You miss your old familiar friends

"I wonder if he has an older brother." or Silence is Not Golden (6.17)

2010-11-06T14:01:00.000-04:00

Just to preface, this is probably up in my top ten favorite FH episodes of all time (Maybe one day I'll actually assemble this vague list I've made reference to), so it will be hard for me to hate on, but I'm sure I'll find a way.

UgSnot and Denise are watching TV with a Funny Buddy commercial. For only $2 a minute, they can buy a crappy joke that nobody will laugh at. This tedious scene is also accompanied by an extremely annoying laugh from both girls. Denise says she asked her dad for permission to call because she's not a manipulative little shit; on the flip side, UgSnot got "permission" from Danny because she asked him while he was vacuuming. God, she sucks.

At school, Stephanie is talking to the Jennifers, one of which is TOPANGA! God, I FLOVED "Boy Meets World." And I'm talking about Flove with all sincerity, no snark. Brilliant show. Anyway, the girls are interrupted by the class lowlife Charles who makes this snappy assessment: "2 Jennifers and a Stephanie: 3 people, 1 brain, no personality!" Zing! Stephanie shoots right back with "What do you think of the human race?... We'd like an outsider's opinion." Finally their teacher breaks it up, and segues to a writing assignment she just came up with on the spot: finding the best in people. The goal is to interview each other and find the best qualities in one another, and for inspiring the assignment, Stephanie and Charles will be partners.

Back at the house, DJ, Steve and Kimmy are hanging around the kitchen table and Jesse comes in to be his hip Uncle self. Turns out Jesse and Steve both have to read and write a book report on Catcher in the Rye and whine about it. Dude, it's not even that long of a book. Everyone ignores DJ when she tells them to just suck it up and read the damn book and instead opt for the Gibbler method. No, not rent the movie (that IS the Gibbler method, but it's not on video). But the OTHER Gibbler method: each reading half of the book, just like she did with Cathy!Santoni! for their report on Much Ado About Nothing. DJ quips that Cathy read "much ado" while Kimmy read nothing.

Joey comes in with the twins who he just took from the playground. He empties their shoes of all the sand, and says he just doesn't know what it is about sandboxes as he empties his own loafer of a bucketful of sand. Haha get it? Because Joey's just a big kid. Ugh. You suck, Gladstone. To make this scene go from bad to worse, Ug and Denise come in with Funny Buddy's joke of the the day: "What did one penny say to the other? Let's get together and make some sense/cents!" Ugh. I thought I hated puns, but it turns out I hate UgPuns even more!

Steph comes home from school and is venting to Dannny about Charles, "the Obnoxitron." Danny thinks Steph must be exaggerating and he can't be that bad. DJ and Kimmy come in and Steph turns to her eldest sister for advice citing her experience with someone rude and crude. Kim awesomely and confusedly asks, "Deej, do you have a friend I don't know about?!" DJ tells Stephanie that if she just spends some time with and gets to know them, they might not be so bad. Kimmy still doesn't get it and is getting frustrated, "Who IS this person?!" Danny tries to provide an anecdote about a guest he and Becky had on the show, but it turns out that nope, some people are just jerks.

Charles arrives and Stephanie, ever the apple polisher, says it's nice to see him. Charles flatly retorts, "Yeah, wish I felt the same." He steamrolls right ahead and when he sees Danny, "I see where you get your looks" "Thanks." "I didn't say good looks." Bwah! After they leave to go upstairs, Danny relents that maybe there isn't good in everyone, and Becky adds that Charles needs to be taught some manners. Kimmy on the other hand, is salivating and wants to know if he has an older brother. God, I love Kimmy.

For the record, let it be known that badass Charles is rocking a black backpack with what appears to be hot pink piping.

While Stephanie and Charles are getting underway on their assignment, Ug comes in to tell Steph she's in big trouble with Danny for forgetting to take out trash and that he'll deal with her later. And that little brat is relishing in the thought way too much. Go away Ug. Charles' demeanor softens a bit and tells Stephanie to think of something funny because that always helps him when he's getting it. Stephanie isn't getting what "it" is, and Charles clarifies he mmeans getting pounded by his dad. Steph still isn't quite getting it, and asks if he means his dad hits him. Charles refuses to say anything else until they both learn that they have dead mothers in common. Charles admits he gets hit sometimes but its his own fault for ticking his dad off. Turns out last week, ol' Chuck was sporting a black eye from "walking into a door... a door named dad." Steph urges him to tell someone, but he makes her promise to keep his secret. Just then, Charles looks down at his watch and panics when he realizes he's going to be late and didn't phone his dad. He runs off and cue the sappy music as we zoom in on conflicted, pensive Stephanie.

The next day Charles isn't in school, and Stephanie's teacher tells her she'll be getting a new partner because Charles had an accident. Steph is immediately worried and asks her teacher for me details, and learns that he "fell down the stairs." A distressed look washes across Stephanie's face and for a moment it looks as though she's going to tell her teacher about Charles' home life, but backs away to keep her promise.

Becky, DJ, Steve & Kimmy are in the kitchen and UgSnot and Denise come in with more of their lame jokes that no one wants to hear. The teens go so far as to outwardly groan and Becky makes them listen and pretend to laugh. Today's gem? "What's a frog's favorite soda? CROAK-a-cola!" Now I'm groaning. Jesse comes in to go over their respective halves of Catcher in the Rye with Steve. Steve's dingbat synopsis of the entire first half is "Funny man." Lesson learned, next time the guys should read the whole book themselves. Reading half is like stopping eating a pizza after only six slices. Oh Steve, you and your impending heart failure. Jesse relays it's like the time he walked in halfyway through Tootsie, and asked himself "Who is this ugly woman?" Steve, dim as all get out tells him, "Hey you know in Tootsie, that was a guy." It looks like Jesse's brain hurts.

Danny just got the phone bill and it's astronomical due to all the Funny Buddy charges. Knowing what a hack comic Joey is, Danny goes to confront him. Joey is immediately defensive and says every time someone leaves cheese in the hamper it's his fault. I don't even wanna know, Gladstone. Danny retorts, "The gouda was in your pants!" "Oh, like you never left a wedge of cheese in your pants!" Actually, I can proudly say that I haven't, Joey. So Joey may leave cheese in the hamper, but he didn't call no Funny Buddy.

Ug and Denise come in with another joke, "How do you know an elephant's been in your refrigerator?" But oh snap! Danny's got the punchline! "By the footprints in the butter." Okay, that's not even like remotely funny. Danny busts Ug for the calls and when he finds out she knew they cost money but did it anyway (on account of she's soulless) he's pissed. She tries to get off by saying she'll never do it again and tries to dip out, but Danny says sometimes saying your sorry isn't enough. Because Ug just doesn't know when to quit being a little shit, she brats that sometimes it is. Danny sends her up to her room, and says her bedtime will be an hour early all week, no buts.

Ug stomps upstairs angrily and holy shit! Danny actually showed a spine to Princess Michelle, but this one time event was just a means to foil the Charles situation. Ug is running her mouth off about how mean and terrible Danny is, and Stephanie tells her to STFU. They're bickering goes back and forth as they get louder.

Uncle Jesse, finally attempting to read Catcher in the Rye in its entirety, hears the commotion and storms in to break it up, calling the girls Itchy and Scratchy (w00t w00t, "Simpsons" shout-out! How pop culture savvy!). Jesse pretty much says Ug was punished for good reason, and to suck it up. Man, why couldn't all episodes have the adults not taking shit from Michelle like this? Jesse then notices Steph is still worked up about how lucky they are to have a father like Danny because some kids get it much worse. Jesse asks where all of this is coming from, but Stephanie doesn't want to say. Jesse tells her to use common sense and her best judgment. She asks him to keep a secret and he tells her he cant keep it unless he knows what it is. Stephanie laments that that's what she should have told Charles. Finally she caves and tells him about Charles' father, and Jesse is immediately incensed and says they have to report this, or else he's going to go beat Mr. Abuser's ass himself. Stephanie protests, but Jesse explains if they don't say anything they're only helping the abuse happen again, and what will happen to Charles if they don't tell is worse than if they do.

A week later, Charles is still not back in school and Stephanie is concerned. Jesse tells her that he made some calls and found out that Charles was put in foster family. Stephanie angrily lashes out at Jesse, but he shoots that misdirected anger right down because it's not their fault, because they weren't the ones hurting Charles. Stephanie wonders why, if it's not her fault, does she feel so lousy. Jesse sadly tells her it's because it's a lousy situation. He awesomely tells her, "I know how hard it was, but thanks to you, thanks to Stephanie, Charles' father can't hurt him tonight." Aww, I kind of love when the guys are awesome at this parenting stuff.

Steph just can't wrap her brain around why Charles' father was so mean, and Jesse says he can't understand how anyone could hurt their child. I'm not ashamed to say that this whole scene is very touching, and I may or may not be a little verklempt. DJ interrupts this tender moment to tell them that Danny's home and it's time for dinner. Steph goes into the kitchen and gives Danny a big hug and kiss, just because. Danny says he'll take a free hug any time and Jesse looks on shmoopily and its hard for me to really hate on a Steph-centric episode where she once again proves how awesome a kid she is... especially compared to UgSnot.

"You just humiliated me in front of millions of people.!" "Oh, come on, it was probably only thousands." or Radio Days (6.4)

2010-10-27T13:54:00.003-04:00

Yes! We're spared the Michelle-centric opening! I'll take this as a sign that I was meant to return to recapping after a long (LONG ASS) sabbatical. Let's just dive right into the Tanner-y goodness.

Stephanie is sitting at the table working on her homework, a short story, and UgSnot wants to help. Citing her lack of literacy, Stephanie declines the offer, and UgSnot laments that no one ever lets her help which is received with a collection of "Awww"s from the audience. The hell? Steph has written some crap about a potato bug on a leaf, and it's painfully boring, but the point is Danny and Becky tell her to write about something she knows.

Steve and DJ barge in arguing about Steve giving a ride to the infamous CATHY SANTONI! DJ goes on and on about what a skanky dumb bitch Cathy is (apparently she only signed up for shop class because she thought it was taught at the mall (this is apparently Full House's answer to the 'Yo Momma' trend)). Their tiff catches Stephanie's ear and she's got a brand new idea for her short story. Unfortunately, DJ and Steve make up almost immediately in a most yawn-worthy way, and Stephanie is momentarily dismayed... until her meth-loving ass hatches a scheme!

Jesse comes in with his hideous twins, telling everyone that he's got an interview on the radio to promote some charity function at the Smush [sic] Club, and Danny tells him that he hears they might have an opening for a DJ at the station... which is apparently a lifelong dream of Jesse's... which we've never heard of prior to this episode. Joey mentions how his boss is trying to stick him with a co-host for "The Ranger Joe" show to which Danny awesomely replies: "I remember when they stuck me with a co-host." He's immediately met with a death glare from Becky and quickly adds, "...and it turned out great!" Heh, Danny still hates Becky's shrew ass after all these years.

On the set of the enchanted forest, Joey meets Jungle Jenny, his new co-host, who tells him he's wound tighter than an Amish quilt (the Hell?) She hung up some vines and wants to go on a rhino hunt and Joey hates her guts and tells Mr. Stowbridge she's wacked and he can't work with her, but oh-oh! Turns out Jungle Jane is also Mrs. Stowbridge. Gotta love nepotism!

Joey pops by the station to support Jesse for his interview. Joey catches the DJ's eye and she invites him to sit on in the interview. Joey makes a few cracks about Jesse's hair and Elvis obsession and Jesse gets all bent out of shape about it. I must be losing my touch because Joey is almost funny in this bit (saying Jesse voted more times for the new Elvis stamp than he did in the past three elections and also getting Jesse to admit he has a pair of Elvis undies that say "Love me Tender" (which I totes want)). As soon as DJ Julie steps out Jesse goes off and Joey storms off. Julie returns and tells him the phones were ringing off the hook and offers Jesse the gig... but only if Joey is his co-host. Jesse's rocking the "Oh Shit" face on account of he just told Joey to piss off and is going to have to do some major grovelling if he wants to realize this season's lifelong dream.

Jesse goes into Joey's room armed with a hot fudge sundae wanting to talk, and Joey is insulted saying "In case you haven't noticed the height difference, I'm NOT Michelle." But he totally caves and takes the sundae anyway. Then Jesse tries to casually slip in that they offered them a job at the station, and Joey busts him for only being nice and apologizing because he needs him. Because it's none of her business, but she's a nosy little shit, UgSnot invites herself in to help because she's a good helper and tries to force them to hug. J&J resist her efforts and resort to calling each other "Bullwinkle Brain" and "Dippity-Do Head."

Steve thoroughly raids the kitchen before sitting down to study, and when he opens the book finds a letter from "Henry" whom DJ kissed on Macaroni Day. Stephanie is lurking, and we know she planted the note. Danny comes in to read her story, a romantic drama about Cleve and PJ, and PJ's Macaroni day lover, Henry. Steve & DJ are still bickering, and Danny hears mention of a Macaroni Day tryst and shows them the story. Because Steve is too stupid to live, he is in awe of the coincidence between their real life drama and Stephanie's short story. Danny and DJ exchange a look.

To get back and Stephanie, DJ and Steve play up the incident and propose marriage to overcome the jealousy. When they tell Danny, he rejoices and asks what took so long. He tells them to take Stephanie's room, put Michelle into DJ's room and Stephanie can share the towel on the floor of the bathroom with Comet. Stephanie learns a VERY!IMPORTANT!LESSON! about not messing with other people's lives to come up with a story. DJ and Steve joke about getting married for real, but ultimately Steve chooses Danny's corndog (dirty!) over DJ (good call Steve, she's going to become a really annoying, uppity Christian!).

In the enchanted forest, Jungle Jenny and the brats string up Ranger Joe by his feet and abandon him. Joey gives Mr. Stowbridge an ultimatum and gets fired. UgSnot tells Joey how funny it was and he sends her to get him cut down. Suddenly the lights go out and we hear a thump in the darkness. Oh Joey, let's hope you just fell on your head.

Joey comes in bearing Elvis car wax for Jesse, and apologizes for the jokes he told, citing UgSnot for helping him realize that. The hell? Even SHE is confused as to what she did, but that little shit is never one to shy away from taking undeserved credit. J&J verbally fellate one another for far too long, and agree to take the DJ job, and Joey never admits that the only reason he's taking the job is because he just got fired, but whatevs. Joey makes a crack about driving his car through Jesse's hair because he needs a lube job and we end with Jesse chasing Joey around the house playing grab ass. Weird.

Wow. I am terrible.

2010-10-15T11:42:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's been over a year since my last post. I've had an influx in comments lately so I'm going to try to get back into posting ASAP because frankly, I kind of miss it. ABC Family shuffled it's lineup so I'm not even totally sure when FH is being run, but I'll figure it out and want to get back to where I left off and I definitely want to ultimately recap every episode, so thanks to those of you who are still out there reading, for your patience and enthusiasm. I'ma comin' back!

"Boy, this New Kids on the Block cologne really works!" or Secret Admirer (4.11)

2009-07-29T23:27:00.001-04:00

Ugh! One of the most disgusting UgCentric openings ever. UgSnot is sitting at the kitchen table licking all of the cream filling out of Oreos and putting the hollowed and saliva-covered sandwich cookies back in the jar. I've always thought that's one of the most foul things people do. And I shit you not, at the restaurant I used to work at, we used to have Cookie Sundays where we all brought in cookies and milk to make the shift go by easier. And a 23 year old girl who worked there did this very thing! She licked all the cream out and left the cookies in the package... didn't even throw them out. I cussed her out good, let me tell you. So disgusting! Like anyone wants to eat her fucking cookie discards. And she was a grown ass woman who operates on the level of Michelle Tanner. Congratulations, you're going to go far.

Wow Cindy! You're one of the few Danny Tanner girlfriends to make it over the one episode hump. They've apparently been together a month and since she also dry cleans his shorts (and the subsequent skidmarks), she's part of the family. She arrives with Rusty and a homemade apple pie that Rusty already dug into, as he sheepishly tells her, "Sorry Mom, it was a long car ride."

There's a knock on the door and DJ makes a beeline to answer it, yelling to everyone else to stay away. Kimmy explains to Danny, Cindy and Rusty that it's Ricky the paperboy and that DJ looks hungry for love. Ricky's rocking a fierce mullet that rivals season 1 Uncle Jesse. All Danny has is 20 bucks for the $3.50, and DJ tells him to keep the change. Danny tells him to come back with his change, and Ricky thanks DJ for the attempt at stuffing his wallet. He says he'll be back with the change and she says she'll be waiting and calls out "Toodle-loo!" and then rightfully remarks that she's such a geek. Rusty teases DJ about being Mr. and Mrs. Ricky Paperboy smoochy smooch. Danny remarks to Cindy that they're fighting like brother and sister, which makes DJ and Rusty go "Ewww."

Rusty pays UgSnot in nickels to deliver a love letter from "Ricky" to her sister. Only he doesn't specify which sister, and Ug naturally delivers it to the wrong sister, Stephanie, and tells her it's from Rusty. Now it's fun with internal monologue! To make it a little easier to transcribe and read, everyone's inner thoughts are going to be italicized to differentiate from what's being spoken aloud. But first, the contents of the Love Letter:

I've loved you secretly for a long time.
When I see you in the house, my heart burns with passion.
I can't live without your love.
Signed,
Hot for You.

Stephanie: If anyone finds out I got a love letter from that doofus, I'll die! She jams the letter in a nearby laundry basket when she sees Cindy coming inside. Cindy asks Steph for some pine fresh air freshener to spray in the backyard, per Danny's request. Joey hands Cindy the laundry on account of the fact that she works at a dry cleaner, and adds that there's a note in there "that explains everything." Cindy obviously finds the love letter Stephanie stashed in there and thinks Joey's hot for her, but hides note in a pile of papers on the table when she hears Danny coming in.

Beck comes in with lime Jell-o that has yet to set and Danny asks her to look over some notes for the show, adding he's thinking about "some changes that may affect us both, let me know how you feel." Becky of course finds The Note. If Jesse finds out, he'll kill Danny... hmm I'll have my own show. Just then Jesse comes in and Becky uses her kisses to keep him occupied while she hides the note from him. I know what he likes... and then we hear Jesse's internal response: Ooo I like that. Becky hides the letter in Kimmy's overdue library book. Danny then comes in and demands the proper low sodium pickles, because his entire menu is built around the gherkin. Becky, believing that Danny's trying to get rid of Jesse to get Becky alone, offers to go with Jesse back to the pickle store. Kimmy comes down and overhears they're going to the store and asks Jesse to pick her up an issue of Teen Hunk, and he refuses, for obvious reasons. He then hands Kimmy the book and says there's a little surprise in there for her, and awesomely calls her Kimbo.

Kimmy reads the note. Whoa baby! Jesse's hot for ME? And why not? I'm TWICE the woman Becky is! She awesomely concludes her thought with a hair toss. Michelle comes in and Kimmy tells her, "You better be nice to me kid. If I marry your Uncle Jesse, I'll be your Aunt Kimmy." UgSnot's inner monologue is as superficial as her thoughts spoken aloud. No way Jose! "No way Jose!"

Jesse comes back in to grab Becky's sweater and finds the note under it on the couch where Kimmy left it, and thinks either Danny or Joey sent it to Becky. Ug frustrated by her own stupidity remarks that she needs to learn to read... among many other things. Jesse sends UgSnot to fetch Danny and Joey so he can confront them. I'm going to find out which one of my best friends is a backstabbing weasel! He baits them, asking which one would like to escort Becky to Pickle Town, and Danny immediately offers to go. A-ha! So Danny's the weasel who wants my Webecca... Rebecca! But, then Joey volunteers to go instead, and Jesse has second thoughts. Hm, maybe Joey's the real reasel... weasel.

Joey extends the invitation to the store to Cindy, she panics about going out with the man who's trying to steal her from Danny and refuses. Danny finally puts an end to this stupid argument because Pickle Town delivers. Jesse tells Becky he needs to talk to her, but just then, Kimmy comes down all tarted up to put her seduction on the Jess-man. He tells her to bug off, but she digs it. Good! Pretend you don't like me, Becky will never suspect you wrote me that love letter! She wiggles her eyebrows and bats her eyes, prompting Jesse to remark that it appears she has some gunk in her eye. Kimmy graciously tells Becky she'd like to remain friends "no matter what happens" and Becky is understandably perplexed. Yeah, that's what you say now... wait 'til that rock is on my finger!

Ug is up in her room trying to teach herself to read via Dr Seuss's ABC book. Rusty comes in and asks if she delivered the letter and she tells him she did. He asks what happened, and Ug reports that now "everything is bananas." Rusty coos in delight and pats Ug's head, much to her chagrin. I really need a lock on my door.

In the girls' room, Steph tells DJ about the letter from Rusty. They both ew in disgust. Just then Rusty comes in and Steph runs out, yelling, what else? "How rude!" DJ gives Rusty a talk about love and says she understands he's ready for a girlfriend, but he needs a woman who's older and more mature. Danny calls them down for dinner and DJ tells him to think about what she's said and they'll talk later. Rusty takes this to mean that DJ has fallen for him. She's all over me! That babe is hot for the Rust-man!

Danny suggests they start a "love train" to the backyard and starts singing the song. Joey's lardass is enthused: "Great! I'll be the caboose!" but Becky stops him. He asks, "You wanna be the caboose?" Becky tries to speak hypothetically to Joey about the letter from Danny; "Sometimes a friend becomes so close to another friend that it turns to love. And it wouldn't be so bad if one of those friends wasn't engaged to be married." Joey completely misreads her intentions Holy cow! Becky's in love with me! Just then, Jesse comes in to see them talking and is now convinced that it was Joey who sent the letter. Now i know it's Joey...I'll kill him! Joey nervously looks at the murderous glare on Jesse's face, Thank God he doesn't know, or he'd kill me!

Outside, Becky whispers to Danny that they need to talk about the letter, and she had to get it out in open. Danny reads it Becky's in love with me?... Why do I have to be so darned attractive? Then Jesse comes out and Danny hides the letter under UgSnot's baseball cap. Jesse glares at Danny's sheepish face, I thought it was Joey, but look at that goofy, guilty grin... maybe it's Danny. I'll kill 'em both and sort it out later! Kimmy saved Jesse a seat next to her at the picnic table and once again wiggles the brows. "Kimmy, you gotta do something about that eye of yours."

Cindy tells Joey he has salad dressing on his shirt as means of stalling her confrontation about the letter. Finally she cuts to the chase and tells him, "Sometimes the wrong people fall in love... it's not anybody's fault, it just happens. I don't want Danny to get hurt, so let's try to control our burning passions." Joey is in awe of his affect on all of the women around him. First Becky, and now Cindy? Boy, this New Kids on the Block cologne really works!

Danny rambles about his definition of quality time, and we are treated to everyone's inner monologue (nearly verbatim... I can only write so fast, you know).
[Stephanie] One false move, and Rusty gets a weenie in his ear.
[Rusty] DJ is such a babe.
[DJ] Why is Rusty staring at me? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?
[Danny] What do I do about Becky falling in love with me?
[Becky] Look at Danny, rambling on the outside, burning with passion for me on the inside
[Jesse] Look at these two weasels, one can't stop babbling and the other needs a bib. I'll be doing mankind a favor when I kill 'em!
[Kimmy} Kimmy Katsopolous... that sounds so geeky. I'll make him take my name; Mr. Jesse Gibbler!
[Joey] I don't want Becky and Cindy to fight over me... unless we get some Jell-o
[Cindy] Joey's sweet, but I like Danny. He's such an eloquent speaker.
[Michelle] Boring, boring! Why is my daddy so boring?
[Comet] Gee, I hope somebody drops a hamburger.

UgSnot pulls the love letter out from under her hat and chaos breaks out. Everyone accuses everyone of sending it, except DJ who just wonders "Who are you people and where's my real family?" Everyone bickers until Jesse tells them to stop and asks who actually wrote it. Ug rats Rusty out and he confesses he wrote it to make DJ think it was from Ricky, the mulleted paperboy. They all relax and laugh about it, and Rusty is glad they can take a joke. They all turn their attention to him unamused and Ug says, what else? "You're in big trouble, mister!" and the family chases Rusty all over the house/yard.

Ricky McMullet is back with Danny's change. He not so subtly asks if they're BBQing and as he and DJ stand there, Rusty runs by closely followed by the rest of the family. DJ invites Ricky to sit down and eat, and they dig in. Ricky's glad he came back, as is DJ. Oh, Mylanta! The family runs by, still hot on Rusty's trail.

John Stamos has got my heart "Twitter"patin'!

2009-07-24T11:51:00.005-04:00

**UPDATE** My friend attended the concert and the Stamos DID sing "Forever" so I think it was the real deal! Squeeee!

So, my friend just told me the most awesome story about her Twitter encounter with JOHN STAMOS.

The Beach Boys are playing in Boston so my friend Tweeted him:

@JohnStamos Will you be playing with the beach boys this sat in Boston?! Would LOVE to see you there-maybe a little drumming and "Forever"?

And he (or his assistant) replied!

@FullHouseFan* I'll be there. drumming for sure. might be time to sing forever. we haven't done that in while.about an hour ago

@JohnStamos Awesome! The crowd (esp. the FH Fanatics) will LOVE it!

I'm going to assume it was the real deal Stamos, but even if it wasn't, this is definitely the coolest thing I've seen all week!

Sorry for the delay in the next new 'cap, I've been at school/working from 8am-midnight nearly every night this week. Next week will bring more bloggy goodness.

If you're really bored, you can follow me on Twitter. @eat_the_emu. It's nothing really FH related, and I tend to ignore it for days at a time (haha I guess like this blog...) but it will give you a glimpse into the girl behind the blog.

*For obvious reasons, I changed her Twitter username.

"The little goofball worships me!" or Aftershocks (3.11)

2009-07-16T00:28:00.012-04:00

Jesse and Joey are in Jesse's room jamming out wearing dark glasses like some sort of bastardized Blues Brothers. Jesse is playing the ol' six string and Joey is playing the harmonica. I must point out that Joey is also wearing a beret, not that that wardrobe choice should surprise any of you. Just then, who should wander in but UgTot, who demands they play her the teapot song. They oblige with a bluesy version of "I'm a Little Teapot" and Jesse urges Michelle to "shake her little tushy." Please, I beg of you, no more. The Powers that be hear my cry and we thankfully cut to the credits.

Jesse is trying to discover what's clogging the garbage disposal and asks Ug how her toy Gumby got jammed in there. Ug hasn't a clue (of course) and predictably, Joey thanks Jesse for finding his toy. DJ and Kimmy come in, DJ showing off her costume for the school's Christmas pageant. Kimmy has apparently been staying at the Tanner's for the past two days while her house is under repairs. Joey informs her that she can go home, pointing out that she could have actually moved back yesterday but somehow, Mrs. Gibbler forgot to call. J&J are glad to be rid of the Gibbler, and already have her bags packed. UgTot comes running in and throws her arms around Kimmy, begging her to stay one more night. The hell? Kimmy's staying, DJ models her costume which Joey creepily compliments ("If I had a belly that shook like a bowl of jelly, you'd be my kind of woman") and I die a little inside.

Stephanie points out that DJ has a new pimple on her nose and DJ is distraught. Kimmy suggests that DJ switch roles with someone and play Rudolph. Stephanie comments her distress that first there was an earthquake (remember that) and now, Kimmy's staying an extra night. Later that night, Stephanie is awoken by the sounds and vibrations of a garbage truck and panics that it's another earthquake. She shakes DJ awake and DJ and Kimmy tell Stephanie to chill out. Steph goes to Ug's room to make sure she's alright and coerces her into going into Danny's room with her. They climb into bed with Danny.

Kimmy leads DJ down the stairs, because she's sporting the Cousin Itt look with all of her hair brushed forward to cover her face. She even has a pair of sunglasses on top. Joey calls her Benji (I assume he's referring to the courageous and adorable puppy of cinematic fame, which, dumb. Because she totally looks like Cousin Itt) and tells her the zit isn't that bad.

Stephanie comes in, literally clinging to Danny and asking to tag along to work with him and showering him with compliments. Danny says that she has to go to work, but they'll spend time together after work. Joey and Jesse are concerned with Stephanie's sudden increase in fatherly affections and wonder if Danny's noticed how clingy she's being. Danny says there's nothing wrong with a little girl adoring her father and thinks nothing of it.

After school, Stephanie is in a panicked tizzy because Danny isn't home yet. J&J tell her that he's probably stuck in traffic and she yells that they don't know that for sure. Danny comes home, late because of, you guessed it, traffic, and Stephanie hugs him and won't let him go. She wants to play games and accompany him on his business dinner. Danny gently tries to tell her no and Stephanie becomes very upset and cries and begs for him not to leave her. J&J give Danny a total "I told you so" look and finally, Danny gets it. Something's up with Steph.

Up in Danny's room, Danny is playing Barrel of Monkeys with Stephanie and UgTot. To the surprise of no one, Ug is too stupid to grasp the concept of the game, and Danny pulls Stephanie aside for a special one-on-one talk. Danny asks her why she was so upset about him going out, and why she's been clinging to him, and asks if something is bothering her. She insists she's fine and he wonders if that means she won't be spending the night in his room (not like THAT, you pervs!) Stephanie is insistent that nothing is wrong and she returns back to the game.

DJ comes back from the pageant and is relieved to have discovered that everyone has zits. While checking "to see if [her] nose can still stop traffic", she found 10 other girls checking their zits. DJ suggests a game of connect the dots and all the crater faced bitches laughed. DJ says she's okay with having zits, so long as her face clears up before her peers. Jesse congratulates himself on helping DJ through her crisis until Joey reminds him that they didn't actually do anything.

Danny comes down and says that his talk with Stephanie went nowhere and J&J suggest that he bring her to a therapist. Danny is against it because he feels like it's not that serious and bringing her to a stranger shows he can't help his own daughter. Jesse points out that it shows that he loves her enough to get her the help she needs. As a future Mental Health counselor, thanks for the plug, boys!

Danny brings Steph into therapy, and we get a pointless scene of a homely bucktoothed girl, who may or may not be a little slow, telling Stephanie that therapy is fun because you get to miss school. The therapist asks Stephanie to draw a picture of her family and remarks to Danny how verbal she is. Danny babbles on and on about not knowing where she gets it, and the therapist sure as shit knows where it comes from.

While Stephanie draws, Danny dusts the therapist's table and she tells him that we don't always know why we are doing the things we do and asks why he's dusting. Danny confesses that growing up, all the other kids wanted to be astronauts or firemen... he wanted to be a maid. Before the therapist gets to tackle the enigmatic mind of Danny Tanner, Stephanie finishes her drawing. Everything is pretty typical except there's a crack in the house from the earthquake, and Danny is outside the house from the rest of the family because he was late the day of the earthquake. Well, that solves the mystery of Stephanie's clinginess. She was scared that she didn't know where he was.

As a constant neurotic worrier, it's kind of hard for me to snark on Stephanie because I was totally the same way as a kid. To this day, I make my friends call me when they get home safely because otherwise I'll worry. The therapist suggests Danny and Stephanie make a list of ways to help cope with the worry and anxiety of separation and if only therapy was really that simple, and all issues that easily resolved. Notice how we never hear about another earthquake for the duration of the series.

That night the entire family is tucking Stephanie into bed. Danny tells her that if she needs to, her sleeping bag is still in his room. She asks if he's still snoring and Danny says he is, so Stephanie will spend the night in her own room. Jesse laughs about Danny's snoring. The guys remind Steph that they're close by should she need anything and everyone says goodnight. We end with Stephanie asking DJ to untuck her, because she can barely move. I hate when they end episodes on weird unfunny but supposed to be funny bits like that.

The Prodigal Blogger Returns...

2009-07-10T12:41:00.003-04:00

Okay so I've slacked. A lot. Like a Kimmy Gibbler amount of slackery. But I have reasons. Some of them are even decent.

I was fired from my job of 2+ years the day after Christmas. Found a new job despite the economy so whew there. But, money was still tight so I got a second job. Plus, I'm back in school pursuing my Master's, so between work and school, I had little time for blogging.

But, I'm back. I probably won't update with quite the frequency I once had, but I plan on making a conscious effort to try to get back on some sort of regular schedule.

So, if any of you actually still check this thing, thanks. And stay tuned for more Full House-y goodness. There's still many more episodes I've yet to 'cap! (That's short for recap!)

Wishing You and Yours a Very Tanner Christmas!

2008-12-25T10:10:00.005-05:00

Sorry for the use of an Ug picture... and it's one from the books and not the show... but it DOES imply she's having a shitty Christmas, so I felt it was apropos.

If for Christmas you wanted a new blog entry... well, you're screwed. But, feel free to check out Episode 2.9 "Our Very First Christmas Show" to get yourself into the holiday spirit. If you haven't read it, it's new to you!

Oh. My. GOD!!!

2008-12-05T15:18:00.004-05:00

"John Stamos must be hard up for a paycheck, because he's working on a remake of Full House. Candace Cameron Bure, who played DJ Tanner, told OK! Magazine (via SFGate), "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House. I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women.""

This would be like my greatest dream/nightmare come to fruition!!! Can you imagine the snarky goodness that would come from such a colossal trainwreck?!??!

Source.

Also:

1.kimmy gibbler: When you refuse to leave after you have a one night stand, even when they ask you nicely.

"Last night I met some whore at the bar....we came back to my place and she gave me the Kimmy Gibbler....she fucked the hell out of me and then refused to go home when I asked her nicely."

Source.

All this AND my boss is fired for embezzling?! What a crazy weekend!

"I'm guessing you didn't meet him in a library." or DJ's Choice (8.12)

2008-12-03T16:01:00.000-05:00

We open with Steph an DJ in the kitchen and Steph thanks DJ for letting her tag along to street fair. DJ reminds her nachos and tilt-a-whirl don't mix. Steph laments her ruined sweater from the year before and wistfully remembers how much she loved it. Just then, they are joined by Kimmy and Nelson. Stephanie goes up to Nelson and administers a vision test and asks how he, with his trillions of dollars can be dating Kimmy Gibbler. I say, how can he NOT?!!? I love the Gib! Kimmy says she was hoping for more than dating, she was hoping for marriage. Ah, Kimmy, you lovable irreverent gold digger!

DJ tells Nelson and Kimmy that they just need to wait for Viper to arrive before they can leave for the fair. Nelson, obviously still feeling the burn of being rejected by DJ, comments that with a name like Viper, she most likely didn't meet him in the library. DJ quickly changes the subject to the fact that Kimmy is the reigning street fair pie eating champion. She decides she needs to warm up her chops and luckily finds an entire pineapple cheesecake in the Tanners' fridge. She clasps her hands behind her back and dives in. Oo, Danny is NOT going to be pleased about that.

DJ goes into the living room as Viper storms in, ranting and rambling up a storm about how things with DJ are moving too fast for him and freaking him out and he breaks up with her. Just like that. And then he leaves. DJ looks all forlorn as Nelson walks in, raving about Kimmy's pie skills (maybe now that he's seen the Gibbler gobble, he might be reconsidering not dating her?) He cuts himself off when he notices that DJ is visibly upset. She tells him that Viper just broke up with her and she never saw it coming. She says that if this was how bad it hurt Nelson when she broke up with him, then she's sorry. Nelson tells her that eventually the pain goes away... but then is replaced by a big empty hollow feeling. Comforting.

Ugh, and naturally, we need to have the obligatory Ug storyline thrust upon us. Danny and Becky are taking Ug and the BlunderTwins Nicky and Alex to the local playground. My, that trio is quite the goof troop, aren't they? Turns out, the playground has been trashed by some hilariously tame vandals who have graffiti'd such diabolical messages as "SOS", "Crazy" and "JoJaxx." Whoa now, how they gonna bring the JoJaxx into this? This is a FAMILY playground. I feel scandalized. Michelle's painful dramatic acting is showcased as she shows her distress by asking Danny if they can go home.

Back at the house, Danny calls to report the vandalism, but unfortunately, there's a wave of it all over San Francisco, so it might be awhile before they get to this rinky dink playground. Apparently, the crew's still at work removing some "Disco sucks" tags downtown... ah, that joke was probably lost on every child watching this ep. Ug and Jesse have a really disgusting conversation regarding "pumping." She says the twins need to learn to pump, and Jesse reiterates the need for all kids to have a place to learn pumping. They're talking about pumping your legs on a swing, but shortening it to simply "pumping" just screams all kinds of wrong. Ew. The guys and Becky decide that they're going to assemble a group of volunteers to clean up the playground for the kids. How do they have time for this shit? Don't they have jobs?

Nelson and the girls return from the street fair. Kimmy is livid that she was disqualified from the pie eating contest or swallowing a fork. Bwah! I don't really see how that's grounds for a DQ, how does swallowing a fork give her an advantage? If anything, I would have automatically declared her the winner. Again, I am an unabashed and avid Kimmy Gibbler fan fo' life, yo! Stephanie won a goldfish and Nelson apparently had to shell out $700 to win DJ a stupid stuffed monkey. Loser. Listen to that whip crack! Nelson blows more smoke up her ass, saying that Viper's a moron for dumping her. She says he's sweet, he says she's pretty, blah blah blah, and they end up kissing. They're not sure what just happened between then, but Nelson proposes dinner Saturday for them to discuss their status. As Nelson suavely backs away, he trips and falls over a tricycle. Bwah! Best moment of the episode right there.

DJ is prepping for her 3rd consecutive date with Nelson, talking about it with Steph when who should come a-knocking on the door, but Viper. He walks in, all manic and rambling again, that he's been walking around like a madman the past 3 days regretting his decision to break up with her. He offers her a single red rose and begs DJ to take him back. Just then, Nelson comes in with a full bouquet of roses, demanding to know what's going on. Viper says he's there to win DJ back and Nelson reminds her that Viper just broke her heart. DJ looks constipated, and confused, and ultimately leaves with Nelson, leaving Viper fuming with Stephanie standing by awkwardly.

Viper stands there pissed wondering what DJ could possibly see in Nelson. He vows to Stephanie that he won't roll over for Richie Rich. Stephanie's just like "Uhhh, okay dude." Seriously man, take the hint and get to stepping. Later that evening, Nelson is dropping off a clearly distracted DJ off at home. Clearly she's preoccupied about the Nelson v. Viper situation. Nelson kisses her goodnight and she walks in to find Viper, STILL THERE, sitting on the couch with a guitar singing a song he wrote for her. They just let him stay there the whole time? How long has it been? Why didn't they kick his ass out?

The song's pretty tight though, and I would totes cream my jeans for Viper at this point, despite his sorta Jheri curl. They run to each other and kiss and who should walk in at that very moment? Why, none other than Nelson, bearing the bouquet of roses DJ accidentally left behind in his limo. Ouch. DJ quickly breaks away from Viper and tells Nelson that it isn't what it looks like. Nelson awesomely quips, "Thank God. It looks like you were kissing." I know Nelson's kinda dweeby, uber short with a mullet, but damn, he's hilarious.

The guys bicker back and forth. Nelson says Viper's a heartbreaker and Viper retorts that Nelson preyed upon DJ at a weak moment when she was vulnerable. DJ can see the points in both of their arguments, but is still too confuzzled and tells them that she needs time to think.

Ugh, back to our annoying Uggerriffic subplot. The whole fam plus some other extras are all pitching in. Joey grabs a hammer that is quickly snatched away by Jesse. Apparently this hammer has been passed down through his family from generation to generation, and he doesn't want Joey anywhere near it. Danny is wandering around clueless about construction so Jesse acts as foreman. This is all really really boring. Joey is also doing nothing but staring through the liquid part of a level until Jesse hits him in the head with something and tells him to get to work. Joey turns on a power saw, and like who's the fucking genius who thought Joey Gladstone was capable of operating heavy machinery? Naturally he manages to saw through Jesse's family hammer, and zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz...

Danny has assembled a see saw that Kimmy and Steph are testing out. Apparently this teeter totter will teeter, but not totter. Kimmy is on the end of the see saw on the ground, and Steph is hanging in the hair. The whole family joins together to push Steph's side down and when they do they send Kimmy flying into a tree. Although this scene merited a small chuckle from me, I hate how the later seasons of FH relied on lame physical gags like this.

