"I wonder if he has an older brother." or Silence is Not Golden (6.17)

Just to preface, this is probably up in my top ten favorite FH episodes of all time (Maybe one day I'll actually assemble this vague list I've made reference to), so it will be hard for me to hate on, but I'm sure I'll find a way.

UgSnot and Denise are watching TV with a Funny Buddy commercial. For only $2 a minute, they can buy a crappy joke that nobody will laugh at. This tedious scene is also accompanied by an extremely annoying laugh from both girls. Denise says she asked her dad for permission to call because she's not a manipulative little shit; on the flip side, UgSnot got "permission" from Danny because she asked him while he was vacuuming. God, she sucks.

At school, Stephanie is talking to the Jennifers, one of which is TOPANGA! God, I FLOVED "Boy Meets World." And I'm talking about Flove with all sincerity, no snark. Brilliant show. Anyway, the girls are interrupted by the class lowlife Charles who makes this snappy assessment: "2 Jennifers and a Stephanie: 3 people, 1 brain, no personality!" Zing! Stephanie shoots right back with "What do you think of the human race?... We'd like an outsider's opinion." Finally their teacher breaks it up, and segues to a writing assignment she just came up with on the spot: finding the best in people. The goal is to interview each other and find the best qualities in one another, and for inspiring the assignment, Stephanie and Charles will be partners.

Back at the house, DJ, Steve and Kimmy are hanging around the kitchen table and Jesse comes in to be his hip Uncle self. Turns out Jesse and Steve both have to read and write a book report on Catcher in the Rye and whine about it. Dude, it's not even that long of a book. Everyone ignores DJ when she tells them to just suck it up and read the damn book and instead opt for the Gibbler method. No, not rent the movie (that IS the Gibbler method, but it's not on video). But the OTHER Gibbler method: each reading half of the book, just like she did with Cathy!Santoni! for their report on Much Ado About Nothing. DJ quips that Cathy read "much ado" while Kimmy read nothing.

Joey comes in with the twins who he just took from the playground. He empties their shoes of all the sand, and says he just doesn't know what it is about sandboxes as he empties his own loafer of a bucketful of sand. Haha get it? Because Joey's just a big kid. Ugh. You suck, Gladstone. To make this scene go from bad to worse, Ug and Denise come in with Funny Buddy's joke of the the day: "What did one penny say to the other? Let's get together and make some sense/cents!" Ugh. I thought I hated puns, but it turns out I hate UgPuns even more!

Steph comes home from school and is venting to Dannny about Charles, "the Obnoxitron." Danny thinks Steph must be exaggerating and he can't be that bad. DJ and Kimmy come in and Steph turns to her eldest sister for advice citing her experience with someone rude and crude. Kim awesomely and confusedly asks, "Deej, do you have a friend I don't know about?!" DJ tells Stephanie that if she just spends some time with and gets to know them, they might not be so bad. Kimmy still doesn't get it and is getting frustrated, "Who IS this person?!" Danny tries to provide an anecdote about a guest he and Becky had on the show, but it turns out that nope, some people are just jerks.

Charles arrives and Stephanie, ever the apple polisher, says it's nice to see him. Charles flatly retorts, "Yeah, wish I felt the same." He steamrolls right ahead and when he sees Danny, "I see where you get your looks" "Thanks." "I didn't say good looks." Bwah! After they leave to go upstairs, Danny relents that maybe there isn't good in everyone, and Becky adds that Charles needs to be taught some manners. Kimmy on the other hand, is salivating and wants to know if he has an older brother. God, I love Kimmy.

For the record, let it be known that badass Charles is rocking a black backpack with what appears to be hot pink piping.

While Stephanie and Charles are getting underway on their assignment, Ug comes in to tell Steph she's in big trouble with Danny for forgetting to take out trash and that he'll deal with her later. And that little brat is relishing in the thought way too much. Go away Ug. Charles' demeanor softens a bit and tells Stephanie to think of something funny because that always helps him when he's getting it. Stephanie isn't getting what "it" is, and Charles clarifies he mmeans getting pounded by his dad. Steph still isn't quite getting it, and asks if he means his dad hits him. Charles refuses to say anything else until they both learn that they have dead mothers in common. Charles admits he gets hit sometimes but its his own fault for ticking his dad off. Turns out last week, ol' Chuck was sporting a black eye from "walking into a door... a door named dad." Steph urges him to tell someone, but he makes her promise to keep his secret. Just then, Charles looks down at his watch and panics when he realizes he's going to be late and didn't phone his dad. He runs off and cue the sappy music as we zoom in on conflicted, pensive Stephanie.

The next day Charles isn't in school, and Stephanie's teacher tells her she'll be getting a new partner because Charles had an accident. Steph is immediately worried and asks her teacher for me details, and learns that he "fell down the stairs." A distressed look washes across Stephanie's face and for a moment it looks as though she's going to tell her teacher about Charles' home life, but backs away to keep her promise.

Becky, DJ, Steve & Kimmy are in the kitchen and UgSnot and Denise come in with more of their lame jokes that no one wants to hear. The teens go so far as to outwardly groan and Becky makes them listen and pretend to laugh. Today's gem? "What's a frog's favorite soda? CROAK-a-cola!" Now I'm groaning. Jesse comes in to go over their respective halves of Catcher in the Rye with Steve. Steve's dingbat synopsis of the entire first half is "Funny man." Lesson learned, next time the guys should read the whole book themselves. Reading half is like stopping eating a pizza after only six slices. Oh Steve, you and your impending heart failure. Jesse relays it's like the time he walked in halfyway through Tootsie, and asked himself "Who is this ugly woman?" Steve, dim as all get out tells him, "Hey you know in Tootsie, that was a guy." It looks like Jesse's brain hurts.

