"The little goofball worships me!" or Aftershocks (3.11)

Jesse and Joey are in Jesse's room jamming out wearing dark glasses like some sort of bastardized Blues Brothers. Jesse is playing the ol' six string and Joey is playing the harmonica. I must point out that Joey is also wearing a beret, not that that wardrobe choice should surprise any of you. Just then, who should wander in but UgTot, who demands they play her the teapot song. They oblige with a bluesy version of "I'm a Little Teapot" and Jesse urges Michelle to "shake her little tushy." Please, I beg of you, no more. The Powers that be hear my cry and we thankfully cut to the credits.

Jesse is trying to discover what's clogging the garbage disposal and asks Ug how her toy Gumby got jammed in there. Ug hasn't a clue (of course) and predictably, Joey thanks Jesse for finding his toy. DJ and Kimmy come in, DJ showing off her costume for the school's Christmas pageant. Kimmy has apparently been staying at the Tanner's for the past two days while her house is under repairs. Joey informs her that she can go home, pointing out that she could have actually moved back yesterday but somehow, Mrs. Gibbler forgot to call. J&J are glad to be rid of the Gibbler, and already have her bags packed. UgTot comes running in and throws her arms around Kimmy, begging her to stay one more night. The hell? Kimmy's staying, DJ models her costume which Joey creepily compliments ("If I had a belly that shook like a bowl of jelly, you'd be my kind of woman") and I die a little inside.

Stephanie points out that DJ has a new pimple on her nose and DJ is distraught. Kimmy suggests that DJ switch roles with someone and play Rudolph. Stephanie comments her distress that first there was an earthquake (remember that) and now, Kimmy's staying an extra night. Later that night, Stephanie is awoken by the sounds and vibrations of a garbage truck and panics that it's another earthquake. She shakes DJ awake and DJ and Kimmy tell Stephanie to chill out. Steph goes to Ug's room to make sure she's alright and coerces her into going into Danny's room with her. They climb into bed with Danny.

Kimmy leads DJ down the stairs, because she's sporting the Cousin Itt look with all of her hair brushed forward to cover her face. She even has a pair of sunglasses on top. Joey calls her Benji (I assume he's referring to the courageous and adorable puppy of cinematic fame, which, dumb. Because she totally looks like Cousin Itt) and tells her the zit isn't that bad.



Stephanie comes in, literally clinging to Danny and asking to tag along to work with him and showering him with compliments. Danny says that she has to go to work, but they'll spend time together after work. Joey and Jesse are concerned with Stephanie's sudden increase in fatherly affections and wonder if Danny's noticed how clingy she's being. Danny says there's nothing wrong with a little girl adoring her father and thinks nothing of it.

After school, Stephanie is in a panicked tizzy because Danny isn't home yet. J&J tell her that he's probably stuck in traffic and she yells that they don't know that for sure. Danny comes home, late because of, you guessed it, traffic, and Stephanie hugs him and won't let him go. She wants to play games and accompany him on his business dinner. Danny gently tries to tell her no and Stephanie becomes very upset and cries and begs for him not to leave her. J&J give Danny a total "I told you so" look and finally, Danny gets it. Something's up with Steph.

Up in Danny's room, Danny is playing Barrel of Monkeys with Stephanie and UgTot. To the surprise of no one, Ug is too stupid to grasp the concept of the game, and Danny pulls Stephanie aside for a special one-on-one talk. Danny asks her why she was so upset about him going out, and why she's been clinging to him, and asks if something is bothering her. She insists she's fine and he wonders if that means she won't be spending the night in his room (not like THAT, you pervs!) Stephanie is insistent that nothing is wrong and she returns back to the game.

DJ comes back from the pageant and is relieved to have discovered that everyone has zits. While checking "to see if [her] nose can still stop traffic", she found 10 other girls checking their zits. DJ suggests a game of connect the dots and all the crater faced bitches laughed. DJ says she's okay with having zits, so long as her face clears up before her peers. Jesse congratulates himself on helping DJ through her crisis until Joey reminds him that they didn't actually do anything.

Danny comes down and says that his talk with Stephanie went nowhere and J&J suggest that he bring her to a therapist. Danny is against it because he feels like it's not that serious and bringing her to a stranger shows he can't help his own daughter. Jesse points out that it shows that he loves her enough to get her the help she needs. As a future Mental Health counselor, thanks for the plug, boys!

Danny brings Steph into therapy, and we get a pointless scene of a homely bucktoothed girl, who may or may not be a little slow, telling Stephanie that therapy is fun because you get to miss school. The therapist asks Stephanie to draw a picture of her family and remarks to Danny how verbal she is. Danny babbles on and on about not knowing where she gets it, and the therapist sure as shit knows where it comes from.

While Stephanie draws, Danny dusts the therapist's table and she tells him that we don't always know why we are doing the things we do and asks why he's dusting. Danny confesses that growing up, all the other kids wanted to be astronauts or firemen... he wanted to be a maid. Before the therapist gets to tackle the enigmatic mind of Danny Tanner, Stephanie finishes her drawing. Everything is pretty typical except there's a crack in the house from the earthquake, and Danny is outside the house from the rest of the family because he was late the day of the earthquake. Well, that solves the mystery of Stephanie's clinginess. She was scared that she didn't know where he was.

As a constant neurotic worrier, it's kind of hard for me to snark on Stephanie because I was totally the same way as a kid. To this day, I make my friends call me when they get home safely because otherwise I'll worry. The therapist suggests Danny and Stephanie make a list of ways to help cope with the worry and anxiety of separation and if only therapy was really that simple, and all issues that easily resolved. Notice how we never hear about another earthquake for the duration of the series.

That night the entire family is tucking Stephanie into bed. Danny tells her that if she needs to, her sleeping bag is still in his room. She asks if he's still snoring and Danny says he is, so Stephanie will spend the night in her own room. Jesse laughs about Danny's snoring. The guys remind Steph that they're close by should she need anything and everyone says goodnight. We end with Stephanie asking DJ to untuck her, because she can barely move. I hate when they end episodes on weird unfunny but supposed to be funny bits like that.

"You feeling alright out there?... We'll take care of that." or Just Say No Way (3.21)

Jesse gives the girls some chocolate moo juice, heavy on the chocolate, easy on the moo. Joey presents Michelle with a Raffi tape and they pop it into the baby boom box as Stephanie, Danny and Joey do a little song and dance routine to "Baby Beluga." I'm pretty sure I can still sing that entire song, and I almost linked it here but didn't want to get it stuck in your heads. Jesse stops and ponders when his life reached this G-rating status.

DJ and Kimmy come in and blow through the kitchen, not stopping to talk because they have to plan the school dance. Danny asks them when they plan on doing their homework and DJ says her's is almost done... and by almost done she means almost started. Heh.

Kimmy hangs up the phone and tells DJ that they've booked DogFace, a high school band, for the dance. Apparently the dance is a backwards dance, where the girls ask the guys. Kimmy and Stephanie urge DJ to invite Kevin, but she's chickenshit, so Stephanie ends up doing it for her. She's going to kill her until she finds out that KEvin accepted. Suddenly they're best friends again.

Ug is listening to "Baby Beluga" non-stop and driving Stephanie crazy. She tells Joey to be the one to change the song, but Ug won't let him, and because everyone insists upon catering to a toddler, he gives up fairly easily. It's time for the dance, everyone coos over DJ's uber 90s black bodysuit/pantsuit with a black cropped jacket with silver accessories. It's not too heinous given the time period. Kimmy arrives and tells DJ that DogFace bailed, so DJ begs Jesse to serve as the replacement band. Kevin shows up to pick up DJ and thanks Steph for inviting him. She asks if he has any younger brothers at home for her.

At the dance, Kevin meanders over to the punch bowl and tells two other guys, Paul and Sam, how socially awkward he is, especially when compared with the social butterfuly DJ, and they tell him to follow them out to the hall. I smell trouble.

Jesse is horrified to see his backup band is the school's marching band. He calls over the mic for DJ to report to the stage immediately. He's not pleased with the arrangement and DJ begs him to give the band a chance. HE agrees because he wants to really earn his 20 bucks.

DJ introduces the band and Jesse tells her to not use any names, so she calls them the "No Names." Heh. He starts playing some "Wild Thing" and the marching band chimes in and for what it's worth, they're not really all that bad. Granted, they're no DogFace. Jesse's discomfort and embarrassment is obvious and Kimmy declares that he's not worth 20 bucks. Ouch. DJ offers the only smattering of applause as they finish the first tune.

Later in the night, Jesse's really getting into his performance, even rocking out with one of the feathered band caps, and DJ cuts him off from their finale of "Stars and Stripes Forever" by telling him that they finally found a stereo. DJ asks Kimmy where Kevin is and she goes off to find him, figuring that he was hiding from the horrific band. She finds him in the hall with his two toolish friends drinking beers in the hallway. One of the guys sprays DJ down with a can of beer and Kevin goes to get her some paper towels to clean up.

She seizes the can from the other dorks and proceeds to launch into a lecture of Danny Tanner proportions. She really is her father's daughter. Just as she's holding the beer and mockingly saying how cool it is to drink beer, Jesse comes up behind her. The other boys quickly run off and tell DJ that they're only 13 and don't want any beer. She's confused until Uncle Jesse barks out, "DJ Tanner!" She turns around and realizes what's in her hand and the music before commercial shows that she's totally in deep shit now. Uncle Jesse totally doesn't buy it when DJ says that it was the guys drinking and not her and takes her home.

Back at the house, UgTot is STILL listening to "Baby Beluga"... that is until her tape deck craps out. Bwah! She starts yelling her head off and Joey, Danny and Steph rush in. Joey goes to repair the tape deck until Steph and Danny hold him back. Ug won't stop whining, so the trio launches into another performance of "Baby Beluga." Why must people insist upon catering to a 4 year old?

Jesse and DJ come in arguing, yelling for Danny, and Danny comes down to see what all the fuss is about. Jesse tells him that he caught DJ drinking beer at the dance and DJ protests, saying that she knows drinking is stupid and wrong. Unfortunately for Deej, Danny can smell the beer that was sprayed all over her, and sends her to her room while he talks with Uncle Jesse. She's livid that Danny would take Jesse's side over his own daughter, and tearfully and angrily runs to her room.

Yeah, she smelled like beer, but it was just on her clothes. Why don't one of these guys smell her breath or take into account that she's completely lucid and not inebriated?