Just when this scene can't get any more tedious, Viper and Nelson arrive to pounce on DJ and demand a decision. Nelson pipes up first that he may lack the talent to write and perform a song to tell DJ how he feels, but he has the cash money money to wire the park to play music and hire Frankie Valli to woo her. He begins a serenade of "You're Just Too Good to be True" and awww, this makes me think of Heath Ledger's uber sexy scene in "10 Things I Hate About You." Sadness. Frankie mistakenly begins serenading Becky, until Nelson redirects him towards DJ. Frankie suavely shoves Viper aside.

Viper criticizes Nelson's need to use his money to woo, and Nelson pretty much calls Viper a scumbag and they continue to bicker until DJ FINALLY speaks up and declares she's not a trophy to be fought over and she hates the pressure they're putting on her. If they're going to force her to make a decision, then DJ is going to Kelly Taylor it up and choose herself.

Look, DJ hates Kelly Taylor's slutty ass just as much as the rest of the world. Actually, this episode aired in January 1995, whereas the infamous Kelly-Brandon-Dylan love triangle and resulting "I Choose Me!" aired in May 1995. Meaning that that skank pilfered the line from our very own DJ Tanner and has been getting credit for it in most pop culture references since then. That bitch. You can see DJ's trying to smile, but her face totally reads, "Bitch stole my line!"

DJ is bummed that she let go of two great guys and talks to Becky about it. Becky says that even though Viper and Nelson may both be good guys, but if one of them was truly the right one for DJ, she would have been able to make the decision easily. She wisely advises her to never settle when it comes to dating and matters of the heart, because one day the right man will come. Becky comments how hers did and the camera pans to Jesse playing with Ug and the twins on the swings, and who else but Ug completely ruins the moment by repeatedly yelling, "Pump! Pump! Pump your legs!" Ew. Thanks for scarring me for life, Ug.

"You know what would drive me really, Really wild?" "Painting sad clowns on my toenails?" or Kissing Cousins (7.18)

2008-11-20T12:18:00.001-05:00

This definitely ranks as one of my top episodes... in fact, one day I'll get around to listing my top ten FH episodes of all time. Or maybe make a poll out of it.

We begin with Danny practicing the moves he's learned from his new self-defense class. He urges Joey to come at him with a banana gun so that he can practice his disarm/disable maneuver. He ends up smashing the banana on Joey. Just then Uncle Jesse arrives back home from Greece. He flew over there for Papouli's funeral and remarks that it was a wonderful celebration of his life. To top things off, Jesse has returned with a surprise for the family.

It's Cousin Stavros! AKA John Stamos at his most hilarious.

It's time to play hug the cousin. Stephanie and DJ remark that Stavros and Jesse look so much alike that they are definitely related. Stavros scoffs citing that his nose is that "of Greek God. That is nose of cock-a-poo." Stavros says he's got to go check into a seedy motel, and Danny insists that Stavros stay with them at Casa de Tanner, ole! Becky comes in with the kids to greet the returning Jesse, and the boys mistakenly run to Stavros and call him Daddy. Stavros comments that the boys get their looks from their beautiful mother. Becky is at first flattered, then wary, "Why thank you.... who are you?" Jesse explains that when he was 11 and spent the summer in Greece, his cousin Stavros took him in and taught him everything he knows about the birds and the bees, etc. Stavros pipes in that it was actually goats and weasels, and Becky's response? "Goats and weasels? That explains a lot." Dirty! And ew. That sounds like some freaky boudoir behavior.

The next afternoon, Stephanie and Ug come in from taking Stavros sight-seeing around San Fran. Danny asks where they go, expecting to hear them say something like the Golden Gate bridge, and Steph reveals Stavros brought them to the racetrack. Ug whines that she learned to not bet all her tooth fairy money on a horse named Long Shot. File this one under: No shit, Ug. Stavros says he parked Danny's car in front of the little rocket ship out front where dogs go pee pee. After a few seconds of processing, Danny realizes he means his car's in front of a hydrant and rushes out to try to avoid a ticket. For some reason, Joey's sitting down to play cards with himself at the kitchen table and invited Stavros to play a game of Gin. Stavros feigns ignorance about the rules of the game, but ends up hustling Joey out of $20 and his watch, calling it a "friendly game."

The doorbell rings and DJ, Kimmy and Steve answer. It's the pizza delivery guy and Stavros comes in and says he ordered lunch for everyone. They thank him until he grabs the pizza without paying. Claiming he has yet to convert his drachma into US currency, Stavros asks DJ to "be gemstone" and pick up the $20 pizza tab. She does, but is cleaned out and asks if anyone else can get the tip. Kimmy steps in and tells the pizza boy that if you tickler her with a feather duster, she purrs like Catwoman. Eep. The pizza boy is similarly skeeved out. Anywhore, who the hell charges $20 for a small pizza?! What a rip-off! Stavros opens the box and unleashes the unholy smell of lamb guts and double feta cheese on the unsuspecting teens. Where the hell do you find a place that will put lamb guts on a pizza? That sort of accounts for the steep price though... Steve and Kimmy rush out the door citing that Steve's about to hurl.

Just then, Becky comes in from the gym sporting some brightly colored spandex and catches the eye of Stavros. He mutters, "That is HOT," but not quietly enough as Becky totally hears him. She asks him what he said, and Stavros claims he was talking about the cheese on the pizza and says it's so hot, "It's dang near bubbling." Becky uncomfortably cautions him to not burn his mouth and moves into the kitchen with Stavros in hot pursuit. She's got a carrot in hand and he says "Beautiful." Becky awesomely plays this off with "It's just a carrot. He comments on her pleasant aroma and she says that she rubbed some Ben Gay on before leaving the gym. "This Ben, lucky guy." Stavros also adds that she smells "popping fresh" and I mean it, Stamos KILLS it in this episode. Stavros goes in for a sniff and Becky threatens him back off of her with the carrot. Stavros blames it on his nose and lightly raps his shnozz saying, "Bad nose. Bad nose." Becky is understandably creeped out.

The family meets in the living room where they all discuss their experiences with Stavros and determine that he's a conman. Jesse comes in and can't believe what they're saying. He was thinking of asking Stavros to stay longer because he's like a brother to him. Stavros overhears their griping and comes in and apologizes, and returns the money and items he took. He tells them that he has to return to Greece because there was a mudslide that wiped out his entire village. Stavros laments, "If only there was a way to raise funds..." Stephanie suggests a fundraiser. DJ goes one further and says her school did a Dance-a-thon and it made a shit ton of money.

It's Dance-a-thon time. Somehow Steph got roped into dancing with Ug, and by dancing with, I mean, Ug's standing on top of Stephanie's feet, weighing her down. Stavros walks in and promptly removes his plaid sportscoat and awesomely drops it on Michelle's head, temporarily sparing the viewing audience from looking at her ugly mug. And for that I say, Thank you, Stavros. The girls find a one way ticket to Orlando in Stavros' coat pocket and go to DJ, who brings it to Becky. They figure out that the mudslide was another one of his scams, and that by this time tomorrow "Stavros will be cruising the Magic Kingdom trying to get Tinkerbell's number." Rather than tell Jesse, Becky says they have to catch Stavros in the act and prove he's a slimeball.

Becky lures Stavros into some back dressing room and plants a microphone in a bouquet of flowers for her one woman sting operation and puts the seduction on him. Again, another brilliant exchange ensues:
Becky: Let me be Frank...
Stavros: Can I still be Stavros?
B: Last night, I couldn't take my eyes off of you while you ate Spaghettios with your fingers.
S: Spoons are for wimps!

Becky says she wants to run away with Stavros to the kind of place you go to after you win the Superbowl. Stavros is elated and declares it must be Fate "with a big 'F' and a little 'ate'" as he's already booked a ticket to Orlando! He goes in for the smooch and Becky says that she has the feeling they're about to be interrupted any minute. Just then there's a knock at the door, "Man, did I call that?" Unfortunately for Becky it's not Jesse in a jealous rage, but instead UgSnot who snottily tells her she forgot to turn the microphone on. Becky distracts Stavros by telling him his loafers are untied and clicks the microphone on. She convinces Stavros to tell her his plan one more time to really get her blood pumping. Stavros replies, "Ohhh so that's what floats your tuna boat." Is that some sort of Greek sexual slang? He repeats his dastardly scheme, how he fabricated the whole mudslide story and plans to sneak off to Florida, then asks why Becky keeps shoving the bouquet in his face. She replies, "So everyone can hear you!" He discovers he's been set up "A meecrophone!" and tries to make a break for it. He grabs the money, but is stopped by Danny doing some martial arts (nice revisit to the opening segment) and is finally subdued by Danny and Joey.

Jesse tells them to let Stavros go, but not before chastising him with the mother of all guilt trips. He says that Stavros was like a brother to him and asks how he could betray him like this. Stavros' excuse is that he was jealous of Jesse and his wonderful life in America. He sends him packing and apologizes to the crowd, offering to return their money. DJ pipes up that they could donate the funds to another worth cause, like the Children's Hospital. The crowd cheers their approval and the dancing resumes. Man, I wish they could have had Stavros make one more appearance before the show's run ended. Wasted opportunity there.

"I'm too dumb to be scared." or Love on the Rocks (7.19)

2008-11-19T13:32:00.002-05:00

Danny is cleaning up a storm in his living room, dusting and pledging and goes so far as to dust his can of Pledge. His obsessive compulsiveness is interrupted by the arrival of Kimmy and her new beau, "Keanu" as she greets him with the most awesome epithet yet, "T-Bag." Heh, surprised that one slipped by the censors. Keanu reveals that his real name is John, but Kimmy prefers to call him Keanu. Danny says his name's not really T-Bag, but Kimmy's just an idiot. DJ and Steve are scrutinizing the movie they just saw, some fictional installment of the Ernest movies, and Kimmy and Keanu are shocked that they actually watched the movie as they just made out the entire time. They call Steve and DJ boring and leave them to sit and be boring. Steve reveals to DJ that his film class professor chose him to go on a class trip to LA because of his critical eye. DJ is bummed because his trip falls over her school break and she was hoping they could spend the time together.

The next morning, the entire family is dragging ass in the kitchen, wondering why they're all so tired. Joey comes in chipper and spouting off "Top o' the mornin' to ya,!" like some deranged leprechaun. Then Becky comes in and says that on her drive to the health club, the radio said it was only 5am. Joey cackles and yells, "April Fool's!" He turned back everyone's clocks and watches in the house. It's not even April, but Joey can never fool them on the actual day, so he decided to strike prematurely. There are a lot of instances on this show where I would kill Joey, but for tampering with my sleep I would literally MURDER his ass.

Later, Kimmy and Keanu try to urge DJ to come to a party with them. But she declines, citing that she promised she'd watch the twins that night and besides, Steve was due to call her from LA that night. DJ's playing with Nicky and Alex and their farm toys and is making some killer goat sounds. Steve calls and she says "Helloooo?" with a bleating goat inflection. Ha. Not really though. Steve's calling from a posh restaurant in Beverly Hills, gushing about the celebrities he's met (like Tom Cruise's dental hygienist (ah, the days where Tom Cruise wasn't a loony parody of himself)), when he's tapped on the shoulder by the uber rude Suzanne Somers. Her bitchy ass asks to use the pay phone because her flip phone died. And rather than be polite and let him use the phone for the all of 5-10 minutes he paid for, her twatty self feels the need to interrupt. She's actually not a bitch in how she asks, but I think the fact that she interrupts to ask at all is bitchy in itself, if that makes any sense. Plus, I hate Suzanne Somers. Steve freaks out, star struck and promptly hangs up on DJ. Miffed that she waited around all night for that pathetic conversation, DJ vows to go out and have fun... starting tomorrow.

The next day, DJ goes hiking up Eagle Mountain with Kimmy & Keanu. DJ is getting freaked out by the heights and asks Kimmy if she's also scared. Kimmy awesomely replies "I'm too dumb to be scared." As she admires Keanu's tush while he climbs to the next level, she nearly falls off the side of the mountain until DJ pulls her back. Kimmy is unfazed by her near brush with death and simply remarks "What a way to go." DJ is too scared and doesn't want to move from the ledge and Kimmy tells her to sack up and face her fears. She does and feels a great sense of empowerment from climbing the mountain.

Later in the week, DJ comes in from being out with Steph and Michelle and sees an irritated Steve sitting at the kitchen table. Apparently he'd been there for 3 hours, waiting. DJ forgot that this was the day he returned home from LA, and Steve gets all assy about how obviously she didn't miss him all that much if his return slipped her mind. And while Steve's being a bit bratty, especially given his phone manners (did he even try to call another time while in LA?), I can't imagine forgetting when a significant other returns from vacation. DJ just says that she's kept pretty busy this week and got her dates crossed. She also mentions the Suzanne Somers incident and Steve accuses her of being jealous of him and Suzanne. That's the last straw for DJ who tells Steve to go home. He says fine, but that he's not going because she said to. He's going because his mother told him not to be late for dinner "and I don't intend to."

The family gathers in the living room to pull their April Fool's joke on Joey. They recorded an earlier lottery drawing and purchased a ticket with those exact numbers and switched that ticket with the one Joey bought. They think they've convinced him he's won and then accidentally toss the ticket in the fireplace. When they reveal the April Fool's joke, he says there was no tape in the VCR, because he took it out to clean it earlier, and then the entire family freaks out and tries to retrieve the ticket from the fire. Joey then calls "April Fool's" on their asses, and this is way too much April Foolery for not even fucking April. Turns out UgSnot labelled the tape in question "Joke on Joey." This is why you don't let fugly little trolls handle even the most menial task, as they always will find a way to fuck things up. Thankfully, the family had a backup plan. As Joey tells them they'll never be able to prank him, he walks through the kitchen door and has a bucket of water dropped on his head. Awesome. I love Joey getting his comeuppance.

In the middle of the night, Danny goes down into the kitchen to find DJ sitting there, unable to sleep. She tells him about her fight with Steve and how she feels like they're no longer on the same wavelength. Danny says that sometimes people start to grow apart and she asks if that's how he felt when him and Vicky broke up. He says it was, and that they need to talk about it. DJ thanks him for the Dad talk and says that they're a lot more enjoyable when she's not in trouble.

The next day, DJ bring Steve to Eagle Mountain to see if he feels the same empowering clarity she felt. All Steve feels like is eating a Chili Dog. DJ sadly tells Steve that it feels like something is missing from their relationship, like someone let all of the air out of it. She says that the heat and connection between them is disappearing, and Steve says that they still have fun together. She says that what he's describing is a friendship, and there's no more romance. She says they'll always be best friends, which pleases Steve as she's the best friend he's ever had.

They break up and DJ asks what do they do now? Steve says they head down the mountain to face the world. DJ hangs back for a minute, and tells Steve she'll be okay, and then looks out into the wide yonder and repeats to herself "I'll be okay." Cheeeeeeeese! Bye Steve! I'll miss your human garbage disposal ass!

"Well, usually that's my idea of a Happy Meal..." or The Perfect Couple (7.13)

2008-11-17T17:00:00.003-05:00

No, you're eyes aren't playing tricks on you. It is I, actually updating my blog. I don't have a good reason for neglecting it for so long, but I'm updating now, so yay!

We open with another one of Vicky's weekend visits is coming to an end and as she's leaving, her and Danny keep kissing. Ew. Not sexy. Never fear though, she'll be back next weekend to visit again.

Danny glumly goes into the kitchen and tells Joey that the distance and living visit to visit with Vicky is killing him and that he wants to settle down and begin their life together. Joey, always the sympathetic ear, jokes that he's not ready for that level of commitment, to which I reply, then maybe you should finally move out of his house after 7 fucking years, Gladstone. Danny vows to sit Vicky down during her visit next weekend and set a date for the wedding since they've now been engaged for 6 months.

Joey begins blowing smoke up Danny's ass and complimenting him and builds Danny and Vicky up as the perfect couple and segues into asking him to participate on his new gig, the trial run episode of a game show he's hosting, coincidentally entitled "The Perfect Couple." DJ and Steve are also going to take part as the dating couple and Jesse and Rebecca are going to be the married couple.

Jesse is less than thrilled about being on the show, but Becky thinks it will be fun. He claims he is an enigma and she reveals that she essentially knows everything about him. A few of the Jesse Katsopolis fun facts she reveals: for Christmas he wants the pepper grinder to complete his Elvis kitchen set, his favorite midnight snack is chicken (as he often returns to bed "smelling like the Colonel"), When he gets angry he goes to tune up his Harley. Jesse is miffed that he's so predictable and stomps off in a huff.

Steve comes in to see DJ, excited to be on "The Perfect Couple" which will henceforth be shortened to TPC because I'm lazy. He reveals he's planning on wearing his lucky ring from his Uncle Artie, who also taught him how to juggle... all facts DJ was unaware of up until this moment. DJ panics that she doesn't know anything about Steve and questions what the relationship is based on. Kimmy replies, "You're cute. He has a car. What more is there to know?" Bwah! Score one for the Gibbler. Steve doesn't get why DJ's freaking out, because they love each other, and isn't that enough to build a relationship off of? Remember this when the end of the episode rolls around.

Steph is baby-sitting Nicky and Alex and asserting her authoritay, Eric Cartman style. Stephanie asks them to put on their pajamas and they refuse and start running amok all over the house. Obvs we have UgSnot lurking around to offer her bratty commentary of the situation. Poor Stephanie, can you imagine being left on your own with those 3 demon spawn?

Meanwhile on the set of TPC, the couples nervously prepare for the show. Becky tells Jesse to drink some water because she knows how his throat gets dry when he's nervous. Jesse tries to insist that's untrue, but as he does, his voice catches in his extremely dry throat. For those playing along at home the score reads, Becky: 982354892102, Jesse: 0. Every couple is nervous, that is, except for Danny and Vicky, who's running late. The show's producer has his assistant Estelle step in for Vicky. Estelle is a short stout curmudgeonly old woman sporting a page boy haircut. Cue Joey sporting a ridiculous wig, capped teeth, affected voice and the pseudonym, Joe Stone.

Danny is miffed that he has to participate in the game show with a complete stranger, wondering what Estelle could possibly know about him. She immediately and smartly snaps back, "I know you're a whiner." Bwah! Score one for the stout troll! DJ is equally unenthusiastic, saying theres no point in playing the game because her and Steve are practically strangers. They bicker back and forth and Joey tries to smooth things over, until the producer pulls him aside and tells him the goal of the show is to embarass the couples and instigate arguments.

Joey tries to fan the flames, but DJ has simmered down and exasperatedly asks for Joey to just ask the first question. He obliges and asks Steve: "Which fish does DJ think you would say she kisses like?" Steve incorrectly guesses flounder. Oh snap! DJ's actual answer is that she hopes he'd say angel fish. Steve plays this off awesomely saying, "Oh! Tropical fish are allowed?" Joe Stone pipes in, "Looks like this relationship is floundering!"

Moving on to the old married couple, Joey asks Jesse what Rebecca would say is his obsession. He says that it WAS his hair, but now he has a brand new obsession: proving to Becky that he is unpredictable. She nails it, practically word for word, much to the chagrin of Jesse.

Joe Stone moves onto our "engaged" couple prompting Danny to yelp, "We're not engaged!" He asks what song would Danny most like to hear at their wedding? Estelle rationalizes that because Danny is so high strung and sensitive, like her third husband Bernie, that it would be "Love Will Keep Us Together" which was Bernie's favorite song. Turns out that's Danny and Vicki's song. Again, please note this for later in the episode. Man, re-watching, the anvils, they are a-dropping.

Steph chases the twins all around the house. I beat my head against the wall as Ug steps in to save the day. Turns out that Steph had the colors of the boys' pajamas switched. You know, I liked this story line a lot better when it was Steph bailing out an incompetent Kimmy who was baby-sitting the twins. Trying to recycle an old plot and replacing Stephanie with Ug is a major DOWNGRADE. Because the writers hate us so much, they have Steph beg the wise Michelle for help because she's just so wonderful. The power hungry little Trollsen is energized by her sudden surge of authority and becomes all militant, barking orders at the boys. Oh, how I would have loved them to stage a revolt against the tyrannical UgSnot.

Back at TPC, Estelle is in the process of correctly identifying Danny's recurring nightmare as him being naked on a Stairmaster(TM). Yeesh, sounds like my nightmare... Bob Saget naked anywhere! I keed I keed, he's a sexy piece.

Becky says that she's tired of upsetting Jesse by proving his predictability, so she opts to pass rather than risk once again matching Jesse's answer. Jesse pleads with her to say something, and when they roll the video, we see Jesse saying "Let's see her try and match this: I pass!" Exasperated, Jesse says he gives up, and there's no way to surprise her. Becky says he should look at it as a positive thing that they know each other so well, as it's an integral part of being a loving married couple. They tell Joey to back off.

DJ shmoopily hopes to one day know as much about Steve as Becky and Jesse know about each other. Steve says that every day with her is like Christmas because each new thing he learns about her is like unwrapping a present. Joe Stone comments on the cheesiness of this statement, and DJ says that it's so sweet. They kiss and say eff TPC and go off to "learn" things about each other, wink wink.

Estelle and Danny end up being the Perfect Couple and win a trip to Cabo San Lucas! Sweet! Joey gets the job as the producer cites if he can be this vicious with his own family, imagine the havoc Joey can wreak on strangers! Joey says thanks but no thanks, and turns in his capped teeth and doofy wig.

Vicky rushes in, and way to miss the party there, Vic. She was late because she was in a meeting with the head of the network. Which network? Who knows? Better yet, who cares? She's been offered a job to anchor the network news... in New York. Danny is obviously saddened by the news. Vicky tries to put a positive spin on things, saying that they'll pretty much be the same as how they have been, only with her stationed in New York rather than Chicago. Danny laments that he doesn't want things to stay the same, he wants things to get better and closer. He tells her that he wanted to sit down and set a date for the wedding. Vicky tries to stay upbeat, and says they just need to wait a little longer. Danny sadly replies that he can't do that, because it hurts too much. Aww is anyone else's heart breaking? Just a little bit? Vicky unrealistically suggests that Danny moves to NY. He tells her that he can't uproot his entire family and that everyone he cares about is on the west coast... that is, everyone but Vicky. Vicky says she can't give up her dream and Danny says he can't ask her to give up her dream, so he'll give up his. They break up and admit that love isn't enough. Thud. There's that anvil that's been falling all episode long.

Damn, teary-eyed Bob Saget is really tugging at my heartstrings.

Back at the house, Danny is sitting alone by the fire as Christmas carols play. Shit, it's fucking Christmastime and he just broke off his engagement? Poor Danny! The girls come in and try to cheer Danny up. Well, DJ and Stephanie do. All Ug does is offer him a tuna melt. DJ and Steph tell him that they'll miss Vicky too, but also say they've been getting along fine without a mother thus far and even though it hurts, they still have each other. The brokenhearted father embraces his three daughters over the swelling music of "The First Noel" in the background.

There, now I've gotten everyone in the holiday spirit. I'll try to be much better with updates in the future. Promise!

"At the end of the second period, the score's 4-4..." "That's a tie!" or Nice Guys Finish First (6.9)

2008-09-29T22:06:00.000-04:00

Tee hee, this episode is #9 in Season 6, making it's call number 6.9. Tee hee. Yes, I'm twelve.

DJ's finally starting driving lessons around the block with Danny. They return to the house and he's visibly shaken. When my Dad did driving lessons with me, his rage left me shaken. God, I hated learning to drive with my Dad. UgTwat being the little idiot that she is, is freaking out scared of the Norwegian Goat Boy. It's piss-poor story lines like this that show how far the writers would go to center an episode around Michelle. I mean, seriously? Norwegian Goat Boy?

Becky comes in with the twins to listen to Jesse and Joey's radio show... like they actually give a fuck. The Rush Hour Renegades and the radio station are giving away ice to callers in honor of the fact that Joey is playing in a charity hockey game. Their guest this afternoon is Hershel Binkley, the opposing goalie of the other team. Turns out that ol' Hershel is a familiar face from Joey's past. He pulls out a chintzy plastic hockey goalie's mask that has a red brick pattern painted on it. Back when they knew one another, Hershel went by the moniker of "Stonewall" and he was Joey's rival when he played hockey in college because he apparently stopped Joey's potential game-winning goal. And like seriously? First, isn't stopping pucks sort of part of a goalie's job? I don't see how that's some great embarrassment for Joey. Second, how old is this guy that he's still desperately clinging to this moment? Thirdly, with a name like Hershel, is he really one to make fun of anyone? And lastly, I really hate this massive tool because he's making me defend Joey. I need to pump some "You Oughta Know" and take a scalding hot shower to wash away my shame.

Um anyway, Joey acts like a total pussy and backs down from all of Stonewall's jaw-jacking. Jesse tries to come to his defense, but Stonewall leaves all smug and triumphant. Again, this guy is like mondo pathetic. I can't stand those jockstrap types who can't let go of their glory days. Later, the family all goes ice skating together and we learn that Danny's practically a professional figure skater. His stunt double launches into a fancy jump, and Danny sheepisly claims he's a little rusty citing "I hardly got any height on that double axle." And this is why I love Danny Tanner, he got a bad rap as a total uptight toolbag, but he's got some great one-liners. And a secret past as a figure skater? Brilliant! The family all joins hands to play "Crack the Whip" and it's at this point that I wonder, who the hell is watching Nicky and Alex? Better question, why do I care? Jesse is less than skilled on his skates and goes flying off the end of the line and into the wall of the rink. Bwah!

Who should interrupt this happy family moment than friggin' Stonewall. He begins chastising Joey again, and Danny reads my mind and asks Stonewall "Is your life so pathetic and empty that you need to live in the past?" To his credit, Stonewall actually answers "Well... yes." Joey finally tires of all the teasing and breaks his stick over his knee. Michelle looks scared, I laugh. I sure hope that wasn't Joey's only hockey stick.

Danny is prepping DJ for her first time on the free way. He asks her to define the lanes and she does as such: The left lane is "the entirely too fast lane", the second lane is "the still entirely too fast lane" and the right lane is "for geeks and nerds." Heh. True dat. Danny is less than pleased with her assessment, and DJ assures him that she is happy to be a geek and nerd, and to drive in the slow lane so long as it allows her to drive outside of their neighborhood. Michelle, meanwhile, is still pissing and moaning about the freaking Goat Boy! Seriously writers, give it up! Stop trying to thrust Ug into the spotlight of every episode, it's just non sequitur at this point! My favorite obnoxious neighbor and yours, Kimmy Gibbler stops by not only to fan the flames of Ug's idiotic fears, but also tacks on the tale of the Muttman. Although I loathe the attention being wasted on Michelle, I must say that at least she's being tortured, so it makes it a little more tolerable. Christ, now she's whining about being afraid of Joey as he's getting all pumped up for the game. He promises to not be scary and God, I am SO over this catering to a 6 year old.

Finally it's time for the charity Hockey game. The play by play is being broadcast on the guys' radio station with the painful commentary of the anti-jock, Jesse Katsopolis. He hasn't the slightest grasp on the rules of hockey and his play-by-play is hilarious but quite uninformative. The game's getting rough and Joey goes to punch Stonewall in his porky mouth, but then looks at UgTwat making her "I just smelled a turd" face which is supposed to convey fear, and he releases his grip and skates away. Jesse totally calls him out on his pussiness. At this point, Becky thankfully steps in to take over the commentary. She grew up with a lot of brothers and knows her shit. The buzzer goes off and a mystified Jesse asks "Did someone pull the fire alarm?" Haha, Jesse's ignorance is cracking me up. At this point, Michelle has the balls to tell Joey he's playing like a weenie, and he says he won't play like a meanie, but is it okay if he plays like an in-betweenie. I shit you not, this grown ass man is lowering himself to bargaining with a 6 year old about how aggressively he can play a hockey game using the most ridiculous rhyming lingo that's making my ears bleed and soul die. If I roll my eyes any harder, I might strain something and need to up my contact lens prescription.

So Joey's now playing in in-betweenie mode and Becky notes that somebody lit a fire under Joey's ass, but in more PG rated terminology. Time's running out and Joey is on a breakaway, but someone on the opposing team hooks his skates and pulls him down. Time expires and Jesse thinks the game's over, but Becky corrects him that Joey is entitled to a penalty shot. Becky over-dramatics, "It all comes down to this." Jesse, not wanting to be left out adds on, "This... is what it all comes down to." Bwah! Joey takes the shot and naturally makes it. Becky screams "Do you believe in miracles?" Um, I don't really think Joey's winning goal in some podunk charity game really compares to the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team's triumph over the Soviet Union, but to each their own. Stonewall looks utterly dejected and you just know that that pathetic loser went home and killed himself. He probably sliced his wrists open on his skates because his non-professional hockey career was the only thing he had going for him in his miserable life.

Joey celebrates by skating around the ice with Michelle hoisted on his shoulders. Ew, I won't even comment about him having Ug's twat rubbing all up on the back of his neck. Nasty. Man, I don't even know why I chose to recap this episode. It was completely focused on Joey and Michelle, the two most loathsome characters, and it brought out a lot of hostility in me. Next time, I'll do a more fun, fluffier episode that generates less hateful snark.

"Look Joey we caught our first fish, a big-mouth Gibbler" or The Last Dance (7.17)

2008-09-24T01:26:00.006-04:00

Holy hell the Milkman has been resurrected from her dormant state. I truly apologize to all of my faithful readers who may have been constantly checking for new updates and were inevitably disappointed each and ever time. I deeply apologize for my unscheduled hiatus, let's just say there was a lot of personal drama, heartache, mean girls, problems at the office and just a whole bunch of shit that compiled together and dropped me into a blogless funk. But, I just ate a shit ton of the new kickass Volcano Tacos(c) from Taco bell and polished off my 2 liter of Coke, so I'm all wired and ready to mock the hell out of a certain fug troll known as Michelle Tanner. Ironically enough, I'm making my return with one of the most legitimately sad episodes, but rest assure, the shitty acting of the Olsen twins results in much mockery. This is also my first recap from Season 7... expect lots of anecdotal segues.

The family is in the kitchen stuffing grape leaves in preparation for the arrival of Grandpa "Papouli" Katsopolis. I do love any episode about the Greeks as the traditions they reference bring back memories of my childhood. For instance, the stuffed grape leaves, which subsequently I hated. I'd probably like them a lot more now if I tried them as in more recent years I've become a lot more adventurous in what I put in my mouth (yes, that sounds dirty, but I'll allow it), but I don't have the most pleasant memories of eating them as a youngun. DJ's on her way to the mall to buy the coolest pair of sunglasses. She begins describing them,

just as Kimmy comes in wearing the same exact pair! Oh snap! This results in a little tiff as DJ's pissed because apparently she called "dibs" on them. Hey, you snooze you lose, Deej. I was shopping with my friends for a Playboy mansion themed party a few weeks back and my friend who's about 30lbs heavier than I am picked up a corset I'd already tried on and decided to buy and demanded that I put it back because she wanted it. I'm a stubborn asshole, so I said hell to the no, and bought that bitch. Besides, it wouldn't have fit her anyway. Not being mean, it's just totally true.

Jesse comes home with Papouli and Papouli has the damndest time identifying his great granddaughters. He guesses them all wrong, and when they correct him cheerfully replies "Of course you are!" It's pretty cute, I love the old guy playing Papouli. UgTwat is extremely rude and disrespectful making comments such as "You have no idea who any of us are!" and when Papouli says "Who could forget Rebecca?" she snots, "I bet you could." Like seriously? I know it's supposed to be "funny" but who the fuck was ever allowed to speak to their elders like that? So he can't remember their names, he's met them what? Twice? I so wanted someone to smack Michelle down or scold her for speaking to Papouli like that, but of course, no one does. Unfuckingbelievable.

More Greek food name-dropping, this time Moussaka! Mmm, I haven't have Moussaka in so long, I should ask my mom to make some. But, I'd probably be better off going to the Greek Cafe downtown. My mom's kind of out of practice with executing Greek recipes. DJ whines about her feud with Kimmy and Papouli tries to tell her a Greek fable and she pretty much blows him off. Where did these girls learn their manners? Fucking A! Papouli and the girls appear to be moving a lot of flour around on the kitchen table, perhaps in preparation to make some Kourabiedes (which, btw, I spelt right without aid of a dictionary, (insert self-congratulatory pat on back of shoulder))? Papouli wipes flour on their noses and cheeks and this launches a full-on flour fight. They yell "Opa!" and I can't help but notice that my, that's an awful lot of flour they got there. Jesse comes down and acts like a stiff and comments that they're making a mess, but he eventually loosens up and joins the fun.

In the living room, Papouli is teaching Ug how to dance. He tries to get Jesse to, but again he acts like a poop and says that someone has to clean up the mess in the kitchen. He claims he doesn't dance to which Papouli replies, "If you're Greek, you dance." To which I reply, only when I'm hammered or I don't think anyone is watching. But allow me to reference Jesse's future attempt at dancing in a genie themed rap video for "Forever" and say that the Jess man is seriously lacking in the rhythm department. Papouli's pretty much the cutest thing ever, teaching them a lesson about Greek pride and explaining that the reason they dance is because they can't contain their happiness. Ug asks Papouli if he'll come with her to show and tell to teach her class the Greek dance (they literally refer to it as "The Greek Dance") and he agrees and she says "I love you, Papouli." Oh sure, you sass him all day for his poor memory and then when he agrees to do something for you, you love him. What a little shitkicker.

As we transition overnight, the background music becomes a sad Greek instrumental. We see the entire family gathered around the kitchen table the next day, all somber with red, teary eyes. Ruh roh. I remember watching a rerun of this episode in college with my hardcore/goth/industrial/hardass roommate, and at this point she became all verklempt and tearful. It's hard for me to snark on any of them because they're really selling the sadness. Especially Jesse who says he feels helpless and guilty... he must be reaching back to his days as Blackie Parrish on "General Hospital." Jesse fights through the pain and tears and refuses to let the rest of the family help him make any funeral arrangements. Just then, Ug comes home all smiley and hideous from her Honeybee meeting. Because her head's so far up her ass, she fails to immediately notice that the family's all dressed in black and on the verge of tears. Finally she surmises "Something's wrong..." Uhhh, ya think? Seriously, is she the world's biggest idiot or what? Don't answer that, I think we all know that's the case.

Danny gently informs her that Papouli died in his sleep the night before and with absolutely zero emotion or inflection, Ug deadpans "What?" and continues in her monotone "No. He's not dead." I shit you not, the flatness with which she delivers the lines is completely laughable and ridiculous. It completely takes you out of the scene. Why didn't they have an acting coach work with those trolls to invoke some semblance of emotion. Gaaa this shit is painful. Michelle then takes the fug craft she made at her Honeybee meeting for Papouli and smashes it on the ground. Ohhh...kay. Man, she's a little shit.

Up in their shared room, Stephanie goes to talk to Ug and emphasizes the importance of staying strong for Uncle Jesse. She says they can't let him see them cry and advises her that whenever she feels sad to imagine Joey stuffing an entire donut in his mouth. Methinks that would make me sadder. Just then, Jesse comes in to check on the girls and Ug has this psychotic fake smile plastered on her face. My, she's a little freak.

The next day, Danny tells Jesse that Papouli's death made him realize how short and precious life is, so he went out and bought a boat which he named Papouli. They have a really manly brotherly embrace, and my heartstrings, they are being a-tugged. Jesse fights back the tears, and I wish to God this show had some continuity and that we ever saw this boat again. On a random shallow note, Stephanie has been sporting some truly awful and horrendous braids all episode. The braids are too far forward, as in they are braided over her ears and with Jodi Sweetin's awkward tween features it's... not a good look. I'll just chalk it up to this being her "mourning hair."

Kimmy comes over to offer her condolences to DJ and Deej finally realizes the point of Papouli's story and there are apologies all around. Hooray! Friends again. Those sunglasses were fug anyway, ladies!

Jesse, meanwhile, receives a phone call from Michelle's school because apparently the little troll never showed up to school. As if Jesse doesn't have enough on his plate to worry about, he has a mild panic attack wondering where the little fugnasty went. He sees her hiding in the boat and catches her by her grubby little hand by leaving out a chocolate pudding lure. Jesse and Michelle talk and she says that if she acts sad and cries, then she can't be strong for Jesse. He asks where she got the idea that she needed to be strong from, and she totally throws Steph under the bus. Jesse says that what Stephanie told her was wrong and that he'll "have a talk with her about it." Way to go, UgTwat.

Michelle whines that Papouli was supposed to come with her to school that day to teach the dance to her class and she was afraid that if she went and he wasn't there, she'd be sad. Jesse tells Ug that she should always show her feelings and Michelle's all "I loved Papouli. I was his Little Michelle." Jesse replies, "I was his Little Jesse." The undertones of that which I read are "I was really his favorite as he knew me way longer and actually could put a name to my face, so back the fuck up on this sadness because this is MY bag, troll!" And like seriously, this was the second time she ever met him. Get over it, Michelle. Attention whoring little shit. Jesse is much bigger than I am and says that it's okay to be sad and Ug asks, "Uncle Jesse, is it okay to cry?" Oh my GOD, the acting by whatever Olsen this is in this scene is KILLING ME. I am now deader than Papouli after being subjected to this drivel. Why couldn't they have done these scenes with Stephanie? He says "You bet" and they cry and hug and I die a little more inside.

Jesse brings Michelle to school and drops her off. She attempts to show her class the Greek dance, but only remembers the first step. Seriously? God she sucks at all aspects of life. Luckily, sexy brooding Uncle Jesse was still lurking nearby, and he comes in and saves the day and they Greek dance their pants off.

This episode is actually pretty good, and the entire family besides Michelle is really great and convincing in their grief, so I wish they'd gone a different route than the typical UgCentric episode. Apologies again to all the readers (that is, if you all didn't abandon ship during the lengthy hiatus)- I promise to be better in the future.

"Do I have the biggest part?" "No... but you have the biggest mouth." or The Play's the Thing (6.8)

2008-08-26T14:53:00.000-04:00

Stephanie and Ug come in all melancholic because the school is planning to cancel the first grade play "America the Beautiful" because there's no parent volunteer to coordinate and run things. Stephanie's bummed because she was supposed to be the choreographer for the show, and Ug is upset because without this play, she's robbed of yet another chance to make herself the center of attention. Danny's all set to step in, but unfortunately his work schedule makes it impossible for him to do so. Along with the girls, he manages to instead rope Jesse and Joey into taking the reigns.

Becky's running around like a maniac because she has a million things to do and is bogged down with her demon twins. Danny offers to watch the boys while she runs her errands and shops. She comes back with some dinky model trains for Nicky and Alex, but is dismayed when she sees that Danny beat her to the punch and already purchased two bigger and better trains, I'm talking these are ones you can ride. Danny makes a tunnel between his legs, and I must say there is something really uncomfortable about watching these young boys in such close proximity to Danny's crotch. Becky's obviously starting to get jealous of Danny's time with the boys and his far superior presents. Shut up, Becky.

Up in the girls' room, Steph is helping UgSnot rehearse "Yankee Doodle." And words can't even do justice to how horrific a Yankee Doodle Ug is. She is completely tone deaf, without any sense of rhythm and the hideous troll face makes blood stream out of my eyes and ears. Apparently both Stephanie and DJ were Yankee Doodle in their respective hey days so Michelle thinks she's a shoo-in, completely disregarding the fact that in their younger years, Steph and Deej were absolutely adorable and talented little girls. Unfortunately for all of the other children hoping to try their luck, Jesse and Joey blow smoke up Ug's ass and essentially guarantee her the part.

Now it's time for the auditions. Aaron, the loudmouthed brat in Michelle's class, is true to his form and very very loud in his rendition of "Yankee Doodle." Ug does her tone deaf thing, all the while with a shit-eating grin because she thinks she has this shit in the bag. The personal highlight of these terrible auditions for me is this little Asian girl who simply stands there, refusing to sing who finally says "I never liked this song." Bwah! I hear ya, sister! Just when Michelle thinks she has this whole thing wrapped up, the guys and Steph notice one little boy sitting off to the side who had yet to audition.

