Wishing You and Yours a Very Tanner Christmas!

Sorry for the use of an Ug picture... and it's one from the books and not the show... but it DOES imply she's having a shitty Christmas, so I felt it was apropos.

If for Christmas you wanted a new blog entry... well, you're screwed. But, feel free to check out Episode 2.9 "Our Very First Christmas Show" to get yourself into the holiday spirit. If you haven't read it, it's new to you!

"Whoever designed these airline bathrooms was not wearing pantyhose!" or Our Very First Christmas Show (2.9)

Danny is toting a video camera and documenting the first ever Tanner family Christmas reunion to be held in Colorado. Jesse and Joey come in singing "Winter Wonderland" and pander to the cameras, Jesse noting that Danny is only doing the video to write it off on his taxes. Danny makes a mental note to edit that portion of the video out.

Stephanie comes in all gloomy and not wanting to go to Colorado because she's afraid that Santa won't be able to find her there. Danny promises that Santa will be there Christmas morning because Joey has a Santa suit packing in one of their many suitcases.

D.J. wanders into Ug's room and is bursting with a secret she's dying to tell. Apparently she snooped and happened upon the girls' Christmas presents. She's getting a CD player, Steph's getting new roller skates (and now that "I've got a brand new pair of roller skates" song playing in my head) and Michelle's getting a whole bunch of toys. Hm, does that really sound fair? One CD player, One pair of roller skates and many many toys? Gee, who's the favorite?

Now the family's on the plane and Danny's documenting the pre-flight process. It includes such fascinating events as fastening seat belts and returning trays to the upright position. Stephanie posts a "Stephanie on Board" sign on the window for Santa. Everyone "Aww"'s when Joey tells them that it's Michelle's first plane trip. I would be indifferent/annoyed at the prospect of having my flight ruined by the cries of a screaming child and be furiously rummaging through my purse for my iPod to drown her out.

Becky is on the plane too, she's stopping over in Colorado to pick up a connecting flight on her way home to Nebraska. Danny asks her to say a little bit on the video for their WUSF viewers and she too accuses Danny of making the video to serve as a tax write-off. Jesse tries to score proposing they sneak away for a little romance on the slopes and claims he's "always wanted to go skiing in Nebraska." As Becky says in a later episode, it's never really been known as the mountain state. Naturally, Jesse strikes out, and all of the majesty is captured by Danny on film. He tells him to edit it out, but eff that. That little gem is their ticket to a daytime Emmy award!

Some fat dude in a bad toupee rudely tells DJ that she's in his seat. Both DJ and Danny reveal that they have tickets for the same seat. This guy is adamant that he will have the seat because he reserved it months ago. The stewardess says, in an awesome display of passive aggression and "go fuck yourself" masked in sweetness that that's fine because she has two open seats in first class and offers to upgrade DJ and Stephanie. Luckyyyy. I've never been in first class, is it everything it's cracked up to be? Now I just fly Southwest. They don't believe in "classes." And allegedly they're biased against "pretty girls" (re: sluts) which offends me because I am the hotness and I always am treated like a queen on my flights. Methinks those girls were probably bitches.

During the flight Michelle begins stroking the man's toupee saying"kitty" and pulls it off of his head. He gets pissed and I'm with him. That is his personal space and how the fuck is it okay for them to prop the baby so she's essentially sitting on his headrest? I would be so pissed. He snap and she cries and he gets scolded for it, and Jesse then leads the plane on a rousing rendition of "The Girl from Ipanema" to soothe Ug. The hell? That's her soothing lullaby? It's not just me, that's a pretty weird random selection, right?

The plane is forced to land due to a heavy blizzard and once their on the ground the conditions worsen so the entire clan is stuck spending the night in the airport. Stephanie is freaking out and is convinced that there's no way that Santa will find her in an airport. Stephanie tries to call the Operator for Santa or Mrs. Claus' phone numbers. Naturally they hang up on her and she replies with, what else? "How rude!" DJ goes to talk her down. The man in the bad toupee clarifies where the Tanner's are sitting and plans to camp out as far away from them as possible. Dude, I hear you.

Under the direction of his father, Jesse tries to make the moves on Becky when Nick points out that she's sitting by herself all forlorn and sad about being apart from her family on Christmas. He tries to be all smooth and sexy and gets her to talking about home. She mentions that her brother informed her that Janice is really blossoming. Jesse thinks she's talking about a sister, but it turns out to be her cow. She leaves to go call home, and Jesse tells his father that he was dissed so that she could go call her cow. Wow. Burn.

Danny is horror stricken when he realizes that the bag carrying all of the presents is missing. How bizarre, why would every other bag come through and just this one be missing? Oh yeah, because some cheap airline employee running the X-Ray saw the contents and hit the jackpot when they happened upon Danny's luggage. Because maybe they had put off their shopping til last minute, and had three daughters desiring this exact set of gifts. Maybe.

