becky. Joey comes in and his neck is thrown out so he's stuck staring at the ceiling.<br />
<br />
The girls come downstairs and Stephanie is begging DJ to borrow her clothes. DJ repeatedly refuses, and as soon as she's out the door, Stephanie reveals to Ug that she is wearing DJ's sweater. We all know where this is going.
The phone rings and it's the record company. Jesse asks if they loved the song... then did they at least like it? Could they learn to like it? Doesn't sound like a hit, Jess. He compares his music to bleu cheese, which he used to think smelled like sweatsocks, but now he loves it! The record company isn't biting and Jesse hangs up, defeated.<br />
<br />
On the set of "WUSF," Danny and Vicki are getting emotional and nearly start making out on camera. The unprofessionalism only starts there, folks. Danny springs on Vicki that the station manager is offering her a job to do the weather, and Vicki springs it on Danny that that would be swell, but she was already offered a news anchor job... in Chicago. Danny is crestfallen and they continue this awkward conversation until Becky walks out on set and says she's just going to go ahead and welcome herself back.<br />
<br />
Jesse is at the supermarket shopping for groceries with the boys and girls. Steph and Ug are trying to overload the cart with junk food. Jesse spies some Elvis Peanut Butter. He notices that Nicky dropped a load in his diaper and sticks what appears to be a urinal cake on his ass. Why Jesse is purchasing urinal cakes, I cannot say.<br />
<br />
Steph and Michelle stop by a "Funky Franks" food sampling table and ends up squirting mustard all over DJ's sweater. Ug states the obvious, and Steph retorts "Tell me something I don't know." Ug then proceeds to tell her that Steph that dropped her toothbrush in the toilet the day before. Stephanie looks rightfully horrified. I wish she would punch her.<br />
<br />
At home, Michelle boasts that she set the table, looking for accolades from Uncle Jesse. Stephanie retrieves DJ's sweater from the dryer and to her dismay, find it has shrunk to a doll's size. DJ and Kimmy come in and Stephanie darts out of the room frantically trying to find a way to fix her mistake. Nobody wants to eat Jesse's dinner and he snits about it, prompting Kimmy to say that he sounds just like her mother, "only more bitter." Bwah! Kimmy Gibbler FTMFW!<br />
<br />
Joey comes in and his neck is still out, but now facing downward. He informs Jesse that Danny & Becky have to work late and he is heading to the chiropractor, so no one will be eating dinner. Jesse sits down to eat with Ug and laments that he needs to do something with his life, because he's not digging this Suzy Homemaker lifestyle.<br />
<br />
Jesse is expertly multitasking, rocking the boys in swings while sewing a button onto Mr. Woodchuck. Becky and Danny come in, and Danny is still distraught over Vicki's departure. Jesse tells Becky that the record company turned him down, but he scored a gig with an oldies band in the airport lounge. Becky whines that this is supposed to be their time together. Well, I guess you should have come home in time for dinner then, Beck. Jesse feels emasculated by Becky being the breadwinner, and she insults his stupid macho pride and he shoots back that he has no pride anymore. Shit. He storms off.<br />
<br />
In the girls' room, Michelle comes in wearing the shrunken sweater, and DJ notices it is the same one she has... right down to the very same missing button. Stephanie confesses and swears she'll make it up to her. DJ informs her that the sweater actually belongs to Kimmy, and that she'll have to make it up to her. Kimmy states that she's well overdue for a pedicure and begins to peel off her socks prompting Steph and Ug to run screaming out of the room.<br />
<br />
At the airport lounge, Jesse is playing with The Diplomats singing "Glow Worm." And might I add that The Diplomats are rocking some seriously fly suit coats. Pastel plaid with black collar/trim. Amazeballs. The family comes in to see Vicki off and Joey almost gets his ass beat by some tough guy who mistakes his stiff neck for a staredown.<br />
<br />
Jesse and The Diplomats launch into "As Time Goes By" from Casablanca, which serves as the backdrop for Danny and Vicki's farewell. Vicki offers to take the job in San Francisco, and Danny worries that she will hate him if she gives up her dream for him. Vicki protests, "I could never hate you... I may resent you a little." Bwah! Danny gives Vicki his best Humphrey Bogart, and insists that she get on that plane and they share a passionate kiss. She dashes off but returns immediately. Turns out she has no ticket or luggage. Danny can't believe he has to say goodbye all over again, and Vicki tells him that "We'll always have the terminal lounge."<br />
<br />
Becky tells Jesse that he doesn't have to play with The Diplomats, and that he needs to work on his own music. Jesse states that he will continue to work on his music but he needs to take these gigs too. Because whether he makes $1 million or $1, he needs to contribute some money to his family because he's a man. Becky finally gets it and STFU. He hops back on stage to "rock out" with The Diplomats, and I really feel as though these guys were underutilized. They should have kept up this arc for at least 6 episodes, because...
<b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>THE DIPLOMATS > THE RIPPERS</b><br />
<br />
Jus' sayin'.<br />
<br />MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-64786165767602386322012-10-12T16:07:00.002-04:002012-10-12T16:10:03.409-04:00"What is it with you kids and Ding-Dongs?" or Sisters in Crime (5.14)<br />
Jesse and Becky are in the kitchen, engaged in a burping contest with the twins in order to escape diaper duty for the remainder of the day. Naturally, it wouldn't be a Full House opening segment without UgTot popping up to butt her nose in. When Jesse tells her they are having a contest to see who burps force, UgTot belches loudly with an "In Your Face" and depart. Charming.<br />
<br />
Becky is preparing the twins for a trip to the infamous Aunt Ida's. Joey, Jesse and Danny come out dressed in full hockey gear ready for a day of male bonding via a charity hockey game. The doorbell rings and it's Vicki acting like a cat in heat, salivating over Danny in his manly goalie uniform. Jesse rubs the twins' heads for good luck and tells Becky that if their hair doesn't start growing soon "I'm buying them matching baby toupees." Womp womp.<br />
<br />
With all the adults on their way out the door, we learn that poor DJ sacrificed her Saturday night to baby-sit Stephanie and Ug because Hunka-Hunk Steve never called. Danny's parting words to DJ include making sure Stephanie finishes her book report and keeping Ug inside because the princess has the sniffles. So you know Deej is going to fail on both accounts- Sitcom foreshadowing!<br />
<br />
In the kitchen, Stephanie is trying to play the role of the dutiful good daughter and is hard at work on her book report. Unfortunately for her, she has an Ug sniffling her bratty boogers in her ear. Oh Ug, how I loathe you... let me count the ways.
Back in the living room, the doorbell rings and it's none other than "I was the voice of Aladdin" Steve. Turns out he wasn't blowing DJ off, but sent a note through some of her friends to ask her out. It's called a telephone, Steve. Ever heard of it? Steve wants to go to the movies, and DJ is about to drop her panties and run out the door, but she remembers her baby-sitting duties. Desperate for a piece of that Steve sandwich, DJ suggests that she just bring her "adorable" sisters along. I'm sure Steve is thrilled.<br />
<br />
DJ rushes into the kitchen to tell Steph and Ug to put on their coats because they are going to the movies. Ug snots back that she isn't allowed to leave the house because "Dad said." Oh sure, the one time Michelle actually listens and wants to follow the rules is at the expense of her sister's love life. DJ tries to sell Steve's appeal on her sisters: "You don't get it. The hottest guy in the junior class is in our living room. He has his own car. And he can grow a mustache in less than a month." Steve offers DJ an out, because he knows he won't be feeling up on any of that Tanner tittay in the back row of the theater with the chillens present.<br />
<br />
Stephanie and Michelle are thoroughly unimpressed with Steve. Steph demands to see his driver's license and Ug challenges him, "Let's see you grow a mustache." Steve tries to hurry them along because <i>Thunder Raceway</i> starts in a half hour. Methanie, I mean Stephanie, has to be a total buzzkill and refuses to see the movie because it's PG and she lacks parental guidance. Turns out the only G movie playing is something called <i>The Littlest Sea Lion</i>, which delights both Ug and Steph.
Man, Steve must be really hard up, because he agrees to see <i>The Littlest Sea Lion</i> stating, "Hey it's alright. Hopefully, we won't even be watching the movie." Which, ew. Really dude? In front of her little sisters? Maybe we should call you Skeeve.<br />
<br />
At the theater, Meth and Ug blew through all of DJ's money on a smorgasbord of movie snacks, rendering DJ unable to purchase tickets. Steve only has money for himself and DJ and wonders if they should just forget about their date. DJ is desperate for a piece of that skeevy Aladdin action, so she finds Kimmy, who is an usher in the theater (convenient!) and she agrees to sneak the little rugrats in.
Stephanie of course can't just walk into the theater and leave well enough alone, she has to interrogate Kimmy and DJ for her stubs. I don't know why Steve didn't just give her his and DJ's stubs, but instead, Kimmy makes up some story that they were the millionth customers and won a free movie pass.<br />
<br />
In the theater, DJ separates herself from the brats so she can get all up on Steve. The theater manager comes up and asks for their stubs because lately they've had incidents of kids theater hopping. Ah theater hopping, a former favorite past time of mine. I remember when <i>Gladiator</i> came out, I was only 15 so my friend and I bought tickets to some G rated cartoon and we snuck in so we could enjoy Russell Crowe in all of his muscular, hot, sexy, bloody goodness. Uh, but I digress.<br />
<br />
Kimmy sees this all go down and alerts DJ who is throat deep on Steve's face that her sisters were busted. DJ is of course only worried about herself and what will happen if they call her Dad. Kimmy is concerned about losing her job and hopes that they won't rat her out. Cut to Stephanie in the manager's office, spelling out Gibbler to ensure that she's fired. Although she's normally my fave, I've got to say that Stephanie is kind of a shit in this episode.<br />
<br />
The manager is baffled as to why Kimmy would tell them they were the one millionth customers, when the theater has only been open a week. Stephanie says that Kimmy is a nutcase. All of a sudden, DJ bursts in to save the day. She tells the manager that Stephanie and Michelle, aka "Snake" and "Sniffles," have been running this scam all over town, sneaking into various G rated movies. She defends Kimmy's innocence and assures the manager that the girls will be dealt with.<br />
<br />
At home, DJ is convincing Ug and Steph to tell Danny some "fiblets" regarding their afternoon. She tells them that the key to a fiblet is details. I beg to differ, Deej. Throwing in too many unnecessary details always screams bullshit. She tells Stephanie to say that she spent all day on her book report, enjoying a diagonally cut bologna sandwich, chocolate milk and a Ho-Ho for lunch. Stephanie requests a Ding-Dong as opposed to a Ho-Ho. DJ tells Michelle to say that they played Candy Land and Ug won. Ug would also like a fictitious Ding-Dong. When DJ tries to review the day's events, Ug reverts back to the truth. Stephanie rightly assesses that they are so busted.<br />
<br />
Danny, Jesse and Joey come in squabbling about their less than stellar hockey performance. Turns out Jesse can't skate, and Danny couldn't stop a puck to save his life. Danny was consumed by the filth among his goal and spent more time cleaning than defending, and Jesse ended up scoring the winning goal... for the other team. Jesse tells Joey that him and his mullet take the game too seriously. They begin arguing throwing around such awesome names as "Dippity Do Head", "Elmer Fudd Face" and "Mop and Glow." Bwah.<br />
<br />
Becky comes home with the twins who are covered in lip stick marks from their visit to Aunt Ida's. She chastises the guys, comparing them to chimps at the zoo. The guys are remorseful for a moment, and then resume their pissing contest by seeing who can do the most push-ups. God, just whip 'em out already, guys.<br />
<br />
Danny comes up to the girls' room and Danny fawns over how mature and responsible DJ is. DJ's inner monologue is agonizing over her deceit. Stephanie tells Danny about her day and it sounds so obviously rehearsed that DJ is convinced their busted. But, fortunately for them, Danny must have taken a few too many shots to the head because he buys it. Now it's Ug's turn and she upholds the lie! DJ laments that she turned her sisters into liars, but is comforted that at least they are good liars.<br />
<br />
Danny wants to take the girls to the movies as a reward and goes on and on about how wonderful DJ is and how she is getting a raise on her allowance. DJ finally cracks and confesses the whole thing, resulting in all three girls being grounded. "Even me? Your little princess?" Yes, even you, you little shit.<br />
<br />
Danny leaves and Steph asks why DJ confessed when they had gotten away with it. DJ asks if she ever hears the voice in her head that tells her she's doing wrong. Steph retorts, "Yeah, but I told it to shut up and listen to you." Michelle is unsurprisingly unfamiliar with the concept of a conscience and thinks it sounds like a nuisance. And is that really a surprise to anyone? Self-centered, amoral and remorseless Ug. So that's why she acts the way she does, she's a sociopath! Mystery solved.<br />
<br />
MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-52174958528431523542012-10-12T01:28:00.002-04:002012-10-12T01:28:26.788-04:00She's Baa-aack!Yes, it is I, the Milkman, risen from the ashes of an abandoned blog to once more inflict countless hours of Michelle Tanner Torture on myself to recap for the masses.
I know it's been just under 2 years since my last update, and if anyone still checks this, I'm sure you were just about to give up on me.
If anyone cares to know what I've been doing, in the past two years since I've been neglecting my blog, I've completed my Master's and picked up my life and moved it across the state.
I've finally left the stone ages and ponied up for a DVR so it's going to be a lot easier to churn out postings.