DJ throws herself onto her bed crying and furious that the guys didn't believe her. Stephanie comes over and asks what happened and tells DJ that she believes her. Down in the kitchen, Danny is freaking out that drinking is even an issue when DJ's only 13. JEsse and Joey tell him how things are different nowadays, and there are a lot more temptations out there for kids DJ's age. Stephanie comes down and tells the guys that whatever they are accusing DJ of, she didn't do because she was crying, and it wasn't tears of remorse, it was tears of the wrongfully accused. Danny starts to head upstairs to talk to her, but Stephanie informs them that DJ had Mrs. Gibbler pick her up to take her back to the dance to prove her innocence. Jesse takes this as a sign that everything he's saying is right, first DJ lies, then is caught with beer, and now she's sneaking out. Jesse and Danny go to the school to get to the bottom of all of this and Joey offers to stay at home and hold down the fort.

Back at the dance, Dj runs into Kimmy who tells her that Kevin and the other tools were caught with beer and their parents are on their way. Kevin finds DJ and apologizes, and she asks why he even felt the need to drink. He says that he was nervous and the tools told him it would help him loosen up. She says that she had more fun with the old Kevin, and that her father thinks she was drinking. He apologizes again, and his father comes to take him home.

On Kevin's walk out, he runs into Jesse and Danny and stops to tell Danny that it was him and his friends drinking and that DJ was trying to stop them. Jesse asks Danny to wait outside while he goes into talk to DJ and apologize for getting angry and not believing her. He explains the emotions he felt when he saw her with beer in her hand, and she understands that the situation looked bad. He says that as she gets older, she'll be faced with more difficult decisions about not only alcohol but drugs and sex (oo! They said SEX!). He laments that DJ can't stay young and innocent and be safe forever, but he hopes that down the road she'll continue to exercise the same good judgement she used tonight. They walk off together as the inspirational music concludes our very special episode.

"I fascinate you?" or Bye Bye Birdie (3.16)

This episode's annoying intro entails Joey measuring how tall Ug's become. She keeps cheating by standing on her tip toes and yawn. Is this supposed to be "cute" and "funny"? It's just boring. Though my aunt totally used to measure my cousins and sister and I on the inside of their hall closet door. Memories.

The guys and Becky are tucking Michelle into bed, she's all pumped for her first day of pre-school. She wants to go now. They tell her a story about a princess' first day of school. This... isn't storytelling at its finest. Essentially Princess Michelle goes to pre-school, plays with toys, makes some friends, takes a nap, cleans up and comes home. And claims it was the best day ever.

Cue Michelle's dream sequence that involves the 4 adults acting like pre-schoolers. Ha. Danny's rocking a beanie cap, Joey is wearing a horse attached to his pants (? I don't even know), Becky is in pigtails and a sailor dress and Jesse is "Cowboy Jesse" who totally reminds me of Laurence Fishburne's character on Pee Wee's playhouse. Princess Michelle comes out and they sing a song for her and it's freaky looking because they superimposed a blown up clip of Michelle so she's the same height as the others. Weird. And creepy.

Stephanie's bothering DJ who's apparently harboring some juicy gossip. Ug comes in with unbrushed hair and her dress on backwards. DJ laughs at her, and so would I! Stephanie is in their shared room determined to find out what'sagoinon (TM Bret Michaels). She is so nosey that she ends up breaking the lock off of the diary. Jesse knocks on the door and Stephanie hurls the diary under her bed. Comet starts chewing on it, and Jesse surmises that he chewed the lock off. Stephanie thinks her ass is saved.

Danny drops Michelle off at pre-school and introduces her to her teacher, Miss Petri. We are also introduced to Aaron who is completely out of character here as he's toting the sharing crown which he received for being such a good sharer of toys. Aaron shows Michelle Dave, the class bird. The class sits down for story time, all except Michelle who tries to include Dave in on this story time goodness and opens his cage. Dave darts right out of the classroom window like a bat out of hell. Methinks they weren't treating him too well in the class. Aaron tells Michelle she's a bad girl and Miss Petri tries to play it off as an accident. No way Miss P, Ug's a bad seed!

Michelle's tossing out pieces of bread in the backyard calling for Dave. When Danny tells J&J how none of the kids would play with her in pre-school and she just sat in the corner saying "I'm a bad girl", they start wailing for Dave. Danny takes Jesse with him on a mission and instructs Joey to clean up the bread in the yard.

Stephanie is trying to superglue the lock back onto DJ's diary and gets her hand stuck in the process. I don't get why she even bothered doing that. Couldn't she have just said Comet chewed the lock off? She even had Jesse as a witness to back her up. DJ comes into their room and asks her if she wants to go to the mall with her since they haven't hung out in awhile. She'd love to, but can't on account of a diary being glued to her hand. Joey asks if the girls want to go with him and Michelle to get ice cream and Stephanie almost accepts until she again, remembers the diary and then declines.

Jesse and Danny come home with Sammy, a replacement bird for Dave. Michelle is unimpressed and refuses to go back to school. Jesse says it's okay and Danny says no dice. Jesse says he killed his kindergarten fish and has yet to get over the trauma from the aftermath of teasing. Danny tells him that they can't protect Michelle forever and she has to deal with the unpopularity. Bird or no bird, it was bound to happen. Ug sucks.

He uncovers the diary and tells Steph she's in deep shit. He manages to get her unstuck and gets himself stuck to the diary in the process. Just then, DJ walks in and thinks she's caught Joey snooping. She yanks the diary out of his hands and then Joey urges Stephanie to come clean about busting the diary. DJ asks for a moment alone to talk with her sister and says that she can't deal with her snooping, and Steph says she can't help it because she's fascinated by DJ. DJ's too flattered to stay angry and adds that she keeps all of her juicy gossip in her journal.

Danny brings Michelle back to pre-school and introduces them to Sammy. Because they're small children, they're all like "Dave who?" and are instantly smitten with Sammy. The class claps their appreciation and Aaron even gives her the sharing crown. Ug's all, "Daddy I'm the princess of fug" and tells Danny to piss off because she has friends again. He's a little sad to leave, but keeps his cool. We end with everyone gathering around Sammy's cage and Michelle telling the class not to open the cage door. Uh, no shit. Considering you were the one that did it, I'm pretty sure the rest of the class didn't share your lack of commonsense, dumbfug.

"You're the best thing to come into my life since Spray'N'Wash!" or Lust in the Dust (3.15)

Jesse and Joey are working on an ad campaign for sardines. They feel that in order to convey the voice of a sardine, one must become one with the sardine... and chow down. Neither one is willing to (and can you blame them? My dad and sister were all about sardines, but they just gross me out so much! Yecch!) Joey pops on in Jesse's mouth and Jesse says he's going to kill him. They look for Joey's tape recorder which Michelle has hidden, because she's a fugass brat who likes to hide other people's things. Jesse has developed an affinity for sardines and continues chowing down. DJ comes in with the tape recorder which Ug hid in her cereal box.

Just then Danny walks in, he broke off his date with Joan/June/Jane-what's-her-name because one of her earlobes was bigger than the other. Clearly it was a true love connection, if something like that can derail it. Not to mention the fact that the rest of the family can't even remember her name. Brutal.

Karen, Stephanie's dance teacher, drops Steph off at home, saying that it wasn't a problem and it was on her way. Karen is played by the same actress who played Becky's sister Connie. Danny asks Steph what she learned in class today and she says that he still owes Karen a check for her lessons. Bwah! Karen also reminds Stephanie that she learned some killer new dance moves, which she shows off to the musical stylings of Bobby Brown and "My Prerogative." Danny tries to join in and his rhythmically challenged ways are comedy gold. Stamos looks like he's trying to fight back real laughter as he tells him that sometimes grace and coordination skip a generation.

Michelle does some stupid Ug shimmy dance, and Danny and Karen join in doing the modified form of the twist. DJ and Stephanie pick up on the flirtatious vibes between Danny and Karen and scheme to get them together after noting that her earlobes are the same size. They invite her to stay for lunch and the entire family bails so that the two budding lovebirds can be left alone. They light a candle as the finishing touch.

Danny says that he had nothing to do with this set-up but then confesses that he's had a crush on her ever since Stephanie started taking dance classes. Karen then confesses that their house isn't really on her way home. They kiss, and the girls cheer. They decide to turn this into a real date and get some dim sum (yum!). Karen loves dim sum too and Danny says they should get some. He's stoked to get some dim sum and I think that dim sum might be Danny Tanner code for poonanny.

Jesse's searching his room for his keys. Apparently he's the only one in the band who can unlock their rehearsal space. He calls the girls into interrogate them. Both DJ and Steph are clueless, so it's clear that Ug's the culprit. Didn't she already do this hiding shit back when she hid Mr. Bear? Way to recycle an unfunny story line there, writers. She reveals that she hid other items belonging to DJ and Steph (a Milli Vanilli tape and sparkly pen, respectively), and Jesse's growing impatient (and a beard) waiting for Michelle to get around to retrieving his keys.

Meanwhile, Danny and Karen are coming back from their date singing a doo-wop version of "Blue Moon." She invites him into her apartment for some coffee (ie: SEX! Looks like Danny really is going to get sum!) where it's revealed that she's a total slob. Karen weakly says that she's been so busy with work that she hasn't had time to tidy up. And like, chill Danny, we can't all be obsessive compulsive neatfreaks. They sit down to coffee and Danny can't resist the urge to clean up her apartment. He even goes so far as to fold her laundry whilst making out with Karen. If that's not a deal-breaker, I dunno what is. Karen tells him that he needs to hit up over-cleaners anonymous, and so much word. Danny can't get over the mess and says that they don't have so much in common after all and peaces, leaving a forlorn Karen standing in the middle of her messy apartment. My mom would go nuts for this episode, she's constantly telling me no man will put up with my messy apartment. Cockblocked!

Jesse and the girls are still interrogating Michelle about the whereabouts of Jesse's keys. Ug's stubbornly insisting that she had nothing to do with it, and DJ and Steph start to wonder whether or not she actually did take them. Just then, Joey comes in toting more sardines for Jesse and reveals that he left his keys in the door. Jesse can't believe it and apologizes to Michelle. Yawn.

Danny comes home from his date and says he had a nice time but won't be seeing Karen again. DJ and Steph are bummed but confident that they know enough single women to find a love match for Danny. They leave to go make a list and Jesse and Joey aren't done with Danny yet. They follow him into the kitchen and ask what excuse he made up to justify ending this budding relationship. Danny says that she was a slob and launches into a description of his messy apartment. J&J basically tell him to get over himself and stop trying to find the perfect woman because she doesn't exist (um, hello? I'm right here! (I keed, I keed)). They reminds him that even Pam had her flaws, she was always late, but Danny overlooked it because he loved her. J&J manage to convince Danny to go back and give Karen another chance.

