Finally, we're moving onto Season 5. And UgTot is now being graduated to UgSnot (TM Ashley). It's the night before UgSnot's first day of kindergarten and she's too excited to sleep. Joey begins to play the harmonica for her and she runs away. I hate to be in agreement with the Ug, but, word.
Jesse is back home from his tour with the Rippers and Becky's huge and pregnant. Convenient how they filled in the whole process during the hiatus between seasons. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for that, because who wants to endure the annoying process of pregnancy on their TV. I don't need them to drag out Becky's expansion, morning sickness, et al.
It's also DJ's first day of high school and considering the time period, she look pretty cute. Kimmy is wearing a frumpy frock over her sluttacious (TM Mo'postrophe'Nique) dress.
Jess directs Becky down the stairs as if he's guiding a Mack truck into a parking spot. If only Becky beeped when she backed up. Bwah! They start bickering and make sure to argue using perky, upbeat voices and so that they don't allow the baby to hear or absorb any of their anger.
Stephanie is pumped because her teacher this year is rumored to be a total hottie. Michelle's nervous because she sucks and Joey tries to give her some tips for making new friends. It's pretty clear that Joey wasn't too popular in his youth because his suggestion for Michelle is to put her hands to her head simulating antlers and talk to people in the Bullwinkle voice. This is a doubly stupid idea as Michelle can't even properly imitate Bullwinkle's voice so she just comes off as mildly (?) retarded.
Joey and Danny accompany Michelle to kindergarten and see her off into the classroom. She goes up to several of the children and attempts the Bullwinkle greeting. To the surprise of no one, it fails to wow any of the other children. In fact, it even prompts Teddy to call her weird. Word, Teddy. UgSnot's all forlorn and ditches out of the classroom to find Stephanie. And like, way to supervise your class, kindergarten teacher. Not even noticing that one of your kids slipped out the door. Michelle's lost in the shuffle in the hallways of the elementary school and the bell rings and she's left wandering alone. HAHAHAHA!
Jesse and Becky are at the doctor's office and are stunned when it's revealed that Becky's having twins. They don't even process the information at first and do a double take of sorts. They are completely floored. I'm filled with dread because I know this is one step closer to the addition of the abominations known as Nicky and Alex to the Tanner clan.
UgSnot finally manages to find Stephanie's classroom and promptly embarrasses her by calling her teacher a babe. Stephanie asks her teacher to be excused so that she can return her sister to kindergarten. She brings her back to her classroom and the teacher's all "Oh there you are Michelle, we missed you!" Clearly. That's why you worked so hard to find the missing child in your class, right bitch? Suspend her teaching license! Granted, if I were a teacher and Michelle was in my class, I would also look the other way if she happened to go missing. Stephanie shows the class the wonder of a properly executed Bullwinkle greeting. She manages to somehow integrate her trollish sister into the class. Stephanie's too awesome for words, Michelle is not worthy.
Back at the house, Jesse tells the guys the big news and Danny and Joey congratulate him on the twins. Jesse's a little concerned about the prospect of double duty and it's time for another awesome daydream sequence. This one involving the evil twins of Danny and Joey. Danny's evil twin is the messy scumbag, Manny Tanner. Joey's evil twin has a slicked back tuft of a ponytail and wow, I didn't think Joey could be any more fug, but there we go. Just then, Comet darts through the kitchen followed by another Golden Retriever. Jesse takes this as his cue to take a nap.
Later, Jesse confides to Michelle (seriously, why the hell does this grownass man always discuss his issue with a child!?! And not just any child, but the moronic UgSnot?!) that he's feeling apprehensive about the babies. Michelle tells Stephanie that Jesse's apprehensive and the information is passed up the hierarchy of the family like an unfunny game of telephone. Steph tells DJ who calls for Joey, Danny and Becky to assist in helping Jesse get over his apprehension. They assure him that he's going to be a great father, and that they'll be there for him to help out and support in any way they can, and just like that, Jesse is ready to tackle fatherhood.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
"Stacy Q; she's so rad!" or DJ Tanner's Day Off (1.22)
As promised, I am back to blogging! And what better welcome back than an episode with a super cool guest star! It's Stacy Q! She's so rad!
DJ is dancing around her bedroom singing along to a Stacy Q song using her hairbrush as a microphone, when she is interrupted by Kimmy who comes in, turns off the music and busts out laughing at her. But, come on, who HASN'T danced around their bedroom/apartment/dorm belting out into their hairbrush? Kimmy shows DJ that she got a note to excuse her from school the next day so that she can go get Stacy Q's autograph from the mall. DJ reads the note aloud and I swear she says "Cammy" instead of "Kimmy." She asks if her mother wrote the note, and Kimmy says that she had to pay her brother $20 for it. The joke's on him, because she stole the money from his wallet.
Danny is getting ready to go to LA to cover a surfing competition for work. He provides Jesse and Joey with an extensive list of emergency phone numbers. J&J mock Danny for his paranoia and anal retentiveness. Danny goes down the line, hugging all of the girls and gushing about how much he'll miss them. He gets so carried away that he even hugs Kimmy. J&J tell the girls it's time for bed, and I'm so confused about the timeline of this show. What the hell time is it that Kimmy is coming over, but it's nearly bedtime? Right before he walks out the door, DJ asks Danny if he minds if she gets an autograph from Stacy Q. He says he doesn't mind at all, so she asks if he'll sign a note excusing her from school. Danny says no, and DJ attempts to argue that Kimmy can do it, so why can't she. Danny awesomely replies that there's a lot of things about Kimmy that he doesn't understand. Bwah! DJ insists that if she doesn't get Stacy Q's autograph, she'll die! She refuses to hug Danny, and instead sticks out her hand for a handshake and sternly says "Goodbye father." Danny laughs and pulls her in for a hug, then leaves. Kimmy is sympathetic and sorry that DJ didn't get the note signed, but DJ is determined and vows that she's not giving up yet.
Jesse is playing guitar in his room and singing a horrible song with idiotic, nonsensical lyrics. DJ comes in and pretends to love it and begins some hardcore sucking up. Jesse calls her on it, but is so flattered that whatever it is she's trying to get, he'll give it to her. Ugh, that sentence came off way dirtier than inteneded. DJ tells him that she's writing an essay for school about the person she admires most and says that she chose to write about him. Amazingly enough, Jesse buys this crock of shit, and she begins her interview by asking if Jesse ever ditched out of school. He tells her how he once cut school to go to the Rolling Stones' 5th or 6th farewell tour. Aren't concerts usually at nighttime? Would he really need to skip school for that? Sorry, nitpicking. DJ gets the specifics of his master plan and peaces out. Jesse can't believe that's the extent of the interview, so she asks what his favorite color is. For those of you assembling the FH trivia game at home, Uncle Jesse's favorite color is black.
The next morning, DJ is taking the necessary steps to dupe Joey with her fake illness. She creates the illusion of a fever of 101, a hot forehead, icy hands and moans that she's "siiiiick" (that's sick with 5 i's). Stephanie yells for Joey and tells him DJ's sick. DJ feigns a desire to go to school because she has a big test on "C-c-c-Canada." Joey leaves to go call the school, and DJ remarks to herself how "rad" she is.
Next scene DJ is bounding through the kitchen sporting warm hands and a cool head, ready and willing to go to school. Joey thinks he's got her all figured out. He thinks she was never sick to begin with and felt guilty for her deception so she was now willing to go to school. Well, you're about half right. DJ leaves and goes with Kimmy to go meet Stacy Q. She DOES seem pretty rad. She tells the girls "See you soon!" and DJ and Kimmy excitedly squeal "She wants to be our friend!" Suuuure. Just then, who should enter the store but Joey toting Ug on a leash (good to see the Tanners obey leash laws on their ugly mutt!). Naturally, Ug has to ruin DJ's master plan by crawling over to where her and Kimmy are crouched and hiding. And God DAMN is she a fugly toddler. I am literally disgusted by her.
Joey is furious, he came down to get DJ an autograph because he was so impressed with her honesty. He seizes her autograph and clips the leash onto her jean jacket and leads her out, to her major humiliation. That is pretty brutal. Joey calls Jesse home from work early citing an emergency. Jesse is unimpressed with the reason of "DJ cut school." Joey is outraged at the deception and Jesse isn't really buying it until he realizes that he unwittingly provided DJ with her master plan. When he realizes that he was duped by her story about an essay on the person she admires most. Both men come to the conclusion that DJ is a conniving little sneak. That's pretty harsh language for the FH universe. On a much more shallow note, I must comment how extremely foxy Jesse's looking in his exterminator uniform rocking a backwards red baseball cap. Hott.
Jesse begins lecturing the delinquent DJ and catches himself when he realizes that he's echoing the words of his father. J&J go back and forth trying to one-up each other with more extreme punishments and end up coming up with no television, music or friends over for a month. DJ laments that she hates herself for breaking the trust of Danny and the guys and to me, this scene reeks of insincerity and another scheme on her part... especially because it totally gets her off the hook. The guys even go so far as to vow to keep her misdeed a secret from Danny.
And just then, Danny returns home from LA speaking surfer and within a matter of moments, Stephanie completely blows their cover by asking DJ how she's feeling. The guys tell Danny that DJ was sick in the morning, but went off to school when she was feeling better. Again, Stephanie blows it by saying that she got all of DJ's homework from her teachers since she missed school. This is what bugs me, and I know it's for plot, but two grownass men and a proven conniver couldn't have thought of this as the cover story: DJ was sick in the morning, and started feeling better later in the afternoon, but by that time it was pointless to send her back to school. Maybe I'm just a far better liar than the Tanner clan.
Stephanie is particularly hurt by DJ's lies and betrayal, because she made her a Get Well card and was genuinely concerned for her sister's health. In retaliation for DJ's deception, she begins work on a Get Sick card. Bwah. I should start sending those out to my enemies. Danny comes in and launches into a classic Tanner lecture and tells DJ that the worst part of her lies was not just cutting school or tricking Stephanie, but that she acted selfishly and without any regard for all of the people who may have been hurt by her lies. Danny says that no matter what, he'll always love all of his girls the same, but then adds "I wish Michelle was here, she's my favorite!" He's laughing when he says it, so he's obviously joking, but it's so out of character for Danny to make a comment like that. Not to mention that Michelle is a big ball of ugly sucktitude. And the episode ends on that weirdly inappropriate remark, something I found that really odd.
DJ is dancing around her bedroom singing along to a Stacy Q song using her hairbrush as a microphone, when she is interrupted by Kimmy who comes in, turns off the music and busts out laughing at her. But, come on, who HASN'T danced around their bedroom/apartment/dorm belting out into their hairbrush? Kimmy shows DJ that she got a note to excuse her from school the next day so that she can go get Stacy Q's autograph from the mall. DJ reads the note aloud and I swear she says "Cammy" instead of "Kimmy." She asks if her mother wrote the note, and Kimmy says that she had to pay her brother $20 for it. The joke's on him, because she stole the money from his wallet.