So for those of you who have hung in there, I thank you. Stay tuned for more Michelle-hating goodies!MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-83801663669490836702010-11-06T14:01:00.000-04:002010-11-09T18:47:06.112-05:00"I wonder if he has an older brother." or Silence is Not Golden (6.17)Just to preface, this is probably up in my top ten favorite FH episodes of all time (Maybe one day I'll actually assemble this vague list I've made reference to), so it will be hard for me to hate on, but I'm sure I'll find a way.<br /><br />UgSnot and Denise are watching TV with a Funny Buddy commercial. For only $2 a minute, they can buy a crappy joke that nobody will laugh at. This tedious scene is also accompanied by an extremely annoying laugh from both girls. Denise says she asked her dad for permission to call because she's not a manipulative little shit; on the flip side, UgSnot got "permission" from Danny because she asked him while he was vacuuming. God, she sucks. <br /><br />At school, Stephanie is talking to the Jennifers, one of which is TOPANGA! God, I FLOVED "Boy Meets World." And I'm talking about Flove with all sincerity, no snark. Brilliant show. Anyway, the girls are interrupted by the class lowlife Charles who makes this snappy assessment: "2 Jennifers and a Stephanie: 3 people, 1 brain, no personality!" Zing! Stephanie shoots right back with "What do you think of the human race?... We'd like an <span style="font-weight:bold;">outsider's</span> opinion." Finally their teacher breaks it up, and segues to a writing assignment she just came up with on the spot: finding the best in people. The goal is to interview each other and find the best qualities in one another, and for inspiring the assignment, Stephanie and Charles will be partners.<br /><br />Back at the house, DJ, Steve and Kimmy are hanging around the kitchen table and Jesse comes in to be his hip Uncle self. Turns out Jesse and Steve both have to read and write a book report on <span style="font-style:italic;">Catcher in the Rye</span> and whine about it. Dude, it's not even that long of a book. Everyone ignores DJ when she tells them to just suck it up and read the damn book and instead opt for the Gibbler method. No, not rent the movie (that IS the Gibbler method, but it's not on video). But the OTHER Gibbler method: each reading half of the book, just like she did with Cathy!Santoni! for their report on <span style="font-style:italic;">Much Ado About Nothing</span>. DJ quips that Cathy read "much ado" while Kimmy read nothing.<br /><br />Joey comes in with the twins who he just took from the playground. He empties their shoes of all the sand, and says he just doesn't know what it is about sandboxes as he empties his own loafer of a bucketful of sand. Haha get it? Because Joey's just a big kid. Ugh. You suck, Gladstone. To make this scene go from bad to worse, Ug and Denise come in with Funny Buddy's joke of the the day: "What did one penny say to the other? Let's get together and make some sense/cents!" Ugh. I thought I hated puns, but it turns out I hate UgPuns even more!<br /><br />Steph comes home from school and is venting to Dannny about Charles, "the Obnoxitron." Danny thinks Steph must be exaggerating and he can't be that bad. DJ and Kimmy come in and Steph turns to her eldest sister for advice citing her experience with someone rude and crude. Kim awesomely and confusedly asks, "Deej, do you have a friend I don't know about?!" DJ tells Stephanie that if she just spends some time with and gets to know them, they might not be so bad. Kimmy still doesn't get it and is getting frustrated, "Who <span style="font-weight:bold;">IS</span> this person?!" Danny tries to provide an anecdote about a guest he and Becky had on the show, but it turns out that nope, some people are just jerks.<br /><br />Charles arrives and Stephanie, ever the apple polisher, says it's nice to see him. Charles flatly retorts, "Yeah, wish I felt the same." He steamrolls right ahead and when he sees Danny, "I see where you get your looks" "Thanks." "I didn't say <span style="font-style:italic;">good</span> looks." Bwah! After they leave to go upstairs, Danny relents that maybe there isn't good in everyone, and Becky adds that Charles needs to be taught some manners. Kimmy on the other hand, is salivating and wants to know if he has an older brother. God, I love Kimmy.<br /><br />For the record, let it be known that badass Charles is rocking a black backpack with what appears to be hot pink piping. <br /><br />While Stephanie and Charles are getting underway on their assignment, Ug comes in to tell Steph she's in big trouble with Danny for forgetting to take out trash and that he'll deal with her later. And that little brat is relishing in the thought <span style="font-weight:bold;">way</span> too much. Go away Ug. Charles' demeanor softens a bit and tells Stephanie to think of something funny because that always helps him when he's getting it. Stephanie isn't getting what "it" is, and Charles clarifies he mmeans getting pounded by his dad. Steph still isn't quite getting it, and asks if he means his dad hits him. Charles refuses to say anything else until they both learn that they have dead mothers in common. Charles admits he gets hit sometimes but its his own fault for ticking his dad off. Turns out last week, ol' Chuck was sporting a black eye from "walking into a door... a door named dad." Steph urges him to tell someone, but he makes her promise to keep his secret. Just then, Charles looks down at his watch and panics when he realizes he's going to be late and didn't phone his dad. He runs off and cue the sappy music as we zoom in on conflicted, pensive Stephanie.<br /><br />The next day Charles isn't in school, and Stephanie's teacher tells her she'll be getting a new partner because Charles had an accident. Steph is immediately worried and asks her teacher for me details, and learns that he "fell down the stairs." A distressed look washes across Stephanie's face and for a moment it looks as though she's going to tell her teacher about Charles' home life, but backs away to keep her promise.<br /><br />Becky, DJ, Steve & Kimmy are in the kitchen and UgSnot and Denise come in with more of their lame jokes that no one wants to hear. The teens go so far as to outwardly groan and Becky makes them listen and pretend to laugh. Today's gem? "What's a frog's favorite soda? <span style="font-weight:bold;">CROAK</span>-a-cola!" Now I'm groaning. Jesse comes in to go over their respective halves of <span style="font-style:italic;">Catcher in the Rye</span> with Steve. Steve's dingbat synopsis of the entire first half is "Funny man." Lesson learned, next time the guys should read the whole book themselves. Reading half is like stopping eating a pizza after only six slices. Oh Steve, you and your impending heart failure. Jesse relays it's like the time he walked in halfyway through <span style="font-style:italic;">Tootsie</span>, and asked himself "Who is this ugly woman?" Steve, dim as all get out tells him, "Hey you know in <span style="font-style:italic;">Tootsie</span>, that was a guy." It looks like Jesse's brain hurts.<br /><br />Danny just got the phone bill and it's astronomical due to all the Funny Buddy charges. Knowing what a hack comic Joey is, Danny goes to confront him. Joey is immediately defensive and says every time someone leaves cheese in the hamper it's his fault. I don't even wanna know, Gladstone. Danny retorts, "The gouda was in your pants!" "Oh, like you never left a wedge of cheese in your pants!" Actually, I can proudly say that I haven't, Joey. So Joey may leave cheese in the hamper, but he didn't call no Funny Buddy.<br /><br />Ug and Denise come in with another joke, "How do you know an elephant's been in your refrigerator?" But oh snap! Danny's got the punchline! "By the footprints in the butter." Okay, that's not even like remotely funny. Danny busts Ug for the calls and when he finds out she knew they cost money but did it anyway (on account of she's soulless) he's pissed. She tries to get off by saying she'll never do it again and tries to dip out, but Danny says sometimes saying your sorry isn't enough. Because Ug just doesn't know when to quit being a little shit, she brats that sometimes it is. Danny sends her up to her room, and says her bedtime will be an hour early all week, no buts. <br /><br />Ug stomps upstairs angrily and holy shit! Danny actually showed a spine to Princess Michelle, but this one time event was just a means to foil the Charles situation. Ug is running her mouth off about how mean and terrible Danny is, and Stephanie tells her to STFU. They're bickering goes back and forth as they get louder.<br /><br />Uncle Jesse, finally attempting to read <span style="font-style:italic;">Catcher in the Rye</span> in its entirety, hears the commotion and storms in to break it up, calling the girls Itchy and Scratchy (w00t w00t, "Simpsons" shout-out! How pop culture savvy!). Jesse pretty much says Ug was punished for good reason, and to suck it up. Man, why couldn't all episodes have the adults not taking shit from Michelle like this? Jesse then notices Steph is still worked up about how lucky they are to have a father like Danny because some kids get it much worse. Jesse asks where all of this is coming from, but Stephanie doesn't want to say. Jesse tells her to use common sense and her best judgment. She asks him to keep a secret and he tells her he cant keep it unless he knows what it is. Stephanie laments that that's what she should have told Charles. Finally she caves and tells him about Charles' father, and Jesse is immediately incensed and says they have to report this, or else he's going to go beat Mr. Abuser's ass himself. Stephanie protests, but Jesse explains if they don't say anything they're only helping the abuse happen again, and what will happen to Charles if they don't tell is worse than if they do. <br /><br />A week later, Charles is still not back in school and Stephanie is concerned. Jesse tells her that he made some calls and found out that Charles was put in foster family. Stephanie angrily lashes out at Jesse, but he shoots that misdirected anger right down because it's not their fault, because they weren't the ones hurting Charles. Stephanie wonders why, if it's not her fault, does she feel so lousy. Jesse sadly tells her it's because it's a lousy situation. He awesomely tells her, "I know how hard it was, but thanks to you, thanks to Stephanie, Charles' father can't hurt him tonight." Aww, I kind of love when the guys are awesome at this parenting stuff. <br /><br />Steph just can't wrap her brain around why Charles' father was so mean, and Jesse says he can't understand how anyone could hurt their child. I'm not ashamed to say that this whole scene is very touching, and I may or may not be a little verklempt. DJ interrupts this tender moment to tell them that Danny's home and it's time for dinner. Steph goes into the kitchen and gives Danny a big hug and kiss, just because. Danny says he'll take a free hug any time and Jesse looks on shmoopily and its hard for me to really hate on a Steph-centric episode where she once again proves how awesome a kid she is... especially compared to UgSnot.MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-83016084454588984932010-10-27T13:54:00.003-04:002010-10-27T14:32:01.588-04:00"You just humiliated me in front of millions of people.!" "Oh, come on, it was probably only thousands." or Radio Days (6.4)Yes! We're spared the Michelle-centric opening! I'll take this as a sign that I was meant to return to recapping after a long (LONG ASS) sabbatical. Let's just dive right into the Tanner-y goodness.<br /><br />Stephanie is sitting at the table working on her homework, a short story, and UgSnot wants to help. Citing her lack of literacy, Stephanie declines the offer, and UgSnot laments that no one ever lets her help which is received with a collection of "Awww"s from the audience. The hell? Steph has written some crap about a potato bug on a leaf, and it's painfully boring, but the point is Danny and Becky tell her to write about something she knows.<br /><br />Steve and DJ barge in arguing about Steve giving a ride to the infamous CATHY SANTONI! DJ goes on and on about what a skanky dumb bitch Cathy is (apparently she only signed up for shop class because she thought it was taught at the mall (this is apparently Full House's answer to the 'Yo Momma' trend)). Their tiff catches Stephanie's ear and she's got a brand new idea for her short story. Unfortunately, DJ and Steve make up almost immediately in a most yawn-worthy way, and Stephanie is momentarily dismayed... until her meth-loving ass hatches a scheme!<br /><br />Jesse comes in with his hideous twins, telling everyone that he's got an interview on the radio to promote some charity function at the Smush [sic] Club, and Danny tells him that he hears they might have an opening for a DJ at the station... which is apparently a lifelong dream of Jesse's... which we've never heard of prior to this episode. Joey mentions how his boss is trying to stick him with a co-host for "The Ranger Joe" show to which Danny awesomely replies: "I remember when they stuck me with a co-host." He's immediately met with a death glare from Becky and quickly adds, "...and it turned out great!" Heh, Danny still hates Becky's shrew ass after all these years. <br /><br />On the set of the enchanted forest, Joey meets Jungle Jenny, his new co-host, who tells him he's wound tighter than an Amish quilt (the Hell?) She hung up some vines and wants to go on a rhino hunt and Joey hates her guts and tells Mr. Stowbridge she's wacked and he can't work with her, but oh-oh! Turns out Jungle Jane is also Mrs. Stowbridge. Gotta love nepotism!<br /><br />Joey pops by the station to support Jesse for his interview. Joey catches the DJ's eye and she invites him to sit on in the interview. Joey makes a few cracks about Jesse's hair and Elvis obsession and Jesse gets all bent out of shape about it. I must be losing my touch because Joey is almost funny in this bit (saying Jesse voted more times for the new Elvis stamp than he did in the past three elections and also getting Jesse to admit he has a pair of Elvis undies that say "Love me Tender" (which I totes want)). As soon as DJ Julie steps out Jesse goes off and Joey storms off. Julie returns and tells him the phones were ringing off the hook and offers Jesse the gig... but only if Joey is his co-host. Jesse's rocking the "Oh Shit" face on account of he just told Joey to piss off and is going to have to do some major grovelling if he wants to realize this season's lifelong dream.<br /><br />Jesse goes into Joey's room armed with a hot fudge sundae wanting to talk, and Joey is insulted saying "In case you haven't noticed the height difference, I'm NOT Michelle." But he totally caves and takes the sundae anyway. Then Jesse tries to casually slip in that they offered them a job at the station, and Joey busts him for only being nice and apologizing because he needs him. Because it's none of her business, but she's a nosy little shit, UgSnot invites herself in to help because she's a good helper and tries to force them to hug. J&J resist her efforts and resort to calling each other "Bullwinkle Brain" and "Dippity-Do Head." <br /><br />Steve thoroughly raids the kitchen before sitting down to study, and when he opens the book finds a letter from "Henry" whom DJ kissed on Macaroni Day. Stephanie is lurking, and we know she planted the note. Danny comes in to read her story, a romantic drama about Cleve and PJ, and PJ's Macaroni day lover, Henry. Steve & DJ are still bickering, and Danny hears mention of a Macaroni Day tryst and shows them the story. Because Steve is too stupid to live, he is in awe of the coincidence between their real life drama and Stephanie's short story. Danny and DJ exchange a look.<br /><br />To get back and Stephanie, DJ and Steve play up the incident and propose marriage to overcome the jealousy. When they tell Danny, he rejoices and asks what took so long. He tells them to take Stephanie's room, put Michelle into DJ's room and Stephanie can share the towel on the floor of the bathroom with Comet. Stephanie learns a VERY!IMPORTANT!LESSON! about not messing with other people's lives to come up with a story. DJ and Steve joke about getting married for real, but ultimately Steve chooses Danny's corndog (dirty!) over DJ (good call Steve, she's going to become a really annoying, uppity Christian!).