DJ attempts to talk down Stephanie by informing her that Rudolph has red nose radar that will make it possible for Santa to find Stephanie no matter where she is. Danny comes over and Stephanie tells him about the RNR, and he says that sometimes in intense blizzards, the radar isn't quite as effective. Stephanie runs off all bummed again and DJ asks what's up. Danny says that she's old enough to hear the truth and tells her that the suitcase carrying the gifts is missing. DJ joins Stephanie in her misery. Lighten up girls, be thankful your plane didn't crash! That's my sentiment every time my plane touches down safely. I really really hate flying.

Danny's desperate to salvage the holiday for his girls and tells Joey to put on his Santa suit. He comes out and Stephanie is totally buying his shtick until he's busted by Michelle who keeps calling him Joey. Dude, Steph. How can you let that UgTard outsmart you? Stephanie tries to tell Michelle it's Santa and does the classic beard test. Whoops, it is Joey. The mood is ruined as melancholy sets in once more.

Jesse is starting to get really fed up with everyone's bad attitude about the holidays. He goes on a rant that he can't believe how caught up everyone is in the commercialism and consumerism of the holiday. He reminds them of the true meaning of Christmas, about spending time with the people who matter most to you. He gestures to a coat rack and asks Joey what he sees. Jesse says that to him, it's a grandly decorated Christmas tree. He tells them that the vending machine to him is a feast fit for kings. He points to the conveyor belt and asks his father what he sees, and doesn't have anything festive and concedes that well, that's just a conveyor belt. Jesse leads the entire terminal into a rousing rendition of "Winter Wonderland" and hooraaaaay Christmas has been saved! Thanks Uncle SexyPants! Is it wrong that despite the fug Cosby/Bridget Jones style Christmas sweater, I find Uncle Jesse totally foxy while he's passionately spewing holiday joy?

It's night time and Danny has fallen asleep on the conveyor belt. UgMichelle hits button that controls the belt (really? It's just somewhere completely accessibly to anyone, even young children? That seems like it would be a major liability). Jesse stirs and scoops up Michelle to wish her a Merry Christmas. He turns on the lights and instantly swtiches from hot and sexy to super obnoxious as he wakes everyone up to tell them it's Christmas. How early is it? I'd be PISSED and yell something like "That's nice, now let me get some fucking sleep Hair Boy!" The conveyor belt starts back up and a snow covered Danny is brought back inside. Poor Danny.

Nick points to Becky standing by the coffee machine and asks him what he sees. Nick points out that she's standing under the mistletoe, waiting to be kissed and urges him to do so. Jesse does and uses the rationale that kissing under mistletoe is Christmas Law and because Goody Two Shoes Becky is a law-abiding citizen (as well as a down-low slut) they engage in a hella kiss.

Santa shows up, Joey's still present and he passes the beard test. Suddenly the suitcase carrying the presents come through on the conveyor belt, and when everyone turns back to where Santa was seated, he's gone. The laptop sitting on a chair has a message of tidings and joy, and when Danny and Joey discover that Joey's Santa suit is still in his duffel bag, they wonder if that may have been the real deal. The message on the computer changes and personally addresses Stephanie, thanking her for the map. Everyone swears that they see Santa flying away and even though it's March, I'm totally now in the Christmas spirit. Sorry this recap came almost 3 months late! Whoops!

Is it wrong to admit that shows like this that acknowledge that Santa is made up, but then suggests the possibility of it being a reality make me really happy? I mean, I'm completely logical and practical and a woman of reason, but a little part of me likes to believe in simplistic things like magic.

Uh, what I mean to say is, Christmas and Santa are gay! Snark snark snark!

"You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a garbage disposal!" or The Heartbreak Kid (6.16)

This episode is dually awesome and atrocious. First of all, it sucks because it's pretty Michelle-centric. On the other hand, it also involves Michelle having her heart broken and being generally humiliated, so it's a fair trade.

The girls, plus Steve and Kimmy are in the kitchen making cookies. Kimmy has apparently taken up anatomy class at school and is toting her textbook around for gross-out purposes only. She shows Michelle a picture of an actual human heart and Michelle replies with "Ewwww!" and I laugh at how early on in the episode that Michelle's misery begins! Steve made an "M" cookie covered in sprinkles and presents it to Michelle, prompting jokes from him and D.J. about it being true love. You can tell by the vacant idiot gaze on Michelle's face that she's not in on the joke. Oh, this is going to be so good.

Stephanie is up in the attic, aka Jesse and Rebecca and the twins' "apartment," and is trying to teach Jesse how to use a laptop. Jesse is completely computer illiterate, and I guess it's supposed to be funny, but it's a really boring attempt at humor.