Cue SuperFlamer Derek! I know he's only a little kid here, but I don't think there was ever a more flamboyant child than Derek S. Boyd. He requests the song played in the key of E and pretty much blows all of the other kids (not like that! Pervs!) including Michelle out of the water and secures the lead role as Yankee Doodle. The look on Michelle's face is priceless, and I relish in the joy of one of the few moments where that little shit does not get her way.

Back at the Tanner household, Danny's spending more and more time with Nicky and Alex. Becky's jealousy exhibits itself in some bona fide textbook passive aggressive behavior. Michelle is also stomping around the house pissed off and bitter that the better man got the part she so coveted. DJ volunteers her and Steve to attend "America the Beautiful" which Steve is against. He's naturally less than thrilled about the prospect of wasting precious moments of his life watching some idiotic first grade play. DJ gets mad at him for this... but like, seriously, she's not even having sex with him so does she really expect him to just roll over and submit himself to this kind of torture?

Becky's on the hunt for her boys and finds them taking a bath... with their Uncle Danny.

EW!

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EW!

Okay, I think I've recovered. Seriously, the levels of inappropriate behavior Danny reaches in this episode put him in a category with Michael Jackson and R. Kelly. I mean, thankfully he has his swim trunks on, but is it normal for parents/guardians to join their children in the bath? I mean, the twins aren't exactly infants at this point, they're definitely toddlers. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Becky's mad because she wanted to give them their bath and Danny says it's no problem and Becky finally blurts out, "No Danny. It IS a problem." She tells him that she wants him to back off (in a somewhat nicer way) and all is resolved with a hug a smile and some touching instrumentals.

Jesse and Joey go to cater to UgSnot. Even though she doesn't get to be Yankee Doodle, they've created a special role for her (Why? Aren't there enough parts to go around without having to give her special treatment YET AGAIN?!?!) Anywhore, they've cast Ug as Lady Liberty, it entails her saying like 2 lines introducing Yankee Doodle, thankfully NOT singing and predominantly standing there looking fug. Whatever Olsen is bratting their way through this scene totally flubs her lines. J&J pretty much tell her that not everyone can be lead singer in a band and emphasize the importance of the backup support, using the Rippers' bass player Lanny as an example.

It's time for the shit-tastic "America the Beautiful" which, for some reason, Steve ended up getting roped into going, and it's pretty much your typical painful to watch kids' play. Derek gets stagefright and is cowering in the wings until he gets a peptalk from the one and only Ug, and when he comes out and sings, he makes it all about Ug. Yes, that's right. Once again, Michelle weasels her way into the limelight. On that note, I'm going to run head first into a wall to erase the painful memory of this promising episode away.

"Oh girls, you like fresh baked cookies, don't you?" "We prefer store-bought." or Trouble in Twin Town (6.7)

2008-08-25T13:48:00.002-04:00

We open on the set of WUSF where some ugly ass old twins are playing polka to hype up the upcoming Twin Expo which is being hosted by none other than Danny. Meanwhile, his lady love Vicki is traveling with the Chicago Bears to Green Bay. Wow, pretty obvious who got the short end of the career stick. Jesse stops by the set to meet up with Becky, who tells him that her annoying cousin Dick and wife Donna are coming into town. Jesse starts to whine, because apparently they're snooty douchebags.

Back at the house, Stephanie is lamenting her boy problems to DJ. Apparently there's this boy in her class named Jimmy who keeps giving her noogies and pulls her hair. Isn't Steph at an age where this behavior's a little passe. Like 5 year olds pull hair, I would think there would be serious reprimands for a 10 or 11 year old boy laying his hands on a girl. DJ theorizes that Jimmy's doing all of these shenanigans because he has a thing for Steph and suggests that she call him.

Dick, Donna and their daughters Debbie and Darla arrive. Dick is played by Mark Linn-Baker who portrayed Coosin (sic) Larry on "Perfect Strangers" "Standing Taaaaaall on the wings of my dream!" For some unexplainable reason, I used to love that show. Ah, remember the days before VH1's "The Surreal Life" exposed Bronson Pinchot as a nasty perv? Anywhore, Dick and Donna are totally snobby assfaces, and Dick is one of those assholes who says insulting things and then tags on a disclaimer that it's a "small joke" as if that somehow makes it okay. Reminds me of this total bitchface at work, who is a snooty rude insulting bitch who claims she was "just kidding, like oh my God can't you take a joke?" whenever you get pissed off at the nasty shit she says. Man, I hate that bitch. Anywhore, Dick and Donna are in town to parade their daughters around in the twin expo and

Steph reports back to DJ how her phone call to Jimmy went. DJ asks if he likes her and Steph says "Close. He hates my guts." He pretty much threatened a restraining order if she ever calls him again. Bwah. DJ tries giving Stephanie more tips on Wooing Boys 101. If you catch a guy staring at you and you smile and he fixes his hair, it either means that he's totally into you or... it means nothing at all. Wow, riveting stuff Deej, look out Dr. Laura!

Haw haw! They stuck Ug with the duty of entertaining the bratty twins. They ask if she has a laser disc player, ha! Oh the early 90s! I remember watching "Stargate" on Laserdisc. Never really got into that whole fad, I was strictly VHS until DVD's took over. Debbie and Darla have a back-up plan, they packed their videogames! Sega Gamegears to be exact! They're playing "Ballerinas of Death" which sounds like 10 kinds of awesome. Ug whines, "When can I have a turn?" and the twins excellently reply "When you buy one!" Zing. Twins 1, Ug 0.

Jesse, Becky, Dick and Donna return from Dinner where Jesse says he "ate so much lobster, [he's] sweatin' buttah!" Cousin Dick smartly replies, "Gee, I hope you didn't ruin your best t-shirt." Those Nebraskan Donaldson's are douches, but damn if they're not hilarious with their biting quips. Joey brings the twins in to their parents, and asks if it's okay that he made them ice cream sundaes. Donna asks Debbie and Darla, "What do you say?" and they reply that the sundaes "would have been better with hot fudge." I'm inclined to agree because without the fudge, it's not really a sundae, is it? Donna does appear to be the only member of the family who is somewhat gracious and polite. Dick and Donna then inform Becky that her ex Doyce just got married. Seriously? "DOYCE"??!! WTF kind of name is that?

Dick and Jesse are left alone and Jesse cuts right to the chase, that he knows Dick doesn't like him. Dick says au contraire mon fraire, he would like Jesse if he was an acquaintance, he would like him if he was his waiter or even his mechanic, but as a brother in law... they always imagined Becky would end up with "better." Better than the Stamos? Impossible! Jesse says that he's not Dick's acquaintance or waiter, and if he was his mechanic, he'd have brake trouble. And furthermore, Jesse is going to enter Nicky and Alex in the Twin Expo and kick the crap out of Debbie and Darla.

At the Twin Expo, Stephanie meets some hunky twins, Andrew and Thomas. She catches them checking her out and when she smiles, they begin fixing their hair! They pass the test! She saunters over to work her Stephanie Tanner charm. Cockblock alert! Apparently Andy and Tommy boy only like doing things with other twins. So Stephanie creates a twin sister for herself, Bethany, and uses DJ's accessories to pull off the switcheroo. Unfortunately, Stephanie is unable to keep track of what costume is her and what is Bethany and comes clean. The boys start to fight over her until she says there's enough Steph to go around. Slut!

Twin Expo shenanigans. There's some slutty blondes whom Steve really digs, Debbie and Darla read an abysmal poem, and Nicky and Alex come out dressed as Elvis impersonators. Yeah... Just as Danny's about to announce the winners, he takes a phone call from his precious Vicki. That's professional. Apparently she's not the only one in the Bears locker room that wears heels. This episode sucks so let's just cut to the chase, Nicky and Alex win the Twin Expo, Jesse gets to shove it in Dick's face (hee, that was a fun sentence).

The Coolest Birthday Present Everrrr!

2008-08-21T18:19:00.004-04:00

Look what my sister sent me in the mail for my birthday!!!

SICK!!!

When I stop being a lazy bum and have my scanner hooked up, I'll treat you all to all of the early 90s cheesy fashion goodness (in paperdoll form)!

Hahaha, this is seriously one of the BEST Bday gifts everrrr! Thanks Big Gal Al!

Now to get my drank on!

"Huey, Dewey and Louie remind you of Steve." or House Meets the Mouse (6.23 and 6.24)

2008-08-21T17:50:00.001-04:00

Okay okay okay, I know that I've been a total slagass about updates, but you can't get mad at me because TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! Woooo! I took the night off of work and promise to blog away. And since it's my birthday I can do whatever freaking recap I want, so without further adieu, one of the most requested recaps and two of my most favorite episodes, the Tanners' two part trip to Disney!

Jesse has a gig booked to perform a concert in the Magic Kingdom of Disneyland and plans to broadcast his radio show from there, and the whole family, plus Kimmy, is tagging along. Because, really? Are the Tanners capable of doing ANYthing on their own without the crutch of their extended family?

Once they get there, Danny's got an anal retentive itinerary worked out for the whole family which they promptly reject in favor of doing their own thang. DJ misses Steve like whoa almost immediately, and part of me wants to snark and make fun, but part of me recalls how utterly codependent I was for my high school boyfriend when we were separated for a week. In fact, funny story about my ex-boyfriend and Disney. He went to celebrate New Year's Eve in Disneyworld with his douchebag loser friend and his friend's family, and he was arrested for shoplifting trying to procure a souvenir for me. Quite the prince, eh? So, he had to spend a night in Disney jail (yes, there is such a thing) and was banned from most of the park. I remember his mother calling me and saying "Something happened in Florida, you need to call Jeff" (Yeah, I'm using his name, what of it? I'm sure he'll never read this) So I'm freaking out and finally get him on the phone and he's blubbering like a baby. He comes home, sans souvenir for me ("They took your present back" Yeah, because it was STOLEN) and bragging about it to his friends. We broke up like a month after that. Eh, that wasn't a great story, but I'm sure you've all missed my semi-random tangents.

So anyway, DJ is whining to her sisters and Kimmy about missing Steve and imagines that she sees him everywhere. The girls are lined up to rub Aladdin's lamp in hopes of becoming Princess for the Day, henceforth known as PftD. Stephanie is next up and UgSnot cuts in front of her and naturally, rubs the lamp and makes the Genie appear, granting her the title of PftD. I don't think I need to tell you that Princess Michelle is the biggest cunt to her sisters, and brats it up all over the Magic Kingdom. DJ, Kimmy and Steph tire of Ug's bossiness and are talking smack about her and possibly plotting her demise. Ug overhears and in true shitkicker form, runs away to teach them a lesson.

Meanwhile, the patriarch of the fam is stressing out because he's trying to propose to his curly haired vixen Vicki, but all of his attempts are derailed by ridiculous interruption after interruption.

Becky and the twins feel neglected by Jesse who's busy with band rehearsals and his radio show. I don't know why Becky's pissing and moaning about it so much because what did she expect? This wasn't a vacation for pleasure, it was a business trip.

Joey goes to meet up with one of his friends who's a Disney animator and when left to his own devices, doodles a cartoon Joey who comes to life and chit chats with real life Joey. Whoa, where'd you score the peyote in the Magic Kingdom, Gladstone?

Danny is having dinner with Vicki in a restaurant that is apparently underwater, and as he's about to get all romantical, Jesse and Joey come a tap tap tapping on the window. They're conducting their radio show from an underwater bubble station. At the conclusion of the show, Jesse's about to surface to meet Becky for a romantic picnic, until Joey points out that there's a shark in the tank with them. If memory serves, it's just a Nurse Shark, who is a common resident in most aquarium tanks and is of no threat to people (although most sharks don't pose a threat to people unless provoked or the person places themselves in a most idiotic position (I watch a lot of Shark Week)).

Becky is waiting for Jesse with the picnic, and Chip and Dale (Rescue Rangers! (Man, their names are a helluva lot funnier now that I'm older and know what Chippendale's is)). She ends up offering up the contents of the basket to the chipmunks and stomps off.

Michelle's having a tea party with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, kicking it while her entire family is freaking out going insane looking for her. But, seriously? What are they so worked up over? Just count your blessings and hightail it the fuck out of there before that little troll comes crawling back. Danny and Vicki find her, that whore Snow White ratted her out! Danny at least sort of puts Ug in her place, telling her to stop bratting it up and they take her back with them, much to the delight of all Seven Dwarves.

Jesse finally arrives late to the picnic and finds Chip and Dale have devoured his lunch. He rushes back to the hotel and finds Becky who looks miffed. He serenades her to apologize and naturally, she melts like buttah.

Danny brings the girls to take in the awesome Indiana Jones attraction, where they mercilessly tease him about proposing to Vicki. Of course, DJ imagines that Indiana Jones is Steve, and when he gets "run down" by the giant rolling boulder, she jumps out of her seat and cries out and looks like a major tool. I'm embarrassed for her. Apparently Michelle hasn't learned anything and is still twatting it up all over Disney, so Stephanie feigns fatigue and asks to go back to the hotel. I think Ug's face is supposed to convey her guilt, but she just looks constipated.

Back at the hotel, DJ laments that she's once again imagining Steve, this time at the check out desk. But, this time it's not just DJ being crazy. Kimmy verifies that it really is the one and only human garbage disposal, Steve! In one of the most awesome FH moments ever, as DJ and Steve run towards one another in romantical slow-motion, Steve gets tripped up on his duffel bag and totally bites it!

Joey tries to confront Stephanie to get to the root of what's bothering her. Stephanie finally blurts out "I'm sick of her always getting her own way!" You and me both, Steph. Joey then waxes philosophical and dances around the real issue at hand, that Ug is a monstrous brat and says that Stephanie is really angry because she cheated herself out of having fun because she was mad at Michelle. Um, what about the fact that Michelle cut Stephanie in line. Yeah, Stephanie could have still tried to make the most of it, but let's not excuse Ug's continuous shithead behavior! Joey asks how Stephanie felt when she thought Michelle was missing. Ecstatic? Yes, but Steph lies and tells Joey she was "scared." Suuuure.

It's time for Michelle's final wish as PftD. She wishes to make Stephanie happy and let her be princess for the rest of the day. She says "I thought how you should have been princess anyway." Funny how you wait until the end of the fucking day to show this gesture of goodwill. Snow White says that because Michelle was so "unselfish" she, along with the entire Tanner clan, gets to ride in the parade. Are you fucking shitting me? She only was PftD because she cut her sister in line, acted like an entitled bossy brat the entire fucking day, and then at the last minute relinquishes her title to her sister and they qualify that as unselfish? Snotty piece of shit. God I hate Michelle!

So the entire family rides in the parade, la dee dah, and the culmination of the trip is Jesse and the Rippers performing at Cinderella's castle. Snow White fills in as Joey's co-DJ for the radio show. Jesse wishes Becky a happy anniversary, and oh, I guess that's why she wanted to spend so much time together. Way to try and mix business and pleasure there, Jess. Jesse then launches into a sexified version of "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." Danny finally proposes to Vicki in fireworks form and naturally she accepts, but *SPOILER* they never actually make it down the aisle.

Sorry I've been MIA for so long, but Happy Birthday to me, and Happy Belated Birthday to John Stamos, who turned 45 on Tuesday!

The Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget...

2008-08-17T23:29:00.001-04:00

Was awesome! I hope that you all got a chance to check it out!

I suck.

2008-08-14T14:08:00.000-04:00

Will blog soon.

Promise.

"Mommy! I'm chafing again!" or Yours, Mine and Ours (5.21)

2008-07-28T14:17:00.002-04:00

Ahh and now we're full swing into Nick and Alex mode. Becky and Jesse have been reduced to a squabbling old married couple constantly bickering on their different ideas about child-rearing. Mainly, Becky's way paranoid and overprotective, whereas Jesse's a bit more cavalier in his parenting tactics. Danny suggests an evening of Tanner Family Fun at a pirate themed restaurant. When he invites the new parents along, Jesse accepts and Becky declines citing it's the height of cold and flu season. Squabble squabble squabble.

The rest of the clan reluctantly traipses to the nautically themed restaurant and none of them want to be there. DJ's embarrassed to be out somewhere so lame and worries that she might be seen by some of her peers (although, I would argue that by being there themselves, her classmates lose any rights to mock her). Joey doesn't eat seafood, UgSnot yearns for chocolate cake, and Stephanie opts for the most expensive thing on the menu, The Sunken Treasure.

At the house, Jesse returns back from picking up some pizza with a bald-headed twin in tow. Becky freaks out that he took one of the babies out in the cold without a hat quotes her mother that "A hat on the head keeps a child out of bed." The each call their respective mothers to complain about the other's wacked parenting techniques and then switch phones. Mrs. Donaldson also teaches Jesse that "A scarf on the throat goes great with a coat." The phone switching continues and results in Jesse insulting Becky's mother. Jesse covers his ass and they end up putting Irene and Mrs. Donaldson's phones together and letting them squawk at one another.

Becky and Jesse then imagine what Nicky and Alex will be like when they're older if each continues parenting the way they have been. Nicky, raised by lenient Jesse turns out to be a biker rebel sporting some fierce long dark curly locks. Alex, coddled by Becky, is a chess-playing geeky mama's boy. The best part of it all is that Jesse is balding and has hair plugs, which Nicky mocks prompting a wounded Jesse to meekly ask, "You can tell I have plugs?" To which Nicky retorts "Only when I look at you!" Back to present day, Becky and Jesse remark how scary the prospective future is. Becky's talking about the way Nicky turned out, and Jesse was talking about his hair loss. The Bickersons are finally jolted back to reality when they realize that one of the twins is sick. Cue the serious music!

Back at the pirate restaurant, Stephanie's sunken treasure comes out and looks absolutely foul. It includes an octopus or squid that may or may not be dead as it suctions itself to the plate. Joey is about to enjoy his "slab of salted beef" when he is suddenly bombarded by a throng of prepubescent fans. He says that he'll be more than happy to sign autographs as soon as he finishes his dinner. Just then, one of the little pukes sneezes on his food and Joey is thoroughly disgusted. Yet another example of the gross mishandling of food done by FH. Vomit. A giant chocolate cake is mistakenly delivered to the Tanner table until Stephanie informs the waitstaff that UgSnot's name isn't Sarah.

DJ recognizes some kids from school who totally laugh at her. Then their bitchy ringleader Shelly, walks up to her and says that they're there to make fun of the losers who go there with their families. Again, I have to question how cool this Shelly bitch and her friends are that they would actually waste an entire night sitting in a lame restaurant. Methinks they need to reexamine their priorities. Rather than point out this glaringly obvious point, DJ just slumps down in her chair and covers her face, humiliated.

Danny is fed up by his family's shitty attitude and asks for the check. Because somebody ordered the Sunken Treasure and didn't finish it, the pirate captain is making Danny walk the plank. He yells "Argh!" a lot, leading to the obvious and unfunny pun "That's your favorite letter, isn't it?" You should have to walk the plank for that lame joke alone, Tanner. Before he walks the plank, Danny stands before the entire restaurant and gives a speech about what he wanted out of this evening, some good clean family fun and togetherness. Stephanie runs up and tries to take his place because after all, she was the one who ordered the undersea world of Jacques Cousteau for dinner. Joey runs up and says that he had a rotten attitude from the get-go and this is all his fault and he should walk the plank. DJ then comes up and says they all had bad attitudes and says that she was embarrassed to be there, but now that she's standing up in front of the entire restaurant... she's entirely humiliated. UgSnot joins the rest of the family up on the deck, but the only thing she wants to know is if Sarah is going to eat all of that cake. Sarah just nods and I laugh at Michelle not getting her way. Man, Ug's a piggish little snot, isn't she? The entire family ends up walking the plank into a ball pit and all I can think about is all of the disgusting things that probably lay on the bottom of that pit. Blecchh.

At the house, Jesse and Becky take all the proper steps to care for the sick twin. Jesse begins playing the blame game and beats himself up over taking the baby out without a hat until Becky points out that he took Nicky out and Alex is the one that is sick. When they finally get the doctor on the phone everything he tells them, they've already done and Jesse wonders what the hell they're paying him for. Alex's fever goes down, they've survived their first medical emergency, go Team Katsopolis!

"That's not sweat- it's a mother's glow" or Happy Birthday, Babies, Parts I and II (5.9, 5.10)

2008-07-22T13:26:00.003-04:00

I have to preface that the second episode of this two-parter is quite possibly hands down my favorite FH episode. Even though the end result is Nicky and Alex, Jesse's post-surgery doped up ramblings always have me in stitches. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm pretty much going to skip over the first episode because it's even more Ug-Centric than ever. You see, it's Ug's 5th birthday and she's just ever so excited for her Flinstones themed birthday party. To placate the whining hosebeast, Danny whips out her baby book and we're tortured with about 30 minutes of reminiscing about UgSnot through the years. Yeah, it's pretty much a clip show. Clips of pure, unadulterated fug. Danny says that with her 5th birthday, they'll be able to complete her baby book and then they can start two new baby books for the twins. Because the attention has been shifted off of her for 5 minutes, Ug throws a pouty shit-fit and demands they cancel her birthday so that she can stay a baby forever. Pfft, the cancellation is not necessary, Michelle's always going to be a baby because she will always act like an immature petulant brat so long as the Tanner clan enables her like they do.

Blah blah, ass-kissing cakes, eventually the family convinces Michelle to age (like she really had a choice in the matter) and her Flinstones party kicks off. We have Danny as Dino, Jesse as Fred, Joey as Barney, DJ as Wilma, Steph as Betty, Michelle as Pebbles, Comet as a Stegosaurus and Becky as the ferocious Pregosaurus. This is a pretty extravagant affair and I can't help but feel like I was gypped in my childhood so far as my birthday parties (I keed I keed, that shit's tacky as fuck). Becky goes into labor and the entire family freaks and caught up in all of the excitement, they all rush out the door leaving Ug and all of her party guests behind unattended. Cue the cheesy "Home Alone" joke. Since none of the kids are allowed to use matches, Ug simulates blowing out the candles. The kids also aren't allowed to use knives so Teddy karate chops the cake. Yuck. The myriad of ways that this show mishandles food in the most disgusting manner possible skeeves me out. Just then, Joey, DJ and Steph rush in and see they were too late.

At the hospital, Jesse, still in his Fred Flinstone muumuu, starts experiencing what he believes to be "sympathy pains." Turns out he needs to have his appendix removed. Danny, still dressed as Dino, offers to step in and act as Becky's coach. He also asks for a hospital gown to change into. Once he does, he manages to flash a couple of old ladies on account of he's not wearing any pants.

Back at the house, DJ and Stephanie organize a game of Open the Present You Brought as Fast as You Can. The kids open the presents and present them to Ug as she walks down the line deciding whether or not she likes the gift. Man, she's such a little shit. I wonder how many of those kids only went to the party for the free cake or because their parents made them. My guess is all but Teddy. They rush the guests out so that they can meet up with the rest of the family at the hospital.

At the hospital, Danny is coaching a sweaty Becky through her breathing exercises. Her breathing pattern prompts Danny to start singing "We Will Rock You." Yet another reason for me to love Danny Tanner, he's a Queen fan! Joey, DJ and Steph arrive and it turns out that Kimmy's also kicking it at the hospital. She's found a cute boy with 2 broken arms to prey upon. Apparently she spoon fed him Jell-o. Danny opens the door to invite the crew from WUSF into Becky's delivery room. Becky is less than thrilled with Danny's idea to include her giving birth as a segment on the show and she plasters a fake smile on her face as she tells the crew, and San Francisco, to get out of her room.

Now comes the brilliance. They wheel in Jesse, who just had his appendix removed and who is completely hopped up on painkillers. He calls Danny "Donny" and mistakes him for Becky's husband. Becky and Danny try to set him straight and Jesse replies "A wife and a baby in the same day... radical." He then launches into a song "Having my baby... what a lovely way to say how much you looooooove me." This recap doesn't even do the hilarity of it all justice. I tried to find a video of it on youtube but was unsuccessful, so hopefully most of you remember this scene as vividly as I do. Jesse asks Becky "Won't your husband Donny be jealous?" Bwah. Slays me.

Becky gives birth, Joey does some dumb voices, Danny promises the twins April fresh diapers. They reveal the names, one is Alexander, named for Becky's high school teacher who inspired her to pursue a career in journalism and the other is Nicholas, named for Jesse's father. UgSnot's pissy about having to share her birthday, until the prospect of 3 cakes is brought up and her piggish heart swells with glee. The family softly sings "Happy Birthday" to Michelle, Alex and Nicky and this show just got a whole lot more annoying.

BONUS: While I was trying to find a clip of Uncle Jesse stoned, I happened upon this video of Jesse's song "A Little More Love" from a couple recaps back. Turns out it's an original song co-wrote by Stamos and Mark Vogel. Enjoy! I can't help it, I think it's catchy as fuck!

"Well I know I'm just as sad about this tap shoe tragedy as she is." or The Legend of Ranger Joe (5.6)

2008-07-12T23:35:00.000-04:00

Look at me! Back to blogging! Your prayers have been answered. Also, please note another new addition to the blogroll; long-time reader and hilarious commentator colleenn has launched a blog reliving the glory of old school Nickelodeon so you should definitely check it out.

Stephanie, being the gracious and all around wonderful sister that she is, gives UgSnot her old tap shoes and teaches her a simple tap routine to "Tea for Two." Michelle, naturally, sucks ass.

Jesse is trying to come up with names for the twins and is obviously hiding something about his obsession over selecting the perfect names. Joey meanders downstairs, looking like shit after completely bombing his comedy show from the night before. Apparently his audience was comprised of foreign tourists and unfortunately, unfunny is a language that can be understood by all. Jesse tells Joey that he's in luck because a newspaper strike is preventing the bad review of Joey's show from reaching the masses. The phone rings and it's the local radio station with a trivia question: How much does Deputy Dog weigh? Jesse, like most people in this situation, has the appropriate "WTF?" kind of reaction. Joey lunges at the phone and answers that "Without his hat and uniform, Deputy Dog weighs 43 lbs." And wow, Joey just achieved a new level of loser I didn't think possible. With that bit of useless trivia, Joey has won himself Donny and Marie tickets. Um... yay? Were tickets to an Osmond concert considered a hot commodity?

Joey settles in to wait for the cable guy, and is expecting to be in it for the long haul, but his lucky streak continues when the cable man knocks on the door. And the cable man turns out to be a hot cable woman. She's bummed because apparently she tried to secure Donny and Marie tickets and they were sold out. Um really? Have I been greatly underestimating the mass appeal of those toothy Mormon fools? Joey scores himself a date and also some free cable including the truck and trailer pull channel. Um yay again? I know these are all supposed to be kickass things that are building a lucky streak for Joey, but color me unimpressed.

The guys turn on "Wake Up San Francisco" and today's guest is children's TV host, Ranger Roy. He comes out and has everyone give themselves a big bear hug. During the interview, Roy tells Danny that he's planning on retiring from the magical forest and Danny suggests Joey as a replacement.

Back at the house, Ug is being annoying. I know I know, what else is new? But, this time she's annoying us in a new medium, that of tap-dancing butchery. She is straight-up the most obnoxious tap dancing troll ever. Poor Stephanie, this is what she gets for trying to be nice to her shitkicker of a sister.

Joey goes down to the station to audition to be the successor to Ranger Roy's tree stump. Prior to Joey's arrival, Roy informs Danny that he suffers from acute physical paranoia. That means that Roy hates to be touched and when he is, he freaks out and hyperventilates. That is why he created the whole "give yourself a big bear hug" shtick. Joey comes in and wows Roy with his myriad of cartoon voices and gets the job. Joey is so ecstatic and thankful that he gives Roy a big hug, and mistakes his stressed breathing as shared joy. Joey runs off to spread his good news and Danny apologizes on his behalf and says that he won't regret hiring Joey. To this, Ranger Roy simply replies, through labored breaths, "He's fired!"

At the house, Stephanie and Becky are enthralled watching the truck and trailer pull channel. Steph also confesses that she hid Michelle's shoes and buried them i the backyard. Bwah! Go Steph! Joey comes in and tells the girls his good news and proclaims it to be his luckiest day ever. DJ comes in and tells everyone that she called Grandma to get to the bottom of Jesse's squirrelly behavior regarding the twins' names and reveals that Uncle Jesse's real name is... Hermes! Ouch. That's pretty rough, and I'm part Greek.

Jesse comes in carrying the stolen tap shoes. Unfortunately, Stephanie's dastardly plan was foiled by Comet who dug up the tap shoes. Stephanie tries to play it off that Comet buried them until Jesse points out that the shoes were sealed in a plastic bag and then buried. Heh, whoops. Stephanie cracks and says that she could take it anymore, the incessant "Tea for two, tap tap tap" ad nauseum. She declares that her only options were to bury the shoes or lose her mind. Hey, I'm with you Steph. Though I would have probably opted to bury Michelle in the backyard. Ug turns to Uncle Jesse and says, "Thank you for finding my shoes Uncle Hermes." Becky, DJ and Steph are unable to contain their laughter as a look of horror descends upon Jesse when he realizes his secret is out.

Jesse defends his name saying that Hermes is the god of swiftness and the name represents strength, courage and hot feet. The girls apologize and ask if he wants them to start calling him Hermes to which he scoffs, "No, do I look like a geek?"

Now it's time for Joey's lucky streak to come to a screeching halt. The paper strike is over and all of the horrendous reviews of Joey's show are now out in the public eye. Next, he gets a phone call from the radio station. Turns out that his 4th cousin is the station janitor so he's ineligible to collect the Donny & Marie tickets. I've heard about stipulations like that before, but doesn't that seem a little absurd? I know I know, it's just FH, and since it's causing Joey distress, I'll look the other way. For his troubles, they throw in a sweatband. Sweet. Hot cable girl comes back and informs Joey that the cable's out for the entire street, but also to make sure that they're still on for the concert. Joey tells her that he lost out on the tickets and she flips on him for lying to her. Psycho bitch! How superficial is this ho? Ugh, did I just defend Joey? Gross. So Joey loses the tickets, but offers her the sweatband and she gets all pissy that he doesn't have it on him. Superficial ho, get off my TV screen!

Danny comes in to deliver the final blow. He tells Joey about Ranger Roy's acute physical paranoia and tells him that he lost the job. Joey is horrified because he sent Roy a bear hug-a-gram as a thank you, and even paid extra for the tummy rub. Joey and Danny rush down to the station to intercept the giant manbear(pig) and save Ranger Roy. Unfortunately, they're too late. Roy goes into full-on hyperventilation but it's time for the show to begin. Ruh-roh. Danny pulls Joey onto the set to cover for Roy and Joey's reluctant but steps up and does a pretty decent job. Joey and Mr. Woodchuck "entertain" us with their stupid wood puns and Roy recovers from his attack and is impressed with Joey's performance. He gives Joey the job, but unfortunately does not require him to cut his mullet. He has the children attack Joey with a bear hug and the episode ends with me being skeeved out with some serious Michael Jackson pedo-vibes.

"Well there was a turtle and a duck..." or The King and I (5.5)

2008-07-10T12:39:00.003-04:00

The whole Tanner clan is excitedly preparing for the annual Tanner Family Picnic where they are representing the Bay area Tanners. All of their tasks have been assigned: Ug and Jesse are doing the balloon race, Joey is doing the pie eating contest and Stephanie and DJ are doing the 3-legged race. Stephanie is insistent that they begin practicing right away and ties their legs together. Just then, DJ's phone rings and she thinks it's some studly stud from school and the girls 3-leg their way up the stairs only to find out that the call is for Stephanie.

Joey starts boasting about his pie eating abilities, and Becky and her prego ass steps up to challenge him. Since she's eating for 3, she easily kicks his ass and replaces Joey as the Tanner rep in the pie-eating contest. She smokes him so bad that she even has time to give Jesse a blueberry covered kiss and return to eating and still win! Jesse tells the family that he needs to come up with the song to end all songs and is not to be disturbed under any circumstances.

Down in the basement, I mean studio, Jesse is hard at work, agonizing and trying to come up with the ultimate song (think Roger in "Rent" with "One Song Glory"). Michelle comes down wanting to practice the balloon race for the picnic (Side note: What the hell is a balloon race? Is that when you stick a balloon between your thighs and try to waddle across the finish line without popping the balloon?) Joey comes in to be his annoying self and Becky tries to bring Jesse a sandwich and all three are promptly booted out of the room by a surly Jesse. Becky thinks she's exempt from the expulsion because she's all fat and prego and waddled all the way down the stairs just to bring him a tasty sangwich. Jesse is merciless and tells her to get to stepping.

It's time for the Tanner Family Picnic! Joey tells Becky that he has entered the pie eating contest as a Wild Card contestant and it's just like let it go, fat man. Becky beat you, so you should probably look towards cultivating a talent other than competitive eating or comedy. Kimmy's ready and raring to go, but Danny feigns sadness over the fact that there's no room in the van for anyone outside the family. Just then, Jesse comes in and declares that he's not going to the picnic. Danny pleads with Jesse that the possibility of Kimmy joining them in the van means the family needs him now, more than ever. Jesse refuses, and Ug whines that he's her partner and he says to find a new partner. She pisses and moans that he promised and Jesse snaps that he's breaking his promise and for the family to go fuck themselves (not verbatim). The adults are a little taken aback by Jesse's demeanor and UgSnot pouts, "Uncle Jesse's not nice anymore." Uproarious laughter ensues from my couch at Ug's misery.

Jesse gets back to work but still has got nothing, so he goes for a ride to go clear his head. Meanwhile, in the rented van, Joey has to pee, Ug whines "Are we there yet?" and Stephanie accuses Kimmy of staring at her. Kimmy denies it, but she totally is. Just then, a familiar stank descends upon the car. Did they hit a skunk? Nay! Kimmy decided to take her shoes off and let her rankass feet air out.

Jesse has arrived at some podunk truck stop diner and is seated next to an Elvis/Wayne Newton look-alike. He chides Jesse for snapping at his family and tells him that family is the most important thing and should always come first because without family, all the success that comes with a great music career means nothing without the love of your family. Would you like some cheese on your sandwich, faux-Elvis? Jesse compliments his advice and he says "Thank you, thank you very much." Jesse remarks that he reminds him of someone, and faux-Elvis says that he gets it all the time, that he looks like Wayne Newton.

Jesse takes off to try and catch up with the family at the picnic and comes upon the van broken down. He rides up on his motorcycle like a knight on his steed ready to save the day. It's like pitch-black out now, so unless this Tanner Family picnic is a 2 or 3-day extravaganza, methinks they might have missed it. Jesse fixes the van in a matter of minutes and apologizes to the family. Obvs, because UgSnot is, well, an ugly little snot, won't accept Jesse's apology at first until he promises to do the race with her. So I guess they didn't miss the picnic. But why? Why must they always cater to this little doucherag?

When everyone's back home, Jesse debuts the new song he wrote that was inspired by his love of his family (laaaaaaaame). We'll call it "Give a Little More Love" because that seems to be the most repeated phrase in the chorus. The family grooves out gaily. Jesse does a crazy conga drum solo and his black female back up singer looks SO familiar. Where do I know her from? She's not on the IMDB page! Help meee! It pains me to admit it, but I actually kind of like the song. It's cheesy as hell but also pretty catchy. Don't you judge!

How Rude!

2008-07-05T15:50:00.003-04:00

Sorry that June's recaps sort of tapered off. I was doing so well! I've started going to the gym more and between that and work, I've been napping a lot more. I know that's like the piss-pooriest excuse for no blogging, but you should see my trainwreck of an apartment. I haven't had time to clean it in weeks (and by haven't had time, I mean, I've been super exhausted.) I vow to top June's number of blogs in July, and in between recaps, might I suggest visiting Fear Street and my new favorite, Like Pike, listed on the left-hand margin? I've been loving the trips down memory lane those blogs have provided for me.

Anyways, I hope everyone had a safe and happy (and drunken) fourth and I'll try to have a couple of recaps out before the end of next week. Sorry again for sucking so hard.

"You are the mother of all idiots!" or Where, oh where, has my little girl gone? (5.4)

2008-06-17T00:00:00.000-04:00

Danny is hard at work in the kitchen cleaning his cleaning products. I'll give you a moment to fully comprehend the extent of his anal retentiveness. Kimmy and DJ come in from school and DJ tells Kimmy that she received a sympathy card from the infamous Cathy Santoni wishing her well in her time of a mega-crisis. When Danny asks how her day was, DJ avoids the question and says it was fine. Danny is perturbed because he knows DJ is hiding something from him.

Up in DJ's room, Kimmy reveals why she received the card. Apparently some fellow named Todd Mitchell told everyone that DJ is the worst kisser in school. DJ is irate because she never even kissed Todd Mitchell. He made the moves on her, and our pious Donna Jo deflected his advances.

Across the hall Stephanie and fug are setting up their new bedroom. Stephanie urges Ug to keep all of her babyish items hidden from public view, especially her Barney the Bear plush wall hanging. Danny comes in and Michelle gets him to hang up Barney right above her bed where "no one can miss him!" much to the chagrin of Stephanie. Danny moves into DJ's room and begins snooping around to try and find what's going on, and happens upon her card from Cathy Santoni. Worried by the phrase "mega crisis" Danny embarks on a mission to get to the bottom of this teenage melodrama.

Down in the studio, formerly known as Joey's bedroom, formerly known as the garage, Jesse installs a red light for when he's working and recording and isn't to be disturbed by the rest of the family. Jesse and Joey are down there reminiscing on their advertising career. They are leaving it behind for Jesse to put more of a focus on his music career and for Joey to focus on his comedy. They sentimentally call it the end of an era... and then Jesse promptly kicks Joey out. There's only one problem... Jesse's handiwork in constructing the studio resulted in a stuck door. Joey asks if Jesse was solely responsible for soundproofing the studio, and when the hair man says he did, Joey begins calling for help since Jesse probably effed that up too.

Up in the kitchen, Becky and Danny faintly hear their cries of "Help!" and Danny theorizes that they are doing a cover of the Beatles song of the same name. That's a pretty cheesetastic throwaway joke right there. On a quasi-related note, did you know that the Beatles' "Yesterday" is the most covered song of all time? Fun fact! Anyway, Danny confides in Becky that he knows something's up with DJ but that she won't tell him and it's driving him nuts. Becky asks how he knows something is wrong if she won't say anything, and Danny confesses that he found the card while putting her laundry away. Becky busts him because it's totally not laundry day, and Danny admits that he was snooping. Becky tells him that he can't go to DJ with his knowledge because he acquired the card through sheisty means.

Just then DJ and Kimmy come in and Danny again tries to desperately get DJ to reveal what's going on in her life. She again tries to play it off and turns to Kimmy and asks, "Do I have a problem?" Kimmy retorts, "Well, you're Dad's kind of nosey." Bwah! Touche, Gibbler, well played. In a last ditch effort, Danny asks DJ to go bowling with him as a sort of father-daughter bonding time. For some ridiculous reason, DJ isn't totally stoked to go bowling and I am shocked! Bowling rocks!

Up in the girls' room, Stephanie invites Ug to join the Big Girl's Club. Steph says that in order to join, Michelle needs to remove all of her "baby stuff" from the room, and entices the Ug one with promise of a special Big Girl song ("Iiiiii'm a big girl, yooouu're a big girl, yadda yadda yadda yadda ya!"). Michelle tries to argue that Stephanie has Mr. Bear, and Steph explains the sophistication of a bear in a trenchcoat wearing a fedora. I'm sold, but that's because I hate Ug so very very much. Eventually Stephanie concedes to let Michelle keep Barney rather than part with Mr. Bear.

Down in the studio, the guys are still trapped and yelling for help, when finally Joey realizes that Jesse's red light is on. He turns it off and almost immediately, Becky comes down with sandwiches exclaiming that she's so impressed that Jesse is working so hard and she "thought that red light would never turn off!" Jesse feels like a major donkey, as well he should since he was just outsmarted by Joey!

At the bowling alley, Danny's trying to force a good time, but DJ totally sucks. Danny acts oblivious and suggests that maybe they can join a father-daughter league. While Danny's bowling, Kimmy runs up and tells DJ that now is her big chance. Todd Mitchell is at the mall, spreading more rumors about DJ's shitty kissing and if they leave now, they can bust his lying ass! DJ asks Danny if it's alright for her leave, and he grudgingly agrees and is left all emo and forlorn, next to another father-daughter pairing which represents what he wanted. The girl is all into bowling and suggests to her father that they join a league. Danny's sad jealousy is palpable.