Danny is getting ready to go to LA to cover a surfing competition for work. He provides Jesse and Joey with an extensive list of emergency phone numbers. J&J mock Danny for his paranoia and anal retentiveness. Danny goes down the line, hugging all of the girls and gushing about how much he'll miss them. He gets so carried away that he even hugs Kimmy. J&J tell the girls it's time for bed, and I'm so confused about the timeline of this show. What the hell time is it that Kimmy is coming over, but it's nearly bedtime? Right before he walks out the door, DJ asks Danny if he minds if she gets an autograph from Stacy Q. He says he doesn't mind at all, so she asks if he'll sign a note excusing her from school. Danny says no, and DJ attempts to argue that Kimmy can do it, so why can't she. Danny awesomely replies that there's a lot of things about Kimmy that he doesn't understand. Bwah! DJ insists that if she doesn't get Stacy Q's autograph, she'll die! She refuses to hug Danny, and instead sticks out her hand for a handshake and sternly says "Goodbye father." Danny laughs and pulls her in for a hug, then leaves. Kimmy is sympathetic and sorry that DJ didn't get the note signed, but DJ is determined and vows that she's not giving up yet.
Jesse is playing guitar in his room and singing a horrible song with idiotic, nonsensical lyrics. DJ comes in and pretends to love it and begins some hardcore sucking up. Jesse calls her on it, but is so flattered that whatever it is she's trying to get, he'll give it to her. Ugh, that sentence came off way dirtier than inteneded. DJ tells him that she's writing an essay for school about the person she admires most and says that she chose to write about him. Amazingly enough, Jesse buys this crock of shit, and she begins her interview by asking if Jesse ever ditched out of school. He tells her how he once cut school to go to the Rolling Stones' 5th or 6th farewell tour. Aren't concerts usually at nighttime? Would he really need to skip school for that? Sorry, nitpicking. DJ gets the specifics of his master plan and peaces out. Jesse can't believe that's the extent of the interview, so she asks what his favorite color is. For those of you assembling the FH trivia game at home, Uncle Jesse's favorite color is black.
The next morning, DJ is taking the necessary steps to dupe Joey with her fake illness. She creates the illusion of a fever of 101, a hot forehead, icy hands and moans that she's "siiiiick" (that's sick with 5 i's). Stephanie yells for Joey and tells him DJ's sick. DJ feigns a desire to go to school because she has a big test on "C-c-c-Canada." Joey leaves to go call the school, and DJ remarks to herself how "rad" she is.
Next scene DJ is bounding through the kitchen sporting warm hands and a cool head, ready and willing to go to school. Joey thinks he's got her all figured out. He thinks she was never sick to begin with and felt guilty for her deception so she was now willing to go to school. Well, you're about half right. DJ leaves and goes with Kimmy to go meet Stacy Q. She DOES seem pretty rad. She tells the girls "See you soon!" and DJ and Kimmy excitedly squeal "She wants to be our friend!" Suuuure. Just then, who should enter the store but Joey toting Ug on a leash (good to see the Tanners obey leash laws on their ugly mutt!). Naturally, Ug has to ruin DJ's master plan by crawling over to where her and Kimmy are crouched and hiding. And God DAMN is she a fugly toddler. I am literally disgusted by her.
Joey is furious, he came down to get DJ an autograph because he was so impressed with her honesty. He seizes her autograph and clips the leash onto her jean jacket and leads her out, to her major humiliation. That is pretty brutal. Joey calls Jesse home from work early citing an emergency. Jesse is unimpressed with the reason of "DJ cut school." Joey is outraged at the deception and Jesse isn't really buying it until he realizes that he unwittingly provided DJ with her master plan. When he realizes that he was duped by her story about an essay on the person she admires most. Both men come to the conclusion that DJ is a conniving little sneak. That's pretty harsh language for the FH universe. On a much more shallow note, I must comment how extremely foxy Jesse's looking in his exterminator uniform rocking a backwards red baseball cap. Hott.
Jesse begins lecturing the delinquent DJ and catches himself when he realizes that he's echoing the words of his father. J&J go back and forth trying to one-up each other with more extreme punishments and end up coming up with no television, music or friends over for a month. DJ laments that she hates herself for breaking the trust of Danny and the guys and to me, this scene reeks of insincerity and another scheme on her part... especially because it totally gets her off the hook. The guys even go so far as to vow to keep her misdeed a secret from Danny.
And just then, Danny returns home from LA speaking surfer and within a matter of moments, Stephanie completely blows their cover by asking DJ how she's feeling. The guys tell Danny that DJ was sick in the morning, but went off to school when she was feeling better. Again, Stephanie blows it by saying that she got all of DJ's homework from her teachers since she missed school. This is what bugs me, and I know it's for plot, but two grownass men and a proven conniver couldn't have thought of this as the cover story: DJ was sick in the morning, and started feeling better later in the afternoon, but by that time it was pointless to send her back to school. Maybe I'm just a far better liar than the Tanner clan.
Stephanie is particularly hurt by DJ's lies and betrayal, because she made her a Get Well card and was genuinely concerned for her sister's health. In retaliation for DJ's deception, she begins work on a Get Sick card. Bwah. I should start sending those out to my enemies. Danny comes in and launches into a classic Tanner lecture and tells DJ that the worst part of her lies was not just cutting school or tricking Stephanie, but that she acted selfishly and without any regard for all of the people who may have been hurt by her lies. Danny says that no matter what, he'll always love all of his girls the same, but then adds "I wish Michelle was here, she's my favorite!" He's laughing when he says it, so he's obviously joking, but it's so out of character for Danny to make a comment like that. Not to mention that Michelle is a big ball of ugly sucktitude. And the episode ends on that weirdly inappropriate remark, something I found that really odd.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Lo siento
Sorry I've been such a slagass as of late. Personal drama and the like has made it hard to motivate myself to blog. But with Tiff and snappleaddict on hiatus, I promise to get my butt into gear and resume blogging. Mad props to Fear Street and BSC Revisited for carrying the torch and entertaining me on a consistently regular basis.
I promise June to be much more bountiful and blogariffic!
I promise June to be much more bountiful and blogariffic!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
The Birth of the Tanner Twister, or Stephanie Plays the Field (4.22)
Danny comes in with an armful of groceries and for some reason enlists the assistance of Ug to unload. She spies a package of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and tries to sneak away with them. He totally busts her and it's all sunshine and giggles and once again, the opening scene causes me to die a little inside.
Danny's polishing baseball bats with Rusty and ew, that sounds wicked dirty. Stephanie comes in with a boy and they are followed by DJ, whom Stephanie's apparently been ignoring the entire walk home. Stephanie is all google-eyed as she introduces the strapping young lad as "My Brett." She quickly corrects herself and explains it's her friend Brett who plays for the Cubs with a batting average of .421 with 6 stolen bases and one error that was the result of when a ball hit a rock and therefore it wasn't really his fault. Rusty is on the rival Giants and begins talking smack to Brett until Danny sends Brett away. Danny tells Rusty that he's going to teach him the fine art of how to slide without getting dirty.
Girl talk upstairs! Steph asks DJ how to tell if Brett likes her and says that her heart beats "Brett Brett, Brett Brett." She asks DJ for advice and she suggests that they hang out together and see if there's romantic prospects. Stephanie asks how it's possible that with all of this sage advice and experience, DJ doesn't have a boyfriend. DJ explains that she's been playing hard to get, and Steph deadpans, "Oh. Well you're going a really great job."
Jesse and Becky are ready to break in their new apartment, formerly known as Danny's attic, now to be known as the "attipartment". Jesse unveils the piece de resistance: the bed that comes out of the wall. Becky remarks, "Oo, that is really tacky... but I love it." You would, you kinky Nebraskan freak! Just then they are interrupted by a troll who greets them, "Hello Mr. and Mrs. Katsopolis." That's right, it's Ug. Jesse sarcastically replies, "Oh goody, Michelle's here." Ha! That's how I feel every time she enters a scene too! Jesse and Becky try to gently tell her that they want to be alone, and Michelle looks around the empty attipartment and says that they are alone, silly. Jesse launches Michelle into the air under the guise of playing airplane and lands her outside the door, closing and locking it behind her. Obviously, I'd be annoyed as shit too, but uh, this is kind of the reason why you don't move back home after you get married, fuckwit.
Michelle is still outside the door hollering, and eventually concedes, "Fine! I'm leaving... but you're gonna miss me!" Somehow... I doubt it. She stomps into Joey's room where he's working on filing his taxes and apparently he owes a shit ton of money. He's contemplating the likelihood of being able to write off $10K citing "business dinners at the Sizzler." Whoa, hold up there Gladstone: YOU DROPPED $10K AT THE FUCKING SIZZLER??!?!
Time for everyone's favorite Milkman segue into a real life, not necessarily related anecdote. There's this dude I worked with and he had a really shitty car that was always breaking down and even though he made the most money out of all of us, he somehow couldn't manage to pay for either a new car, or to fix his old car to get it back on the road. This was confusing to the rest of us, until one day one of his friends got drunk and told one of the big workplace blabbermouth bitches that the reason he was so in debt was because he spent $3000 renting porn on his cable bill. The worst thing is that they were all "Daddy's Little Girls." He dropped 3 THOUSAND DOLLARS renting the same porn over and over again (and a few others, I'm sure). Dude, just spend 40 bucks on the DVD. Eventually he paid off his massive porn bill and got a new car and was slightly more fiscally responsible (sans the nasty Crown Royal and Coke habit), and he's since moved away, but I'll always remember the ridiculous porn bill.
Joey tries to explain to Michelle that being newlyweds, Jesse and Becky want their privacy. She asks what they want that for and Joey says they need it "to... do their taxes." Ah, the neverending slew of euphemisms for sexual intercourse. Michelle asks if they're going to be doing their "taxis" [sic, her idiot ass] every night? And Joey replies that they will for the first couple of months. And gross, does he really need to delve that far into the Katsopolis sexcapades?
In the attipartment of sin, Jesse and Becky are trying to get it on with some sexytime, and they are interrupted yet again by a knock on the door. Jesse tries to tell Michelle that they're sleeping and is startled when he's answered by Joey's voice questioning why he's talking then. Somehow, Jesse manages to turn the tables and force Joey to play with Michelle and get the Ug out of their hair.
The next day, Stephanie decides that she wants to play Little League too, in order to get closer to Brett. She throws and Rusty remarks that "the babe's got an arm." Danny takes slight offense to the reference of his young daughter as a babe, but does recognize her natural skillz and asks her to pitch for the Giants. Steph throws a nasty curve ball which Rusty dubs the Tanner Twister, the namesake of this blog. Stephanie is stoked and remarks "I love being a jock."
The next day is the big baseball game showdown between the Giants and the Cubs. Danny tells the guys how excited Michelle is because he told her she could be batboy. Now, I know this is probably going to destroy all of my street-cred, but just then Ug walks in dressed in a Batman costume and I might have actually chuckled a bit. But, I tend to think of it as laughing at her stupidity, rather than anything she did intentionally to be funny.
Brett Brett comes in to visit Steph and wish her luck before the game. He shows her that he drew an "ST" with a heart around it on his bat and declares her to be his girlfriend. Stephanie's creaming her jeans over this gesture and Brett passive aggressively mentions that he's a little afraid to face her and the Twister (cough, PUSSY, cough) and doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of his family and suggests that maybe she throw him a few easy ones. Stephanie is hesitant and Brett apparently doesn't notice her discomfort with the situation and thinks she's onboard.
It's game time. Steph's apparently pitching a great game and Joey is sitting at a table and commentating over a loudspeaker and like really? Do they need color commentary and play by plays for a little league game? Is that common practice and was I just snubbed because as a girl I played the lowly softball rather than little league baseball? Brett's up to bat and Joey has given him the moniker of "Danger Brett Davis." Last time he was up he hit a double and now he hits a homerun. I guess Steph decided to go along with the plan.