Danny just got the phone bill and it's astronomical due to all the Funny Buddy charges. Knowing what a hack comic Joey is, Danny goes to confront him. Joey is immediately defensive and says every time someone leaves cheese in the hamper it's his fault. I don't even wanna know, Gladstone. Danny retorts, "The gouda was in your pants!" "Oh, like you never left a wedge of cheese in your pants!" Actually, I can proudly say that I haven't, Joey. So Joey may leave cheese in the hamper, but he didn't call no Funny Buddy.

Ug and Denise come in with another joke, "How do you know an elephant's been in your refrigerator?" But oh snap! Danny's got the punchline! "By the footprints in the butter." Okay, that's not even like remotely funny. Danny busts Ug for the calls and when he finds out she knew they cost money but did it anyway (on account of she's soulless) he's pissed. She tries to get off by saying she'll never do it again and tries to dip out, but Danny says sometimes saying your sorry isn't enough. Because Ug just doesn't know when to quit being a little shit, she brats that sometimes it is. Danny sends her up to her room, and says her bedtime will be an hour early all week, no buts.

Ug stomps upstairs angrily and holy shit! Danny actually showed a spine to Princess Michelle, but this one time event was just a means to foil the Charles situation. Ug is running her mouth off about how mean and terrible Danny is, and Stephanie tells her to STFU. They're bickering goes back and forth as they get louder.

Uncle Jesse, finally attempting to read Catcher in the Rye in its entirety, hears the commotion and storms in to break it up, calling the girls Itchy and Scratchy (w00t w00t, "Simpsons" shout-out! How pop culture savvy!). Jesse pretty much says Ug was punished for good reason, and to suck it up. Man, why couldn't all episodes have the adults not taking shit from Michelle like this? Jesse then notices Steph is still worked up about how lucky they are to have a father like Danny because some kids get it much worse. Jesse asks where all of this is coming from, but Stephanie doesn't want to say. Jesse tells her to use common sense and her best judgment. She asks him to keep a secret and he tells her he cant keep it unless he knows what it is. Stephanie laments that that's what she should have told Charles. Finally she caves and tells him about Charles' father, and Jesse is immediately incensed and says they have to report this, or else he's going to go beat Mr. Abuser's ass himself. Stephanie protests, but Jesse explains if they don't say anything they're only helping the abuse happen again, and what will happen to Charles if they don't tell is worse than if they do.

A week later, Charles is still not back in school and Stephanie is concerned. Jesse tells her that he made some calls and found out that Charles was put in foster family. Stephanie angrily lashes out at Jesse, but he shoots that misdirected anger right down because it's not their fault, because they weren't the ones hurting Charles. Stephanie wonders why, if it's not her fault, does she feel so lousy. Jesse sadly tells her it's because it's a lousy situation. He awesomely tells her, "I know how hard it was, but thanks to you, thanks to Stephanie, Charles' father can't hurt him tonight." Aww, I kind of love when the guys are awesome at this parenting stuff.

Steph just can't wrap her brain around why Charles' father was so mean, and Jesse says he can't understand how anyone could hurt their child. I'm not ashamed to say that this whole scene is very touching, and I may or may not be a little verklempt. DJ interrupts this tender moment to tell them that Danny's home and it's time for dinner. Steph goes into the kitchen and gives Danny a big hug and kiss, just because. Danny says he'll take a free hug any time and Jesse looks on shmoopily and its hard for me to really hate on a Steph-centric episode where she once again proves how awesome a kid she is... especially compared to UgSnot.

"You just humiliated me in front of millions of people.!" "Oh, come on, it was probably only thousands." or Radio Days (6.4)

Yes! We're spared the Michelle-centric opening! I'll take this as a sign that I was meant to return to recapping after a long (LONG ASS) sabbatical. Let's just dive right into the Tanner-y goodness.

Stephanie is sitting at the table working on her homework, a short story, and UgSnot wants to help. Citing her lack of literacy, Stephanie declines the offer, and UgSnot laments that no one ever lets her help which is received with a collection of "Awww"s from the audience. The hell? Steph has written some crap about a potato bug on a leaf, and it's painfully boring, but the point is Danny and Becky tell her to write about something she knows.

Steve and DJ barge in arguing about Steve giving a ride to the infamous CATHY SANTONI! DJ goes on and on about what a skanky dumb bitch Cathy is (apparently she only signed up for shop class because she thought it was taught at the mall (this is apparently Full House's answer to the 'Yo Momma' trend)). Their tiff catches Stephanie's ear and she's got a brand new idea for her short story. Unfortunately, DJ and Steve make up almost immediately in a most yawn-worthy way, and Stephanie is momentarily dismayed... until her meth-loving ass hatches a scheme!