Back at the Tanner household, DJ comes in and Danny can't take it any longer, he has to know what's going on. He confronts DJ about the card he found and can't believe that she would hide a mega-crisis from him. DJ is livid about Danny's invasion of privacy and disrepect for her. He explains that he was concerned about her and the fact that she wouldn't talk to him, and she finally explains the situation to him. He's relieved that it wasn't anything more serious, and she tells him that her and Kimmy cornered that tool Todd Mitchell in the food court and threatened him with condiments until he admitted that he made the whole thing up. Danny promises to not snoop around DJ's room again, and DJ promises to be more forthcoming with everything that's going on in her life. They hug it out and all's well once again in the kingdom of Tanner.

"Steph, do you have a rebuttal?" "No... but you should hear my side of this!" or Take My Sister, Please (5.3)

2008-06-15T13:48:00.002-04:00

Kimmy and DJ are up in DJ and Stephanie's shared room doing homework with... SQUEEE! DAVID LASCHER! That hunk of hunks from "Hey Dude" and "Sabrina the Teenage Witch"! Man, he's a fox, how on earth did they snag him for this 3 minute role? And why didn't they pursue him as a recurring character?

Anyway, superhunk David Lascher is portraying Rick, and sadly, we won't ever see him again following this brief exchange. While doing work with DJ and Kimmy, he tells DJ about the debut of a new roller coaster, the Squirminator and insinuating that he'd like to take a ride with Deej. Stephanie has to come in and totally cockblock DJ by saying that she barfs on roller coasters. Rick's sufficiently turned off and peaces out of there almost immediately. Man, if I was DJ I would beat the shit out of Steph for ruining my chances with David Lascher. She is obviously pissed and bitches Stephanie out, telling her that she's tired of her intrusions.

Meanwhile, Jesse comes home bearing a plethora of chips for Becky. He has obtained every type of potato chip known to man... that is every kind except the chips with ridges. Naturally, those were the ones that Becky wanted because they cause for optimum bean dip scoopability. Cue the prego moodswings. They're setting up the living room for Becky's childbirth class and she invites Joey and Danny to stay and they scoff until they catch a look at the babelicious lamaze instructor Lisa Green, played by Nurse Jennifer from "Saved By the Bell." I'm confused as to how old she is as she played a potential love interest to both Zack Morris and these two fools. I checked her IMDB page and she's apparently 42, and was 35/36 when she was on SBTB and FH. The more you knowwwww...

She tells them they need to be pregnant to attend class, and rather than point out that it's his house, Danny just makes up some cheesy flirtatious line. Joey does some Daffy Duck impression and she laughs. Jesse mutters something about good luck on making a choice between those winners. DJ comes down talking about her biggest crisis this week.

DJ launches into a presentation of "My Own Room: Together we can make it happen." It involves such points as Stephanie's constant interruptions (which she demonstates by interjecting her own comments mid-presentation), and the fact that DJ is in High school, whereas Stephanie and Michelle are both in elementary school, as they share a school, DJ reasons that they should share a room. Her final point is that Stephanie and Michelle are now the same exact ages that DJ and Stephanie were when they first moved into the same room together. Joey is blown away, and compares it to how Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln and Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and before he can continue, Jesse asks how it's possible that he can dress himself every day.

Stephanie is in her room lamenting to Comet that no one wants to live with her. Comet barks in response and she thanks him for the offer to move into the dog house with him. Hey now Steph, don't read too much into that bark.

Down at the birthing class, they are doing breathing exercises and using focus objects and Jesse tries to get Becky to use an Elvis doll and she refuses and instead he dangles what appears to be a giant roasted turkey leg in front of her face. Danny and Joey are still vying for Lisa's attentions and Danny boasts that if he seems experienced about child birthing it's because he's been through 4 births, his 3 daughters and his own. Joey pipes in that he cried when Fred and Wilma had Pebbles and does a Fred Flinstone-esque sob. And like, fucking really? You cried at that? Loser. Danny tries to impress Lisa with an impersonation of Tom the Mouse from "Tom & Jerry." Joey corrects him that Tom was the cat and that neither one ever spoke. Danny simply tells Joey "Get a life." Well played, Tanner.

Danny finally concedes defeat to Joey and acknowledges that they're actually kind of perfect for one another and I think Danny should consider himself lucky. This lady seems like a wack job. She says she'd love to go out for pizza with Joey whenever class is over... and then promptly ends class. Wow, way to let all the prego's get their money's worth. If I was all crazy pregnant and hormonal, I would cut a bitch for gypping me out of something I paid for.

It's snack time, aka Prego feeding time at the Tanner zoo. The ladies begin devouring the chips and bean dip and Becky suddenly has a craving for seedless watermelon. Jesse reasons that it's out of season and he'd have to drive all the way to Mexico for it, and she simply replies, "You have a car." God, I never want to be pregnant. I already have enough crazy in my life. Becky launches into a full-fledge hormonal crying fit and everyone, men and women, turns on Jesse. Becky asks Jesse if she's going to be normal again someday and he mutters, "I hope so." Me too, Jess. Pregnant hormonal Becky is not fun viewing.

Stephanie has now moved into the bathroom and Danny comes in and starts questioning whether or not his decision to change up the living arrangements might have been a bit premature. DJ panics at the prospect of losing her very own bedroom that she's been campaigning for for years, and asks Danny for some privacy to talk to Stephanie about it. DJ explains that Steph was a great roommate but she's older and really needs her own privacy. Stephanie concedes and they go to take on the UgSnot. DJ manages to sell Ug on living with Stephanie fairly easily, once they have Stephanie apologize for calling Michelle a "Kindergarten Baby" and they begin arguing about who's the boss, and DJ herds them out of the room and collapses onto the bed, basking in the glory of finally having her very own room.

"Dad. Do something. She's got luggage!" "God help us all." or Matchmaker Michelle (5.2)

2008-06-13T11:26:00.001-04:00

Teddy's come over to play house with UgSnot and declares himself to be the dad. Ug tries to be the Joey and Teddy tells her that she's supposed to be the mom. Michelle doesn't know how to be a mom because she doesn't have one. This is probably the point where I'm supposed to feel bad for her and say "Awww" but I just can't.

Danny's cleaning while Stephanie's doing her homework. She asks him what the capital of El Salvador is, and he replies that if he told her, that would defeat the purpose of it being her homework and she wouldn't learn anything. Stephanie's no fool and totally calls Danny on his bullshit and busts him for not knowing what it is. (If anyone was wondering, it's San Salvador).

DJ & Kimmy come in discussing their latest assignment at school. They're supposed to switch places with another person and see what it's like to spend a weekend living life in their shoes. Stephanie is horrified about the prospect of having Kimmy as her big sister for the weekend.

Jesse comes in and is all bummed because the Rippers were turned down from a record deal for being too soft. Wait, what? Didn't they just sign a deal and didn't he just get back from touring with the band as part of that deal? What the hell happened to that? Jesse can't believe that they said his image was too soft and can't imagine where they got such an idea. Then he promptly bends down and begins cooing at Becky's pregnant belly and it becomes pretty apparent where this soft image stems from.

Becky suggests that the ad wizards Jesse and Joey team up to formulate a tough, badass image for Jesse and the Rippers. Joey spews off some nonsense and Jesse says "You're an idiot... but I'm desperate." I'm sure those words are all too familiar to Joey Gladstone. Especially on a Saturday night around 2:30 AM when the bar's closing down and some poor girl who may be a little homely with buck teeth and a lazy eye whose been pounding amaretto sours all night doesn't want to spend yet another night alone... but, I digress from this speculation into the private life of Joey.

Ug is still boggled by the concept of a mother and asks Becky how to go about finding a mother. Becky explains that Danny would find a wife to be Michelle's mother via dating and whatnots, and Michelle seems satisfied with her answer. In Stephanie and DJ's room, Kimmy tries to order Steph to get her a glass of juice. Being her intellectual superior, Steph manages to trick Kimmy into getting her own beverage by proposing it like a competition and timing how long it takes her to go to the kitchen and back. Kimmy darts out of the room and Stephanie is left to bask in the glow of her awesomeness.

Down in Joey's room, they've put a Nelson-esque wig on Jesse's head and (obviously) he looks utterly ridiculous. He says that he wants to be tough like the guys of Poison, Ratt and Whitesnake and what? When I think of "tough" bands, those are definitely not the first ones to pop in my head. I mean, Bret Michaels wore full-on women's makeup back in Poison's heyday. Eyeliner and lip gloss are SO badass! Joey comes up with the epithet of "Vulture" for Jesse complete with bizarre sound effects that's supposed to sound like a vulture... I guess?

Ug's at school and her teacher, Mrs. Wiltrout, is encouraging all of the children to clean up after themselves because "a clean room is a happy room." Michelle marvels at this because that's one of Danny's favorite sayings. I'm pretty sure he has that embroidered on a sampler hanging over his bed. Not realizing that her Mrs. W's kind of an old bag, Ug thinks that she's found a love connection for Danny. When Danny comes to pick Michelle up from school, she invites her teacher over for lunch and thinking that it's completely innocent (most likely due to the massive age disparity), both Danny and Mrs. Wiltrout are totally cool with it.

DJ pops into her room and Stephanie is overjoyed to see her and flings herself around her big sister. DJ, not wanting to break character, responds in true Gibbler fashion and says that she's merely there to retrieve her roller skates because tonight's the Roller Derby Grudge Match at the Gibbler's. It's DJ and Mr. Gibbler versus Mrs. Gibbler and Kimmy's brother. That is SO badass! Kimmy warns DJ that her mom carries an egg beater in her pants. Fuck Joey! Jesse should be taking notes from Mrs. Gibbler on how to be a rough and tough rocker.

Unfortunately, Jesse didn't listen to me and we're now at the Smash Club awaiting the debut of Vulture. Joey's sporting that ridiculous Nelson wig and talking like a stoner rocker and why won't someone just kick the crap out of him? As they're lowering Jesse, I mean Vulture to the stage, he gets stuck in the harness and the show is a complete and utter disaster. That's what you get for listening to Joey, I guess. Following the show, Joey has another suggestion for an alter ego: Gopher. The suggestion is accompanied by a mediocre impersonation of Bill Murray in "Caddyshack." Jesse ultimately decides to go back to regular old Jesse and the Rippers.

It's the next day and Mrs. Wiltrout (did Michelle even notice that her teacher's name is MRS. Wiltrout, thus implying she's married? Or is Ug too young (*cough*DUMB*cough*) to know what Mrs. means? Michelle says she's going to let them be alone and it finally dawns on Danny that this was a set-up. Mrs. W tells him that Michelle's doing well in school and he didn't need to suck up. Ug slinks back into the kitchen and asks "Are you in looooooove yet?" She is denied!

Ug runs off and Danny follows and when she says she was trying to find a new mommy, he tells her how families come in all different shapes and sizes. He goes on that blah blah what makes a family is the love they share and they're family is unique- Danny asks if any of her friends have a Joey ("No! And thank God for that" -Everyone). She asks if she'll ever get a new mommy and Danny says that maybe someday. Having seen the entire series repeatedly, I laugh gleefully that Michelle will never get a new mommy because her fug drives all potential candidates away.

"I'm sorry honey, you look very se...xy." or Double Trouble (5.1)

2008-06-11T00:28:00.000-04:00

Finally, we're moving onto Season 5. And UgTot is now being graduated to UgSnot (TM Ashley). It's the night before UgSnot's first day of kindergarten and she's too excited to sleep. Joey begins to play the harmonica for her and she runs away. I hate to be in agreement with the Ug, but, word.

Jesse is back home from his tour with the Rippers and Becky's huge and pregnant. Convenient how they filled in the whole process during the hiatus between seasons. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for that, because who wants to endure the annoying process of pregnancy on their TV. I don't need them to drag out Becky's expansion, morning sickness, et al.

It's also DJ's first day of high school and considering the time period, she look pretty cute. Kimmy is wearing a frumpy frock over her sluttacious (TM Mo'postrophe'Nique) dress.

Jess directs Becky down the stairs as if he's guiding a Mack truck into a parking spot. If only Becky beeped when she backed up. Bwah! They start bickering and make sure to argue using perky, upbeat voices and so that they don't allow the baby to hear or absorb any of their anger.

Stephanie is pumped because her teacher this year is rumored to be a total hottie. Michelle's nervous because she sucks and Joey tries to give her some tips for making new friends. It's pretty clear that Joey wasn't too popular in his youth because his suggestion for Michelle is to put her hands to her head simulating antlers and talk to people in the Bullwinkle voice. This is a doubly stupid idea as Michelle can't even properly imitate Bullwinkle's voice so she just comes off as mildly (?) retarded.

Joey and Danny accompany Michelle to kindergarten and see her off into the classroom. She goes up to several of the children and attempts the Bullwinkle greeting. To the surprise of no one, it fails to wow any of the other children. In fact, it even prompts Teddy to call her weird. Word, Teddy. UgSnot's all forlorn and ditches out of the classroom to find Stephanie. And like, way to supervise your class, kindergarten teacher. Not even noticing that one of your kids slipped out the door. Michelle's lost in the shuffle in the hallways of the elementary school and the bell rings and she's left wandering alone. HAHAHAHA!

Jesse and Becky are at the doctor's office and are stunned when it's revealed that Becky's having twins. They don't even process the information at first and do a double take of sorts. They are completely floored. I'm filled with dread because I know this is one step closer to the addition of the abominations known as Nicky and Alex to the Tanner clan.

UgSnot finally manages to find Stephanie's classroom and promptly embarrasses her by calling her teacher a babe. Stephanie asks her teacher to be excused so that she can return her sister to kindergarten. She brings her back to her classroom and the teacher's all "Oh there you are Michelle, we missed you!" Clearly. That's why you worked so hard to find the missing child in your class, right bitch? Suspend her teaching license! Granted, if I were a teacher and Michelle was in my class, I would also look the other way if she happened to go missing. Stephanie shows the class the wonder of a properly executed Bullwinkle greeting. She manages to somehow integrate her trollish sister into the class. Stephanie's too awesome for words, Michelle is not worthy.

Back at the house, Jesse tells the guys the big news and Danny and Joey congratulate him on the twins. Jesse's a little concerned about the prospect of double duty and it's time for another awesome daydream sequence. This one involving the evil twins of Danny and Joey. Danny's evil twin is the messy scumbag, Manny Tanner. Joey's evil twin has a slicked back tuft of a ponytail and wow, I didn't think Joey could be any more fug, but there we go. Just then, Comet darts through the kitchen followed by another Golden Retriever. Jesse takes this as his cue to take a nap.

Later, Jesse confides to Michelle (seriously, why the hell does this grownass man always discuss his issue with a child!?! And not just any child, but the moronic UgSnot?!) that he's feeling apprehensive about the babies. Michelle tells Stephanie that Jesse's apprehensive and the information is passed up the hierarchy of the family like an unfunny game of telephone. Steph tells DJ who calls for Joey, Danny and Becky to assist in helping Jesse get over his apprehension. They assure him that he's going to be a great father, and that they'll be there for him to help out and support in any way they can, and just like that, Jesse is ready to tackle fatherhood.

"Stacy Q; she's so rad!" or DJ Tanner's Day Off (1.22)

2008-06-09T00:01:00.000-04:00

As promised, I am back to blogging! And what better welcome back than an episode with a super cool guest star! It's Stacy Q! She's so rad!

DJ is dancing around her bedroom singing along to a Stacy Q song using her hairbrush as a microphone, when she is interrupted by Kimmy who comes in, turns off the music and busts out laughing at her. But, come on, who HASN'T danced around their bedroom/apartment/dorm belting out into their hairbrush? Kimmy shows DJ that she got a note to excuse her from school the next day so that she can go get Stacy Q's autograph from the mall. DJ reads the note aloud and I swear she says "Cammy" instead of "Kimmy." She asks if her mother wrote the note, and Kimmy says that she had to pay her brother $20 for it. The joke's on him, because she stole the money from his wallet.

Danny is getting ready to go to LA to cover a surfing competition for work. He provides Jesse and Joey with an extensive list of emergency phone numbers. J&J mock Danny for his paranoia and anal retentiveness. Danny goes down the line, hugging all of the girls and gushing about how much he'll miss them. He gets so carried away that he even hugs Kimmy. J&J tell the girls it's time for bed, and I'm so confused about the timeline of this show. What the hell time is it that Kimmy is coming over, but it's nearly bedtime? Right before he walks out the door, DJ asks Danny if he minds if she gets an autograph from Stacy Q. He says he doesn't mind at all, so she asks if he'll sign a note excusing her from school. Danny says no, and DJ attempts to argue that Kimmy can do it, so why can't she. Danny awesomely replies that there's a lot of things about Kimmy that he doesn't understand. Bwah! DJ insists that if she doesn't get Stacy Q's autograph, she'll die! She refuses to hug Danny, and instead sticks out her hand for a handshake and sternly says "Goodbye father." Danny laughs and pulls her in for a hug, then leaves. Kimmy is sympathetic and sorry that DJ didn't get the note signed, but DJ is determined and vows that she's not giving up yet.

Jesse is playing guitar in his room and singing a horrible song with idiotic, nonsensical lyrics. DJ comes in and pretends to love it and begins some hardcore sucking up. Jesse calls her on it, but is so flattered that whatever it is she's trying to get, he'll give it to her. Ugh, that sentence came off way dirtier than inteneded. DJ tells him that she's writing an essay for school about the person she admires most and says that she chose to write about him. Amazingly enough, Jesse buys this crock of shit, and she begins her interview by asking if Jesse ever ditched out of school. He tells her how he once cut school to go to the Rolling Stones' 5th or 6th farewell tour. Aren't concerts usually at nighttime? Would he really need to skip school for that? Sorry, nitpicking. DJ gets the specifics of his master plan and peaces out. Jesse can't believe that's the extent of the interview, so she asks what his favorite color is. For those of you assembling the FH trivia game at home, Uncle Jesse's favorite color is black.

The next morning, DJ is taking the necessary steps to dupe Joey with her fake illness. She creates the illusion of a fever of 101, a hot forehead, icy hands and moans that she's "siiiiick" (that's sick with 5 i's). Stephanie yells for Joey and tells him DJ's sick. DJ feigns a desire to go to school because she has a big test on "C-c-c-Canada." Joey leaves to go call the school, and DJ remarks to herself how "rad" she is.

Next scene DJ is bounding through the kitchen sporting warm hands and a cool head, ready and willing to go to school. Joey thinks he's got her all figured out. He thinks she was never sick to begin with and felt guilty for her deception so she was now willing to go to school. Well, you're about half right. DJ leaves and goes with Kimmy to go meet Stacy Q. She DOES seem pretty rad. She tells the girls "See you soon!" and DJ and Kimmy excitedly squeal "She wants to be our friend!" Suuuure. Just then, who should enter the store but Joey toting Ug on a leash (good to see the Tanners obey leash laws on their ugly mutt!). Naturally, Ug has to ruin DJ's master plan by crawling over to where her and Kimmy are crouched and hiding. And God DAMN is she a fugly toddler. I am literally disgusted by her.

Joey is furious, he came down to get DJ an autograph because he was so impressed with her honesty. He seizes her autograph and clips the leash onto her jean jacket and leads her out, to her major humiliation. That is pretty brutal. Joey calls Jesse home from work early citing an emergency. Jesse is unimpressed with the reason of "DJ cut school." Joey is outraged at the deception and Jesse isn't really buying it until he realizes that he unwittingly provided DJ with her master plan. When he realizes that he was duped by her story about an essay on the person she admires most. Both men come to the conclusion that DJ is a conniving little sneak. That's pretty harsh language for the FH universe. On a much more shallow note, I must comment how extremely foxy Jesse's looking in his exterminator uniform rocking a backwards red baseball cap. Hott.

Jesse begins lecturing the delinquent DJ and catches himself when he realizes that he's echoing the words of his father. J&J go back and forth trying to one-up each other with more extreme punishments and end up coming up with no television, music or friends over for a month. DJ laments that she hates herself for breaking the trust of Danny and the guys and to me, this scene reeks of insincerity and another scheme on her part... especially because it totally gets her off the hook. The guys even go so far as to vow to keep her misdeed a secret from Danny.

And just then, Danny returns home from LA speaking surfer and within a matter of moments, Stephanie completely blows their cover by asking DJ how she's feeling. The guys tell Danny that DJ was sick in the morning, but went off to school when she was feeling better. Again, Stephanie blows it by saying that she got all of DJ's homework from her teachers since she missed school. This is what bugs me, and I know it's for plot, but two grownass men and a proven conniver couldn't have thought of this as the cover story: DJ was sick in the morning, and started feeling better later in the afternoon, but by that time it was pointless to send her back to school. Maybe I'm just a far better liar than the Tanner clan.

Stephanie is particularly hurt by DJ's lies and betrayal, because she made her a Get Well card and was genuinely concerned for her sister's health. In retaliation for DJ's deception, she begins work on a Get Sick card. Bwah. I should start sending those out to my enemies. Danny comes in and launches into a classic Tanner lecture and tells DJ that the worst part of her lies was not just cutting school or tricking Stephanie, but that she acted selfishly and without any regard for all of the people who may have been hurt by her lies. Danny says that no matter what, he'll always love all of his girls the same, but then adds "I wish Michelle was here, she's my favorite!" He's laughing when he says it, so he's obviously joking, but it's so out of character for Danny to make a comment like that. Not to mention that Michelle is a big ball of ugly sucktitude. And the episode ends on that weirdly inappropriate remark, something I found that really odd.

Lo siento

2008-06-04T15:14:00.003-04:00

Sorry I've been such a slagass as of late. Personal drama and the like has made it hard to motivate myself to blog. But with Tiff and snappleaddict on hiatus, I promise to get my butt into gear and resume blogging. Mad props to Fear Street and BSC Revisited for carrying the torch and entertaining me on a consistently regular basis.

I promise June to be much more bountiful and blogariffic!

The Birth of the Tanner Twister, or Stephanie Plays the Field (4.22)

2008-05-22T15:00:00.002-04:00

Danny comes in with an armful of groceries and for some reason enlists the assistance of Ug to unload. She spies a package of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and tries to sneak away with them. He totally busts her and it's all sunshine and giggles and once again, the opening scene causes me to die a little inside.

Danny's polishing baseball bats with Rusty and ew, that sounds wicked dirty. Stephanie comes in with a boy and they are followed by DJ, whom Stephanie's apparently been ignoring the entire walk home. Stephanie is all google-eyed as she introduces the strapping young lad as "My Brett." She quickly corrects herself and explains it's her friend Brett who plays for the Cubs with a batting average of .421 with 6 stolen bases and one error that was the result of when a ball hit a rock and therefore it wasn't really his fault. Rusty is on the rival Giants and begins talking smack to Brett until Danny sends Brett away. Danny tells Rusty that he's going to teach him the fine art of how to slide without getting dirty.

Girl talk upstairs! Steph asks DJ how to tell if Brett likes her and says that her heart beats "Brett Brett, Brett Brett." She asks DJ for advice and she suggests that they hang out together and see if there's romantic prospects. Stephanie asks how it's possible that with all of this sage advice and experience, DJ doesn't have a boyfriend. DJ explains that she's been playing hard to get, and Steph deadpans, "Oh. Well you're going a really great job."

Jesse and Becky are ready to break in their new apartment, formerly known as Danny's attic, now to be known as the "attipartment". Jesse unveils the piece de resistance: the bed that comes out of the wall. Becky remarks, "Oo, that is really tacky... but I love it." You would, you kinky Nebraskan freak! Just then they are interrupted by a troll who greets them, "Hello Mr. and Mrs. Katsopolis." That's right, it's Ug. Jesse sarcastically replies, "Oh goody, Michelle's here." Ha! That's how I feel every time she enters a scene too! Jesse and Becky try to gently tell her that they want to be alone, and Michelle looks around the empty attipartment and says that they are alone, silly. Jesse launches Michelle into the air under the guise of playing airplane and lands her outside the door, closing and locking it behind her. Obviously, I'd be annoyed as shit too, but uh, this is kind of the reason why you don't move back home after you get married, fuckwit.

Michelle is still outside the door hollering, and eventually concedes, "Fine! I'm leaving... but you're gonna miss me!" Somehow... I doubt it. She stomps into Joey's room where he's working on filing his taxes and apparently he owes a shit ton of money. He's contemplating the likelihood of being able to write off $10K citing "business dinners at the Sizzler." Whoa, hold up there Gladstone: YOU DROPPED $10K AT THE FUCKING SIZZLER??!?!

Time for everyone's favorite Milkman segue into a real life, not necessarily related anecdote. There's this dude I worked with and he had a really shitty car that was always breaking down and even though he made the most money out of all of us, he somehow couldn't manage to pay for either a new car, or to fix his old car to get it back on the road. This was confusing to the rest of us, until one day one of his friends got drunk and told one of the big workplace blabbermouth bitches that the reason he was so in debt was because he spent $3000 renting porn on his cable bill. The worst thing is that they were all "Daddy's Little Girls." He dropped 3 THOUSAND DOLLARS renting the same porn over and over again (and a few others, I'm sure). Dude, just spend 40 bucks on the DVD. Eventually he paid off his massive porn bill and got a new car and was slightly more fiscally responsible (sans the nasty Crown Royal and Coke habit), and he's since moved away, but I'll always remember the ridiculous porn bill.

Joey tries to explain to Michelle that being newlyweds, Jesse and Becky want their privacy. She asks what they want that for and Joey says they need it "to... do their taxes." Ah, the neverending slew of euphemisms for sexual intercourse. Michelle asks if they're going to be doing their "taxis" [sic, her idiot ass] every night? And Joey replies that they will for the first couple of months. And gross, does he really need to delve that far into the Katsopolis sexcapades?

In the attipartment of sin, Jesse and Becky are trying to get it on with some sexytime, and they are interrupted yet again by a knock on the door. Jesse tries to tell Michelle that they're sleeping and is startled when he's answered by Joey's voice questioning why he's talking then. Somehow, Jesse manages to turn the tables and force Joey to play with Michelle and get the Ug out of their hair.

The next day, Stephanie decides that she wants to play Little League too, in order to get closer to Brett. She throws and Rusty remarks that "the babe's got an arm." Danny takes slight offense to the reference of his young daughter as a babe, but does recognize her natural skillz and asks her to pitch for the Giants. Steph throws a nasty curve ball which Rusty dubs the Tanner Twister, the namesake of this blog. Stephanie is stoked and remarks "I love being a jock."

The next day is the big baseball game showdown between the Giants and the Cubs. Danny tells the guys how excited Michelle is because he told her she could be batboy. Now, I know this is probably going to destroy all of my street-cred, but just then Ug walks in dressed in a Batman costume and I might have actually chuckled a bit. But, I tend to think of it as laughing at her stupidity, rather than anything she did intentionally to be funny.

Brett Brett comes in to visit Steph and wish her luck before the game. He shows her that he drew an "ST" with a heart around it on his bat and declares her to be his girlfriend. Stephanie's creaming her jeans over this gesture and Brett passive aggressively mentions that he's a little afraid to face her and the Twister (cough, PUSSY, cough) and doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of his family and suggests that maybe she throw him a few easy ones. Stephanie is hesitant and Brett apparently doesn't notice her discomfort with the situation and thinks she's onboard.

It's game time. Steph's apparently pitching a great game and Joey is sitting at a table and commentating over a loudspeaker and like really? Do they need color commentary and play by plays for a little league game? Is that common practice and was I just snubbed because as a girl I played the lowly softball rather than little league baseball? Brett's up to bat and Joey has given him the moniker of "Danger Brett Davis." Last time he was up he hit a double and now he hits a homerun. I guess Steph decided to go along with the plan.

Now changed out of her Batman costume, she's now in a Giants shirt. But it's a t-shirt for the NY Giants football team rather than the SF Giants baseball team. Grrr, shit like that annoys me. Stephanie's up to bat and is thrown out at first and Jesse throws a fit arguing with the umpire until Danny tells him that she was out. Once Jesse settles down and is back in his seat, Becky promises him a snow cone if he behaves and Jesse simply replies, "I like cherry." Hee!

Naturally, the game comes down to Brett's final at-bat. She has 2 strikes on him and Joey remarks that you can cut the tension with a knife. He then covers the mic and yells for a hot dog. Stephanie signals for Danny to come to the mound and asks him to send DJ to her. Joey thinks they're bringing in another pitcher "wait no, another daughter." As DJ runs to the mound Joey profiles her as someone who "loves the mall and the beach and spends hours in the bathroom." DJ is rightfully mortified by the latter half and chastises Joey for it. Steph asks DJ what to do and DJ says that if Brett's for real, she shouldn't need to throw the game for him.

Joey comments that this game's a real nailbiter and again covers the mic, this time calling for nachos. Stephanie throws the Tanner Twister and strikes him out. Everyone rejoices and I'm sorry but that is waaaayyyyy too much excitement over a season opener victory. Stephanie is hoisted onto the shoulders of her teammates as she notices Brett kicking at the ground and looking utterly dejected, and is unable to relish in her victory. Wow, Brett's really bringing the bitchassness, isn't he?

But, all is well when Brett comes by the Tanner house to congratulate Steph on her win and apologize citing that he should have never asked her to cheat for him. Once again it's sunshine, candy and rainbows in the land of puppy love, and they go inside to watch the generically titled "Sports Channel."

"Well, I can see by the hole in the wall that it's time for me to go." or The Hole in the Wall Gang (4.21)

2008-05-08T12:04:00.004-04:00

Oops, was running errands and missed the intro bit to this episode. My guess is it probably involved Ug doing something obnoxious that only the most feeble-minded viewers would construe as "cute."

Jesse and Becky are moving back into the Tanner house and Jesse is trying to single-handedly perform all of the construction tasks to convert the attic into an apartment. He turns off the water just as Danny's about to rinse his shampoo out. When Danny complains, he squeegees his head. Hee.

They're not the only ones moving. Stephanie is moving all of her stuff back into the room she previously shared with DJ. DJ and Kimmy are experimenting with different cosmetics and Kimmy tries on some orange lipstick. It actual doesn't look as horrible as you'd imagine, it actually suits her coloring and personality, so I actually kind of like it. DJ however, vetoes it and tells her that it's a good look if she's "dating Ronald McDonald." Ouch.

Up in the attic/apartment, Jesse has successfully installed a working light switch. And it only took him 4 days. God damn. Is Jesse even a qualified electrician? I knew he was an exterminator, advertiser, and quasi-mechanic, but this trade seems a little bit out of his reach. Meh, I'll stop nit-picking... this topic, that is.

Just then Danny comes in with wet hair, apparently Jesse shut off the electricity as Danny was attempting to blowdry his hair. The DanMan begins to wonder if Jesse's purposely trying to fuck with him. Becky is getting exasperated about the length of the process of converting the attic into their new abode and convinces Jesse to let Joey assist him.

In the girls' shared room, Stephanie has redecorated her side of the room, now complete with a Nelson poster! Bwah! Afteeer the raaaainn! I can't live without your love and affection! Stephanie is also rocking the same uber hairsprayed bang-y style as DJ and a near identical outfit with a slightly different colored shirt. Stephanie has their night planned out with mature yougn women of the 90s activities: watch MTV, call boys and shave their legs! Danny thinks it's cute that they're dressed the same. DJ begs to differ.

DJ and Kimmy are going to the mall and Stephanie invites herself to tag along. DJ goes to Danny's room for a dress shirt and tie to wear, and what do you know? Avril Lavigne was scamming style tips off of DJ Tanner. I always knew she was like the biggest poser ever! Kimmy seizes this rare opportunity of being unsupervised in the TanMan's room to try and fuck with his OCD self and subtly mess up the order of his room. Stephanie naturally tries to follow and replicate DJ's outfit, and as they're playing tug of war with a shirt, they bring down the beam in the closet, knocking all of Danny's carefully organized shirts to the ground.

DJ and Stephanie grab hold of either side of the pole and argue over whose fault it is. They pull it back and forth between them and finally Steph releases it and the force throws DJ and the beam backwards and punches a hole in the wall beside Danny's dresser. DJ is horrified and asks what they're going to do. Stephanie's solution? "I know! Let's blame Kimmy!"

The girls go up to the atticpartment and ask Joey and Jesse, hypothetically, how they would fix it if Joey punched a hole in the wall. Jesse says that would never happen because he doesn't let Joey touch any tools. Finally, Jesse outlines the process for them. The girls misdirect their attention by question the level of a window frame, and while their backs are turned, Steph and DJ make a run for it with the needed supplies to patch up the hole.

Jesse orders Joey around, telling him to get electrical tape, and Joey responds doing an Igor impression. Jesse proclaims himself the king of home improvement (though I believe that crown has been firmly planted on Tim Allen's head) and declares Joey the court jester. Jesse is working on his tacky bed that comes out of the wall and manages to close himself into the wall trapped behind the bed. Fortunately for him, there's a little cabinet adjacent to the bed, that Joey opens up to mock him through.

Joey forces Jesse to apologize before agreeing to free him, and once he establishes that Jesse is truly stuck, he takes this opportunity to do something that he's always wanted to do: muss up Jesse's perfect coif.

In Danny's room, the girls have "successfully" covered the hole. The reason for the quotes is that although the hole is covered, it looks like shit. They slide all of Danny's furniture over to cover the hole, and send Ug out as a distraction to delay Danny so that they have time to rearrange the room. You never see them move the supplies out of the room and it probably reeks like paint so I don't know how they're really expecting to get away with this?

Even when faced with the most simple task, Ug fails miserably, but somehow the girls have managed to pull their moves off anyway. Her master distraction tactic? Telling Danny her phone number... with her eyes closed. Danny: "She even told me her phone number with her eyes closed... the question is, why did she?" DJ and Steph quickly come up with a story that they were in his room looking for inspiration to write a song about him. Danny's not sold and demands that they sing the song for him and they wing it:

"Dad dad dad dad,
He's our Dad, and he has a really clean room
He keeps it that way with a mop and a broom!

It's pretty heinous, and Danny's not really buying it, but he's had a hard day so he let's this excuse slide. Danny tries to place his wallet on his bureau and hang his coat on the rack, and misses due to the furniture shift. He comments that he must be a little off, and decides to take a nap. The girls leave him to rest in peace and urge him not to miss the bed.

Back in their shared room, the girls are stoked that they actually got away with something and can't believe their good fortune in Danny's fatigue inspired gullibility. They remark that the experience has brought them closer together and I'm amazed because I think this is truly the only time in the entire duration of the series that any of the girls successfully get away with doing something bad.

Michelle copies Steph and she comments how annoying it is. DJ is pretty much like "No shit, Sherlock. Now you know how I feel." DJ tells Stephanie that she's in the works to be a pretty cool teenager eventually, but until then, she should just be her cool pre-teen self and not obsess over emulating DJ's every move. Just then, Ug comes in in the same outfit as DJ and Stephanie, a pinkish long sleeve off shoulder shirt with matching socks, black biker shorts, black tank top underneath and black shoes, teased hair, dangly earrings.

Danny comes in, figured out what was amiss, someone moved baking soda in his underwear drawer. Which begs the question, why WAS kimmy in his underwear drawer?

"And now? Well, your hair's a little shorter in the back." or Fuller House (4.20)

2008-04-29T00:10:00.001-04:00

Sorry for being a total slagass, I was promoted at work and have had to put in a lot more hours training new people and shit, and I've kickstarted my social life, so I haven't had much downtime for straight up blogging. I promise to get better about it, I swear! And I'm not going to lie, this recap is a pretty UgCentric episode. But, she's pretty miserable and on the verge of tears for nearly all of it, so it's almost worth it... even though she (like always) gets her way in the end.

Holy shit! It's not a Michelle intro! Stephanie is in her room and Danny comes in to say that he talked with her teacher and apparently she needs some help with fractions. Just then they're interrupted by... Michelle. Damn you, writers! You just couldn't leave well enough alone could you? Heaven forbid we just have 1 minute of uninterrupted Danny and Stephanie face time without you thrusting le Ug onto our screens. Curse you! Anyway, UgTot's all excited because Jesse and Becky are back from their honeymoon.

The entire family bumrushes the newlyweds and they're about to watch all of the wedding/honeymoon videos, until Becky gently reminds him that they really need to pack all of his shit into boxes for the move to Becky's apartment. The family goes off to help except for Ug who is left behind looking sad. Becky notices this and asks what's wrong and she's all emo about Jesse leaving and Becky assures her that they'll still be one big happy family. She tries to convey the excitement of moving day and mistakenly gives Michelle the impression that they'll all be moving into her apartment. I'm salivating at the prospect of Michelle's impending heartbreak when she's given a dose of reality.

Joey attempts to give Stephanie a fractions lesson via cupcakes, which she passes off to Kimmy and DJ to stop the lesson in its tracks. Kimmy asks Stephanie when she's planning on moving into Jesse's old room, and DJ says that she doesn't have to move... because they'll move for her. In the room de fug, Ug is packing up all of her shit and enlists the assistance of Comet to close her suitcase.

Joey is helping Jesse transport his boxes and picks up a particularly heavy one which is filled with Jesse's hair care products. Jesse instructs him to place that box in the front seat and buckle it in tightly. Hee. Danny and Jesse reminisce about the day Jesse moved in and we're treated to a flashback from the pilot episode. In present day, Danny thanks Jesse for all that he's done to help raise the girls and tough guy Jesse softens and gives Danny a hug.

The entire family comes in and "Awww"'s at the display of affection and then Ug comes in and says that she's all ready to move. Danny explains that she's a little confused and that they're not all moving, just Jesse. She runs off and Jesse goes to explain the situation (he's married, and husbands live with their wives) and they exchange parting gifts. Jesse leaves Michelle the lone pink bunny from his room, and she gives him her stuffed pig. Then we get close-ups of each other them crying a lone tear and it's just sooooooo emo. Seriously, Uncle Jesse clutching a pink stuffed pig and crying? So lame!

Jesse and Becky are crossing the threshold of her apartment, ie. their new home together. They collapse onto the couch together, basking in the afterglow of married life and Jesse notices that it's about the time when he'd be singing Michelle to sleep. He launches into a melancholy version of "Teddy Bear" to himself and we cut to across town where Danny and Joey are singing for Ug. They obviously lack the sex appealz and singing skillz of Uncle Jesse.

The next day at breakfast, Danny puts down a heaping plate of golden delicious looking pancakes and Michelle grabs the entire stack towards her and says that he better make more because "these people look hungry." Hahaha, except not, you greedy pig fucker Ug. Jesse and Becky pop in to join the fam for breakfast and Jesse's all miffed that he missed Michelle being so "hilarious." I say consider yourself lucky, Jess.

Danny and Joey decide to use this visitation as a segue into a fraction lesson. They describe the family as being 7/7 and ask what they have left when they subtract Jesse and Becky. Turns out Stephanie isn't a complete moron and figures out that 7/7-2/7=5/7. Way to go. Becky senses that Jesse is super happy to be back in the Tanner home, and tells him that the exterminator is spraying for termites in her apartment and asks Danny if it's alright for them to spend the night in the attic. Jesse is like way too retardedly excited about this, as is Ug who is stoked to have Jesse to sing the "Teddy Bear" song to her bratty ass.

That night, Becky tells Jesse that she has a confession to make. She says that there were no termites, prompting Jesse to worriedly ask if it was silverfish, noting that he hates silverfish. I enjoy the shout out to his past as an exterminator. But no, it's not silverfish, Becky confesses that she thought Jesse could use a family reunion for the night and suggests that they convert the attic into an apartment for them to live in while they save up money for their first house. He concedes and Becky pokes her head out the door and calls for the family citing that "He went for it!"

The family runs in and gushes over how great it is to have Jesse back. And it's been like what dude? A day? Talk about a family with co-dependency issues! They have it all worked out. The guys will move their recording equipment into the basement, Joey will move into Jesse's old bedroom and that means... Stephanie is moving back in with DJ. Steph turns to her big sis with a shit-eating grin and proclaims "Honey, I'm home!" DJ is less than thrilled but sucks it up because to her, it's worth it to have Jesse back.