Joey and Danny are going through old junk and it comes out that Joey dated one of Danny's exes. Danny is understandably pissed (Bro's before Ho's, y'all) but before they can really get into it, who should interrupt but that UgSnot Michelle. Ug asks Danny what you do when you love someone and after some bitter barbs thrown Joey's way, he tells her that when you really love someone, you marry them.

UgSnot's a woman on a mission, she seeks out Steve and proposes to him. D.J. and Steve play along and D.J. even forges a ring for Michelle. Ug is soooooo fucking happy and so am I... because I know how this is going to turn out and I love seeing Michelle in pain!!!

Because they're completely nuts and can't stop living in the past, Joey calls this ex-girlfriend of both Danny and Joey to get the real story about who she loved more or whatever, and it turns out that she dated both of them to make some other guy jealous. Who was this masked man you ask? None other than the San Fran Don Juan, Jesse Katsopolis!, natch. Just then, Jesse comes down the stairs freaking out because his shitty kids, Nicky and Alex, managed to erase his entire report off of his computer. Luckily the Miracle Worker (no! Not Anne "Annie" Sullivan (what what? Massachusetts repreSENT!), Stephanie Tanner!) is on hand to retrieve the lost file.

Denise pokes her head into the kitchen to tell the family to haul ass into the living room as it's time for Michelle's wedding. Denise plays the wedding march on her kazoo and to the surprise of no one, our blushing bride looks completely fug. Comet is carrying her train behind her. Denise instructs Michelle and Steve to hold hands and Ug holds out her hand, looks at Steve and says, "It's okay, I washed." Ewww, like do you not do that regularly? Are you a nosepicker? God I hate her.

They are "married" and then Steve starts to leave to get back home because it's meatloaf night. Mmm meatloaf. UgSnot didn't grasp the whole "pretend" aspect of her wedding and tells Steve that he can't leave because they're married now. The family tries to gently let her down with reasoning. Danny says that if she's married, she can no longer share a room with Stephanie. Stephanie gets caught up in the excitement of a life less fugly and jumps at the prospect of her own room, missing the point of trying to clue Michelle in to her wedding being a sham.

Joey throws his two cents in that when you get married, you move away from your family. Good argument except oh yeah, Uncle Jesse still lives in the attic with his wife and two kids. Might be a good time to hint that they find their own ace-play. I mean, are they going to live in an attic with two teenage boys? That's ridiculous!

And oh jesus, here comes some horribly Olsen dramatic acting. With zero emotion or inflection, UgSnot says robotically, "I don't believe it." Then she hurls her bouquet down and again says sans emotion, "That was mean. Really mean." Cue dramatic music as she runs up to her room and cue my uproarious laughter at her expense. Stupid troll.

The rest of the episode's pretty weak since everyone apologizes and kisses Michelle's ass. Steve and D.J. offer to make it up to her and with her trademarked UgSnot-shit-eating grin she requests pizza. Steve says it will be on him, and as the girls file out of the room, he turns to Danny and asks the T to spot him the money to feed his piggish daughters. I'd point out the massive amounts of money Steve saves by consuming every single edible item in the Tanner household, but in his defense, I wouldn't want to spend any of my money on Michelle either.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Valentine's weekend! I've been working non-stop, but I get to see my Valentine Sunday, so yay! In closing, I leave you with the romantic words of John on CMT's "My Big Redneck Wedding": "I wish I could put your love in a locket, because you're hotter than a Hot Pocket!" (His mother's reply to these touching vows? "Oo, I love Hot Pockets!")

Who said romance is dead? Hope you enjoyed all the Valentine's recaps!

"I love these aggressive women of the 90's!" or Dateless in San Francisco (8.17)

Sorry for the lapse in Valentine recap's. I ended up working wicked late on VDay (and the obviously all of my co-workers opted for an obligatory post-work bar trip (don't worry, I'm still making good on my no booze, I just drank water with lime and kicked ass in darts)). Then, I ended up picking up an extra shift last night. Oh and to top it off, there's been some serious drama in my life that's preempted my FH enjoyment, but I've got a few moments, so here goes.

So much Valentiney "goodness." Can you handle it?!?!? We open on Michelle's fug class, where Joey and Mrs. Carruthers are coming in to tell them that because they sold the most candy bars for a fundraiser they are being treated to a Valentine's Day party. Michelle's teacher not-so-subtly inquires as to whether or not Joey will be in attendance for the party.

Lisa, the scary bitch child, declares that they must all have dates for the Valentine's party and assigns boyfriends and girlfriends to everyone in the class. She claims Derek as her man in a scary Amazonian way and assigns Michelle and Teddy and Aaron with Sophia. Who? That girl looked way too familiar to me, and I had to totally google that shit (seriously, what did we do before the internet and google? Just sit around and let unknown names/faces/facts bug the shit out of us?). I had figured she was in something else, but apparently her name is Fiona Landers and she's a folk singer who I most likely recognize from VH1 Artists You Oughta Know or "Grey's Anatomy" or something. Hey, where's Denise? She just disappeared! Aaron tells Sophia not to wear anything trampy and Whoa! FH, that was pretty racy.