Now changed out of her Batman costume, she's now in a Giants shirt. But it's a t-shirt for the NY Giants football team rather than the SF Giants baseball team. Grrr, shit like that annoys me. Stephanie's up to bat and is thrown out at first and Jesse throws a fit arguing with the umpire until Danny tells him that she was out. Once Jesse settles down and is back in his seat, Becky promises him a snow cone if he behaves and Jesse simply replies, "I like cherry." Hee!
Naturally, the game comes down to Brett's final at-bat. She has 2 strikes on him and Joey remarks that you can cut the tension with a knife. He then covers the mic and yells for a hot dog. Stephanie signals for Danny to come to the mound and asks him to send DJ to her. Joey thinks they're bringing in another pitcher "wait no, another daughter." As DJ runs to the mound Joey profiles her as someone who "loves the mall and the beach and spends hours in the bathroom." DJ is rightfully mortified by the latter half and chastises Joey for it. Steph asks DJ what to do and DJ says that if Brett's for real, she shouldn't need to throw the game for him.
Joey comments that this game's a real nailbiter and again covers the mic, this time calling for nachos. Stephanie throws the Tanner Twister and strikes him out. Everyone rejoices and I'm sorry but that is waaaayyyyy too much excitement over a season opener victory. Stephanie is hoisted onto the shoulders of her teammates as she notices Brett kicking at the ground and looking utterly dejected, and is unable to relish in her victory. Wow, Brett's really bringing the bitchassness, isn't he?
But, all is well when Brett comes by the Tanner house to congratulate Steph on her win and apologize citing that he should have never asked her to cheat for him. Once again it's sunshine, candy and rainbows in the land of puppy love, and they go inside to watch the generically titled "Sports Channel."
Danny's polishing baseball bats with Rusty and ew, that sounds wicked dirty. Stephanie comes in with a boy and they are followed by DJ, whom Stephanie's apparently been ignoring the entire walk home. Stephanie is all google-eyed as she introduces the strapping young lad as "My Brett." She quickly corrects herself and explains it's her friend Brett who plays for the Cubs with a batting average of .421 with 6 stolen bases and one error that was the result of when a ball hit a rock and therefore it wasn't really his fault. Rusty is on the rival Giants and begins talking smack to Brett until Danny sends Brett away. Danny tells Rusty that he's going to teach him the fine art of how to slide without getting dirty.
Girl talk upstairs! Steph asks DJ how to tell if Brett likes her and says that her heart beats "Brett Brett, Brett Brett." She asks DJ for advice and she suggests that they hang out together and see if there's romantic prospects. Stephanie asks how it's possible that with all of this sage advice and experience, DJ doesn't have a boyfriend. DJ explains that she's been playing hard to get, and Steph deadpans, "Oh. Well you're going a really great job."
Jesse and Becky are ready to break in their new apartment, formerly known as Danny's attic, now to be known as the "attipartment". Jesse unveils the piece de resistance: the bed that comes out of the wall. Becky remarks, "Oo, that is really tacky... but I love it." You would, you kinky Nebraskan freak! Just then they are interrupted by a troll who greets them, "Hello Mr. and Mrs. Katsopolis." That's right, it's Ug. Jesse sarcastically replies, "Oh goody, Michelle's here." Ha! That's how I feel every time she enters a scene too! Jesse and Becky try to gently tell her that they want to be alone, and Michelle looks around the empty attipartment and says that they are alone, silly. Jesse launches Michelle into the air under the guise of playing airplane and lands her outside the door, closing and locking it behind her. Obviously, I'd be annoyed as shit too, but uh, this is kind of the reason why you don't move back home after you get married, fuckwit.
Michelle is still outside the door hollering, and eventually concedes, "Fine! I'm leaving... but you're gonna miss me!" Somehow... I doubt it. She stomps into Joey's room where he's working on filing his taxes and apparently he owes a shit ton of money. He's contemplating the likelihood of being able to write off $10K citing "business dinners at the Sizzler." Whoa, hold up there Gladstone: YOU DROPPED $10K AT THE FUCKING SIZZLER??!?!
Time for everyone's favorite Milkman segue into a real life, not necessarily related anecdote. There's this dude I worked with and he had a really shitty car that was always breaking down and even though he made the most money out of all of us, he somehow couldn't manage to pay for either a new car, or to fix his old car to get it back on the road. This was confusing to the rest of us, until one day one of his friends got drunk and told one of the big workplace blabbermouth bitches that the reason he was so in debt was because he spent $3000 renting porn on his cable bill. The worst thing is that they were all "Daddy's Little Girls." He dropped 3 THOUSAND DOLLARS renting the same porn over and over again (and a few others, I'm sure). Dude, just spend 40 bucks on the DVD. Eventually he paid off his massive porn bill and got a new car and was slightly more fiscally responsible (sans the nasty Crown Royal and Coke habit), and he's since moved away, but I'll always remember the ridiculous porn bill.
Joey tries to explain to Michelle that being newlyweds, Jesse and Becky want their privacy. She asks what they want that for and Joey says they need it "to... do their taxes." Ah, the neverending slew of euphemisms for sexual intercourse. Michelle asks if they're going to be doing their "taxis" [sic, her idiot ass] every night? And Joey replies that they will for the first couple of months. And gross, does he really need to delve that far into the Katsopolis sexcapades?
In the attipartment of sin, Jesse and Becky are trying to get it on with some sexytime, and they are interrupted yet again by a knock on the door. Jesse tries to tell Michelle that they're sleeping and is startled when he's answered by Joey's voice questioning why he's talking then. Somehow, Jesse manages to turn the tables and force Joey to play with Michelle and get the Ug out of their hair.
The next day, Stephanie decides that she wants to play Little League too, in order to get closer to Brett. She throws and Rusty remarks that "the babe's got an arm." Danny takes slight offense to the reference of his young daughter as a babe, but does recognize her natural skillz and asks her to pitch for the Giants. Steph throws a nasty curve ball which Rusty dubs the Tanner Twister, the namesake of this blog. Stephanie is stoked and remarks "I love being a jock."
The next day is the big baseball game showdown between the Giants and the Cubs. Danny tells the guys how excited Michelle is because he told her she could be batboy. Now, I know this is probably going to destroy all of my street-cred, but just then Ug walks in dressed in a Batman costume and I might have actually chuckled a bit. But, I tend to think of it as laughing at her stupidity, rather than anything she did intentionally to be funny.
Brett Brett comes in to visit Steph and wish her luck before the game. He shows her that he drew an "ST" with a heart around it on his bat and declares her to be his girlfriend. Stephanie's creaming her jeans over this gesture and Brett passive aggressively mentions that he's a little afraid to face her and the Twister (cough, PUSSY, cough) and doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of his family and suggests that maybe she throw him a few easy ones. Stephanie is hesitant and Brett apparently doesn't notice her discomfort with the situation and thinks she's onboard.
It's game time. Steph's apparently pitching a great game and Joey is sitting at a table and commentating over a loudspeaker and like really? Do they need color commentary and play by plays for a little league game? Is that common practice and was I just snubbed because as a girl I played the lowly softball rather than little league baseball? Brett's up to bat and Joey has given him the moniker of "Danger Brett Davis." Last time he was up he hit a double and now he hits a homerun. I guess Steph decided to go along with the plan.
Now changed out of her Batman costume, she's now in a Giants shirt. But it's a t-shirt for the NY Giants football team rather than the SF Giants baseball team. Grrr, shit like that annoys me. Stephanie's up to bat and is thrown out at first and Jesse throws a fit arguing with the umpire until Danny tells him that she was out. Once Jesse settles down and is back in his seat, Becky promises him a snow cone if he behaves and Jesse simply replies, "I like cherry." Hee!
Naturally, the game comes down to Brett's final at-bat. She has 2 strikes on him and Joey remarks that you can cut the tension with a knife. He then covers the mic and yells for a hot dog. Stephanie signals for Danny to come to the mound and asks him to send DJ to her. Joey thinks they're bringing in another pitcher "wait no, another daughter." As DJ runs to the mound Joey profiles her as someone who "loves the mall and the beach and spends hours in the bathroom." DJ is rightfully mortified by the latter half and chastises Joey for it. Steph asks DJ what to do and DJ says that if Brett's for real, she shouldn't need to throw the game for him.
Joey comments that this game's a real nailbiter and again covers the mic, this time calling for nachos. Stephanie throws the Tanner Twister and strikes him out. Everyone rejoices and I'm sorry but that is waaaayyyyy too much excitement over a season opener victory. Stephanie is hoisted onto the shoulders of her teammates as she notices Brett kicking at the ground and looking utterly dejected, and is unable to relish in her victory. Wow, Brett's really bringing the bitchassness, isn't he?
But, all is well when Brett comes by the Tanner house to congratulate Steph on her win and apologize citing that he should have never asked her to cheat for him. Once again it's sunshine, candy and rainbows in the land of puppy love, and they go inside to watch the generically titled "Sports Channel."
Thursday, May 8, 2008
"Well, I can see by the hole in the wall that it's time for me to go." or The Hole in the Wall Gang (4.21)
Oops, was running errands and missed the intro bit to this episode. My guess is it probably involved Ug doing something obnoxious that only the most feeble-minded viewers would construe as "cute."
Jesse and Becky are moving back into the Tanner house and Jesse is trying to single-handedly perform all of the construction tasks to convert the attic into an apartment. He turns off the water just as Danny's about to rinse his shampoo out. When Danny complains, he squeegees his head. Hee.
They're not the only ones moving. Stephanie is moving all of her stuff back into the room she previously shared with DJ. DJ and Kimmy are experimenting with different cosmetics and Kimmy tries on some orange lipstick. It actual doesn't look as horrible as you'd imagine, it actually suits her coloring and personality, so I actually kind of like it. DJ however, vetoes it and tells her that it's a good look if she's "dating Ronald McDonald." Ouch.
Up in the attic/apartment, Jesse has successfully installed a working light switch. And it only took him 4 days. God damn. Is Jesse even a qualified electrician? I knew he was an exterminator, advertiser, and quasi-mechanic, but this trade seems a little bit out of his reach. Meh, I'll stop nit-picking... this topic, that is.
Just then Danny comes in with wet hair, apparently Jesse shut off the electricity as Danny was attempting to blowdry his hair. The DanMan begins to wonder if Jesse's purposely trying to fuck with him. Becky is getting exasperated about the length of the process of converting the attic into their new abode and convinces Jesse to let Joey assist him.
In the girls' shared room, Stephanie has redecorated her side of the room, now complete with a Nelson poster! Bwah! Afteeer the raaaainn! I can't live without your love and affection! Stephanie is also rocking the same uber hairsprayed bang-y style as DJ and a near identical outfit with a slightly different colored shirt. Stephanie has their night planned out with mature yougn women of the 90s activities: watch MTV, call boys and shave their legs! Danny thinks it's cute that they're dressed the same. DJ begs to differ.
DJ and Kimmy are going to the mall and Stephanie invites herself to tag along. DJ goes to Danny's room for a dress shirt and tie to wear, and what do you know? Avril Lavigne was scamming style tips off of DJ Tanner. I always knew she was like the biggest poser ever! Kimmy seizes this rare opportunity of being unsupervised in the TanMan's room to try and fuck with his OCD self and subtly mess up the order of his room. Stephanie naturally tries to follow and replicate DJ's outfit, and as they're playing tug of war with a shirt, they bring down the beam in the closet, knocking all of Danny's carefully organized shirts to the ground.
