"She's gone! And I'm alone! And I'm wet!" or Tanner's Island (3.1)

Hooray! Season 3! Plus, I loved this episode, it may be one of my faves.

Danny comes in and announces that the entire family, Becky included, is going to take a trip to Hawaii to celebrate their 2 year anniversary of living together (Well, except for Becky... who hasn't been around for 2 years... and doesn't live in the house (SPOILER ALERT!)...yet). And in the words of Peter Griffin, that is pretty frickin shweet.

The Tanner clan lands in Hawaii and the video quality here is different. I dunno how to explain it really, so I won't comment on it anymore. They are wicked picture happy, snapping approximately a bajillion photos a minute. Stephanie's definition of paradise constitutes a place having a pool, an ocean and a soda machine. It's good to have standards, and glad to see Hawaii met them for young Stephanie Judith Tanner!

As a side note, I've been contemplating switching Stephanie's name to Methanie Tanner on account of Jodi Sweetin's former drug addiction. The trouble is I like Stephanie most of the time, so I might just save the whole Meth thing for when she gets a little older and more annoying (ie. the Gia years).

Joey spies one of the Hawaiian hula girls who greets tourists with Lei's and immediately falls in love, not realizing that it's their job to smile at every schmo who arrives in Hawaii. Let him have his fantasy, I guess. She disappears when he tries to point her out to the fam. Hooray, another boring storyline reminding us that Joey has a penis.

Everyone's all set to go off and do their own thing until Danny gathers the troops to unveil his clipboard of fun. The clipboard essentially contains an itinerary with everyone's preferred activity, but just incorporates it so that everyone participates in the activity together. It doesn't sound all that bad, but the family naturally grumbles about it like the ungrateful asswads they are. I mean for fuck's sake, Danny just bought you all a free Hawaiian vacation and you're going to complain?!?! Ridiculous!

First off is Joey's activity: Golf. Fuuun. Everyone just stands around watching and refusing to play and maybe they'd have more fun if they tried to play. Next up is Danny's portion of the vaca, the boring historical stuff! Yaaaay! This segment allows us to be introduced to the Hawaiian folklore of Menehunes. Stephanie sums them up as Hawaiian munchkins, and so far as I can tell, that seems to be a pretty apt description. Becky adds in some hooplah that Menehunes will aid you when in need, but only if you really believe. Obviously, this will come into play later.

Next activity on the clipboard of fun is a marine life meet & greet. They also get to feed and ride dolphins and killer whales. All of the dialogue is dubbed over because I'm sure all of this aquatic interaction made the lines pretty difficult to deliver. The words don't completely sync up with their mouths though so it's a little wonky. I'd just like to note that in this marine montage, everyone looks like they're having a great time.

Jesse's choice of activity is to visit all of the landmarks from when Elvis filmed "Blue Hawaii" and "Paradise Hawaiian Style." The family is not nearly as moved by the sites as Jesse so they quickly move on. Next they are all paddle-boating and again, laughing and having a great time. Joey sees his Hawaiian girl and dives out of the paddle boat to pursue her but she vanishes yet again.

The family's now on a boat with Danny acting as skipper guiding them to the island of Pua. Unfortunately for the Tanner clan, Danny is not very well-versed in the fine art of skippering and has actually been navigating the boat towards a potato chip crumb on the map that he mistook for an island. Whoops. Luckily at that moment when everyone realizes that Danny's gotten them lost, he catches site of an island and they set sail for it. But the string of bad luck continues as after some exploration, the island appears to show no signs of life. To make matters worse, Danny needs some practice in tying knots as their boat begins floating away.

Danny begins running through the water to catch it, and Jesse follows, not to get to the boat, but to kill Danny. Man, I hope they didn't leave any of their important possessions on there. Becky yells that the boat's too far gone, but it really doesn't look like it is. Depending on their strength as a swimmer, I maintain that they could have caught up to it. They just wanted to stay on Potato Chip Crumb Island forever.

Jesse casts Danny's clipboard of fun out to sea and everyone cheers because they regarded the clipboard so bitterly. But, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we've seen evidence to the contrary and that the clipboard's assigned activities did indeed result in fun being had by all. Joey's doing the stupid Popeye voice and nature fights back by dropping a coconut on his head and laying his ass out. The score is Potato Chip Crumb Island, one, Joey Gladstone, zero. Unfortunately this blow to the head causes Joey to hallucinate that he's seeing his dream girl and he chases after the mirage. Dumb!

Steph is alone gathering food in the depths of the jungle which seems pretty dangerous to me. She runs into a young boy whom she takes to be a Menehune, but each child runs screaming away from the other. Stephanie runs back to tell D.J. who doesn't buy and when Steph starts voicing her concern over their fate, she does a pretty good job of comforting her and assuring her that the adults have this shit on lockdown.

But her theory's shot to shit when a plane flies overhead and doesn't see them so all of the grownups begin attacking one another, arguing and yelling. D.J., who's apparently the most mature of the bunch, gets them to cut the crap and that they can make P.C.C.I. a "totally rad place to live."

The family's trekking through the jungle when they come across a bunch of natives who pretend to be savages to fuck with them. It's actually a pretty awesome trick to play on tourists. The natives inform them that they actually are on Pua, so Danny receives the validation that he so desperately needed following his family's clipboard-hating inspired mutiny. They are invited to participate in a Polynesian show and Becky gets the band to play Rock-a-Hula. Jesse sings with them while the rest of the family dances onstage and I'm so terribly embarrassed for all of them.

"You tried to go to dinner with that blow-dried side of beef!" or Luck Be a Lady (Part I and II)(2.21, 2.22)

Finally! I've made it through Season Two. I fell really behind for a little while there, but by this weekend, I should be caught up with ABC Family's schedule. To congratulate myself, I'm shortening the two-part finale into one lump of recappy goodness. Oh yeah, and I skipped the two previous ep's. One was when Joey's girlfriend from college comes back into his life following her divorce, and I just don't want to consider Joey's potential past sex life. The other was when Jesse turns 26 and everyone needs him to do various tasks (write an ad with Joey, fix Danny's car, attend a wedding with Becky, coach D.J.'s soccer game, bake cookies for Stephanie and fix Michelle's jack in the box). He has a nutty and everyone stops bugging him. But let's not worry about the episodes I skipped and move onto the two part season 2 finale...

"Wake Up San Francisco" is filming in Lake Tahoe at the FABULOUS Ali Baba Hotel and Casino. And naturally, the entire family is coming along for the trip. Jesse is ecstatic because he has this romantic trip in mind and he plans on telling Becky that he's in love with her. Joey is also ecstatic because I think he's harboring a secret gambling addiction.