Danny is trying to plan his first Valentine's Day with Claire (Claire as in Gia's mom, not Danny's mother). He's getting advice from Jesse, aka Mr. Romance, about how to make it special. Jesse lists various cliched activities of Valentine's past (though strangely enough doesn't mention the hay ride through San Fran in season two (which I just recapped below). Unfortunately one of the activities listed was a VDay spent holding hands walking across the Golden Gate Bridge sipping champagne (My guess? Korbel!) to which Becky replies "That wasn't me." Ouch, busted!

Becky inquires as to what romantic plans Jesse has planned for this Valentine's Day and he brushes her off saying that Danny needs help wooing Claire whereas him and Becky are an old married couple who are way past the point of woo.

Michelle goes to D.J. for boyfriend advice. Her and Teddy proceed to act really annoying doing things they think boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to do. She sends him home to call her. Meanwhile, a bunch of gifts from a secret admirer are pouring in for Joey. Ugh, who would want Joey as their Valentine. He figures it's just Mrs. Carruthers, but it's not like she makes her lust a secret (thought we wish she would).

Jesse has come up with the perfect Valentine's Day plans... for Danny and Claire. He goes on and on and Becky is miffed that he's wasted all his time and energy planning romance for someone else. Stephanie is walked home by some mullet-y kid who carries her bag. He says he wishes she wasn't so smart because all of her books are heavy. She reveals that she brought her rock collection in for science class and that was a weird bit. I guess they needed to give Stephanie a storyline.

Teddy calls and Michelle tells him to come back over. He does and she tells him he can't thumb wrestler her and has to do things like carry her books, and Teddy declares that being a boyfriend sucks and promptly breaks up with her. Michelle tells him he has a bad attitude and pleads with him to stay with her "for the children." God Michelle's an idiot.

D.J. and Kimmy come into Michelle and Stephanie's room to return a flannel D.J. had borrowed and happen upon a melancholy Michelle. Literally, nothing in this world makes me happier than a sad Olsen. She destroys all potential sympathy anyone may have possibly had for her when she asks D.J. for advice because she gets dumped all the time. D.J. corrects Michelle that she is the one who does the dumping. Michelle says either way, she's always home alone on a Saturday night. And seriously, what a little shit. At this point I would have walked out, but for some reason D.J. stays to give Michelle advice.

Eventually Becky and Stephanie file in with their own man troubles and it essentially turns into a big ol' man bashing fest. Bo-ring!

Down in the kitchen, Becky flips out on Jesse for his lack of romance, and his response? You need some fresh air. She keeps on ranting, as Jesse leads her outside where there's a hot air balloon stocked with red roses and champagne waiting for them. Jesse says something reeking of awesomeness, that every time Becky wakes up next to him, he falls in love all over again. Aww. Do you think it was awkward since Stamos and Lori Loughlin used to date in real life? I wish the show brought them back together, because I think those two crazy kids might have had a shot at love (with Tila Tequila).

We're at Michelle's class' Valentine's Day party. The girls are separated on one side of the room with the boys on the other. Their teacher encourages them all to dance, and the girls stalk their male prey. Lisa frightens the fuck out of me. I hate kids like her. Naturally, the newly single Michelle and Teddy are left sitting alone. They eventually talk and renew their friendship and dance and blah blah boring, I hate Michelle.

Joey meanwhile, goes to confront Mrs. Carruthers about all of her gifts and Secret Admirer nonsense. She mistakes his returning of gifts as gifts for her, until they clarify that she was not his admirer. She's about to jump his bones until Joey busts out his master diversion: telling Mrs. C he just saw Willard Scott in a thong. And may I say, "Ugh!"? Whenever I hear the name Willard Scott, I automatically think of all of the nonsensical rambling clips they play on "The Soup."

After Mrs. C runs off, Joey's left with Michelle's teacher, Mrs. Ullman (call her Cindy!) who reveals herself to be his secret admirer. Loser. They flirt and make promises of future dates, but as most FH romantic devices, it will fizzle out before anything ever comes to fruition and will never be mentioned past this episode.

"Oh yeah? Well if I'm a chicken wing then you're a double decker lamewad chicken sandwich!" or Little Shop of Sweaters (2.14)

First and foremost, does anyone think it was intentional that this Valentine's episode is the fourteenth of the second season, thereby making it episode 2.14 which just so happens to be the same numbers as Valentine's Day? Or do we think it's just a happy coincidence? Ponder. Discuss. Love.