DJ and Stephanie grab hold of either side of the pole and argue over whose fault it is. They pull it back and forth between them and finally Steph releases it and the force throws DJ and the beam backwards and punches a hole in the wall beside Danny's dresser. DJ is horrified and asks what they're going to do. Stephanie's solution? "I know! Let's blame Kimmy!"
The girls go up to the atticpartment and ask Joey and Jesse, hypothetically, how they would fix it if Joey punched a hole in the wall. Jesse says that would never happen because he doesn't let Joey touch any tools. Finally, Jesse outlines the process for them. The girls misdirect their attention by question the level of a window frame, and while their backs are turned, Steph and DJ make a run for it with the needed supplies to patch up the hole.
Jesse orders Joey around, telling him to get electrical tape, and Joey responds doing an Igor impression. Jesse proclaims himself the king of home improvement (though I believe that crown has been firmly planted on Tim Allen's head) and declares Joey the court jester. Jesse is working on his tacky bed that comes out of the wall and manages to close himself into the wall trapped behind the bed. Fortunately for him, there's a little cabinet adjacent to the bed, that Joey opens up to mock him through.
Joey forces Jesse to apologize before agreeing to free him, and once he establishes that Jesse is truly stuck, he takes this opportunity to do something that he's always wanted to do: muss up Jesse's perfect coif.
In Danny's room, the girls have "successfully" covered the hole. The reason for the quotes is that although the hole is covered, it looks like shit. They slide all of Danny's furniture over to cover the hole, and send Ug out as a distraction to delay Danny so that they have time to rearrange the room. You never see them move the supplies out of the room and it probably reeks like paint so I don't know how they're really expecting to get away with this?
Even when faced with the most simple task, Ug fails miserably, but somehow the girls have managed to pull their moves off anyway. Her master distraction tactic? Telling Danny her phone number... with her eyes closed. Danny: "She even told me her phone number with her eyes closed... the question is, why did she?" DJ and Steph quickly come up with a story that they were in his room looking for inspiration to write a song about him. Danny's not sold and demands that they sing the song for him and they wing it:
"Dad dad dad dad,
He's our Dad, and he has a really clean room
He keeps it that way with a mop and a broom!
It's pretty heinous, and Danny's not really buying it, but he's had a hard day so he let's this excuse slide. Danny tries to place his wallet on his bureau and hang his coat on the rack, and misses due to the furniture shift. He comments that he must be a little off, and decides to take a nap. The girls leave him to rest in peace and urge him not to miss the bed.
Back in their shared room, the girls are stoked that they actually got away with something and can't believe their good fortune in Danny's fatigue inspired gullibility. They remark that the experience has brought them closer together and I'm amazed because I think this is truly the only time in the entire duration of the series that any of the girls successfully get away with doing something bad.
Michelle copies Steph and she comments how annoying it is. DJ is pretty much like "No shit, Sherlock. Now you know how I feel." DJ tells Stephanie that she's in the works to be a pretty cool teenager eventually, but until then, she should just be her cool pre-teen self and not obsess over emulating DJ's every move. Just then, Ug comes in in the same outfit as DJ and Stephanie, a pinkish long sleeve off shoulder shirt with matching socks, black biker shorts, black tank top underneath and black shoes, teased hair, dangly earrings.
Danny comes in, figured out what was amiss, someone moved baking soda in his underwear drawer. Which begs the question, why WAS kimmy in his underwear drawer?
Jesse and Becky are moving back into the Tanner house and Jesse is trying to single-handedly perform all of the construction tasks to convert the attic into an apartment. He turns off the water just as Danny's about to rinse his shampoo out. When Danny complains, he squeegees his head. Hee.
They're not the only ones moving. Stephanie is moving all of her stuff back into the room she previously shared with DJ. DJ and Kimmy are experimenting with different cosmetics and Kimmy tries on some orange lipstick. It actual doesn't look as horrible as you'd imagine, it actually suits her coloring and personality, so I actually kind of like it. DJ however, vetoes it and tells her that it's a good look if she's "dating Ronald McDonald." Ouch.
Up in the attic/apartment, Jesse has successfully installed a working light switch. And it only took him 4 days. God damn. Is Jesse even a qualified electrician? I knew he was an exterminator, advertiser, and quasi-mechanic, but this trade seems a little bit out of his reach. Meh, I'll stop nit-picking... this topic, that is.
Just then Danny comes in with wet hair, apparently Jesse shut off the electricity as Danny was attempting to blowdry his hair. The DanMan begins to wonder if Jesse's purposely trying to fuck with him. Becky is getting exasperated about the length of the process of converting the attic into their new abode and convinces Jesse to let Joey assist him.
In the girls' shared room, Stephanie has redecorated her side of the room, now complete with a Nelson poster! Bwah! Afteeer the raaaainn! I can't live without your love and affection! Stephanie is also rocking the same uber hairsprayed bang-y style as DJ and a near identical outfit with a slightly different colored shirt. Stephanie has their night planned out with mature yougn women of the 90s activities: watch MTV, call boys and shave their legs! Danny thinks it's cute that they're dressed the same. DJ begs to differ.
DJ and Kimmy are going to the mall and Stephanie invites herself to tag along. DJ goes to Danny's room for a dress shirt and tie to wear, and what do you know? Avril Lavigne was scamming style tips off of DJ Tanner. I always knew she was like the biggest poser ever! Kimmy seizes this rare opportunity of being unsupervised in the TanMan's room to try and fuck with his OCD self and subtly mess up the order of his room. Stephanie naturally tries to follow and replicate DJ's outfit, and as they're playing tug of war with a shirt, they bring down the beam in the closet, knocking all of Danny's carefully organized shirts to the ground.
DJ and Stephanie grab hold of either side of the pole and argue over whose fault it is. They pull it back and forth between them and finally Steph releases it and the force throws DJ and the beam backwards and punches a hole in the wall beside Danny's dresser. DJ is horrified and asks what they're going to do. Stephanie's solution? "I know! Let's blame Kimmy!"
The girls go up to the atticpartment and ask Joey and Jesse, hypothetically, how they would fix it if Joey punched a hole in the wall. Jesse says that would never happen because he doesn't let Joey touch any tools. Finally, Jesse outlines the process for them. The girls misdirect their attention by question the level of a window frame, and while their backs are turned, Steph and DJ make a run for it with the needed supplies to patch up the hole.
Jesse orders Joey around, telling him to get electrical tape, and Joey responds doing an Igor impression. Jesse proclaims himself the king of home improvement (though I believe that crown has been firmly planted on Tim Allen's head) and declares Joey the court jester. Jesse is working on his tacky bed that comes out of the wall and manages to close himself into the wall trapped behind the bed. Fortunately for him, there's a little cabinet adjacent to the bed, that Joey opens up to mock him through.
Joey forces Jesse to apologize before agreeing to free him, and once he establishes that Jesse is truly stuck, he takes this opportunity to do something that he's always wanted to do: muss up Jesse's perfect coif.
In Danny's room, the girls have "successfully" covered the hole. The reason for the quotes is that although the hole is covered, it looks like shit. They slide all of Danny's furniture over to cover the hole, and send Ug out as a distraction to delay Danny so that they have time to rearrange the room. You never see them move the supplies out of the room and it probably reeks like paint so I don't know how they're really expecting to get away with this?
Even when faced with the most simple task, Ug fails miserably, but somehow the girls have managed to pull their moves off anyway. Her master distraction tactic? Telling Danny her phone number... with her eyes closed. Danny: "She even told me her phone number with her eyes closed... the question is, why did she?" DJ and Steph quickly come up with a story that they were in his room looking for inspiration to write a song about him. Danny's not sold and demands that they sing the song for him and they wing it:
"Dad dad dad dad,
He's our Dad, and he has a really clean room
He keeps it that way with a mop and a broom!
It's pretty heinous, and Danny's not really buying it, but he's had a hard day so he let's this excuse slide. Danny tries to place his wallet on his bureau and hang his coat on the rack, and misses due to the furniture shift. He comments that he must be a little off, and decides to take a nap. The girls leave him to rest in peace and urge him not to miss the bed.
Back in their shared room, the girls are stoked that they actually got away with something and can't believe their good fortune in Danny's fatigue inspired gullibility. They remark that the experience has brought them closer together and I'm amazed because I think this is truly the only time in the entire duration of the series that any of the girls successfully get away with doing something bad.
Michelle copies Steph and she comments how annoying it is. DJ is pretty much like "No shit, Sherlock. Now you know how I feel." DJ tells Stephanie that she's in the works to be a pretty cool teenager eventually, but until then, she should just be her cool pre-teen self and not obsess over emulating DJ's every move. Just then, Ug comes in in the same outfit as DJ and Stephanie, a pinkish long sleeve off shoulder shirt with matching socks, black biker shorts, black tank top underneath and black shoes, teased hair, dangly earrings.
Danny comes in, figured out what was amiss, someone moved baking soda in his underwear drawer. Which begs the question, why WAS kimmy in his underwear drawer?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
"And now? Well, your hair's a little shorter in the back." or Fuller House (4.20)
Sorry for being a total slagass, I was promoted at work and have had to put in a lot more hours training new people and shit, and I've kickstarted my social life, so I haven't had much downtime for straight up blogging. I promise to get better about it, I swear! And I'm not going to lie, this recap is a pretty UgCentric episode. But, she's pretty miserable and on the verge of tears for nearly all of it, so it's almost worth it... even though she (like always) gets her way in the end.
Holy shit! It's not a Michelle intro! Stephanie is in her room and Danny comes in to say that he talked with her teacher and apparently she needs some help with fractions. Just then they're interrupted by... Michelle. Damn you, writers! You just couldn't leave well enough alone could you? Heaven forbid we just have 1 minute of uninterrupted Danny and Stephanie face time without you thrusting le Ug onto our screens. Curse you! Anyway, UgTot's all excited because Jesse and Becky are back from their honeymoon.
The entire family bumrushes the newlyweds and they're about to watch all of the wedding/honeymoon videos, until Becky gently reminds him that they really need to pack all of his shit into boxes for the move to Becky's apartment. The family goes off to help except for Ug who is left behind looking sad. Becky notices this and asks what's wrong and she's all emo about Jesse leaving and Becky assures her that they'll still be one big happy family. She tries to convey the excitement of moving day and mistakenly gives Michelle the impression that they'll all be moving into her apartment. I'm salivating at the prospect of Michelle's impending heartbreak when she's given a dose of reality.
Joey attempts to give Stephanie a fractions lesson via cupcakes, which she passes off to Kimmy and DJ to stop the lesson in its tracks. Kimmy asks Stephanie when she's planning on moving into Jesse's old room, and DJ says that she doesn't have to move... because they'll move for her. In the room de fug, Ug is packing up all of her shit and enlists the assistance of Comet to close her suitcase.
Joey is helping Jesse transport his boxes and picks up a particularly heavy one which is filled with Jesse's hair care products. Jesse instructs him to place that box in the front seat and buckle it in tightly. Hee. Danny and Jesse reminisce about the day Jesse moved in and we're treated to a flashback from the pilot episode. In present day, Danny thanks Jesse for all that he's done to help raise the girls and tough guy Jesse softens and gives Danny a hug.
