"Stacy Q; she's so rad!" or DJ Tanner's Day Off (1.22)

As promised, I am back to blogging! And what better welcome back than an episode with a super cool guest star! It's Stacy Q! She's so rad!



DJ is dancing around her bedroom singing along to a Stacy Q song using her hairbrush as a microphone, when she is interrupted by Kimmy who comes in, turns off the music and busts out laughing at her. But, come on, who HASN'T danced around their bedroom/apartment/dorm belting out into their hairbrush? Kimmy shows DJ that she got a note to excuse her from school the next day so that she can go get Stacy Q's autograph from the mall. DJ reads the note aloud and I swear she says "Cammy" instead of "Kimmy." She asks if her mother wrote the note, and Kimmy says that she had to pay her brother $20 for it. The joke's on him, because she stole the money from his wallet.


Danny is getting ready to go to LA to cover a surfing competition for work. He provides Jesse and Joey with an extensive list of emergency phone numbers. J&J mock Danny for his paranoia and anal retentiveness. Danny goes down the line, hugging all of the girls and gushing about how much he'll miss them. He gets so carried away that he even hugs Kimmy. J&J tell the girls it's time for bed, and I'm so confused about the timeline of this show. What the hell time is it that Kimmy is coming over, but it's nearly bedtime? Right before he walks out the door, DJ asks Danny if he minds if she gets an autograph from Stacy Q. He says he doesn't mind at all, so she asks if he'll sign a note excusing her from school. Danny says no, and DJ attempts to argue that Kimmy can do it, so why can't she. Danny awesomely replies that there's a lot of things about Kimmy that he doesn't understand. Bwah! DJ insists that if she doesn't get Stacy Q's autograph, she'll die! She refuses to hug Danny, and instead sticks out her hand for a handshake and sternly says "Goodbye father." Danny laughs and pulls her in for a hug, then leaves. Kimmy is sympathetic and sorry that DJ didn't get the note signed, but DJ is determined and vows that she's not giving up yet.

Jesse is playing guitar in his room and singing a horrible song with idiotic, nonsensical lyrics. DJ comes in and pretends to love it and begins some hardcore sucking up. Jesse calls her on it, but is so flattered that whatever it is she's trying to get, he'll give it to her. Ugh, that sentence came off way dirtier than inteneded. DJ tells him that she's writing an essay for school about the person she admires most and says that she chose to write about him. Amazingly enough, Jesse buys this crock of shit, and she begins her interview by asking if Jesse ever ditched out of school. He tells her how he once cut school to go to the Rolling Stones' 5th or 6th farewell tour. Aren't concerts usually at nighttime? Would he really need to skip school for that? Sorry, nitpicking. DJ gets the specifics of his master plan and peaces out. Jesse can't believe that's the extent of the interview, so she asks what his favorite color is. For those of you assembling the FH trivia game at home, Uncle Jesse's favorite color is black.

The next morning, DJ is taking the necessary steps to dupe Joey with her fake illness. She creates the illusion of a fever of 101, a hot forehead, icy hands and moans that she's "siiiiick" (that's sick with 5 i's). Stephanie yells for Joey and tells him DJ's sick. DJ feigns a desire to go to school because she has a big test on "C-c-c-Canada." Joey leaves to go call the school, and DJ remarks to herself how "rad" she is.

Next scene DJ is bounding through the kitchen sporting warm hands and a cool head, ready and willing to go to school. Joey thinks he's got her all figured out. He thinks she was never sick to begin with and felt guilty for her deception so she was now willing to go to school. Well, you're about half right. DJ leaves and goes with Kimmy to go meet Stacy Q. She DOES seem pretty rad. She tells the girls "See you soon!" and DJ and Kimmy excitedly squeal "She wants to be our friend!" Suuuure. Just then, who should enter the store but Joey toting Ug on a leash (good to see the Tanners obey leash laws on their ugly mutt!). Naturally, Ug has to ruin DJ's master plan by crawling over to where her and Kimmy are crouched and hiding. And God DAMN is she a fugly toddler. I am literally disgusted by her.

