The Birth of the Tanner Twister, or Stephanie Plays the Field (4.22)

Danny comes in with an armful of groceries and for some reason enlists the assistance of Ug to unload. She spies a package of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and tries to sneak away with them. He totally busts her and it's all sunshine and giggles and once again, the opening scene causes me to die a little inside.

Danny's polishing baseball bats with Rusty and ew, that sounds wicked dirty. Stephanie comes in with a boy and they are followed by DJ, whom Stephanie's apparently been ignoring the entire walk home. Stephanie is all google-eyed as she introduces the strapping young lad as "My Brett." She quickly corrects herself and explains it's her friend Brett who plays for the Cubs with a batting average of .421 with 6 stolen bases and one error that was the result of when a ball hit a rock and therefore it wasn't really his fault. Rusty is on the rival Giants and begins talking smack to Brett until Danny sends Brett away. Danny tells Rusty that he's going to teach him the fine art of how to slide without getting dirty.

Girl talk upstairs! Steph asks DJ how to tell if Brett likes her and says that her heart beats "Brett Brett, Brett Brett." She asks DJ for advice and she suggests that they hang out together and see if there's romantic prospects. Stephanie asks how it's possible that with all of this sage advice and experience, DJ doesn't have a boyfriend. DJ explains that she's been playing hard to get, and Steph deadpans, "Oh. Well you're going a really great job."

Jesse and Becky are ready to break in their new apartment, formerly known as Danny's attic, now to be known as the "attipartment". Jesse unveils the piece de resistance: the bed that comes out of the wall. Becky remarks, "Oo, that is really tacky... but I love it." You would, you kinky Nebraskan freak! Just then they are interrupted by a troll who greets them, "Hello Mr. and Mrs. Katsopolis." That's right, it's Ug. Jesse sarcastically replies, "Oh goody, Michelle's here." Ha! That's how I feel every time she enters a scene too! Jesse and Becky try to gently tell her that they want to be alone, and Michelle looks around the empty attipartment and says that they are alone, silly. Jesse launches Michelle into the air under the guise of playing airplane and lands her outside the door, closing and locking it behind her. Obviously, I'd be annoyed as shit too, but uh, this is kind of the reason why you don't move back home after you get married, fuckwit.

Michelle is still outside the door hollering, and eventually concedes, "Fine! I'm leaving... but you're gonna miss me!" Somehow... I doubt it. She stomps into Joey's room where he's working on filing his taxes and apparently he owes a shit ton of money. He's contemplating the likelihood of being able to write off $10K citing "business dinners at the Sizzler." Whoa, hold up there Gladstone: YOU DROPPED $10K AT THE FUCKING SIZZLER??!?!

Time for everyone's favorite Milkman segue into a real life, not necessarily related anecdote. There's this dude I worked with and he had a really shitty car that was always breaking down and even though he made the most money out of all of us, he somehow couldn't manage to pay for either a new car, or to fix his old car to get it back on the road. This was confusing to the rest of us, until one day one of his friends got drunk and told one of the big workplace blabbermouth bitches that the reason he was so in debt was because he spent $3000 renting porn on his cable bill. The worst thing is that they were all "Daddy's Little Girls." He dropped 3 THOUSAND DOLLARS renting the same porn over and over again (and a few others, I'm sure). Dude, just spend 40 bucks on the DVD. Eventually he paid off his massive porn bill and got a new car and was slightly more fiscally responsible (sans the nasty Crown Royal and Coke habit), and he's since moved away, but I'll always remember the ridiculous porn bill.

Joey tries to explain to Michelle that being newlyweds, Jesse and Becky want their privacy. She asks what they want that for and Joey says they need it "to... do their taxes." Ah, the neverending slew of euphemisms for sexual intercourse. Michelle asks if they're going to be doing their "taxis" [sic, her idiot ass] every night? And Joey replies that they will for the first couple of months. And gross, does he really need to delve that far into the Katsopolis sexcapades?

In the attipartment of sin, Jesse and Becky are trying to get it on with some sexytime, and they are interrupted yet again by a knock on the door. Jesse tries to tell Michelle that they're sleeping and is startled when he's answered by Joey's voice questioning why he's talking then. Somehow, Jesse manages to turn the tables and force Joey to play with Michelle and get the Ug out of their hair.

The next day, Stephanie decides that she wants to play Little League too, in order to get closer to Brett. She throws and Rusty remarks that "the babe's got an arm." Danny takes slight offense to the reference of his young daughter as a babe, but does recognize her natural skillz and asks her to pitch for the Giants. Steph throws a nasty curve ball which Rusty dubs the Tanner Twister, the namesake of this blog. Stephanie is stoked and remarks "I love being a jock."

The next day is the big baseball game showdown between the Giants and the Cubs. Danny tells the guys how excited Michelle is because he told her she could be batboy. Now, I know this is probably going to destroy all of my street-cred, but just then Ug walks in dressed in a Batman costume and I might have actually chuckled a bit. But, I tend to think of it as laughing at her stupidity, rather than anything she did intentionally to be funny.

Brett Brett comes in to visit Steph and wish her luck before the game. He shows her that he drew an "ST" with a heart around it on his bat and declares her to be his girlfriend. Stephanie's creaming her jeans over this gesture and Brett passive aggressively mentions that he's a little afraid to face her and the Twister (cough, PUSSY, cough) and doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of his family and suggests that maybe she throw him a few easy ones. Stephanie is hesitant and Brett apparently doesn't notice her discomfort with the situation and thinks she's onboard.

It's game time. Steph's apparently pitching a great game and Joey is sitting at a table and commentating over a loudspeaker and like really? Do they need color commentary and play by plays for a little league game? Is that common practice and was I just snubbed because as a girl I played the lowly softball rather than little league baseball? Brett's up to bat and Joey has given him the moniker of "Danger Brett Davis." Last time he was up he hit a double and now he hits a homerun. I guess Steph decided to go along with the plan.

Now changed out of her Batman costume, she's now in a Giants shirt. But it's a t-shirt for the NY Giants football team rather than the SF Giants baseball team. Grrr, shit like that annoys me. Stephanie's up to bat and is thrown out at first and Jesse throws a fit arguing with the umpire until Danny tells him that she was out. Once Jesse settles down and is back in his seat, Becky promises him a snow cone if he behaves and Jesse simply replies, "I like cherry." Hee!

Naturally, the game comes down to Brett's final at-bat. She has 2 strikes on him and Joey remarks that you can cut the tension with a knife. He then covers the mic and yells for a hot dog. Stephanie signals for Danny to come to the mound and asks him to send DJ to her. Joey thinks they're bringing in another pitcher "wait no, another daughter." As DJ runs to the mound Joey profiles her as someone who "loves the mall and the beach and spends hours in the bathroom." DJ is rightfully mortified by the latter half and chastises Joey for it. Steph asks DJ what to do and DJ says that if Brett's for real, she shouldn't need to throw the game for him.

Joey comments that this game's a real nailbiter and again covers the mic, this time calling for nachos. Stephanie throws the Tanner Twister and strikes him out. Everyone rejoices and I'm sorry but that is waaaayyyyy too much excitement over a season opener victory. Stephanie is hoisted onto the shoulders of her teammates as she notices Brett kicking at the ground and looking utterly dejected, and is unable to relish in her victory. Wow, Brett's really bringing the bitchassness, isn't he?

But, all is well when Brett comes by the Tanner house to congratulate Steph on her win and apologize citing that he should have never asked her to cheat for him. Once again it's sunshine, candy and rainbows in the land of puppy love, and they go inside to watch the generically titled "Sports Channel."