Jesse comes in with his hideous twins, telling everyone that he's got an interview on the radio to promote some charity function at the Smush [sic] Club, and Danny tells him that he hears they might have an opening for a DJ at the station... which is apparently a lifelong dream of Jesse's... which we've never heard of prior to this episode. Joey mentions how his boss is trying to stick him with a co-host for "The Ranger Joe" show to which Danny awesomely replies: "I remember when they stuck me with a co-host." He's immediately met with a death glare from Becky and quickly adds, "...and it turned out great!" Heh, Danny still hates Becky's shrew ass after all these years.

On the set of the enchanted forest, Joey meets Jungle Jenny, his new co-host, who tells him he's wound tighter than an Amish quilt (the Hell?) She hung up some vines and wants to go on a rhino hunt and Joey hates her guts and tells Mr. Stowbridge she's wacked and he can't work with her, but oh-oh! Turns out Jungle Jane is also Mrs. Stowbridge. Gotta love nepotism!

Joey pops by the station to support Jesse for his interview. Joey catches the DJ's eye and she invites him to sit on in the interview. Joey makes a few cracks about Jesse's hair and Elvis obsession and Jesse gets all bent out of shape about it. I must be losing my touch because Joey is almost funny in this bit (saying Jesse voted more times for the new Elvis stamp than he did in the past three elections and also getting Jesse to admit he has a pair of Elvis undies that say "Love me Tender" (which I totes want)). As soon as DJ Julie steps out Jesse goes off and Joey storms off. Julie returns and tells him the phones were ringing off the hook and offers Jesse the gig... but only if Joey is his co-host. Jesse's rocking the "Oh Shit" face on account of he just told Joey to piss off and is going to have to do some major grovelling if he wants to realize this season's lifelong dream.

Jesse goes into Joey's room armed with a hot fudge sundae wanting to talk, and Joey is insulted saying "In case you haven't noticed the height difference, I'm NOT Michelle." But he totally caves and takes the sundae anyway. Then Jesse tries to casually slip in that they offered them a job at the station, and Joey busts him for only being nice and apologizing because he needs him. Because it's none of her business, but she's a nosy little shit, UgSnot invites herself in to help because she's a good helper and tries to force them to hug. J&J resist her efforts and resort to calling each other "Bullwinkle Brain" and "Dippity-Do Head."

Steve thoroughly raids the kitchen before sitting down to study, and when he opens the book finds a letter from "Henry" whom DJ kissed on Macaroni Day. Stephanie is lurking, and we know she planted the note. Danny comes in to read her story, a romantic drama about Cleve and PJ, and PJ's Macaroni day lover, Henry. Steve & DJ are still bickering, and Danny hears mention of a Macaroni Day tryst and shows them the story. Because Steve is too stupid to live, he is in awe of the coincidence between their real life drama and Stephanie's short story. Danny and DJ exchange a look.

To get back and Stephanie, DJ and Steve play up the incident and propose marriage to overcome the jealousy. When they tell Danny, he rejoices and asks what took so long. He tells them to take Stephanie's room, put Michelle into DJ's room and Stephanie can share the towel on the floor of the bathroom with Comet. Stephanie learns a VERY!IMPORTANT!LESSON! about not messing with other people's lives to come up with a story. DJ and Steve joke about getting married for real, but ultimately Steve chooses Danny's corndog (dirty!) over DJ (good call Steve, she's going to become a really annoying, uppity Christian!).

In the enchanted forest, Jungle Jenny and the brats string up Ranger Joe by his feet and abandon him. Joey gives Mr. Stowbridge an ultimatum and gets fired. UgSnot tells Joey how funny it was and he sends her to get him cut down. Suddenly the lights go out and we hear a thump in the darkness. Oh Joey, let's hope you just fell on your head.

Joey comes in bearing Elvis car wax for Jesse, and apologizes for the jokes he told, citing UgSnot for helping him realize that. The hell? Even SHE is confused as to what she did, but that little shit is never one to shy away from taking undeserved credit. J&J verbally fellate one another for far too long, and agree to take the DJ job, and Joey never admits that the only reason he's taking the job is because he just got fired, but whatevs. Joey makes a crack about driving his car through Jesse's hair because he needs a lube job and we end with Jesse chasing Joey around the house playing grab ass. Weird.

"At the end of the second period, the score's 4-4..." "That's a tie!" or Nice Guys Finish First (6.9)

Tee hee, this episode is #9 in Season 6, making it's call number 6.9. Tee hee. Yes, I'm twelve.

DJ's finally starting driving lessons around the block with Danny. They return to the house and he's visibly shaken. When my Dad did driving lessons with me, his rage left me shaken. God, I hated learning to drive with my Dad. UgTwat being the little idiot that she is, is freaking out scared of the Norwegian Goat Boy. It's piss-poor story lines like this that show how far the writers would go to center an episode around Michelle. I mean, seriously? Norwegian Goat Boy?

Becky comes in with the twins to listen to Jesse and Joey's radio show... like they actually give a fuck. The Rush Hour Renegades and the radio station are giving away ice to callers in honor of the fact that Joey is playing in a charity hockey game. Their guest this afternoon is Hershel Binkley, the opposing goalie of the other team. Turns out that ol' Hershel is a familiar face from Joey's past. He pulls out a chintzy plastic hockey goalie's mask that has a red brick pattern painted on it. Back when they knew one another, Hershel went by the moniker of "Stonewall" and he was Joey's rival when he played hockey in college because he apparently stopped Joey's potential game-winning goal. And like seriously? First, isn't stopping pucks sort of part of a goalie's job? I don't see how that's some great embarrassment for Joey. Second, how old is this guy that he's still desperately clinging to this moment? Thirdly, with a name like Hershel, is he really one to make fun of anyone? And lastly, I really hate this massive tool because he's making me defend Joey. I need to pump some "You Oughta Know" and take a scalding hot shower to wash away my shame.