It's Valentine's Day at the Tanner's and D.J., Stephanie and Joey are in the kitchen as Jesse comes bounding down the stairs singing "My Funny Valentine." He shows off a pair of earrings to Joey that he bought for Becky. He's nervous and wants their first Valentine's together to be special. Cheese. Danny comes in bearing VDay presents for the girls. D.J.'s hoping for the royal blue sweater that she's been not-so-subtly hinting at since after Christmas.

They open their gifts, Stephanie got a lock and D.J. opens her box to reveal royal blue... socks. She tries to mask her disappointment, but Danny totally psychs her out by saying that those socks will go great with her brand new royal blue sweater! D.J. is ecstatic and Stephanie tries on the sweater and says it would make a great dress. D.J. flips a shit about Stephanie stretching her sweater out and they bicker back and forth until Danny demands they say something nice to each other. D.J. tells Stephanie she has a wonderful big sister, and Stephanie retorts that she has a wonderful little sister. D.J. outwits her by agreeing and saying that she has Michelle. Touche, D.J. Though for the record, I wholeheartedly disagree with the assertion that Michelle is wonderful.

UgBaby, meanwhile, has stalled at opening her gift and doesn't get past bow removal. The guys open her present to reveal a sweater and she takes off for the living room toting the box and ignoring the gift. Jesse suggests that next year they just get her a box.

That afternoon, D.J. and Stephanie come home from school and Stephanie notices that D.J. isn't wearing her new royal blue sweater. D.J. removes the sweater from her bag, piece by piece. Apparently during recess, D.J. took the sweater off to play soccer so it didn't get all sweaty and gross, and while it was lying on the grass, the gardener ran it over with his lawn mower. I don't think I've ever heard of a school groundskeeper referred to as a gardener. Who knows though, maybe the San Francisco public school system marches to the beat of their own drum...

Kimmy comes over with money for D.J. to buy a new sweater. Joey drops D.J., Kimmy and Stephanie off at the mall and they go into the store where D.J. finds the sweater. She also finds out that it costs a whopping $80. Problem is, she was only able to muster up $43.80 (plus 322 pennies... in cash (for the mathematically challenged, that's $47.02 in all)). The salesperson tells them that they're a little short to which Stephanie replies, "I can't help it, I'm only 6." Bwah! Stephanie then takes notice of a sign reading, "Buy Now, Pay Later" and inquires about it. The salesclerk chipperly explains the concept of credit, and like, duh, she's setting herself up to get shoplifted. Why the hell wouldn't she explain that to have credit you need a credit card, rather than let a 6 year old child think she can take something and pay for it later? Moron. Naturally Stephanie pilfers the sweater and the girls file out at the same time of another woman. The security alarm goes off and they stop the other woman as D.J. and Kimmy talk about how much they hate shoplifters. Irony!

Joey is super impressed that all of the girls were able to go into the mall for 20 minutes and not purchase a single item. Up in the girls' room, D.J. wonders how she's going to tell the guys about the sweater, and Stephanie tells them not to worry because she took care of it. She explains credit, and D.J. and Kimmy tell her that without a credit card, it's shoplifting. Danny's taking the girls out so D.J. has to wear her new sweater, so the girls find a way to conceal the security tag.

Joey and his girlfriend Cheryl, (hey remember her? I don't think they ever officially broke up, they just phased her out) are on their way to a Valentine's costume party with him dressed as Popeye and Cheryl as Olive Oyl. Maybe this was the unravelling of their relationship because Cheryl is HELLA annoying attempting to do Olive Oyl's voice. They're toting Michelle looking uglier than ever in a misshapen bald cap as Sweet Pea and I can't think of a less attractive accessory. The girls come down with their shirts rolled up on the side, and tell Danny it's the newest style. They go off of their date to see "Roger Rabbit" just as Becky and Jesse come back from a hay ride through San Francisco that's left Jesse sneezing. Jesse comments on Danny's shirt being rolled up and Danny says it's the latest style.

More Valentine's romance with Becky and Jesse, romantic music, fire, champagne, cliche. Exchange of gifts, Jesse bought Becky sapphire earrings and she got him an Elvis spoon... yeah... Jesse tells Becky he's glad she made him wait 4 months before they dated because it gave them an opportunity to become friends first and heightened the level of intimacy in their relationship. He says that he's ready to spend every weekend with her and tosses his little black book into the fire. Not every weekend though, as Becky has a date Saturday. Whore! He dives into the fire to retrieve his book and says he can get a date for Saturday too. But he catches himself and admits he doesn't want anyone but her. Becky tells him she's worried things are moving too fast and asks him to take it slow, and she says he won't have to wait long. They kiss and she says she plans on taking it slow, and we cut to commercial knowing full well that they are doing it all over the Tanner household. Twice on Michelle's bed.