The celebrity guest on the show is alleged movie star Todd Masters. He's supposed to be of a Brad Pitt quality, I'm guessing, but he is supremely not hot nor hunky. Way to go casting department. I guess maybe he has that early 90s "handsome man" thing going on, but Todd's just looking haggard to me. Apparently Becky and him did breakfast that morning and he wants to take her to dinner. When she mentions that she has a boyfriend, he graciously extends the invite to Jesse as well. As soon as Jesse catches wind of these possible dinner plans, and doesn't realize that the plans include him, he flies off the handle in a jealous rage. He tries to flirt with some hotel casino cocktail waitress and is smacked down.

Meanwhile, Joey isn't having much success with the slots, and leaves the girls to guard his machine while he gets more change. D.J. and Steph naturally can't resist the temptation to play the slots and obviously win the jackpot. Joey comes back to the bells and sirens, and the sounds can be heard from the set of "Wake Up San Francisco." Danny is ecstatic to learn that "Joey" won the big money because it might mean some help on the bills and whatnot. Unfortunately, the casino doesn't operate on leaps of faith and the casino owner Mr. Santana totally busts them with the surveillance videotape that shows the girls pulling the lever to win the jackpot. No money for you, Joey!

Jesse and Rebecca are arguing in their room and then finally burst out that they love each other and because they've been dating for 6 months and are in love, Jesse proposes marriage. Yeah, I know. She accepts and begins mentally planning in her mind and calculating how much time is needed and mentions her never-seen brother Corky, whereas Jesse thinks they should elope immediately. They're mid-kiss as there's a knock on the door. They say, "Come in!" but are still lip-locking. D.J. and Steph enter the room and D.J. asks why they would say "Come in" when they don't really mean it. Good question.

Becky and Jesse blow off their plans with the girls claiming they have errands to do and then leave the room in a rush, and the girls catch wind that they're hiding something. And so their investigation begins.

Joey is informed by an old black woman named Shirley that he is now known as the "Jackpot Jerk" around the casino. Bwah. Amen, sistah! She's waiting to use the machine as soon as Joey's done because she thinks she's then guaranteed to win the big bucks. Joey fakes her out with a bogus "last quarter" and then plays his real last quarter and wins 20 bucks. Whoa. But Shirley is not deterred. She uses the machine when he finally buggers off and gets like 50 or 75 bucks. Nothing spectacular but it's still an excuse for us to point and laugh at Joey.

Danny decides to check in and ruin the episodes for me by toting Michelle around with him. Apparently he's teaching her to swim. Did you really need to go all the way to Lake Tahoe for swimming lessons, Dan? Man, I was really enjoying the minimal UgBaby exposure this episode. Dammit, Daniel. Why?

Jesse is meeting with Mr. Santana to book the casino/hotel chapel for the wedding. Mr. Santana replies with a hug prompting Jesse to ask whether or not anyone shakes hands anymore. I'm with you. Totally not a hugger. Unless I'm drunk. Then watch out! The girls have been tailing them the whole time and find a bag from a jewelry store, and that the chapel is circled in the phone book and because they're not complete boneheads, they figure it out. They tell Danny and Joey, well, Stephanie does anyway, through the relay of UgBaby. The family busts them at the chapel.

It's just as well, because as soon as Jesse and Becky actually start discussing important marital affairs like children, careers, homes, etc., they discover that they have a lot to discuss before they take the plunge. Well, Becky expresses these reservations and wants to postpone. Jesse is a moron and still wants to go through with it, but Becky has to walk away and break his heart.

Back in San Fran, Jesse is moping in his room listening to a cover of "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay." I used to love this song (still do, just don't listen to it in as heavy a rotation) and put it on a mix CD for when I went for late night solo walks. So, Becky knocks on the door and Jesse pretends that he's talking to some chick but then the phone actually rings and it's all, whoa! You're SO busted, Jess Man! He tries to act all cavalier, but Becky breaks him down. They shmoop all over the place and agree that they need to work out the kinks before they can take the plunge. Fear not, Jesse and Becky 'shippers, they assure everyone that they're still in loooooove.

"I love the smell of Lysol in the morning" or Goodbye Mr. Bear (2.18)

It's Spring Cleaning in the Tanner household which is the equivalent of Christmas to Danny. He's assembled his cleaning army of Jesse, Joey and the girls and they set off singing a drill song: "If we find dirt we will attack/And we'll get Danny off our back!" The girls are sorting the toys in their room to select some to be donated to charity. Stephanie starts becoming apprehensive because she can't find Mr. Bear, and everyone tells her not to worry, but it's pretty obvious that this is going to turn into a major issue. D.J. blows her off because she needs to go to karate.

Danny is inspecting the cleaning job done by the fam and let it be noted that Joey even dusted the firewood. I'm pretty sure that I also used to have to dust the firewood when I was cleaning my living room in the house I grew up in. Joey helps Stephanie look for Mr. Bear when it dawns on him that he might have accidentally given the bear away. Ruh roh. Stephanie is in her room praying in a very humble and endearing way that God return Mr. Bear to her while Joey looks on sadly.

Danny brings D.J. home from karate and in the kitchen, Jesse is completely re-doing the kitchen cabinets. He was supposed to just replace a broken handle, but that handle was discontinued, so he opted for an entirely new set of handles, but that required bigger holes in the cabinets, so Jesse decided to install new cabinet faces. Danny is not impressed as he cries, "How can you do this to me? This is my Christmas!"

Meanwhile, there's a cop in the living room. Stephanie flagged him down to report her missing bear. Jesse thinks that Danny called the po-po on him for screwing up his kitchen. The cop handles it pretty well when it's revealed that it's a bear and not a person that's missing. Joey then confesses that he may have possibly accidentally given Mr. Bear away to charity. Stephanie is a merciless one, and demands that he be arrested. I agree! Lock him up and throw away the key!

Stephanie is hard at work making Missing posters for Mr. Bear. D.J. tries to tell her to get over it, and references how she lost her Pillow Person, but got over it. Just then, Stephanie pulls the Pillow Person out of hiding and D.J. rejoices at finding her favorite childhood toy. Joey comes in to apologize and offer his services, so he begins joining Stephanie is making posters.

Downstairs, the newly renovated kitchen looks great and Danny's ecstatic. He can barely contain his joy and grabs Jesse into a tight embrace. Jesse backs away and scolds Danny to "never hug me in front of my power tools!" Bwah! Woohoo! Nick and Irene are there! I'm glad they're featured so regularly, because they are my favorite grandparents of the family. They've brought a plethora of new teddy bears for Stephanie to select from. UgBaby comes in and completely blows off Grandma to pursue the toys. "Nice to see you too, honey" Irene dryly replies. This is why Irene rules.

Stephanie peruses the group of bears but none of them jive. This episode tugs at my heartstrings because I too once lost my most precious childhood possession. I had a yellow baby blanket named Sara, and I brought that thing everywhere. Even as I got older, I would fold it up and keep it in the bottom of my sleeping bag or duffel bag. One time I brought it over my cousin's house and somehow, accidentally left her behind. When I tried to reclaim it, I discovered that they thought it was a rag and burned it. I was so pissed. I still kind of am, on account of the fact that they're completely self-absorbed and blow us off for all family events. But seriously? I had this blanket my whole life, and everyone in my family knew it and recognized it, so WHY would they burn it? Who even burns baby blankets? I've just opened an entire floodgate of resentment. I wanted to pass that blanket on to my children! And now I can't because they were thoughtless brats! This was one of the most emotionally scarring periods in my childhood.