The entire family comes in and "Awww"'s at the display of affection and then Ug comes in and says that she's all ready to move. Danny explains that she's a little confused and that they're not all moving, just Jesse. She runs off and Jesse goes to explain the situation (he's married, and husbands live with their wives) and they exchange parting gifts. Jesse leaves Michelle the lone pink bunny from his room, and she gives him her stuffed pig. Then we get close-ups of each other them crying a lone tear and it's just sooooooo emo. Seriously, Uncle Jesse clutching a pink stuffed pig and crying? So lame!
Jesse and Becky are crossing the threshold of her apartment, ie. their new home together. They collapse onto the couch together, basking in the afterglow of married life and Jesse notices that it's about the time when he'd be singing Michelle to sleep. He launches into a melancholy version of "Teddy Bear" to himself and we cut to across town where Danny and Joey are singing for Ug. They obviously lack the sex appealz and singing skillz of Uncle Jesse.
The next day at breakfast, Danny puts down a heaping plate of golden delicious looking pancakes and Michelle grabs the entire stack towards her and says that he better make more because "these people look hungry." Hahaha, except not, you greedy pig fucker Ug. Jesse and Becky pop in to join the fam for breakfast and Jesse's all miffed that he missed Michelle being so "hilarious." I say consider yourself lucky, Jess.
Danny and Joey decide to use this visitation as a segue into a fraction lesson. They describe the family as being 7/7 and ask what they have left when they subtract Jesse and Becky. Turns out Stephanie isn't a complete moron and figures out that 7/7-2/7=5/7. Way to go. Becky senses that Jesse is super happy to be back in the Tanner home, and tells him that the exterminator is spraying for termites in her apartment and asks Danny if it's alright for them to spend the night in the attic. Jesse is like way too retardedly excited about this, as is Ug who is stoked to have Jesse to sing the "Teddy Bear" song to her bratty ass.
That night, Becky tells Jesse that she has a confession to make. She says that there were no termites, prompting Jesse to worriedly ask if it was silverfish, noting that he hates silverfish. I enjoy the shout out to his past as an exterminator. But no, it's not silverfish, Becky confesses that she thought Jesse could use a family reunion for the night and suggests that they convert the attic into an apartment for them to live in while they save up money for their first house. He concedes and Becky pokes her head out the door and calls for the family citing that "He went for it!"
The family runs in and gushes over how great it is to have Jesse back. And it's been like what dude? A day? Talk about a family with co-dependency issues! They have it all worked out. The guys will move their recording equipment into the basement, Joey will move into Jesse's old bedroom and that means... Stephanie is moving back in with DJ. Steph turns to her big sis with a shit-eating grin and proclaims "Honey, I'm home!" DJ is less than thrilled but sucks it up because to her, it's worth it to have Jesse back.
Jesse is feeling all warm and fuzzy inside and declares he's the luckiest man in the world. Um... okay. Keep on thinking that. Ug waddles over and hangs up the pig picture on the attic and declares that now it's officially Jesse's new home. She tells the guys to hit it and the entire family launches into "Teddy Bear" and I know they're all smiles and shits and giggles right now, but if this shit were real, you know Becky would be over this shit and Jesse's creepy overly involved relationship with Ug in like 3 days.
Holy shit! It's not a Michelle intro! Stephanie is in her room and Danny comes in to say that he talked with her teacher and apparently she needs some help with fractions. Just then they're interrupted by... Michelle. Damn you, writers! You just couldn't leave well enough alone could you? Heaven forbid we just have 1 minute of uninterrupted Danny and Stephanie face time without you thrusting le Ug onto our screens. Curse you! Anyway, UgTot's all excited because Jesse and Becky are back from their honeymoon.
The entire family bumrushes the newlyweds and they're about to watch all of the wedding/honeymoon videos, until Becky gently reminds him that they really need to pack all of his shit into boxes for the move to Becky's apartment. The family goes off to help except for Ug who is left behind looking sad. Becky notices this and asks what's wrong and she's all emo about Jesse leaving and Becky assures her that they'll still be one big happy family. She tries to convey the excitement of moving day and mistakenly gives Michelle the impression that they'll all be moving into her apartment. I'm salivating at the prospect of Michelle's impending heartbreak when she's given a dose of reality.
Joey attempts to give Stephanie a fractions lesson via cupcakes, which she passes off to Kimmy and DJ to stop the lesson in its tracks. Kimmy asks Stephanie when she's planning on moving into Jesse's old room, and DJ says that she doesn't have to move... because they'll move for her. In the room de fug, Ug is packing up all of her shit and enlists the assistance of Comet to close her suitcase.
Joey is helping Jesse transport his boxes and picks up a particularly heavy one which is filled with Jesse's hair care products. Jesse instructs him to place that box in the front seat and buckle it in tightly. Hee. Danny and Jesse reminisce about the day Jesse moved in and we're treated to a flashback from the pilot episode. In present day, Danny thanks Jesse for all that he's done to help raise the girls and tough guy Jesse softens and gives Danny a hug.
The entire family comes in and "Awww"'s at the display of affection and then Ug comes in and says that she's all ready to move. Danny explains that she's a little confused and that they're not all moving, just Jesse. She runs off and Jesse goes to explain the situation (he's married, and husbands live with their wives) and they exchange parting gifts. Jesse leaves Michelle the lone pink bunny from his room, and she gives him her stuffed pig. Then we get close-ups of each other them crying a lone tear and it's just sooooooo emo. Seriously, Uncle Jesse clutching a pink stuffed pig and crying? So lame!
Jesse and Becky are crossing the threshold of her apartment, ie. their new home together. They collapse onto the couch together, basking in the afterglow of married life and Jesse notices that it's about the time when he'd be singing Michelle to sleep. He launches into a melancholy version of "Teddy Bear" to himself and we cut to across town where Danny and Joey are singing for Ug. They obviously lack the sex appealz and singing skillz of Uncle Jesse.
The next day at breakfast, Danny puts down a heaping plate of golden delicious looking pancakes and Michelle grabs the entire stack towards her and says that he better make more because "these people look hungry." Hahaha, except not, you greedy pig fucker Ug. Jesse and Becky pop in to join the fam for breakfast and Jesse's all miffed that he missed Michelle being so "hilarious." I say consider yourself lucky, Jess.
Danny and Joey decide to use this visitation as a segue into a fraction lesson. They describe the family as being 7/7 and ask what they have left when they subtract Jesse and Becky. Turns out Stephanie isn't a complete moron and figures out that 7/7-2/7=5/7. Way to go. Becky senses that Jesse is super happy to be back in the Tanner home, and tells him that the exterminator is spraying for termites in her apartment and asks Danny if it's alright for them to spend the night in the attic. Jesse is like way too retardedly excited about this, as is Ug who is stoked to have Jesse to sing the "Teddy Bear" song to her bratty ass.
That night, Becky tells Jesse that she has a confession to make. She says that there were no termites, prompting Jesse to worriedly ask if it was silverfish, noting that he hates silverfish. I enjoy the shout out to his past as an exterminator. But no, it's not silverfish, Becky confesses that she thought Jesse could use a family reunion for the night and suggests that they convert the attic into an apartment for them to live in while they save up money for their first house. He concedes and Becky pokes her head out the door and calls for the family citing that "He went for it!"
The family runs in and gushes over how great it is to have Jesse back. And it's been like what dude? A day? Talk about a family with co-dependency issues! They have it all worked out. The guys will move their recording equipment into the basement, Joey will move into Jesse's old bedroom and that means... Stephanie is moving back in with DJ. Steph turns to her big sis with a shit-eating grin and proclaims "Honey, I'm home!" DJ is less than thrilled but sucks it up because to her, it's worth it to have Jesse back.
Jesse is feeling all warm and fuzzy inside and declares he's the luckiest man in the world. Um... okay. Keep on thinking that. Ug waddles over and hangs up the pig picture on the attic and declares that now it's officially Jesse's new home. She tells the guys to hit it and the entire family launches into "Teddy Bear" and I know they're all smiles and shits and giggles right now, but if this shit were real, you know Becky would be over this shit and Jesse's creepy overly involved relationship with Ug in like 3 days.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
"Yep, he's clean... as a doornail." or A Fish Called Martin (4.17)
Jesse and the Rippers are rehearsing in the living room with special guest guitarist, UgTot Tanner. Gee, I can't imagine why the band kicks Jesse out later on in the series when he pulls stunts like these. They play" Doo-Waa Ditty" featuring Michelle on backing vocals. Once they're done, she does some Celine Dion chest thumps and demands they play "I'm a Little Teapot." Why? Why do these grown ass people kowtow to a 4 year old? Ridiculous!
Jesse and Becky are macking on the living room couch, eagerly awaiting their upcoming wedding. Becky drops the bombshell that in her family, they have a tradition of doing a square dance and Jesse is firmly against the idea. Joey, Danny and Michelle come in from a day at the carnival with Michelle toting a goldfish she won. At 25 cents a throw, it only cost Danny $18.50. They ask where DJ and Stephanie are, and Danny says DJ is out saying goodbye to a boy she met at the carnival and he sent Stephanie to spy on them.
On the stoop DJ's chatting with Bobby, a dude who wears his hat perched oddly atop his head. He's a total gearhead (that's the slang for someone who's obsessed with cars, right?) so DJ feigns interest in cars. When asked her favorite she replies "red." Hee. Bobby says that he'll call her tomorrow to talk about cars. Bo-ring. Stephanie mocks DJ's pitiful display and rightfully so.
Joey is helping Ug set up her fish in a bowl and asks whether it's a boy or a girl. She doesn't know, so he asks what the fish's name is, and she settles on Martin. He gives Michelle some tips for taking care of her fish and she takes off to take him for a walk.
Becky corners Jesse in his room and tries to give him a square dancing lesson. Thankfully, he's saved by the interruption of DJ asking to borrow his car magazines. She pretends that she suddenly developed an interest in cars and wants to expand her horizons with a new hobby and finally fesses up that it's because of a boy. Becky says that you shouldn't pretend to like something to impress someone you're interested in. Jesse asks if that means he doesn't have to square dance. Becky the hypocrite says that's different, as she doesn't care if he hates it, he's going to have to do it regardless.
We see Michelle putting all of her bath toys into a freshly drawn bubble bath. Joey comes in and lectures her that she knows she isn't supposed to take a bath by herself. She replies that she's not, and Joey notices the empty fishbowl and it dawns on him that Michelle put Martin in there. He frantically tries to scoop him out in time but he's too late. Michelle is an r-tard and says that she was trying to keep him clean, as Joey told her, and thinks the fish is sleeping. Joey doesn't have the heart to tell her yet, so he goes to Danny and Jesse.
After much delay, the men finally sack up and go to break the news to Michelle about her fish. Jesse and Joey are unable to drop the bomb, so it's up to Danny. He tells her that Martin died, and when she asks why, Joey tells her it was the bubble bath. Danny takes the bowl to give him a burial at sea. Ug asks if Martin's being sent to the ocean, to which Jesse replies, "...Eventually." Bwah.
The next day the guys have a surprise for Michelle. They have purchased her a new pet fish named Freddy who lives in a legitimate tank with gravel, a filter and "a live-in snail that cleans the tank three times a week." Ug's hesitant to own another fish, so Jesse says that it will be the family fish and stay down here, so the responsibility isn't on her. Danny assures her that the fish will live a long long time. Jesse asks how he can promise that, and Danny shows him he's got a stash on replacements lined up should Freddy meet an untimely demise.