He arrives in her apartment and starts apologizing about freaking out over the mess, and then realizes that the apartment is now clean. She tells him that she actually does know how to clean, and says that he was being anal retentive and he really wants to give their relationship another shot. Too bad we're totally never going to see Karen again. Sucks, I actually liked her and Danny together. I don't think any woman other than Caroline, Cindy and Vicki lasted more than an episode as Danny's love interest, and aside from Vicki, the other women I think only got a two-episode arc. Lame. Poor Danny Tanner needed to get laid on a regular basis.

"I lost him! I lost a whole Beach Boy!" or Our Very First Telethon (3.24)

Everyone pop some corn and get your checkbooks ready, it's time for the We [Heart] Our Children Telethon '90!

We kick it off with some more of Joey's crappy stand-up which he uses as a bizarre segue into a magic trick. I find this ironic because I seem to recall an episode where Joey dissed magicians, but whatever, we already know Joey's a douche. His trick consists of putting Becky into one of those boxes and cutting her into thirds. Apparently magic tricks (or "Illusions" as Gob would say on "Arrested Developmet") are a little more difficult than Mr. Gladstone thought, because he can't complete the trick and leaves Becky stuck in the box.

Becky starts getting pissed because she's supposed to be a part of the next act, singing a duet with Danny. For some reason, they can't shake up their set list, so the music begins and Danny comes out and begins singing with Becky while Joey furiously works to release her. They warble through some ballad about what they'd do for love, all the while with Becky shooting some verbal barbs at Danny and like, what is she pissed at him for? Yeah, you're stuck in a box and that sucks, but why is that Danny's fault? He's just trying to keep the show rolling. Eventually Becky is released for the final notes of the song.

Time elapses and everyone else gets to go home and get some rest except for Danny. Apparently he's the predominant host and they don't have anyone to relieve him for a few hours. Danny finally succumbs to fatigue and passes out. By this time the rest of the Tanner clan have made their way back to the telethon studio and do their best to fill the void left by an unconscious Danny. Seriously though, it's only 24 hours... you're not that old Danny, and it's not that hard to go 24 hrs straight, but whatever.

Jesse sings with Michelle and then she performs the alphabet and naturally the producer of the telethon is less than thrilled with this display of "talent." Jesse and Joey take over hosting duties and like, where the eff is Becky? I know she went home to sleep, but I was under the impression this was a WUSF thing, so why don't they make her ass cover for Danny for a while? Or why didn't they work it out that they hosted the telethon in shifts with minor overlap so that they could each share equal parts hosting with equal resting time?

Stephanie then does a wicked badass, and very 1990 dance to "Love Shack." The guys ask D.J. to sing some song that she always does for Michelle. They get her a shopping cart and oversized lollipop from somewhere and she serenades Michelle with a song about lollipops and gummi bears and are you sure they didn't plan this? Joey takes the microphone and starts engaging in a horrific Steven Tyler impersonation. Thankfully, Jesse stops him before he completely butchers "Janie's Got a Gun."

The get a call from someone who is willing to pledge $200 if she can see Kimmy Gibbler ride her unicycle to "Saber Dance (in G)". Jesse attempts to deny the request by saying that unfortunately, Kimmy and her unicycle are nowhere to be found, but he's interrupted by Kimmy riding out from backstage on said unicycle. She yells out "Thanks Mom!" and circles the stage. The circus music and mobile Gibbler is enough to finally stir Danny from his 4 hour slumber.

Mike Love of the Beach Boys shows up and agrees to perform "Be True to Your School" on the condition that they bring the cheerleaders over to flank him and shake their pom pom's, if ya know what I mean. Jesse always has to be center of attention and engages in an excessively long drum solo. The song is enough to put the grand total from the telethon over the $1 million mark and Danny is elated. Aren't we all?

"In Illinois, we used to roast weenies and burp tupperware!" or Fraternity Reunion (3.23)

Danny and Joey are getting geared up for their fraternity reunion and are doing so by singing their frat song. Jesse, the only true Greek in the house, comes into the kitchen after being tagged on his motorcycle by a hot pink spray-paint wielding vandal. He's got a pink stripe running down his helmet as well as the back of his leather jacket. Man, that sucks, I bet that shit was expensive.

Danny and Joey provide a little exposition as they explain how back in the day, Danny disgraced the fraternity by allowing their rival sorority to steal their mascot, a seal. I'm surprised that Danny's invite didn't get lost in the mail. Joey and Danny plot to steal the seal back to get back in the good graces.

Meanwhile, Kimmy and D.J. are doing their homework and need to watch the news to do so. Unfort, they also "need" to watch MTV, what are they to do? They decide to carry the really heavy, large television up to D.J. and Stephanie's room, rather than transport their much smaller television down to the living room. I think we all know where this is headed. While balancing the television atop the railing, Kimmy's shit gets caught underneath, and when she yanks it free, the poor television goes toppling down to the floor and smashes.

The guys hear the commotion and come a-running. Apparently, Danny feels as strongly about the almighty T.V. as I do, and flips a shit. He blames Kimmy for all of the mischief D.J. finds herself into and banishes her from the Tanner home. Harsh!

Later D.J. and Stephanie are at the kitchen table and do some weird sort of "Stomp"-esque routine involving plastic cups and clapping and whatnots, and it's pretty impressive, albeit completely random.

Danny and Joey leave, dressed in drag, preparing to infiltrate the rival sorority. Their cover story is that they're from one of the midwest chapters, you know, because they're homely [To any of my readers who may be from the midwest, I keed I keed! Three of my best friends are from Wisconsin! Save the hate mail.] They see the seal, and it's such a ghetto stuffed animal, I can't even believe that that's their precious mascot. I had stuffed animal seals when I was a kid that were way better than that mess.

A lecherous waiter who kind of resembles Stephen King hits on Danny. Danny is understandably creeped out and Joey tells him to not settle for less than a doctor. As a waitress who serves many doctors who prove on a nightly basis that money can't buy class, I speak for all of my fellow servers when I say, Blow it out your ass, Gladstone! For some unexplained reason, this group of 30-something sorority hags decide to have a limbo contest. And because Joey's a total idiot, he declares himself a "limbo bimbo" and proceeds to go down low and lose his wig in the process. Busted!

Danny grabs the seal and they try to make a break for it, passing it back and forth, pursued by the sorority hags until they are finally tackled and tickled down to the ground. They come up handcuffed and think it's a joke, but it turns out one of the hags is actually a cop. Double busted for grand theft seal! The icing on the cake, the waiter comes back and snatches his number away from Danny calling him a tease. Bwah!

Down at the precint, Danny and Joey are being tormented and asked if they're there for a "fashion violation." The guys didn't bring any money in their purses and are unable to make bail, and the sorority hag cop is being a total C-U-next-Tuesday about the whole mess. Bitch, get over yourself. I hate sorority ho's [again, no offense to my possible sorority girl readers, but I've never met one I've jived with].

Danny uses his phone call to call D.J. and tells her to get his checkbook from his room and call Becky or Claire to come bail him out. D.J., who was supposed to be teaching UgTot Patty Cake, leaves her in the lurch. I laugh at Michelle's unhappiness.

Danny returns to the cell that's full of menacing looking thugs who just happen to be huge fans of WUSF and Danny! Ha! Danny Tanner has a huge prison following. I don't know why that makes me so happy, but it does.

Kimmy is at the Tanner's. Stephanie begins to protest that she's been banned, but D.J. called her to come baby-sit the girls while she goes down to bail Danny out of jail. Becky and Grandma were nowhere to be found and wow, way to be great emergency contacts when a 13 year old girl is alone baby-sitting her little sisters. Hey... where the hell is Jesse? D.J. calls a cab to go down to the clink, leaving Kimmy to teach Michelle patty-cake. Dammit. Why does she always get her way?

In Danny and Joey's cell, the thugs are performing a rousing rendition of "New York, New York" complete with a dance routine! Bravo! Bravo! Encore. D.J. comes in and then sorority hag cop bitch snatch face finally decides to drop the charges. About fucking time. Nevermind the fact that you forced a 13 year old girl to take a cab unaccompanied just so you could win your petty pissing contest. What a wench. Why don't you clean some of the sand out of your vagina? Man sobriety is taking it's toll on my tolerance of annoying fictional television characters...

Danny, Joey and D.J. come home, the guys still in drag, and are met with shocked expressions from the girls and this awesome dialogue:
Michelle: "Daddy, you're a girl!"
Stephanie: "No. He's a woman."
Kimmy: "An UGLY woman!"

Pure brilliance. Danny doesn't lay into Kimmy when he realizes that she covered his ass and Stephanie even vouches for her as being a great baby-sitter. She even hugs her goodnight. Before you become baffled by this display of utter character inconsistency, Stephanie catches herself and can't believe she hugged Kimmy. Danny's feeling generous and reduces Kimmy's banishment to one week.

Danny then turns on Joey and blames him for all of the trouble they got into that night because self-responsibility isn't a fave pastime of Danno's. D.J. points out the parallels of their friendship and D.J. and Kimmy's and how even though Kimmy and Joey often find themselves in mischief, they make their lives more exciting. They hug it out (Man Love!).

Jesse comes in from a motorcycle ride through nature (oh, so THAT'S where he was) and Danny is now in man clothes but missed one of the pearl earrings, which Jesse totally bags him on after a lengthy rant. Busted! Again! This is like the 4th time tonight! Tough night all around for the Tall Geeky Giant.

"Who wanted to talk to him?" or Three Men and Another Baby (3.22)

Sobriety has like restored my energy. Who knew that by not drinking I could wake up before noon? Plus, I've been working on a bunch of new art projects... damn, why didn't I cut back on boozing sooner? Plus, now I can do more blogging!

Another nauseating UgTot-centric opening. This time it's Joey betting Michelle a kiss that he can make a flower dance. It's one of those dancing flowers that move when you play music or make noise near them. Naturally he wins the bet and goes to collect his kiss. Ew.

Danny meanwhile, is in the kitchen unaware of the budding pedophilia transpiring in the living room. Apparently it's Friday, which is "Mop 'til you Drop" day and Danny has managed to mop himself into a corner. He's sitting atop the kitchen counter.

Comet's being a bad puppy and is in desperate need of some obedience school. The neighbors need the Tanner's to baby-sit their son Tony, and it looks like the same parents that D.J. sat for when she was trying to earn money for her own phone. Becky is cooking dinner for the family, which should be interesting. Even though Danny was the one who agreed to sit for Tony, he leaves to take Comet to obedience school, saddling Jesse & Joey with the task of baby-sitting. I was about to argue about how unfair that was, until I remembered that J&J are mooches living under Danny's roof. If he needs them to scrub the skidmarks out of his undies, they better do it and do it with a smile. Not that Danny Tanner ever has skidmarks in his underwear, Danny Tanner knows how to wipe!

