Wednesday, March 5, 2008

"Whoever designed these airline bathrooms was not wearing pantyhose!" or Our Very First Christmas Show (2.9)

Danny is toting a video camera and documenting the first ever Tanner family Christmas reunion to be held in Colorado. Jesse and Joey come in singing "Winter Wonderland" and pander to the cameras, Jesse noting that Danny is only doing the video to write it off on his taxes. Danny makes a mental note to edit that portion of the video out.

Stephanie comes in all gloomy and not wanting to go to Colorado because she's afraid that Santa won't be able to find her there. Danny promises that Santa will be there Christmas morning because Joey has a Santa suit packing in one of their many suitcases.

D.J. wanders into Ug's room and is bursting with a secret she's dying to tell. Apparently she snooped and happened upon the girls' Christmas presents. She's getting a CD player, Steph's getting new roller skates (and now that "I've got a brand new pair of roller skates" song playing in my head) and Michelle's getting a whole bunch of toys. Hm, does that really sound fair? One CD player, One pair of roller skates and many many toys? Gee, who's the favorite?

Now the family's on the plane and Danny's documenting the pre-flight process. It includes such fascinating events as fastening seat belts and returning trays to the upright position. Stephanie posts a "Stephanie on Board" sign on the window for Santa. Everyone "Aww"'s when Joey tells them that it's Michelle's first plane trip. I would be indifferent/annoyed at the prospect of having my flight ruined by the cries of a screaming child and be furiously rummaging through my purse for my iPod to drown her out.

Becky is on the plane too, she's stopping over in Colorado to pick up a connecting flight on her way home to Nebraska. Danny asks her to say a little bit on the video for their WUSF viewers and she too accuses Danny of making the video to serve as a tax write-off. Jesse tries to score proposing they sneak away for a little romance on the slopes and claims he's "always wanted to go skiing in Nebraska." As Becky says in a later episode, it's never really been known as the mountain state. Naturally, Jesse strikes out, and all of the majesty is captured by Danny on film. He tells him to edit it out, but eff that. That little gem is their ticket to a daytime Emmy award!

Some fat dude in a bad toupee rudely tells DJ that she's in his seat. Both DJ and Danny reveal that they have tickets for the same seat. This guy is adamant that he will have the seat because he reserved it months ago. The stewardess says, in an awesome display of passive aggression and "go fuck yourself" masked in sweetness that that's fine because she has two open seats in first class and offers to upgrade DJ and Stephanie. Luckyyyy. I've never been in first class, is it everything it's cracked up to be? Now I just fly Southwest. They don't believe in "classes." And allegedly they're biased against "pretty girls" (re: sluts) which offends me because I am the hotness and I always am treated like a queen on my flights. Methinks those girls were probably bitches.

During the flight Michelle begins stroking the man's toupee saying"kitty" and pulls it off of his head. He gets pissed and I'm with him. That is his personal space and how the fuck is it okay for them to prop the baby so she's essentially sitting on his headrest? I would be so pissed. He snap and she cries and he gets scolded for it, and Jesse then leads the plane on a rousing rendition of "The Girl from Ipanema" to soothe Ug. The hell? That's her soothing lullaby? It's not just me, that's a pretty weird random selection, right?

The plane is forced to land due to a heavy blizzard and once their on the ground the conditions worsen so the entire clan is stuck spending the night in the airport. Stephanie is freaking out and is convinced that there's no way that Santa will find her in an airport. Stephanie tries to call the Operator for Santa or Mrs. Claus' phone numbers. Naturally they hang up on her and she replies with, what else? "How rude!" DJ goes to talk her down. The man in the bad toupee clarifies where the Tanner's are sitting and plans to camp out as far away from them as possible. Dude, I hear you.

Under the direction of his father, Jesse tries to make the moves on Becky when Nick points out that she's sitting by herself all forlorn and sad about being apart from her family on Christmas. He tries to be all smooth and sexy and gets her to talking about home. She mentions that her brother informed her that Janice is really blossoming. Jesse thinks she's talking about a sister, but it turns out to be her cow. She leaves to go call home, and Jesse tells his father that he was dissed so that she could go call her cow. Wow. Burn.

Danny is horror stricken when he realizes that the bag carrying all of the presents is missing. How bizarre, why would every other bag come through and just this one be missing? Oh yeah, because some cheap airline employee running the X-Ray saw the contents and hit the jackpot when they happened upon Danny's luggage. Because maybe they had put off their shopping til last minute, and had three daughters desiring this exact set of gifts. Maybe.

DJ attempts to talk down Stephanie by informing her that Rudolph has red nose radar that will make it possible for Santa to find Stephanie no matter where she is. Danny comes over and Stephanie tells him about the RNR, and he says that sometimes in intense blizzards, the radar isn't quite as effective. Stephanie runs off all bummed again and DJ asks what's up. Danny says that she's old enough to hear the truth and tells her that the suitcase carrying the gifts is missing. DJ joins Stephanie in her misery. Lighten up girls, be thankful your plane didn't crash! That's my sentiment every time my plane touches down safely. I really really hate flying.