<br /><br />In the enchanted forest, Jungle Jenny and the brats string up Ranger Joe by his feet and abandon him. Joey gives Mr. Stowbridge an ultimatum and gets fired. UgSnot tells Joey how funny it was and he sends her to get him cut down. Suddenly the lights go out and we hear a thump in the darkness. Oh Joey, let's hope you just fell on your head.<br /><br />Joey comes in bearing Elvis car wax for Jesse, and apologizes for the jokes he told, citing UgSnot for helping him realize that. The hell? Even SHE is confused as to what she did, but that little shit is never one to shy away from taking undeserved credit. J&J verbally fellate one another for far too long, and agree to take the DJ job, and Joey never admits that the only reason he's taking the job is because he just got fired, but whatevs. Joey makes a crack about driving his car through Jesse's hair because he needs a lube job and we end with Jesse chasing Joey around the house playing grab ass. Weird.MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-47487665244918959012010-10-15T11:42:00.002-04:002010-10-15T11:45:26.730-04:00Wow. I am terrible.I can't believe it's been over a year since my last post. I've had an influx in comments lately so I'm going to try to get back into posting ASAP because frankly, I kind of miss it. ABC Family shuffled it's lineup so I'm not even totally sure when FH is being run, but I'll figure it out and want to get back to where I left off and I definitely want to ultimately recap every episode, so thanks to those of you who are still out there reading, for your patience and enthusiasm. I'ma comin' back!MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-50499413785417177402009-07-29T23:27:00.001-04:002009-07-29T23:30:57.006-04:00"Boy, this New Kids on the Block cologne really works!" or Secret Admirer (4.11)Ugh! One of the most disgusting UgCentric openings ever. UgSnot is sitting at the kitchen table licking all of the cream filling out of Oreos and putting the hollowed and saliva-covered sandwich cookies back in the jar. I've always thought that's one of the most foul things people do. And I shit you not, at the restaurant I used to work at, we used to have Cookie Sundays where we all brought in cookies and milk to make the shift go by easier. And a 23 year old girl who worked there did this very thing! She licked all the cream out and left the cookies in the package... didn't even throw them out. I cussed her out good, let me tell you. So disgusting! Like anyone wants to eat her fucking cookie discards. And she was a grown ass woman who operates on the level of Michelle Tanner. Congratulations, you're going to go far.<br /><br />Wow Cindy! You're one of the few Danny Tanner girlfriends to make it over the one episode hump. They've apparently been together a month and since she also dry cleans his shorts (and the subsequent skidmarks), she's part of the family. She arrives with Rusty and a homemade apple pie that Rusty already dug into, as he sheepishly tells her, "Sorry Mom, it was a long car ride."<br /><br />There's a knock on the door and DJ makes a beeline to answer it, yelling to everyone else to stay away. Kimmy explains to Danny, Cindy and Rusty that it's Ricky the paperboy and that DJ looks hungry for love. Ricky's rocking a fierce mullet that rivals season 1 Uncle Jesse. All Danny has is 20 bucks for the $3.50, and DJ tells him to keep the change. Danny tells him to come back with his change, and Ricky thanks DJ for the attempt at stuffing his wallet. He says he'll be back with the change and she says she'll be waiting and calls out "Toodle-loo!" and then rightfully remarks that she's such a geek. Rusty teases DJ about being Mr. and Mrs. Ricky Paperboy smoochy smooch. Danny remarks to Cindy that they're fighting like brother and sister, which makes DJ and Rusty go "Ewww."<br /><br />Rusty pays UgSnot in nickels to deliver a love letter from "Ricky" to her sister. Only he doesn't specify which sister, and Ug naturally delivers it to the wrong sister, Stephanie, and tells her it's from Rusty. Now it's fun with internal monologue! To make it a little easier to transcribe and read, everyone's inner thoughts are going to be italicized to differentiate from what's being spoken aloud. But first, the contents of the Love Letter:<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">I've loved you secretly for a long time. <br />When I see you in the house, my heart burns with passion. <br />I can't live without your love. <br />Signed, <br />Hot for You.</span><br /><br />Stephanie: <span style="font-style:italic;">If anyone finds out I got a love letter from that doofus, I'll die!</span> She jams the letter in a nearby laundry basket when she sees Cindy coming inside. Cindy asks Steph for some pine fresh air freshener to spray in the backyard, per Danny's request. Joey hands Cindy the laundry on account of the fact that she works at a dry cleaner, and adds that there's a note in there "that explains everything." Cindy obviously finds the love letter Stephanie stashed in there and thinks Joey's hot for her, but hides note in a pile of papers on the table when she hears Danny coming in.<br /><br />Beck comes in with lime Jell-o that has yet to set and Danny asks her to look over some notes for the show, adding he's thinking about "some changes that may affect us both, let me know how you feel." Becky of course finds The Note. <span style="font-style:italic;">If Jesse finds out, he'll kill Danny... hmm I'll have my own show.</span> Just then Jesse comes in and Becky uses her kisses to keep him occupied while she hides the note from him. <span style="font-style:italic;">I know what he likes...</span> and then we hear Jesse's internal response: <span style="font-style:italic;">Ooo I like that.</span> Becky hides the letter in Kimmy's overdue library book. Danny then comes in and demands the proper low sodium pickles, because his entire menu is built around the gherkin. Becky, believing that Danny's trying to get rid of Jesse to get Becky alone, offers to go with Jesse back to the pickle store. Kimmy comes down and overhears they're going to the store and asks Jesse to pick her up an issue of Teen Hunk, and he refuses, for obvious reasons. He then hands Kimmy the book and says there's a little surprise in there for her, and awesomely calls her Kimbo.<br /><br />Kimmy reads the note. <span style="font-style:italic;">Whoa baby! Jesse's hot for ME? And why not? I'm TWICE the woman Becky is!</span> She awesomely concludes her thought with a hair toss. Michelle comes in and Kimmy tells her, "You better be nice to me kid. If I marry your Uncle Jesse, I'll be your Aunt Kimmy." UgSnot's inner monologue is as superficial as her thoughts spoken aloud. <span style="font-style:italic;">No way Jose!</span> "No way Jose!"<br /><br />Jesse comes back in to grab Becky's sweater and finds the note under it on the couch where Kimmy left it, and thinks either Danny or Joey sent it to Becky. Ug frustrated by her own stupidity remarks that she needs to learn to read... among many other things. Jesse sends UgSnot to fetch Danny and Joey so he can confront them. <span style="font-style:italic;">I'm going to find out which one of my best friends is a backstabbing weasel!</span> He baits them, asking which one would like to escort Becky to Pickle Town, and Danny immediately offers to go. <span style="font-style:italic;">A-ha! So Danny's the weasel who wants my Webecca... Rebecca!</span> But, then Joey volunteers to go instead, and Jesse has second thoughts. <span style="font-style:italic;">Hm, maybe Joey's the real reasel... weasel.</span><br /><br />Joey extends the invitation to the store to Cindy, she panics about going out with the man who's trying to steal her from Danny and refuses. Danny finally puts an end to this stupid argument because Pickle Town delivers. Jesse tells Becky he needs to talk to her, but just then, Kimmy comes down all tarted up to put her seduction on the Jess-man. He tells her to bug off, but she digs it. <span style="font-style:italic;">Good! Pretend you don't like me, Becky will never suspect you wrote me that love letter!</span> She wiggles her eyebrows and bats her eyes, prompting Jesse to remark that it appears she has some gunk in her eye. Kimmy graciously tells Becky she'd like to remain friends "no matter what happens" and Becky is understandably perplexed. <span style="font-style:italic;">Yeah, that's what you say now... wait 'til that rock is on my finger!</span><br /><br />Ug is up in her room trying to teach herself to read via <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Seusss-Read-Myself-Beginner-Books/dp/0394800303">Dr Seuss's ABC book.</a> Rusty comes in and asks if she delivered the letter and she tells him she did. He asks what happened, and Ug reports that now "everything is bananas." Rusty coos in delight and pats Ug's head, much to her chagrin. <span style="font-style:italic;">I really need a lock on my door.</span><br /><br />In the girls' room, Steph tells DJ about the letter from Rusty. They both ew in disgust. Just then Rusty comes in and Steph runs out, yelling, what else? "How rude!" DJ gives Rusty a talk about love and says she understands he's ready for a girlfriend, but he needs a woman who's older and more mature. Danny calls them down for dinner and DJ tells him to think about what she's said and they'll talk later. Rusty takes this to mean that DJ has fallen for him. <span style="font-style:italic;">She's all over me! That babe is hot for the Rust-man!</span><br /><br />Danny suggests they start a "love train" to the backyard and starts singing the song. Joey's lardass is enthused: "Great! I'll be the caboose!" but Becky stops him. He asks, "You wanna be the caboose?" Becky tries to speak hypothetically to Joey about the letter from Danny; "Sometimes a friend becomes so close to another friend that it turns to love. And it wouldn't be so bad if one of those friends wasn't engaged to be married." Joey completely misreads her intentions <span style="font-style:italic;">Holy cow! Becky's in love with me!</span> Just then, Jesse comes in to see them talking and is now convinced that it was Joey who sent the letter. <span style="font-style:italic;">Now i know it's Joey...I'll kill him!</span> Joey nervously looks at the murderous glare on Jesse's face, <span style="font-style:italic;">Thank God he doesn't know, or he'd kill me!</span><br /><br />Outside, Becky whispers to Danny that they need to talk about the letter, and she had to get it out in open. Danny reads it <span style="font-style:italic;">Becky's in love with me?... Why do I have to be so darned attractive?</span> Then Jesse comes out and Danny hides the letter under UgSnot's baseball cap. Jesse glares at Danny's sheepish face, <span style="font-style:italic;">I thought it was Joey, but look at that goofy, guilty grin... maybe it's Danny. I'll kill 'em both and sort it out later!</span> Kimmy saved Jesse a seat next to her at the picnic table and once again wiggles the brows. "Kimmy, you gotta do something about that eye of yours."<br /><br />Cindy tells Joey he has salad dressing on his shirt as means of stalling her confrontation about the letter. Finally she cuts to the chase and tells him, "Sometimes the wrong people fall in love... it's not anybody's fault, it just happens. I don't want Danny to get hurt, so let's try to control our burning passions." Joey is in awe of his affect on all of the women around him. <span style="font-style:italic;">First Becky, and now Cindy? Boy, this New Kids on the Block cologne really works!</span><br /><br />Danny rambles about his definition of quality time, and we are treated to everyone's inner monologue (nearly verbatim... I can only write so fast, you know).<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">[Stephanie] One false move, and Rusty gets a weenie in his ear. <br />[Rusty] DJ is such a babe. <br />[DJ] Why is Rusty staring at me? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?<br />[Danny] What do I do about Becky falling in love with me? <br />[Becky] Look at Danny, rambling on the outside, burning with passion for me on the inside<br />[Jesse] Look at these two weasels, one can't stop babbling and the other needs a bib. I'll be doing mankind a favor when I kill 'em!<br />[Kimmy} Kimmy Katsopolous... that sounds so geeky. I'll make him take my name; Mr. Jesse Gibbler!<br />[Joey] I don't want Becky and Cindy to fight over me... unless we get some Jell-o<br />[Cindy] Joey's sweet, but I like Danny. He's such an eloquent speaker.<br />[Michelle] Boring, boring! Why is my daddy so boring?<br />[Comet] Gee, I hope somebody drops a hamburger.</span><br /><br />UgSnot pulls the love letter out from under her hat and chaos breaks out. Everyone accuses everyone of sending it, except DJ who just wonders "Who are you people and where's my real family?" Everyone bickers until Jesse tells them to stop and asks who actually wrote it. Ug rats Rusty out and he confesses he wrote it to make DJ think it was from Ricky, the mulleted paperboy. They all relax and laugh about it, and Rusty is glad they can take a joke. They all turn their attention to him unamused and Ug says, what else? "You're in big trouble, mister!" and the family chases Rusty all over the house/yard.<br /> <br />Ricky McMullet is back with Danny's change. He not so subtly asks if they're BBQing and as he and DJ stand there, Rusty runs by closely followed by the rest of the family. DJ invites Ricky to sit down and eat, and they dig in. Ricky's glad he came back, as is DJ. <span style="font-style:italic;">Oh, Mylanta!</span> The family runs by, still hot on Rusty's trail.MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-59251796397542918042009-07-24T11:51:00.005-04:002009-07-27T10:46:24.578-04:00John Stamos has got my heart "Twitter"patin'!<span style="font-weight:bold;">**UPDATE**</span> My friend attended the concert and the Stamos DID sing "Forever" so I think it was the real deal! Squeeee!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKdop7qLRqaxeu6RDZlX5FQk1yG9Fp_CHUZBGbzKxEKaSTgh2FmdGIvaGL4Y5QZ4Fh8RK9lwwFmXMldyaDwXwiXeXI_hlAT5BkJbyOTTiB2GNnK3EnKBYvNOdRQLx8lanKB0yLbYTYnz6V/s1600-h/smile.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 364px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKdop7qLRqaxeu6RDZlX5FQk1yG9Fp_CHUZBGbzKxEKaSTgh2FmdGIvaGL4Y5QZ4Fh8RK9lwwFmXMldyaDwXwiXeXI_hlAT5BkJbyOTTiB2GNnK3EnKBYvNOdRQLx8lanKB0yLbYTYnz6V/s400/smile.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5362060037439878674" /></a><br />So, my friend just told me the most awesome story about her Twitter encounter with JOHN STAMOS.<br /><br />The Beach Boys are playing in Boston so my friend Tweeted him:<br /><br />@JohnStamos Will you be playing with the beach boys this sat in Boston?! Would LOVE to see you there-maybe a little drumming and "Forever"?<br /><br />And he (or his assistant) replied!<br /><br />@FullHouseFan* I'll be there. drumming for sure. might be time to sing forever. we haven't done that in while.about an hour ago<br /><br />@JohnStamos Awesome! The crowd (esp. the FH Fanatics) will LOVE it!<br /><br />I'm going to assume it was the real deal Stamos, but even if it wasn't, this is definitely the coolest thing I've seen all week!<br /><br />Sorry for the delay in the next new 'cap, I've been at school/working from 8am-midnight nearly every night this week. Next week will bring more bloggy goodness. <br /><br />If you're really bored, you can follow me on Twitter. @eat_the_emu. It's nothing really FH related, and I tend to ignore it for days at a time (haha I guess like this blog...) but it will give you a glimpse into the girl behind the blog.