"It's That Kind of Attitude that Broke up the Go-Go's" or But Seriously, Folks (1.16)

Jesse is in his bedroom with D.J. and Kimmy Gibbler (Ew! Not like THAT!) He's helping D.J. learn the guitar because her and Kimmy started a band called "The Bracelets." Heh, Bangles, Bracelets... touche, writers. D.J.'s having some trouble mastering the guitar, but Kimmy's a whiz on the keyboard. Her and Jesse play the song "Venus" with Kimmy singing. D.J. chimes in, drumming on the back of her guitar and singing... poorly. Yikes. Candace Cameron is not musically inclined. Danny interrupts their band practice to tell them to hurry and get ready to go see Joey's comedy show. Wow, Joey booked a show? It must be open mic/amateur night. Kimmy rudely suggests that D.J. should maybe stay home and practice and possibly consider quitting school altogether.

The family is now in the living room, waiting to go, and Jesse says they have to wait for his date. There's an adorable little skit here, where Jesse says he's so nervous and then his date walks through the door and lo and behold, it's Stephanie. They have a cute dialogue trying to be very formal and polite. Stephanie is carrying a purse and D.J. asks why she would need one. Steph reveals the contents: change for a phone call, keys to some place, and an orange. "They do make a lovely couple," remarks Danny.

Now at the club, Ed Alonso, a magician best known as Max from The Max Diner from "Saved by the Bell," is performing. Joey is on deck and stoked to be following a magician, because apparently the audience is "dying to laugh." I don't think Joey's one to critique someone for a hack routine.

Again, I need to take a moment to describe Joey's hideous attire. His outfits rival those of Claudia Kishi from the Baby-Sitter Club book series. For his chance at a big break, Joey decides to class it up with a teal Hawaiian print shirt with red and yellow flowers, black slacks, white sneakers, a fuschia sport coat and a silver bolo necktie. Pair that with Joey's curly mullet, and you've got one hell of a fashion trainwreck on your hands. Yikes.

Just as Joey's about to take the stage to perform in front of a guy from HBO and potentially get his big break, a familiar cackle emanates throughout the club. It's none other than comedy legend Phyllis Diller. They call Phyllis onto the stage to perform, and she obliges... for an hour and a half. Joey? Fucked! He finally takes the stage and everyone is filing out. In one of the most pathetic displays I've ever seen, Joey literally begs the audience to stay and watch his comedy. It's past HBO guy's bedtime and he also peaces out. BWAH!

The next day, the family goes down to Joey's room to find him dressed in a suit with his hair slicked back, now calling himself "Joe." Joey is quitting comedy and planning to pursue a career in the business world. What business is that? Well, Joey doesn't specify, and seeing as he really has no qualifications, I'm pretty sure this isn't going to pan out. Joey says that he tried and failed he's glad he figured it out now, rather than when he's 46. D.J. appears to be pretty crushed by this revelation, and the rest of the family looks pretty concerned. I think they should be celebrating, but that's me.

The next day, Danny and Jesse attempt baby aerobics with UgBaby Michelle. It's almost cute, and I laugh a little when Jesse asks Michelle if she's feeling insecure about "those chubby little legs." Joey comes home after allegedly receiving a plethora of job offers, and turns down watching cartoons in favor of reading the Wall Street Journal. Danny remarks that he's worried about Joey and Jesse replies, "Joey's always worried me." Heh.

Jesse finds out that D.J. is quitting the guitar because it's too hard and she's no good. He tries his hand at parenting by telling an anecdote about his passion for music when he was a young boy. Apparently he pawned his bike in exchange for a guitar and practiced night and day until one day, the music "surged through him." D.J. is unimpressed and Jesse is fed up and goes to Danny and tells him that they need to fix this.

The guys take Joey back to the club to watch Jesse perform for amateur night. Jesse, still performing with the surname Cochran (I'm guessing the name change didn't change until the second season). Rather than play his guitar, Jesse decides to try his hand at comedy, specifically Joey's comedy. He "butchers" Joey's jokes, but in all fairness, they weren't all that funny to begin with. Joey heckles him with such witty quips as calling Jesse a "yahoo bird" and claiming he's committing "comedy murder." Shut up, Joe.

Naturally their plan works, and they get Joey to take the stage and because everyone in the club audience that evening suffers from mild retardation or perhaps severe intoxication, they don't walk out and actually laugh. Joey, rejuvenated by his well-received performance is now back in the comedy saddle. Jesse and Danny aren't done with him yet, they tell him that his abrupt departure from his passion inspired D.J. to quit the guitar. For some weird reason, she looks up to Joey.

Joey decides now would be a good time for a pep talk despite the fact that it's nighttime and both of the girls are already tucked into bed. He rouses them to tell them he's back in comedy and that D.J. shouldn't give up on her music. Steph's happy to have Joey back, rather than the moussed-back Joe. D.J. decides that he's right and picks up the guitar and begins to painfully strum out the chords to "Venus." Poor Stephanie just wants to go back to bed. And D.J.'s guitar will never be heard from again.