Um anyway, so what I'm saying is I totally feel Stephanie in this situation here. You can't replace your security item that you tote around everywhere. Just then Joey comes in with what appears to be Mr. Bear. But under closer scrutiny, Stephanie determines that he does not bear the scar on his nose from when it got shut in the toy box and Joey has brought home an impostor. Stephanie says that looking at that face when it's not the actual Mr. Bear is too painful, and she asks that Joey take him back to the store. She sadly returns upstairs, while Danny wonders why she's so attached to that bear. Irene and Nick offer to take the other bears back, but apparently that brat Michelle has claimed them as her own. And because nothing breeds brats better then letting them get their way, no one tells her otherwise. It's moments like these that shaped Michelle into the little snot she is in later years.

Everyone goes to try to comfort Stephanie and remind her that she's not alone in the world. Jesse demands a smile and it's pretty rough. Finally, D.J. recalls that Mr. Bear was a present from Pam on the day when she brought Michelle home from the hospital. So, duh! Obviously a gift from her dead mother is significant to her. But then in a weird moment, Stephanie didn't realize that's where Mr. Bear came from either, so hm.

They talk about how it's harder for the girls to remember their mother because they haven't talked about her a lot since the accident because it was too painful. Stephanie's afraid of losing her memories of her mother, so they begin sharing memories. Apparently Pam used to sing "On Top of Spaghetti" to the girls, which I don't really get, but whatever. This is kind of a touchy sensitive subject so I'm not going to nitpick. Then they decide to put on some old home movies to the delight of Danny, "If spring cleaning is my Christmas, then home movies are my New Year's Eve!"

The family gathers on the couch as they pop in the tape of Pam coming home from the hospital with Michelle. Jesse walks in the door before his sister and it's the return of the mullet! Present-day Jesse ponders whether he should grow his hair long again, which is met with a resounding "NO!" from the rest of the Tanner clan. Joey comes in with the girls' presents, a charm bracelet for D.J. and Mr. Bear. At the moment that Mr. Bear is on-screen, Michelle goes to retrieve him from her hiding place in some chest. That little piece of shit. Like they weren't constantly mentioning that they were looking for Mr. Bear, and she just now decides to go get him. If I were Stephanie, after the initial relief wore off, I would have backhanded that little shit right across her porky mouth. God I hate Michelle. This episode is a testament to why she leads the polls as most annoying FH character!

The family sits and watches Pam on the T.V. in quiet reflection and it's a really sad and touching closing scene as we close on the family silently watching her and listening to her voice.

"Just what we need in San Francisco, another mime!" or El Problema Grande de D.J. (2.17)

Stephanie comes in bearing her report card and tells the guys to bust out the root beer to celebrate. She received some A's, some B's and a B-. Wow, really? I would have been mortified with those grades. If I hadn't gotten all A's in second grade. Did we even get letters yet? I feel like we were on the O(utstanding), E(xcellent), G(ood), F(air) and P(oor) grading system at that point in time. It wasn't until 4th grade that I got my first C in Handwriting, which is a bullshit subject as far as I'm concerned because have you seen the penmanship of like 90% of adults? Granted, I now have the most enviably neat handwriting of all of my friends and co-workers, some call it "meticulous." Perhaps it was that sub par grade that inspired my killer penmanship... wow, that rant went on way too long.

The only blemish on Stephanie's report card (aside from the B- which I just don't find all that impressive) is that Stephanie's teacher referred to her as a "Chatterbox." So Steph vows to not talk. D.J. comes in, pissed about her report card which is all A's... except for a D in Spanish. Ay! Dios Mio! Que lastima! (I, on the other hand, kicked ASS in Spanish). Danny offers to go to D.J.'s school to speak with her teacher, Senorita Mosley. Joey says that he's always been adept in languages and demonstrates his fluency in idiotic cartoon voices. The doorbell rings and it's J&J's advertising boss, Mr. Malatesta.

Down in Joey's bedroom, aka their office, Jesse, Joey and Mr. M are tossing around ideas for a new marshmallow campaign with the input of Michelle. Mr. M claims that "Delicious" has been done, but "Yummy" is innovative. "Yummy in the Tummy" is the tagline they come up with. Seriously? Yeah, that's creative. Mr. M tells the guys to find him the cutest baby in San Francisco to be in the commercial and they claim that they have their baby right there. Michelle? Who are you trying to kid? Granted, this is one of her less fug appearances, but still. For some reason, Mr. M goes for it and Michelle's got the job.

Danny's at the girls' school and passes Stephanie in the hallway who is still not speaking. He finds D.J. and is directed towards her Spanish classroom. Turns out that her teacher is very pretty and also starstruck because she's a huge fan of "Wake Up San Francisco." He flirts talking about pizza dough, and she flatters him and refers to him as a "big star." He's about to leave and remembers why he's there in the first place. He brings up D.J.'s grade and Srta Mosley explained that D.J. began the year with B's and C's, but when the work became tougher, she lost her drive and just stopped trying. She offers to come by their house after school to set up a study program. Danny thinks it's a great idea. "Hasta luego," she calls to him. "El Pollo Loco," Danny replies.

Michelle is being readied for her commercial and Danny tells her to remember who changed her diapers when she becomes famous. To this, Joey and Jesse claim that they were the primary diaper changers in her life. J&J head out with Michelle. Srta Mosley is going around the house putting up labels of Spanish words on various items in the household. She gives Danny a lesson in how to pronounce the "rr" and how to roll his tongue... into her mouth! Just as Danny and Srta M engage in a liplock, D.J. and her friends all walk in. Whoops. She is mortified and accuses him of not changing her grade to get in with the teacher.

Danny goes into the girls' room to talk to D.J. Stephanie is appalled at the thought of kissing a teacher. D.J. claims that Danny sold her out for a kiss and that she thought he was on her side. Finally Danny grows a spine and calls D.J. out on her shitty work ethic and that her grade was deserved and had nothing to do with the kiss.

Meanwhile down at the studio, UgMichelle is on the set for the commercial. Nick and Irene are both onhand to show their support and Nick keeps boasting that Michelle's like a teeny tiny Tina (Louise). I must note that the set looks HORRIBLE! The concept was that Michelle is sitting atop a marshmallow cloud, but it just looks like a sloppy giant cottonball. Methinks they don't have a huge budget at the ad agency... They start shooting and feed UgBaby some marshmallows but she's not having it. She's full and now declares marshmallows to be "Yucky!" Mr. Malatesta is not a patient man and advises the guys to dump the baby and make some calls for a replacement. Nick is outraged that Mr. M doesn't recognize Ug as the next Tina Louise and him and Irene chase after him to try to change his mind. Joey tells Michelle she's fired and she's too dumb to understand.