Joey goes to help D.J. with her math homework, leaving Jesse and Becky to look after Tony. Helping with D.J.'s homework is a lot like when I help my BFF do his math homework; I pretty much do it all while he talks on the phone to Kimmy Gibbler. It's some word problem about nuts (Hee!)

Baby Tony, meanwhile, has taken an immediate liking to Uncle Jesse. They put him down for a nap in Michelle's old crib and Jesse serenades him with "Goodnight My Love," a lullaby formerly popularized during Michelle's bedtimes. UgTot is getting totally depressed and emo about being neglected by Jesse and my heart swells with glee. Sad Michelle=Happy Milkman.

Becky's cooking something fierce for dinner, some sort of spicy chicken and pasta dish.

And now Michelle's annoying levels skyrocket off of the charts. She starts acting like a (bigger) baby to try and get attention from Jesse. Seriously, I can't even get into all of the annoying shit that she does because my Michelle hatred knows no bounds in this episode. Becky suggests that Jesse try to reward her for "big girl behavior" and I say, why not just punish the little ho?

Joey attempted to answer the word problem by calling the nut store (Hee! Also, are there strictly nut stores? I've never seen like a nut emporium...) He comes to D.J. thinking he's got everything figured out, but she already got the answer by calling her school's Homework Hotline for help. Luckily for Joey, she's got a whole 'nother set of word problems for Joey to do, instructing him to make sure to show all of his work.

Jesse goes to D.J. and Steph for suggestions of big girl rewards for their horribly fugly bratty sister, and they attempt to give away one another's toys. D.J. tries to sell her on Mr. Bear, whereas Stephanie campaigns for Michelle to select D.J.'s Pillow Person. We can all tell that Stephanie's about to get the short end of this deal because Mr. Bear is the shit, and who the fuck would want a crappy Pillow Person? Poor Stephanie, obviously Michelle takes Mr. Bear and how can they even ask her to part with him especially after the time Michelle hid him and Stephanie was totally distraught.

UgTot continues to act like a complete and total shithead baby. Stephanie calls shenanigans on the whole ordeal and insists that Mr. Bear be returned because Michelle isn't upholding her part of the deal of being a big girl. She refuses. HATE! How is it possible to hate a fictional toddler so fucking much?

Danny comes home with Comet from obedience school and is notified of the Michelle issue. He tells them that they just need to talk to her like a big girl. Yeah right, Danny, like that idiot would understand. Michelle whines that Jesse "likes Tony better than [her]" and it's just like, well yeah duh, who wouldn't? Jesse has a stupid talk about being a big girl with Ug and there's giggles, kisses and hugs and I just died a little on the inside. Finally, Michelle returns Mr. Bear to Stephanie and for some reason, Stephanie's all thankful and says "Oh Michelle, I love you so much." Whatever. That little shit was going to keep him! If I was Steph I would have just marched in there and seized Mr. Bear back. Look how much bigger you are than her! Those Olsen's must have worked some voodoo on the writers to have this kind of bullshit dialogue.

Ug exclaims "Everybody loves me!" and like fucking really? Really? More like nobody loves you. God, that's annoying. Michelle and Tony are lyk super kewl BFFs now, and man, Tony's a chubby baby.

"I'm in the house and I'm still in the car" or Honey I Broke the House (3.20)

To complete my hat trick for this truly Super Tuesday, I leave you with my pal Lisa's favorite FH episode, the one where Stephanie crashes the car into the house. Enjoy.

Joey's playing wiffleball in the backyard with UgTot who's moronic ass doesn't know how to run the bases. Joey tells her to run home and she runs inside the house. Stupid ass. I hate lame puns. You've just cheapened the entire experience of this episode for me, writers! Thanks a lot!

D.J. is up in her room doing homework with Kimmy, sharing headphones and listening to Milli Vanilli. They break into occasional bursts of "Blame it on the rain, yeah-ee-yeah!" Stephanie comes in wanting to play a game with the girls. She gets rebuffed and makes a few more desperate pleas for attention from D.J. and Kimmy, and eventually gives up. She tries her luck with Danny and Becky, but they are too busy working on their next episode of WUSF. She finds Jesse and tries to tell him a story about her day, but he's already heard it.

Now scoring 0-3, Stephanie goes to her last resort, Joey. He's out back working on his brand new used car, Rosie. He notices that Rosie has a knick in the paint and asks Stephanie to watch over the car while he runs to the store for some touch-up paint.

Stephanie sits inside the car and is playing pretend driver, and decides that she wants to listen to some music while she's in there. So, she turns the car on. Because Stephanie's apparently afflicted with the same brand of stupid that Michelle is, she thinks that the R standing for reverse means radio. Um, okay. You know I love me some Steph, but seriously? She's like 8 and doesn't know that the radio is controlled by the dials in the middle console.

Time for my (not so) random segue of the recap!: This kind of reminds me of a story that happened between two of my co-workers a week or two ago. We'll call them Scuba and Chops. Scuba moved into Chops' house and after about a week, it was clear that it was a bad idea. They sometimes get along but more often than not, annoy the piss out of each other. But, Scuba and Chops went out to eat and drink at our neighboring restaurant. And although Chops hadn't had all that much to drink, he has a pretty well-documented history of drug use. Anyway, so Chops has a few drinks and gets himself to the point of passing out onto the table in this fine dining restaurant. This type of behavior can get us fired, so Scuba was kind enough to pick Chops up and carry him out to his car to wait while Scuba and his ladyfriend finished their meals and drinks [Side note: Chops doesn't have a car of his own]. Before he left, Chops asked Scuba to turn the radio on in the car. And because Scuba is a moron, he did and left Chops in the car, drunk almost to the point of unconsciousness, along with his keys in the ignition. He went back into the restaurant and when he came back out, obviously his car was gone, taken by the drunken madman. And because Scuba is really the biggest idiot ever, he proceeded to call a cab, NOT call the cops on his drunk roommate joyriding in his car around town, and got drunk in our bar whilst waiting for the cab. He never even yelled at Chops for this incident. He is like the biggest pussy ever.

Anyway so Stephanie puts the car into reverse and backs it through the kitchen window. Maybe it's different in older cars, but in every car I've ever driven you need to push down the brake pedal to change gears, and there's no way Stephanie would have been able to reach the pedal and hold it down while shifting. But, again, I'm kind of cranky and might be nitpicky and certainly don't have a vast knowledge of the mechanics of an older automobile.

D.J. and Kimmy are still doing homework but are now listening to and singing Paula Abdul's "Straight Up Now Tell Me" (is it gonna be you and me forever? Oh oh oh!)(Sorry, I totally used to rock out to "Shut Up and Dance"). Michelle tells D.J. that there's a car in the house but because Michelle's an idiot, D.J. gives her the brush-off. Stephanie packs a suitcase and we hear a horn honk, it's her ride to dance class.

Later, D.J. and Kimmy venture down to the kitchen for a snack and finally see the car. Their reaction? "Whoa baby!" D.J. asks how Joey's car got into the kitchen and Michelle answers, "Through the window." I almost laugh. Almost. Jesse comes in carrying groceries that obscure his vision, but when he sees the car he says (what else?) "Have mercy!"

Danny comes home through the front door and calls out "Where is everybody?" Kimmy, forever the queen of tact and finesse quips, "In your new garage!" Danny comes in and despite the initial shock, he makes sure that everyone is uninjured and I've got to say, he's taking it fairly well. I mean, there's a freaking car in his kitchen! Finally he asks where Joey is.

Becky is in her apartment and there's a knock on the door. It's Stephanie. She had her carpool drop her off so that she could say goodbye. Stephanie doesn't get a chance to explain what she did that's causing her to run away because then Jesse arrives at the door. He's bearing roses and an apology for being a douche earlier about Becky having lunch with some guy. Stephanie hides in the closet and Jesse thinks it's that McIntire guy that Becky was supposed to go out with. He pulls open the door to reveal Stephanie hiding in a large trench coat that's hanging on the door. He asks what she's doing here and she again goes for the cheap pun of "Just hanging around." Man, the writers didn't really work their brains too hard with this episode, did they? She tells Jesse and Becky about crashing the car into the house and they convince her to go home and face Danny.

Back at the Tanner's Joey comes home with his touch-up paint, completely oblivious to the new location of his precious Rosie. Thankfully he's met by UgTot with one of her obnoxious trademarked catchphrases: "You're in big trouble, mister." Somebody slap her! Stephanie comes home and confesses to everyone what she did and apologizes profusely. The irony of the situation? Joey reveals that the radio didn't even work! Ha! I'll forgive the writer's for those cheap jokes earlier for that delicious plot twist.

Stephanie launches into a long self-deprecating speech about hating herself and banishing herself under her covers until she's married. Danny gently points out that she may have some difficulty finding a spouse under there. She acknowledges that she's in for a big time punishment because she wrecked Joey's car and broke the house. Danny tells her that even though she will be punished, the car and the house can be fixed but there's only one Stephanie Judith Tanner and she can't ever be replaced and that's something he thinks about every day. Stephanie tells her Dad that she loves him and we close on a warm fuzzy home with a gaping hole that will be fixed by the next episode and never heard from again.

"What's a hug compared to the joy of opening one's wallet?" or Those Better Not Be the Days (3.19)

This is hands down one of my favorite FH episodes only for the amazing dream sequence of what the Tanner household would be in the future if the girls remain selfish brats... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

We kick off with another creepy Jesse and Michelle segment. He's attempting to teach her her left from her right in a "hilarious" dialogue that's attempting to achieve a "Who's on first?" type of humor. It doesn't work. Not that "Who's on first?" is all that funny anyway, but maybe I'm just a cynic.

D.J. and Stephanie barge in in a cloud of brattiness, getting ready to go to the amusement park with the Gibbler's. D.J. apparently demanded that Danny clean and press her sweater, but upon receiving it, she crams it into her backpack. Joey got Stephanie's camera ready for the day, loaded with a brand new roll of film, and at the last moment she decides not to bring it. Jesse comes into the room with a map of the park with all of the best attractions mapped out for them. The girls only have one ride in mind and Jesse sadly crumbles the map he spent all day marking up for them. I'm already seething at the girls' selfish brattiness, and it bothers me because they never normally act like this. It's totally inconsistent to their characters. MICHELLE is the brat! Come on, people!

Unfortunately it's raining, so the amusement park is a no-go. Kimmy managed to piss of her parents and has been grounded to the Tanner's house. If I didn't enjoy Kimmy's presence, I'd comment on the ballsiness of the Gibblers, but whatevs.