Um anyway, Joey acts like a total pussy and backs down from all of Stonewall's jaw-jacking. Jesse tries to come to his defense, but Stonewall leaves all smug and triumphant. Again, this guy is like mondo pathetic. I can't stand those jockstrap types who can't let go of their glory days. Later, the family all goes ice skating together and we learn that Danny's practically a professional figure skater. His stunt double launches into a fancy jump, and Danny sheepisly claims he's a little rusty citing "I hardly got any height on that double axle." And this is why I love Danny Tanner, he got a bad rap as a total uptight toolbag, but he's got some great one-liners. And a secret past as a figure skater? Brilliant! The family all joins hands to play "Crack the Whip" and it's at this point that I wonder, who the hell is watching Nicky and Alex? Better question, why do I care? Jesse is less than skilled on his skates and goes flying off the end of the line and into the wall of the rink. Bwah!

Who should interrupt this happy family moment than friggin' Stonewall. He begins chastising Joey again, and Danny reads my mind and asks Stonewall "Is your life so pathetic and empty that you need to live in the past?" To his credit, Stonewall actually answers "Well... yes." Joey finally tires of all the teasing and breaks his stick over his knee. Michelle looks scared, I laugh. I sure hope that wasn't Joey's only hockey stick.

Danny is prepping DJ for her first time on the free way. He asks her to define the lanes and she does as such: The left lane is "the entirely too fast lane", the second lane is "the still entirely too fast lane" and the right lane is "for geeks and nerds." Heh. True dat. Danny is less than pleased with her assessment, and DJ assures him that she is happy to be a geek and nerd, and to drive in the slow lane so long as it allows her to drive outside of their neighborhood. Michelle, meanwhile, is still pissing and moaning about the freaking Goat Boy! Seriously writers, give it up! Stop trying to thrust Ug into the spotlight of every episode, it's just non sequitur at this point! My favorite obnoxious neighbor and yours, Kimmy Gibbler stops by not only to fan the flames of Ug's idiotic fears, but also tacks on the tale of the Muttman. Although I loathe the attention being wasted on Michelle, I must say that at least she's being tortured, so it makes it a little more tolerable. Christ, now she's whining about being afraid of Joey as he's getting all pumped up for the game. He promises to not be scary and God, I am SO over this catering to a 6 year old.

Finally it's time for the charity Hockey game. The play by play is being broadcast on the guys' radio station with the painful commentary of the anti-jock, Jesse Katsopolis. He hasn't the slightest grasp on the rules of hockey and his play-by-play is hilarious but quite uninformative. The game's getting rough and Joey goes to punch Stonewall in his porky mouth, but then looks at UgTwat making her "I just smelled a turd" face which is supposed to convey fear, and he releases his grip and skates away. Jesse totally calls him out on his pussiness. At this point, Becky thankfully steps in to take over the commentary. She grew up with a lot of brothers and knows her shit. The buzzer goes off and a mystified Jesse asks "Did someone pull the fire alarm?" Haha, Jesse's ignorance is cracking me up. At this point, Michelle has the balls to tell Joey he's playing like a weenie, and he says he won't play like a meanie, but is it okay if he plays like an in-betweenie. I shit you not, this grown ass man is lowering himself to bargaining with a 6 year old about how aggressively he can play a hockey game using the most ridiculous rhyming lingo that's making my ears bleed and soul die. If I roll my eyes any harder, I might strain something and need to up my contact lens prescription.

So Joey's now playing in in-betweenie mode and Becky notes that somebody lit a fire under Joey's ass, but in more PG rated terminology. Time's running out and Joey is on a breakaway, but someone on the opposing team hooks his skates and pulls him down. Time expires and Jesse thinks the game's over, but Becky corrects him that Joey is entitled to a penalty shot. Becky over-dramatics, "It all comes down to this." Jesse, not wanting to be left out adds on, "This... is what it all comes down to." Bwah! Joey takes the shot and naturally makes it. Becky screams "Do you believe in miracles?" Um, I don't really think Joey's winning goal in some podunk charity game really compares to the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team's triumph over the Soviet Union, but to each their own. Stonewall looks utterly dejected and you just know that that pathetic loser went home and killed himself. He probably sliced his wrists open on his skates because his non-professional hockey career was the only thing he had going for him in his miserable life.

Joey celebrates by skating around the ice with Michelle hoisted on his shoulders. Ew, I won't even comment about him having Ug's twat rubbing all up on the back of his neck. Nasty. Man, I don't even know why I chose to recap this episode. It was completely focused on Joey and Michelle, the two most loathsome characters, and it brought out a lot of hostility in me. Next time, I'll do a more fun, fluffier episode that generates less hateful snark.

"Do I have the biggest part?" "No... but you have the biggest mouth." or The Play's the Thing (6.8)

Stephanie and Ug come in all melancholic because the school is planning to cancel the first grade play "America the Beautiful" because there's no parent volunteer to coordinate and run things. Stephanie's bummed because she was supposed to be the choreographer for the show, and Ug is upset because without this play, she's robbed of yet another chance to make herself the center of attention. Danny's all set to step in, but unfortunately his work schedule makes it impossible for him to do so. Along with the girls, he manages to instead rope Jesse and Joey into taking the reigns.