The next day, D.J. brings Stephanie back to the mall to return the sweater she stole. As they enter the store the alarm goes off and they are immediately descended upon and accosted by a bitchy salesclerk. I have major beef with her attitude because yeah, they might have stolen the sweater, but it was only because she's 6 years old and was mislead by the clerk. Not to mention the fact that they were only busted for it when they came back in to return it. I mean, yeah shoplifting is a big deal, but they knew it was wrong and were trying to do right by bringing it back. Bitch! She calls the guys in and they jump to their defense... until the girls admit that Stephanie did take the sweater to replace the one D.J. had that was ruined.

Danny asks the girls why they didn't just come to him with their problem, and D.J. says she thought she could handle it herself. Danny kindly points out that that method usually gets her into more trouble. He tells them that they can always come to him and Stephanie asks if maybe he can help fix the sweater. He says he'll give it a try and is horrified as it's handed to him piece by piece by piece. He masks his horror with a chuckle saying that at least they all learned something. But, as soon as he's outside of the room and closes the door, we hear him lament, "Eighty dollars!"

D.J. thanks Stephanie for trying to help her and they say they can always count on one another for help in difficult situations and she even agrees to let Stephanie play with some of her toys. Ah, sisterly love. And see how unnecessary Michelle is?

Stay tuned, I should have all the romantic Valentine's themed episodes of "Full House" up before the day's over. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Uncle Jesse, will you be mine?

"You know, some day you're going to like boys." "But not today!" or The Wedding, Parts I and II (4.18 and 4.19)

I don't know what sort of drug-induced coma I was in for the majority of Season Four, but I at least managed to catch the most important episodes of the season:the two-parter of Jesse and Rebecca's wedding. I'll catch the rest of the episodes I missed on the next go 'round.

We open with Ug (and seriously, like who else do they ever open on?) practicing for her role as flower girl in Jesse and Becky's wedding. She's wasting an entire box of tissues, pissing off Danny all the while.

Stephanie is toting around a camcorder as her and D.J. document "The Making of a Wedding." D.J. is hosting and taking all of the credit for the video until Stephanie points out that it's a joint wedding gift and insists upon getting some props. D.J. does so grudgingly, and Stephanie also attempts to get some face time by turning the camera back on herself for a bit until D.J. yanks her away to continue filming the behind the scenes wedding drama.

Becky tells Michelle that her sister Connie and nephew Howie are back in town for the wedding. She reminds her that they were best friends, but Michelle's not feeling Howie. She better get over it soon because they're going to be roomies this weekend! Are they too young to be playing doctor? Should Danny be concerned about this co-ed cohabitation? Connie is being played by the same actress as before who was also recycled as Stephanie's messy dance teacher Karen. In Michelle and Howie's shared room, they begin arguing. Just wait til they get to the make up sex. I keed, I keed, that would be disgusting... and logistically impossible. Danny tries on his tux and his pants are too short and Becky starts freaking out. Joey comes up from trying his tux on in his room and it's much too long. Chillax Becky, they just got their pants switched.

Becky's parents are also in town (naturally), and are coming to the Tanner's to meet Jesse for the first time. Wait, what? They've been together for HOW long? If I was seeing someone, I think I'd make sure that they meet my parents sometime prior to the weekend of our wedding. Becky's father comes in through the front door all in a tizzy because apparently on the way over, he was cut off by a "hoodlum in black leather" on a motorcycle. Jesse storms through the kitchen entrance ranting about a "walnut driving 6 miles per hour." They realize immediately that they were talking about each other and I really can't believe that they never met prior to the wedding! Ridiculous!

The Donaldson's move into the kitchen where they happen upon Danny and Joey, both without pants on. Danny weakly explains that they had to switch pants because they got their tuxes confused, but the Donaldson's still look pretty appalled. Becky starts freaking out and Jesse has to calm her down. They kiss as D.J. narrates, "The last kiss before the big 'I do.' A moment to be treasured... I'm D.J. Tanner." Ha! They both turn and look at D.J. pointedly and that was pretty awesome.

Howie's in his jammies pretending he's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He threatens the heads of Michelle's Barbies and she gets pretty pissed.

Mr. D goes to have a talk with Jesse and tells him to call him Kenneth. Among many things, he tells Jesse how he too used to be a wild man on the rodeo circuit before he settled down for married life. Mr. D also scores an excellent barb here by telling him that he wears clothes that should be wallets. Bwah! He tells Jesse that it's about time for him to hang up his spurs and settle down. Early the next morning, Jesse tells Joey how marriage means no more adventures and that if he has any doubts he shouldn't walk down the aisle.

It's 7AM on Valentine's Day, 3 hours prior to the wedding. He's taking Joey with him to an undisclosed location. Eventually the rest of the family stirs and realizes that Jesse and Joey are missing.

Cut to Jesse and Joey seated in an airplane with Jesse suited up to skydive. His last words to Joey are that if anything should happen to him on this adventure, then he wants him to marry Becky. With that, Jesse leaps from the plane and Joey looks on with horror as he realizes that Jesse has jumped without his... mousse.