Jesse and Becky had planned to have a romantic picnic, but the rain forced them to relocate to inside. Jesse tries to suggest moving the picnic to Becky's apartment, but Stephanie butts in and tells them to have it here. And better yet, do it in her room and she'll join them! I think one of my biggest beefs with this show is the fact that these grown ass men bend to every whim of some bratty kids. I mean, hello? You're an adult, fucking act like it. I'll be damned if I ever let a snot-nosed brat control my life. I mean, yeah, when you have kids they're a priority, but you still need to be the one laying down the law and setting the rules. No way my kids will be running around all willy nilly and interrupting my sexytime picnics! No way, no how.

D.J. then turns to Danny and demands that he bring her and Kimmy to the movies. Instead of calling her on her rudeness then and there, he agrees and then complains about it later. As much as I do agree that the girls are being total bitches, the guys act like spineless pussies and just take all of their abuse. Again, see above sentiment and assert yourself as the fucking adult in this situation. Sorry for the rant, but I just hate ineffective parenting. Maybe I'll sing a different tune when I have kids myself, but most likely not. I'll always be the HBIC (TM New York).

Joey gets off easy playing hide and seek with Michelle. I say easy only because there's less demanding due to limited vocabulary, but he does have to look at her ugly mug, which is punishment enough. Danny returns with D.J. and Kimmy who are chastising him for the movie being sold out. They blame it on his slow driving. And he just takes it. Seriously Danny! Grow a pair! Jesse and Becky come down from their picnic in Stephanie's room, where Stephanie apparently ate all of the caviar. Becky tells her that she's glad she enjoyed it and then turns to Danny and tells him straight up that he owes her $200 for it. Haha, rule with an iron fist, Beck-a-tron! The girls demand to be taken to the ice rink to go skating and leave to find their skates without awaiting a reply.

The guys sink down into the kitchen chairs and complain about how selfish the girls are acting and how they've heard nothing but demands all afternoon without so much as a single "please" or "thank you." They come up with the brilliant idea to play role reversal and let the girls act as the parents and they will take their turn in acting like selfish brats. Um, whatever floats your boat I guess. I'm all for raising voices and harsh disciplinarian action! Punish dem ho's! The girls come in with all of their skating gear, ready to go when Danny springs this new idea for a game to them. They're excited to exercise their newfound authority and do so by first ordering the guy's to clean their rooms before watching television. Jesse and Joey grumble, but Danny smirks because naturally his room's already immaculate.

It's lunchtime and the guys sit and wait for the girls to prepare their lunches for them. They act like fussy brats and reject their sandwiches and make the process of pouring drinks quite difficult. Not quite grasping the parallels of their bratty behavior, D.J. gets fed up and sends them all to their room. Jesse's miffed, "Oh great game Danny. Now we're being punished." Jesse and Danny sneak down to Joey's room and he freaks out, worrying about the trouble they'll get into if the girls discover them. Danny laments that his plan has backfired and the girls haven't been taught anything by this experiment. The guys then imagine how life would be if the girls continue down this path and are still living at home. And thus begins the most awesome dream sequence ever.

Somehow, in his older years, Danny adopted Judaism right down to the Yiddish accent. Oh...kay. He's toting a dustbuster and I'm happy to report that he's still a lean mean cleaning machine. Not quite as lean is Joey, who is a total fatass with a mustache. Jesse is wearing his jungle jammies and rocking a fierce mullet toupe. Becky comes in sporting a massive badonkadonk booty. Jesse attempts to unleash his catchphrase, but can't get past, "Have..." Danny suggests "...a nice bowl of Cream of Wheat?" Rebecca, fed up, yells, "Have MERCY, you old poop!" Jesse stubbornly insists that that's not it, and finally settles on "Have... pity?" Becky boasts that her main squeeze Jess is the world's oldest Elvis impersonator. I'd believe it. Jesse accuses the guys of checking out Becky to which Yiddish Danny awesomely replies, "Where am I supposed to look? Your woman is EVERYWHERE!"

The girls start yelling for their breakfast and the guys tray it up and deliver it to them upstairs. The girls are still brats, and Kimmy Gibbler pops in for a visit. She's now superhot and the guys nearly fall over themselves when they see her. Adult Michelle is possibly borderline retarded, and coincidentally is played by Dave Coulier's real-life spouse of 2 years, Jayne Modean. Danny says, "She was so smart when she was 3..." Man, I love this bit. I literally laugh my ass off at the guys as old men. The girls make their demands and take off and the guys tumble onto one of the beds fighting and you can just tell that they were having a great time shooting this scene.

Back to reality, Danny says that they can all learn a lot from that story. Joey: "Yeah, I'm going to start being a lot nicer to Kimmy Gibbler." Heh. Lech. The girls bust the guys down in Joey's room and as they launch into a lengthy lecture, the logistics of the experiment and the parallels of their behavior dawns on D.J. The girls apologize for being selfish brats and vow to stop taking the guys for granted. Lesson learned.

"I know, but this is a show people I know watch!" or Mr. Egghead (3.18)

Thanks for the awesome feedback re: Spin the Bottle. I have the night off of work so I'm expecting to crank out a few recaps for your viewing pleasure today/tonight.

We open with what some may construe as a "cute" Michelle moment. Unfortunately, I blacked out from my repulsion and am unable to recap what happened here. I'm quite sure that none of you will be upset about that considering that Michelle's annoyance is totally dominating the polls.

Stephanie meanwhile, asks Uncle Jesse to help her practice taking pictures for her class photo. Apparently last year she wa caught mid-sneeze and was labeled "Sneezeburger" by her peers. And I have to ask, what is with all of these San Francisco kids using "burger" at the end of every insult? UgTot fugs her way into the room and brats, "Are you having fun without me?" Ho, every moment you're far away from me is a barrel of fun.

D.J. and Danny come in, Danny outraged by the fact that he received a ticket on their drive home. Apparently he was in a right turn only lane but the sign was obscured by an overgrown bush (Hee! Dirty!). D.J. is Danny's witness to the lack of sign visibility and offers to come to court with him to fight the ticket, especially if he can do it the same day as her big test. In lighter news... I guess, Danny got Joey an audition for the children's show, "Mr. Egghead." D.J. wisely questions Joey's abilities to fill the shoes of the old Mr. Egghead and doubts his knowledge of science. I'm sure this, like many other of Joey's hidden talents, will be completely glossed over. Joey begs and eventually recruits Jesse to be his musical sidekick, The Professor.

Danny preps D.J. for their court appearance and instructs her to wear all blue, because studies have proven that juries are sympathetic to the color. Um, hate to burst your legal bubble Dan-O, but they don't really summon a jury for a minor traffic infraction. Stephanie is bouncing off the walls with excitement about her upcoming week: Wednesday her class gets to visit the set of the Mr. Egghead show, Thursday is class picture day and Friday is pizza day. Hey, I'm with you Steph. That sounds like a bombass week.

And it's apparently Wednesday because here were are on "Mr. Egghead." And Walter, you remember Walter, don't you? A.K.A. "Ducklips"? Well since we last saw him, Ducklips Walter went from shy quiet dork to a loud annoying know-it-all. The topic of the day on "Mr. Egghead" is Energy. Joey, and his lack of qualifications tells us that energy is the ability to do work and can be found all around us in things like the sun, muscles and man, what a snoozefest. Joey is certainly no Bill Nye or even Beakman.

Joey points out that there's even energy in Walter who poses the question of how the speed of light is calculated in a black hole. The hell? What kind of little kid asks that shit? Dork! I might even go so far as to invoke the sacred nomenclature "Dorkus Malorkus." Joey redirects the question to the Professor who provides this excellent response: "Walter, I'm going to tell you what my Dad told me: look it up!" Ha! Zing! Man, Jesse does look 10x foxier in his spectacles.

Joey selects Stephanie to assist them in today's "egg-speriment." Walter's annoying ass informs everyone that Stephanie and Mr. Egghead live together and call shenanigans on this mess. The class begins a chant of "Fix!" which Jesse exacerbates by joining in with the musical accompaniment in the form of baseball's "Charge!" theme. Joey chastises him for "egging" them on. The machinery required for the experiment isn't working and Walter talks more shit and Jesse suggests that he show himself to the "Egg-xit." Man, I can't wait til we're done with these egg puns.

As Joey attempts to fix the energy machine, Stephanie entertains the "crowd" (as this is merely an audition and aside from her classmates, there's no audience watching) with a rousing rendition of "Tomorrow." As she's warbling, the machine springs to life and the boxing glove hurls forward catching Stephanie right in the nose. It's pretty funny, but I can't help but wish it was Michelle getting smacked in the face.

Joey and Jesse bring Stephanie home from the hospital and she just has a little bandage on her nose. Of course Stephanie laments that picture day is ruined and Joey is ridden with guilt. He tries to compensate with a plethora of gifts and Joey is shitting his pants in fear of telling Danny that he broke Stephanie's nose. Relax Joe, it's not his firstborn of his precious princess, it's his forgotten middle child. I'm sure he won't mind all that much.

Unfortunately for Joe Schmoe, Danny comes back in a less than stellar mood. While he was arguing his ticket, his car got towed. It ended up costing him $100 to beat a $30 ticket. To brighten things up, Danny asks Joey how his Mr. Egghead audition went. Joey tells him that he was fired and booed off the stage. Um, can you really be fired from an audition? It's not like you actually had the job... Joey dodges around the reasoning but naturally, UgTot is there to pipe in with, "Joey broke Steffy's nose!" Danny rushes off to check on Stephanie, and Joey follows, still trying to buy her forgiveness. She asks for a big screen television, which D.J. fully supports.

The next day is the epic class picture day and after leaving for school, Stephanie then sneaks back into the house. Michelle finds her, but since she is an easily manipulated idiot toddler, Stephanie gets her to go make her a sandwich and bring it to her upstairs. Unfortunately, stealth is not part of Ug's repertoire and Joey busts her. He follows her upstairs and finds Stephanie and allows himself to be guilted into letting her stay home. Jesse, not being the one who busted the poor child's nose, is a little tougher to crack and insists that she return to school.

He brings her to school and they are met by Joey who arrived earlier to provide the entire glass with those joke glasses with the nose and mustache attached. They take a photo with everyone wearing the glasses and then do one without. And honestly, it's just a small bandage! She doesn't even look that bad. But I mean, it IS elementary school and kids are totally callous douchebags and Stephanie's my favorite, so I'll let this whole incident slide.