Stephanie is quizzing DJ on cars for her phone call from Bobby. She asks how many cylinders are in a 1966 Ford Mustang. She replies 300. Actual answer: 8. Stephanie throws her a bone asking how many questions she's gotten right. The answer: None! Ding ding ding! She finally got one right! Becky comes in and asks DJ if she wants to square dance and she says she's busing cramming for her phone call. Becky tells her she doesn't have to pretend to like something to impress a boy and that she should just be honest.
The phone rings and DJ tells Bobby that she thinks cars are boring and cause pollution. He promptly hangs up on her. Bwah! Becky comments "Wow, you're really handling this rejection well" and is it just me, or is that a really bitchy thing to say? Re-watching, I'm really not a Becky fan. Especially with all the pre-wedding shit. Talk about a Bridezilla. Oy and just wait for the pregnant episodes...
Square dancing time! They've formed a triangle of partners, and Becky assures them that it will me much more square once her parents join them. Jesse mutters something along the lines of "you ain't kidding." Becky, Danny and Joey take turns calling out moves and it ends with them doing the Alligator on the floor and Jesse ends up cracking a smile and laughing and enjoying himself. They're all kissy and oh, I can't wait to be married, and are interrupted by the cries of Ug.
Apparently something's happening to Freddy. The family rushes in and it turns out that Freddy is a Frida and she's giving birth to a bunch of baby fish. They remove Freddy from the tank to let the babies swim around uninterrupted and congratulate Ug on her maturity by calling for the family when she saw something happening. I... guess. She says "Thank you! Thank you!" and holds up her hands in two peace signs a la Richard Nixon and it's really quite bizarre. I hate Michelle.
Jesse and Becky are macking on the living room couch, eagerly awaiting their upcoming wedding. Becky drops the bombshell that in her family, they have a tradition of doing a square dance and Jesse is firmly against the idea. Joey, Danny and Michelle come in from a day at the carnival with Michelle toting a goldfish she won. At 25 cents a throw, it only cost Danny $18.50. They ask where DJ and Stephanie are, and Danny says DJ is out saying goodbye to a boy she met at the carnival and he sent Stephanie to spy on them.
On the stoop DJ's chatting with Bobby, a dude who wears his hat perched oddly atop his head. He's a total gearhead (that's the slang for someone who's obsessed with cars, right?) so DJ feigns interest in cars. When asked her favorite she replies "red." Hee. Bobby says that he'll call her tomorrow to talk about cars. Bo-ring. Stephanie mocks DJ's pitiful display and rightfully so.
Joey is helping Ug set up her fish in a bowl and asks whether it's a boy or a girl. She doesn't know, so he asks what the fish's name is, and she settles on Martin. He gives Michelle some tips for taking care of her fish and she takes off to take him for a walk.
Becky corners Jesse in his room and tries to give him a square dancing lesson. Thankfully, he's saved by the interruption of DJ asking to borrow his car magazines. She pretends that she suddenly developed an interest in cars and wants to expand her horizons with a new hobby and finally fesses up that it's because of a boy. Becky says that you shouldn't pretend to like something to impress someone you're interested in. Jesse asks if that means he doesn't have to square dance. Becky the hypocrite says that's different, as she doesn't care if he hates it, he's going to have to do it regardless.
We see Michelle putting all of her bath toys into a freshly drawn bubble bath. Joey comes in and lectures her that she knows she isn't supposed to take a bath by herself. She replies that she's not, and Joey notices the empty fishbowl and it dawns on him that Michelle put Martin in there. He frantically tries to scoop him out in time but he's too late. Michelle is an r-tard and says that she was trying to keep him clean, as Joey told her, and thinks the fish is sleeping. Joey doesn't have the heart to tell her yet, so he goes to Danny and Jesse.
After much delay, the men finally sack up and go to break the news to Michelle about her fish. Jesse and Joey are unable to drop the bomb, so it's up to Danny. He tells her that Martin died, and when she asks why, Joey tells her it was the bubble bath. Danny takes the bowl to give him a burial at sea. Ug asks if Martin's being sent to the ocean, to which Jesse replies, "...Eventually." Bwah.
The next day the guys have a surprise for Michelle. They have purchased her a new pet fish named Freddy who lives in a legitimate tank with gravel, a filter and "a live-in snail that cleans the tank three times a week." Ug's hesitant to own another fish, so Jesse says that it will be the family fish and stay down here, so the responsibility isn't on her. Danny assures her that the fish will live a long long time. Jesse asks how he can promise that, and Danny shows him he's got a stash on replacements lined up should Freddy meet an untimely demise.
Stephanie is quizzing DJ on cars for her phone call from Bobby. She asks how many cylinders are in a 1966 Ford Mustang. She replies 300. Actual answer: 8. Stephanie throws her a bone asking how many questions she's gotten right. The answer: None! Ding ding ding! She finally got one right! Becky comes in and asks DJ if she wants to square dance and she says she's busing cramming for her phone call. Becky tells her she doesn't have to pretend to like something to impress a boy and that she should just be honest.
The phone rings and DJ tells Bobby that she thinks cars are boring and cause pollution. He promptly hangs up on her. Bwah! Becky comments "Wow, you're really handling this rejection well" and is it just me, or is that a really bitchy thing to say? Re-watching, I'm really not a Becky fan. Especially with all the pre-wedding shit. Talk about a Bridezilla. Oy and just wait for the pregnant episodes...
Square dancing time! They've formed a triangle of partners, and Becky assures them that it will me much more square once her parents join them. Jesse mutters something along the lines of "you ain't kidding." Becky, Danny and Joey take turns calling out moves and it ends with them doing the Alligator on the floor and Jesse ends up cracking a smile and laughing and enjoying himself. They're all kissy and oh, I can't wait to be married, and are interrupted by the cries of Ug.
Apparently something's happening to Freddy. The family rushes in and it turns out that Freddy is a Frida and she's giving birth to a bunch of baby fish. They remove Freddy from the tank to let the babies swim around uninterrupted and congratulate Ug on her maturity by calling for the family when she saw something happening. I... guess. She says "Thank you! Thank you!" and holds up her hands in two peace signs a la Richard Nixon and it's really quite bizarre. I hate Michelle.
Friday, April 11, 2008
"Alright, a nickel! Alright, a Cheeto!" or Stephanie Gets Framed (4.16)
Ug brushing her teeth. Spitting in Danny's hand. Yuck. Why? Who thought this would be cute? It's not! It's pointless... and kind of gross. Just open with credits, no one needs this inane scene!
More Ug! When will it end? She's attempting to yo-yo, but can't make it pop back up. DJ comes in and tells her that since she's opened her own savings account, she's giving her her old piggy bank. Ug brats that there's no money and DJ advises her to make cute faces (impossible, I know) and go up to people and say, "Please feed my piggy." She tries it on DJ and she gives her a quarter. Deej, I thought you were better than that.
Stephanie comes in with a note from her teacher for Danny to sign. Apparently she's been having trouble reading and her teacher suggests that she should get her eyes checked because she might need glasses. Ruh roh, nerd alert! (Save the hate mail and please note that as indicated in the photo to the left, I have glasses so just chill the fuck out, my hypersensitive bespectacled readers).
Wedding planning in the kitchen. They decide that the waiters at the reception should wear white gloves and ugh. Really? Why? Jesse thinks that was the final decision they needed to make and Becky gently reminds him that he needs to select a best man. Becky puts Jesse on the spot by calling the other guys into the kitchen and forcing him to make a decision. Jesse doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and ultimately selects Joey.
Later, Danny is singing "Hang down your head, Tom Dooley" and "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" and guilting the shit out of Jesse. They are interrupted by DJ and her token black friend Julie, running in trying to avoid Julie's cousin Steve. It turns out to be none other than "Family Matters" stud, Steve Urkel. Jesse and Danny try to derail him, and Steve totally calls Danny on his (non)best man bitterness.
Jesse tells Steve that he can't help but notice that he walks like the hanger is still in his shirt and resurrects his lecture on "the strut" from last episode. Steve begins to launch into his life story and Danny and Jesse point him in the direction of DJ and Julie because they can't take the Urkel anymore.
Joey comes in with Stephanie and her new glasses, and she's majorly bummed. She thinks that the compliments she's receiving are just because they're her family. Her self-deprecating views cause Jesse to feel some insecurities about his own dweebiness in glasses. I have to say, those are some pretty fug frames she's toting, but such were the times. I can't say that my first pair was really at the height of fashion. They covered approximately 25% of my face.
DJ and Julie thought they've lost the Urkel, but to no avail. Ug asks Steve why he talks like Mickey Mouse, and my, she's a rude little brat isn't she? He says it's because he's from Chicago. Stephanie says she doesn't feel like having company, so Steve herds the girls out. He hangs behind to give her a pep talk about the wonders of spectacles. He says that in a class of 30, "there may be 15 or 20 misguided souls" who'll mock her glasses. Heh.
Jesse tries sucking up to Danny by offering to go clean grout with him. Danny knows he's just trying to be nice, and Jesse calls Joey into the room. He says he made a mistake and should have asked both of them to be his best men to begin with. They're mondo stoked that neither one has to be the dreaded head usher.
At school, Stephanie's teacher totally calls her out at Silent Reading time by announcing to the class that she got new glasses. After being put on center stage, Steph tries to deflect the attention off of her new glasses by busting out some joke glasses and making light of the situation before anyone can mock her. Her teacher gets pissed and it's like, come on lady, you know how kids are. Let her do what she needs to to save face.
Michelle's hunting for change in the sofa and finds a stale ass cheeto that she eats. Ewwww, gross. She hears the ice cream truck and desperately tries to get her money out. Dj tells her that she's supposed to be saving, not spending, and tells her there's some fudgsicles in the freezer. She whines that it's not the same. Fuck you bitch, I love fudgsicles! Joey comes in asking if he heard the ice cream truck, and DJ tells him that he just missed them. She also offers up the fudgsicles, and he complains that it's not the same.
Joey pops his head into Stephanie's room to see what she's up to. She's writing lines for school that read: "I will not disrupt the class." Joey asks what that's all about and she says she wanted to beat the kids to the punch and make it so she was laughing with them, and they weren't laughing at her. She tells him he can get his joke glasses back at the end of the school year. Joey makes her take a good look at herself in the mirror and shows her that she doesn't look that terrible, and that glasses give her an air of maturity.
I dunno, I still think those frames are pretty fug.
More Ug! When will it end? She's attempting to yo-yo, but can't make it pop back up. DJ comes in and tells her that since she's opened her own savings account, she's giving her her old piggy bank. Ug brats that there's no money and DJ advises her to make cute faces (impossible, I know) and go up to people and say, "Please feed my piggy." She tries it on DJ and she gives her a quarter. Deej, I thought you were better than that.
Stephanie comes in with a note from her teacher for Danny to sign. Apparently she's been having trouble reading and her teacher suggests that she should get her eyes checked because she might need glasses. Ruh roh, nerd alert! (Save the hate mail and please note that as indicated in the photo to the left, I have glasses so just chill the fuck out, my hypersensitive bespectacled readers).
Wedding planning in the kitchen. They decide that the waiters at the reception should wear white gloves and ugh. Really? Why? Jesse thinks that was the final decision they needed to make and Becky gently reminds him that he needs to select a best man. Becky puts Jesse on the spot by calling the other guys into the kitchen and forcing him to make a decision. Jesse doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and ultimately selects Joey.