The family is gathered at the church with the girls wearing their peach nightmares of bridesmaid dresses. Michelle spies Howie in his tux and proclaims him to be a "hunk." If the crib's a rockin'... ugh, I've just thoroughly disgusted myself. Danny's spreading the word that the groom is missing and everyone is relieved when Joey shows up. But there's a look of panic across Joey's face when he realizes that Jesse has yet to make it to the church. Cut to Jesse stuck in a tree. Ruh Roh! And so ends part one...

Ugh, for some reason, recapping duties for part two falls on the shoulders of Ug. Why do they do this to me?

Picking up where we left off, Jesse's parachute has left him caught in and hanging from a tree. A tomato truck takes notice of him and stops to offer a hand. Problem is, the driver figures he can get Jesse down in 2-3 hours. Obviously that sort of time frame isn't going to work out for the Jess man and he unclips his release and free-falls into the massive amounts of tomatoes in the back of the truck.

Tomato truck driver is PISSED, especially when Jesse casually suggests that he make ketch-up out of the squashed tomatoes. What Jesse doesn't know is that he's in "Tomato Country" and telling someone to "go make ketch-up" is the equivalent of telling them to fuck themselves... I think. To make matters worse, Jesse attempts to steal the tomato truck and make a getaway, but as he gets inside, a cop pulls up. Busted!

D.J. and Stephanie are still filming away at the church. Methinks this isn't something that Becky's going to want to relive. They interview a hungry Joey and also manage to get Becky's concerned yet furious words for Jesse. Danny's on the phone trying to track down Jesse and finally Jesse calls... from Tomato Country prison. Becky borrows her father's car keys to go bail her man out of the slammer.

She shows up livid and wondering why in the hell he chose the morning of their wedding to jump out of the plane. When he explains why he wanted to have one last adventure, she tells him that marriage is going to be the greatest adventure and that they can try new and exciting things together. They kiss and the cop is so touched, he drops the charges on account of it being Valentine's Day.

They run outside just in time to see Mr. Donaldson's car towed. Wow is he going to be PISSED! They manage to get a ride on a bus carrying a gospel choir who recognize Becky from WUSF. They're so star-struck they even let her drive the bus. Man, I hope she's licensed to do that. Then I remember she's from Nebraska, so she probably is. The choir sings during the drive and when they pull up to the church they file in behind Jesse and Rebecca.

Finally it's time for the wedding. Michelle begins her flower girl procession and runs out of rose petals halfway down the aisle. You suck! You suck! You suck! We don't even get to see D.J. and Stephanie walk down the aisle, and I'm assuming it's because Jesse didn't have any ushers and they didn't want to address that.

It's vow time and rather than recite pretty words, Jesse does his in song. Oh yes, it's time for "Forever." ["If every word I said, could make you laugh, I'd talk forever..." I could go on and do the whole thing, and you know that you could too!] The music swells as the gospel choir chimes in and I must confess, it sounds great. Over the musical interlude, they play a photo montage of the two actors as babies, then children, teens, and ends with some of Jesse & Becky's classic romantic moments. It's actually a pretty nice touch.

Back to the wedding, Becky has joined Jesse on the piano bench and sings the final verse in "Forever" with him. Aww, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Jesse Katsopolis.

Because of the time lapse due to Jesse's temporary incarceration, they lost the hall for the wedding reception so it's being held at the Tanner's house. I can't even believe that they weren't just planning to have it there from the get-go. D.J. busts Michelle eyeing the cake in the kitchen and tells her to back off. Ug quips that she's "just looking" and man I wish D.J. would backhand her monkey-faced ass.

Time for the first dance as man and wife. Jesse and Becky preface their selection by explaining that he wanted to select an Elvis song and Becky preferred a ballad, and I call shenanigans because Elvis had ballads. Hello? "Can't Help Falling in Love" is one of my all-time favorites! How could they overlook this perfect solution to their quandary? Instead, Jesse launches into a slow ballad-y version of "Jailhouse Rock" until Becky tells them to hit it, and everyone rocks out. Unfortunately, "everyone" also includes Howie and Michelle who do some stupid kid dance that some may find "cute."

There's a montage of scenes from the reception including cutting the cake and shoving it in each other's faces. Time for a segue rant. I absolutely abhor the tradition of smashing cake into the bride or groom's face. I just think it's gross and shows a great amount of disrespect to do that to someone you're supposed to love and be partners with. I just find it to be very low-brow and trashy. My sister and mom feel the same way. Maybe we're just snobs, but I don't think I'm alone here.

D.J. catches the bouquet and years were just removed from Danny's life. Michelle catches the garter, and I think it's always a small child who catches it because it's hilariously inappropriate. Becky and Jesse change clothes and ride off on Jesse's harley to celebrate their honeymoon. Aww yay, Just Married.