At home, D.J. is dreading going to school, afraid of the torment of her peers following the kiss. Jesse recommends the tactic of beating up the first person to say something, whereas Joey opts for the more passive method of beating the other kids to the punchline. He provides D.J. with some material to prepare her for the battlefield of the classroom.

Danny's already down at the school to break it off with Srta. Mosley. They agree to set a date for the day when D.J. is no longer her student, but do you think they'll ever follow through. Danny Tanner: San Francisco's greatest heartbreaker. The bell rings and class is going to begin, so Danny tries to slip out the back door. Too bad the back door is actually the closet.

The class files in and when D.J. enters, the students erupt into a "OooOOoOOOoo!" D.J. questions their wit and provides them with some Gladstone "gems":

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Deej.
Deej who?
Deej-a see my Dad kiss the teacher!

and

Why does my Dad wear Senorita Mosley suspenders?
To keep my grades up.

D.J. thinks she's made it through the fire, but when she goes to hang her jean jacket (yes!) in the closet (why wouldn't she keep it in her locker?), she finds Danny. "OoooOOOooOo!" says the class again.

At home Danny tells D.J. to work hard and try her best, even when things get tough. And even if she doesn't succeed, he'll still love her for trying. Stephanie comes home shortly after. Finally, the guys can no longer take the silence and beg her to talk. She launched into a mile-a-minute gabfest which includes witnessing Mr. Gibbler knock trash cans over with her car and seeing a dog that looked like a lion that she thought was a lion until it got hit with a newspaper and barked. Riveting.

"Dad, was she really necessary?" or Baby Love (2.16)

Kimmy, in a scene that contributes nothing towards the continuity of the show, has brought over a litter of Shar Pei's to the Tanners for the girls to pet and play with. You may recall that in later episodes, Kimmy's poodle Coco, is featured, but no Shar Pei. I'll allow it because I love puppies and they're really cute. The scene ends with D.J. commanding the puppy to roll over and UgMichelle following the command because she knows she's a bitch. Suck on that, Ug.

Jesse and Joey are watching "Wake Up San Francisco" with Michelle, because who needs to work? Becky is doing a segment on seeing San Francisco through the eyes of a tourist and her featured commentator of a visitor to the city is her nephew Howie, who's about Michelle's age. Michelle has a crush on him because she thinks he's good-looking, which okay. I don't think I could formulate a crush til age 4 or 5, but perhaps I was a late bloomer. Jesse is anxiously awaiting Becky's special secret signal to him. It's not subtle at all as she says "It would be a nice JESS...ture." (WINK*WINK*WINK) Smooth. Very professional, Ms. Donaldson.

Turns out Howie is staying with the Tanners because I guess his mother doesn't want to have her vacation in the big city ruined by the presence of her young son. Becky and Jesse will be watching all of the kids for the night, and she very sluttily mentions to Jesse how they can take care of the children while they play and "Later, you and I can play." Imagine that said in a "I wish I was a pornstar" voice. Kimmy brought "The Wolfman" over for her and D.J. to watch. D.J. tries to tell Stephanie that she's too young to watch the scary movie, but Steph goes to Uncle Jesse for a second opinion and he says she can watch it. Becky doesn't quite agree with that parenting decision because she doesn't think Stephanie is old enough and that it will scare her. Jesse blows off her concerns.

The girls are in the living room on the couch, watch the movie, Kimmy howling along with the Wolfman. Jesse and Becky bring them in drinks and snacks and end up scaring the crap out of them. At that point they shut off the movie and then Becky's rarely mentioned sister Connie comes over. I'd like to note that the actress playing Connie, Debbie Gregory, later resurfaces as Stephanie's dance teacher whom Danny asks out on a date only to be repulsed by her messy apartment. She's come to take Howie away and break Michelle's heart, and for that, I will always love her. Anyone who can upset Michelle Tanner is like family to me.

Unfortunately this also leads to a torturous and fairly painful scene of Michelle not being able to sleep and standing in her crib crying "Howie no buh-bye" over and over and over again. Apparently it's 2AM and she can't sleep without a penis in her crib, that little hussy. As soon as they note the time, Michelle says "Howie" a few more times and then falls asleep. See? Pointless! I shouldn't have even recapped the scene other than the fact that it provided me the opportunity to throw more daggers at Michelle and her future as a whore.

Meanwhile in the girls room, Stephanie is woken up by a noise. She runs to D.J. who tells her it's an Isuzu horn. Then we hear howling, which she tells her is the Gibbler's dog (which in this particular episode, happens to be a Shar Pei... ah, now I know why they included that opening scene- to provide a point of reference for this moment as well as being cute!) D.J. goes to get Stephanie some warm milk to help her sleep, and Stephanie starts thinking that D.J.'s George Michael poster has gotten hairier in the past 5 minutes, so she takes off downstairs. The girls run into each other in the darkened kitchen and scream. Danny and Joey come down to see what all the commotion is and the girls tell them that Jesse let them watch "The Wolfman" Just then, Jesse walks into the kitchen just in time to be scolded. Heh.

To assuage her fears, the guys put on a little skit for Stephanie about Wolfman at home. Jesse plays the Wolfman because of his bedhead, Joey plays Mr. Wolfman and Danny portrays the mother, Virginia Wolf. Heh. Stephanie is no longer scared of the Wolfman when he's placed in this ridiculous setting. Jesse then goes to tend to Michelle, who has since woken up and is repeating Howie's name again. Jesse picks her up and carries her into his room and lays her on the bed and then pulls out his... guitar. Thought that was going somewhere nastier, didn't you? Jesse proceeds to sing the most nauseating song ever, "When Michelle's Smiling" made ever grosser by an accompanying UgBaby montage. Ugh. A little bit of my soul died with that segment. Though I have to note that the lyrics sound like they're about someone who's mentally retarded: "She laughs at the news because she can't make sense of the pictures." For that, there is some redemption.

The next day, Jesse apologizes to Becky for the Wolfman debacle and concedes that she was right and will be a great mother someday. She tells him that's he's already a great mom. Becky came bearing a videotape of HTV, or Howie T.V., all Howie, all the time. He greets Michelle and says that he misses her and the whole family's "Aww"ing. I'm not. D.J. comments that even though Michelle is only 2, she's acting like a real person. I wouldn't go that far, Deej. Bye bye Howie! We won't be seeing you til (SPOILER! (if you've never seen this show before, that is)) Jesse and Becky's wedding!

"No good, lame-oid boyfriend stealer!" or Pal Joey (2.15)

To preface, the network skipped over airing episode 14 because it's the Valentine's Day episode with D.J.'s royal blue sweater. Look for that one in mid-February, as we move onward and upward through Season Two.