Jesse is feeling all warm and fuzzy inside and declares he's the luckiest man in the world. Um... okay. Keep on thinking that. Ug waddles over and hangs up the pig picture on the attic and declares that now it's officially Jesse's new home. She tells the guys to hit it and the entire family launches into "Teddy Bear" and I know they're all smiles and shits and giggles right now, but if this shit were real, you know Becky would be over this shit and Jesse's creepy overly involved relationship with Ug in like 3 days.

"Yep, he's clean... as a doornail." or A Fish Called Martin (4.17)

2008-04-15T16:03:00.001-04:00

Jesse and the Rippers are rehearsing in the living room with special guest guitarist, UgTot Tanner. Gee, I can't imagine why the band kicks Jesse out later on in the series when he pulls stunts like these. They play" Doo-Waa Ditty" featuring Michelle on backing vocals. Once they're done, she does some Celine Dion chest thumps and demands they play "I'm a Little Teapot." Why? Why do these grown ass people kowtow to a 4 year old? Ridiculous!

Jesse and Becky are macking on the living room couch, eagerly awaiting their upcoming wedding. Becky drops the bombshell that in her family, they have a tradition of doing a square dance and Jesse is firmly against the idea. Joey, Danny and Michelle come in from a day at the carnival with Michelle toting a goldfish she won. At 25 cents a throw, it only cost Danny $18.50. They ask where DJ and Stephanie are, and Danny says DJ is out saying goodbye to a boy she met at the carnival and he sent Stephanie to spy on them.

On the stoop DJ's chatting with Bobby, a dude who wears his hat perched oddly atop his head. He's a total gearhead (that's the slang for someone who's obsessed with cars, right?) so DJ feigns interest in cars. When asked her favorite she replies "red." Hee. Bobby says that he'll call her tomorrow to talk about cars. Bo-ring. Stephanie mocks DJ's pitiful display and rightfully so.

Joey is helping Ug set up her fish in a bowl and asks whether it's a boy or a girl. She doesn't know, so he asks what the fish's name is, and she settles on Martin. He gives Michelle some tips for taking care of her fish and she takes off to take him for a walk.

Becky corners Jesse in his room and tries to give him a square dancing lesson. Thankfully, he's saved by the interruption of DJ asking to borrow his car magazines. She pretends that she suddenly developed an interest in cars and wants to expand her horizons with a new hobby and finally fesses up that it's because of a boy. Becky says that you shouldn't pretend to like something to impress someone you're interested in. Jesse asks if that means he doesn't have to square dance. Becky the hypocrite says that's different, as she doesn't care if he hates it, he's going to have to do it regardless.

We see Michelle putting all of her bath toys into a freshly drawn bubble bath. Joey comes in and lectures her that she knows she isn't supposed to take a bath by herself. She replies that she's not, and Joey notices the empty fishbowl and it dawns on him that Michelle put Martin in there. He frantically tries to scoop him out in time but he's too late. Michelle is an r-tard and says that she was trying to keep him clean, as Joey told her, and thinks the fish is sleeping. Joey doesn't have the heart to tell her yet, so he goes to Danny and Jesse.

After much delay, the men finally sack up and go to break the news to Michelle about her fish. Jesse and Joey are unable to drop the bomb, so it's up to Danny. He tells her that Martin died, and when she asks why, Joey tells her it was the bubble bath. Danny takes the bowl to give him a burial at sea. Ug asks if Martin's being sent to the ocean, to which Jesse replies, "...Eventually." Bwah.

The next day the guys have a surprise for Michelle. They have purchased her a new pet fish named Freddy who lives in a legitimate tank with gravel, a filter and "a live-in snail that cleans the tank three times a week." Ug's hesitant to own another fish, so Jesse says that it will be the family fish and stay down here, so the responsibility isn't on her. Danny assures her that the fish will live a long long time. Jesse asks how he can promise that, and Danny shows him he's got a stash on replacements lined up should Freddy meet an untimely demise.

Stephanie is quizzing DJ on cars for her phone call from Bobby. She asks how many cylinders are in a 1966 Ford Mustang. She replies 300. Actual answer: 8. Stephanie throws her a bone asking how many questions she's gotten right. The answer: None! Ding ding ding! She finally got one right! Becky comes in and asks DJ if she wants to square dance and she says she's busing cramming for her phone call. Becky tells her she doesn't have to pretend to like something to impress a boy and that she should just be honest.

The phone rings and DJ tells Bobby that she thinks cars are boring and cause pollution. He promptly hangs up on her. Bwah! Becky comments "Wow, you're really handling this rejection well" and is it just me, or is that a really bitchy thing to say? Re-watching, I'm really not a Becky fan. Especially with all the pre-wedding shit. Talk about a Bridezilla. Oy and just wait for the pregnant episodes...

Square dancing time! They've formed a triangle of partners, and Becky assures them that it will me much more square once her parents join them. Jesse mutters something along the lines of "you ain't kidding." Becky, Danny and Joey take turns calling out moves and it ends with them doing the Alligator on the floor and Jesse ends up cracking a smile and laughing and enjoying himself. They're all kissy and oh, I can't wait to be married, and are interrupted by the cries of Ug.

Apparently something's happening to Freddy. The family rushes in and it turns out that Freddy is a Frida and she's giving birth to a bunch of baby fish. They remove Freddy from the tank to let the babies swim around uninterrupted and congratulate Ug on her maturity by calling for the family when she saw something happening. I... guess. She says "Thank you! Thank you!" and holds up her hands in two peace signs a la Richard Nixon and it's really quite bizarre. I hate Michelle.

"Alright, a nickel! Alright, a Cheeto!" or Stephanie Gets Framed (4.16)

2008-04-11T02:40:00.001-04:00

Ug brushing her teeth. Spitting in Danny's hand. Yuck. Why? Who thought this would be cute? It's not! It's pointless... and kind of gross. Just open with credits, no one needs this inane scene!

More Ug! When will it end? She's attempting to yo-yo, but can't make it pop back up. DJ comes in and tells her that since she's opened her own savings account, she's giving her her old piggy bank. Ug brats that there's no money and DJ advises her to make cute faces (impossible, I know) and go up to people and say, "Please feed my piggy." She tries it on DJ and she gives her a quarter. Deej, I thought you were better than that.

Stephanie comes in with a note from her teacher for Danny to sign. Apparently she's been having trouble reading and her teacher suggests that she should get her eyes checked because she might need glasses. Ruh roh, nerd alert! (Save the hate mail and please note that as indicated in the photo to the left, I have glasses so just chill the fuck out, my hypersensitive bespectacled readers).

Wedding planning in the kitchen. They decide that the waiters at the reception should wear white gloves and ugh. Really? Why? Jesse thinks that was the final decision they needed to make and Becky gently reminds him that he needs to select a best man. Becky puts Jesse on the spot by calling the other guys into the kitchen and forcing him to make a decision. Jesse doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and ultimately selects Joey.

Later, Danny is singing "Hang down your head, Tom Dooley" and "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" and guilting the shit out of Jesse. They are interrupted by DJ and her token black friend Julie, running in trying to avoid Julie's cousin Steve. It turns out to be none other than "Family Matters" stud, Steve Urkel. Jesse and Danny try to derail him, and Steve totally calls Danny on his (non)best man bitterness.

Jesse tells Steve that he can't help but notice that he walks like the hanger is still in his shirt and resurrects his lecture on "the strut" from last episode. Steve begins to launch into his life story and Danny and Jesse point him in the direction of DJ and Julie because they can't take the Urkel anymore.

Joey comes in with Stephanie and her new glasses, and she's majorly bummed. She thinks that the compliments she's receiving are just because they're her family. Her self-deprecating views cause Jesse to feel some insecurities about his own dweebiness in glasses. I have to say, those are some pretty fug frames she's toting, but such were the times. I can't say that my first pair was really at the height of fashion. They covered approximately 25% of my face.

DJ and Julie thought they've lost the Urkel, but to no avail. Ug asks Steve why he talks like Mickey Mouse, and my, she's a rude little brat isn't she? He says it's because he's from Chicago. Stephanie says she doesn't feel like having company, so Steve herds the girls out. He hangs behind to give her a pep talk about the wonders of spectacles. He says that in a class of 30, "there may be 15 or 20 misguided souls" who'll mock her glasses. Heh.

Jesse tries sucking up to Danny by offering to go clean grout with him. Danny knows he's just trying to be nice, and Jesse calls Joey into the room. He says he made a mistake and should have asked both of them to be his best men to begin with. They're mondo stoked that neither one has to be the dreaded head usher.

At school, Stephanie's teacher totally calls her out at Silent Reading time by announcing to the class that she got new glasses. After being put on center stage, Steph tries to deflect the attention off of her new glasses by busting out some joke glasses and making light of the situation before anyone can mock her. Her teacher gets pissed and it's like, come on lady, you know how kids are. Let her do what she needs to to save face.

Michelle's hunting for change in the sofa and finds a stale ass cheeto that she eats. Ewwww, gross. She hears the ice cream truck and desperately tries to get her money out. Dj tells her that she's supposed to be saving, not spending, and tells her there's some fudgsicles in the freezer. She whines that it's not the same. Fuck you bitch, I love fudgsicles! Joey comes in asking if he heard the ice cream truck, and DJ tells him that he just missed them. She also offers up the fudgsicles, and he complains that it's not the same.

Joey pops his head into Stephanie's room to see what she's up to. She's writing lines for school that read: "I will not disrupt the class." Joey asks what that's all about and she says she wanted to beat the kids to the punch and make it so she was laughing with them, and they weren't laughing at her. She tells him he can get his joke glasses back at the end of the school year. Joey makes her take a good look at herself in the mirror and shows her that she doesn't look that terrible, and that glasses give her an air of maturity.

I dunno, I still think those frames are pretty fug.

"These leather pants really ride up." or Ol' Brown Eyes (4.15)

2008-04-05T14:55:00.000-04:00

Before I begin my recap, I just want to direct your attention to my rapidly expanding list of "Blogs that don't suck" on the left hand side of the page. Even though I've gotten a lot better about consistently posting as of late, I've added a few more gems for you to peruse for those lapses in FH recaps. Those are: BSC Revisited, Fear Street, Saved By the Bell and now, for something completely different, The First Year Teacher. Enjoy these other blogs, but don't forget about me! I'm needy!

Onward with the recap-y goodness

Danny and Joey are sitting in the living room and Ug comes in singing "Loo Loo (Skip to my Loo)" and, because she's a total r-tard, doesn't know how to skip properly. Joey and Danny attempt to teach her how to skip, and Jesse comes down and gives all three a look of disdain. His advice to the fugly one? Skip the skipping and master the art of the strut. He demonstrates his own swagger and I swoon.

Stephanie has hidden Ug's doll and is telling her to find it via the Hot and Cold game. Way to go Steph! Finally, some pay back. As Ug begins searching, Stephanie gives her cooler and cooler temperatures until finally Ug reaches sub-Arctic temperatures, and when Steph questions her, she explains she wanted a cookie first. It's kind of hilarious what a pig Michelle was supposed to be when compared with how totally angular and ano the Olsens are today.

Jesse is in the living room planning out his wedding ring engravement. He wants to do all the lyrics of "Fools Rush In" until Joey reminds him they charge by the letter. Jesse settles on "Love Me Tender" instead. Becky comes down and asks Jesse if he's ready for some no-whining tuxedo shopping. He starts to go off on a whining tangent, and is cut off by a stern look from Becky. Homegirl's got his balls in a satchel that she probably keeps tucked away in a fanny pack.

DJ comes in finalizing plans for the fundraiser for her school newspaper. It's going to be at the Smash Club and feature Joey's comedy and Jesse's band. She urges Danny to keep his MC bits to a minimum as to not distract from the actual entertainment. Ouch. Burn. She goes off to Kimmy's and Danny laments that DJ doesn't find him to be "groovy." He plots to sing a song with Jesse's band.

Ug comes in wanting to play Hot and Cold and the entire family bails out like the room's on fire, making up lame excuses all the while. Left alone to her bratty devices, Ug spies their wedding ring, and remarks that they'll miss this if she hides it and then does an evil cackle. Little shit.

Later, Joey's freaking out looking for the ring and Michelle reveals that she hid it and instead of threatening to punish her, he lowers himself to playing her stupid game. Because it can't be said enough, I hate Michelle.

Danny comes out clothed in black leather and rocks out to The Who's "My Generation." Aside from some of his stage antics, the actual singing isn't that bad. You can see the Stamos cracking up in the background because of Saget's dance moves and it's a pretty awesome scene. DJ and Kimmy come in towards the end of the number and DJ is horrified to hear that Danny was planning on doing that performance in public, in front of all of her friends. Kimmy corrects her, "You mean, FORMER friends."

Danny's upset that his singing embarrassed DJ and the always helpful Kimmy Gibbler is still standing by to remind him that the clothing and the dancing probably didn't help either. She goes upstairs to help DJ pick up the pieces of her life. Danny and Jesse go talk in the kitchen, and Danny reminisces of a time that his father came to join him and his friends in tossing the football around, and he threw like a girl so Danny was forced to tell everyone that he hurt his arm in the war.

Danny goes to talk to DJ and tells her that he's not going to sing at the fundraiser, because he knows how she feels and doesn't want to embarrass her. DJ now feels bad for crushing her dad's dreams to sing onstage.

Downstairs, Joey is playing hot and cold with Michelle to find Jesse's ring and she leads him to the cookie jar. Only there's no ring in there. Joey is freaking out and insists that Michelle take him on a tour of everywhere she went with the ring that day. As he's crawling on the ground behind her, Jesse comes in and asks what they're up to. Joey tries to play it off, and Jesse persists that it looks like Joey is searching for something. Joey tries to deny it, but of course Ug pipes up that they're looking for a ring.

Jesse then puts Joey out of his misery by revealing that he already found the ring in the cookie jar, and Joey is relieved. My, that was an uneventful subplot.

Fundraiser. Jesse's band is playing and Kimmy hops onstage to dance with the irrepressibly hunky Uncle Jesse. He calls for security and has her hauled offstage. Kimmy tells DJ that the fundraiser was a success, Joey was funny, Jesse's band was great, and Danny barely said anything. Danny is about to wrap up the show, and calls DJ to the stage to give her props for organizing the event. She asks who'd like to hear one more song from the Rippers... with Danny as lead singer. He dedicates the song to her, and busts out in a Tanneriffic version of "My Girl." Aw, makes me think of my Dad, who used to sing that to me and my sister. Make no mistake about it, except for that choice in song, my Dad has very little in common with Danny Tanner.

Everyone gets up and dances, and DJ goes to give Danny a hug and aww, so nice. See Danny? You guys should always favor DJ, not Michelle. All that brat does is hide important things and eat cookies and "owce cweam."

"Mmm it's wet and cold and... that's about it." or Shape Up (4.8)

2008-04-02T16:32:00.000-04:00

Blah blah, Ug woke up Uncle Jesse so he could give her her favorite cereal Fiber Bears, which appears to be a bowlful of chocolate Teddy Grahams (Side note: Mmmmmm I LOVE chocolate Teddy Grahams with a nice tall glass of icy cold milk, but I digress...). Turns out that Ug only wanted the cereal to retrieve the prize awaiting inside. I can't help but feel that this plot device has been recycled about 6 different times throughout the series. Haw Haw we get it, sometimes kids just want products for the prizes and gimmicks and not for the taste. Got it. She tells Jesse to make her two eggs over easy, and he's all "I'll over easy you!" and blah blah incest-cakes.

DJ's working on a collage birthday card for Kimmy and munching on some Entemens cookies in her room and Stephanie comes in toting her brand new recorder. Man, I used to love rocking out on the recorder in elementary school. She asks DJ is she has a request to which Deej replies, "Yes. Don't play." Stephanie launches into "On Top of Old Smokey" but one of the notes is coming out sharp and off-key. More on that later. Kimmy comes in with an invitation to her surprise birthday party that she's throwing for herself at the Excelsior Hotel where her brother Garth is a bellboy. DJ is miffed that Kimmy's having a pool party in the middle of November because she doesn't feel like she has a banging bikini bod a la Kimmy. Um, no comment.

DJ tapes up photographs models on the refrigerator as motivation and Becky comes in and inquires in a concerned tone if she's trying to lose weight. She just tells her that she needs to eat sensibly and cut out the junk food. Cue Jesse coming in with a boxful of cake samples for the family to try to weigh in their opinions for which kind of chocolate cake they should get for the wedding. DJ declines the offer of cake in favor of a delicious frozen water pop. Mm ice cube on a stick.

Ug can't resist the temptation to chow down on some cake, and piggishly lunges across the table and begins grubbing up all the cake. Nobody stops her of course, because Michelle can do whatever the fuck she wants, and she destroys all of the samples in a matter of seconds, and when asked which cake she preferred, simply replies "Chocolate." Great, except there were about a dozen different chocolate varieties. It's supposed to be cute and funny, but it just pisses me off because what a waste. Stupid shit.

It's weigh-in time, DJ's least favorite time of day. Stephanie offers her some weigh-in music, more "On Top of Old Smokey" with the one sharp note. DJ is bummed to learn that over the course of two days she's only lost half a pound. Jesse comes in and tells Stephanie to have mercy on his ears with her off-key recorder stylings. He offers to show her how to properly play it, but the note comes up sharp for him. Just then, Ug comes in to bitch about the "music", and Jesse blows into the recorder full force and shoots out a piece of chewed gum onto Ug's forehead! Bwah! That scene alone makes this episode amazing. Jesse tells DJ that she doesn't need to diet, and she should just hit up the gym if she wants to lose weight.

The next day, DJ and Kimmy come in and Kimmy shows off her new bathing suit for the party. It's a loud printed bikini and Danny comments that the suit matches the wearer's personality. He gives DJ a sandwich because she missed lunch, and once he's out of the room, she tries to pawn it off on Kimmy. We see Stephanie lurking on the stairway as Kimmy complains that the sandwich is ham again. She says that she's been eating her lunch for the past week and every day it's ham. She asks if Danny hit a pig with his car or something. She leaves and DJ feeds the sandwich to Comet and then Stephanie comes down to bust her. She says that she hasn't been eating breakfast or lunch for 3 days and voices her concern. DJ makes Stephanie pinkie swear promise to not tell anyone that she hasn't been eating and tells her that she'll start eating again after the pool party.

The next day the entire Tanner clan hits up the gym. Danny tells DJ to take it easy and start on level one. Becky and Stephanie go to their aerobics class, and the guys take Michelle to the kiddie gym. As soon as she's left alone we see DJ change the difficult level from 1 to 75 on a machine with skill levels of 1-100.

The guys see the crew of hot ladies attending aerobics class and decide to give it a shot. They can't hack it and make for a pretty pathetic display. And that was just the warm-up. Stephanie goes to grab DJ to show her the hilarious display, and we see her working it on the Stairmaster dripping with sweat. She gets off the machine and immediately stumbles and falls to the floor. Stephanie panics and yells for Danny who comes running. The guys give her water and take her home.

That night, it's dinner time and DJ comes down refreshed from a nap. She claims she just brushed her teeth and doesn't want to taste Joey's cooking and then tries to duck out by saying she's eating dinner at the Gibbler's. As the family continues to prod and ask questions, DJ's demeanor becomes more irritable. Stephanie finally tires of the lies and steps up to break the pinkie swear and tells Danny not to believe her. She tells him that DJ is cranky and got dizzy at the gym because she hasn't eaten for 3 days. The family immediately jumps in concern and tries to tell DJ that what she's doing is unhealthy and is the stepping stone to a more serious eating disorder and inflicting serious damage to herself.

She runs uptairs with Danny in tow. She cries that she doesn't look like a model, and complains about her round face and "Charlie Brown cheeks." I actually snorted and laughed out loud at that assessment because that's one of the most bizarre comparisons I've ever heard. Charlie Brown cheeks, wha? Danny tells her that she's beautiful and that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. She says she doesn't want to wear a bathing suit in front of her friends, and he asks her if she judges her friends based on how they look in a bathing suit. He tells her that her friends love her for who she is, and not how she looks, and makes her promise to eat healthy and exercise in a safe and responsible manner. She agrees, they hug, and if only eating disorders were that simple to conquer.

"I love it when you talk clean to me." or Terror in Tanner Town (4.10)

2008-03-31T23:31:00.001-04:00

Same shit, different episode. Becky's having Jesse try on a tux with tails and a top hat as part of the process of selecting wedding attire, and who should they ask to weigh in with her expert opinion? None other than fug. Naturally, that's the person I would go to for fashion advice. She tells Jesse he looks very handsome (repeating the line Becky fed to her earlier) and she tries on the top hat and comments that he has a big head. Becky passive aggressives a "you got that right", and roll those credits.

The back doorbell rings and it's an attractive blonde woman dropping off Danny's drycleaning. She informs him that she got the mustard stain out by marginizing, and that's enough to give Danny a boner (hey, it doesn't take much), and they kiss. Turns out this woman is Cindy, Danny's new girlfriend and Danny comments how much he prefers her to his former dry cleaner, Julio. He says she should bring her son Rusty over to meet the family, and Cindy tries to tell him that he hasn't been adjusting well post-divorce, but Danny is persistent and insists upon forcing their families to meet (prematurely).

Danny is prepping the family to meet Cindy, and arranges them from the tallest to smallest and Jesse asks if they're in a Julie Andrews movie. This prompts the family to spontaneously burst into bits from "Doe, a Deer." They continue the song for Cindy and Rusty. Over lunch, Danny tells Cindy about Jesse and Becky's engagement and she asks where they're getting married, and apparently they haven't settled on a location, she wants Nebraska, he wants Graceland and haven't they had this argument like 500 times during the course of their relationship with regards to holidays, etc.?

Cindy gets a page and goes to call work, and do dry-cleaners really need to be on-call? Suddenly, once Cindy leaves, strange things keep happening at lunch. Someone unscrewed the top off of the salt shaker, punched a hole in the milk carton, tucked the tablecloth into Danny's pants. Jesse and Danny are quick to look to Joey to blame for these pranks because apparently he has a history of doing such things... especially at the Sizzler. In the girls room, Rusty gives them trick gum and reveals that he was behind all of the pranks and like, ew, really? He tucked the tablecloth into Danny's pants, that's pretty... yikes. His motto is: If you fall for it, you deserve it. I'm inclined to agree.

Danny comes in and says Cindy wanted Danny to put Rusty in a taxi and send him to the cleaners because she was going to be tied up all afternoon, but Danny insisted upon keeping the little bugger around, much to the chagrin of DJ and Stephanie. He invites Rusty to toss the ol' pigskin around in the backyard, and DJ and Stephanie make a pact to not tattle on Rusty, only because Danny likes Cindy so much.

Rusty spouts some BS about Danny being his idol a la Joe Montana, and aims his pass towards a mud puddle that Danny dives into. He walks up looking like he lost a battle with one of Michelle's diapers and cuts the game short to hit the showers.

Jesse and Becky are arguing about wedding plans, he doesn't want to have a stuffy formal event at a 4H club and she doesn't want to get married in the world's largest souvenir stand. Jesse wants to have their wedding song be "Jailhouse Rock" which Becky is completely against, but SPOILER they actually DO end up having their first dance to a balladized version of "Jailhouse Rock" sung by Jesse himself, so YOU LOSE, Becky! Eventually in all their bickering, they realize that they are both in agreement about serving chicken and are ecstatic over finding some common foundation to build their wedding plans off of.

Rusty busts in on them as they're kissing and yells "Whoa! Tongue Town, USA!" He attempts to mess with Jesse's hair products and Jesse tells him he's aware that he's behind all the pranks and sends him on his bratty way. Rusty tied the doorknobs of Jesse and the girls' rooms together with a jump rope so that none of them can get out. He stands in the hallway smirking as we hear the cries of Jesse, Becky, DJ and Stephanie hollering his name.

Rusty tries to trick DJ and Stephanie with his kaleidoscope and they tell him to sod off while they go give Comet a bath. They're even gracious enough to offer to share some of their flea powder with him. Ug wanders downstairs and uses the kaleidoscope leaving a ring of black ink or paint around her eye. Rusty uses the roast planned for dinner to lure a soap covered Comet to run through the house, followed by DJ and Stephanie.

Danny hears all of the yelling and commotion and comes down to see what's going on, and he is hesitant to believe that Rusty was behind all of the tricks, until he takes the towel off of his head to reveal that his hair's been dyed green. He sits Rusty down, and Rusty says that he knows Danny just wants to be "friends" with Cindy and not him, and that he thinks his mom and dad are getting back together. Danny's pretty much like "Nope. Not gonna happen" and I'm actually pretty surprised at the lack of sensitivity Danny shows here. He's not completely callous, more matter of fact, but maybe I'm just sensitive because I'm a child of divorce. I mean, even if him and Cindy had discussed at length how over her marriage was, and despite how much Danny wants to be with her, it's not his place to lay it down like that for Rusty.

Cindy comes in and finds out that Rusty was up to no good, although Danny did try to cover Rusto's ass and didn't rat him out. She assumes that Danny doesn't want to see her again, and Danny says that it will take more than a green head to keep him from wanting to see her... and Rusty. Yup, he's even willing to put up with the little turd burglar. That's how badly Danny Tanner needs to get laid.

The girls are enjoying ice cream sodas and have made one for Rusty. He's somewhat wary of their generosity and decides he's better off making his own beverage because he suspects they snuck some dog food into his. They direct him to the large cupboard to get a glass where Ug is waiting with a can of whipped cream and she sprays Rusty down. DJ and Stephanie each pick up a can and join in the assault, leaving him covered. Rusty vows that this means war, and the girls are like bring it, and Rusty's all, it's already been broughten! Or maybe that was "Bring it On"... either way, truly a waste of whipped cream.

"What's for lunch, Bitterman?" or Good News, Bad News (4.5)

2008-03-30T16:39:00.001-04:00

We open with Joey trying to teach Michelle a knock knock joke. She doesn't get it for two reasons: One being that she's an idiot, the other being that the joke sucks. It goes, when executed properly, as follows:
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo Who?
Don't cry, it's only a joke!

Just then Danny knocks on the door and call out Knock Knock. Ug tries to use the joke and Danny feigns being hurt over her not knowing who he is, and she resorts to the punchline and why did Michelle have to learn to talk? Credits.

Michelle asks DJ to play with her because she's her favorite sister, but DJ is too busy because she was just appointed Editor of the school newspaper. Ug is unimpressed, and as soon as Stephanie walks in, she tries the favorite sister line on her. She asks her to play Shadow and Stephanie declines, but Ug doesn't need a willing participate. She begins annoying the shit out of Stephanie (and the rest of us) by mimicking everything she says. Stephanie tries to trip her up a few times, but Ug persists. Ug ALWAYS persists.

Kimmy comes in and begs DJ for a job on the paper. The only position left is Sports editor and DJ's hesitant because Kimmy doesn't know jack about sports. But, she's a sucker for Kimmy's sad puppy dog face and whimper and caves.

Jesse and Joey are hard at work at their advertising and production company. Their work involves harassing Comet and dressing him up as Stevie Wonder Dog, Spock the Vulcan Retriever and (of course) Elvis Dog. Danny and Becky interrupt Danny's now regretful business investment to let the guys know that they have their first gig... producing the television commercial for the new and improved WUSF. Discussion over the concept leads to much bickering between SanFran's favorite co-hosts and J&J consider utlizing puppets in the commercial.

At the paper, Editor DJ is collecting articles from the staff and everyone's favorite fug and Kimmy Gibbler's soulmate, Bitterman, complains that Kimmy was given sports editor over him, and that he's stuck with copying the lunch menu. Yeah. That's a pretty raw deal, Bitterman. Just need to comment on how Bitterman's looking these days. Since we last saw him, he's had a major growth spurt and has also acquired a lengthy rat tail. It's... not pleasant. Poor awkward Bitterman. The actor must love having these years of his life immortalized and captured on film. Kimmy comes in with her exclusive interview, with Robbie Hawkins, the "star" of the basketball team. Only, Robbie's just the equipment manager, the article is written on a napkin, and Kimmy forgot to mention who won the basketball game. DJ demands a rewrite, Kimmy refuses, calls her Queen of the Paper, and declares their friendship over.

Side note: Color me impressed that Bitterman knew what "nepotism" was (he accuses DJ of it because she gave Kimmy the editing job based solely on the merits of their friendship)

Stephanie tries to creep into the house quietly and avoid Michelle, but unfortunately Ug is following her tracks closely and still shadowing away. DJ can't be bothered with Stephanie's problems because she's all forlorn over her fight with Kimmy. And speak of the devil, here comes Kimmy toting what DJ thinks is a rewritten article, but is actually the first copy of The Gibbler Gazette, Kimmy's gossip rag that trashes DJ and features a picture of her head pasted on Freddy Krueger's body.

Filming on the set of WUSF, Danny and Becky are still going at it. Danny accuses Becky of being too perky and pop-tarty, and Becky criticizes Danny for being stiff and rambling. J&J talk them down, and then Danny asks why his side of the set has less light and Jesse gently tells him that it's the angularity of his face. Danny asks if he's trying to say his nose is too big, and Jesse says it's not that his nose is too big, but rather that the rest of his face is too small. Becky laughs and is kind of a bitch. They get through filming with the most passive aggressive dialogue ever and conclude with cheersing their coffee mugs and shattering them.

Stephanie and Ug go to talk to DJ and when DJ asks Michelle a question, Stephanie seizes the opportunity to turn the Shadow game around on Ug. Unfortunately she gets ahead of herself, slips up when she proclaims that she's finally free, and Ug's back at her annoying antics again.

J&J come in and say they got a great commercial, it just took 24 coffee mugs. They are closely followed by a still bickering Danny and Becky. DJ tells them how she's been fighting all day because she fired Kimmy from the paper. All of the grownups team up for a lecture on friendship and forgiveness which leads to Danny and Becky apologizing to one another. DJ isn't swayed and goes up to her room to continue writing her slanderous article on Kimmy, pondering whether or not cheese-for-brains is hyphenated.

Kimmy comes in to return things to the Tanners as this is the last time they'll ever see her. She returns Jesse's hairbrush, that appears to be full of dog hair, Joey's car keys (WTF?) and tells him he needs a new car stereo, and Danny's answering machine beeper. When Danny tells her that to borrow something usually requires permission, Kimmy laments that she'll miss his dry sense of humor most of all.

Up in DJ and Stephanie's shared room, Steph is hiding out from Michelle. She's nearly relieved that it's Kimmy at the door and not Michelle. Kimmy came to return DJ's things and get her shit back, and their bizarre exchange involves such items as an Erik Estrada CHiPs action figure, DJ's old retainer and a shrunken head. This exchange is best summarized by Stephanie: "You guys had a weird relationship." Bringing up all of these possessions also causes the girls to reminisce, and they realize that they have a lot of history and it'd be a shame to throw it all away over something so stupid.

Kimmy offers to tear up all copies of the Gibbler Gazette and DJ says that Kimmy's got a great writing style and offers her a job as a gossip columnist on the paper, and like, why the hell didn't she just do that to begin with? I know I know, there would have been no story line without the conflict, but realistically, why wouldn't that have been the first idea to pop into her head when Kimmy asked for a job on the paper? Stephanie is distraught that Kimmy and DJ have made up, but manages to trick Kimmy into falling prey to Michelle's obnoxious game of Shadow.

It's amazing to me that nobody thought to just knock Michelle's fugly ass out. If that'd been my sister, I'd have just decked her. God, that shadow game is annoying.

"I don't think you realize I'm wobbling my head right now." or Viva Las Joey (4.7)

2008-03-27T13:01:00.000-04:00

I swear, are there any episodes that don't begin with an Ug-Centric intro? It's surprising that more people didn't just instantly change the channel once Michelle Tanner invaded their screen. Anywho, this episode starts off with UgTot wandering into the kitchen whining about having an "Owie" and asking Jesse to give her a Big Bird [band aid]. The owie mysteriously jumps arms, and Michelle is revealed as a fraud! Kick her out of the family!

The phone rings, Jesse answers and it's for Joey. Joey says he's busy until Jesse tells him that it's his agent. Wait, what? Joey has an agent? Seriously. Also, please note that when Jesse's calling for Joey, he's totally hovering the phone over his crotch, like "Hey, talk to my penis." Joey comes a-running and reveals that some chimps, the Ericson chimps I believe, were infested with lice, so Joey was called in as a replacement to open for Wayne Newton in Las Vegas. Wow. That's... pretty insulting. Playing second fiddle to primates. Then again, we've all seen Joey's comedy act, so it comes as no surprise.

The whole family's stoked to go to Vegas, and Jesse tells Joey he should invite his parents, but apparently Joey's mom is goofy. No, really, she plays Goofy at Disneyland. Jesse urges Joey to invite his dad, The Colonel, and the girls leave the room before Joey says that him and his father have never really got along. Too bad DJ and Steph didn't stick around because we cut to them in their room on the phone with Colonel Gladstone, posing as Joey's personal secretaries, Janet Abdul and Barbie Dollanbear, inviting him to see Joey perform in Vegas.

Vegas time! We're treated to a Jesse and the Ripper's cover of "Viva Las Vegas" and a montage of flashing lights. The entire family is backstage before Joey's show chilling in his dressing room when Colonel Gladstone shows up, all militarial and stoic. There's an uncomfortable exchange between father and son, where the former criticizes the latter's choice in "career." The girls confess to calling him and inviting him and apologize because they didn't know that they didn't get along.

Joey's show. It's not... horrible. They cut to the family laughing a lot and we also see Colonel Gladstone standing in the back, looking confused and unamused throughout the show. Joey's act includes a few bits about Daddy Dearest, since he thought he'd left. The comedy routine ends pretty abruptly, and he receives a fair amount of applause. Suddenly the audience starts getting louder and louder and the applause intensifies and the delusional Joey thinks that it's for him. Turns out that Wayne Newton's come on stage to kick Joey off. No, just kidding, he came out to thank him for filling in on such short notice and says he was way funnier than the chimps and apologizes for the surplus of bananas in the dressing room. Ha, Wayne made a funny.

He concludes with a little "Danke Schoen" and Joey gets a little overexcited and chimes in and embarrasses himself. Backstage in the dressing room the family is celebrating Joey's success. He's on cloud nine from playing a live crowd in Vegas and singing onstage with Wayne Newton. Just then, the celebration is cut short by the return of Colonel Gladstone. Danny and Jesse herd the girls out in search of a miniature golf course and it's time for the touching father-son moment.

Colonel Gladstone tells Joey that his act was good and some parts were even funny. Joey asks if he laughed and the Colonel replies "I will... later." Ha! He apologizes for never being around much or being a pal to Joey when he was growing up, and suggests that maybe they start pal-ing around now. He reveals that when Joey was sick with chicken pox, they watched cartoons together for 2 weeks straight and he was the one who taught Joey how to do the Popeye voice, and launches into a pretty abysmal impression. Joey offers him some constructive criticism to improve his Popeye laugh, and we close on the inspirational music suggestion this relationship is on the mend... Too bad that much like nearly every other secondary character featured as a foil to any of the main characters, we'll never see or hear from the ol' Colonel again.

"You feeling alright out there?... We'll take care of that." or Just Say No Way (3.21)

2008-03-26T12:10:00.001-04:00

Jesse gives the girls some chocolate moo juice, heavy on the chocolate, easy on the moo. Joey presents Michelle with a Raffi tape and they pop it into the baby boom box as Stephanie, Danny and Joey do a little song and dance routine to "Baby Beluga." I'm pretty sure I can still sing that entire song, and I almost linked it here but didn't want to get it stuck in your heads. Jesse stops and ponders when his life reached this G-rating status.

DJ and Kimmy come in and blow through the kitchen, not stopping to talk because they have to plan the school dance. Danny asks them when they plan on doing their homework and DJ says her's is almost done... and by almost done she means almost started. Heh.

Kimmy hangs up the phone and tells DJ that they've booked DogFace, a high school band, for the dance. Apparently the dance is a backwards dance, where the girls ask the guys. Kimmy and Stephanie urge DJ to invite Kevin, but she's chickenshit, so Stephanie ends up doing it for her. She's going to kill her until she finds out that KEvin accepted. Suddenly they're best friends again.

Ug is listening to "Baby Beluga" non-stop and driving Stephanie crazy. She tells Joey to be the one to change the song, but Ug won't let him, and because everyone insists upon catering to a toddler, he gives up fairly easily. It's time for the dance, everyone coos over DJ's uber 90s black bodysuit/pantsuit with a black cropped jacket with silver accessories. It's not too heinous given the time period. Kimmy arrives and tells DJ that DogFace bailed, so DJ begs Jesse to serve as the replacement band. Kevin shows up to pick up DJ and thanks Steph for inviting him. She asks if he has any younger brothers at home for her.

At the dance, Kevin meanders over to the punch bowl and tells two other guys, Paul and Sam, how socially awkward he is, especially when compared with the social butterfuly DJ, and they tell him to follow them out to the hall. I smell trouble.

Jesse is horrified to see his backup band is the school's marching band. He calls over the mic for DJ to report to the stage immediately. He's not pleased with the arrangement and DJ begs him to give the band a chance. HE agrees because he wants to really earn his 20 bucks.

DJ introduces the band and Jesse tells her to not use any names, so she calls them the "No Names." Heh. He starts playing some "Wild Thing" and the marching band chimes in and for what it's worth, they're not really all that bad. Granted, they're no DogFace. Jesse's discomfort and embarrassment is obvious and Kimmy declares that he's not worth 20 bucks. Ouch. DJ offers the only smattering of applause as they finish the first tune.

Later in the night, Jesse's really getting into his performance, even rocking out with one of the feathered band caps, and DJ cuts him off from their finale of "Stars and Stripes Forever" by telling him that they finally found a stereo. DJ asks Kimmy where Kevin is and she goes off to find him, figuring that he was hiding from the horrific band. She finds him in the hall with his two toolish friends drinking beers in the hallway. One of the guys sprays DJ down with a can of beer and Kevin goes to get her some paper towels to clean up.

She seizes the can from the other dorks and proceeds to launch into a lecture of Danny Tanner proportions. She really is her father's daughter. Just as she's holding the beer and mockingly saying how cool it is to drink beer, Jesse comes up behind her. The other boys quickly run off and tell DJ that they're only 13 and don't want any beer. She's confused until Uncle Jesse barks out, "DJ Tanner!" She turns around and realizes what's in her hand and the music before commercial shows that she's totally in deep shit now. Uncle Jesse totally doesn't buy it when DJ says that it was the guys drinking and not her and takes her home.

Back at the house, UgTot is STILL listening to "Baby Beluga"... that is until her tape deck craps out. Bwah! She starts yelling her head off and Joey, Danny and Steph rush in. Joey goes to repair the tape deck until Steph and Danny hold him back. Ug won't stop whining, so the trio launches into another performance of "Baby Beluga." Why must people insist upon catering to a 4 year old?

Jesse and DJ come in arguing, yelling for Danny, and Danny comes down to see what all the fuss is about. Jesse tells him that he caught DJ drinking beer at the dance and DJ protests, saying that she knows drinking is stupid and wrong. Unfortunately for Deej, Danny can smell the beer that was sprayed all over her, and sends her to her room while he talks with Uncle Jesse. She's livid that Danny would take Jesse's side over his own daughter, and tearfully and angrily runs to her room.

Yeah, she smelled like beer, but it was just on her clothes. Why don't one of these guys smell her breath or take into account that she's completely lucid and not inebriated?

DJ throws herself onto her bed crying and furious that the guys didn't believe her. Stephanie comes over and asks what happened and tells DJ that she believes her. Down in the kitchen, Danny is freaking out that drinking is even an issue when DJ's only 13. JEsse and Joey tell him how things are different nowadays, and there are a lot more temptations out there for kids DJ's age. Stephanie comes down and tells the guys that whatever they are accusing DJ of, she didn't do because she was crying, and it wasn't tears of remorse, it was tears of the wrongfully accused. Danny starts to head upstairs to talk to her, but Stephanie informs them that DJ had Mrs. Gibbler pick her up to take her back to the dance to prove her innocence. Jesse takes this as a sign that everything he's saying is right, first DJ lies, then is caught with beer, and now she's sneaking out. Jesse and Danny go to the school to get to the bottom of all of this and Joey offers to stay at home and hold down the fort.