<br /><br />*For obvious reasons, I changed her Twitter username.MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-64706767541602468442009-07-16T00:28:00.012-04:002009-07-17T12:30:55.849-04:00"The little goofball worships me!" or Aftershocks (3.11)Jesse and Joey are in Jesse's room jamming out wearing dark glasses like some sort of bastardized Blues Brothers. Jesse is playing the ol' six string and Joey is playing the harmonica. I must point out that Joey is also wearing a beret, not that that wardrobe choice should surprise any of you. Just then, who should wander in but UgTot, who demands they play her the teapot song. They oblige with a bluesy version of "I'm a Little Teapot" and Jesse urges Michelle to "shake her little tushy." Please, I beg of you, no more. The Powers that be hear my cry and we thankfully cut to the credits. <br /><br />Jesse is trying to discover what's clogging the garbage disposal and asks Ug how her toy Gumby got jammed in there. Ug hasn't a clue (of course) and predictably, Joey thanks Jesse for finding his toy. DJ and Kimmy come in, DJ showing off her costume for the school's Christmas pageant. Kimmy has apparently been staying at the Tanner's for the past two days while her house is under repairs. Joey informs her that she can go home, pointing out that she could have actually moved back yesterday but somehow, Mrs. Gibbler forgot to call. J&J are glad to be rid of the Gibbler, and already have her bags packed. UgTot comes running in and throws her arms around Kimmy, begging her to stay one more night. The hell? Kimmy's staying, DJ models her costume which Joey creepily compliments ("If I had a belly that shook like a bowl of jelly, you'd be my kind of woman") and I die a little inside. <br /><br />Stephanie points out that DJ has a new pimple on her nose and DJ is distraught. Kimmy suggests that DJ switch roles with someone and play Rudolph. Stephanie comments her distress that first there was an earthquake (remember that) and now, Kimmy's staying an extra night. Later that night, Stephanie is awoken by the sounds and vibrations of a garbage truck and panics that it's another earthquake. She shakes DJ awake and DJ and Kimmy tell Stephanie to chill out. Steph goes to Ug's room to make sure she's alright and coerces her into going into Danny's room with her. They climb into bed with Danny.<br /><br />Kimmy leads DJ down the stairs, because she's sporting the Cousin Itt look with all of her hair brushed forward to cover her face. She even has a pair of sunglasses on top. Joey calls her Benji (I assume he's referring to the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benji">courageous and adorable puppy of cinematic fame</a>, which, dumb. Because she totally looks like Cousin Itt) and tells her the zit isn't that bad. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAzu2c7mx0aQgbSbmo8b_3ohJjdvdUNnDOOF7L7QAwgUnJ29x3VLNed9-P_z-_GR46uqWHSxtJrpGJpz0dP4BW8b_viXsfEdT55AYeTXt-K4p_yS_LTCggo1U2HSIPlcSr1hHx7TFzI2QJ/s1600-h/benjitt.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 286px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAzu2c7mx0aQgbSbmo8b_3ohJjdvdUNnDOOF7L7QAwgUnJ29x3VLNed9-P_z-_GR46uqWHSxtJrpGJpz0dP4BW8b_viXsfEdT55AYeTXt-K4p_yS_LTCggo1U2HSIPlcSr1hHx7TFzI2QJ/s400/benjitt.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5359461605262075058" /></a><br /><br />Stephanie comes in, literally clinging to Danny and asking to tag along to work with him and showering him with compliments. Danny says that she has to go to work, but they'll spend time together after work. Joey and Jesse are concerned with Stephanie's sudden increase in fatherly affections and wonder if Danny's noticed how clingy she's being. Danny says there's nothing wrong with a little girl adoring her father and thinks nothing of it.<br /><br />After school, Stephanie is in a panicked tizzy because Danny isn't home yet. J&J tell her that he's probably stuck in traffic and she yells that they don't know that for sure. Danny comes home, late because of, you guessed it, traffic, and Stephanie hugs him and won't let him go. She wants to play games and accompany him on his business dinner. Danny gently tries to tell her no and Stephanie becomes very upset and cries and begs for him not to leave her. J&J give Danny a total "I told you so" look and finally, Danny gets it. Something's up with Steph.<br /><br />Up in Danny's room, Danny is playing Barrel of Monkeys with Stephanie and UgTot. To the surprise of no one, Ug is too stupid to grasp the concept of the game, and Danny pulls Stephanie aside for a special one-on-one talk. Danny asks her why she was so upset about him going out, and why she's been clinging to him, and asks if something is bothering her. She insists she's fine and he wonders if that means she won't be spending the night in his room (not like THAT, you pervs!) Stephanie is insistent that nothing is wrong and she returns back to the game.<br /><br />DJ comes back from the pageant and is relieved to have discovered that everyone has zits. While checking "to see if [her] nose can still stop traffic", she found 10 other girls checking their zits. DJ suggests a game of connect the dots and all the crater faced bitches laughed. DJ says she's okay with having zits, so long as her face clears up before her peers. Jesse congratulates himself on helping DJ through her crisis until Joey reminds him that they didn't actually do anything.<br /><br />Danny comes down and says that his talk with Stephanie went nowhere and J&J suggest that he bring her to a therapist. Danny is against it because he feels like it's not that serious and bringing her to a stranger shows he can't help his own daughter. Jesse points out that it shows that he loves her enough to get her the help she needs. As a future Mental Health counselor, thanks for the plug, boys!<br /><br />Danny brings Steph into therapy, and we get a pointless scene of a homely bucktoothed girl, who may or may not be a little slow, telling Stephanie that therapy is fun because you get to miss school. The therapist asks Stephanie to draw a picture of her family and remarks to Danny how verbal she is. Danny babbles on and on about not knowing where she gets it, and the therapist sure as shit knows where it comes from. <br /><br />While Stephanie draws, Danny dusts the therapist's table and she tells him that we don't always know why we are doing the things we do and asks why he's dusting. Danny confesses that growing up, all the other kids wanted to be astronauts or firemen... he wanted to be a maid. Before the therapist gets to tackle the enigmatic mind of Danny Tanner, Stephanie finishes her drawing. Everything is pretty typical except there's a crack in the house from the earthquake, and Danny is outside the house from the rest of the family because he was late the day of the earthquake. Well, that solves the mystery of Stephanie's clinginess. She was scared that she didn't know where he was.<br /><br />As a constant neurotic worrier, it's kind of hard for me to snark on Stephanie because I was totally the same way as a kid. To this day, I make my friends call me when they get home safely because otherwise I'll worry. The therapist suggests Danny and Stephanie make a list of ways to help cope with the worry and anxiety of separation and if only therapy was really that simple, and all issues that easily resolved. Notice how we never hear about another earthquake for the duration of the series.<br /><br />That night the entire family is tucking Stephanie into bed. Danny tells her that if she needs to, her sleeping bag is still in his room. She asks if he's still snoring and Danny says he is, so Stephanie will spend the night in her own room. Jesse laughs about Danny's snoring. The guys remind Steph that they're close by should she need anything and everyone says goodnight. We end with Stephanie asking DJ to untuck her, because she can barely move. I hate when they end episodes on weird unfunny but supposed to be funny bits like that.MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-88095585726247530022009-07-10T12:41:00.003-04:002009-07-10T12:49:20.466-04:00The Prodigal Blogger Returns...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNc8bD5NipTttljmh4TTKB0cWthK4n2moI1WpzQx9i_KF2WEaCuMClzDO-D-SsENSon3xGPCCEhvzRsY7WkIAu-CGDKlpeMeaVYZdJD1ULtK3Y8r4pBiMmzEHQUi1x17zsgZh6uY8wrmyi/s1600-h/kimmyg.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 220px; height: 163px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNc8bD5NipTttljmh4TTKB0cWthK4n2moI1WpzQx9i_KF2WEaCuMClzDO-D-SsENSon3xGPCCEhvzRsY7WkIAu-CGDKlpeMeaVYZdJD1ULtK3Y8r4pBiMmzEHQUi1x17zsgZh6uY8wrmyi/s400/kimmyg.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356874561479625858" /></a><br />Okay so I've slacked. A lot. Like a Kimmy Gibbler amount of slackery. But I have reasons. Some of them are even decent.<br /><br />I was fired from my job of 2+ years the day after Christmas. Found a new job despite the economy so whew there. But, money was still tight so I got a second job. Plus, I'm back in school pursuing my Master's, so between work and school, I had little time for blogging. <br /><br />But, I'm back. I probably won't update with quite the frequency I once had, but I plan on making a conscious effort to try to get back on some sort of regular schedule. <br /><br />So, if any of you actually still check this thing, thanks. And stay tuned for more Full House-y goodness. There's still many more episodes I've yet to 'cap! (That's short for recap!)MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-70549175316211097372008-12-25T10:10:00.005-05:002008-12-26T01:40:58.195-05:00Wishing You and Yours a Very Tanner Christmas!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt8jafz1dlFJuK5FGDyZcdUSUgc8uTetUooM7Vip4_kuKvt8_p1DjawVOB2V_Y8QQeHdkKHQgkGxlgIPEjI9BZ3PutHuuCC54nv2oGwygrGwHekdll49zQoy9CTyCc7vIwRCtrPYoBdhHM/s1600-h/michelle.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 270px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt8jafz1dlFJuK5FGDyZcdUSUgc8uTetUooM7Vip4_kuKvt8_p1DjawVOB2V_Y8QQeHdkKHQgkGxlgIPEjI9BZ3PutHuuCC54nv2oGwygrGwHekdll49zQoy9CTyCc7vIwRCtrPYoBdhHM/s400/michelle.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5283746967947005090" /></a><br /><br />Sorry for the use of an Ug picture... and it's one from the books and not the show... but it DOES imply she's having a shitty Christmas, so I felt it was apropos. <br /><br />If for Christmas you wanted a new blog entry... well, you're screwed. But, feel free to check out <a href="http://tannertwister.blogspot.com/2008/03/whoever-designed-these-airline.html">Episode 2.9 "Our Very First Christmas Show"</a> to get yourself into the holiday spirit. If you haven't read it, it's new to you!MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-35102714207615066362008-12-05T15:18:00.004-05:002008-12-05T15:25:51.490-05:00Oh. My. GOD!!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnaKembDdI3ASxWghP0IN8_nI8j-kXCfrxFnHrmzANtvvZ-pMRqRtV9IzinuiLMKAVPrjDVjm1aYi6ITEV3TKBfkeSpHd4jYd5nOBE0F0dwoXqdihdG2JvdCiGHr8lh23Ot2QAtF4U5BIr/s1600-h/kimmygiblerhotnesss1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnaKembDdI3ASxWghP0IN8_nI8j-kXCfrxFnHrmzANtvvZ-pMRqRtV9IzinuiLMKAVPrjDVjm1aYi6ITEV3TKBfkeSpHd4jYd5nOBE0F0dwoXqdihdG2JvdCiGHr8lh23Ot2QAtF4U5BIr/s400/kimmygiblerhotnesss1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5276403403632957970" /></a><br /><blockquote>"John Stamos must be hard up for a paycheck, because he's working on a remake of Full House. Candace Cameron Bure, who played DJ Tanner, told OK! Magazine (via SFGate), "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House. I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women.""</blockquote><br />This would be like my greatest dream/nightmare come to fruition!!! Can you imagine the snarky goodness that would come from such a colossal trainwreck?!??! <br /><br /><a href="http://dlisted.com/node/29607">Source.</a><br /><br />Also:<br /><blockquote>1.kimmy gibbler: When you refuse to leave after you have a one night stand, even when they ask you nicely.<br /><br />"Last night I met some whore at the bar....we came back to my place and she gave me the Kimmy Gibbler....she fucked the hell out of me and then refused to go home when I asked her nicely."</blockquote><br /><a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=kimmy%20gibbler">Source.</a><br /><br />All this AND my boss is fired for embezzling?! What a crazy weekend!MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-27274965431856460152008-12-03T16:01:00.000-05:002008-12-03T17:27:23.254-05:00"I'm guessing you didn't meet him in a library." or DJ's Choice (8.12)We open with Steph an DJ in the kitchen and Steph thanks DJ for letting her tag along to street fair. DJ reminds her nachos and tilt-a-whirl don't mix. Steph laments her ruined sweater from the year before and wistfully remembers how much she loved it. Just then, they are joined by Kimmy and Nelson. Stephanie goes up to Nelson and administers a vision test and asks how he, with his trillions of dollars can be dating Kimmy Gibbler. I say, how can he NOT?!!? I love the Gib! Kimmy says she was hoping for more than dating, she was hoping for marriage. Ah, Kimmy, you lovable irreverent gold digger!<br /><br />DJ tells Nelson and Kimmy that they just need to wait for Viper to arrive before they can leave for the fair. Nelson, obviously still feeling the burn of being rejected by DJ, comments that with a name like Viper, she most likely didn't meet him in the library. DJ quickly changes the subject to the fact that Kimmy is the reigning street fair pie eating champion. She decides she needs to warm up her chops and luckily finds an entire pineapple cheesecake in the Tanners' fridge. She clasps her hands behind her back and dives in. Oo, Danny is NOT going to be pleased about that.<br /><br />DJ goes into the living room as Viper storms in, ranting and rambling up a storm about how things with DJ are moving too fast for him and freaking him out and he breaks up with her. Just like that. And then he leaves. DJ looks all forlorn as Nelson walks in, raving about Kimmy's pie skills (maybe now that he's seen the Gibbler gobble, he might be reconsidering not dating her?) He cuts himself off when he notices that DJ is visibly upset. She tells him that Viper just broke up with her and she never saw it coming. She says that if this was how bad it hurt Nelson when she broke up with him, then she's sorry. Nelson tells her that eventually the pain goes away... but then is replaced by a big empty hollow feeling. Comforting.<br /><br />Ugh, and naturally, we need to have the obligatory Ug storyline thrust upon us. Danny and Becky are taking Ug and the BlunderTwins Nicky and Alex to the local playground. My, that trio is quite the goof troop, aren't they? Turns out, the playground has been trashed by some hilariously tame vandals who have graffiti'd such diabolical messages as "SOS", "Crazy" and "JoJaxx." Whoa now, how they gonna bring the JoJaxx into this? This is a FAMILY playground. I feel scandalized. Michelle's painful dramatic acting is showcased as she shows her distress by asking Danny if they can go home. <br /><br />Back at the house, Danny calls to report the vandalism, but unfortunately, there's a wave of it all over San Francisco, so it might be awhile before they get to this rinky dink playground. Apparently, the crew's still at work removing some "Disco sucks" tags downtown... ah, that joke was probably lost on every child watching this ep. Ug and Jesse have a really disgusting conversation regarding "pumping." She says the twins need to learn to pump, and Jesse reiterates the need for all kids to have a place to learn pumping. They're talking about pumping your legs on a swing, but shortening it to simply "pumping" just screams all kinds of wrong. Ew. The guys and Becky decide that they're going to assemble a group of volunteers to clean up the playground for the kids. How do they have time for this shit? Don't they have jobs?