"Oh ho, there's that ketchup bottle I was looking for!" or 13 Candles (3.17)

It's 3:47 AM and D.J. is awake and counting down the seconds to 3:48. And in 3...2...1, our little Donna Joe is officially a teenager. Stephanie is also being kept awake in her bed and is less than thrilled about this milestone.

And just like that, opening credits and D.J.'s rocking 13th birthday bash is in full swing! "My Prerogative" is playing on the the boom box and man, do I love me some old school Bobby Brown. "Everybody's talking all this stuff about me/Why can't they just let me be?" Ugh, didn't Shitney Spears do a cover of that a few years back? Anyway, D.J. is anxiously awaiting the arrival of her crush Kevin Gwinn who is uber cute. That was totally the kind of guy I'd be crushing on in middle school.

Stephanie, the uber snoop, is in the kitchen and desperate to know what's going on in the party. She sends UgTot in on a recon mission to take pictures. D.J. steers her right back into the kitchen and is met with a rousing rendition of "13 Candles" by the guys. Hee. On my 16th birthday one of my tone deaf friends called and left a message on my machine of her singing "16 Candles" in her horrible scratching, warbly voice. A year later she stole my boyfriend and I now hate the bitch, but I look back on that message fondly. D.J. tells Stephanie to get a life and she boasts that she has a date with Joey to the Daffy Duck Festival and pizza. Methinks you should keep that one on the DL, Steph.

D.J. allows the family brief entry into the party to say a quick "Hi" and "Bye" to everyone. As they're being shoved back through the door into the kitchen, Stephanie turns back around and calls out "Bye Kevin!" and when he answers, triumphantly yells, "That's him!" Oof, tres embarassing. Thankfully for Deej, either Kevin's kind of dim or he likes her too, because he doesn't really react.

For some reason, Michelle is dancing in her room with an oversized stuffed Bugs Bunny. Oh... kay. Jesse comes in to be a lecherous uncle and Comet follows. He takes a momentary pause in creeping to make a brief attempt to train Comet and *YAWN* I'm over this scene.

Downstairs, Kimmy is plotting with Cathy Santoni (aka Z.Z. Ziff from "Salute Your Shorts", props to colleenn on that!) on the best way to get the painfully shy D.J. and Kevin together.

Becky is attempting to give Danny a Tango lesson for WUSF upstairs, and Danny's sucking hardcore, so Jesse steps in to show him how it's done. He kicks ass and even adds a little "Tiene mercy" which made me chuckle. Hey! Maybe Stamos should be on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars"! Or is he too good for it now that he's gotten a second wind in the form of "E.R."? Joey joins them and the guys discover that they can eavesdrop on the party through the fireplace in Danny's room. Becky tries to dissuade them, but you know how those guys love being involved to an inappropriate degree in those girls' lives.

Kimmy and Cathy came up with the most obvious and contrived way to get two young pre-teens together: Spin the Bottle! All of the guys simultaneously smack their heads on the top of the fireplace upon hearing that, and are met with a "Serves you right" courtesy of Becky.

Pardon me while I dive off on another one of my tangents that I'm sure all 5 of my readers love! Did anyone ever actually play Spin the Bottle in middle school (or ever)? Because I never did and I was just wondering if I missed out on one of the major rites of passage or was the prevalence of this game heavily exaggerated via television and movies? My lack of StB experience haunts me to this day, I actually feel like I'm kind of missing out on something. In college, I would try to jokingly suggest it as a game at parties hoping that someone else would jump on the idea so I could fulfill this great void in my life, but to no avail. I had to settle with random bar makeouts instead (Makeout Bandit!). So yeah, hit me up comment-style if you guys actually played this and I'm just a total freak who was living under a rock for most of my childhood, or was StB more of an urban legend? And if you did play it, was it totally awesome?!?

Back to the Tanner's living room where the ketchup bottle's a-spinning. Kimmy and Bitterman are the first two to pair off and despite their initial "Ew"'s, after the kiss, there's a newfound electricity between them. Man, I loved the Kimmy-Bitterman dynamic, I was a total 'shipper for them, through and through. Don't get me wrong, in the later episodes, I loved me some Duane ("...whatever."), but how sweet would it have been if they kept bringing Bitterman back through the years? Cathy then urges Kevin to go next while a saxophone version of Madonna's "Crazy for You" plays. All of the party-goers rig it so Kevin gets D.J. and as they stand face to face, nervous as hell and most likely with sweaty palms, and they move in when suddenly all of the guys barge into the room.

Danny flips the light switch back on, Joey starts tossing out peanuts and popcorn and Jesse comes in carrying cassette tapes of "Uncle J's fast dancing, no touching music." Danny snags the ketchup bottle and Jesse tries to start up some dancing claiming that the kids will "have fun fun fun til your Daddy takes the ketchup bottle away!" Kevin is obviously flustered and embarassed and might even possibly have a boner... boys start getting random pop-ups at 13, right? He books it out of there and D.J. is PISSED. She snaps at Kimmy for her stupid suggestion and yells at the guys for ruining her birthday. She storms upstairs to her room and the guys finally get that they fucked shit up. Thankfully Becky is willing to do damage control and goes up to talk to D.J.

The guys sit down at the kitchen table and realize what tools they were acting like. They reminisce about their first kisses: Jesse's was Diane van Sant and Joey and Danny simultaneously reveal that theirs was Colleen Finegan. Unfortunately it is revealed that Danny got Joey's sloppy seconds because he kissed Colleen in 8th grade and Joey had already been there, done that in 7th.

D.J. won't open the door on the first knock, so Becky calls out,"Can I have 5 bucks?" The misdirection tactic works ad D.J.'s confusion and outrage over the request leads her to open the door. They talk about first kisses and how you know it's the right time, and Becky tells the story of her first kiss: she was competing in a 3-legged race and her and her partner fell down and bumped heads and then he kissed her. Aw, that's a pretty cute story. My first kiss story is l-a-m-e. D.J. hopes that her first kiss is as awesome as Becky's. Man, I wish mine was. I'm jealous.

D.J. goes downstairs to apologize to Kimmy and the guys because even though they fucked up, their hearts were in the right place. Is there ever a time on this show when someone's heart is in the wrong place though, really? Maybe Michelle, because she was always a self-serving brat. There's a knock at the back door. The tween girl inside of me's heart skips a beat when they open the door and it's Kevin! Squee! He came back to give D.J. her birthday card that he forgot.

She walks Kevin out and casually mentions that Kimmy thinks that the two of them would make the perfect couple. Because this is a television show, Kevin awesomely and cutely replies that "She can't be wrong all the time." Aww. Young love. They kiss and aww, to be young again. When a kiss meant something and you weren't constantly competing with whores that will fuck and suck anything that moves... um, not like I know any girls like that. This episode made me uber nostalgic for that romantic innocence of yore. I hope it gave all of you those same warm fuzzy feelings when you watched.

"Whoa, whoa whoa. Your beef's with me, not the King!" or Misadventures in Babysitting (3.14)

D.J.'s on the phone with (who else?) Kimmy Gibbler discussing that two of their classmates kissed for a whopping 12 seconds and hijinks and hilarity ensued when their braces stuck together. Man, that would be such a nightmare. Thankfully for me, when I was in my braces stages, I also had glasses and was a bit of a fatass. In short, I was fug and nobody would be making out with me for a few more years (Thank you contact/braces removal/growth spurt/weight loss). Now I'm a bona fide make-out bandit.

Um, anywho, while D.J.'s having her epic conversation, Stephanie, Danny and Joey are all waiting for the phone.

Jesse and Becky are planning a picnic to celebrate the 1 year anniversary from the day they met. Lots of shmoopiness ensues, "Oh, every day's a picnic with you." I have to point out Jesse's fashion violation. He's wearing a white mock turtleneck, and let's be honest here. NO straight man can pull off a mock turtleneck. And to top it off, he's accessorized with a peace symbol medallion necklace.

Kimmy enters through the front door still talking on the phone to D.J. They are talking to each other on the phone while standing in the same room. Finally, Danny puts an end to this madness. D.J. agrees to pick up Kimmy's baby-sitting job for that night in order to earn some money to pay for her own private phone line.

Jesse and Joey's poker game is being moved to the Tanner's and Danny wants in to play. Sounds like a reasonable enough request considering those mooches live in his house. Was it ever established if they pay any sort of rent or any of the utilities. They fucking should. Stephanie gets stuck with the arduous task of putting UgTot to bed. Poor Stephanie. She attempts to do so by suggesting they play Sleeping Beauty. More like Sleeping UGLY! Zing!

Danny's all decked out in his slovenly poker attire, picked straight from the dirty hamper. Nice. The other poker players are pretty nasty, smoking up a storm and sticking their dirty smokey fingers into the dip. I find this pretty unbelievable because even all of the smokers I know won't smoke inside their own house, let alone a complete stranger's who doesn't smoke. That's some fucked up lack of etiquette there. Jesse's trip to Nebraska comes up and all of the guys jeer and browbeat Jesse into calling Jesse and telling Becky that there's no way he's going to Nebraska. He does so on her answering machine, and a triumphant man cheer erupts from the poker table.

D.J. is baby-sitting Brian, the uberbrat from Stephanie's class. He starts screaming and wants to play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I want to hit him. Very hard. On the backside. And the frontside. He threatens to drop D.J.'s purse in the fish tank but recoils in fear as soon as Kimmy Gibbler comes to pay D.J. a visit. Kimmy threatens him with a kiss and he runs away only to return with a nerf gun and gets his head stuck in the railing for his troubles. In the immortal words of Nelson, "Haw Haw." D.J. and Kimmy attempt to free him by copiously buttering his bratty head. It doesn't work so they glop more butter on for the fun of it. Totally something I would do, but I also happen to have an extremely low tolerance for children (particulaly those of the bratty persuasion).

Back at the Tanner's the poker game is in full filthy swing. The human chimney runs out of cigarettes and Danny is relieved. That relief is temporary however as Smokey the Bear pulls out some cigars. Michelle the brat won't go to bed and comes downstairs and for some reason, the normally anal retentive Danny doesn't say shit about the fact that his young children are in a room clouded with smoke. WTF? I mean, even most easygoing people wouldn't be down with that. He gets a phone call from D.J. who needs his help with Brian and leaves.

Becky comes in all in a furious tizzy over Jesse's message on the machine and to settle the dispute over where to spend Christmas, they play a poker hand for it. If Becky wins, Nebraska. If Jesse wins, Graceland. Before they can reveal their hands, Jesse proposes a compromise: Nebraska for Christmas and Graceland for New Year's. Out of curiousity they then reveal the cards they had. Jesse had only a 3 high and Becky had a 2. Heh. We all know Jesse only suggested that because he thought he was going to lose.