Back at the dance, Dj runs into Kimmy who tells her that Kevin and the other tools were caught with beer and their parents are on their way. Kevin finds DJ and apologizes, and she asks why he even felt the need to drink. He says that he was nervous and the tools told him it would help him loosen up. She says that she had more fun with the old Kevin, and that her father thinks she was drinking. He apologizes again, and his father comes to take him home.

On Kevin's walk out, he runs into Jesse and Danny and stops to tell Danny that it was him and his friends drinking and that DJ was trying to stop them. Jesse asks Danny to wait outside while he goes into talk to DJ and apologize for getting angry and not believing her. He explains the emotions he felt when he saw her with beer in her hand, and she understands that the situation looked bad. He says that as she gets older, she'll be faced with more difficult decisions about not only alcohol but drugs and sex (oo! They said SEX!). He laments that DJ can't stay young and innocent and be safe forever, but he hopes that down the road she'll continue to exercise the same good judgement she used tonight. They walk off together as the inspirational music concludes our very special episode.

"I fascinate you?" or Bye Bye Birdie (3.16)

2008-03-20T17:03:00.000-04:00

This episode's annoying intro entails Joey measuring how tall Ug's become. She keeps cheating by standing on her tip toes and yawn. Is this supposed to be "cute" and "funny"? It's just boring. Though my aunt totally used to measure my cousins and sister and I on the inside of their hall closet door. Memories.

The guys and Becky are tucking Michelle into bed, she's all pumped for her first day of pre-school. She wants to go now. They tell her a story about a princess' first day of school. This... isn't storytelling at its finest. Essentially Princess Michelle goes to pre-school, plays with toys, makes some friends, takes a nap, cleans up and comes home. And claims it was the best day ever.

Cue Michelle's dream sequence that involves the 4 adults acting like pre-schoolers. Ha. Danny's rocking a beanie cap, Joey is wearing a horse attached to his pants (? I don't even know), Becky is in pigtails and a sailor dress and Jesse is "Cowboy Jesse" who totally reminds me of Laurence Fishburne's character on Pee Wee's playhouse. Princess Michelle comes out and they sing a song for her and it's freaky looking because they superimposed a blown up clip of Michelle so she's the same height as the others. Weird. And creepy.

Stephanie's bothering DJ who's apparently harboring some juicy gossip. Ug comes in with unbrushed hair and her dress on backwards. DJ laughs at her, and so would I! Stephanie is in their shared room determined to find out what'sagoinon (TM Bret Michaels). She is so nosey that she ends up breaking the lock off of the diary. Jesse knocks on the door and Stephanie hurls the diary under her bed. Comet starts chewing on it, and Jesse surmises that he chewed the lock off. Stephanie thinks her ass is saved.

Danny drops Michelle off at pre-school and introduces her to her teacher, Miss Petri. We are also introduced to Aaron who is completely out of character here as he's toting the sharing crown which he received for being such a good sharer of toys. Aaron shows Michelle Dave, the class bird. The class sits down for story time, all except Michelle who tries to include Dave in on this story time goodness and opens his cage. Dave darts right out of the classroom window like a bat out of hell. Methinks they weren't treating him too well in the class. Aaron tells Michelle she's a bad girl and Miss Petri tries to play it off as an accident. No way Miss P, Ug's a bad seed!

Michelle's tossing out pieces of bread in the backyard calling for Dave. When Danny tells J&J how none of the kids would play with her in pre-school and she just sat in the corner saying "I'm a bad girl", they start wailing for Dave. Danny takes Jesse with him on a mission and instructs Joey to clean up the bread in the yard.

Stephanie is trying to superglue the lock back onto DJ's diary and gets her hand stuck in the process. I don't get why she even bothered doing that. Couldn't she have just said Comet chewed the lock off? She even had Jesse as a witness to back her up. DJ comes into their room and asks her if she wants to go to the mall with her since they haven't hung out in awhile. She'd love to, but can't on account of a diary being glued to her hand. Joey asks if the girls want to go with him and Michelle to get ice cream and Stephanie almost accepts until she again, remembers the diary and then declines.

Jesse and Danny come home with Sammy, a replacement bird for Dave. Michelle is unimpressed and refuses to go back to school. Jesse says it's okay and Danny says no dice. Jesse says he killed his kindergarten fish and has yet to get over the trauma from the aftermath of teasing. Danny tells him that they can't protect Michelle forever and she has to deal with the unpopularity. Bird or no bird, it was bound to happen. Ug sucks.

He uncovers the diary and tells Steph she's in deep shit. He manages to get her unstuck and gets himself stuck to the diary in the process. Just then, DJ walks in and thinks she's caught Joey snooping. She yanks the diary out of his hands and then Joey urges Stephanie to come clean about busting the diary. DJ asks for a moment alone to talk with her sister and says that she can't deal with her snooping, and Steph says she can't help it because she's fascinated by DJ. DJ's too flattered to stay angry and adds that she keeps all of her juicy gossip in her journal.

Danny brings Michelle back to pre-school and introduces them to Sammy. Because they're small children, they're all like "Dave who?" and are instantly smitten with Sammy. The class claps their appreciation and Aaron even gives her the sharing crown. Ug's all, "Daddy I'm the princess of fug" and tells Danny to piss off because she has friends again. He's a little sad to leave, but keeps his cool. We end with everyone gathering around Sammy's cage and Michelle telling the class not to open the cage door. Uh, no shit. Considering you were the one that did it, I'm pretty sure the rest of the class didn't share your lack of commonsense, dumbfug.

"You're the best thing to come into my life since Spray'N'Wash!" or Lust in the Dust (3.15)

2008-03-18T12:03:00.000-04:00

Jesse and Joey are working on an ad campaign for sardines. They feel that in order to convey the voice of a sardine, one must become one with the sardine... and chow down. Neither one is willing to (and can you blame them? My dad and sister were all about sardines, but they just gross me out so much! Yecch!) Joey pops on in Jesse's mouth and Jesse says he's going to kill him. They look for Joey's tape recorder which Michelle has hidden, because she's a fugass brat who likes to hide other people's things. Jesse has developed an affinity for sardines and continues chowing down. DJ comes in with the tape recorder which Ug hid in her cereal box.

Just then Danny walks in, he broke off his date with Joan/June/Jane-what's-her-name because one of her earlobes was bigger than the other. Clearly it was a true love connection, if something like that can derail it. Not to mention the fact that the rest of the family can't even remember her name. Brutal.

Karen, Stephanie's dance teacher, drops Steph off at home, saying that it wasn't a problem and it was on her way. Karen is played by the same actress who played Becky's sister Connie. Danny asks Steph what she learned in class today and she says that he still owes Karen a check for her lessons. Bwah! Karen also reminds Stephanie that she learned some killer new dance moves, which she shows off to the musical stylings of Bobby Brown and "My Prerogative." Danny tries to join in and his rhythmically challenged ways are comedy gold. Stamos looks like he's trying to fight back real laughter as he tells him that sometimes grace and coordination skip a generation.

Michelle does some stupid Ug shimmy dance, and Danny and Karen join in doing the modified form of the twist. DJ and Stephanie pick up on the flirtatious vibes between Danny and Karen and scheme to get them together after noting that her earlobes are the same size. They invite her to stay for lunch and the entire family bails so that the two budding lovebirds can be left alone. They light a candle as the finishing touch.

Danny says that he had nothing to do with this set-up but then confesses that he's had a crush on her ever since Stephanie started taking dance classes. Karen then confesses that their house isn't really on her way home. They kiss, and the girls cheer. They decide to turn this into a real date and get some dim sum (yum!). Karen loves dim sum too and Danny says they should get some. He's stoked to get some dim sum and I think that dim sum might be Danny Tanner code for poonanny.

Jesse's searching his room for his keys. Apparently he's the only one in the band who can unlock their rehearsal space. He calls the girls into interrogate them. Both DJ and Steph are clueless, so it's clear that Ug's the culprit. Didn't she already do this hiding shit back when she hid Mr. Bear? Way to recycle an unfunny story line there, writers. She reveals that she hid other items belonging to DJ and Steph (a Milli Vanilli tape and sparkly pen, respectively), and Jesse's growing impatient (and a beard) waiting for Michelle to get around to retrieving his keys.

Meanwhile, Danny and Karen are coming back from their date singing a doo-wop version of "Blue Moon." She invites him into her apartment for some coffee (ie: SEX! Looks like Danny really is going to get sum!) where it's revealed that she's a total slob. Karen weakly says that she's been so busy with work that she hasn't had time to tidy up. And like, chill Danny, we can't all be obsessive compulsive neatfreaks. They sit down to coffee and Danny can't resist the urge to clean up her apartment. He even goes so far as to fold her laundry whilst making out with Karen. If that's not a deal-breaker, I dunno what is. Karen tells him that he needs to hit up over-cleaners anonymous, and so much word. Danny can't get over the mess and says that they don't have so much in common after all and peaces, leaving a forlorn Karen standing in the middle of her messy apartment. My mom would go nuts for this episode, she's constantly telling me no man will put up with my messy apartment. Cockblocked!

Jesse and the girls are still interrogating Michelle about the whereabouts of Jesse's keys. Ug's stubbornly insisting that she had nothing to do with it, and DJ and Steph start to wonder whether or not she actually did take them. Just then, Joey comes in toting more sardines for Jesse and reveals that he left his keys in the door. Jesse can't believe it and apologizes to Michelle. Yawn.

Danny comes home from his date and says he had a nice time but won't be seeing Karen again. DJ and Steph are bummed but confident that they know enough single women to find a love match for Danny. They leave to go make a list and Jesse and Joey aren't done with Danny yet. They follow him into the kitchen and ask what excuse he made up to justify ending this budding relationship. Danny says that she was a slob and launches into a description of his messy apartment. J&J basically tell him to get over himself and stop trying to find the perfect woman because she doesn't exist (um, hello? I'm right here! (I keed, I keed)). They reminds him that even Pam had her flaws, she was always late, but Danny overlooked it because he loved her. J&J manage to convince Danny to go back and give Karen another chance.

He arrives in her apartment and starts apologizing about freaking out over the mess, and then realizes that the apartment is now clean. She tells him that she actually does know how to clean, and says that he was being anal retentive and he really wants to give their relationship another shot. Too bad we're totally never going to see Karen again. Sucks, I actually liked her and Danny together. I don't think any woman other than Caroline, Cindy and Vicki lasted more than an episode as Danny's love interest, and aside from Vicki, the other women I think only got a two-episode arc. Lame. Poor Danny Tanner needed to get laid on a regular basis.

"'Adorable'? Are you sure it doesn't say 'a door bell'?" or I'm There for You, Babe (2.20)

2008-03-12T00:53:00.004-04:00

With this recap, I'm one shy of finally completing the second season. Still have yet to nail down "Beach Boy Bingo." Dunno why that one keeps evading me, but oh wells, next time around.

The family files into Jesse's room to serenade him with the Beatles Happy Birthday song. That fine piece of Greek man meat is 26 years young and looking fine. They also cooked him a guitar shaped waffle, and instead of giving him a day of rest and relaxation, the demands start pouring in from the family.

Joey needs Jesse to write a jingle for the new advertising campaign they're working on. DJ needs Jesse to coach her soccer team. Danny says his car sounds like his great uncle and is in need of a mechanic... but he's decided to ask Jesse instead. Stephanie needs like 200 cookies for a bake sale at her school the next day, Becky's distant relative is getting married and Jesse is supposed to be her date and to top it all off, America's favorite little shit UgBaby is too dumb to make Jack pop out of the box (hint: turn the crank, dumbass).

The icing on the cake is that Danny somehow managed to finagle some bigwig music reviewer dude to come to the Smash Club to listen to Jesse and the Rippers play. Leading up to the show, Jesse's being pulled in 6 different directions and promising everyone that he's there for them (babe), but is unable to really help any of them with what they need.

The night of the show, it's about time for the band to go on and the Rippers are nowhere to be found. Turns out that whilst trying to multitask, Jesse double-booked the band at two different appearances. And apparently all of the Rippers went to the other show. Betcha wish you had a cell phone, Jess. Never fear, my fine-follicled fellow, the Tanner clan is here to save the day as they proclaim, "We're here for you, babe."

They are introduced as Jesse and These Other Guys. Heh. Jesse begins "Do Wah Diddy" and when the family chimes in on the chorus, it has a pretty hokey Partridge Family vibe to it. I have to give props to the writers for the continuity in this scene: DJ is on the drums, which she was given as a gift out of guilt in an earlier episode, and displays the limited skill consistent with the time she's owned the drums. Also featured are Kimmy on the keyboard (which is mentioned again later) and Danny's mad skillz with an axe (that's slang for "guitar" for all you squares), when he does a nice riff from "Day Tripper" (whoa, two Beatles songs in one episode!). Joey plays the harmonica and does a possibly offensive Ray Charles impersonation. The only potential inconsistency is that Becky's singing backup vocals here, where in a later episode she's painfully tone deaf. But, I think that episode's the fluke and not this one.

The folks at the Smash Club aren't having it and begin filing out. The night continues and they stoop so low as to allow Stephanie to sing "Bingo." Yikes. That's enough to completely empty out the club and Jesse knows that he just blew his big chance with that bigwig reporter in attendance. Sucks.

The next morning, Stephanie goes into Jesse's room to wake him up. He's convinced himself that last night's performance was just a nightmare... that is until Stephanie pulls out the review of the family band. It opens with, "If you missed last night's performance of Jesse and These Other Guys, than you're luckier than I was." Ouch. The only highlight of the performance? The keyboard stylings of the "adorable Kimmy Gibbler." BURN!

The family once again files in making demands of Jesse. Jesse's on the verge of a breakdown as he begins rattling off the ways he'll manage to get everything done. He rambles on that he'll have Danny's car towed to the soccer field so that he can work on it, while he watches DJ's soccer game from the rearview mirror. During half time, he'll rush to the school cafeteria to bake Stephanie's cookies, then pop into the metal shop to cut Jack out of his godforsaken box, and all the while he'll be whistling a jaunty tune for his and Joey's jingle. This foolproof plan is foiled when Becky comes in and says that his pajamas are unacceptable wedding attire. Just then Kimmy comes in and asks if they saw their review in the paper and that's enough to push Jesse over the edge. He lets out a shriek and dives into his bed.

Either a few hours later or the next day (the timeframe of episodes is sometimes kind of difficult to decipher), the family comes in and tells Jesse that today is the start of his one-day vacation of rest and relaxation. That is, they're finally giving him the day off for his birthday that they should have given him in the first place. Seriously, who nags the birthday boy? They say that they have all of his duties for the day covered and tell him to just chillax. Then they all dog pile on him. That would not help me relax. In fact, it would probably fill me with great anxiety and feel as though I was being smothered. They all leave and Becky tells him that when she gets back from the wedding, she'll relax his brains out (re: sex).

Michelle didn't get the memo and asks Jesse to get Jack out of the box. She adds an "I love you" and pervy Jesse is a total sucker for this and raps on the side of the box and turns the crank and pop! There's Jack. At this point, I would tell Ug that I got her stupid toy to work and to now get the fuck out. Instead, we are "treated" to a really bizarre gross moment that involves cheek stroking and Jesse slowly moving in for a kiss. Yuck, I need to scrub my eyeballs. Maybe there was a reason I skipped this one before...

"Boy, nothing gets by you!" or Blast from the Past (2.19)

2008-03-10T23:32:00.005-04:00

We open with Jesse helping Michelle get dressed. She says she doesn't need help, but pervy Uncle Jesse refuses to be deterred. There's whistling and I'm too grossed out to go on. Credits. Let's move on... what? This episode is centered around Joey's sex life? Nooooooooooooo! Why God, why?!?!

Danny is expressing his love for this time of year. First comes spring cleaning and right behind it is tax time. I love you Danny, but being someone in the service industry who makes their money in tips and then pays out the ass come tax time, we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. Joey and Jesse look at him like he's nuts, and before they can tell him what a freak he is, they're interrupted by the phone ringing. Ug answers, even though she can't formulate proper sentences. Jesse promptly seizes the phone from her and tells Joey it's someone named Patty Fogerty calling for him.

Joey's eyes light up and Danny looks peeved as they reveal that Patty is Joey's ex-girlfriend in college whom he wanted to marry who left him broken-hearted. Joey's psyched that he may have a second chance to reconnect with her. Danny doesn't think that's such a good idea.

Up in the girls' room, DJ is performing a magic trick for Kimmy, Steph and Michelle. It involves the ball of mystery which consists of her holding up a curtain with a fake hand while she uses her free hand to move a ball around. She gets totally busted by Steph when she drops the ball. Lame trick anyway. Kimmy busts out her brother's magic cuffs and handcuffs DJ and Stephanie together. Too bad Kimmy didn't check if she had the key before she attempted this trick.

Danny is still freaking out at Jesse for his lackadaisical attitude towards taxes. He's urging him to examine the codes and re-do his taxes in hopes of yielding a higher return. Someone's at the door. It's Patty! She's come fresh off of her divorce and looking to rekindle her former flame with Joey. Vomit. There's no one else in your past that you'd like to look up, Patty? Really? Joey's it?

They go down to his room to talk. He tells her that she broke his heart, all those years ago, and she says that at that time she needed serious romance and not some goofball. Joey is hurt that she never realized how much he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. They embrace and Joey remarks that for 10 years he's wondered what it would feel like to hold her again, and I'm wondering what it would feel like to hold a gun to my head if I have to endure ten more minutes of this nauseating shit. Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to write an episode focused on the love (and possible sex) life of Joey?

Danny is discussing his worry over Joey's reconnecting with Patty with Jesse. Jesse thinks that Danny should chill out, but Danny's dead-set in his opposition to their reunion. One might comment that Danny needs to butt out, but I've totally been that sort of overprotective friend, so I won't judge.

Kimmy comes back from going to her house to retrieve the key. Problem is, the key wasn't at her house. Her brother has it and he's in Reno but will be coming home the next day to pick up his unemployment check (hee). I have to wonder why on earth her brother would travel with the key to some magic handcuffs but not bring the handcuffs? For some reason, the girls are afraid of Danny finding out that they're cuffed together, so they both hop into DJ's bed and tell him that they love each other so much that they're having a little slumber party.

The next day, Danny is finishing up the long form for Jesse's taxes and ends up costing Jesse money. Can't Jesse just toss that one and stick to the original short form where he gets money back? Before Jesse can kick Danny's ass for his tax return blunder, Joey comes in singing after staying out all night with Patty. While their backs are turned, Michelle pushes all of the guys' tax stuff off of the coffee table in an attempt to clean. Danny calls Ug a Cleaning Monster, and well, you're half right there, Dan-O. Danny's still very upset over the Joey and Patty thing and Joey can't understand why Danny can't just be happy for him.

Kimmy comes in and tells DJ and Steph that her brother is extending his stay in Reno to a week and she won't be able to get the key. At this the girls have had enough and tell Danny that they're cuffed. Luckily for them, Jesse used to have a pair of magic cuffs (used to? I'm sure he's still working those into his bedroom repertoire). He asks Kimmy to assist him as he covers the girls hands with a cloth and "magically" transfers the cuffs from DJ and Stephanie to Kimmy's hands.

Joey and Patty have a romantic spaghetti dinner... in the backyard. Ohhh...kay. She begs him to reenact the spaghetti and meatball kiss scene from "Lady and the Tramp." Ohhh...kay. Nothing screams romance like reenacting Disney movies... when you're 30. Joey's trying to be all suave, sensitive and romantic, and Patty suggests that they go streaking through the neighborhood. He's not for it (thank you!) and she complains that she came back for the old crazy Joey.

Joey finally grows a set and stands up to Patty. He tells her that he's not the same guy he was because (duh) a lot changes in ten years. He says that they're like strangers now and they don't know anything about each other. They realize that they were trying to hold onto something in the past that isn't there anymore and sit back down to enjoy dinner and get to know each other. Blah, stupid episode. Now I know why I skipped it the first time around. Note to the writers, you should have always had less Joey and more Kimmy.

"Whoever designed these airline bathrooms was not wearing pantyhose!" or Our Very First Christmas Show (2.9)

2008-03-05T14:20:00.000-05:00

Danny is toting a video camera and documenting the first ever Tanner family Christmas reunion to be held in Colorado. Jesse and Joey come in singing "Winter Wonderland" and pander to the cameras, Jesse noting that Danny is only doing the video to write it off on his taxes. Danny makes a mental note to edit that portion of the video out.

Stephanie comes in all gloomy and not wanting to go to Colorado because she's afraid that Santa won't be able to find her there. Danny promises that Santa will be there Christmas morning because Joey has a Santa suit packing in one of their many suitcases.

D.J. wanders into Ug's room and is bursting with a secret she's dying to tell. Apparently she snooped and happened upon the girls' Christmas presents. She's getting a CD player, Steph's getting new roller skates (and now that "I've got a brand new pair of roller skates" song playing in my head) and Michelle's getting a whole bunch of toys. Hm, does that really sound fair? One CD player, One pair of roller skates and many many toys? Gee, who's the favorite?

Now the family's on the plane and Danny's documenting the pre-flight process. It includes such fascinating events as fastening seat belts and returning trays to the upright position. Stephanie posts a "Stephanie on Board" sign on the window for Santa. Everyone "Aww"'s when Joey tells them that it's Michelle's first plane trip. I would be indifferent/annoyed at the prospect of having my flight ruined by the cries of a screaming child and be furiously rummaging through my purse for my iPod to drown her out.

Becky is on the plane too, she's stopping over in Colorado to pick up a connecting flight on her way home to Nebraska. Danny asks her to say a little bit on the video for their WUSF viewers and she too accuses Danny of making the video to serve as a tax write-off. Jesse tries to score proposing they sneak away for a little romance on the slopes and claims he's "always wanted to go skiing in Nebraska." As Becky says in a later episode, it's never really been known as the mountain state. Naturally, Jesse strikes out, and all of the majesty is captured by Danny on film. He tells him to edit it out, but eff that. That little gem is their ticket to a daytime Emmy award!

Some fat dude in a bad toupee rudely tells DJ that she's in his seat. Both DJ and Danny reveal that they have tickets for the same seat. This guy is adamant that he will have the seat because he reserved it months ago. The stewardess says, in an awesome display of passive aggression and "go fuck yourself" masked in sweetness that that's fine because she has two open seats in first class and offers to upgrade DJ and Stephanie. Luckyyyy. I've never been in first class, is it everything it's cracked up to be? Now I just fly Southwest. They don't believe in "classes." And allegedly they're biased against "pretty girls" (re: sluts) which offends me because I am the hotness and I always am treated like a queen on my flights. Methinks those girls were probably bitches.

During the flight Michelle begins stroking the man's toupee saying"kitty" and pulls it off of his head. He gets pissed and I'm with him. That is his personal space and how the fuck is it okay for them to prop the baby so she's essentially sitting on his headrest? I would be so pissed. He snap and she cries and he gets scolded for it, and Jesse then leads the plane on a rousing rendition of "The Girl from Ipanema" to soothe Ug. The hell? That's her soothing lullaby? It's not just me, that's a pretty weird random selection, right?

The plane is forced to land due to a heavy blizzard and once their on the ground the conditions worsen so the entire clan is stuck spending the night in the airport. Stephanie is freaking out and is convinced that there's no way that Santa will find her in an airport. Stephanie tries to call the Operator for Santa or Mrs. Claus' phone numbers. Naturally they hang up on her and she replies with, what else? "How rude!" DJ goes to talk her down. The man in the bad toupee clarifies where the Tanner's are sitting and plans to camp out as far away from them as possible. Dude, I hear you.

Under the direction of his father, Jesse tries to make the moves on Becky when Nick points out that she's sitting by herself all forlorn and sad about being apart from her family on Christmas. He tries to be all smooth and sexy and gets her to talking about home. She mentions that her brother informed her that Janice is really blossoming. Jesse thinks she's talking about a sister, but it turns out to be her cow. She leaves to go call home, and Jesse tells his father that he was dissed so that she could go call her cow. Wow. Burn.

Danny is horror stricken when he realizes that the bag carrying all of the presents is missing. How bizarre, why would every other bag come through and just this one be missing? Oh yeah, because some cheap airline employee running the X-Ray saw the contents and hit the jackpot when they happened upon Danny's luggage. Because maybe they had put off their shopping til last minute, and had three daughters desiring this exact set of gifts. Maybe.

DJ attempts to talk down Stephanie by informing her that Rudolph has red nose radar that will make it possible for Santa to find Stephanie no matter where she is. Danny comes over and Stephanie tells him about the RNR, and he says that sometimes in intense blizzards, the radar isn't quite as effective. Stephanie runs off all bummed again and DJ asks what's up. Danny says that she's old enough to hear the truth and tells her that the suitcase carrying the gifts is missing. DJ joins Stephanie in her misery. Lighten up girls, be thankful your plane didn't crash! That's my sentiment every time my plane touches down safely. I really really hate flying.

Danny's desperate to salvage the holiday for his girls and tells Joey to put on his Santa suit. He comes out and Stephanie is totally buying his shtick until he's busted by Michelle who keeps calling him Joey. Dude, Steph. How can you let that UgTard outsmart you? Stephanie tries to tell Michelle it's Santa and does the classic beard test. Whoops, it is Joey. The mood is ruined as melancholy sets in once more.

Jesse is starting to get really fed up with everyone's bad attitude about the holidays. He goes on a rant that he can't believe how caught up everyone is in the commercialism and consumerism of the holiday. He reminds them of the true meaning of Christmas, about spending time with the people who matter most to you. He gestures to a coat rack and asks Joey what he sees. Jesse says that to him, it's a grandly decorated Christmas tree. He tells them that the vending machine to him is a feast fit for kings. He points to the conveyor belt and asks his father what he sees, and doesn't have anything festive and concedes that well, that's just a conveyor belt. Jesse leads the entire terminal into a rousing rendition of "Winter Wonderland" and hooraaaaay Christmas has been saved! Thanks Uncle SexyPants! Is it wrong that despite the fug Cosby/Bridget Jones style Christmas sweater, I find Uncle Jesse totally foxy while he's passionately spewing holiday joy?

It's night time and Danny has fallen asleep on the conveyor belt. UgMichelle hits button that controls the belt (really? It's just somewhere completely accessibly to anyone, even young children? That seems like it would be a major liability). Jesse stirs and scoops up Michelle to wish her a Merry Christmas. He turns on the lights and instantly swtiches from hot and sexy to super obnoxious as he wakes everyone up to tell them it's Christmas. How early is it? I'd be PISSED and yell something like "That's nice, now let me get some fucking sleep Hair Boy!" The conveyor belt starts back up and a snow covered Danny is brought back inside. Poor Danny.

Nick points to Becky standing by the coffee machine and asks him what he sees. Nick points out that she's standing under the mistletoe, waiting to be kissed and urges him to do so. Jesse does and uses the rationale that kissing under mistletoe is Christmas Law and because Goody Two Shoes Becky is a law-abiding citizen (as well as a down-low slut) they engage in a hella kiss.

Santa shows up, Joey's still present and he passes the beard test. Suddenly the suitcase carrying the presents come through on the conveyor belt, and when everyone turns back to where Santa was seated, he's gone. The laptop sitting on a chair has a message of tidings and joy, and when Danny and Joey discover that Joey's Santa suit is still in his duffel bag, they wonder if that may have been the real deal. The message on the computer changes and personally addresses Stephanie, thanking her for the map. Everyone swears that they see Santa flying away and even though it's March, I'm totally now in the Christmas spirit. Sorry this recap came almost 3 months late! Whoops!

Is it wrong to admit that shows like this that acknowledge that Santa is made up, but then suggests the possibility of it being a reality make me really happy? I mean, I'm completely logical and practical and a woman of reason, but a little part of me likes to believe in simplistic things like magic.

Uh, what I mean to say is, Christmas and Santa are gay! Snark snark snark!

"Froggy went a-courtin' and he did right, uh huh" or, The Seven Month Itch, Parts I and II (1.19 and 1.20)

2008-03-03T23:59:00.000-05:00

Hey all, sorry I was pretty lazy about posting. I managed to catch a couple of the episodes I missed from Season One the first go-round, but ABC Family skipped ahead to Season Two already before I could get anymore. To compensate, I provide you with a Two-Parter episode recap! Joygasm! On a personal note, sobriety's going quite well. It's been pretty easy because I work with a lot of alcoholics that disgust me and I have terrific willpower. But, enough about me, there's FH to recap!

Oh, one last note. For some reason, several of the keys on my keyboard have been sticking lately (the main culprits have been the C,N, and K) so if there's a plethora of typos, don't get on my ass for it (This is mainly for my sister who is an English teacher and erego, a total Grammar Nazi).

Jesse's on the phone with his girlfriend du jour planning a romantic weekend for the two of them because Danny and Joey are taking the girls to Disneyland. Stephanie interrupts the phone call before he can get into the really dirty talk and is bursting with excitement over the upcoming trip to see Mickey & Co.

Jesse tries to hurry the family out the door so that he can get to the sexin' with his woman, and can you blame him? Stephanie is on the same page and eager to leave as well. As soon as their out the door, Jesse has a little celebration to himself about his impending weekend of serenity. And you just KNOW shit's about to get fucked up for our well-coiffed hero.

Jesse comes back in from playing tennis with Samantha, who looks eerily similar to Robin. And how's this for a small world, the actress playing her is none other than the future Mrs. Kirk Cameron, Chelsea Noble. How weird that they guest-star on back-to-back episodes of FH. He's raving about beating her three times even though she's been playing for years and today was his first day picking up a racket. Mid-celebration he realizes that she let him win. They're stoked about finally getting some alone time beause Sam apparently lives with her parents (LOSER!) and Jesse lives "in Pee Wee's Playhouse" (EVEN BIGGER LOSER!) Sam goes to shower and Jesse brings her some champagne and tries to sneak a peak at her naked. Um hello? Dude! Hop on in there and join her!

Downstairs there's a wrench being thrown in Jesse (and Stephanie's) plans. Turns out that their was a massive amount fo fog and they couldn't fly out. Danny promises Steph an evening of Family Fun, but she's not biting. Jesse is in the kitchen prepping his romantic candlelight dinner and has yet to realize that the family's back. Danny thinks Jesse is in the shower, and alerts him that they're home. Only it's Sam and not Jesse in the shower. Yikes. Awk. Ward. Danny calls for Jesse and he hears the cries from upstairs and a look of pure horror crosses his face as realization of ruined plans dawns on him.

D.J., Joey and Steph go into the kitchen and begin ravaging Jesse's romantic dinner. Assholes. If he wasn't expecting them to return, why the hell would they think that that dinner was for them? Jerks. I blame Joey. He's (technically) the adult and should know better. Piggish asshole. Jesse violently shakes a shrimp cocktail out of Joey's grasp and demands to know why they're there and ruining his first night of sex in a month. He doesn't quite say that, but come on, read between the lines people. Jesse and Steph slump down in their chairs and declare theat they hate fog. On a related note, me too.

Family fun night is commencing and Stephanie is not feeling the sing along. To Sam's credit, she's being a really good sport and embracing the FF (Family Fun) when she should have really been having a FF (that's me and the boyf's code for "Fuck Fest" (What? TMI?)). Danny accidentally drops some adjectives that also happen to be the names of some of the 7 Dwarves and Stephanie is heartbroken once again. Jesse hints that the entire family am-scray so that he and Sam can have a little alone time. She says that his family's terriffic and she doesn't mind the romance of their weekend being ruined. Maybe Jesse's not that great in the sack? I know I'd be PISSED about no sex for a month. Or maybe she's getting some on the downlow? Harlot! They can't even go out the next night because apparently Jesse got roped into baby-sitting Michelle. How? If Danny and Joey were planning on being at Disneyland all weekend, presumably they'd have no plans since they've returned home early, so why can't one of them watch the rugrat? I'm calling shenanigans on this plotpoint!

D.J. and Danny try to console Stephanie and Danny pretty much tells her to suck it up and find a new way to have fun because she essentially can't do shit about the fog and cancelled flight. Obviously Danny Tanner uses much more flowery speech, but the Milkman doesn't mince words. And how awesome would it be if he actually did say that to Steph?

Joey wanders into Jesse's room and they have some man talk about living there. Joey loves it because it's the first time he's ever been part of a big family, but Jesse confesses that sometimes it gets to him. He used to live on the edge and live his life with no strings attached and he feels like he's settled into married domestic life without the perks of constant sex (again, you just gotta read between the lines). He pours his heart out to Joey and Joey cracks jokes and Jesse gets really fem and emo here. Joey finally agrees to be serious and listen and Jesse ponders whether or not living there is holding him back and wonders if maybe he needs to do something about it. Joey tells him to sleep on it.

Bad idea. Jesse has what starts out as a sexy dream about Samantha that is rudely interrupted by the girls, Danny and Joey. Ugh, we're also "treated" to an appearance by both Fug Olsens at once. Even better? They're voiced by Joey's idiotic baby voice. Seriously, the sight of both Olsens with that creepy baby voice is truly demonic and a little bit unsettling. I am seriously disturbed. Apparently so is Jesse, who wakes up and decides that he can't take it anymore and bolts.

The next morning, Joey and Danny go to wake up Jesse and find that he's taken off (to Lake Tahoe, but they don't know that yet) with his friends and doesn't know if or when he'll return. The girls come in and ask where Uncle Jesse is and Danny and Joey look at one another, panicked and unsure what to tell them. And so ends part one.

Part two opens where the last one left off with Joey stating that Jesse ran away from home. The girls pop in and ask where he is, and Danny ushers them out as the two guys wonder what they're going to tell them. Danny says as their father, he should be the one to tell them and for Joey to just play dumb. You asked the right guy! They babble something about Jesse going on vacation to the desert and even the girls aren't gullible enough to swallow this tripe.

Joey makes an inedible breakfast and the meal is interrupted by a phone call from Jesse. Danny asks him how the desert is and Jesse is obviously confused and replies that he's skiing in Tahoe with his friends and doesn't know when he'll be back. When Jesse hangs with his friends, he apparently has sing alongs. Hm. Not my first choice of activity, but whatever floats your boat. He vows to find his own place when he gets back to San Fran. Don't you mean "If" you go back, Jess?

Danny tries to give D.J. a guitar lesson and hey! Continuity! Reference to Danny's mad guitar skillz and D.J.'s foray into guitar playing. D.J. is being difficult and it's because she noticed that most of Jesse's stuff was moved out and is onto the fact that he might not be coming back. Danny is honest with her and says that he doesn't know for sure if Jesse's coming back and says that he can't force him beause he's an adult.

Ug helps Stephanie move into Uncle Jesse's old room. D.J. comes in and pretty much blabs the news about Jesse to Stephanie. Way to keep a secret there, Deej. Stephanie says that since Danny can't get Jesse back, it's up to them. The girls start scheming away.

In Tahoe, one of Jesse's friends answers the phone. They tell him to let Jesse know that Michelle is sick with a cough and fever. Jesse comes in from sliding on his ass down the ski slopes and his fug friend tells him that the baby's sick. Jesse goes into full Mr. Mom mode and is in a tizzy because he's apparently the only one who can get Michelle to take her cough medicine. He immediately tells his friends sorry, but he's gotta peace out and hops onto his motorcycle to brave the cold weather and get home to his precious UgBaby.

He comes in all worried and such and demands to know the Ug's whereabouts from a clueless Danny and Joey. They inform him that Michelle isn't sick and the three brain trusts deduce that the girls must have called and made up the story in an attempt to lure Jesse back home. He's about to take off again until Danny tells him how badly the girls were shaken up by his abrupt departure. Danny and Joey also gently point out that the reason Jesse rushed home is because he's so involved in the girls' lives and ask if that's really such a bad thing. Jesse looks thoughtful... and mullety, and decides that life in the Playhouse isn't so bad.

Jesse goes upstairs to tell D.J. and Stephanie that he's back and they're thrilled that their plan worked. They verify that he's there to stay (he says not forever, but certainly for a long time (I say it's probably forever, bub (I really can't get over the fact that he ends up living in the attic when he's MARRIED with TWINS!))) Finally he stops into the nursery to have a big long sappy monologue to Michelle about how worried he was when he thought she was sick and I long for the first episode when Jesse's reaction to Michelle was to tell her to shut up. Those were the days.

"I'll bet that if you don't give my money back, you're gonna die!" or Just One of the Guys (1.18)

2008-02-29T12:35:00.006-05:00

Time to fill in all of the gaps of the first go-round... well except for the last episode that I was too tired to pay attention to. Oh well, who doesn't love a little Kirk Cameron action?

Squeee! Kirk Cameron guest-starring on FH! He plays Steve, Danny's nephew who is a few years older than D.J. but used to be her best friend every time he came to visit. D.J. tells Kimmy that he has glasses, braces and a face full of zits, but that he's a ton of fun. When he arrives, his face is cleared up, he got contacts and his braces were taken off. Now he's the massive pre-Born Again Christian hunky incarnation of Kirk Cameron.

D.J. asks Steve to go ice-skating and he shoots her down in favor of basketball with the guys. You can see that D.J.'s a little hurt but she brushes it off.

Later D.J., Kimmy and Stephanie make lunch for the guys and D.J. tells Kimmy that she found all these pictures from THanksgiving 2 years ago nd she wants to show them to Steve and reminisce about the good times. The guys come in hungry after their game and swoop in and pick up lunch and move into the living room to watch the Celtics-Lakers game (GO CELTICS!). Kimmy departs on a quest for pickles for Steve.

While watching the game, Joey bets Jesse a dollar that Magic steals the ball from... someone, and obviously he does. He makes a more elaborate and intricate prediction and Jesse and everyone else is blown away... until Stephanie remarks that she's so impressed because Joey didn't know that any of those things were going to happen when they watched the game together this morning. Jesse pops a cassette out of the VCR and threatens to bludgeon Joey with it unless he gets his money back.

Ug's cries drift downstairs and Steve offers to go check on the brat. Danny thanks him and then doubts his experience with babies, but since he secretly hates Ug, he'll allow a 17 year old boy with no infant knowledge to handle things. Joey comments that Steve's a great kid and Danny thanks J&J for being so good to Steve and helping provide a manly environment for him to thrive in since his father apparently peaced out not too long ago.

Up in Ug's nursery, Steve's clueless and D.J. is there to decode Michelle's piercing cries and teach him how to put on diapers, and once again asks him to go ice skating, sweetening the deal with an invite to eat pizza and go to a boy-girl party. Steve tells her that he's too old to do those kinds of things and says he already has plans to go to the Warriors game with Danny. Danny then comes in and announces that the next day they'll all be going to the park for a picnic and some touch football and calls Steve to come watch the Bull-Pistons game (I'M INDIFFERENT TO BOTH!), leaving D.J. to deal with stinky baby. She plops the newly diapered Michelle down in a chair and asks her what she thinks of her cousin Steve. Michelle gurgles in response and D.J. laments that Steve has turned into a big jock who has no time for her anymore. Sad music.

D.J. is in the living room with J&J where they are teaching her the fundamentals of football. She's loving it and getting really into the machismo of [manly voice] FOOTBALL!!! [/end manly voice] At the park, the family's lounging while Jesse plays on the guitar and wearing a really poor choice in headwear. Kimmy offers Steve another sandwich and he declines, and D.J. butts in spouting off a bunch of random sports statistics. She's met with stares from everyone and breaks the tension by suggesting they play some football.

Danny and Jesse are captains (because it's Danny's ball and Jesse's hair looks like a helmet) and Danny's team is Steve, Kimmy and Steph. Jesse's team is D.J., Michelle, and Joey... but they need to spot them a touchdown. Jesse's team strikes first, and Kimmy consoles Steve with an ass slap. Ha, I love Kimmy. Steve tells the girls to sit out so they guys can play some "real" football, but how real is it going to be with 4 people? D.J. gets all fired up by this rampant display of sexism and tackles intended receiver Steve with a pass interference. Bitch laid him OUT!

D.J. flips a shit when they call a penalty and bursts out that Danny should just adopt Steve already, because it's pretty obvious that's what he wants. She runs off and Kimmy's there to break the tension with another ass slap.

Danny talks to D.J. and he tries to explain that since Steve's father moved out, it's important for Steve to have time with the guys and D.J. parrots back all of the information and says that it's all well and good, except when you're a girl and you want to spend some time with your formerly favorite cousin.