<br /><br />Nelson and the girls return from the street fair. Kimmy is livid that she was disqualified from the pie eating contest or swallowing a fork. Bwah! I don't really see how that's grounds for a DQ, how does swallowing a fork give her an advantage? If anything, I would have automatically declared her the winner. Again, I am an unabashed and avid Kimmy Gibbler fan fo' life, yo! Stephanie won a goldfish and Nelson apparently had to shell out $700 to win DJ a stupid stuffed monkey. Loser. Listen to that whip crack! Nelson blows more smoke up her ass, saying that Viper's a moron for dumping her. She says he's sweet, he says she's pretty, blah blah blah, and they end up kissing. They're not sure what just happened between then, but Nelson proposes dinner Saturday for them to discuss their status. As Nelson suavely backs away, he trips and falls over a tricycle. Bwah! Best moment of the episode right there.<br /><br />DJ is prepping for her 3rd consecutive date with Nelson, talking about it with Steph when who should come a-knocking on the door, but Viper. He walks in, all manic and rambling again, that he's been walking around like a madman the past 3 days regretting his decision to break up with her. He offers her a single red rose and begs DJ to take him back. Just then, Nelson comes in with a full bouquet of roses, demanding to know what's going on. Viper says he's there to win DJ back and Nelson reminds her that Viper just broke her heart. DJ looks constipated, and confused, and ultimately leaves with Nelson, leaving Viper fuming with Stephanie standing by awkwardly.<br /><br />Viper stands there pissed wondering what DJ could possibly see in Nelson. He vows to Stephanie that he won't roll over for Richie Rich. Stephanie's just like "Uhhh, okay dude." Seriously man, take the hint and get to stepping. Later that evening, Nelson is dropping off a clearly distracted DJ off at home. Clearly she's preoccupied about the Nelson v. Viper situation. Nelson kisses her goodnight and she walks in to find Viper, STILL THERE, sitting on the couch with a guitar singing a song he wrote for her. They just let him stay there the whole time? How long has it been? Why didn't they kick his ass out? <br /><br />The song's pretty tight though, and I would totes cream my jeans for Viper at this point, despite his sorta Jheri curl. They run to each other and kiss and who should walk in at that very moment? Why, none other than Nelson, bearing the bouquet of roses DJ accidentally left behind in his limo. Ouch. DJ quickly breaks away from Viper and tells Nelson that it isn't what it looks like. Nelson awesomely quips, "Thank God. It looks like you were kissing." I know Nelson's kinda dweeby, uber short with a mullet, but damn, he's hilarious.<br /><br />The guys bicker back and forth. Nelson says Viper's a heartbreaker and Viper retorts that Nelson preyed upon DJ at a weak moment when she was vulnerable. DJ can see the points in both of their arguments, but is still too confuzzled and tells them that she needs time to think.<br /><br />Ugh, back to our annoying Uggerriffic subplot. The whole fam plus some other extras are all pitching in. Joey grabs a hammer that is quickly snatched away by Jesse. Apparently this hammer has been passed down through his family from generation to generation, and he doesn't want Joey anywhere near it. Danny is wandering around clueless about construction so Jesse acts as foreman. This is all really really boring. Joey is also doing nothing but staring through the liquid part of a level until Jesse hits him in the head with something and tells him to get to work. Joey turns on a power saw, and like who's the fucking genius who thought Joey Gladstone was capable of operating heavy machinery? Naturally he manages to saw through Jesse's family hammer, and zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz...<br /><br />Danny has assembled a see saw that Kimmy and Steph are testing out. Apparently this teeter totter will teeter, but not totter. Kimmy is on the end of the see saw on the ground, and Steph is hanging in the hair. The whole family joins together to push Steph's side down and when they do they send Kimmy flying into a tree. Although this scene merited a small chuckle from me, I hate how the later seasons of FH relied on lame physical gags like this.<br /><br />Just when this scene can't get any more tedious, Viper and Nelson arrive to pounce on DJ and demand a decision. Nelson pipes up first that he may lack the talent to write and perform a song to tell DJ how he feels, but he has the cash money money to wire the park to play music and hire Frankie Valli to woo her. He begins a serenade of "You're Just Too Good to be True" and awww, this makes me think of Heath Ledger's uber sexy scene in "10 Things I Hate About You." Sadness. Frankie mistakenly begins serenading Becky, until Nelson redirects him towards DJ. Frankie suavely shoves Viper aside.<br /><br />Viper criticizes Nelson's need to use his money to woo, and Nelson pretty much calls Viper a scumbag and they continue to bicker until DJ FINALLY speaks up and declares she's not a trophy to be fought over and she hates the pressure they're putting on her. If they're going to force her to make a decision, then DJ is going to Kelly Taylor it up and choose herself.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1pUWNhuzMa6IqJ-4phUVNtLgrympxYvyxfqyAeOuSgz2Ckl2oAUXrUMTBrcSDwKy89sS3FjOOw9YtPAqZ1F5udcn_7e_pEhJA-lMb1rpetgZg7i6bqFVEuSLPkUkesd46DN-7oFOVzYGu/s1600-h/djvkt.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1pUWNhuzMa6IqJ-4phUVNtLgrympxYvyxfqyAeOuSgz2Ckl2oAUXrUMTBrcSDwKy89sS3FjOOw9YtPAqZ1F5udcn_7e_pEhJA-lMb1rpetgZg7i6bqFVEuSLPkUkesd46DN-7oFOVzYGu/s400/djvkt.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275668423530318898" /></a> <br />Look, DJ hates Kelly Taylor's slutty ass just as much as the rest of the world. Actually, this episode aired in January 1995, whereas the infamous Kelly-Brandon-Dylan love triangle and resulting "I Choose Me!" aired in May 1995. Meaning that that skank pilfered the line from our very own DJ Tanner and has been getting credit for it in most pop culture references since then. That bitch. You can see DJ's trying to smile, but her face totally reads, "Bitch stole my line!"<br /><br />DJ is bummed that she let go of two great guys and talks to Becky about it. Becky says that even though Viper and Nelson may both be good guys, but if one of them was truly the right one for DJ, she would have been able to make the decision easily. She wisely advises her to never settle when it comes to dating and matters of the heart, because one day the right man will come. Becky comments how hers did and the camera pans to Jesse playing with Ug and the twins on the swings, and who else but Ug completely ruins the moment by repeatedly yelling, "Pump! Pump! Pump your legs!" Ew. Thanks for scarring me for life, Ug.MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-62150065393962635102008-11-20T12:18:00.001-05:002008-11-20T12:18:00.501-05:00"You know what would drive me really, Really wild?" "Painting sad clowns on my toenails?" or Kissing Cousins (7.18)This definitely ranks as one of my top episodes... in fact, one day I'll get around to listing my top ten FH episodes of all time. Or maybe make a poll out of it. <br /><br />We begin with Danny practicing the moves he's learned from his new self-defense class. He urges Joey to come at him with a banana gun so that he can practice his disarm/disable maneuver. He ends up smashing the banana on Joey. Just then Uncle Jesse arrives back home from Greece. He flew over there for Papouli's funeral and remarks that it was a wonderful celebration of his life. To top things off, Jesse has returned with a surprise for the family.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKHW0Ggxolnjqar90BOzeZzo2KMFUcFZdHoLVtrcNh9CzR_e0h_cEBueJvMG0fxtCcqFCDf_3I4d0amZgTU6B3UMvODBJpj0q-gNkyBfTzuCUEYMeQAoj_o9el3eS4Zmq0oR0NheAZLR0n/s1600-h/fh7-18.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 160px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKHW0Ggxolnjqar90BOzeZzo2KMFUcFZdHoLVtrcNh9CzR_e0h_cEBueJvMG0fxtCcqFCDf_3I4d0amZgTU6B3UMvODBJpj0q-gNkyBfTzuCUEYMeQAoj_o9el3eS4Zmq0oR0NheAZLR0n/s400/fh7-18.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270422056932748594" /></a><br />It's Cousin Stavros! AKA John Stamos at his most hilarious.<br /><br />It's time to play hug the cousin. Stephanie and DJ remark that Stavros and Jesse look so much alike that they are definitely related. Stavros scoffs citing that his nose is that "of Greek God. That is nose of cock-a-poo." Stavros says he's got to go check into a seedy motel, and Danny insists that Stavros stay with them at Casa de Tanner, ole! Becky comes in with the kids to greet the returning Jesse, and the boys mistakenly run to Stavros and call him Daddy. Stavros comments that the boys get their looks from their beautiful mother. Becky is at first flattered, then wary, "Why thank you.... who are you?" Jesse explains that when he was 11 and spent the summer in Greece, his cousin Stavros took him in and taught him everything he knows about the birds and the bees, etc. Stavros pipes in that it was actually goats and weasels, and Becky's response? "Goats and weasels? That explains a lot." Dirty! And ew. That sounds like some freaky boudoir behavior.<br /><br />The next afternoon, Stephanie and Ug come in from taking Stavros sight-seeing around San Fran. Danny asks where they go, expecting to hear them say something like the Golden Gate bridge, and Steph reveals Stavros brought them to the racetrack. Ug whines that she learned to not bet all her tooth fairy money on a horse named Long Shot. File this one under: No shit, Ug. Stavros says he parked Danny's car in front of the little rocket ship out front where dogs go pee pee. After a few seconds of processing, Danny realizes he means his car's in front of a hydrant and rushes out to try to avoid a ticket. For some reason, Joey's sitting down to play cards with himself at the kitchen table and invited Stavros to play a game of Gin. Stavros feigns ignorance about the rules of the game, but ends up hustling Joey out of $20 and his watch, calling it a "friendly game."<br /><br />The doorbell rings and DJ, Kimmy and Steve answer. It's the pizza delivery guy and Stavros comes in and says he ordered lunch for everyone. They thank him until he grabs the pizza without paying. Claiming he has yet to convert his drachma into US currency, Stavros asks DJ to "be gemstone" and pick up the $20 pizza tab. She does, but is cleaned out and asks if anyone else can get the tip. Kimmy steps in and tells the pizza boy that if you tickler her with a feather duster, she purrs like Catwoman. Eep. The pizza boy is similarly skeeved out. Anywhore, who the hell charges $20 for a small pizza?! What a rip-off! Stavros opens the box and unleashes the unholy smell of lamb guts and double feta cheese on the unsuspecting teens. Where the hell do you find a place that will put lamb guts on a pizza? That sort of accounts for the steep price though... Steve and Kimmy rush out the door citing that Steve's about to hurl.<br /><br />Just then, Becky comes in from the gym sporting some brightly colored spandex and catches the eye of Stavros. He mutters, "That is HOT," but not quietly enough as Becky totally hears him. She asks him what he said, and Stavros claims he was talking about the cheese on the pizza and says it's so hot, "It's dang near bubbling." Becky uncomfortably cautions him to not burn his mouth and moves into the kitchen with Stavros in hot pursuit. She's got a carrot in hand and he says "Beautiful." Becky awesomely plays this off with "It's just a carrot. He comments on her pleasant aroma and she says that she rubbed some Ben Gay on before leaving the gym. "This Ben, lucky guy." Stavros also adds that she smells "popping fresh" and I mean it, Stamos KILLS it in this episode. Stavros goes in for a sniff and Becky threatens him back off of her with the carrot. Stavros blames it on his nose and lightly raps his shnozz saying, "Bad nose. Bad nose." Becky is understandably creeped out.<br /><br />The family meets in the living room where they all discuss their experiences with Stavros and determine that he's a conman. Jesse comes in and can't believe what they're saying. He was thinking of asking Stavros to stay longer because he's like a brother to him. Stavros overhears their griping and comes in and apologizes, and returns the money and items he took. He tells them that he has to return to Greece because there was a mudslide that wiped out his entire village. Stavros laments, "If only there was a way to raise funds..." Stephanie suggests a fundraiser. DJ goes one further and says her school did a Dance-a-thon and it made a shit ton of money.<br /><br />It's Dance-a-thon time. Somehow Steph got roped into dancing with Ug, and by dancing with, I mean, Ug's standing on top of Stephanie's feet, weighing her down. Stavros walks in and promptly removes his plaid sportscoat and awesomely drops it on Michelle's head, temporarily sparing the viewing audience from looking at her ugly mug. And for that I say, Thank you, Stavros. The girls find a one way ticket to Orlando in Stavros' coat pocket and go to DJ, who brings it to Becky. They figure out that the mudslide was another one of his scams, and that by this time tomorrow "Stavros will be cruising the Magic Kingdom trying to get Tinkerbell's number." Rather than tell Jesse, Becky says they have to catch Stavros in the act and prove he's a slimeball.<br /><br />Becky lures Stavros into some back dressing room and plants a microphone in a bouquet of flowers for her one woman sting operation and puts the seduction on him. Again, another brilliant exchange ensues:<br />Becky: Let me be Frank...<br />Stavros: Can I still be Stavros?<br />B: Last night, I couldn't take my eyes off of you while you ate Spaghettios with your fingers.<br />S: Spoons are for wimps!<br /><br />Becky says she wants to run away with Stavros to the kind of place you go to after you win the Superbowl. Stavros is elated and declares it must be Fate "with a big 'F' and a little 'ate'" as he's already booked a ticket to Orlando! He goes in for the smooch and Becky says that she has the feeling they're about to be interrupted any minute. Just then there's a knock at the door, "Man, did I call that?" Unfortunately for Becky it's not Jesse in a jealous rage, but instead UgSnot who snottily tells her she forgot to turn the microphone on. Becky distracts Stavros by telling him his loafers are untied and clicks the microphone on. She convinces Stavros to tell her his plan one more time to really get her blood pumping. Stavros replies, "Ohhh so that's what floats your tuna boat." Is that some sort of Greek sexual slang? He repeats his dastardly scheme, how he fabricated the whole mudslide story and plans to sneak off to Florida, then asks why Becky keeps shoving the bouquet in his face. She replies, "So everyone can hear you!" He discovers he's been set up "A meecrophone!" and tries to make a break for it. He grabs the money, but is stopped by Danny doing some martial arts (nice revisit to the opening segment) and is finally subdued by Danny and Joey.