At Brian's, Danny is sawing Bri's head out of the railing. He pauses mid-saw to tell D.J. how proud he is of her for being responsible enough to call for help. He gets Brian out just as his hippy parents are arriving home. They aren't really phased by the large amount of butter on their son's head and when Brian tells them that D.J. is his favorite sitter, they offer her a job for next week. D.J.'s about to decline until they offer to double the rates. Sold!

Danny grants D.J. her own phone line with the stipulation that she can only keep it so long as she can pay for it. The maiden phone call is already coming in, who can it be? It's... Walter. Apparently Stephanie gave the number out to her friends in case of emergencies. She sprawls on her bed to engage in a lengthy conversation as D.J. stews over being back to square one even with her own personal line.

"Lemme tell you something about your pal Shakespeare: anyone who makes men dress like women is where I draw the line!" or No More Mr. Dumb Guy (3.13)

D.J. and Stephanie are doing Michelle's hair and comment that it was much easier when she was a baby and bald. Don't forget how much more pleasant it was when she couldn't speak! I mean, we were always offended by her face, but now we have to endure the crap she spews from her bratty little mouth. Ug puts a wig on her head and calls herself a movie star and Stephanie refers to her as "Zsa Zsa." Please don't encourage her, Steph.

On WUSF, their guest is Cynthia Ryan, the coordinator for the Festival of Cultural Arts. Danny's got the hots for her and whilst trying to flirt he kicks a glass of juice, spilling it all over her. Smooth, Dan. Real smooth. He manages to ask her to be his date to the festival amidst all of the bumbling. As the show wraps, Jesse shows up at the studio in a Cincinnati Reds hat and is all greased up, presumably from working on some car or motorcycle. He doesn't want to go to the Festival of Cultural Arts because it sounds boring and I wholeheartedly agree. This is coming from someone who was an Illustration major in college too. Bo. Ring.

At the house, Joey is cooking spaghetti for dinner and tries to class it up by putting on a faux Italian accent. No one's fooled, Gladstone. D.J. and Stephanie begin playing a game of telephone, communicating insults towards one another through Michelle. Jesse passes through the kitchen carrying a full armload of books to study up and broaden his cultural horizons.

It's the evening of the Festival and Danny brings Cynthia to the Tanner home prior to the gala. There, Michelle recycles some of D.J. and Stephanie's verbal barbs by calling Cynthia a "Cheesehead" and Danny "Chicken Legs." I'm almost amused by you, UgTot. Almost. Danny is less than thrilled than Michelle's new habit of hurling insults, and tells D.J. and Stephanie to fix this situation by the time he gets home.

Jesse is in his room listening to opera and studying various works of art and literature in a desperate cram session to make himself more educated and refined. But, it's not all stuffy boring classics, he's also making time to read "Is that you Big Guy?: Sightings of Elvis." Out of all of the books he listed, that's definitely the one I'm most interested in reading. Becky comes in and asks if he's ready to go and Jesse feigns a fever. Becky's content to leave him behind because her douchey former professor Eric Trent is there to escort her. They depart and Jesse astutely picks up on Eric's mondo douche vibes and decides that he will go to the Festival after all. Joey gives him a crash course in pseudo-intellectualism.

Joey explains to Jesse that the people who are going to be at the party are the equivalent of "Jeopardy!" whereas Jesse is more of a "Price is Right" kind of guy. Joey gives him some conversational snippets and pointers for hanging with the pompous brainiacs and sends him on the way.

At the gala, Danny accidentally dumps some caviar onto Cynthia's head and carefully picks it off like a chimp picking lice out of another chimp's scalp. Yuck. The party looks so incredibly boring, and Jesse shows up to crash. I can't help but notice that Jesse's hair is dangerously approaching mullet territory and he is in desperate need of a trim.

Jesse tries to fit in with all of the snobs calling "Citizen Kane" the greatest film ever made and says that he finds Picasso "interesting, but terribly overrated." This sends Professor Snooty into a self-righteous tizzy but again, I'm on Jesse's side through and through. As an art student who had to sit through hours and hours of art history, I can't stand like 90% of Picasso's shit and do find him terribly overrated. That's just me.

Becky acts like Jesse is being a complete embarrassment and completely ignores the fact that Prof. Trent is being a complete and total bag of douche. Jesse vows to settle their pissing contest the best way he knows: an arm wrestling match. The classical band playing at the party begins providing background music to this epic struggle, and Danny, because he's awesome, starts whooping and cheering for Jesse. That is, until he's met with death looks from the rest of the party-goers who have zero sense of humor and then he says that arm wrestling is "barbaric." Jesse defeats Eric and celebrates his victory. Becky is less than impressed, and tells Jesse he was being a jerk and leaves the party in a huff.

Stephanie and D.J. are trying to break Michelle of her insult-hurling habit and to be nice. It appears to take and then Michelle wanders into Jesse's bedroom to cheer him up the only way an UgTot can cheer up her creepy Uncle. I am momentarily distracted from their inappropriate relationship when Michelle says "I love you too, Cheesehead."

Becky is in her apartment and goes to the window when she hears something below. It's Jesse, serenading her with a song he wrote that night as an apology. Becky comes down and tells him that despite never going to college, he still accomplished a lot with his life and she still thinks that he's smart. And so ends another one of the myriad of fights that plague the tumultuous Jesse and Becky romance.

"I just got this manly feeling and frankly, I liked it!" or The Greatest Birthday on Earth (3.10)

Unloading groceries in the kitchen, they make mention of Captain Hook Peanut Butter and I can't help but assume this is a rip-off of Peter Pan Peanut Butter, and they just didn't want to do a product placement. One of the girls comments on having to break down and try the peanut butter and I'm baffled. It's just peanut butter for fucks sake, it's not like it's herring snacks. I used to eat spoonfuls of peanut butter from the jar, so I may be biased.

Hanging off of the counter in the kitchen is a countdown to Michelle's 3rd birthday, which they'll be celebrating with a circus party. Jesse, who happens to be harboring a hatred/fear of clowns, asks Michelle if perhaps she'd prefer an Elvis-themed party. UgTot says "No thank you, big Daddy."

Stephanie recites a poem she wrote for school about potty-training Comet and it's awesome. I wish I wasn't so lazy and transcribed said poem here, but trust, it was amazing.

The family's discussing the circus party, apparently D.J. will be acting as the lion tamer with Comet acting as said ferocious beast and Stephanie's going to be a juggler.

Suddenly, before you can say "UgTot" it's Michelle's birthday. Jesse blows up 100 balloons and I think he probably should have invested in a helium tank. There's a horrifying clown cake that our least favorite brat claws into. Danny comes in and tells Jesse that his car's making some old man noises and Jesse volunteers to take a look at it and bring it to the mechanic. Joey meanwhile, demonstrates the maturity of a 3 year old as he begins digging into the cake with his hands. He feigns ignorance and says that he thought that's how the cake was supposed to be enjoyed. Moron.

Jesse is at the garage with Michelle and Stephanie. The mechanic tells Jesse that he should get his money back from whoever fiddled with his idle because it led to greater problems for the car. Naturally, it was Jesse who tampered with Danny's idle, so way to go Jess-man. The mechanic, Elmer, fixed it up and makes a horrible pun about going to "See Esther/Siesta" and I'm not even going to re-tell it here, because you'll all lose brain cells, and I'd die a little inside. Jesse takes the girls to use the bathroom and when they get out, it turns out that Elmer didn't realize they were in the bathroom (you would think that the fact that their car was still there and they were nowhere in sight would be a good indicator of this, but such is FH) and locks the garage.

Jesse, Stephanie and Michelle emerge from their respective restrooms (Men's, women's and Trolls') and are horrified when they realize they're trapped in the garage. Cue UgTot's pouty big watery eyed sad face as she laments, "No happy birthday to me." I laugh and tell her to shut her porky mouth.

Meanwhile, back at the Tanner household, the party is in full swing. D.J. sings "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and some awesome kid picks up a bowl of popcorn and dumps it over his head. This child it my hero. Danny and Joey enter as clowns, Clean-o and JoJo. A young attractive woman enters through the back door and reveals herself as Karen Roberts, the aunt of one of the little boys, and it's Karen the dance teacher Danny dates and also the actress who played Becky's sister Connie. This chick must have been friends with someone in the cast or crew to be recycled in two distinct roles.

Danny has received a huge surge of confidence from his clown suit and is a smooth operator, putting the moves on Karen. At the garage, Jesse and the girls are still trapped inside waiting on Elmer, whom Jesse refers to as "Goober." Michelle's still being all emo, so Jesse and Stephanie plan to throw her a garage circus to salvage her birthday.

Back at the house, Danny is still flirting up a storm with Karen. Him and Joey then engage in a clown battle that includes Danny dumping popcorn and fruit punch down Joey's pants. Joey cries out that there's a party in his pants, and I instantly think of Steve Carrell in "Anchorman."

Brick: "I would like to extend to you an invitatian to the pants party."
Veronica: "Excuse me?"
Brick: "The party. The pants-- with the pants. Party with pants?"
Veronica: "Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and I'm invited?"
Brick: "That's it."

The doorbell rings and it's an elephant at the door. Apparently this was Joey's surprise for the party. The elephant reaches it's trunk into no (wo)man's land, A.K.A. down Joey's pants, and snags his underwear.

At the garage the Circus of Love (or Grease, whichever) is going on. Jesse and Stephanie decorate themselves with grease as clown make-up and Stephanie, A.K.A. Stephabelle the clown, and Jesse put on a bitching fourth-rate circus that includes tightrope walking across a ladder, a puppet show and Stephanie manages to successfully juggle. They present UgTot with a birthday cake comprised of Twinkies sitting atop an air filter box and finally, Elmer returns. He utilizes the classic "h-e-double hockey sticks" when he asks what the hell is going on?

Sprung from the garage, Jesse returns the girls home but the party is already over. Danny is miffed that he wasted what was most likely a shit ton of money putting on a circus for the neighborhood kids, but he softens when he realizes that Jesse overcame his hatred for clowns in order to put on a circus for Michelle. They did manage to maintain one element of the circus for Michelle, as they lead her to the backyard where the elephant is still kicking it. And I hate Michelle a little more for how spoiled she is.

Man, aside from a few funny lines, this episode really bit the big one. I probably could have skipped over it, and no one would have missed it. If I'm feeling adventurous, I might write up a second blog for the day to compensate for this sack o' crap.