Back at the house, D.J. is sitting in her room moping when Steve knocks on the door. He came up to talk to her about why she "clobbered" (his words, not mine. I don't think I've ever used the word "clobber" in a conversational sense) him during the touch football game. She says that she was mad at him because she was so looking forward to his visit and he didn't want anything to do with her. He wouldn't even go ice-skating (the nerve!) and she misses "the OLD Steve." He says he's still the same and it's just that the age difference of 17 and 11 feels like a really big deal right now, but when they're much older (like 100 and 94) it won't matter. They try starting over and make plans to go ice-skating and, what else? Hug it out. Bye Steve! We'll never see you again!

"Ink!" "Gee, you're good Uncle Jesse." or Rock the Cradle (4.26)

2008-02-18T09:11:00.008-05:00

Uh yeah, so we're jumping from Jesse and Becky's wedding to Becky finding out she's pregnant. I don't know if it was me or ABC Family, but either way, I was comatose for 97% of Season 4, so it's onto Season 5 after this recap. But, to make up for it, I created my own artistic renditions of the drawings from the Tanners' game of Picture Charades!

We open on Jesse and the Rippers auditioning for a music executive. Following the musical portion, Jesse and family engage in some mega-watt serious ass kissing of the record exec. It's borderline pathetic.

Later in the kitchen, Danny answers the phone and it's a call for Becky. It's her doctor and it's pretty obvious to everyone watching based on her reaction that she's knocked up. She gets off the phone and confirms the news to Danny.

Just then Jesse comes in with big news and Becky replies that she also has big news. Jesse tells her that the Rippers were signed by the label. Becky is about to drop the baby bombshell on him when he cuts her off to gush about going on tour for a few months. He tells her that since WUSF will be on hiatus, to come with him on the road because they are young and have nothing (like kids) to tie them down. At this point, Becky chickens out because she doesn't want to dampen his excitement about his lifelong dreams actually coming to fruition. Angsty music!

Becky tells the rest of the family and they're all hella excited, but she tells them to keep their mouths shut because she still hasn't told Jesse. She plans to tell him over dinner. She prepares a theme meal: BABY back ribs, BABY carrots, BABY corn, and asks Jesse if he's noticing the trend amongst all the items. Jesse (who we will learn in this episode, is a complete and total R-Tard) misses the boat and thinks the common thread is that they're all finger foods... which he loves. Seriously, was Jesse always this clueless? Becky chickens out yet again, and he's too excited about his record deal and upcoming tour to eat. He goes down to share the news with the rest of the family.

Everyone else is in the living room playing Pictionary, oh I'm sorry, they call it "Picture Charades". Stephanie's up and this is essentially what she draws:

Because Michelle is a moron, she keeps guessing Big Bird. WRONG. The family gets irritated with her to the point of snapping in unison, "It's not Big Bird!" To which she replies, "Don't have a cow!" which subsequently was what Stephanie was going for. Jesse comes downstairs to tell everyone about his big news, and they congratulate him because they think he's talking about the baby and they already know. Jesse of course, thinks they're talking about his band's deal and he goes on and on about how it's not a miracle because he'd been practicing in his friends' garages from a young age, and tells them all that he wants them there chanting "Jesse! Jesse! Jesse!"

Just then as everyone is both horrified and nauseated, Becky runs in and gestures to them that she has yet to tell him. Rather than be a grownup about it, she opts to draw out her big news, in the form of a movie title:

Jesse is having a little trouble, so she gives him a hint:

He finally surmises that the first part is "She's having." And she adds the most important part of the puzzle:

He thinks it's "She's having a hot dog!" Yeah. That's it. Seriously, when did Uncle Jesse get so damn stupid. I know he's a high school dropout and everything, but did they have an un-aired episode when he falls off of his motorcycle and suffers massive brain damage?

Becky finally gets frustrated enough to burst out that it's a baby and that she's having the baby, but the she is her and reveals her pregnancy to Jesse. He's excited for a brief moment until the realization of the impending responsibility dawns on him and he promptly faints.

That night, Jesse lurks in the doorway while Danny reads a bedtime story to Michelle and tucks her in. He gets some tips from America's best Dad and then has a heart to heart with... Michelle? I know I always seek a toddler for counseling with my most important issues. Again I question, brain damage?

Ug decides to give the baby the epithet of "Big Bird" and suggests Jesse use the eeny-meeny-miney-mo method of determining whether or not he go through with going on tour. He chooses to skip out on the tour and stay home and be with Becky. He goes to tell Becky of his revelation and she's all like "Big Bird, say WHAT?" She tells him that since the tour will be during the early part of her pregnancy she won't be too delicate to travel and can accompany him. Problem once again solved in a neat little package.

Next: Season 5 and the Tanner household gets a whole lot more annoying!

"You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a garbage disposal!" or The Heartbreak Kid (6.16)

2008-02-16T12:50:00.004-05:00

This episode is dually awesome and atrocious. First of all, it sucks because it's pretty Michelle-centric. On the other hand, it also involves Michelle having her heart broken and being generally humiliated, so it's a fair trade.

The girls, plus Steve and Kimmy are in the kitchen making cookies. Kimmy has apparently taken up anatomy class at school and is toting her textbook around for gross-out purposes only. She shows Michelle a picture of an actual human heart and Michelle replies with "Ewwww!" and I laugh at how early on in the episode that Michelle's misery begins! Steve made an "M" cookie covered in sprinkles and presents it to Michelle, prompting jokes from him and D.J. about it being true love. You can tell by the vacant idiot gaze on Michelle's face that she's not in on the joke. Oh, this is going to be so good.

Stephanie is up in the attic, aka Jesse and Rebecca and the twins' "apartment," and is trying to teach Jesse how to use a laptop. Jesse is completely computer illiterate, and I guess it's supposed to be funny, but it's a really boring attempt at humor.

Joey and Danny are going through old junk and it comes out that Joey dated one of Danny's exes. Danny is understandably pissed (Bro's before Ho's, y'all) but before they can really get into it, who should interrupt but that UgSnot Michelle. Ug asks Danny what you do when you love someone and after some bitter barbs thrown Joey's way, he tells her that when you really love someone, you marry them.

UgSnot's a woman on a mission, she seeks out Steve and proposes to him. D.J. and Steve play along and D.J. even forges a ring for Michelle. Ug is soooooo fucking happy and so am I... because I know how this is going to turn out and I love seeing Michelle in pain!!!

Because they're completely nuts and can't stop living in the past, Joey calls this ex-girlfriend of both Danny and Joey to get the real story about who she loved more or whatever, and it turns out that she dated both of them to make some other guy jealous. Who was this masked man you ask? None other than the San Fran Don Juan, Jesse Katsopolis!, natch. Just then, Jesse comes down the stairs freaking out because his shitty kids, Nicky and Alex, managed to erase his entire report off of his computer. Luckily the Miracle Worker (no! Not Anne "Annie" Sullivan (what what? Massachusetts repreSENT!), Stephanie Tanner!) is on hand to retrieve the lost file.

Denise pokes her head into the kitchen to tell the family to haul ass into the living room as it's time for Michelle's wedding. Denise plays the wedding march on her kazoo and to the surprise of no one, our blushing bride looks completely fug. Comet is carrying her train behind her. Denise instructs Michelle and Steve to hold hands and Ug holds out her hand, looks at Steve and says, "It's okay, I washed." Ewww, like do you not do that regularly? Are you a nosepicker? God I hate her.

They are "married" and then Steve starts to leave to get back home because it's meatloaf night. Mmm meatloaf. UgSnot didn't grasp the whole "pretend" aspect of her wedding and tells Steve that he can't leave because they're married now. The family tries to gently let her down with reasoning. Danny says that if she's married, she can no longer share a room with Stephanie. Stephanie gets caught up in the excitement of a life less fugly and jumps at the prospect of her own room, missing the point of trying to clue Michelle in to her wedding being a sham.

Joey throws his two cents in that when you get married, you move away from your family. Good argument except oh yeah, Uncle Jesse still lives in the attic with his wife and two kids. Might be a good time to hint that they find their own ace-play. I mean, are they going to live in an attic with two teenage boys? That's ridiculous!

And oh jesus, here comes some horribly Olsen dramatic acting. With zero emotion or inflection, UgSnot says robotically, "I don't believe it." Then she hurls her bouquet down and again says sans emotion, "That was mean. Really mean." Cue dramatic music as she runs up to her room and cue my uproarious laughter at her expense. Stupid troll.

The rest of the episode's pretty weak since everyone apologizes and kisses Michelle's ass. Steve and D.J. offer to make it up to her and with her trademarked UgSnot-shit-eating grin she requests pizza. Steve says it will be on him, and as the girls file out of the room, he turns to Danny and asks the T to spot him the money to feed his piggish daughters. I'd point out the massive amounts of money Steve saves by consuming every single edible item in the Tanner household, but in his defense, I wouldn't want to spend any of my money on Michelle either.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Valentine's weekend! I've been working non-stop, but I get to see my Valentine Sunday, so yay! In closing, I leave you with the romantic words of John on CMT's "My Big Redneck Wedding": "I wish I could put your love in a locket, because you're hotter than a Hot Pocket!" (His mother's reply to these touching vows? "Oo, I love Hot Pockets!")

Who said romance is dead? Hope you enjoyed all the Valentine's recaps!

"I love these aggressive women of the 90's!" or Dateless in San Francisco (8.17)

2008-02-16T12:41:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lapse in Valentine recap's. I ended up working wicked late on VDay (and the obviously all of my co-workers opted for an obligatory post-work bar trip (don't worry, I'm still making good on my no booze, I just drank water with lime and kicked ass in darts)). Then, I ended up picking up an extra shift last night. Oh and to top it off, there's been some serious drama in my life that's preempted my FH enjoyment, but I've got a few moments, so here goes.

So much Valentiney "goodness." Can you handle it?!?!? We open on Michelle's fug class, where Joey and Mrs. Carruthers are coming in to tell them that because they sold the most candy bars for a fundraiser they are being treated to a Valentine's Day party. Michelle's teacher not-so-subtly inquires as to whether or not Joey will be in attendance for the party.

Lisa, the scary bitch child, declares that they must all have dates for the Valentine's party and assigns boyfriends and girlfriends to everyone in the class. She claims Derek as her man in a scary Amazonian way and assigns Michelle and Teddy and Aaron with Sophia. Who? That girl looked way too familiar to me, and I had to totally google that shit (seriously, what did we do before the internet and google? Just sit around and let unknown names/faces/facts bug the shit out of us?). I had figured she was in something else, but apparently her name is Fiona Landers and she's a folk singer who I most likely recognize from VH1 Artists You Oughta Know or "Grey's Anatomy" or something. Hey, where's Denise? She just disappeared! Aaron tells Sophia not to wear anything trampy and Whoa! FH, that was pretty racy.

Danny is trying to plan his first Valentine's Day with Claire (Claire as in Gia's mom, not Danny's mother). He's getting advice from Jesse, aka Mr. Romance, about how to make it special. Jesse lists various cliched activities of Valentine's past (though strangely enough doesn't mention the hay ride through San Fran in season two (which I just recapped below). Unfortunately one of the activities listed was a VDay spent holding hands walking across the Golden Gate Bridge sipping champagne (My guess? Korbel!) to which Becky replies "That wasn't me." Ouch, busted!

Becky inquires as to what romantic plans Jesse has planned for this Valentine's Day and he brushes her off saying that Danny needs help wooing Claire whereas him and Becky are an old married couple who are way past the point of woo.

Michelle goes to D.J. for boyfriend advice. Her and Teddy proceed to act really annoying doing things they think boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to do. She sends him home to call her. Meanwhile, a bunch of gifts from a secret admirer are pouring in for Joey. Ugh, who would want Joey as their Valentine. He figures it's just Mrs. Carruthers, but it's not like she makes her lust a secret (thought we wish she would).

Jesse has come up with the perfect Valentine's Day plans... for Danny and Claire. He goes on and on and Becky is miffed that he's wasted all his time and energy planning romance for someone else. Stephanie is walked home by some mullet-y kid who carries her bag. He says he wishes she wasn't so smart because all of her books are heavy. She reveals that she brought her rock collection in for science class and that was a weird bit. I guess they needed to give Stephanie a storyline.

Teddy calls and Michelle tells him to come back over. He does and she tells him he can't thumb wrestler her and has to do things like carry her books, and Teddy declares that being a boyfriend sucks and promptly breaks up with her. Michelle tells him he has a bad attitude and pleads with him to stay with her "for the children." God Michelle's an idiot.

D.J. and Kimmy come into Michelle and Stephanie's room to return a flannel D.J. had borrowed and happen upon a melancholy Michelle. Literally, nothing in this world makes me happier than a sad Olsen. She destroys all potential sympathy anyone may have possibly had for her when she asks D.J. for advice because she gets dumped all the time. D.J. corrects Michelle that she is the one who does the dumping. Michelle says either way, she's always home alone on a Saturday night. And seriously, what a little shit. At this point I would have walked out, but for some reason D.J. stays to give Michelle advice.

Eventually Becky and Stephanie file in with their own man troubles and it essentially turns into a big ol' man bashing fest. Bo-ring!

Down in the kitchen, Becky flips out on Jesse for his lack of romance, and his response? You need some fresh air. She keeps on ranting, as Jesse leads her outside where there's a hot air balloon stocked with red roses and champagne waiting for them. Jesse says something reeking of awesomeness, that every time Becky wakes up next to him, he falls in love all over again. Aww. Do you think it was awkward since Stamos and Lori Loughlin used to date in real life? I wish the show brought them back together, because I think those two crazy kids might have had a shot at love (with Tila Tequila).

We're at Michelle's class' Valentine's Day party. The girls are separated on one side of the room with the boys on the other. Their teacher encourages them all to dance, and the girls stalk their male prey. Lisa frightens the fuck out of me. I hate kids like her. Naturally, the newly single Michelle and Teddy are left sitting alone. They eventually talk and renew their friendship and dance and blah blah boring, I hate Michelle.

Joey meanwhile, goes to confront Mrs. Carruthers about all of her gifts and Secret Admirer nonsense. She mistakes his returning of gifts as gifts for her, until they clarify that she was not his admirer. She's about to jump his bones until Joey busts out his master diversion: telling Mrs. C he just saw Willard Scott in a thong. And may I say, "Ugh!"? Whenever I hear the name Willard Scott, I automatically think of all of the nonsensical rambling clips they play on "The Soup."

After Mrs. C runs off, Joey's left with Michelle's teacher, Mrs. Ullman (call her Cindy!) who reveals herself to be his secret admirer. Loser. They flirt and make promises of future dates, but as most FH romantic devices, it will fizzle out before anything ever comes to fruition and will never be mentioned past this episode.

"Oh yeah? Well if I'm a chicken wing then you're a double decker lamewad chicken sandwich!" or Little Shop of Sweaters (2.14)

2008-02-14T12:34:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, does anyone think it was intentional that this Valentine's episode is the fourteenth of the second season, thereby making it episode 2.14 which just so happens to be the same numbers as Valentine's Day? Or do we think it's just a happy coincidence? Ponder. Discuss. Love.

It's Valentine's Day at the Tanner's and D.J., Stephanie and Joey are in the kitchen as Jesse comes bounding down the stairs singing "My Funny Valentine." He shows off a pair of earrings to Joey that he bought for Becky. He's nervous and wants their first Valentine's together to be special. Cheese. Danny comes in bearing VDay presents for the girls. D.J.'s hoping for the royal blue sweater that she's been not-so-subtly hinting at since after Christmas.

They open their gifts, Stephanie got a lock and D.J. opens her box to reveal royal blue... socks. She tries to mask her disappointment, but Danny totally psychs her out by saying that those socks will go great with her brand new royal blue sweater! D.J. is ecstatic and Stephanie tries on the sweater and says it would make a great dress. D.J. flips a shit about Stephanie stretching her sweater out and they bicker back and forth until Danny demands they say something nice to each other. D.J. tells Stephanie she has a wonderful big sister, and Stephanie retorts that she has a wonderful little sister. D.J. outwits her by agreeing and saying that she has Michelle. Touche, D.J. Though for the record, I wholeheartedly disagree with the assertion that Michelle is wonderful.

UgBaby, meanwhile, has stalled at opening her gift and doesn't get past bow removal. The guys open her present to reveal a sweater and she takes off for the living room toting the box and ignoring the gift. Jesse suggests that next year they just get her a box.

That afternoon, D.J. and Stephanie come home from school and Stephanie notices that D.J. isn't wearing her new royal blue sweater. D.J. removes the sweater from her bag, piece by piece. Apparently during recess, D.J. took the sweater off to play soccer so it didn't get all sweaty and gross, and while it was lying on the grass, the gardener ran it over with his lawn mower. I don't think I've ever heard of a school groundskeeper referred to as a gardener. Who knows though, maybe the San Francisco public school system marches to the beat of their own drum...

Kimmy comes over with money for D.J. to buy a new sweater. Joey drops D.J., Kimmy and Stephanie off at the mall and they go into the store where D.J. finds the sweater. She also finds out that it costs a whopping $80. Problem is, she was only able to muster up $43.80 (plus 322 pennies... in cash (for the mathematically challenged, that's $47.02 in all)). The salesperson tells them that they're a little short to which Stephanie replies, "I can't help it, I'm only 6." Bwah! Stephanie then takes notice of a sign reading, "Buy Now, Pay Later" and inquires about it. The salesclerk chipperly explains the concept of credit, and like, duh, she's setting herself up to get shoplifted. Why the hell wouldn't she explain that to have credit you need a credit card, rather than let a 6 year old child think she can take something and pay for it later? Moron. Naturally Stephanie pilfers the sweater and the girls file out at the same time of another woman. The security alarm goes off and they stop the other woman as D.J. and Kimmy talk about how much they hate shoplifters. Irony!

Joey is super impressed that all of the girls were able to go into the mall for 20 minutes and not purchase a single item. Up in the girls' room, D.J. wonders how she's going to tell the guys about the sweater, and Stephanie tells them not to worry because she took care of it. She explains credit, and D.J. and Kimmy tell her that without a credit card, it's shoplifting. Danny's taking the girls out so D.J. has to wear her new sweater, so the girls find a way to conceal the security tag.

Joey and his girlfriend Cheryl, (hey remember her? I don't think they ever officially broke up, they just phased her out) are on their way to a Valentine's costume party with him dressed as Popeye and Cheryl as Olive Oyl. Maybe this was the unravelling of their relationship because Cheryl is HELLA annoying attempting to do Olive Oyl's voice. They're toting Michelle looking uglier than ever in a misshapen bald cap as Sweet Pea and I can't think of a less attractive accessory. The girls come down with their shirts rolled up on the side, and tell Danny it's the newest style. They go off of their date to see "Roger Rabbit" just as Becky and Jesse come back from a hay ride through San Francisco that's left Jesse sneezing. Jesse comments on Danny's shirt being rolled up and Danny says it's the latest style.

More Valentine's romance with Becky and Jesse, romantic music, fire, champagne, cliche. Exchange of gifts, Jesse bought Becky sapphire earrings and she got him an Elvis spoon... yeah... Jesse tells Becky he's glad she made him wait 4 months before they dated because it gave them an opportunity to become friends first and heightened the level of intimacy in their relationship. He says that he's ready to spend every weekend with her and tosses his little black book into the fire. Not every weekend though, as Becky has a date Saturday. Whore! He dives into the fire to retrieve his book and says he can get a date for Saturday too. But he catches himself and admits he doesn't want anyone but her. Becky tells him she's worried things are moving too fast and asks him to take it slow, and she says he won't have to wait long. They kiss and she says she plans on taking it slow, and we cut to commercial knowing full well that they are doing it all over the Tanner household. Twice on Michelle's bed.

The next day, D.J. brings Stephanie back to the mall to return the sweater she stole. As they enter the store the alarm goes off and they are immediately descended upon and accosted by a bitchy salesclerk. I have major beef with her attitude because yeah, they might have stolen the sweater, but it was only because she's 6 years old and was mislead by the clerk. Not to mention the fact that they were only busted for it when they came back in to return it. I mean, yeah shoplifting is a big deal, but they knew it was wrong and were trying to do right by bringing it back. Bitch! She calls the guys in and they jump to their defense... until the girls admit that Stephanie did take the sweater to replace the one D.J. had that was ruined.

Danny asks the girls why they didn't just come to him with their problem, and D.J. says she thought she could handle it herself. Danny kindly points out that that method usually gets her into more trouble. He tells them that they can always come to him and Stephanie asks if maybe he can help fix the sweater. He says he'll give it a try and is horrified as it's handed to him piece by piece by piece. He masks his horror with a chuckle saying that at least they all learned something. But, as soon as he's outside of the room and closes the door, we hear him lament, "Eighty dollars!"

D.J. thanks Stephanie for trying to help her and they say they can always count on one another for help in difficult situations and she even agrees to let Stephanie play with some of her toys. Ah, sisterly love. And see how unnecessary Michelle is?

Stay tuned, I should have all the romantic Valentine's themed episodes of "Full House" up before the day's over. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Uncle Jesse, will you be mine?

"You know, some day you're going to like boys." "But not today!" or The Wedding, Parts I and II (4.18 and 4.19)

2008-02-13T23:54:00.000-05:00

I don't know what sort of drug-induced coma I was in for the majority of Season Four, but I at least managed to catch the most important episodes of the season:the two-parter of Jesse and Rebecca's wedding. I'll catch the rest of the episodes I missed on the next go 'round.

We open with Ug (and seriously, like who else do they ever open on?) practicing for her role as flower girl in Jesse and Becky's wedding. She's wasting an entire box of tissues, pissing off Danny all the while.

Stephanie is toting around a camcorder as her and D.J. document "The Making of a Wedding." D.J. is hosting and taking all of the credit for the video until Stephanie points out that it's a joint wedding gift and insists upon getting some props. D.J. does so grudgingly, and Stephanie also attempts to get some face time by turning the camera back on herself for a bit until D.J. yanks her away to continue filming the behind the scenes wedding drama.

Becky tells Michelle that her sister Connie and nephew Howie are back in town for the wedding. She reminds her that they were best friends, but Michelle's not feeling Howie. She better get over it soon because they're going to be roomies this weekend! Are they too young to be playing doctor? Should Danny be concerned about this co-ed cohabitation? Connie is being played by the same actress as before who was also recycled as Stephanie's messy dance teacher Karen. In Michelle and Howie's shared room, they begin arguing. Just wait til they get to the make up sex. I keed, I keed, that would be disgusting... and logistically impossible. Danny tries on his tux and his pants are too short and Becky starts freaking out. Joey comes up from trying his tux on in his room and it's much too long. Chillax Becky, they just got their pants switched.

Becky's parents are also in town (naturally), and are coming to the Tanner's to meet Jesse for the first time. Wait, what? They've been together for HOW long? If I was seeing someone, I think I'd make sure that they meet my parents sometime prior to the weekend of our wedding. Becky's father comes in through the front door all in a tizzy because apparently on the way over, he was cut off by a "hoodlum in black leather" on a motorcycle. Jesse storms through the kitchen entrance ranting about a "walnut driving 6 miles per hour." They realize immediately that they were talking about each other and I really can't believe that they never met prior to the wedding! Ridiculous!

The Donaldson's move into the kitchen where they happen upon Danny and Joey, both without pants on. Danny weakly explains that they had to switch pants because they got their tuxes confused, but the Donaldson's still look pretty appalled. Becky starts freaking out and Jesse has to calm her down. They kiss as D.J. narrates, "The last kiss before the big 'I do.' A moment to be treasured... I'm D.J. Tanner." Ha! They both turn and look at D.J. pointedly and that was pretty awesome.

Howie's in his jammies pretending he's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He threatens the heads of Michelle's Barbies and she gets pretty pissed.

Mr. D goes to have a talk with Jesse and tells him to call him Kenneth. Among many things, he tells Jesse how he too used to be a wild man on the rodeo circuit before he settled down for married life. Mr. D also scores an excellent barb here by telling him that he wears clothes that should be wallets. Bwah! He tells Jesse that it's about time for him to hang up his spurs and settle down. Early the next morning, Jesse tells Joey how marriage means no more adventures and that if he has any doubts he shouldn't walk down the aisle.

It's 7AM on Valentine's Day, 3 hours prior to the wedding. He's taking Joey with him to an undisclosed location. Eventually the rest of the family stirs and realizes that Jesse and Joey are missing.

Cut to Jesse and Joey seated in an airplane with Jesse suited up to skydive. His last words to Joey are that if anything should happen to him on this adventure, then he wants him to marry Becky. With that, Jesse leaps from the plane and Joey looks on with horror as he realizes that Jesse has jumped without his... mousse.

The family is gathered at the church with the girls wearing their peach nightmares of bridesmaid dresses. Michelle spies Howie in his tux and proclaims him to be a "hunk." If the crib's a rockin'... ugh, I've just thoroughly disgusted myself. Danny's spreading the word that the groom is missing and everyone is relieved when Joey shows up. But there's a look of panic across Joey's face when he realizes that Jesse has yet to make it to the church. Cut to Jesse stuck in a tree. Ruh Roh! And so ends part one...

Ugh, for some reason, recapping duties for part two falls on the shoulders of Ug. Why do they do this to me?

Picking up where we left off, Jesse's parachute has left him caught in and hanging from a tree. A tomato truck takes notice of him and stops to offer a hand. Problem is, the driver figures he can get Jesse down in 2-3 hours. Obviously that sort of time frame isn't going to work out for the Jess man and he unclips his release and free-falls into the massive amounts of tomatoes in the back of the truck.

Tomato truck driver is PISSED, especially when Jesse casually suggests that he make ketch-up out of the squashed tomatoes. What Jesse doesn't know is that he's in "Tomato Country" and telling someone to "go make ketch-up" is the equivalent of telling them to fuck themselves... I think. To make matters worse, Jesse attempts to steal the tomato truck and make a getaway, but as he gets inside, a cop pulls up. Busted!

D.J. and Stephanie are still filming away at the church. Methinks this isn't something that Becky's going to want to relive. They interview a hungry Joey and also manage to get Becky's concerned yet furious words for Jesse. Danny's on the phone trying to track down Jesse and finally Jesse calls... from Tomato Country prison. Becky borrows her father's car keys to go bail her man out of the slammer.

She shows up livid and wondering why in the hell he chose the morning of their wedding to jump out of the plane. When he explains why he wanted to have one last adventure, she tells him that marriage is going to be the greatest adventure and that they can try new and exciting things together. They kiss and the cop is so touched, he drops the charges on account of it being Valentine's Day.

They run outside just in time to see Mr. Donaldson's car towed. Wow is he going to be PISSED! They manage to get a ride on a bus carrying a gospel choir who recognize Becky from WUSF. They're so star-struck they even let her drive the bus. Man, I hope she's licensed to do that. Then I remember she's from Nebraska, so she probably is. The choir sings during the drive and when they pull up to the church they file in behind Jesse and Rebecca.

Finally it's time for the wedding. Michelle begins her flower girl procession and runs out of rose petals halfway down the aisle. You suck! You suck! You suck! We don't even get to see D.J. and Stephanie walk down the aisle, and I'm assuming it's because Jesse didn't have any ushers and they didn't want to address that.

It's vow time and rather than recite pretty words, Jesse does his in song. Oh yes, it's time for "Forever." ["If every word I said, could make you laugh, I'd talk forever..." I could go on and do the whole thing, and you know that you could too!] The music swells as the gospel choir chimes in and I must confess, it sounds great. Over the musical interlude, they play a photo montage of the two actors as babies, then children, teens, and ends with some of Jesse & Becky's classic romantic moments. It's actually a pretty nice touch.

Back to the wedding, Becky has joined Jesse on the piano bench and sings the final verse in "Forever" with him. Aww, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Jesse Katsopolis.

Because of the time lapse due to Jesse's temporary incarceration, they lost the hall for the wedding reception so it's being held at the Tanner's house. I can't even believe that they weren't just planning to have it there from the get-go. D.J. busts Michelle eyeing the cake in the kitchen and tells her to back off. Ug quips that she's "just looking" and man I wish D.J. would backhand her monkey-faced ass.

Time for the first dance as man and wife. Jesse and Becky preface their selection by explaining that he wanted to select an Elvis song and Becky preferred a ballad, and I call shenanigans because Elvis had ballads. Hello? "Can't Help Falling in Love" is one of my all-time favorites! How could they overlook this perfect solution to their quandary? Instead, Jesse launches into a slow ballad-y version of "Jailhouse Rock" until Becky tells them to hit it, and everyone rocks out. Unfortunately, "everyone" also includes Howie and Michelle who do some stupid kid dance that some may find "cute."

There's a montage of scenes from the reception including cutting the cake and shoving it in each other's faces. Time for a segue rant. I absolutely abhor the tradition of smashing cake into the bride or groom's face. I just think it's gross and shows a great amount of disrespect to do that to someone you're supposed to love and be partners with. I just find it to be very low-brow and trashy. My sister and mom feel the same way. Maybe we're just snobs, but I don't think I'm alone here.

D.J. catches the bouquet and years were just removed from Danny's life. Michelle catches the garter, and I think it's always a small child who catches it because it's hilariously inappropriate. Becky and Jesse change clothes and ride off on Jesse's harley to celebrate their honeymoon. Aww yay, Just Married.

"Mr. Tanner, your daughter is the most beautiful woman in the world." "She's okay." or Greek Week (4.1)

2008-02-11T16:02:00.001-05:00

Yessssssssss! Finally the Greeks are coming to San Francisco! Half of me loves this episode because I'm part Greek and everything Greek is awesome (namely the food and dancing and the "Opah!"), but the other half of me absolutely abhors this episode because it features both Olsen twins onscreen at the same time. TWO "Michelle's"! The horror! THE HORROR! I'll try to be brave.

Anyway, the Greeks have all flown into town to celebrate Papouli and YiaYia's 50th wedding anniversary. Ugh, and here she comes. Melina, Jesse's goddaughter who was never mentioned before and will never be mentioned again, is one of the Olsen's donning a brown wig. Thankfully because she's Greek, she doesn't speak too much. I heard that one of the Olsen's was considerably less into acting and sucked a lot more, so I'm guessing that's the one portraying Melina. I can't remember which one it was, but I'm sure it's easily googlable.

Also in the Greek troupe is Silvio, who apparently has been staring at and subsequently masturbating to D.J.'s picture since he hit puberty. He tells her that she's even more beautiful than person which is met with an "Oh Mylanta!" from a swooning D.J. She goes off to show Silvio around San Fran and Danny gives Stephanie strict instructions to keep a watchful eye on D.J., Silvio and their raging hormones.

Rounding out this motley crew of Greeks is Elena, Silvio's older sister who comes in and makes a beeline straight for Jesse and greats him with a big ol' kiss on the lips, much to the chagrin of Becky. Apparently Elena and Jesse were childhood sweethearts when he visited Greece as a boy and he can't believe Little Elena has grown into such a sexified woman. He introduces Little Elena to Big Becky.

Papouli refers to Silvio as a young Jesse and Danny's life just got a whole lot worse with that bit of information. D.J. and Silvio come back from a tour of the town and they kiss and walk around the table. Jesse mentions that he remembers doing that walking around the table ritual with Elena when they were younger and she's ecstatic that he remembered after all of these years. Apparently in Greek culture, that walk around the table symbolizes marriage. D.J. and Jesse have some excellent "Oh shit!" faces when they realize they just got married.

Now at the 50th wedding anniversary, everyone's having a rip-roaring great Greek time. Naturally Becky is PISSED and she begins smashing plates all over the place. Unfortunately, this doesn't really carry the kind of emotion she's trying to convey because you know us Greeks love smashing us some plates all over the place at all of our happy celebrations! Jesse goes to Elena and tells her that he has to break it off because he's so in love with Becky. Becky and Danny lead both newlywed couples over to Papouli and ask that they be granted divorces.

Luckily for them, according to Papouli, because no farm animals changed hands, divorce is possible. And how do they go about it, you ask? Why by simply walking around the table backwards! You know, I love my Greek heritage and all, but I sincerely doubt these marriages and divorces would hold up in a court of law.

Silvio and Elena commiserate over the fact that they travelled 12,000 miles for divorces and regret that they didn't opt for a trip to Disneyland instead.

Onto more blissful marriages... Papouli makes a really beautiful toast to his wife and I get a little verklempt. Inspired by this display of true everlasting love, Jesse gets down on one knee and proposes to Becky who tearfully accepts.

This happy moment is ruined by the international twins of Ug who remind me of those creepy girls from "The Shining" do an annoying dance to some traditional Greek music. They can't send little Melina back soon enough.

"I lost him! I lost a whole Beach Boy!" or Our Very First Telethon (3.24)

2008-02-10T14:50:00.000-05:00

Everyone pop some corn and get your checkbooks ready, it's time for the We [Heart] Our Children Telethon '90!

We kick it off with some more of Joey's crappy stand-up which he uses as a bizarre segue into a magic trick. I find this ironic because I seem to recall an episode where Joey dissed magicians, but whatever, we already know Joey's a douche. His trick consists of putting Becky into one of those boxes and cutting her into thirds. Apparently magic tricks (or "Illusions" as Gob would say on "Arrested Developmet") are a little more difficult than Mr. Gladstone thought, because he can't complete the trick and leaves Becky stuck in the box.

Becky starts getting pissed because she's supposed to be a part of the next act, singing a duet with Danny. For some reason, they can't shake up their set list, so the music begins and Danny comes out and begins singing with Becky while Joey furiously works to release her. They warble through some ballad about what they'd do for love, all the while with Becky shooting some verbal barbs at Danny and like, what is she pissed at him for? Yeah, you're stuck in a box and that sucks, but why is that Danny's fault? He's just trying to keep the show rolling. Eventually Becky is released for the final notes of the song.

Time elapses and everyone else gets to go home and get some rest except for Danny. Apparently he's the predominant host and they don't have anyone to relieve him for a few hours. Danny finally succumbs to fatigue and passes out. By this time the rest of the Tanner clan have made their way back to the telethon studio and do their best to fill the void left by an unconscious Danny. Seriously though, it's only 24 hours... you're not that old Danny, and it's not that hard to go 24 hrs straight, but whatever.

Jesse sings with Michelle and then she performs the alphabet and naturally the producer of the telethon is less than thrilled with this display of "talent." Jesse and Joey take over hosting duties and like, where the eff is Becky? I know she went home to sleep, but I was under the impression this was a WUSF thing, so why don't they make her ass cover for Danny for a while? Or why didn't they work it out that they hosted the telethon in shifts with minor overlap so that they could each share equal parts hosting with equal resting time?

Stephanie then does a wicked badass, and very 1990 dance to "Love Shack." The guys ask D.J. to sing some song that she always does for Michelle. They get her a shopping cart and oversized lollipop from somewhere and she serenades Michelle with a song about lollipops and gummi bears and are you sure they didn't plan this? Joey takes the microphone and starts engaging in a horrific Steven Tyler impersonation. Thankfully, Jesse stops him before he completely butchers "Janie's Got a Gun."

The get a call from someone who is willing to pledge $200 if she can see Kimmy Gibbler ride her unicycle to "Saber Dance (in G)". Jesse attempts to deny the request by saying that unfortunately, Kimmy and her unicycle are nowhere to be found, but he's interrupted by Kimmy riding out from backstage on said unicycle. She yells out "Thanks Mom!" and circles the stage. The circus music and mobile Gibbler is enough to finally stir Danny from his 4 hour slumber.

Mike Love of the Beach Boys shows up and agrees to perform "Be True to Your School" on the condition that they bring the cheerleaders over to flank him and shake their pom pom's, if ya know what I mean. Jesse always has to be center of attention and engages in an excessively long drum solo. The song is enough to put the grand total from the telethon over the $1 million mark and Danny is elated. Aren't we all?

"In Illinois, we used to roast weenies and burp tupperware!" or Fraternity Reunion (3.23)

2008-02-09T19:02:00.000-05:00

Danny and Joey are getting geared up for their fraternity reunion and are doing so by singing their frat song. Jesse, the only true Greek in the house, comes into the kitchen after being tagged on his motorcycle by a hot pink spray-paint wielding vandal. He's got a pink stripe running down his helmet as well as the back of his leather jacket. Man, that sucks, I bet that shit was expensive.

Danny and Joey provide a little exposition as they explain how back in the day, Danny disgraced the fraternity by allowing their rival sorority to steal their mascot, a seal. I'm surprised that Danny's invite didn't get lost in the mail. Joey and Danny plot to steal the seal back to get back in the good graces.

Meanwhile, Kimmy and D.J. are doing their homework and need to watch the news to do so. Unfort, they also "need" to watch MTV, what are they to do? They decide to carry the really heavy, large television up to D.J. and Stephanie's room, rather than transport their much smaller television down to the living room. I think we all know where this is headed. While balancing the television atop the railing, Kimmy's shit gets caught underneath, and when she yanks it free, the poor television goes toppling down to the floor and smashes.

The guys hear the commotion and come a-running. Apparently, Danny feels as strongly about the almighty T.V. as I do, and flips a shit. He blames Kimmy for all of the mischief D.J. finds herself into and banishes her from the Tanner home. Harsh!

Later D.J. and Stephanie are at the kitchen table and do some weird sort of "Stomp"-esque routine involving plastic cups and clapping and whatnots, and it's pretty impressive, albeit completely random.

Danny and Joey leave, dressed in drag, preparing to infiltrate the rival sorority. Their cover story is that they're from one of the midwest chapters, you know, because they're homely [To any of my readers who may be from the midwest, I keed I keed! Three of my best friends are from Wisconsin! Save the hate mail.] They see the seal, and it's such a ghetto stuffed animal, I can't even believe that that's their precious mascot. I had stuffed animal seals when I was a kid that were way better than that mess.

A lecherous waiter who kind of resembles Stephen King hits on Danny. Danny is understandably creeped out and Joey tells him to not settle for less than a doctor. As a waitress who serves many doctors who prove on a nightly basis that money can't buy class, I speak for all of my fellow servers when I say, Blow it out your ass, Gladstone! For some unexplained reason, this group of 30-something sorority hags decide to have a limbo contest. And because Joey's a total idiot, he declares himself a "limbo bimbo" and proceeds to go down low and lose his wig in the process. Busted!

Danny grabs the seal and they try to make a break for it, passing it back and forth, pursued by the sorority hags until they are finally tackled and tickled down to the ground. They come up handcuffed and think it's a joke, but it turns out one of the hags is actually a cop. Double busted for grand theft seal! The icing on the cake, the waiter comes back and snatches his number away from Danny calling him a tease. Bwah!

Down at the precint, Danny and Joey are being tormented and asked if they're there for a "fashion violation." The guys didn't bring any money in their purses and are unable to make bail, and the sorority hag cop is being a total C-U-next-Tuesday about the whole mess. Bitch, get over yourself. I hate sorority ho's [again, no offense to my possible sorority girl readers, but I've never met one I've jived with].

Danny uses his phone call to call D.J. and tells her to get his checkbook from his room and call Becky or Claire to come bail him out. D.J., who was supposed to be teaching UgTot Patty Cake, leaves her in the lurch. I laugh at Michelle's unhappiness.

Danny returns to the cell that's full of menacing looking thugs who just happen to be huge fans of WUSF and Danny! Ha! Danny Tanner has a huge prison following. I don't know why that makes me so happy, but it does.

Kimmy is at the Tanner's. Stephanie begins to protest that she's been banned, but D.J. called her to come baby-sit the girls while she goes down to bail Danny out of jail. Becky and Grandma were nowhere to be found and wow, way to be great emergency contacts when a 13 year old girl is alone baby-sitting her little sisters. Hey... where the hell is Jesse? D.J. calls a cab to go down to the clink, leaving Kimmy to teach Michelle patty-cake. Dammit. Why does she always get her way?

In Danny and Joey's cell, the thugs are performing a rousing rendition of "New York, New York" complete with a dance routine! Bravo! Bravo! Encore. D.J. comes in and then sorority hag cop bitch snatch face finally decides to drop the charges. About fucking time. Nevermind the fact that you forced a 13 year old girl to take a cab unaccompanied just so you could win your petty pissing contest. What a wench. Why don't you clean some of the sand out of your vagina? Man sobriety is taking it's toll on my tolerance of annoying fictional television characters...