<br /><br />Jesse tells them to let Stavros go, but not before chastising him with the mother of all guilt trips. He says that Stavros was like a brother to him and asks how he could betray him like this. Stavros' excuse is that he was jealous of Jesse and his wonderful life in America. He sends him packing and apologizes to the crowd, offering to return their money. DJ pipes up that they could donate the funds to another worth cause, like the Children's Hospital. The crowd cheers their approval and the dancing resumes. Man, I wish they could have had Stavros make one more appearance before the show's run ended. Wasted opportunity there.MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-24664775075407366202008-11-19T13:32:00.002-05:002008-11-19T13:34:27.838-05:00"I'm too dumb to be scared." or Love on the Rocks (7.19)Danny is cleaning up a storm in his living room, dusting and pledging and goes so far as to dust his can of Pledge. His obsessive compulsiveness is interrupted by the arrival of Kimmy and her new beau, "Keanu" as she greets him with the most awesome epithet yet, "T-Bag." Heh, surprised that one slipped by the censors. Keanu reveals that his real name is John, but Kimmy prefers to call him Keanu. Danny says his name's not really T-Bag, but Kimmy's just an idiot. DJ and Steve are scrutinizing the movie they just saw, some fictional installment of the Ernest movies, and Kimmy and Keanu are shocked that they actually watched the movie as they just made out the entire time. They call Steve and DJ boring and leave them to sit and be boring. Steve reveals to DJ that his film class professor chose him to go on a class trip to LA because of his critical eye. DJ is bummed because his trip falls over her school break and she was hoping they could spend the time together. <br /><br />The next morning, the entire family is dragging ass in the kitchen, wondering why they're all so tired. Joey comes in chipper and spouting off "Top o' the mornin' to ya,!" like some deranged leprechaun. Then Becky comes in and says that on her drive to the health club, the radio said it was only 5am. Joey cackles and yells, "April Fool's!" He turned back everyone's clocks and watches in the house. It's not even April, but Joey can never fool them on the actual day, so he decided to strike prematurely. There are a lot of instances on this show where I would kill Joey, but for tampering with my sleep I would literally MURDER his ass. <br /><br />Later, Kimmy and Keanu try to urge DJ to come to a party with them. But she declines, citing that she promised she'd watch the twins that night and besides, Steve was due to call her from LA that night. DJ's playing with Nicky and Alex and their farm toys and is making some killer goat sounds. Steve calls and she says "Helloooo?" with a bleating goat inflection. Ha. Not really though. Steve's calling from a posh restaurant in Beverly Hills, gushing about the celebrities he's met (like Tom Cruise's dental hygienist (ah, the days where Tom Cruise wasn't a loony parody of himself)), when he's tapped on the shoulder by the uber rude Suzanne Somers. Her bitchy ass asks to use the pay phone because her flip phone died. And rather than be polite and let him use the phone for the all of 5-10 minutes he paid for, her twatty self feels the need to interrupt. She's actually not a bitch in how she asks, but I think the fact that she interrupts to ask at all is bitchy in itself, if that makes any sense. Plus, I hate Suzanne Somers. Steve freaks out, star struck and promptly hangs up on DJ. Miffed that she waited around all night for that pathetic conversation, DJ vows to go out and have fun... starting tomorrow. <br /><br />The next day, DJ goes hiking up Eagle Mountain with Kimmy & Keanu. DJ is getting freaked out by the heights and asks Kimmy if she's also scared. Kimmy awesomely replies "I'm too dumb to be scared." As she admires Keanu's tush while he climbs to the next level, she nearly falls off the side of the mountain until DJ pulls her back. Kimmy is unfazed by her near brush with death and simply remarks "What a way to go." DJ is too scared and doesn't want to move from the ledge and Kimmy tells her to sack up and face her fears. She does and feels a great sense of empowerment from climbing the mountain.<br /><br />Later in the week, DJ comes in from being out with Steph and Michelle and sees an irritated Steve sitting at the kitchen table. Apparently he'd been there for 3 hours, waiting. DJ forgot that this was the day he returned home from LA, and Steve gets all assy about how obviously she didn't miss him all that much if his return slipped her mind. And while Steve's being a bit bratty, especially given his phone manners (did he even try to call another time while in LA?), I can't imagine forgetting when a significant other returns from vacation. DJ just says that she's kept pretty busy this week and got her dates crossed. She also mentions the Suzanne Somers incident and Steve accuses her of being jealous of him and Suzanne. That's the last straw for DJ who tells Steve to go home. He says fine, but that he's not going because she said to. He's going because his mother told him not to be late for dinner "and I don't intend to."<br /><br />The family gathers in the living room to pull their April Fool's joke on Joey. They recorded an earlier lottery drawing and purchased a ticket with those exact numbers and switched that ticket with the one Joey bought. They think they've convinced him he's won and then accidentally toss the ticket in the fireplace. When they reveal the April Fool's joke, he says there was no tape in the VCR, because he took it out to clean it earlier, and then the entire family freaks out and tries to retrieve the ticket from the fire. Joey then calls "April Fool's" on their asses, and this is way too much April Foolery for not even fucking April. Turns out UgSnot labelled the tape in question "Joke on Joey." This is why you don't let fugly little trolls handle even the most menial task, as they always will find a way to fuck things up. Thankfully, the family had a backup plan. As Joey tells them they'll never be able to prank him, he walks through the kitchen door and has a bucket of water dropped on his head. Awesome. I love Joey getting his comeuppance. <br /><br />In the middle of the night, Danny goes down into the kitchen to find DJ sitting there, unable to sleep. She tells him about her fight with Steve and how she feels like they're no longer on the same wavelength. Danny says that sometimes people start to grow apart and she asks if that's how he felt when him and Vicky broke up. He says it was, and that they need to talk about it. DJ thanks him for the Dad talk and says that they're a lot more enjoyable when she's not in trouble.<br /><br />The next day, DJ bring Steve to Eagle Mountain to see if he feels the same empowering clarity she felt. All Steve feels like is eating a Chili Dog. DJ sadly tells Steve that it feels like something is missing from their relationship, like someone let all of the air out of it. She says that the heat and connection between them is disappearing, and Steve says that they still have fun together. She says that what he's describing is a friendship, and there's no more romance. She says they'll always be best friends, which pleases Steve as she's the best friend he's ever had. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilZQqz8WPiTByfF6h6KyyjUSf-KHhFlmGqTFqYefxEQ7veFH_OK-6qcpdVn0CtS_Grc59inV_f8bOJcN0QQuW65kZWpqjWeNjbNNcVsy-G7semDqED4zAwrGBradzNk90huWJW5EWY83jB/s1600-h/fh7-19.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 160px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilZQqz8WPiTByfF6h6KyyjUSf-KHhFlmGqTFqYefxEQ7veFH_OK-6qcpdVn0CtS_Grc59inV_f8bOJcN0QQuW65kZWpqjWeNjbNNcVsy-G7semDqED4zAwrGBradzNk90huWJW5EWY83jB/s400/fh7-19.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270434419364851298" /></a><br />They break up and DJ asks what do they do now? Steve says they head down the mountain to face the world. DJ hangs back for a minute, and tells Steve she'll be okay, and then looks out into the wide yonder and repeats to herself "I'll be okay." Cheeeeeeeese! Bye Steve! I'll miss your human garbage disposal ass!MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-60755718626642453242008-11-17T17:00:00.003-05:002008-11-19T13:18:34.226-05:00"Well, usually that's my idea of a Happy Meal..." or The Perfect Couple (7.13)No, you're eyes aren't playing tricks on you. It is I, actually updating my blog. I don't have a good reason for neglecting it for so long, but I'm updating now, so yay!<br /><br />We open with another one of Vicky's weekend visits is coming to an end and as she's leaving, her and Danny keep kissing. Ew. Not sexy. Never fear though, she'll be back next weekend to visit again.<br /><br />Danny glumly goes into the kitchen and tells Joey that the distance and living visit to visit with Vicky is killing him and that he wants to settle down and begin their life together. Joey, always the sympathetic ear, jokes that he's not ready for that level of commitment, to which I reply, then maybe you should finally move out of his house after 7 fucking years, Gladstone. Danny vows to sit Vicky down during her visit next weekend and set a date for the wedding since they've now been engaged for 6 months.<br /><br />Joey begins blowing smoke up Danny's ass and complimenting him and builds Danny and Vicky up as the perfect couple and segues into asking him to participate on his new gig, the trial run episode of a game show he's hosting, coincidentally entitled "The Perfect Couple." DJ and Steve are also going to take part as the dating couple and Jesse and Rebecca are going to be the married couple.<br /><br />Jesse is less than thrilled about being on the show, but Becky thinks it will be fun. He claims he is an enigma and she reveals that she essentially knows everything about him. A few of the Jesse Katsopolis fun facts she reveals: for Christmas he wants the pepper grinder to complete his Elvis kitchen set, his favorite midnight snack is chicken (as he often returns to bed "smelling like the Colonel"), When he gets angry he goes to tune up his Harley. Jesse is miffed that he's so predictable and stomps off in a huff.<br /><br />Steve comes in to see DJ, excited to be on "The Perfect Couple" which will henceforth be shortened to TPC because I'm lazy. He reveals he's planning on wearing his lucky ring from his Uncle Artie, who also taught him how to juggle... all facts DJ was unaware of up until this moment. DJ panics that she doesn't know anything about Steve and questions what the relationship is based on. Kimmy replies, "You're cute. He has a car. What more is there to know?" Bwah! Score one for the Gibbler. Steve doesn't get why DJ's freaking out, because they love each other, and isn't that enough to build a relationship off of? Remember this when the end of the episode rolls around.<br /><br />Steph is baby-sitting Nicky and Alex and asserting her authoritay, Eric Cartman style. Stephanie asks them to put on their pajamas and they refuse and start running amok all over the house. Obvs we have UgSnot lurking around to offer her bratty commentary of the situation. Poor Stephanie, can you imagine being left on your own with those 3 demon spawn?<br /><br />Meanwhile on the set of TPC, the couples nervously prepare for the show. Becky tells Jesse to drink some water because she knows how his throat gets dry when he's nervous. Jesse tries to insist that's untrue, but as he does, his voice catches in his extremely dry throat. For those playing along at home the score reads, Becky: 982354892102, Jesse: 0. Every couple is nervous, that is, except for Danny and Vicky, who's running late. The show's producer has his assistant Estelle step in for Vicky. Estelle is a short stout curmudgeonly old woman sporting a page boy haircut. Cue Joey sporting a ridiculous wig, capped teeth, affected voice and the pseudonym, Joe Stone.<br /><br />Danny is miffed that he has to participate in the game show with a complete stranger, wondering what Estelle could possibly know about him. She immediately and smartly snaps back, "I know you're a whiner." Bwah! Score one for the stout troll! DJ is equally unenthusiastic, saying theres no point in playing the game because her and Steve are practically strangers. They bicker back and forth and Joey tries to smooth things over, until the producer pulls him aside and tells him the goal of the show is to embarass the couples and instigate arguments. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcxlF1FsF7kSNxwfofix8u4hoBjm91AL7zveghH1ObiJaRD2oVD4cUIk5QtP0rD3vw3cVuAhmYh6Tz9jtHVnafZhZBdXtSPWwAm19kn7iBb8m3LU4grPWGWAVXTfBZtDtXHSpr6f5wuOh4/s1600-h/fh7-14.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 160px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcxlF1FsF7kSNxwfofix8u4hoBjm91AL7zveghH1ObiJaRD2oVD4cUIk5QtP0rD3vw3cVuAhmYh6Tz9jtHVnafZhZBdXtSPWwAm19kn7iBb8m3LU4grPWGWAVXTfBZtDtXHSpr6f5wuOh4/s400/fh7-14.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270434620947074210" /></a><br /><br />Joey tries to fan the flames, but DJ has simmered down and exasperatedly asks for Joey to just ask the first question. He obliges and asks Steve: "Which fish does DJ think you would say she kisses like?" Steve incorrectly guesses flounder. Oh snap! DJ's actual answer is that she hopes he'd say angel fish. Steve plays this off awesomely saying, "Oh! Tropical fish are allowed?" Joe Stone pipes in, "Looks like this relationship is floundering!"<br /><br />Moving on to the old married couple, Joey asks Jesse what Rebecca would say is his obsession. He says that it WAS his hair, but now he has a brand new obsession: proving to Becky that he is unpredictable. She nails it, practically word for word, much to the chagrin of Jesse.<br /><br />Joe Stone moves onto our "engaged" couple prompting Danny to yelp, "We're not engaged!" He asks what song would Danny most like to hear at their wedding? Estelle rationalizes that because Danny is so high strung and sensitive, like her third husband Bernie, that it would be "Love Will Keep Us Together" which was Bernie's favorite song. Turns out that's Danny and Vicki's song. Again, please note this for later in the episode. Man, re-watching, the anvils, they are a-dropping.<br /><br />Steph chases the twins all around the house. I beat my head against the wall as Ug steps in to save the day. Turns out that Steph had the colors of the boys' pajamas switched. You know, I liked this story line a lot better when it was Steph bailing out an incompetent Kimmy who was baby-sitting the twins. Trying to recycle an old plot and replacing Stephanie with Ug is a major DOWNGRADE. Because the writers hate us so much, they have Steph beg the wise Michelle for help because she's just so wonderful. The power hungry little Trollsen is energized by her sudden surge of authority and becomes all militant, barking orders at the boys. Oh, how I would have loved them to stage a revolt against the tyrannical UgSnot.<br /><br />Back at TPC, Estelle is in the process of correctly identifying Danny's recurring nightmare as him being naked on a Stairmaster(TM). Yeesh, sounds like my nightmare... Bob Saget naked anywhere! I keed I keed, he's a sexy piece.<br /><br />Becky says that she's tired of upsetting Jesse by proving his predictability, so she opts to pass rather than risk once again matching Jesse's answer. Jesse pleads with her to say something, and when they roll the video, we see Jesse saying "Let's see her try and match this: I pass!" Exasperated, Jesse says he gives up, and there's no way to surprise her. Becky says he should look at it as a positive thing that they know each other so well, as it's an integral part of being a loving married couple. They tell Joey to back off.<br /><br />DJ shmoopily hopes to one day know as much about Steve as Becky and Jesse know about each other. Steve says that every day with her is like Christmas because each new thing he learns about her is like unwrapping a present. Joe Stone comments on the cheesiness of this statement, and DJ says that it's so sweet. They kiss and say eff TPC and go off to "learn" things about each other, wink wink.<br /><br />Estelle and Danny end up being the Perfect Couple and win a trip to Cabo San Lucas! Sweet! Joey gets the job as the producer cites if he can be this vicious with his own family, imagine the havoc Joey can wreak on strangers! Joey says thanks but no thanks, and turns in his capped teeth and doofy wig. <br /><br />Vicky rushes in, and way to miss the party there, Vic. She was late because she was in a meeting with the head of the network. Which network? Who knows? Better yet, who cares? She's been offered a job to anchor the network news... in New York. Danny is obviously saddened by the news. Vicky tries to put a positive spin on things, saying that they'll pretty much be the same as how they have been, only with her stationed in New York rather than Chicago. Danny laments that he doesn't want things to stay the same, he wants things to get better and closer. He tells her that he wanted to sit down and set a date for the wedding. Vicky tries to stay upbeat, and says they just need to wait a little longer. Danny sadly replies that he can't do that, because it hurts too much. Aww is anyone else's heart breaking? Just a little bit? Vicky unrealistically suggests that Danny moves to NY. He tells her that he can't uproot his entire family and that everyone he cares about is on the west coast... that is, everyone but Vicky. Vicky says she can't give up her dream and Danny says he can't ask her to give up her dream, so he'll give up his. They break up and admit that love isn't enough. Thud. There's that anvil that's been falling all episode long.