Later, Danny is singing "Hang down your head, Tom Dooley" and "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" and guilting the shit out of Jesse. They are interrupted by DJ and her token black friend Julie, running in trying to avoid Julie's cousin Steve. It turns out to be none other than "Family Matters" stud, Steve Urkel. Jesse and Danny try to derail him, and Steve totally calls Danny on his (non)best man bitterness.
Jesse tells Steve that he can't help but notice that he walks like the hanger is still in his shirt and resurrects his lecture on "the strut" from last episode. Steve begins to launch into his life story and Danny and Jesse point him in the direction of DJ and Julie because they can't take the Urkel anymore.
Joey comes in with Stephanie and her new glasses, and she's majorly bummed. She thinks that the compliments she's receiving are just because they're her family. Her self-deprecating views cause Jesse to feel some insecurities about his own dweebiness in glasses. I have to say, those are some pretty fug frames she's toting, but such were the times. I can't say that my first pair was really at the height of fashion. They covered approximately 25% of my face.
DJ and Julie thought they've lost the Urkel, but to no avail. Ug asks Steve why he talks like Mickey Mouse, and my, she's a rude little brat isn't she? He says it's because he's from Chicago. Stephanie says she doesn't feel like having company, so Steve herds the girls out. He hangs behind to give her a pep talk about the wonders of spectacles. He says that in a class of 30, "there may be 15 or 20 misguided souls" who'll mock her glasses. Heh.
Jesse tries sucking up to Danny by offering to go clean grout with him. Danny knows he's just trying to be nice, and Jesse calls Joey into the room. He says he made a mistake and should have asked both of them to be his best men to begin with. They're mondo stoked that neither one has to be the dreaded head usher.
At school, Stephanie's teacher totally calls her out at Silent Reading time by announcing to the class that she got new glasses. After being put on center stage, Steph tries to deflect the attention off of her new glasses by busting out some joke glasses and making light of the situation before anyone can mock her. Her teacher gets pissed and it's like, come on lady, you know how kids are. Let her do what she needs to to save face.
Michelle's hunting for change in the sofa and finds a stale ass cheeto that she eats. Ewwww, gross. She hears the ice cream truck and desperately tries to get her money out. Dj tells her that she's supposed to be saving, not spending, and tells her there's some fudgsicles in the freezer. She whines that it's not the same. Fuck you bitch, I love fudgsicles! Joey comes in asking if he heard the ice cream truck, and DJ tells him that he just missed them. She also offers up the fudgsicles, and he complains that it's not the same.
Joey pops his head into Stephanie's room to see what she's up to. She's writing lines for school that read: "I will not disrupt the class." Joey asks what that's all about and she says she wanted to beat the kids to the punch and make it so she was laughing with them, and they weren't laughing at her. She tells him he can get his joke glasses back at the end of the school year. Joey makes her take a good look at herself in the mirror and shows her that she doesn't look that terrible, and that glasses give her an air of maturity.
I dunno, I still think those frames are pretty fug.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
"These leather pants really ride up." or Ol' Brown Eyes (4.15)
Before I begin my recap, I just want to direct your attention to my rapidly expanding list of "Blogs that don't suck" on the left hand side of the page. Even though I've gotten a lot better about consistently posting as of late, I've added a few more gems for you to peruse for those lapses in FH recaps. Those are: BSC Revisited, Fear Street, Saved By the Bell and now, for something completely different, The First Year Teacher. Enjoy these other blogs, but don't forget about me! I'm needy!
Onward with the recap-y goodness
Danny and Joey are sitting in the living room and Ug comes in singing "Loo Loo (Skip to my Loo)" and, because she's a total r-tard, doesn't know how to skip properly. Joey and Danny attempt to teach her how to skip, and Jesse comes down and gives all three a look of disdain. His advice to the fugly one? Skip the skipping and master the art of the strut. He demonstrates his own swagger and I swoon.
Stephanie has hidden Ug's doll and is telling her to find it via the Hot and Cold game. Way to go Steph! Finally, some pay back. As Ug begins searching, Stephanie gives her cooler and cooler temperatures until finally Ug reaches sub-Arctic temperatures, and when Steph questions her, she explains she wanted a cookie first. It's kind of hilarious what a pig Michelle was supposed to be when compared with how totally angular and ano the Olsens are today.
Jesse is in the living room planning out his wedding ring engravement. He wants to do all the lyrics of "Fools Rush In" until Joey reminds him they charge by the letter. Jesse settles on "Love Me Tender" instead. Becky comes down and asks Jesse if he's ready for some no-whining tuxedo shopping. He starts to go off on a whining tangent, and is cut off by a stern look from Becky. Homegirl's got his balls in a satchel that she probably keeps tucked away in a fanny pack.
DJ comes in finalizing plans for the fundraiser for her school newspaper. It's going to be at the Smash Club and feature Joey's comedy and Jesse's band. She urges Danny to keep his MC bits to a minimum as to not distract from the actual entertainment. Ouch. Burn. She goes off to Kimmy's and Danny laments that DJ doesn't find him to be "groovy." He plots to sing a song with Jesse's band.
Ug comes in wanting to play Hot and Cold and the entire family bails out like the room's on fire, making up lame excuses all the while. Left alone to her bratty devices, Ug spies their wedding ring, and remarks that they'll miss this if she hides it and then does an evil cackle. Little shit.
Later, Joey's freaking out looking for the ring and Michelle reveals that she hid it and instead of threatening to punish her, he lowers himself to playing her stupid game. Because it can't be said enough, I hate Michelle.
Danny comes out clothed in black leather and rocks out to The Who's "My Generation." Aside from some of his stage antics, the actual singing isn't that bad. You can see the Stamos cracking up in the background because of Saget's dance moves and it's a pretty awesome scene. DJ and Kimmy come in towards the end of the number and DJ is horrified to hear that Danny was planning on doing that performance in public, in front of all of her friends. Kimmy corrects her, "You mean, FORMER friends."
Danny's upset that his singing embarrassed DJ and the always helpful Kimmy Gibbler is still standing by to remind him that the clothing and the dancing probably didn't help either. She goes upstairs to help DJ pick up the pieces of her life. Danny and Jesse go talk in the kitchen, and Danny reminisces of a time that his father came to join him and his friends in tossing the football around, and he threw like a girl so Danny was forced to tell everyone that he hurt his arm in the war.
Danny goes to talk to DJ and tells her that he's not going to sing at the fundraiser, because he knows how she feels and doesn't want to embarrass her. DJ now feels bad for crushing her dad's dreams to sing onstage.
Downstairs, Joey is playing hot and cold with Michelle to find Jesse's ring and she leads him to the cookie jar. Only there's no ring in there. Joey is freaking out and insists that Michelle take him on a tour of everywhere she went with the ring that day. As he's crawling on the ground behind her, Jesse comes in and asks what they're up to. Joey tries to play it off, and Jesse persists that it looks like Joey is searching for something. Joey tries to deny it, but of course Ug pipes up that they're looking for a ring.
Jesse then puts Joey out of his misery by revealing that he already found the ring in the cookie jar, and Joey is relieved. My, that was an uneventful subplot.
Fundraiser. Jesse's band is playing and Kimmy hops onstage to dance with the irrepressibly hunky Uncle Jesse. He calls for security and has her hauled offstage. Kimmy tells DJ that the fundraiser was a success, Joey was funny, Jesse's band was great, and Danny barely said anything. Danny is about to wrap up the show, and calls DJ to the stage to give her props for organizing the event. She asks who'd like to hear one more song from the Rippers... with Danny as lead singer. He dedicates the song to her, and busts out in a Tanneriffic version of "My Girl." Aw, makes me think of my Dad, who used to sing that to me and my sister. Make no mistake about it, except for that choice in song, my Dad has very little in common with Danny Tanner.
Everyone gets up and dances, and DJ goes to give Danny a hug and aww, so nice. See Danny? You guys should always favor DJ, not Michelle. All that brat does is hide important things and eat cookies and "owce cweam."
Onward with the recap-y goodness
Danny and Joey are sitting in the living room and Ug comes in singing "Loo Loo (Skip to my Loo)" and, because she's a total r-tard, doesn't know how to skip properly. Joey and Danny attempt to teach her how to skip, and Jesse comes down and gives all three a look of disdain. His advice to the fugly one? Skip the skipping and master the art of the strut. He demonstrates his own swagger and I swoon.
Stephanie has hidden Ug's doll and is telling her to find it via the Hot and Cold game. Way to go Steph! Finally, some pay back. As Ug begins searching, Stephanie gives her cooler and cooler temperatures until finally Ug reaches sub-Arctic temperatures, and when Steph questions her, she explains she wanted a cookie first. It's kind of hilarious what a pig Michelle was supposed to be when compared with how totally angular and ano the Olsens are today.
Jesse is in the living room planning out his wedding ring engravement. He wants to do all the lyrics of "Fools Rush In" until Joey reminds him they charge by the letter. Jesse settles on "Love Me Tender" instead. Becky comes down and asks Jesse if he's ready for some no-whining tuxedo shopping. He starts to go off on a whining tangent, and is cut off by a stern look from Becky. Homegirl's got his balls in a satchel that she probably keeps tucked away in a fanny pack.
DJ comes in finalizing plans for the fundraiser for her school newspaper. It's going to be at the Smash Club and feature Joey's comedy and Jesse's band. She urges Danny to keep his MC bits to a minimum as to not distract from the actual entertainment. Ouch. Burn. She goes off to Kimmy's and Danny laments that DJ doesn't find him to be "groovy." He plots to sing a song with Jesse's band.
Ug comes in wanting to play Hot and Cold and the entire family bails out like the room's on fire, making up lame excuses all the while. Left alone to her bratty devices, Ug spies their wedding ring, and remarks that they'll miss this if she hides it and then does an evil cackle. Little shit.
Later, Joey's freaking out looking for the ring and Michelle reveals that she hid it and instead of threatening to punish her, he lowers himself to playing her stupid game. Because it can't be said enough, I hate Michelle.
Danny comes out clothed in black leather and rocks out to The Who's "My Generation." Aside from some of his stage antics, the actual singing isn't that bad. You can see the Stamos cracking up in the background because of Saget's dance moves and it's a pretty awesome scene. DJ and Kimmy come in towards the end of the number and DJ is horrified to hear that Danny was planning on doing that performance in public, in front of all of her friends. Kimmy corrects her, "You mean, FORMER friends."
Danny's upset that his singing embarrassed DJ and the always helpful Kimmy Gibbler is still standing by to remind him that the clothing and the dancing probably didn't help either. She goes upstairs to help DJ pick up the pieces of her life. Danny and Jesse go talk in the kitchen, and Danny reminisces of a time that his father came to join him and his friends in tossing the football around, and he threw like a girl so Danny was forced to tell everyone that he hurt his arm in the war.
Danny goes to talk to DJ and tells her that he's not going to sing at the fundraiser, because he knows how she feels and doesn't want to embarrass her. DJ now feels bad for crushing her dad's dreams to sing onstage.
Downstairs, Joey is playing hot and cold with Michelle to find Jesse's ring and she leads him to the cookie jar. Only there's no ring in there. Joey is freaking out and insists that Michelle take him on a tour of everywhere she went with the ring that day. As he's crawling on the ground behind her, Jesse comes in and asks what they're up to. Joey tries to play it off, and Jesse persists that it looks like Joey is searching for something. Joey tries to deny it, but of course Ug pipes up that they're looking for a ring.