Danny and Michelle are sliding around the kitchen with paper towels on their feet. J&J coming in being all silly and totally in love with one another and you can see the resentment boiling deep within Danny's bowels. Harry and Stephanie arrive home from school, Harry lamenting that he doesn't understand subtraction. D.J. steps in to lend a helping hand and sparks a little something in Harry's eyes.

Down in Joey's room, the guys are trying to work on a new advertisement and Jesse comments how his partner's bedroom resembles Pee Wee's Playhouse. They seize this opportunity provided by a pop-culture reference to declare "office" to be the secret word. Danny comes down and says the word, sending J&J into a yelling, laughing fit. Heh, this kind of makes me want to incorporate a secret word into my everyday life and scream at people when they unknowingly use it. Kind of. Danny has been feeling neglected and for some reason misses Joey, so they schedule a play date for later that week.

Harry has arrived at the Tanner household bearing a gift for D.J. It's a giant lollipop that says "I Love You." Stephanie is pissed at D.J. for stealing her man, and trades rooms with Michelle so that she doesn't have to live with D.J.

Danny and Joey go to play basketball together and are interrupted by Jesse. Apparently there's some sort of celebratory party with some people from the office that they don't actually work at, and Danny is miffed that their quality time is being cut short. Joey suggests that next point wins and Danny sarcastically thanks him for pencilling him on and proceeds to foul him with a smack to the wrist. Jesse concurs with Joey's assertion that Danny fouled him and Danny gets pissy and stalks off of the court. J&J go home to talk to Danny about his outburst on the court which opens the doors for a flashback sequence! Yes! My favorite part of the show!

This one centers around Danny and Joey's first meeting. It was February 23, 1968, and I have to say that the child actor they got to portray young Danny has an uncanny resemblance to Bob Saget. It's scary! Danny is sent to sit on the bench during recess because he has a nosebleed and in the background we see a young Jesse Katsopolis running around the playground, chasing the girls and asking for kisses. The schoolyard bully stops by to torment Danny until he is saved by a young Joey Gladstone and his slew of insults. I am less impressed with this child's wit when he reveals his secret: that loser needed a joke book to provide all of his material. Hack! HAAAAACK! I knew you were a fraud, Gladstone! The bully goes to tell the teacher and Danny fibs to keep Joey out of trouble. Bully responds that Danny is lying and the teacher replies, "That's impossible. Daniel Tanner's never been in trouble a day in his life." She then awesomely reveals that the bully's name is Sheldon! Bwah! Atleast we know why he's so angry and goes around bullying all of the other kids.

Danny and Joey then thank each other for saving the other's ass, and pledge to be friends for life. They bury their most prized possession and seal their friendship with a soul brother handshake. This awesome moment is made fucking amazing by the fact that there's a young black boy using the water fountain in the background, watching all of this, and he just shakes his head at them. It's just a really humorous, really nice touch. The memory is concluded with the hot teacher sitting Jesse down with her as punishment for kissing all of the girls. Jesse couldn't be happier as he ends our trip down memory lane with a "Have Mercy!" Danny and Joey are still upset with one another, but the fight is put on hold as Michelle enters the room, confused about where she's supposed to be sleeping. Jesse goes upstairs to figure out what's going on.

Jesse sends Michelle back to her room and sits Harry, Stephanie and D.J. down in his room to work this whole mess out. D.J. not-so-kindly tells Harry to bugger off, and her and Jesse manipulate Harry and Stephanie like puppets in order to prompt them to make up.

Joey and Danny are in hot pursuit to dig up the coffee can holding their childhood prized possessions. Joey criticizes Danny for digging so slowly and Danny chastises Joey for not even remembering when they buried the can. Joey strikes the metal of the can on the first dig and they remove it from the ground. Danny buried his San Francisco Giants hat which no longer fits, and Joey pulls out his old insult book, which is still alive and well in his present day comedy act (HACK!). They read the pledge that they placed inside, calling themselves soul brothers and I pray that the adult version of the boy from the water fountain returns for another head shake but am left disappointed. The pledge is signed Daniel Ernest Tanner and Joey Alvin Gladstone. They laugh about their horrible middle names and realize that they have an long history of great times and good memories that shouldn't be cast aside.

They decide to re-bury their items, but not before one minor addition. The next scene shows Jesse arriving at the schoolyard with his blow dryer in hand. They command him to toss the dryer into the can and sign the pledge and he grudgingly does. They do one more soul brother shake and again I pray for the water bubbler boy to return. He doesn't, so I just shake my head at them and all is right with the world.

"Down at the end of Backache Street at Ben-Gay Hotel" or Working Mothers (2.13)

After extending the theme song and credits for an episode, we're back to short and sweet. J&J are working on another advertising jingle and goddammit! Joey is back in that same exact rugby shirt that pissed me off a couple of episodes ago! You are not cool enough to wear that jersey, Gladstone! Just as they start making some serious creative headway, the girls burst into the room needing rides and assistance with an Elvis impersonation (Stephanie) and Karate (D.J.). They assure them that they'll help with everything,

The next day, J&J are in the kitchen awaiting a call from their boss about their jingle and somehow get bamboozled by MIchelle and locked out on the patio. Naturally, when they're trapped outside, their boss Mr. Malatesta calls them. UgBaby doesn't know her role and answers the phone and hangs up on him. Man that bitch sucks. The guys are pleading with her to let them into the house as Danny comes into the kitchen. Not knowing that Daddy-o is in the vicinity, they try to tempt Michelle with a kiss and a cookie.

Danny opens the door for them and asks them to make good on the promise. Jesse opts to retrieve the cookie, leaving Joey to provide the kiss. Before any spit can be swapped, the phone rings again. It's J&J's boss, Mr. Malatesta calling with good news: they bought the guys' Hurry Mart jingle, but they want them to come down to the office for follow-up. They leave Danny still waiting for his kiss and unfortunately for him, UgBaby is the one to make good on it. Wash yo' face, Danny!

Down at the advertising agency, Mr. Malatesta informs J&J that not only did Hurry Mart love their jingle, they want them to turn it into a full national campaign including a commercial. If they are successful, Mr. M will offer them a full time advertising gig. The guys are stoked, and even more enthused when they get a glimpse of their possible future office.

Back at the house, the girls are looking for J&J to help them with their Karate and Elvis. Danny manages to combine the two into one most awesome hybrid and my love for him grows tenfold. The girls are less than impressed: "That was Elvis?" "Yeah." "Presley?!?!" Oh snap. The guys come home and tell them the good news about their potential promotion and the girls are left to wonder who will take care of them if all three guys are working full-time.

It's time for the guys to make their cheesy and uninspired presentation for their commercial toting Hurry Mart as "The Great American General Store." Right before they're supposed to go, Irene shows up and drops off UgBaby with the guys. Apparently she has to go to school. Wow! Look at that continuity from "Fogged In"! Jesse tries to protest that the client was late and the Ugly Baby will ruin their crappy commercial pitch, but Irene's eyes are hurting enough for one day and she bails.