Becky's running around like a maniac because she has a million things to do and is bogged down with her demon twins. Danny offers to watch the boys while she runs her errands and shops. She comes back with some dinky model trains for Nicky and Alex, but is dismayed when she sees that Danny beat her to the punch and already purchased two bigger and better trains, I'm talking these are ones you can ride. Danny makes a tunnel between his legs, and I must say there is something really uncomfortable about watching these young boys in such close proximity to Danny's crotch. Becky's obviously starting to get jealous of Danny's time with the boys and his far superior presents. Shut up, Becky.

Up in the girls' room, Steph is helping UgSnot rehearse "Yankee Doodle." And words can't even do justice to how horrific a Yankee Doodle Ug is. She is completely tone deaf, without any sense of rhythm and the hideous troll face makes blood stream out of my eyes and ears. Apparently both Stephanie and DJ were Yankee Doodle in their respective hey days so Michelle thinks she's a shoo-in, completely disregarding the fact that in their younger years, Steph and Deej were absolutely adorable and talented little girls. Unfortunately for all of the other children hoping to try their luck, Jesse and Joey blow smoke up Ug's ass and essentially guarantee her the part.

Now it's time for the auditions. Aaron, the loudmouthed brat in Michelle's class, is true to his form and very very loud in his rendition of "Yankee Doodle." Ug does her tone deaf thing, all the while with a shit-eating grin because she thinks she has this shit in the bag. The personal highlight of these terrible auditions for me is this little Asian girl who simply stands there, refusing to sing who finally says "I never liked this song." Bwah! I hear ya, sister! Just when Michelle thinks she has this whole thing wrapped up, the guys and Steph notice one little boy sitting off to the side who had yet to audition.

Cue SuperFlamer Derek! I know he's only a little kid here, but I don't think there was ever a more flamboyant child than Derek S. Boyd. He requests the song played in the key of E and pretty much blows all of the other kids (not like that! Pervs!) including Michelle out of the water and secures the lead role as Yankee Doodle. The look on Michelle's face is priceless, and I relish in the joy of one of the few moments where that little shit does not get her way.

Back at the Tanner household, Danny's spending more and more time with Nicky and Alex. Becky's jealousy exhibits itself in some bona fide textbook passive aggressive behavior. Michelle is also stomping around the house pissed off and bitter that the better man got the part she so coveted. DJ volunteers her and Steve to attend "America the Beautiful" which Steve is against. He's naturally less than thrilled about the prospect of wasting precious moments of his life watching some idiotic first grade play. DJ gets mad at him for this... but like, seriously, she's not even having sex with him so does she really expect him to just roll over and submit himself to this kind of torture?

Becky's on the hunt for her boys and finds them taking a bath... with their Uncle Danny.

EW!


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Okay, I think I've recovered. Seriously, the levels of inappropriate behavior Danny reaches in this episode put him in a category with Michael Jackson and R. Kelly. I mean, thankfully he has his swim trunks on, but is it normal for parents/guardians to join their children in the bath? I mean, the twins aren't exactly infants at this point, they're definitely toddlers. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Becky's mad because she wanted to give them their bath and Danny says it's no problem and Becky finally blurts out, "No Danny. It IS a problem." She tells him that she wants him to back off (in a somewhat nicer way) and all is resolved with a hug a smile and some touching instrumentals.

Jesse and Joey go to cater to UgSnot. Even though she doesn't get to be Yankee Doodle, they've created a special role for her (Why? Aren't there enough parts to go around without having to give her special treatment YET AGAIN?!?!) Anywhore, they've cast Ug as Lady Liberty, it entails her saying like 2 lines introducing Yankee Doodle, thankfully NOT singing and predominantly standing there looking fug. Whatever Olsen is bratting their way through this scene totally flubs her lines. J&J pretty much tell her that not everyone can be lead singer in a band and emphasize the importance of the backup support, using the Rippers' bass player Lanny as an example.

It's time for the shit-tastic "America the Beautiful" which, for some reason, Steve ended up getting roped into going, and it's pretty much your typical painful to watch kids' play. Derek gets stagefright and is cowering in the wings until he gets a peptalk from the one and only Ug, and when he comes out and sings, he makes it all about Ug. Yes, that's right. Once again, Michelle weasels her way into the limelight. On that note, I'm going to run head first into a wall to erase the painful memory of this promising episode away.

"Oh girls, you like fresh baked cookies, don't you?" "We prefer store-bought." or Trouble in Twin Town (6.7)

We open on the set of WUSF where some ugly ass old twins are playing polka to hype up the upcoming Twin Expo which is being hosted by none other than Danny. Meanwhile, his lady love Vicki is traveling with the Chicago Bears to Green Bay. Wow, pretty obvious who got the short end of the career stick. Jesse stops by the set to meet up with Becky, who tells him that her annoying cousin Dick and wife Donna are coming into town. Jesse starts to whine, because apparently they're snooty douchebags.

Back at the house, Stephanie is lamenting her boy problems to DJ. Apparently there's this boy in her class named Jimmy who keeps giving her noogies and pulls her hair. Isn't Steph at an age where this behavior's a little passe. Like 5 year olds pull hair, I would think there would be serious reprimands for a 10 or 11 year old boy laying his hands on a girl. DJ theorizes that Jimmy's doing all of these shenanigans because he has a thing for Steph and suggests that she call him.