Scott Baio is 28... and guest starring on "Full House" or Dr. Dare Rides Again (3.9)

Danny and Becky are preparing to go cover fashion week in Los Angeles, leaving the girls in the care of Jesse & Joey. It is inevitable that hijinks will ensue. Joey is already off to a great start making incredibly gross looking messy ice cream sundaes. Stephanie feeds Michelle's to Comet (Ha!) which unfortunately leads to UgTot's ever so "hilarious" mispronounciation of "owce cweam."

The doorbell rings and Joey leaves to answer it. The studio audience (or at least the sound machine that plays the audience noises) goes wild when the door is opened and the 1980s stud of studs Scott Baio is standing there. He asks for Jesse and Joey tells him that he's in the kitchen "with the girls." Joey leads him to the kitchen where Uncle J is leading the girls in a rousing rendition of "The Farmer in the Dell." Obviously these weren't the kind of girls Scott had in mind. He joins in the sing-along and thoroughly busts on Jess for this display. Jesse is ecstatic to be reunited with his good pal of yore, Pete Bianco, and explains how they met fighting over a set of twins until they realized that duh, there were two of them.

Pete just returned from Europe and is in town to relive the glory days. He refers to Jesse as Dr. Dare, a nickname he received for never turning down a dare. Pete challenges Jesse to keep up with him for 2 days. Cut to the two guys going hog wild with a sing-along of "Louie Louie" in Jesse's room. They don't even know the words aside from the chorus, and I totally scoff at the notion that they're legit musicians. I mean, I don't know the words per say, but if I was a musician and was planning to sing it, you can bet your ass I'd google that shit first. The music obviously wakes the girls up and we're "treated" to an UgTot dance.

Jesse tells Joey that him and Pete are riding up to Lake Tahoe, but to not worry because they'll be back for the party they're throwing. There's a dumb scene in which they persuade Michelle to forgive Comet the puppy for eating her "owce cweam." Ugh. If only he ate her face. After that boring transitionary scene, the party kicks off at the Tanner's. Danny and Pete go back and forth boring all of the party-goers with tales of their youthful indiscretions. A 90s-Hot (not to be confused with actually hot, just a chick who was probably considered hot for this particular time era) blonde is in attendance and Joey tries to hit on her until she reveals herself as Donna, Jesse's old girlfriend.

The guys' old band, "Feedback" is back together for one night only, and I recognize the drummer as one of the guys reincarnated in The Rippers. They begin singing "Shout" and Baio's lip-synching the deep bass voice part is painfully obvious. Like, put a little effort into creating the illusion there, Scotty. Joey somehow convinces everyone in the party to partake in some ridiculously idiotic dance moves, including "The Alligator." Stephanie is horrified and asks D.J. if she's ever seen anything like this dance before. D.J. awesomely quips, "Once, when a bee flew into Dad's shorts."

Jesse begins dancing with Donna a bit and wouldn't you know that Becky and Danny choose that exact moment to walk into the house. Whoops! Becky is obviously PISSED, and her and Danny are rocking some seriously dated Fashionista makeovers. Somehow they managed to slick back Bob Saget's not very longish hair into a greasy ponytail. He asks the girls what they think of their "new rad, bad Dad." No comment. Becky and Danny volunteer to put the girls to bed, and Becky suggests that Jesse say goodnight to Donna.

Pete then pulls out a videotape of Jesse playing out one of his Dr. Dare fantasies by riding a motorcyle along the edge of a building. Does anyone else find it a little weird that Pete's just carrying around a home movie of his friend? Just me then? Pete engages in a little good-natured ribbing, but it gets Jesse's panties in a twist and he leaves to go recreate his stunt flogged by his groupies. Becky comes downstairs and Joey fills her in on what happened and they go to stop him.

On top of the roof, Becky manages to talk Jesse out of the stunt and her, Joey and Pete all take turns hitting Jesse on the arm for being a total dumbass. It's at this point, after Jesse nearly kills himself attempting another stunt, that Pete tells Jesse that he's more sensible now and that he has a good thing going now, and he loves him even if he's more Dr. Seuss than Dr. Dare. He affectionately refers to him as a "Dirtbucket Filthball" and it's adios to Pete Bianco, Jesse's "best friend" who will never be heard from again.

Back at the house, Jesse is in his bedroom and D.J. enters to talk to him. Christ, what time of night is it that she's still up? She tells him that she's glad he didn't go through with his crazy stunt and says that sometimes, "it takes more courage to say no." Jesse, that self-indulgent ego-maniac, asks where D.J. learned such sage advice, knowing full well that he was the one who told her. She says goodnight and leaves Jesse alone in his room where he plays a rocking guitar riff and smirks to himself that he's still got it.

"A lot of tough talk coming from the coverboy of 'Geek Illustrated!'" or Divorce Court (3.8)

Can you believe it? Back to back FH recaps!!! I've been slacking, I'll admit. Between work, applying to new jobs because I am so fed up with my current one, fighting colds, playing softball (and subsequently possibly fracturing my foot), the NFL Playoffs (GO PATS! 2 AWAY FROM PERFECTION!!!), trying to spend time with my boyfriend, tutoring my BFF in math and occasionally boozing with my friends, the FH blog didn't get the attention it deserved, but I'm back with a vengeance.

Anywho, I know I'd been neglecting my FH, but after an kickass comment left by Michelle yesterday, I feel totally inspired to get my ass into gear. I know I've been slacking and a big reason is because sometimes I feel like nobody's reading. Hint hint, feed my ego and I'll provide you with more blog entries! Also thanks to the linkage provided by NeonSpandex, whose blog is also linked on the left hand side.

Okay, okay, okay. I know nobody comes here for my self indulgent ramblings, so without further adieu, Divorce Court.

Stephanie is playing in her room with Walter (formerly known as "Duck Lips") and Jimmy (Dirty!). Jimmy wants to play a shoot 'em up game and Walter professes that he is a lover not a fighter (Double Dirty!) and make the Duck Lips kissy face. D.J. enters their room flanked by Kimmy and Monica, the rarely seen token black friend. Stephanie is crushed to learn that D.J. is going to be blowing off the school's Halloween carnival in favor of Cathy Santoni's Halloween party. Man, if there were ever a FH drinking game, I think any mention of Cathy Santoni should be a full beer/drink chug, and any appearance should be to kill a 6-pack or something.

D.J. tries to kick Stephanie out of the room so that the girls can talk about boys, and Stephanie leaves boasting "While you're talking about it, I'm living it!" Touche. Danny and Joey are in the backyard playing football with UgTot and they do a celebratory TD dance that I have dubbed the "UgTot Shuffle." Michelle sits down as the dance continues and Jesse comes out wondering if maybe their underwear is on a little too tight.

The guys laugh at Jesse because he didn't play sports when he was in school and was in the glee club. But, um, he's a professional singer now so is that really anything to mock? I don't see Joey goaltending for the NHL or Danny doing jump balls in the NBA. Just saying, at least one of them had real talent that they didn't squander and actually parlayed into a career. The guys decide to have a race to determine who's the manliest man, and are interrupted by the girls having a screaming fight. Their friends are sent home and the girls are sent to their room.

The guys decide to make their race a little more interesting by making a wager. The losers of the race have to wear the winner's choice of costume to the school Halloween carnival. 3 hours have elapsed and the girls are still being punished in their room so D.J. proposes a fake make-up and even go so far as to stage a fake hug for Danny.

Stephanie moves out of their shared room into Michelle's room, but before she leaves, seizes half of their assets. This includes half of the phone while D.J.'s trying to call Kimmy.

Stephanie's now kicking it in her new digs, Michelle's room, and she somehow managed to move her bed in there. Huh? How the eff would she move an entire bed, not only because its heavy, but to maneuver it through a doorway? I'm calling total shenanigans on you, FH! D.J. meanwhile, is rollerblading around her mostly empty room. Uncle Jesse catches wind on the room switch and vows to mention it to Danny when he gets home because he doesn't think he'll approve. When Steph and UgTot try to go to sleep, Michelle hits Stephanie in the head with a stuffed animal. If I did that to my older sister, she'd have hit my ass right back. Stupid Ug and her special treatment.

The next day the guys are prepping for their big race. Danny stretches, Joey does a good air in, bad air out exercise and Jesse eats a jelly roll. Becky shows up to the track with the WUSF camera crew, much to the chagrin of Danny. Danny begs the guys to throw the race so that he doesn't lose on his own show, and Joey says that he's already rented the Big Bird and Snuffalopagus costumes. And so the race begins.

It's hilariously painful to watch as the guys "run" at what can best be described as a snail's pace. Becky tells the viewing audience that what they're watching is not slow-motion, they are actually moving that slowly. Gasping for air, the guys agree to finish the race in a tie until Becky lights a fire under their asses when she calls them turtles. As the guys approach the finish line, they push themselves for the last leg. It's a photo finish and it's Danny Tanner by a nose!

Becky interviews Danny what was his motivation and he reveals it was "fear of public humiliation." The three guys pass out as Becky concludes the WUSF segment: "That's a wrap... and a nap."

The guys come home and Stephanie looks completely rocked from her horrendous night of sharing a room with Michelle. Danny is confused about why Stephanie moved in with Michelle and is horrified when she reveals that the hug he witnessed was fake. They decide to settle this matter with some Tanner Court with Judge Danny presiding. Jesse represents Stephanie and Joey represents D.J.

Right off the bat we know D.J.'s fucked because Joey's incompetent. And as predicted, Jesse acts as a much better attorney. He busts on D.J. for playing Barbies with Stephanie in the past week. Danny's final ruling is that UgTot is still too young for a roommate, and although D.J. and Steph's 5 year age difference feels like a lot now, it won't when they're older. Jesse is upset that a verdict was reached so quickly because he wants to keep playing lawyer. Poor Jesse.

Later that night, Stephanie is getting ready for the school Halloween carnival, dressed up as Batman. D.J. comes into the room dressed as the Joker wearing a mask that must make her face incredibly sweaty. She asks Stephanie why she wanted her to come to the carnival so badly and Steph reveals it's because she idolizes Deej. D.J. can't resist and caves and agrees to go to the carnival with Stephanie and go to her party a little later. She adds that she doesn't want a roommate, but if she's stuck with one, she's glad it's Stephanie. They hug just as Danny walks in and remarks, "Batman hugging the Joker; that's how the movie should have ended."

Michelle comes in dressed as a kitty and we're supposed to think it's cute, but it's not. Jesse and Joey come in dressed as Shirley Temple from the Good Ship Lollipop, and I wonder if drag is appropriate for an elementary school carnival... J&J reveal that the joke's on Danny because even though they have to wear those ridiculous costumes, they're Danny's dates for the evening. They crack a big smile to reveal several blacked out teeth and I laugh imagining Danny escorting the two of them as his dates.