<br /><br />Damn, teary-eyed Bob Saget is really tugging at my heartstrings. <br /><br />Back at the house, Danny is sitting alone by the fire as Christmas carols play. Shit, it's fucking Christmastime and he just broke off his engagement? Poor Danny! The girls come in and try to cheer Danny up. Well, DJ and Stephanie do. All Ug does is offer him a tuna melt. DJ and Steph tell him that they'll miss Vicky too, but also say they've been getting along fine without a mother thus far and even though it hurts, they still have each other. The brokenhearted father embraces his three daughters over the swelling music of "The First Noel" in the background.<br /><br />There, now I've gotten everyone in the holiday spirit. I'll try to be much better with updates in the future. Promise!MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-37686228050189591752008-09-29T22:06:00.000-04:002008-09-29T22:14:01.041-04:00"At the end of the second period, the score's 4-4..." "That's a tie!" or Nice Guys Finish First (6.9)Tee hee, this episode is #9 in Season 6, making it's call number 6.9. Tee hee. Yes, I'm twelve.<br /><br />DJ's finally starting driving lessons around the block with Danny. They return to the house and he's visibly shaken. When my Dad did driving lessons with me, his rage left me shaken. God, I hated learning to drive with my Dad. UgTwat being the little idiot that she is, is freaking out scared of the Norwegian Goat Boy. It's piss-poor story lines like this that show how far the writers would go to center an episode around Michelle. I mean, seriously? Norwegian Goat Boy?<br /><br />Becky comes in with the twins to listen to Jesse and Joey's radio show... like they actually give a fuck. The Rush Hour Renegades and the radio station are giving away ice to callers in honor of the fact that Joey is playing in a charity hockey game. Their guest this afternoon is Hershel Binkley, the opposing goalie of the other team. Turns out that ol' Hershel is a familiar face from Joey's past. He pulls out a chintzy plastic hockey goalie's mask that has a red brick pattern painted on it. Back when they knew one another, Hershel went by the moniker of "Stonewall" and he was Joey's rival when he played hockey in college because he apparently stopped Joey's potential game-winning goal. And like seriously? First, isn't stopping pucks sort of part of a goalie's job? I don't see how that's some great embarrassment for Joey. Second, how old is this guy that he's still desperately clinging to this moment? Thirdly, with a name like Hershel, is he really one to make fun of anyone? And lastly, I really hate this massive tool because he's making me defend Joey. I need to pump some "You Oughta Know" and take a scalding hot shower to wash away my shame.<br /><br />Um anyway, Joey acts like a total pussy and backs down from all of Stonewall's jaw-jacking. Jesse tries to come to his defense, but Stonewall leaves all smug and triumphant. Again, this guy is like mondo pathetic. I can't stand those jockstrap types who can't let go of their glory days. Later, the family all goes ice skating together and we learn that Danny's practically a professional figure skater. His stunt double launches into a fancy jump, and Danny sheepisly claims he's a little rusty citing "I hardly got any height on that double axle." And this is why I love Danny Tanner, he got a bad rap as a total uptight toolbag, but he's got some great one-liners. And a secret past as a figure skater? Brilliant! The family all joins hands to play "Crack the Whip" and it's at this point that I wonder, who the hell is watching Nicky and Alex? Better question, why do I care? Jesse is less than skilled on his skates and goes flying off the end of the line and into the wall of the rink. Bwah!<br /><br />Who should interrupt this happy family moment than friggin' Stonewall. He begins chastising Joey again, and Danny reads my mind and asks Stonewall "Is your life so pathetic and empty that you need to live in the past?" To his credit, Stonewall actually answers "Well... yes." Joey finally tires of all the teasing and breaks his stick over his knee. Michelle looks scared, I laugh. I sure hope that wasn't Joey's only hockey stick.<br /><br />Danny is prepping DJ for her first time on the free way. He asks her to define the lanes and she does as such: The left lane is "the entirely too fast lane", the second lane is "the still entirely too fast lane" and the right lane is "for geeks and nerds." Heh. True dat. Danny is less than pleased with her assessment, and DJ assures him that she is happy to be a geek and nerd, and to drive in the slow lane so long as it allows her to drive outside of their neighborhood. Michelle, meanwhile, is still pissing and moaning about the freaking Goat Boy! Seriously writers, give it up! Stop trying to thrust Ug into the spotlight of every episode, it's just non sequitur at this point! My favorite obnoxious neighbor and yours, Kimmy Gibbler stops by not only to fan the flames of Ug's idiotic fears, but also tacks on the tale of the Muttman. Although I loathe the attention being wasted on Michelle, I must say that at least she's being tortured, so it makes it a little more tolerable. Christ, now she's whining about being afraid of Joey as he's getting all pumped up for the game. He promises to not be scary and God, I am SO over this catering to a 6 year old.<br /><br />Finally it's time for the charity Hockey game. The play by play is being broadcast on the guys' radio station with the painful commentary of the anti-jock, Jesse Katsopolis. He hasn't the slightest grasp on the rules of hockey and his play-by-play is hilarious but quite uninformative. The game's getting rough and Joey goes to punch Stonewall in his porky mouth, but then looks at UgTwat making her "I just smelled a turd" face which is supposed to convey fear, and he releases his grip and skates away. Jesse totally calls him out on his pussiness. At this point, Becky thankfully steps in to take over the commentary. She grew up with a lot of brothers and knows her shit. The buzzer goes off and a mystified Jesse asks "Did someone pull the fire alarm?" Haha, Jesse's ignorance is cracking me up. At this point, Michelle has the balls to tell Joey he's playing like a weenie, and he says he won't play like a meanie, but is it okay if he plays like an in-betweenie. I shit you not, this grown ass man is lowering himself to bargaining with a 6 year old about how aggressively he can play a hockey game using the most ridiculous rhyming lingo that's making my ears bleed and soul die. If I roll my eyes any harder, I might strain something and need to up my contact lens prescription.<br /><br />So Joey's now playing in in-betweenie mode and Becky notes that somebody lit a fire under Joey's ass, but in more PG rated terminology. Time's running out and Joey is on a breakaway, but someone on the opposing team hooks his skates and pulls him down. Time expires and Jesse thinks the game's over, but Becky corrects him that Joey is entitled to a penalty shot. Becky over-dramatics, "It all comes down to this." Jesse, not wanting to be left out adds on, "This... is what it all comes down to." Bwah! Joey takes the shot and naturally makes it. Becky screams "Do you believe in miracles?" Um, I don't really think Joey's winning goal in some podunk charity game really compares to the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team's triumph over the Soviet Union, but to each their own. Stonewall looks utterly dejected and you just know that that pathetic loser went home and killed himself. He probably sliced his wrists open on his skates because his non-professional hockey career was the only thing he had going for him in his miserable life. <br /><br />Joey celebrates by skating around the ice with Michelle hoisted on his shoulders. Ew, I won't even comment about him having Ug's twat rubbing all up on the back of his neck. Nasty. Man, I don't even know why I chose to recap this episode. It was completely focused on Joey and Michelle, the two most loathsome characters, and it brought out a lot of hostility in me. Next time, I'll do a more fun, fluffier episode that generates less hateful snark.MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-58703120427184309192008-09-24T01:26:00.006-04:002008-09-24T03:10:15.856-04:00"Look Joey we caught our first fish, a big-mouth Gibbler" or The Last Dance (7.17)Holy hell the Milkman has been resurrected from her dormant state. I truly apologize to all of my faithful readers who may have been constantly checking for new updates and were inevitably disappointed each and ever time. I deeply apologize for my unscheduled hiatus, let's just say there was a lot of personal drama, heartache, mean girls, problems at the office and just a whole bunch of shit that compiled together and dropped me into a blogless funk. But, I just ate a shit ton of the new kickass Volcano Tacos(c) from Taco bell and polished off my 2 liter of Coke, so I'm all wired and ready to mock the hell out of a certain fug troll known as Michelle Tanner. Ironically enough, I'm making my return with one of the most legitimately sad episodes, but rest assure, the shitty acting of the Olsen twins results in much mockery. This is also my first recap from Season 7... expect lots of anecdotal segues.<br /><br />The family is in the kitchen stuffing grape leaves in preparation for the arrival of Grandpa "Papouli" Katsopolis. I do love any episode about the Greeks as the traditions they reference bring back memories of my childhood. For instance, the stuffed grape leaves, which subsequently I hated. I'd probably like them a lot more now if I tried them as in more recent years I've become a lot more adventurous in what I put in my mouth (yes, that sounds dirty, but I'll allow it), but I don't have the most pleasant memories of eating them as a youngun. DJ's on her way to the mall to buy the coolest pair of sunglasses. She begins describing them, <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5WPyfo6q8PgmVR_k9Elo8c6oi9A8IjUNXqEPrlTWtMlY83Qiksv6pfTxrgG3V-J3o9BaB-Nf-rDdzJKLi3bW73LSa0xsghNYeB0QPDVNHgAoDQrAzB_p4iII8bJpSB5GvZI7pyzX9TCaD/s1600-h/john_purple.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5WPyfo6q8PgmVR_k9Elo8c6oi9A8IjUNXqEPrlTWtMlY83Qiksv6pfTxrgG3V-J3o9BaB-Nf-rDdzJKLi3bW73LSa0xsghNYeB0QPDVNHgAoDQrAzB_p4iII8bJpSB5GvZI7pyzX9TCaD/s320/john_purple.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5249471406979052738" /></a><br /><br />just as Kimmy comes in wearing the same exact pair! Oh snap! This results in a little tiff as DJ's pissed because apparently she called "dibs" on them. Hey, you snooze you lose, Deej. I was shopping with my friends for a Playboy mansion themed party a few weeks back and my friend who's about 30lbs heavier than I am picked up a corset I'd already tried on and decided to buy and demanded that I put it back because she wanted it. I'm a stubborn asshole, so I said hell to the no, and bought that bitch. Besides, it wouldn't have fit her anyway. Not being mean, it's just totally true.<br /><br />Jesse comes home with Papouli and Papouli has the damndest time identifying his great granddaughters. He guesses them all wrong, and when they correct him cheerfully replies "Of course you are!" It's pretty cute, I love the old guy playing Papouli. UgTwat is extremely rude and disrespectful making comments such as "You have no idea who any of us are!" and when Papouli says "Who could forget Rebecca?" she snots, "I bet you could." Like seriously? I know it's supposed to be "funny" but who the fuck was ever allowed to speak to their elders like that? So he can't remember their names, he's met them what? Twice? I so wanted someone to smack Michelle down or scold her for speaking to Papouli like that, but of course, no one does. Unfuckingbelievable.<br /><br />More Greek food name-dropping, this time Moussaka! Mmm, I haven't have Moussaka in so long, I should ask my mom to make some. But, I'd probably be better off going to the Greek Cafe downtown. My mom's kind of out of practice with executing Greek recipes. DJ whines about her feud with Kimmy and Papouli tries to tell her a Greek fable and she pretty much blows him off. Where did these girls learn their manners? Fucking A! Papouli and the girls appear to be moving a lot of flour around on the kitchen table, perhaps in preparation to make some Kourabiedes (which, btw, I spelt right without aid of a dictionary, (insert self-congratulatory pat on back of shoulder))? Papouli wipes flour on their noses and cheeks and this launches a full-on flour fight. They yell "Opa!" and I can't help but notice that my, that's an awful lot of flour they got there. Jesse comes down and acts like a stiff and comments that they're making a mess, but he eventually loosens up and joins the fun.<br /><br />In the living room, Papouli is teaching Ug how to dance. He tries to get Jesse to, but again he acts like a poop and says that someone has to clean up the mess in the kitchen. He claims he doesn't dance to which Papouli replies, "If you're Greek, you dance." To which I reply, only when I'm hammered or I don't think anyone is watching. But allow me to reference Jesse's future attempt at dancing in a genie themed rap video for "Forever" and say that the Jess man is seriously lacking in the rhythm department. Papouli's pretty much the cutest thing ever, teaching them a lesson about Greek pride and explaining that the reason they dance is because they can't contain their happiness. Ug asks Papouli if he'll come with her to show and tell to teach her class the Greek dance (they literally refer to it as "The Greek Dance") and he agrees and she says "I love you, Papouli." Oh sure, you sass him all day for his poor memory and then when he agrees to do something for you, you love him. What a little shitkicker. <br /><br />As we transition overnight, the background music becomes a sad Greek instrumental. We see the entire family gathered around the kitchen table the next day, all somber with red, teary eyes. Ruh roh. I remember watching a rerun of this episode in college with my hardcore/goth/industrial/hardass roommate, and at this point she became all verklempt and tearful. It's hard for me to snark on any of them because they're really selling the sadness. Especially Jesse who says he feels helpless and guilty... he must be reaching back to his days as Blackie Parrish on "General Hospital." Jesse fights through the pain and tears and refuses to let the rest of the family help him make any funeral arrangements. Just then, Ug comes home all smiley and hideous from her Honeybee meeting. Because her head's so far up her ass, she fails to immediately notice that the family's all dressed in black and on the verge of tears. Finally she surmises "Something's wrong..." Uhhh, ya think? Seriously, is she the world's biggest idiot or what? Don't answer that, I think we all know that's the case.<br /><br />Danny gently informs her that Papouli died in his sleep the night before and with absolutely zero emotion or inflection, Ug deadpans "What?" and continues in her monotone "No. He's not dead." I shit you not, the flatness with which she delivers the lines is completely laughable and ridiculous. It completely takes you out of the scene. Why didn't they have an acting coach work with those trolls to invoke some semblance of emotion. Gaaa this shit is painful. Michelle then takes the fug craft she made at her Honeybee meeting for Papouli and smashes it on the ground. Ohhh...kay. Man, she's a little shit.<br /><br />Up in their shared room, Stephanie goes to talk to Ug and emphasizes the importance of staying strong for Uncle Jesse. She says they can't let him see them cry and advises her that whenever she feels sad to imagine Joey stuffing an entire donut in his mouth. Methinks that would make me sadder. Just then, Jesse comes in to check on the girls and Ug has this psychotic fake smile plastered on her face. My, she's a little freak.