Dick, Donna and their daughters Debbie and Darla arrive. Dick is played by Mark Linn-Baker who portrayed Coosin (sic) Larry on "Perfect Strangers" "Standing Taaaaaall on the wings of my dream!" For some unexplainable reason, I used to love that show. Ah, remember the days before VH1's "The Surreal Life" exposed Bronson Pinchot as a nasty perv? Anywhore, Dick and Donna are totally snobby assfaces, and Dick is one of those assholes who says insulting things and then tags on a disclaimer that it's a "small joke" as if that somehow makes it okay. Reminds me of this total bitchface at work, who is a snooty rude insulting bitch who claims she was "just kidding, like oh my God can't you take a joke?" whenever you get pissed off at the nasty shit she says. Man, I hate that bitch. Anywhore, Dick and Donna are in town to parade their daughters around in the twin expo and

Steph reports back to DJ how her phone call to Jimmy went. DJ asks if he likes her and Steph says "Close. He hates my guts." He pretty much threatened a restraining order if she ever calls him again. Bwah. DJ tries giving Stephanie more tips on Wooing Boys 101. If you catch a guy staring at you and you smile and he fixes his hair, it either means that he's totally into you or... it means nothing at all. Wow, riveting stuff Deej, look out Dr. Laura!

Haw haw! They stuck Ug with the duty of entertaining the bratty twins. They ask if she has a laser disc player, ha! Oh the early 90s! I remember watching "Stargate" on Laserdisc. Never really got into that whole fad, I was strictly VHS until DVD's took over. Debbie and Darla have a back-up plan, they packed their videogames! Sega Gamegears to be exact! They're playing "Ballerinas of Death" which sounds like 10 kinds of awesome. Ug whines, "When can I have a turn?" and the twins excellently reply "When you buy one!" Zing. Twins 1, Ug 0.

Jesse, Becky, Dick and Donna return from Dinner where Jesse says he "ate so much lobster, [he's] sweatin' buttah!" Cousin Dick smartly replies, "Gee, I hope you didn't ruin your best t-shirt." Those Nebraskan Donaldson's are douches, but damn if they're not hilarious with their biting quips. Joey brings the twins in to their parents, and asks if it's okay that he made them ice cream sundaes. Donna asks Debbie and Darla, "What do you say?" and they reply that the sundaes "would have been better with hot fudge." I'm inclined to agree because without the fudge, it's not really a sundae, is it? Donna does appear to be the only member of the family who is somewhat gracious and polite. Dick and Donna then inform Becky that her ex Doyce just got married. Seriously? "DOYCE"??!! WTF kind of name is that?

Dick and Jesse are left alone and Jesse cuts right to the chase, that he knows Dick doesn't like him. Dick says au contraire mon fraire, he would like Jesse if he was an acquaintance, he would like him if he was his waiter or even his mechanic, but as a brother in law... they always imagined Becky would end up with "better." Better than the Stamos? Impossible! Jesse says that he's not Dick's acquaintance or waiter, and if he was his mechanic, he'd have brake trouble. And furthermore, Jesse is going to enter Nicky and Alex in the Twin Expo and kick the crap out of Debbie and Darla.

At the Twin Expo, Stephanie meets some hunky twins, Andrew and Thomas. She catches them checking her out and when she smiles, they begin fixing their hair! They pass the test! She saunters over to work her Stephanie Tanner charm. Cockblock alert! Apparently Andy and Tommy boy only like doing things with other twins. So Stephanie creates a twin sister for herself, Bethany, and uses DJ's accessories to pull off the switcheroo. Unfortunately, Stephanie is unable to keep track of what costume is her and what is Bethany and comes clean. The boys start to fight over her until she says there's enough Steph to go around. Slut!

Twin Expo shenanigans. There's some slutty blondes whom Steve really digs, Debbie and Darla read an abysmal poem, and Nicky and Alex come out dressed as Elvis impersonators. Yeah... Just as Danny's about to announce the winners, he takes a phone call from his precious Vicki. That's professional. Apparently she's not the only one in the Bears locker room that wears heels. This episode sucks so let's just cut to the chase, Nicky and Alex win the Twin Expo, Jesse gets to shove it in Dick's face (hee, that was a fun sentence).

"Huey, Dewey and Louie remind you of Steve." or House Meets the Mouse (6.23 and 6.24)

Okay okay okay, I know that I've been a total slagass about updates, but you can't get mad at me because TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! Woooo! I took the night off of work and promise to blog away. And since it's my birthday I can do whatever freaking recap I want, so without further adieu, one of the most requested recaps and two of my most favorite episodes, the Tanners' two part trip to Disney!

Jesse has a gig booked to perform a concert in the Magic Kingdom of Disneyland and plans to broadcast his radio show from there, and the whole family, plus Kimmy, is tagging along. Because, really? Are the Tanners capable of doing ANYthing on their own without the crutch of their extended family?