Jesse then puts Joey out of his misery by revealing that he already found the ring in the cookie jar, and Joey is relieved. My, that was an uneventful subplot.
Fundraiser. Jesse's band is playing and Kimmy hops onstage to dance with the irrepressibly hunky Uncle Jesse. He calls for security and has her hauled offstage. Kimmy tells DJ that the fundraiser was a success, Joey was funny, Jesse's band was great, and Danny barely said anything. Danny is about to wrap up the show, and calls DJ to the stage to give her props for organizing the event. She asks who'd like to hear one more song from the Rippers... with Danny as lead singer. He dedicates the song to her, and busts out in a Tanneriffic version of "My Girl." Aw, makes me think of my Dad, who used to sing that to me and my sister. Make no mistake about it, except for that choice in song, my Dad has very little in common with Danny Tanner.
Everyone gets up and dances, and DJ goes to give Danny a hug and aww, so nice. See Danny? You guys should always favor DJ, not Michelle. All that brat does is hide important things and eat cookies and "owce cweam."
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
"Mmm it's wet and cold and... that's about it." or Shape Up (4.8)
Blah blah, Ug woke up Uncle Jesse so he could give her her favorite cereal Fiber Bears, which appears to be a bowlful of chocolate Teddy Grahams (Side note: Mmmmmm I LOVE chocolate Teddy Grahams with a nice tall glass of icy cold milk, but I digress...). Turns out that Ug only wanted the cereal to retrieve the prize awaiting inside. I can't help but feel that this plot device has been recycled about 6 different times throughout the series. Haw Haw we get it, sometimes kids just want products for the prizes and gimmicks and not for the taste. Got it. She tells Jesse to make her two eggs over easy, and he's all "I'll over easy you!" and blah blah incest-cakes.
DJ's working on a collage birthday card for Kimmy and munching on some Entemens cookies in her room and Stephanie comes in toting her brand new recorder. Man, I used to love rocking out on the recorder in elementary school. She asks DJ is she has a request to which Deej replies, "Yes. Don't play." Stephanie launches into "On Top of Old Smokey" but one of the notes is coming out sharp and off-key. More on that later. Kimmy comes in with an invitation to her surprise birthday party that she's throwing for herself at the Excelsior Hotel where her brother Garth is a bellboy. DJ is miffed that Kimmy's having a pool party in the middle of November because she doesn't feel like she has a banging bikini bod a la Kimmy. Um, no comment.
DJ tapes up photographs models on the refrigerator as motivation and Becky comes in and inquires in a concerned tone if she's trying to lose weight. She just tells her that she needs to eat sensibly and cut out the junk food. Cue Jesse coming in with a boxful of cake samples for the family to try to weigh in their opinions for which kind of chocolate cake they should get for the wedding. DJ declines the offer of cake in favor of a delicious frozen water pop. Mm ice cube on a stick.
Ug can't resist the temptation to chow down on some cake, and piggishly lunges across the table and begins grubbing up all the cake. Nobody stops her of course, because Michelle can do whatever the fuck she wants, and she destroys all of the samples in a matter of seconds, and when asked which cake she preferred, simply replies "Chocolate." Great, except there were about a dozen different chocolate varieties. It's supposed to be cute and funny, but it just pisses me off because what a waste. Stupid shit.
It's weigh-in time, DJ's least favorite time of day. Stephanie offers her some weigh-in music, more "On Top of Old Smokey" with the one sharp note. DJ is bummed to learn that over the course of two days she's only lost half a pound. Jesse comes in and tells Stephanie to have mercy on his ears with her off-key recorder stylings. He offers to show her how to properly play it, but the note comes up sharp for him. Just then, Ug comes in to bitch about the "music", and Jesse blows into the recorder full force and shoots out a piece of chewed gum onto Ug's forehead! Bwah! That scene alone makes this episode amazing. Jesse tells DJ that she doesn't need to diet, and she should just hit up the gym if she wants to lose weight.
The next day, DJ and Kimmy come in and Kimmy shows off her new bathing suit for the party. It's a loud printed bikini and Danny comments that the suit matches the wearer's personality. He gives DJ a sandwich because she missed lunch, and once he's out of the room, she tries to pawn it off on Kimmy. We see Stephanie lurking on the stairway as Kimmy complains that the sandwich is ham again. She says that she's been eating her lunch for the past week and every day it's ham. She asks if Danny hit a pig with his car or something. She leaves and DJ feeds the sandwich to Comet and then Stephanie comes down to bust her. She says that she hasn't been eating breakfast or lunch for 3 days and voices her concern. DJ makes Stephanie pinkie swear promise to not tell anyone that she hasn't been eating and tells her that she'll start eating again after the pool party.
The next day the entire Tanner clan hits up the gym. Danny tells DJ to take it easy and start on level one. Becky and Stephanie go to their aerobics class, and the guys take Michelle to the kiddie gym. As soon as she's left alone we see DJ change the difficult level from 1 to 75 on a machine with skill levels of 1-100.
The guys see the crew of hot ladies attending aerobics class and decide to give it a shot. They can't hack it and make for a pretty pathetic display. And that was just the warm-up. Stephanie goes to grab DJ to show her the hilarious display, and we see her working it on the Stairmaster dripping with sweat. She gets off the machine and immediately stumbles and falls to the floor. Stephanie panics and yells for Danny who comes running. The guys give her water and take her home.
That night, it's dinner time and DJ comes down refreshed from a nap. She claims she just brushed her teeth and doesn't want to taste Joey's cooking and then tries to duck out by saying she's eating dinner at the Gibbler's. As the family continues to prod and ask questions, DJ's demeanor becomes more irritable. Stephanie finally tires of the lies and steps up to break the pinkie swear and tells Danny not to believe her. She tells him that DJ is cranky and got dizzy at the gym because she hasn't eaten for 3 days. The family immediately jumps in concern and tries to tell DJ that what she's doing is unhealthy and is the stepping stone to a more serious eating disorder and inflicting serious damage to herself.
She runs uptairs with Danny in tow. She cries that she doesn't look like a model, and complains about her round face and "Charlie Brown cheeks." I actually snorted and laughed out loud at that assessment because that's one of the most bizarre comparisons I've ever heard. Charlie Brown cheeks, wha? Danny tells her that she's beautiful and that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. She says she doesn't want to wear a bathing suit in front of her friends, and he asks her if she judges her friends based on how they look in a bathing suit. He tells her that her friends love her for who she is, and not how she looks, and makes her promise to eat healthy and exercise in a safe and responsible manner. She agrees, they hug, and if only eating disorders were that simple to conquer.
DJ's working on a collage birthday card for Kimmy and munching on some Entemens cookies in her room and Stephanie comes in toting her brand new recorder. Man, I used to love rocking out on the recorder in elementary school. She asks DJ is she has a request to which Deej replies, "Yes. Don't play." Stephanie launches into "On Top of Old Smokey" but one of the notes is coming out sharp and off-key. More on that later. Kimmy comes in with an invitation to her surprise birthday party that she's throwing for herself at the Excelsior Hotel where her brother Garth is a bellboy. DJ is miffed that Kimmy's having a pool party in the middle of November because she doesn't feel like she has a banging bikini bod a la Kimmy. Um, no comment.
DJ tapes up photographs models on the refrigerator as motivation and Becky comes in and inquires in a concerned tone if she's trying to lose weight. She just tells her that she needs to eat sensibly and cut out the junk food. Cue Jesse coming in with a boxful of cake samples for the family to try to weigh in their opinions for which kind of chocolate cake they should get for the wedding. DJ declines the offer of cake in favor of a delicious frozen water pop. Mm ice cube on a stick.
Ug can't resist the temptation to chow down on some cake, and piggishly lunges across the table and begins grubbing up all the cake. Nobody stops her of course, because Michelle can do whatever the fuck she wants, and she destroys all of the samples in a matter of seconds, and when asked which cake she preferred, simply replies "Chocolate." Great, except there were about a dozen different chocolate varieties. It's supposed to be cute and funny, but it just pisses me off because what a waste. Stupid shit.
It's weigh-in time, DJ's least favorite time of day. Stephanie offers her some weigh-in music, more "On Top of Old Smokey" with the one sharp note. DJ is bummed to learn that over the course of two days she's only lost half a pound. Jesse comes in and tells Stephanie to have mercy on his ears with her off-key recorder stylings. He offers to show her how to properly play it, but the note comes up sharp for him. Just then, Ug comes in to bitch about the "music", and Jesse blows into the recorder full force and shoots out a piece of chewed gum onto Ug's forehead! Bwah! That scene alone makes this episode amazing. Jesse tells DJ that she doesn't need to diet, and she should just hit up the gym if she wants to lose weight.
The next day, DJ and Kimmy come in and Kimmy shows off her new bathing suit for the party. It's a loud printed bikini and Danny comments that the suit matches the wearer's personality. He gives DJ a sandwich because she missed lunch, and once he's out of the room, she tries to pawn it off on Kimmy. We see Stephanie lurking on the stairway as Kimmy complains that the sandwich is ham again. She says that she's been eating her lunch for the past week and every day it's ham. She asks if Danny hit a pig with his car or something. She leaves and DJ feeds the sandwich to Comet and then Stephanie comes down to bust her. She says that she hasn't been eating breakfast or lunch for 3 days and voices her concern. DJ makes Stephanie pinkie swear promise to not tell anyone that she hasn't been eating and tells her that she'll start eating again after the pool party.
The next day the entire Tanner clan hits up the gym. Danny tells DJ to take it easy and start on level one. Becky and Stephanie go to their aerobics class, and the guys take Michelle to the kiddie gym. As soon as she's left alone we see DJ change the difficult level from 1 to 75 on a machine with skill levels of 1-100.
The guys see the crew of hot ladies attending aerobics class and decide to give it a shot. They can't hack it and make for a pretty pathetic display. And that was just the warm-up. Stephanie goes to grab DJ to show her the hilarious display, and we see her working it on the Stairmaster dripping with sweat. She gets off the machine and immediately stumbles and falls to the floor. Stephanie panics and yells for Danny who comes running. The guys give her water and take her home.
That night, it's dinner time and DJ comes down refreshed from a nap. She claims she just brushed her teeth and doesn't want to taste Joey's cooking and then tries to duck out by saying she's eating dinner at the Gibbler's. As the family continues to prod and ask questions, DJ's demeanor becomes more irritable. Stephanie finally tires of the lies and steps up to break the pinkie swear and tells Danny not to believe her. She tells him that DJ is cranky and got dizzy at the gym because she hasn't eaten for 3 days. The family immediately jumps in concern and tries to tell DJ that what she's doing is unhealthy and is the stepping stone to a more serious eating disorder and inflicting serious damage to herself.
She runs uptairs with Danny in tow. She cries that she doesn't look like a model, and complains about her round face and "Charlie Brown cheeks." I actually snorted and laughed out loud at that assessment because that's one of the most bizarre comparisons I've ever heard. Charlie Brown cheeks, wha? Danny tells her that she's beautiful and that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. She says she doesn't want to wear a bathing suit in front of her friends, and he asks her if she judges her friends based on how they look in a bathing suit. He tells her that her friends love her for who she is, and not how she looks, and makes her promise to eat healthy and exercise in a safe and responsible manner. She agrees, they hug, and if only eating disorders were that simple to conquer.
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