<br /><br />The next day, Danny tells Jesse that Papouli's death made him realize how short and precious life is, so he went out and bought a boat which he named Papouli. They have a really manly brotherly embrace, and my heartstrings, they are being a-tugged. Jesse fights back the tears, and I wish to God this show had some continuity and that we ever saw this boat again. On a random shallow note, Stephanie has been sporting some truly awful and horrendous braids all episode. The braids are too far forward, as in they are braided over her ears and with Jodi Sweetin's awkward tween features it's... not a good look. I'll just chalk it up to this being her "mourning hair." <br /><br />Kimmy comes over to offer her condolences to DJ and Deej finally realizes the point of Papouli's story and there are apologies all around. Hooray! Friends again. Those sunglasses were fug anyway, ladies!<br /><br />Jesse, meanwhile, receives a phone call from Michelle's school because apparently the little troll never showed up to school. As if Jesse doesn't have enough on his plate to worry about, he has a mild panic attack wondering where the little fugnasty went. He sees her hiding in the boat and catches her by her grubby little hand by leaving out a chocolate pudding lure. Jesse and Michelle talk and she says that if she acts sad and cries, then she can't be strong for Jesse. He asks where she got the idea that she needed to be strong from, and she totally throws Steph under the bus. Jesse says that what Stephanie told her was wrong and that he'll "have a talk with her about it." Way to go, UgTwat.<br /><br />Michelle whines that Papouli was supposed to come with her to school that day to teach the dance to her class and she was afraid that if she went and he wasn't there, she'd be sad. Jesse tells Ug that she should always show her feelings and Michelle's all "I loved Papouli. I was his Little Michelle." Jesse replies, "I was his Little Jesse." The undertones of that which I read are "I was really his favorite as he knew me way longer and actually could put a name to my face, so back the fuck up on this sadness because this is MY bag, troll!" And like seriously, this was the second time she ever met him. Get over it, Michelle. Attention whoring little shit. Jesse is much bigger than I am and says that it's okay to be sad and Ug asks, "Uncle Jesse, is it okay to cry?" Oh my GOD, the acting by whatever Olsen this is in this scene is KILLING ME. I am now deader than Papouli after being subjected to this drivel. Why couldn't they have done these scenes with Stephanie? He says "You bet" and they cry and hug and I die a little more inside. <br /><br />Jesse brings Michelle to school and drops her off. She attempts to show her class the Greek dance, but only remembers the first step. Seriously? God she sucks at all aspects of life. Luckily, sexy brooding Uncle Jesse was still lurking nearby, and he comes in and saves the day and they Greek dance their pants off. <br /><br />This episode is actually pretty good, and the entire family besides Michelle is really great and convincing in their grief, so I wish they'd gone a different route than the typical UgCentric episode. Apologies again to all the readers (that is, if you all didn't abandon ship during the lengthy hiatus)- I promise to be better in the future.MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-87632752192707526422008-08-26T14:53:00.000-04:002008-08-26T15:14:09.473-04:00"Do I have the biggest part?" "No... but you have the biggest mouth." or The Play's the Thing (6.8)Stephanie and Ug come in all melancholic because the school is planning to cancel the first grade play "America the Beautiful" because there's no parent volunteer to coordinate and run things. Stephanie's bummed because she was supposed to be the choreographer for the show, and Ug is upset because without this play, she's robbed of yet another chance to make herself the center of attention. Danny's all set to step in, but unfortunately his work schedule makes it impossible for him to do so. Along with the girls, he manages to instead rope Jesse and Joey into taking the reigns. <br /><br />Becky's running around like a maniac because she has a million things to do and is bogged down with her demon twins. Danny offers to watch the boys while she runs her errands and shops. She comes back with some dinky model trains for Nicky and Alex, but is dismayed when she sees that Danny beat her to the punch and already purchased two bigger and better trains, I'm talking these are ones you can ride. Danny makes a tunnel between his legs, and I must say there is something really uncomfortable about watching these young boys in such close proximity to Danny's crotch. Becky's obviously starting to get jealous of Danny's time with the boys and his far superior presents. Shut up, Becky. <br /><br />Up in the girls' room, Steph is helping UgSnot rehearse "Yankee Doodle." And words can't even do justice to how horrific a Yankee Doodle Ug is. She is completely tone deaf, without any sense of rhythm and the hideous troll face makes blood stream out of my eyes and ears. Apparently both Stephanie and DJ were Yankee Doodle in their respective hey days so Michelle thinks she's a shoo-in, completely disregarding the fact that in their younger years, Steph and Deej were absolutely adorable and talented little girls. Unfortunately for all of the other children hoping to try their luck, Jesse and Joey blow smoke up Ug's ass and essentially guarantee her the part. <br /><br />Now it's time for the auditions. Aaron, the loudmouthed brat in Michelle's class, is true to his form and very very loud in his rendition of "Yankee Doodle." Ug does her tone deaf thing, all the while with a shit-eating grin because she thinks she has this shit in the bag. The personal highlight of these terrible auditions for me is this little Asian girl who simply stands there, refusing to sing who finally says "I never liked this song." Bwah! I hear ya, sister! Just when Michelle thinks she has this whole thing wrapped up, the guys and Steph notice one little boy sitting off to the side who had yet to audition.<br /><br />Cue SuperFlamer Derek! I know he's only a little kid here, but I don't think there was ever a more flamboyant child than Derek S. Boyd. He requests the song played in the key of E and pretty much blows all of the other kids (not like that! Pervs!) including Michelle out of the water and secures the lead role as Yankee Doodle. The look on Michelle's face is priceless, and I relish in the joy of one of the few moments where that little shit does not get her way.<br /><br />Back at the Tanner household, Danny's spending more and more time with Nicky and Alex. Becky's jealousy exhibits itself in some bona fide textbook passive aggressive behavior. Michelle is also stomping around the house pissed off and bitter that the better man got the part she so coveted. DJ volunteers her and Steve to attend "America the Beautiful" which Steve is against. He's naturally less than thrilled about the prospect of wasting precious moments of his life watching some idiotic first grade play. DJ gets mad at him for this... but like, seriously, she's not even having sex with him so does she really expect him to just roll over and submit himself to this kind of torture?<br /><br />Becky's on the hunt for her boys and finds them taking a bath... with their Uncle Danny. <br /><br />EW! <br /><br /><br />EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! <br />EW! <br />EW! <br />EW! <br />EW! <br /><br />Okay, I think I've recovered. Seriously, the levels of inappropriate behavior Danny reaches in this episode put him in a category with Michael Jackson and R. Kelly. I mean, thankfully he has his swim trunks on, but is it normal for parents/guardians to join their children in the bath? I mean, the twins aren't exactly infants at this point, they're definitely toddlers. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Becky's mad because she wanted to give them their bath and Danny says it's no problem and Becky finally blurts out, "No Danny. It IS a problem." She tells him that she wants him to back off (in a somewhat nicer way) and all is resolved with a hug a smile and some touching instrumentals.<br /><br />Jesse and Joey go to cater to UgSnot. Even though she doesn't get to be Yankee Doodle, they've created a special role for her (Why? Aren't there enough parts to go around without having to give her special treatment YET AGAIN?!?!) Anywhore, they've cast Ug as Lady Liberty, it entails her saying like 2 lines introducing Yankee Doodle, thankfully NOT singing and predominantly standing there looking fug. Whatever Olsen is bratting their way through this scene totally flubs her lines. J&J pretty much tell her that not everyone can be lead singer in a band and emphasize the importance of the backup support, using the Rippers' bass player Lanny as an example.<br /><br />It's time for the shit-tastic "America the Beautiful" which, for some reason, Steve ended up getting roped into going, and it's pretty much your typical painful to watch kids' play. Derek gets stagefright and is cowering in the wings until he gets a peptalk from the one and only Ug, and when he comes out and sings, he makes it all about Ug. Yes, that's right. Once again, Michelle weasels her way into the limelight. On that note, I'm going to run head first into a wall to erase the painful memory of this promising episode away.MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-27056813019225113682008-08-25T13:48:00.002-04:002008-08-25T14:53:28.469-04:00"Oh girls, you like fresh baked cookies, don't you?" "We prefer store-bought." or Trouble in Twin Town (6.7)We open on the set of WUSF where some ugly ass old twins are playing polka to hype up the upcoming Twin Expo which is being hosted by none other than Danny. Meanwhile, his lady love Vicki is traveling with the Chicago Bears to Green Bay. Wow, pretty obvious who got the short end of the career stick. Jesse stops by the set to meet up with Becky, who tells him that her annoying cousin Dick and wife Donna are coming into town. Jesse starts to whine, because apparently they're snooty douchebags. <br /><br />Back at the house, Stephanie is lamenting her boy problems to DJ. Apparently there's this boy in her class named Jimmy who keeps giving her noogies and pulls her hair. Isn't Steph at an age where this behavior's a little passe. Like 5 year olds pull hair, I would think there would be serious reprimands for a 10 or 11 year old boy laying his hands on a girl. DJ theorizes that Jimmy's doing all of these shenanigans because he has a thing for Steph and suggests that she call him.<br /><br />Dick, Donna and their daughters Debbie and Darla arrive. Dick is played by Mark Linn-Baker who portrayed Coosin (sic) Larry on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vbnLYROCj8">"Perfect Strangers"</a> "Standing Taaaaaall on the wings of my dream!" For some unexplainable reason, I used to love that show. Ah, remember the days before VH1's "The Surreal Life" exposed Bronson Pinchot as a nasty perv? Anywhore, Dick and Donna are totally snobby assfaces, and Dick is one of those assholes who says insulting things and then tags on a disclaimer that it's a "small joke" as if that somehow makes it okay. Reminds me of this total bitchface at work, who is a snooty rude insulting bitch who claims she was "just kidding, like oh my God can't you take a joke?" whenever you get pissed off at the nasty shit she says. Man, I hate that bitch. Anywhore, Dick and Donna are in town to parade their daughters around in the twin expo and <br /><br />Steph reports back to DJ how her phone call to Jimmy went. DJ asks if he likes her and Steph says "Close. He hates my guts." He pretty much threatened a restraining order if she ever calls him again. Bwah. DJ tries giving Stephanie more tips on Wooing Boys 101. If you catch a guy staring at you and you smile and he fixes his hair, it either means that he's totally into you or... it means nothing at all. Wow, riveting stuff Deej, look out Dr. Laura!<br /><br />Haw haw! They stuck Ug with the duty of entertaining the bratty twins. They ask if she has a laser disc player, ha! Oh the early 90s! I remember watching "Stargate" on Laserdisc. Never really got into that whole fad, I was strictly VHS until DVD's took over. Debbie and Darla have a back-up plan, they packed their videogames! Sega Gamegears to be exact! They're playing "Ballerinas of Death" which sounds like 10 kinds of awesome. Ug whines, "When can I have a turn?" and the twins excellently reply "When you buy one!" Zing. Twins 1, Ug 0.<br /><br />Jesse, Becky, Dick and Donna return from Dinner where Jesse says he "ate so much lobster, [he's] sweatin' buttah!" Cousin Dick smartly replies, "Gee, I hope you didn't ruin your best t-shirt." Those Nebraskan Donaldson's are douches, but damn if they're not hilarious with their biting quips. Joey brings the twins in to their parents, and asks if it's okay that he made them ice cream sundaes. Donna asks Debbie and Darla, "What do you say?" and they reply that the sundaes "would have been better with hot fudge." I'm inclined to agree because without the fudge, it's not really a sundae, is it? Donna does appear to be the only member of the family who is somewhat gracious and polite. Dick and Donna then inform Becky that her ex Doyce just got married. Seriously? "DOYCE"??!! WTF kind of name is that?<br /><br />Dick and Jesse are left alone and Jesse cuts right to the chase, that he knows Dick doesn't like him. Dick says au contraire mon fraire, he would like Jesse if he was an acquaintance, he would like him if he was his waiter or even his mechanic, but as a brother in law... they always imagined Becky would end up with "better." Better than the Stamos? Impossible! Jesse says that he's not Dick's acquaintance or waiter, and if he was his mechanic, he'd have brake trouble. And furthermore, Jesse is going to enter Nicky and Alex in the Twin Expo and kick the crap out of Debbie and Darla.<br /><br />At the Twin Expo, Stephanie meets some hunky twins, Andrew and Thomas. She catches them checking her out and when she smiles, they begin fixing their hair! They pass the test! She saunters over to work her Stephanie Tanner charm. Cockblock alert! Apparently Andy and Tommy boy only like doing things with other twins. So Stephanie creates a twin sister for herself, Bethany, and uses DJ's accessories to pull off the switcheroo. Unfortunately, Stephanie is unable to keep track of what costume is her and what is Bethany and comes clean. The boys start to fight over her until she says there's enough Steph to go around. Slut!<br /><br />Twin Expo shenanigans. There's some slutty blondes whom Steve really digs, Debbie and Darla read an abysmal poem, and Nicky and Alex come out dressed as Elvis impersonators. Yeah... Just as Danny's about to announce the winners, he takes a phone call from his precious Vicki. That's professional. Apparently she's not the only one in the Bears locker room that wears heels. This episode sucks so let's just cut to the chase, Nicky and Alex win the Twin Expo, Jesse gets to shove it in Dick's face (hee, that was a fun sentence).MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4634068458250365421.post-1041461812391052652008-08-21T18:19:00.004-04:002008-08-21T18:22:15.398-04:00The Coolest Birthday Present Everrrr!Look what my sister sent me in the mail for my birthday!!!<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW8KAm4N7cUOQfhPS7o4TjEgqYC0JbGATs5Yo3r4qvQAe8eg-5XfSpV5HzaPSJlC6AnGchoucDnU95C_yZ7qFVhqPGijgMSJxYRYXsci5VoIorzxmCNkB0VwHZjHrENQv_ca078qd0LU9-/s1600-h/FH.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW8KAm4N7cUOQfhPS7o4TjEgqYC0JbGATs5Yo3r4qvQAe8eg-5XfSpV5HzaPSJlC6AnGchoucDnU95C_yZ7qFVhqPGijgMSJxYRYXsci5VoIorzxmCNkB0VwHZjHrENQv_ca078qd0LU9-/s320/FH.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5237099385028153922" /></a><br />SICK!!!<br /><br />When I stop being a lazy bum and have my scanner hooked up, I'll treat you all to all of the early 90s cheesy fashion goodness (in paperdoll form)!<br /><br />Hahaha, this is seriously one of the BEST Bday gifts everrrr! Thanks Big Gal Al!<br /><br />Now to get my drank on!MilkManhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05422426428247007678noreply@blogger.com5