They try to shove Ug under the desk, but unfortunately her hideous mug shows itself, mooing mid-presentation. They try to pass her off as their baby and gay jokes ensue. Amazingly enough for the guys, the client for some reason digs their concept and is even willing to overlook the presence of Michelle, but for some reason uses the word "dagnabbit" in doing so. Huh. So yeah, they booked the campaign! Wow, this whole plotline is so implausible, but it's FH. What do I expect? Man, if only it were that easy to make it in advertising, I'd be ecstatic.

The guys are at home celebrating their new gig with some champagne in a can. i just threw up in my mouth a little bit at the notion. Finally, something more repugnant than Franzia wine-in-a-box or Mad Dog 20/20. Danny and the girls arrive home from their activities. D.J. won the green belt at her karate tournament and Stephanie won the golden hive talent award for her Elvis impersonation. J&J then share their good news: they got the full-time job. Danny is happy for them and even more excited for the supplemental income to the household, but the girls can't hide their disappointment. They tell the guys that they're afraid of being alone.

J&J are in Joey's bedroom and weighing the pro's and con's of taking the job. The most important con's being less time with the girls, and less time to pursue their passions of comedy and music. They ask themselves if they're ready to give up their dreams for this career? And it's at this point where I'd argue that this is an ideal job opportunity for them because it allows them to combine both their passions of comedy and music into one outlet that is far more profitable than any of their past endeavors. They ultimately decide to ask Mr. M for the permission to take on the full-time job but work from home. He agrees. Man. That was resolved easily.

The Tall Geeky Giant v. The Hot-Headed Troubadour who spent way too much time on his hair, or Fogged In (2.12)

The opening screen shot is a weird red, orange, yellow and blue animated graphic with the show title and a cartoon rendering of the Golden Gate bridge prior to beginning the episode. Weird. Joey is trying out his comedy material on Michelle, who is unimpressed. Same here, UgBaby.

The theme song and credits are extended to include a nauseating and mildly disturbing scene featuring Joey and Jesse blowing raspberries on Michelle's stomach for entirely too long. I am creeped out. Glad they decided to leave that one on the cutting room floor for the majority of episodes.

Danny is in the kitchen playing with Michelle with one of those little Fisher Price or whatever kitchen complete with plastice pots/pans and polyvinyl eggs, bacon, etc. Stephanie and D.J. come into the kitchen arguing about what they want for breakfast, it's the classic waffles v. french toast debate. Sometimes pancakes find themselves thrown into the fray. They call on UgBaby to serve as the tiebreaker and she makes her selection of cookies. All three girls are content with this decision... Danny? Not so much.

Jesse & Joey interrupt the discussion and come in looking absolutely wrecked. Danny suggests that Jesse check the expiration date on his mousse. Turns out they were up all night perfecting their jingle for Casa de Pancakes (ole!). The back door opens and in comes Kimmy Gibbler, who's staying with the Tanners this weekend. This is not the news that J&J needed to hear.

The doorbell rings and Joey answers in his bathrobe, clutching a jelly donut and looking a hot ass mess. It's Cheryl! Remember Cheryl? She was one of Denise's friends, the one who was set up with Jesse but for unknown reasons, fell for Joey. I know I know, it's because he was "funny" but I'm not buying it. Apparently, they've been dating for 2 months and this is the first time she's seen him as his evil twin, "Sloppy Joe." Cheryl invites him to go skiing that weekend and Joey warns her that this fugness may happen again. Cheryl laughs it off and says she'll counter with her evil twin, "No make-up Cheryl." Heh. Joey's just so excited at the prospect of getting laid that he squeezes his jelly donut in his hand. Dumbass.

D.J. and Kimmy are in Jesse's room, playing the keyboard and singing "Locomotion" into a microphone attached to a tape recorder. Jesse comes in and asks what they're doing. Horrified he checks the tape in the deck and sure enough, the girls taped over his and Joey's jingle, only leaving the closing line: "Casa de Pancakes, OLE!" Jesse rightfully flips a shit. D.J. tries to protest that it was just an accident, but I am firmly planted in Jesse's corner on this one. She was in his room, without his permission, using his music and recording equipment, without his permission, and then ended up ruining his project for work.

Danny comes in as the tirade is going on and D.J. brats that Jesse doesn't have to worry about her messing with his stuff again because she's never going back into his room. If I was Jesse, I'd be celebrating. Who wants a bunch of kids coming in and out of their bedroom, messing with all of their stuff? She storms out with Kimmy in tow and Danny talks to Jesse about his temper. Jesse submits that he may have gone a little overboard, but I still think he was well within his rights to flip. Whatever.

To make up for yelling at D.J., Jesse surprises her with her very own drum set bearing the name "Harry Levin Trio", asking, "We cool now?" D.J. forgives him and he gives her a little demo on the drums. The rest of the family, minus Danny who isn't home yet, joins them to watch the show. Just then, Grandpa Nick comes in and warns the departing Joey and Cheryl about the heavy fog rolling in. He is followed closely by Irene, with whom he had a fight. Apparently Irene has decided to go back to school, and Nick prefers her to maintain the household. So now Nick is moving in with the Tanners! This will be news to Danny who, let's face it, has no control over what goes on in his house. Danny arrives mid-drumming, and laments that indeed, that racket was coming from his house.

The more pressing issue right now to Danny is the appearance of the drum set, so he pulls Uncle J(esse) to have a word in the K(itchen). Danny's pretty miffed that Jesse missed the point of his little talk and opted to buy D.J.'s forgiveness rather than talk it out. Jesse then storms into the living room and tells D.J. her dad said she couldn't keep the drums, pitting Danny in the role of the bad guy. Just then, Irene goes to leave, with Nick telling the family that "She'll be back." She actually comes right back because the fog has become so dense. Looks like the big happy family, plus the Harry Levin Trio, are all fogged in.

The guys and grandparents tuck the girls into bed, and Stephanie asks is everyone is mad because Kimmy is staying over. Danny is about to deny it, but then looks at Kimmy obnoxiously crunching on potato chips and then concedes, "Maybe." Irene and Nick are careful to avoid one another and she informs the room that she will be staying in Joey's bedroom if anyone would like to come beg for forgiveness.

Jesse has moved onto the nursery and is reading Michelle a bedtime story about a Tall Geeky Giant and the day the music died. Danny comes in and Michelle calls him "Geeky Giant." Danny tries his hand at storytelling about a Hot-Headed Troubadour who spent way too much time on his hair. The words are too big for Michelle and all she says is "Geeky Giant." I wish that nickname had stuck because even though I like Danny, it's funny.