Once they get there, Danny's got an anal retentive itinerary worked out for the whole family which they promptly reject in favor of doing their own thang. DJ misses Steve like whoa almost immediately, and part of me wants to snark and make fun, but part of me recalls how utterly codependent I was for my high school boyfriend when we were separated for a week. In fact, funny story about my ex-boyfriend and Disney. He went to celebrate New Year's Eve in Disneyworld with his douchebag loser friend and his friend's family, and he was arrested for shoplifting trying to procure a souvenir for me. Quite the prince, eh? So, he had to spend a night in Disney jail (yes, there is such a thing) and was banned from most of the park. I remember his mother calling me and saying "Something happened in Florida, you need to call Jeff" (Yeah, I'm using his name, what of it? I'm sure he'll never read this) So I'm freaking out and finally get him on the phone and he's blubbering like a baby. He comes home, sans souvenir for me ("They took your present back" Yeah, because it was STOLEN) and bragging about it to his friends. We broke up like a month after that. Eh, that wasn't a great story, but I'm sure you've all missed my semi-random tangents.

So anyway, DJ is whining to her sisters and Kimmy about missing Steve and imagines that she sees him everywhere. The girls are lined up to rub Aladdin's lamp in hopes of becoming Princess for the Day, henceforth known as PftD. Stephanie is next up and UgSnot cuts in front of her and naturally, rubs the lamp and makes the Genie appear, granting her the title of PftD. I don't think I need to tell you that Princess Michelle is the biggest cunt to her sisters, and brats it up all over the Magic Kingdom. DJ, Kimmy and Steph tire of Ug's bossiness and are talking smack about her and possibly plotting her demise. Ug overhears and in true shitkicker form, runs away to teach them a lesson.

Meanwhile, the patriarch of the fam is stressing out because he's trying to propose to his curly haired vixen Vicki, but all of his attempts are derailed by ridiculous interruption after interruption.

Becky and the twins feel neglected by Jesse who's busy with band rehearsals and his radio show. I don't know why Becky's pissing and moaning about it so much because what did she expect? This wasn't a vacation for pleasure, it was a business trip.

Joey goes to meet up with one of his friends who's a Disney animator and when left to his own devices, doodles a cartoon Joey who comes to life and chit chats with real life Joey. Whoa, where'd you score the peyote in the Magic Kingdom, Gladstone?

Danny is having dinner with Vicki in a restaurant that is apparently underwater, and as he's about to get all romantical, Jesse and Joey come a tap tap tapping on the window. They're conducting their radio show from an underwater bubble station. At the conclusion of the show, Jesse's about to surface to meet Becky for a romantic picnic, until Joey points out that there's a shark in the tank with them. If memory serves, it's just a Nurse Shark, who is a common resident in most aquarium tanks and is of no threat to people (although most sharks don't pose a threat to people unless provoked or the person places themselves in a most idiotic position (I watch a lot of Shark Week)).

Becky is waiting for Jesse with the picnic, and Chip and Dale (Rescue Rangers! (Man, their names are a helluva lot funnier now that I'm older and know what Chippendale's is)). She ends up offering up the contents of the basket to the chipmunks and stomps off.

Michelle's having a tea party with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, kicking it while her entire family is freaking out going insane looking for her. But, seriously? What are they so worked up over? Just count your blessings and hightail it the fuck out of there before that little troll comes crawling back. Danny and Vicki find her, that whore Snow White ratted her out! Danny at least sort of puts Ug in her place, telling her to stop bratting it up and they take her back with them, much to the delight of all Seven Dwarves.

Jesse finally arrives late to the picnic and finds Chip and Dale have devoured his lunch. He rushes back to the hotel and finds Becky who looks miffed. He serenades her to apologize and naturally, she melts like buttah.

Danny brings the girls to take in the awesome Indiana Jones attraction, where they mercilessly tease him about proposing to Vicki. Of course, DJ imagines that Indiana Jones is Steve, and when he gets "run down" by the giant rolling boulder, she jumps out of her seat and cries out and looks like a major tool. I'm embarrassed for her. Apparently Michelle hasn't learned anything and is still twatting it up all over Disney, so Stephanie feigns fatigue and asks to go back to the hotel. I think Ug's face is supposed to convey her guilt, but she just looks constipated.

Back at the hotel, DJ laments that she's once again imagining Steve, this time at the check out desk. But, this time it's not just DJ being crazy. Kimmy verifies that it really is the one and only human garbage disposal, Steve! In one of the most awesome FH moments ever, as DJ and Steve run towards one another in romantical slow-motion, Steve gets tripped up on his duffel bag and totally bites it!

Joey tries to confront Stephanie to get to the root of what's bothering her. Stephanie finally blurts out "I'm sick of her always getting her own way!" You and me both, Steph. Joey then waxes philosophical and dances around the real issue at hand, that Ug is a monstrous brat and says that Stephanie is really angry because she cheated herself out of having fun because she was mad at Michelle. Um, what about the fact that Michelle cut Stephanie in line. Yeah, Stephanie could have still tried to make the most of it, but let's not excuse Ug's continuous shithead behavior! Joey asks how Stephanie felt when she thought Michelle was missing. Ecstatic? Yes, but Steph lies and tells Joey she was "scared." Suuuure.

It's time for Michelle's final wish as PftD. She wishes to make Stephanie happy and let her be princess for the rest of the day. She says "I thought how you should have been princess anyway." Funny how you wait until the end of the fucking day to show this gesture of goodwill. Snow White says that because Michelle was so "unselfish" she, along with the entire Tanner clan, gets to ride in the parade. Are you fucking shitting me? She only was PftD because she cut her sister in line, acted like an entitled bossy brat the entire fucking day, and then at the last minute relinquishes her title to her sister and they qualify that as unselfish? Snotty piece of shit. God I hate Michelle!