"Can you feel it?" or The Miracle [Dum-da-da-daaa] of Thanksgiving (1.9)

I must preface this recap with the acknowledgment that this episode is kind of tough to snark on. It's actually pretty touching and heartwarming without being overwhelmingly cheesy, but I'm sure Joey will do something idiotic for me to hate on.

It's Thanksgiving morning and Danny goes into the nursery to wake up UgBaby Michelle. Bearing a decorative turkey, he pep talks her to try and get her to say "turkey" that night over dinner to "blow everyone away". I guess that would be mildly impressive. Danny brings Michelle into Jesse's room and plops her down onto his face in a sort of reverse tea-bagging. I can't think of a more unpleasant way to be woken up than nasty UglyBaby ass on my face.

Jesse's not too enthused about being woken up early, but is surprisingly unfazed by the whole butt on the face thing. Hm. The guys go downstairs to wake up the annoyingly perky Joey. I would just like to take a moment to point out that once again, Joey's mannequin in the alcove is wearing pajamas identical to the ones Joey is in. I know this is probably just something the prop/costume teams do, but it's still freaky. So we're to think that this grown ass man not only has a mannequin (as if that weren't weird enough), but that he changes it's clothes daily to match his own attire? That is just so creepy!

Danny is stressed because apparently it snowed a lot in Tacoma. Why does anyone care? Well, it turns out that Claire, aka Granny Tanny lives in Tacoma and was supposed to be flying in to help cooking Thanksgiving dinner. But due to inclement weather, she's snowed in. Tanner Thanksgiving = Fucked. Danny is panicked. This is the first Thanksgiving they're celebrating since the death of Pam, and he wants everything to be perfect so that it's easier on the girls. Aww, poor Danny. I can't even imagine what this situation must be like. No hate here.

Danny's afraid that he can't put together a decent meal without Pam or his mother helping and wants to eat out. D.J. is thoroughly opposed to the idea and insists that they give it a shot. She said that last year her mother taught her how to make her pumpkin pie, and that Grandma told her how to prepare the turkey when they last spoke on the phone. Danny's touched and encouraged by the enthusiasm and they decide to give it the old college try.

Cooking montage to the song "Get Ready." I love cooking big dinners in a group, especially with the radio or a CD blasting. It can be a really kickass time. We didn't usually perform dance routines like the Tanner clan are doing, but yeah, it's a cute scene. They prepare their feast on the table and Joey and Jesse go to carve the turkey. D.J. is very relieved because she was terrified of screwing up the turkey and was so nervous that it wouldn't turn out right, but thankfully "it looks just like the one Mom made last year."

Meanwhile, J&J are trying to carve the turkey, which is a nice golden color on the outside, but it's apparently frozen solid still. Whoops. Guess Granny Tanny didn't properly explain the delicate timing issue involved when one prepares a frozen turkey. Not wanting to hurt D.J.'s feelings, the guys try to hide the frozen turkey from her. Suddenly the doorbell rings. It's two blodne bimbos who have an already cooked turkey with them. They're looking for their Uncle's house and Danny offers them up to $200 for their turkey. They decline, go on their merry way, and eventually D.J. finds out that the turkey is frozen when Danny ends up burning it trying to cook it fast. To make matters worse, Stephanie drops the pumpkin pie on the floor, and D.J. cries that she ruined Thanksgiving and flees to her bedroom. Sadness.

Danny tells D.J. that the turkey and the pie are inconsequential to the success of Thanksgiving. It's just about being with family and celebrating their love and all that mushy goodness. Meanwhile, Jesse and Stephanie are looking through photo albums of Thanksgivings past with Pam. Danny and D.J. join them and then he sends the girls downstairs. Jesse looks at the photos and with a lot of sadness says, "You missed a great Thanksgiving, sis." And here's where this episode turns totally heartbreaking. Jesse's taking his first Thanksgiving in 26 years without his big sister really hard, and from a character that doesn't get overly emotional, it's a really good moment for Jesse. Him and Danny sit on the bed, Jesse fighting back tears while Danny consoles him.

Stamos really pulls all the heartstrings as he goes on and on about all the pain and hurting and asking when will it stop hurting so much? I guess playing Blackie on "General Hospital" paid off for Stamos here. Him and Danny share a great moment, as he shares more stories about Pam while looking at the photos. Danny very touchingly tells Jesse that he's so happy to have him there, and it's just a sweet moment between brothers-in-law.

Damn you, Full House! For piecing together a really nice holiday special that I can't hate on because of how much I love Thanksgiving! Damn you!

Now the whole family's gathered around the table, giving thanks, and Danny prepares to carve the blackened turkey offering up the options of "dark and really dark" meat. Fin. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'm going to go pass out now for a few hours!