The house is darkened and quiet and Joey and Cheryl come in through the back door. The fog was too severe and they had to call of their skiing trip. She says goodnight and leaves. Seriously? If visibility is that bad, wouldn't you extend the invitation to your ladyfriend to stay the night? I mean, you don't have to share a bed if you're worried about the girls, but God, she could get into a car crash because it's late and foggy! Horrible boyfriend! I hate you, Joey! He pulls off his gear and ends up falling over the baby gate down the stairs to his room with a loud crash. Oddly enough, this loud crash doesn't cause Irene to stir in although she's in his bedroom, but Nick hears it from the couch in the living room and wakes up to check on her.

Joey climbs into bed in his long johns. She thinks it's Nick coming to apologize and starts to initiate some hardcore spooning. Screaming ensues, and Nick, Danny and Jesse all run downstairs and are horrified by the scene they find. Joey jumps out of the bed and you can totally see his entire package outlined by his long underwear. I think I just turned a little bit gay at that sight. Danny thankfully hands Joey a robe and tells him to cover up because nobody wants to see that. I feel like that may have been a Bob Saget ad lib. And for that, I thank him.

Jesse sits down his parents to talk out their problem and has an epiphany when he tells his father that he can't just buy his mother's forgiveness, he needs to talk about the problem. He realizes finally that the Geeky Giant was right and he did the same thing with D.J. as his father did with his mother. He goes upstairs to apologize to Danny.

While Jesse is telling Danny that he's sorry, D.J. walks by overhead. She was woken by the loud crash and screams, but in this instance, she just happened to be on her way back from the bathroom. Jesse calls her down to talk, and when Danny protests that it's 3AM, Jesse says that he wants to tell her that he was wrong and Danny was right, so he agrees. Jesse says he was wrong to buy D.J.'s forgiveness and that he needs to learn to control his temper. Danny says that D.J. may keep the drums... they will never be heard from again. Jesse tells D.J. that he inherited his bad temper from his father and recounts an incident from his youth where he kicked a field goal through Jethro's face when his father was watching "The Beverly Hillbillies" on the television and during this anecdote, D.J. falls asleep. I think I did too, a little bit. I mean, it was wicked boring.

"Don't stop now ladies, I can go all night!" or A Little Romance (2.11)

Jesse and Joey are downstairs in the kitchen and Becky comes in and asks them to participate in an upcoming date auction. Becky just has to bat her doe eyes at Jesse and tell him that it would mean a lot to her to get him to agree to it. Danny rushes in because he apparently wanted to beat Becky home with the news. Danny does not want to be auctioned off because he is acting as the auctioneer and to play both roles would be insanity. Becky applies the same tactics she used on Jesse to Danny and he caves. Suddenly Jesse doesn't feel quite so special. Oh Becky, you and your feminine wiles and charms.

Kimmy comes into D.J.'s room and her hair sends me into a traumatic flashback. Her short curly layered 'do unfortunately resembles the hideousness that I suffered through when I was in third grade. I didn't get it cut that way because I wanted to, the stupid Italian stylist just butchered my hair. I hated it and thought I looked like a boy and Kimmy's hair is bringing me back to a very dark place. Moving on from my childhood traumas, Kimmy is there to inform D.J. that Michael Montfort likes D.J. and is going to ask her to eat lunch with him. D.J. is ecstatic.

The next day at school, Michael, who is played by noneother than Jonathan Brandis (of Tiger Beat, Teen Bop, "Ladybugs" and "Sidekicks" fame (Rest in Peace)), asks D.J. to eat lunch with him (which is junior high code for being boyfriend and girlfriend). He seals the deal by giving her a friendship bracelet and the playground erupts into cheers. Side note: poor Jonathan Brandis, I was so bummed when I heard he killed himself. Ladybugs was totally one of my favorite movies growing up. Sadness.

That evening at the house, Nick is there baby-sitting the girls, playing cards in the living room with Stephanie. D.J. and Michael are in the kitchen doing homework. As Michael's getting ready to leave, D.J. asks if she'll see him at lunch tomorrow. He says that he promised to eat with Cathy Santoni the next day and D.J. wonders, "Won't everyone say you're boyfriend and girlfriend?" Michael's okay if they do. D.J. is hurt and confused, and is even more hurt when Michael explains that D.J. is really nice and smart, but Cathy is just so... pretty. Ouch. On that note, Michael leaves and D.J. is crushed about her short-lived romance and angrily removes the bracelet he gave her. Stephanie comes into their shared room where D.J. is wallowing and D.J. kicks her out for the night because she wants to be alone. Poor Steph is stuck sharing the nursery with UgBaby.

At the date auction, Joey's up for bid. At first he's not really drawing much of a reaction until Danny builds him up with various lines of bullshit. Finally the bidding begins at $100, then climbs by $50 increments until he finally goes for $300 to an old woman with a bird on her hat. Fear not, unfunny comic! She actually purchased you for her super hot granddaughter Heather. Danny tries to skip over himself, but Becky forces him to take the stage. Danny is overcome with nerves and isn't selling himself very well to the prospective buyers. Finally he manages to get a bid and personally thanks everyone in the audience who bid on him. Overcome with excitement, Danny boasts that he can go all night and suddenly the place is booming with bidders. Danny realizes that they misunderstood his intent, so he just goes back to the last bidder prior to his outburst. It's to the old lady with a bird on her hat for $150! Sucks for Danny because she actually bought him for herself.

Rowr, bring on Jesse Katsopolis. Danny needn't give an introduction because the ladies are hungry to bid. Everyone in the room is willing to bid $100, $200, $300 until one woman who had been flirting with him earlier, jumps the bid up to $1000. Jesse remarks, "$1000 for a night with me? No pressure there." Becky can't stand to see her man go to another hussy so she hops in the bidding with $1100. They go back and forth to $1200, $1300, $1400 until Becky raises her bid to an astounding $1700. Hot damn! The blonde hussy finally gives up, "Take him. I could never explain $1700 to my husband." Hee!

The guys and Becky return to the house and tell Nick about the date auction. Joey says that he got a great girl and Danny laments, "I got her grandmother." Jesse tells Nick that Becky paid $1700 for him, and Nick rightfully replies "What are you? Nuts?!" Amen to that! Nick has to interrupt the good times and laughs by informing them that D.J. is upstairs and upset because her boyfriend broke up with her. Danny knows that her first broken heart calls for a Dad talk. J&J follow to assist.

Becky is left downstairs for Nick where he asks her why she spent so much on Jesse when she could have had him for free? Her face shows that she realizes that she was probably a little overzealous.

Upstairs the guys are talking to D.J. She's upset because she's not pretty. They try to tell her that she is pretty and then draw comparison to the Ugly Duckling story. Big mistake. She flips out and locks herself in the bathroom, leaving the guys stunned in the hallway. Just then Becky comes up the stairs to check on the situation and scolds them for using the Ugly Duckling story; a tactic you never use unless you're talking about somebody else's kid. Becky offers to smooth the situation over and knocks on the bathroom door and gets D.J. to come out and talk.