So the entire family rides in the parade, la dee dah, and the culmination of the trip is Jesse and the Rippers performing at Cinderella's castle. Snow White fills in as Joey's co-DJ for the radio show. Jesse wishes Becky a happy anniversary, and oh, I guess that's why she wanted to spend so much time together. Way to try and mix business and pleasure there, Jess. Jesse then launches into a sexified version of "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." Danny finally proposes to Vicki in fireworks form and naturally she accepts, but *SPOILER* they never actually make it down the aisle.

Sorry I've been MIA for so long, but Happy Birthday to me, and Happy Belated Birthday to John Stamos, who turned 45 on Tuesday!

"You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a garbage disposal!" or The Heartbreak Kid (6.16)

This episode is dually awesome and atrocious. First of all, it sucks because it's pretty Michelle-centric. On the other hand, it also involves Michelle having her heart broken and being generally humiliated, so it's a fair trade.

The girls, plus Steve and Kimmy are in the kitchen making cookies. Kimmy has apparently taken up anatomy class at school and is toting her textbook around for gross-out purposes only. She shows Michelle a picture of an actual human heart and Michelle replies with "Ewwww!" and I laugh at how early on in the episode that Michelle's misery begins! Steve made an "M" cookie covered in sprinkles and presents it to Michelle, prompting jokes from him and D.J. about it being true love. You can tell by the vacant idiot gaze on Michelle's face that she's not in on the joke. Oh, this is going to be so good.

Stephanie is up in the attic, aka Jesse and Rebecca and the twins' "apartment," and is trying to teach Jesse how to use a laptop. Jesse is completely computer illiterate, and I guess it's supposed to be funny, but it's a really boring attempt at humor.

Joey and Danny are going through old junk and it comes out that Joey dated one of Danny's exes. Danny is understandably pissed (Bro's before Ho's, y'all) but before they can really get into it, who should interrupt but that UgSnot Michelle. Ug asks Danny what you do when you love someone and after some bitter barbs thrown Joey's way, he tells her that when you really love someone, you marry them.

UgSnot's a woman on a mission, she seeks out Steve and proposes to him. D.J. and Steve play along and D.J. even forges a ring for Michelle. Ug is soooooo fucking happy and so am I... because I know how this is going to turn out and I love seeing Michelle in pain!!!

Because they're completely nuts and can't stop living in the past, Joey calls this ex-girlfriend of both Danny and Joey to get the real story about who she loved more or whatever, and it turns out that she dated both of them to make some other guy jealous. Who was this masked man you ask? None other than the San Fran Don Juan, Jesse Katsopolis!, natch. Just then, Jesse comes down the stairs freaking out because his shitty kids, Nicky and Alex, managed to erase his entire report off of his computer. Luckily the Miracle Worker (no! Not Anne "Annie" Sullivan (what what? Massachusetts repreSENT!), Stephanie Tanner!) is on hand to retrieve the lost file.

Denise pokes her head into the kitchen to tell the family to haul ass into the living room as it's time for Michelle's wedding. Denise plays the wedding march on her kazoo and to the surprise of no one, our blushing bride looks completely fug. Comet is carrying her train behind her. Denise instructs Michelle and Steve to hold hands and Ug holds out her hand, looks at Steve and says, "It's okay, I washed." Ewww, like do you not do that regularly? Are you a nosepicker? God I hate her.

They are "married" and then Steve starts to leave to get back home because it's meatloaf night. Mmm meatloaf. UgSnot didn't grasp the whole "pretend" aspect of her wedding and tells Steve that he can't leave because they're married now. The family tries to gently let her down with reasoning. Danny says that if she's married, she can no longer share a room with Stephanie. Stephanie gets caught up in the excitement of a life less fugly and jumps at the prospect of her own room, missing the point of trying to clue Michelle in to her wedding being a sham.

Joey throws his two cents in that when you get married, you move away from your family. Good argument except oh yeah, Uncle Jesse still lives in the attic with his wife and two kids. Might be a good time to hint that they find their own ace-play. I mean, are they going to live in an attic with two teenage boys? That's ridiculous!

And oh jesus, here comes some horribly Olsen dramatic acting. With zero emotion or inflection, UgSnot says robotically, "I don't believe it." Then she hurls her bouquet down and again says sans emotion, "That was mean. Really mean." Cue dramatic music as she runs up to her room and cue my uproarious laughter at her expense. Stupid troll.

The rest of the episode's pretty weak since everyone apologizes and kisses Michelle's ass. Steve and D.J. offer to make it up to her and with her trademarked UgSnot-shit-eating grin she requests pizza. Steve says it will be on him, and as the girls file out of the room, he turns to Danny and asks the T to spot him the money to feed his piggish daughters. I'd point out the massive amounts of money Steve saves by consuming every single edible item in the Tanner household, but in his defense, I wouldn't want to spend any of my money on Michelle either.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Valentine's weekend! I've been working non-stop, but I get to see my Valentine Sunday, so yay! In closing, I leave you with the romantic words of John on CMT's "My Big Redneck Wedding": "I wish I could put your love in a locket, because you're hotter than a Hot Pocket!" (His mother's reply to these touching vows? "Oo, I love Hot Pockets!")

Who said romance is dead? Hope you enjoyed all the Valentine's recaps!