Danny, Joey and D.J. come home, the guys still in drag, and are met with shocked expressions from the girls and this awesome dialogue:
Michelle: "Daddy, you're a girl!"
Stephanie: "No. He's a woman."
Kimmy: "An UGLY woman!"

Pure brilliance. Danny doesn't lay into Kimmy when he realizes that she covered his ass and Stephanie even vouches for her as being a great baby-sitter. She even hugs her goodnight. Before you become baffled by this display of utter character inconsistency, Stephanie catches herself and can't believe she hugged Kimmy. Danny's feeling generous and reduces Kimmy's banishment to one week.

Danny then turns on Joey and blames him for all of the trouble they got into that night because self-responsibility isn't a fave pastime of Danno's. D.J. points out the parallels of their friendship and D.J. and Kimmy's and how even though Kimmy and Joey often find themselves in mischief, they make their lives more exciting. They hug it out (Man Love!).

Jesse comes in from a motorcycle ride through nature (oh, so THAT'S where he was) and Danny is now in man clothes but missed one of the pearl earrings, which Jesse totally bags him on after a lengthy rant. Busted! Again! This is like the 4th time tonight! Tough night all around for the Tall Geeky Giant.

"Who wanted to talk to him?" or Three Men and Another Baby (3.22)

2008-02-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

Sobriety has like restored my energy. Who knew that by not drinking I could wake up before noon? Plus, I've been working on a bunch of new art projects... damn, why didn't I cut back on boozing sooner? Plus, now I can do more blogging!

Another nauseating UgTot-centric opening. This time it's Joey betting Michelle a kiss that he can make a flower dance. It's one of those dancing flowers that move when you play music or make noise near them. Naturally he wins the bet and goes to collect his kiss. Ew.

Danny meanwhile, is in the kitchen unaware of the budding pedophilia transpiring in the living room. Apparently it's Friday, which is "Mop 'til you Drop" day and Danny has managed to mop himself into a corner. He's sitting atop the kitchen counter.

Comet's being a bad puppy and is in desperate need of some obedience school. The neighbors need the Tanner's to baby-sit their son Tony, and it looks like the same parents that D.J. sat for when she was trying to earn money for her own phone. Becky is cooking dinner for the family, which should be interesting. Even though Danny was the one who agreed to sit for Tony, he leaves to take Comet to obedience school, saddling Jesse & Joey with the task of baby-sitting. I was about to argue about how unfair that was, until I remembered that J&J are mooches living under Danny's roof. If he needs them to scrub the skidmarks out of his undies, they better do it and do it with a smile. Not that Danny Tanner ever has skidmarks in his underwear, Danny Tanner knows how to wipe!

Joey goes to help D.J. with her math homework, leaving Jesse and Becky to look after Tony. Helping with D.J.'s homework is a lot like when I help my BFF do his math homework; I pretty much do it all while he talks on the phone to Kimmy Gibbler. It's some word problem about nuts (Hee!)

Baby Tony, meanwhile, has taken an immediate liking to Uncle Jesse. They put him down for a nap in Michelle's old crib and Jesse serenades him with "Goodnight My Love," a lullaby formerly popularized during Michelle's bedtimes. UgTot is getting totally depressed and emo about being neglected by Jesse and my heart swells with glee. Sad Michelle=Happy Milkman.

Becky's cooking something fierce for dinner, some sort of spicy chicken and pasta dish.

And now Michelle's annoying levels skyrocket off of the charts. She starts acting like a (bigger) baby to try and get attention from Jesse. Seriously, I can't even get into all of the annoying shit that she does because my Michelle hatred knows no bounds in this episode. Becky suggests that Jesse try to reward her for "big girl behavior" and I say, why not just punish the little ho?

Joey attempted to answer the word problem by calling the nut store (Hee! Also, are there strictly nut stores? I've never seen like a nut emporium...) He comes to D.J. thinking he's got everything figured out, but she already got the answer by calling her school's Homework Hotline for help. Luckily for Joey, she's got a whole 'nother set of word problems for Joey to do, instructing him to make sure to show all of his work.

Jesse goes to D.J. and Steph for suggestions of big girl rewards for their horribly fugly bratty sister, and they attempt to give away one another's toys. D.J. tries to sell her on Mr. Bear, whereas Stephanie campaigns for Michelle to select D.J.'s Pillow Person. We can all tell that Stephanie's about to get the short end of this deal because Mr. Bear is the shit, and who the fuck would want a crappy Pillow Person? Poor Stephanie, obviously Michelle takes Mr. Bear and how can they even ask her to part with him especially after the time Michelle hid him and Stephanie was totally distraught.

UgTot continues to act like a complete and total shithead baby. Stephanie calls shenanigans on the whole ordeal and insists that Mr. Bear be returned because Michelle isn't upholding her part of the deal of being a big girl. She refuses. HATE! How is it possible to hate a fictional toddler so fucking much?

Danny comes home with Comet from obedience school and is notified of the Michelle issue. He tells them that they just need to talk to her like a big girl. Yeah right, Danny, like that idiot would understand. Michelle whines that Jesse "likes Tony better than [her]" and it's just like, well yeah duh, who wouldn't? Jesse has a stupid talk about being a big girl with Ug and there's giggles, kisses and hugs and I just died a little on the inside. Finally, Michelle returns Mr. Bear to Stephanie and for some reason, Stephanie's all thankful and says "Oh Michelle, I love you so much." Whatever. That little shit was going to keep him! If I was Steph I would have just marched in there and seized Mr. Bear back. Look how much bigger you are than her! Those Olsen's must have worked some voodoo on the writers to have this kind of bullshit dialogue.

Ug exclaims "Everybody loves me!" and like fucking really? Really? More like nobody loves you. God, that's annoying. Michelle and Tony are lyk super kewl BFFs now, and man, Tony's a chubby baby.

Bear with me the next 46 days...

2008-02-06T23:53:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be more hateful than ever in my blogs because it's Lent time! And for some reason, I decided to give up booze for Lent, so now I'm actually going to have to face all of my life's problems head-on. Yikes. No weed, either. It's going to be a long ass 46 days. But hey, maybe now I'll blog even more! On the other hand, I'm going to try and be healthier; my friend just sent me some old pics from Cinco de Mayo and I was a fine-ass bitch! So I'm going to work out, eat healthier and all that nonsense, and by eliminating the booze and the drugs, I'll probably be back to Cinco de Mayo fabulous by the end of Lent. Yaaaay Jesus!

"I'm in the house and I'm still in the car" or Honey I Broke the House (3.20)

2008-02-05T17:34:00.000-05:00

To complete my hat trick for this truly Super Tuesday, I leave you with my pal Lisa's favorite FH episode, the one where Stephanie crashes the car into the house. Enjoy.

Joey's playing wiffleball in the backyard with UgTot who's moronic ass doesn't know how to run the bases. Joey tells her to run home and she runs inside the house. Stupid ass. I hate lame puns. You've just cheapened the entire experience of this episode for me, writers! Thanks a lot!

D.J. is up in her room doing homework with Kimmy, sharing headphones and listening to Milli Vanilli. They break into occasional bursts of "Blame it on the rain, yeah-ee-yeah!" Stephanie comes in wanting to play a game with the girls. She gets rebuffed and makes a few more desperate pleas for attention from D.J. and Kimmy, and eventually gives up. She tries her luck with Danny and Becky, but they are too busy working on their next episode of WUSF. She finds Jesse and tries to tell him a story about her day, but he's already heard it.

Now scoring 0-3, Stephanie goes to her last resort, Joey. He's out back working on his brand new used car, Rosie. He notices that Rosie has a knick in the paint and asks Stephanie to watch over the car while he runs to the store for some touch-up paint.

Stephanie sits inside the car and is playing pretend driver, and decides that she wants to listen to some music while she's in there. So, she turns the car on. Because Stephanie's apparently afflicted with the same brand of stupid that Michelle is, she thinks that the R standing for reverse means radio. Um, okay. You know I love me some Steph, but seriously? She's like 8 and doesn't know that the radio is controlled by the dials in the middle console.

Time for my (not so) random segue of the recap!: This kind of reminds me of a story that happened between two of my co-workers a week or two ago. We'll call them Scuba and Chops. Scuba moved into Chops' house and after about a week, it was clear that it was a bad idea. They sometimes get along but more often than not, annoy the piss out of each other. But, Scuba and Chops went out to eat and drink at our neighboring restaurant. And although Chops hadn't had all that much to drink, he has a pretty well-documented history of drug use. Anyway, so Chops has a few drinks and gets himself to the point of passing out onto the table in this fine dining restaurant. This type of behavior can get us fired, so Scuba was kind enough to pick Chops up and carry him out to his car to wait while Scuba and his ladyfriend finished their meals and drinks [Side note: Chops doesn't have a car of his own]. Before he left, Chops asked Scuba to turn the radio on in the car. And because Scuba is a moron, he did and left Chops in the car, drunk almost to the point of unconsciousness, along with his keys in the ignition. He went back into the restaurant and when he came back out, obviously his car was gone, taken by the drunken madman. And because Scuba is really the biggest idiot ever, he proceeded to call a cab, NOT call the cops on his drunk roommate joyriding in his car around town, and got drunk in our bar whilst waiting for the cab. He never even yelled at Chops for this incident. He is like the biggest pussy ever.

Anyway so Stephanie puts the car into reverse and backs it through the kitchen window. Maybe it's different in older cars, but in every car I've ever driven you need to push down the brake pedal to change gears, and there's no way Stephanie would have been able to reach the pedal and hold it down while shifting. But, again, I'm kind of cranky and might be nitpicky and certainly don't have a vast knowledge of the mechanics of an older automobile.

D.J. and Kimmy are still doing homework but are now listening to and singing Paula Abdul's "Straight Up Now Tell Me" (is it gonna be you and me forever? Oh oh oh!)(Sorry, I totally used to rock out to "Shut Up and Dance"). Michelle tells D.J. that there's a car in the house but because Michelle's an idiot, D.J. gives her the brush-off. Stephanie packs a suitcase and we hear a horn honk, it's her ride to dance class.

Later, D.J. and Kimmy venture down to the kitchen for a snack and finally see the car. Their reaction? "Whoa baby!" D.J. asks how Joey's car got into the kitchen and Michelle answers, "Through the window." I almost laugh. Almost. Jesse comes in carrying groceries that obscure his vision, but when he sees the car he says (what else?) "Have mercy!"

Danny comes home through the front door and calls out "Where is everybody?" Kimmy, forever the queen of tact and finesse quips, "In your new garage!" Danny comes in and despite the initial shock, he makes sure that everyone is uninjured and I've got to say, he's taking it fairly well. I mean, there's a freaking car in his kitchen! Finally he asks where Joey is.

Becky is in her apartment and there's a knock on the door. It's Stephanie. She had her carpool drop her off so that she could say goodbye. Stephanie doesn't get a chance to explain what she did that's causing her to run away because then Jesse arrives at the door. He's bearing roses and an apology for being a douche earlier about Becky having lunch with some guy. Stephanie hides in the closet and Jesse thinks it's that McIntire guy that Becky was supposed to go out with. He pulls open the door to reveal Stephanie hiding in a large trench coat that's hanging on the door. He asks what she's doing here and she again goes for the cheap pun of "Just hanging around." Man, the writers didn't really work their brains too hard with this episode, did they? She tells Jesse and Becky about crashing the car into the house and they convince her to go home and face Danny.

Back at the Tanner's Joey comes home with his touch-up paint, completely oblivious to the new location of his precious Rosie. Thankfully he's met by UgTot with one of her obnoxious trademarked catchphrases: "You're in big trouble, mister." Somebody slap her! Stephanie comes home and confesses to everyone what she did and apologizes profusely. The irony of the situation? Joey reveals that the radio didn't even work! Ha! I'll forgive the writer's for those cheap jokes earlier for that delicious plot twist.

Stephanie launches into a long self-deprecating speech about hating herself and banishing herself under her covers until she's married. Danny gently points out that she may have some difficulty finding a spouse under there. She acknowledges that she's in for a big time punishment because she wrecked Joey's car and broke the house. Danny tells her that even though she will be punished, the car and the house can be fixed but there's only one Stephanie Judith Tanner and she can't ever be replaced and that's something he thinks about every day. Stephanie tells her Dad that she loves him and we close on a warm fuzzy home with a gaping hole that will be fixed by the next episode and never heard from again.

"What's a hug compared to the joy of opening one's wallet?" or Those Better Not Be the Days (3.19)

2008-02-05T15:09:00.000-05:00

This is hands down one of my favorite FH episodes only for the amazing dream sequence of what the Tanner household would be in the future if the girls remain selfish brats... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

We kick off with another creepy Jesse and Michelle segment. He's attempting to teach her her left from her right in a "hilarious" dialogue that's attempting to achieve a "Who's on first?" type of humor. It doesn't work. Not that "Who's on first?" is all that funny anyway, but maybe I'm just a cynic.

D.J. and Stephanie barge in in a cloud of brattiness, getting ready to go to the amusement park with the Gibbler's. D.J. apparently demanded that Danny clean and press her sweater, but upon receiving it, she crams it into her backpack. Joey got Stephanie's camera ready for the day, loaded with a brand new roll of film, and at the last moment she decides not to bring it. Jesse comes into the room with a map of the park with all of the best attractions mapped out for them. The girls only have one ride in mind and Jesse sadly crumbles the map he spent all day marking up for them. I'm already seething at the girls' selfish brattiness, and it bothers me because they never normally act like this. It's totally inconsistent to their characters. MICHELLE is the brat! Come on, people!

Unfortunately it's raining, so the amusement park is a no-go. Kimmy managed to piss of her parents and has been grounded to the Tanner's house. If I didn't enjoy Kimmy's presence, I'd comment on the ballsiness of the Gibblers, but whatevs.

Jesse and Becky had planned to have a romantic picnic, but the rain forced them to relocate to inside. Jesse tries to suggest moving the picnic to Becky's apartment, but Stephanie butts in and tells them to have it here. And better yet, do it in her room and she'll join them! I think one of my biggest beefs with this show is the fact that these grown ass men bend to every whim of some bratty kids. I mean, hello? You're an adult, fucking act like it. I'll be damned if I ever let a snot-nosed brat control my life. I mean, yeah, when you have kids they're a priority, but you still need to be the one laying down the law and setting the rules. No way my kids will be running around all willy nilly and interrupting my sexytime picnics! No way, no how.

D.J. then turns to Danny and demands that he bring her and Kimmy to the movies. Instead of calling her on her rudeness then and there, he agrees and then complains about it later. As much as I do agree that the girls are being total bitches, the guys act like spineless pussies and just take all of their abuse. Again, see above sentiment and assert yourself as the fucking adult in this situation. Sorry for the rant, but I just hate ineffective parenting. Maybe I'll sing a different tune when I have kids myself, but most likely not. I'll always be the HBIC (TM New York).

Joey gets off easy playing hide and seek with Michelle. I say easy only because there's less demanding due to limited vocabulary, but he does have to look at her ugly mug, which is punishment enough. Danny returns with D.J. and Kimmy who are chastising him for the movie being sold out. They blame it on his slow driving. And he just takes it. Seriously Danny! Grow a pair! Jesse and Becky come down from their picnic in Stephanie's room, where Stephanie apparently ate all of the caviar. Becky tells her that she's glad she enjoyed it and then turns to Danny and tells him straight up that he owes her $200 for it. Haha, rule with an iron fist, Beck-a-tron! The girls demand to be taken to the ice rink to go skating and leave to find their skates without awaiting a reply.

The guys sink down into the kitchen chairs and complain about how selfish the girls are acting and how they've heard nothing but demands all afternoon without so much as a single "please" or "thank you." They come up with the brilliant idea to play role reversal and let the girls act as the parents and they will take their turn in acting like selfish brats. Um, whatever floats your boat I guess. I'm all for raising voices and harsh disciplinarian action! Punish dem ho's! The girls come in with all of their skating gear, ready to go when Danny springs this new idea for a game to them. They're excited to exercise their newfound authority and do so by first ordering the guy's to clean their rooms before watching television. Jesse and Joey grumble, but Danny smirks because naturally his room's already immaculate.

It's lunchtime and the guys sit and wait for the girls to prepare their lunches for them. They act like fussy brats and reject their sandwiches and make the process of pouring drinks quite difficult. Not quite grasping the parallels of their bratty behavior, D.J. gets fed up and sends them all to their room. Jesse's miffed, "Oh great game Danny. Now we're being punished." Jesse and Danny sneak down to Joey's room and he freaks out, worrying about the trouble they'll get into if the girls discover them. Danny laments that his plan has backfired and the girls haven't been taught anything by this experiment. The guys then imagine how life would be if the girls continue down this path and are still living at home. And thus begins the most awesome dream sequence ever.

Somehow, in his older years, Danny adopted Judaism right down to the Yiddish accent. Oh...kay. He's toting a dustbuster and I'm happy to report that he's still a lean mean cleaning machine. Not quite as lean is Joey, who is a total fatass with a mustache. Jesse is wearing his jungle jammies and rocking a fierce mullet toupe. Becky comes in sporting a massive badonkadonk booty. Jesse attempts to unleash his catchphrase, but can't get past, "Have..." Danny suggests "...a nice bowl of Cream of Wheat?" Rebecca, fed up, yells, "Have MERCY, you old poop!" Jesse stubbornly insists that that's not it, and finally settles on "Have... pity?" Becky boasts that her main squeeze Jess is the world's oldest Elvis impersonator. I'd believe it. Jesse accuses the guys of checking out Becky to which Yiddish Danny awesomely replies, "Where am I supposed to look? Your woman is EVERYWHERE!"

The girls start yelling for their breakfast and the guys tray it up and deliver it to them upstairs. The girls are still brats, and Kimmy Gibbler pops in for a visit. She's now superhot and the guys nearly fall over themselves when they see her. Adult Michelle is possibly borderline retarded, and coincidentally is played by Dave Coulier's real-life spouse of 2 years, Jayne Modean. Danny says, "She was so smart when she was 3..." Man, I love this bit. I literally laugh my ass off at the guys as old men. The girls make their demands and take off and the guys tumble onto one of the beds fighting and you can just tell that they were having a great time shooting this scene.

Back to reality, Danny says that they can all learn a lot from that story. Joey: "Yeah, I'm going to start being a lot nicer to Kimmy Gibbler." Heh. Lech. The girls bust the guys down in Joey's room and as they launch into a lengthy lecture, the logistics of the experiment and the parallels of their behavior dawns on D.J. The girls apologize for being selfish brats and vow to stop taking the guys for granted. Lesson learned.

"I know, but this is a show people I know watch!" or Mr. Egghead (3.18)

2008-02-05T12:12:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the awesome feedback re: Spin the Bottle. I have the night off of work so I'm expecting to crank out a few recaps for your viewing pleasure today/tonight.

We open with what some may construe as a "cute" Michelle moment. Unfortunately, I blacked out from my repulsion and am unable to recap what happened here. I'm quite sure that none of you will be upset about that considering that Michelle's annoyance is totally dominating the polls.

Stephanie meanwhile, asks Uncle Jesse to help her practice taking pictures for her class photo. Apparently last year she wa caught mid-sneeze and was labeled "Sneezeburger" by her peers. And I have to ask, what is with all of these San Francisco kids using "burger" at the end of every insult? UgTot fugs her way into the room and brats, "Are you having fun without me?" Ho, every moment you're far away from me is a barrel of fun.

D.J. and Danny come in, Danny outraged by the fact that he received a ticket on their drive home. Apparently he was in a right turn only lane but the sign was obscured by an overgrown bush (Hee! Dirty!). D.J. is Danny's witness to the lack of sign visibility and offers to come to court with him to fight the ticket, especially if he can do it the same day as her big test. In lighter news... I guess, Danny got Joey an audition for the children's show, "Mr. Egghead." D.J. wisely questions Joey's abilities to fill the shoes of the old Mr. Egghead and doubts his knowledge of science. I'm sure this, like many other of Joey's hidden talents, will be completely glossed over. Joey begs and eventually recruits Jesse to be his musical sidekick, The Professor.

Danny preps D.J. for their court appearance and instructs her to wear all blue, because studies have proven that juries are sympathetic to the color. Um, hate to burst your legal bubble Dan-O, but they don't really summon a jury for a minor traffic infraction. Stephanie is bouncing off the walls with excitement about her upcoming week: Wednesday her class gets to visit the set of the Mr. Egghead show, Thursday is class picture day and Friday is pizza day. Hey, I'm with you Steph. That sounds like a bombass week.

And it's apparently Wednesday because here were are on "Mr. Egghead." And Walter, you remember Walter, don't you? A.K.A. "Ducklips"? Well since we last saw him, Ducklips Walter went from shy quiet dork to a loud annoying know-it-all. The topic of the day on "Mr. Egghead" is Energy. Joey, and his lack of qualifications tells us that energy is the ability to do work and can be found all around us in things like the sun, muscles and man, what a snoozefest. Joey is certainly no Bill Nye or even Beakman.

Joey points out that there's even energy in Walter who poses the question of how the speed of light is calculated in a black hole. The hell? What kind of little kid asks that shit? Dork! I might even go so far as to invoke the sacred nomenclature "Dorkus Malorkus." Joey redirects the question to the Professor who provides this excellent response: "Walter, I'm going to tell you what my Dad told me: look it up!" Ha! Zing! Man, Jesse does look 10x foxier in his spectacles.

Joey selects Stephanie to assist them in today's "egg-speriment." Walter's annoying ass informs everyone that Stephanie and Mr. Egghead live together and call shenanigans on this mess. The class begins a chant of "Fix!" which Jesse exacerbates by joining in with the musical accompaniment in the form of baseball's "Charge!" theme. Joey chastises him for "egging" them on. The machinery required for the experiment isn't working and Walter talks more shit and Jesse suggests that he show himself to the "Egg-xit." Man, I can't wait til we're done with these egg puns.

As Joey attempts to fix the energy machine, Stephanie entertains the "crowd" (as this is merely an audition and aside from her classmates, there's no audience watching) with a rousing rendition of "Tomorrow." As she's warbling, the machine springs to life and the boxing glove hurls forward catching Stephanie right in the nose. It's pretty funny, but I can't help but wish it was Michelle getting smacked in the face.

Joey and Jesse bring Stephanie home from the hospital and she just has a little bandage on her nose. Of course Stephanie laments that picture day is ruined and Joey is ridden with guilt. He tries to compensate with a plethora of gifts and Joey is shitting his pants in fear of telling Danny that he broke Stephanie's nose. Relax Joe, it's not his firstborn of his precious princess, it's his forgotten middle child. I'm sure he won't mind all that much.

Unfortunately for Joe Schmoe, Danny comes back in a less than stellar mood. While he was arguing his ticket, his car got towed. It ended up costing him $100 to beat a $30 ticket. To brighten things up, Danny asks Joey how his Mr. Egghead audition went. Joey tells him that he was fired and booed off the stage. Um, can you really be fired from an audition? It's not like you actually had the job... Joey dodges around the reasoning but naturally, UgTot is there to pipe in with, "Joey broke Steffy's nose!" Danny rushes off to check on Stephanie, and Joey follows, still trying to buy her forgiveness. She asks for a big screen television, which D.J. fully supports.

The next day is the epic class picture day and after leaving for school, Stephanie then sneaks back into the house. Michelle finds her, but since she is an easily manipulated idiot toddler, Stephanie gets her to go make her a sandwich and bring it to her upstairs. Unfortunately, stealth is not part of Ug's repertoire and Joey busts her. He follows her upstairs and finds Stephanie and allows himself to be guilted into letting her stay home. Jesse, not being the one who busted the poor child's nose, is a little tougher to crack and insists that she return to school.

He brings her to school and they are met by Joey who arrived earlier to provide the entire glass with those joke glasses with the nose and mustache attached. They take a photo with everyone wearing the glasses and then do one without. And honestly, it's just a small bandage! She doesn't even look that bad. But I mean, it IS elementary school and kids are totally callous douchebags and Stephanie's my favorite, so I'll let this whole incident slide.

"Oh ho, there's that ketchup bottle I was looking for!" or 13 Candles (3.17)

2008-02-02T00:49:00.000-05:00

It's 3:47 AM and D.J. is awake and counting down the seconds to 3:48. And in 3...2...1, our little Donna Joe is officially a teenager. Stephanie is also being kept awake in her bed and is less than thrilled about this milestone.

And just like that, opening credits and D.J.'s rocking 13th birthday bash is in full swing! "My Prerogative" is playing on the the boom box and man, do I love me some old school Bobby Brown. "Everybody's talking all this stuff about me/Why can't they just let me be?" Ugh, didn't Shitney Spears do a cover of that a few years back? Anyway, D.J. is anxiously awaiting the arrival of her crush Kevin Gwinn who is uber cute. That was totally the kind of guy I'd be crushing on in middle school.

Stephanie, the uber snoop, is in the kitchen and desperate to know what's going on in the party. She sends UgTot in on a recon mission to take pictures. D.J. steers her right back into the kitchen and is met with a rousing rendition of "13 Candles" by the guys. Hee. On my 16th birthday one of my tone deaf friends called and left a message on my machine of her singing "16 Candles" in her horrible scratching, warbly voice. A year later she stole my boyfriend and I now hate the bitch, but I look back on that message fondly. D.J. tells Stephanie to get a life and she boasts that she has a date with Joey to the Daffy Duck Festival and pizza. Methinks you should keep that one on the DL, Steph.

D.J. allows the family brief entry into the party to say a quick "Hi" and "Bye" to everyone. As they're being shoved back through the door into the kitchen, Stephanie turns back around and calls out "Bye Kevin!" and when he answers, triumphantly yells, "That's him!" Oof, tres embarassing. Thankfully for Deej, either Kevin's kind of dim or he likes her too, because he doesn't really react.

For some reason, Michelle is dancing in her room with an oversized stuffed Bugs Bunny. Oh... kay. Jesse comes in to be a lecherous uncle and Comet follows. He takes a momentary pause in creeping to make a brief attempt to train Comet and *YAWN* I'm over this scene.

Downstairs, Kimmy is plotting with Cathy Santoni (aka Z.Z. Ziff from "Salute Your Shorts", props to colleenn on that!) on the best way to get the painfully shy D.J. and Kevin together.

Becky is attempting to give Danny a Tango lesson for WUSF upstairs, and Danny's sucking hardcore, so Jesse steps in to show him how it's done. He kicks ass and even adds a little "Tiene mercy" which made me chuckle. Hey! Maybe Stamos should be on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars"! Or is he too good for it now that he's gotten a second wind in the form of "E.R."? Joey joins them and the guys discover that they can eavesdrop on the party through the fireplace in Danny's room. Becky tries to dissuade them, but you know how those guys love being involved to an inappropriate degree in those girls' lives.

Kimmy and Cathy came up with the most obvious and contrived way to get two young pre-teens together: Spin the Bottle! All of the guys simultaneously smack their heads on the top of the fireplace upon hearing that, and are met with a "Serves you right" courtesy of Becky.

Pardon me while I dive off on another one of my tangents that I'm sure all 5 of my readers love! Did anyone ever actually play Spin the Bottle in middle school (or ever)? Because I never did and I was just wondering if I missed out on one of the major rites of passage or was the prevalence of this game heavily exaggerated via television and movies? My lack of StB experience haunts me to this day, I actually feel like I'm kind of missing out on something. In college, I would try to jokingly suggest it as a game at parties hoping that someone else would jump on the idea so I could fulfill this great void in my life, but to no avail. I had to settle with random bar makeouts instead (Makeout Bandit!). So yeah, hit me up comment-style if you guys actually played this and I'm just a total freak who was living under a rock for most of my childhood, or was StB more of an urban legend? And if you did play it, was it totally awesome?!?

Back to the Tanner's living room where the ketchup bottle's a-spinning. Kimmy and Bitterman are the first two to pair off and despite their initial "Ew"'s, after the kiss, there's a newfound electricity between them. Man, I loved the Kimmy-Bitterman dynamic, I was a total 'shipper for them, through and through. Don't get me wrong, in the later episodes, I loved me some Duane ("...whatever."), but how sweet would it have been if they kept bringing Bitterman back through the years? Cathy then urges Kevin to go next while a saxophone version of Madonna's "Crazy for You" plays. All of the party-goers rig it so Kevin gets D.J. and as they stand face to face, nervous as hell and most likely with sweaty palms, and they move in when suddenly all of the guys barge into the room.

Danny flips the light switch back on, Joey starts tossing out peanuts and popcorn and Jesse comes in carrying cassette tapes of "Uncle J's fast dancing, no touching music." Danny snags the ketchup bottle and Jesse tries to start up some dancing claiming that the kids will "have fun fun fun til your Daddy takes the ketchup bottle away!" Kevin is obviously flustered and embarassed and might even possibly have a boner... boys start getting random pop-ups at 13, right? He books it out of there and D.J. is PISSED. She snaps at Kimmy for her stupid suggestion and yells at the guys for ruining her birthday. She storms upstairs to her room and the guys finally get that they fucked shit up. Thankfully Becky is willing to do damage control and goes up to talk to D.J.

The guys sit down at the kitchen table and realize what tools they were acting like. They reminisce about their first kisses: Jesse's was Diane van Sant and Joey and Danny simultaneously reveal that theirs was Colleen Finegan. Unfortunately it is revealed that Danny got Joey's sloppy seconds because he kissed Colleen in 8th grade and Joey had already been there, done that in 7th.

D.J. won't open the door on the first knock, so Becky calls out,"Can I have 5 bucks?" The misdirection tactic works ad D.J.'s confusion and outrage over the request leads her to open the door. They talk about first kisses and how you know it's the right time, and Becky tells the story of her first kiss: she was competing in a 3-legged race and her and her partner fell down and bumped heads and then he kissed her. Aw, that's a pretty cute story. My first kiss story is l-a-m-e. D.J. hopes that her first kiss is as awesome as Becky's. Man, I wish mine was. I'm jealous.

D.J. goes downstairs to apologize to Kimmy and the guys because even though they fucked up, their hearts were in the right place. Is there ever a time on this show when someone's heart is in the wrong place though, really? Maybe Michelle, because she was always a self-serving brat. There's a knock at the back door. The tween girl inside of me's heart skips a beat when they open the door and it's Kevin! Squee! He came back to give D.J. her birthday card that he forgot.

She walks Kevin out and casually mentions that Kimmy thinks that the two of them would make the perfect couple. Because this is a television show, Kevin awesomely and cutely replies that "She can't be wrong all the time." Aww. Young love. They kiss and aww, to be young again. When a kiss meant something and you weren't constantly competing with whores that will fuck and suck anything that moves... um, not like I know any girls like that. This episode made me uber nostalgic for that romantic innocence of yore. I hope it gave all of you those same warm fuzzy feelings when you watched.

"Whoa, whoa whoa. Your beef's with me, not the King!" or Misadventures in Babysitting (3.14)

2008-01-30T23:45:00.000-05:00

D.J.'s on the phone with (who else?) Kimmy Gibbler discussing that two of their classmates kissed for a whopping 12 seconds and hijinks and hilarity ensued when their braces stuck together. Man, that would be such a nightmare. Thankfully for me, when I was in my braces stages, I also had glasses and was a bit of a fatass. In short, I was fug and nobody would be making out with me for a few more years (Thank you contact/braces removal/growth spurt/weight loss). Now I'm a bona fide make-out bandit.

Um, anywho, while D.J.'s having her epic conversation, Stephanie, Danny and Joey are all waiting for the phone.

Jesse and Becky are planning a picnic to celebrate the 1 year anniversary from the day they met. Lots of shmoopiness ensues, "Oh, every day's a picnic with you." I have to point out Jesse's fashion violation. He's wearing a white mock turtleneck, and let's be honest here. NO straight man can pull off a mock turtleneck. And to top it off, he's accessorized with a peace symbol medallion necklace.

Kimmy enters through the front door still talking on the phone to D.J. They are talking to each other on the phone while standing in the same room. Finally, Danny puts an end to this madness. D.J. agrees to pick up Kimmy's baby-sitting job for that night in order to earn some money to pay for her own private phone line.

Jesse and Joey's poker game is being moved to the Tanner's and Danny wants in to play. Sounds like a reasonable enough request considering those mooches live in his house. Was it ever established if they pay any sort of rent or any of the utilities. They fucking should. Stephanie gets stuck with the arduous task of putting UgTot to bed. Poor Stephanie. She attempts to do so by suggesting they play Sleeping Beauty. More like Sleeping UGLY! Zing!

Danny's all decked out in his slovenly poker attire, picked straight from the dirty hamper. Nice. The other poker players are pretty nasty, smoking up a storm and sticking their dirty smokey fingers into the dip. I find this pretty unbelievable because even all of the smokers I know won't smoke inside their own house, let alone a complete stranger's who doesn't smoke. That's some fucked up lack of etiquette there. Jesse's trip to Nebraska comes up and all of the guys jeer and browbeat Jesse into calling Jesse and telling Becky that there's no way he's going to Nebraska. He does so on her answering machine, and a triumphant man cheer erupts from the poker table.

D.J. is baby-sitting Brian, the uberbrat from Stephanie's class. He starts screaming and wants to play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I want to hit him. Very hard. On the backside. And the frontside. He threatens to drop D.J.'s purse in the fish tank but recoils in fear as soon as Kimmy Gibbler comes to pay D.J. a visit. Kimmy threatens him with a kiss and he runs away only to return with a nerf gun and gets his head stuck in the railing for his troubles. In the immortal words of Nelson, "Haw Haw." D.J. and Kimmy attempt to free him by copiously buttering his bratty head. It doesn't work so they glop more butter on for the fun of it. Totally something I would do, but I also happen to have an extremely low tolerance for children (particulaly those of the bratty persuasion).

Back at the Tanner's the poker game is in full filthy swing. The human chimney runs out of cigarettes and Danny is relieved. That relief is temporary however as Smokey the Bear pulls out some cigars. Michelle the brat won't go to bed and comes downstairs and for some reason, the normally anal retentive Danny doesn't say shit about the fact that his young children are in a room clouded with smoke. WTF? I mean, even most easygoing people wouldn't be down with that. He gets a phone call from D.J. who needs his help with Brian and leaves.

Becky comes in all in a furious tizzy over Jesse's message on the machine and to settle the dispute over where to spend Christmas, they play a poker hand for it. If Becky wins, Nebraska. If Jesse wins, Graceland. Before they can reveal their hands, Jesse proposes a compromise: Nebraska for Christmas and Graceland for New Year's. Out of curiousity they then reveal the cards they had. Jesse had only a 3 high and Becky had a 2. Heh. We all know Jesse only suggested that because he thought he was going to lose.

At Brian's, Danny is sawing Bri's head out of the railing. He pauses mid-saw to tell D.J. how proud he is of her for being responsible enough to call for help. He gets Brian out just as his hippy parents are arriving home. They aren't really phased by the large amount of butter on their son's head and when Brian tells them that D.J. is his favorite sitter, they offer her a job for next week. D.J.'s about to decline until they offer to double the rates. Sold!

Danny grants D.J. her own phone line with the stipulation that she can only keep it so long as she can pay for it. The maiden phone call is already coming in, who can it be? It's... Walter. Apparently Stephanie gave the number out to her friends in case of emergencies. She sprawls on her bed to engage in a lengthy conversation as D.J. stews over being back to square one even with her own personal line.

"Lemme tell you something about your pal Shakespeare: anyone who makes men dress like women is where I draw the line!" or No More Mr. Dumb Guy (3.13)

2008-01-23T15:10:00.000-05:00

D.J. and Stephanie are doing Michelle's hair and comment that it was much easier when she was a baby and bald. Don't forget how much more pleasant it was when she couldn't speak! I mean, we were always offended by her face, but now we have to endure the crap she spews from her bratty little mouth. Ug puts a wig on her head and calls herself a movie star and Stephanie refers to her as "Zsa Zsa." Please don't encourage her, Steph.

On WUSF, their guest is Cynthia Ryan, the coordinator for the Festival of Cultural Arts. Danny's got the hots for her and whilst trying to flirt he kicks a glass of juice, spilling it all over her. Smooth, Dan. Real smooth. He manages to ask her to be his date to the festival amidst all of the bumbling. As the show wraps, Jesse shows up at the studio in a Cincinnati Reds hat and is all greased up, presumably from working on some car or motorcycle. He doesn't want to go to the Festival of Cultural Arts because it sounds boring and I wholeheartedly agree. This is coming from someone who was an Illustration major in college too. Bo. Ring.

At the house, Joey is cooking spaghetti for dinner and tries to class it up by putting on a faux Italian accent. No one's fooled, Gladstone. D.J. and Stephanie begin playing a game of telephone, communicating insults towards one another through Michelle. Jesse passes through the kitchen carrying a full armload of books to study up and broaden his cultural horizons.

It's the evening of the Festival and Danny brings Cynthia to the Tanner home prior to the gala. There, Michelle recycles some of D.J. and Stephanie's verbal barbs by calling Cynthia a "Cheesehead" and Danny "Chicken Legs." I'm almost amused by you, UgTot. Almost. Danny is less than thrilled than Michelle's new habit of hurling insults, and tells D.J. and Stephanie to fix this situation by the time he gets home.

Jesse is in his room listening to opera and studying various works of art and literature in a desperate cram session to make himself more educated and refined. But, it's not all stuffy boring classics, he's also making time to read "Is that you Big Guy?: Sightings of Elvis." Out of all of the books he listed, that's definitely the one I'm most interested in reading. Becky comes in and asks if he's ready to go and Jesse feigns a fever. Becky's content to leave him behind because her douchey former professor Eric Trent is there to escort her. They depart and Jesse astutely picks up on Eric's mondo douche vibes and decides that he will go to the Festival after all. Joey gives him a crash course in pseudo-intellectualism.

Joey explains to Jesse that the people who are going to be at the party are the equivalent of "Jeopardy!" whereas Jesse is more of a "Price is Right" kind of guy. Joey gives him some conversational snippets and pointers for hanging with the pompous brainiacs and sends him on the way.

At the gala, Danny accidentally dumps some caviar onto Cynthia's head and carefully picks it off like a chimp picking lice out of another chimp's scalp. Yuck. The party looks so incredibly boring, and Jesse shows up to crash. I can't help but notice that Jesse's hair is dangerously approaching mullet territory and he is in desperate need of a trim.

Jesse tries to fit in with all of the snobs calling "Citizen Kane" the greatest film ever made and says that he finds Picasso "interesting, but terribly overrated." This sends Professor Snooty into a self-righteous tizzy but again, I'm on Jesse's side through and through. As an art student who had to sit through hours and hours of art history, I can't stand like 90% of Picasso's shit and do find him terribly overrated. That's just me.

Becky acts like Jesse is being a complete embarrassment and completely ignores the fact that Prof. Trent is being a complete and total bag of douche. Jesse vows to settle their pissing contest the best way he knows: an arm wrestling match. The classical band playing at the party begins providing background music to this epic struggle, and Danny, because he's awesome, starts whooping and cheering for Jesse. That is, until he's met with death looks from the rest of the party-goers who have zero sense of humor and then he says that arm wrestling is "barbaric." Jesse defeats Eric and celebrates his victory. Becky is less than impressed, and tells Jesse he was being a jerk and leaves the party in a huff.

Stephanie and D.J. are trying to break Michelle of her insult-hurling habit and to be nice. It appears to take and then Michelle wanders into Jesse's bedroom to cheer him up the only way an UgTot can cheer up her creepy Uncle. I am momentarily distracted from their inappropriate relationship when Michelle says "I love you too, Cheesehead."

Becky is in her apartment and goes to the window when she hears something below. It's Jesse, serenading her with a song he wrote that night as an apology. Becky comes down and tells him that despite never going to college, he still accomplished a lot with his life and she still thinks that he's smart. And so ends another one of the myriad of fights that plague the tumultuous Jesse and Becky romance.

R.I.P. Heath Ledger, April 4, 1979-January 22, 2008

2008-01-22T16:58:00.000-05:00

Mondo sadness. Reports are just coming in that Heath Ledger, another one of my teenage crushes and another phenomenally talented actor was found dead in his New York apartment this afternoon. And this comes a week after the death of Brad Renfro, I fear that this is coming in three's and worry about which other incredibly gifted heartthrob actor will be next... R.I.P. Heath, you were an amazing actor and will be sorely missed.