Stephanie thinks that her room is free while D.J. is in the bathroom and begins to move her stuff back in starting with Mr. Bear. While she is going back for the rest of her things, D.J. and Becky return to the bedroom and close the door. Stephanie knocks on the door and is answered with Mr. Bear being hurled against the wall. Poor Mr. Bear. Poor Stephanie, who wants to sleep on the floor of an UgBaby's room?

Becky and D.J. are having girl talk. Becky tells D.J. that one day she'll find a guy who likes her, "and pay $1700 for him!" D.J. doesn't understand the metaphor and Becky confesses that neither does she. She tries again, mentioning how when she was D.J.'s age she dug a guy named Sven who only went for blondes. So she tried bleaching her hair and turned it orange. When she was upset, her mother made her stand in front of the mirror and list all of her good qualities. D.J. asks if she's going to have to do that too, and Becky says that she does. D.J. feels better and asks if she can call Becky from time to time to talk about girl stuff. Becky says that she can. They open the door to find Stephanie sleeping on the floor in the hallway, and D.J. sends Becky away and says she'll take care of it. She drags Steph back into the room and closes the door.

Becky joins the guys downstairs and Danny thanks her for helping him out with the D.J. situation. Danny and Joey leave Jesse and Becky alone to talk. Jesse tries to say that he knows she just got caught up in the excitement of the date auction and he knows that she set the boundaries of just being friends. Becky starts rambling about maybe she was wrong and goes on and on until she finally says, "Or maybe you should just shut me up" with his tongue! They kiss and are interrupted by the cry of UgBaby: "Have Mewrcy!" Ugh, learn to talk. And shouldn't you be in bed?

"Our careers are over, but we're going to pass 6th grade science!" or Middle Age Crazy (2.10)

For some reason, Danny is videotaping UgBaby Michelle riding one of those bouncing plastic horses in the kitchen. I haven't the slightest idea why he would want to record such hideousness, but my only guess is that he's doing it as a precautionary method in case he ever entertains the thought of having another child. No Danny, they're just going to get uglier! Stephanie comes in with her Token Asian Harry, boasting of Stephanie setting the hula hoop record. Steph tries to show off for her father but he gives her the brush off because apparently the videotape is only about UgMichelle. Why? Ugh, As a sibling, I think that's some really obnoxious parenting there. Normally I love Danny, but this was a dumb move.

Jesse and Joey are suffering from writer's block trying to come up with a jingle for the Sweat Shack gym. Joey's wearing a hideous Cosby-style sweater. They're desperate for ideas and reach into the trash to recycle their old rejected concepts. Among these is a pretty cheesetastic rap jingle. Stephanie comes downstairs and tries to show off her skills to the guys but they too blow her off, because they need to work. Not a moment later, D.J. comes bounding downstairs asking for help with her science project. Stephanie begins to tell her that they can't because they're busy with work, but apparently a 6th grade science project is important enough to put their careers on hold.

D.J. needs to do the classic egg drop project, and apparently her success will dictate whether or not she passes 6th grade science. Wow, really? I mean, it's not rocket science, but when we did the egg drop in school it was just for fun/bragging rights. D.J. has had 20 days to do this project but waited until last minute. That doesn't seem to be very consistent with D.J.'s character who has always been shown to be brainy and studious.

Joey proposes that they incorporate "nature's" most perfect shock absorber, the Twinkie. He stuffs the egg inside the cake-y creamy goodness and drops it on the table and naturally, it smashes. Back to the drawing board, gang.

Danny is continuing to film Michelle and Stephanie tries her hand at singing for her father's love and attention. She sings "I Sing the Songs that Make the Whole World Sing" abysmally. Even UgBaby has to cover her ears. Those Tanner girls are just not vocally gifted. Yikes. Stephanie complains that Michelle thinks she's *so* cute and then laments that she *is* so cute. Whatever to that. She's an ugly ass baby.

Now it's time for one of the awesome imagination sequences. Michelle and the three guys are in the living room and they all whip out their video cameras to capture Michelle blinking. Stephanie comes in dressed in a pink astronaut suit, just back from Mars. The guys barely acknowledge her presence and instead focus their attention on the arrival of D.J. who just returned from the arduous journey to the mailbox. They dress her in a crown and royal cape just for being the firstborn. Stephanie tries levitating around the room for attention and Danny merely asks her to dust the top of the mantle while she's up there. Of course this is met with a "How rude!" from Steph and we journey back to reality.

Harry comes back over with a camera in hand wanting to take a picture of Stephanie with her hula hoop for his scrapbook. Haha, a 6 year old boy that scrapbooks? Stephanie is sad and says that no one cares about her and decides to marry Harry. She's going to be Mrs. Stephanie Takyama and Harry proudly proclaims that he will be Harry Tanner. Hee!

D.J. and the guys meanwhile are testing out their latest egg drop device. They have encased the egg in an elastic suspended Twinkie booty and the egg bounces out of its carrier and smashes in Danny's hands as he enters the living room. Everyone barely takes notice the the large group of children filing through the house to attend a wedding in the backyard. They are too consumed with the egg drop and finally figure out that they need to add a parachute to the device. I scoff and yell "Duh!" at my television, that's the FIRST thing any normal 6th grader would come up with, let alone two grown ass men.

The wedding ceremony has begun in the backyard complete with a kazoo band! The kid conducting the ceremony is pretty cute as he states that they are there to join Stephanie and Harry in "holy mattress money." Rather than a ring, Harry presents Stephanie with a stick-on Scooby Doo tattoo, and both bride and groom are horrified to hear that their marriage is not official until they kiss. Stephanie gives Harry her hand and looks away as he pecks it. Afterwards she boasts that he's "not a bad kisser." Hee! again.

The new and improved egg drop with parachute works and they mention Einstein's theory that success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. D.J. doesn't follow so Jesse breaks it down, "It means if you don't sweat it, you don't get it!" Ding! Something clicked or the guys and they've got their jingle for Sweat World gym... which I thought they called the Sweat Shack earlier... whatever.

Danny comes in, STILL filming Michelle. Is this bordering on creepy for anyone else? Stephanie joins everyone in the living room with Harry and announces their marriage. Her happiness is temporary because Harry has to go home for meatloaf night at the Takyama household. Stephanie cries out, "Nobody wants me!" and finally the family gets a clue that they've been completely neglecting the middle daughter.

Jesse pep talks Stephanie about the perks of being in the middle. He tells her how in a sandwich the best part is found in the middle. When he tries to prompt her about what the best part of an Oreo is, Joey pipes in with the answer like the moron he is. Great Joey, you beat a 6 year old to the answer. Way to go. D.J. says that she's starting to feel depressed about not being in the middle, and finally Stephanie perks up, "I like that!" There are hugs all around and Danny finally duh's that maybe the video would be best if it featured all three of his daughters and didn't display blatant favoritism. Ya think? Stephanie begins hula-ing and singing that godawful song again, but this time the whole family joins in. At least it sounds a little better when someone who can carry a tune joins in.