Danny's desperate to salvage the holiday for his girls and tells Joey to put on his Santa suit. He comes out and Stephanie is totally buying his shtick until he's busted by Michelle who keeps calling him Joey. Dude, Steph. How can you let that UgTard outsmart you? Stephanie tries to tell Michelle it's Santa and does the classic beard test. Whoops, it is Joey. The mood is ruined as melancholy sets in once more.

Jesse is starting to get really fed up with everyone's bad attitude about the holidays. He goes on a rant that he can't believe how caught up everyone is in the commercialism and consumerism of the holiday. He reminds them of the true meaning of Christmas, about spending time with the people who matter most to you. He gestures to a coat rack and asks Joey what he sees. Jesse says that to him, it's a grandly decorated Christmas tree. He tells them that the vending machine to him is a feast fit for kings. He points to the conveyor belt and asks his father what he sees, and doesn't have anything festive and concedes that well, that's just a conveyor belt. Jesse leads the entire terminal into a rousing rendition of "Winter Wonderland" and hooraaaaay Christmas has been saved! Thanks Uncle SexyPants! Is it wrong that despite the fug Cosby/Bridget Jones style Christmas sweater, I find Uncle Jesse totally foxy while he's passionately spewing holiday joy?

It's night time and Danny has fallen asleep on the conveyor belt. UgMichelle hits button that controls the belt (really? It's just somewhere completely accessibly to anyone, even young children? That seems like it would be a major liability). Jesse stirs and scoops up Michelle to wish her a Merry Christmas. He turns on the lights and instantly swtiches from hot and sexy to super obnoxious as he wakes everyone up to tell them it's Christmas. How early is it? I'd be PISSED and yell something like "That's nice, now let me get some fucking sleep Hair Boy!" The conveyor belt starts back up and a snow covered Danny is brought back inside. Poor Danny.

Nick points to Becky standing by the coffee machine and asks him what he sees. Nick points out that she's standing under the mistletoe, waiting to be kissed and urges him to do so. Jesse does and uses the rationale that kissing under mistletoe is Christmas Law and because Goody Two Shoes Becky is a law-abiding citizen (as well as a down-low slut) they engage in a hella kiss.

Santa shows up, Joey's still present and he passes the beard test. Suddenly the suitcase carrying the presents come through on the conveyor belt, and when everyone turns back to where Santa was seated, he's gone. The laptop sitting on a chair has a message of tidings and joy, and when Danny and Joey discover that Joey's Santa suit is still in his duffel bag, they wonder if that may have been the real deal. The message on the computer changes and personally addresses Stephanie, thanking her for the map. Everyone swears that they see Santa flying away and even though it's March, I'm totally now in the Christmas spirit. Sorry this recap came almost 3 months late! Whoops!

Is it wrong to admit that shows like this that acknowledge that Santa is made up, but then suggests the possibility of it being a reality make me really happy? I mean, I'm completely logical and practical and a woman of reason, but a little part of me likes to believe in simplistic things like magic.

Uh, what I mean to say is, Christmas and Santa are gay! Snark snark snark!


michelle said...

Great recap. I am a little confused. How could the video be written off on taxes?

MilkMan said...

Sorry I should have clarified that a little better, I think they were insinuating that Danny was filming his vacation to air on his show, therefore it was for work and he could write all of the expenses of the trip off of his taxes.

crackle said...

This was always one of my favorite episodes!
I'm a sucker for tv show episodes that take place away from the usual set, if that makes any sense.

Anonymous said...

Even though UgBaby/Tot was the one who caused it, I always cracked up when Danny came around on the conveyer belt covered in snow.

And you're not alone about the Santa thing; it makes me happy too (plus I don't have to worry about my kids asking me uncomfortable-ish questions.

Anonymous said...

I like this episode, and Michelle is so cute as well. I also like the part where Irene says, "Whoever designed these airline bathrooms was not wearing pantyhose", too. :)

metamorphstorm said...

I can't say I've lived a horrible life, all in all, but I do think it sometimes, and Christmas is the one time of year where I feel that maybe the next year will be okay, so I've always been 100% with Uncle Jesse on this one.

Also, I'd be completely and totally ticked if someone sat their fugly child's arse down by my head, then scolded me if the kid took one of my belongings. Uh, hello?? Personal space invaded here, and damn not given than the fug baby is crying! Sit your kid elsewhere and learn to respect other people's space! For the whole "holiday rant" I was all for Uncle J, and for the plane trip during which he yelled at the guy with the toupee for making UgBrat cry, I was totally against him.