Joey is furious, he came down to get DJ an autograph because he was so impressed with her honesty. He seizes her autograph and clips the leash onto her jean jacket and leads her out, to her major humiliation. That is pretty brutal. Joey calls Jesse home from work early citing an emergency. Jesse is unimpressed with the reason of "DJ cut school." Joey is outraged at the deception and Jesse isn't really buying it until he realizes that he unwittingly provided DJ with her master plan. When he realizes that he was duped by her story about an essay on the person she admires most. Both men come to the conclusion that DJ is a conniving little sneak. That's pretty harsh language for the FH universe. On a much more shallow note, I must comment how extremely foxy Jesse's looking in his exterminator uniform rocking a backwards red baseball cap. Hott.

Jesse begins lecturing the delinquent DJ and catches himself when he realizes that he's echoing the words of his father. J&J go back and forth trying to one-up each other with more extreme punishments and end up coming up with no television, music or friends over for a month. DJ laments that she hates herself for breaking the trust of Danny and the guys and to me, this scene reeks of insincerity and another scheme on her part... especially because it totally gets her off the hook. The guys even go so far as to vow to keep her misdeed a secret from Danny.

And just then, Danny returns home from LA speaking surfer and within a matter of moments, Stephanie completely blows their cover by asking DJ how she's feeling. The guys tell Danny that DJ was sick in the morning, but went off to school when she was feeling better. Again, Stephanie blows it by saying that she got all of DJ's homework from her teachers since she missed school. This is what bugs me, and I know it's for plot, but two grownass men and a proven conniver couldn't have thought of this as the cover story: DJ was sick in the morning, and started feeling better later in the afternoon, but by that time it was pointless to send her back to school. Maybe I'm just a far better liar than the Tanner clan.

Stephanie is particularly hurt by DJ's lies and betrayal, because she made her a Get Well card and was genuinely concerned for her sister's health. In retaliation for DJ's deception, she begins work on a Get Sick card. Bwah. I should start sending those out to my enemies. Danny comes in and launches into a classic Tanner lecture and tells DJ that the worst part of her lies was not just cutting school or tricking Stephanie, but that she acted selfishly and without any regard for all of the people who may have been hurt by her lies. Danny says that no matter what, he'll always love all of his girls the same, but then adds "I wish Michelle was here, she's my favorite!" He's laughing when he says it, so he's obviously joking, but it's so out of character for Danny to make a comment like that. Not to mention that Michelle is a big ball of ugly sucktitude. And the episode ends on that weirdly inappropriate remark, something I found that really odd.

"Froggy went a-courtin' and he did right, uh huh" or, The Seven Month Itch, Parts I and II (1.19 and 1.20)

Hey all, sorry I was pretty lazy about posting. I managed to catch a couple of the episodes I missed from Season One the first go-round, but ABC Family skipped ahead to Season Two already before I could get anymore. To compensate, I provide you with a Two-Parter episode recap! Joygasm! On a personal note, sobriety's going quite well. It's been pretty easy because I work with a lot of alcoholics that disgust me and I have terrific willpower. But, enough about me, there's FH to recap!

Oh, one last note. For some reason, several of the keys on my keyboard have been sticking lately (the main culprits have been the C,N, and K) so if there's a plethora of typos, don't get on my ass for it (This is mainly for my sister who is an English teacher and erego, a total Grammar Nazi).

Jesse's on the phone with his girlfriend du jour planning a romantic weekend for the two of them because Danny and Joey are taking the girls to Disneyland. Stephanie interrupts the phone call before he can get into the really dirty talk and is bursting with excitement over the upcoming trip to see Mickey & Co.

Jesse tries to hurry the family out the door so that he can get to the sexin' with his woman, and can you blame him? Stephanie is on the same page and eager to leave as well. As soon as their out the door, Jesse has a little celebration to himself about his impending weekend of serenity. And you just KNOW shit's about to get fucked up for our well-coiffed hero.

Jesse comes back in from playing tennis with Samantha, who looks eerily similar to Robin. And how's this for a small world, the actress playing her is none other than the future Mrs. Kirk Cameron, Chelsea Noble. How weird that they guest-star on back-to-back episodes of FH. He's raving about beating her three times even though she's been playing for years and today was his first day picking up a racket. Mid-celebration he realizes that she let him win. They're stoked about finally getting some alone time beause Sam apparently lives with her parents (LOSER!) and Jesse lives "in Pee Wee's Playhouse" (EVEN BIGGER LOSER!) Sam goes to shower and Jesse brings her some champagne and tries to sneak a peak at her naked. Um hello? Dude! Hop on in there and join her!

Downstairs there's a wrench being thrown in Jesse (and Stephanie's) plans. Turns out that their was a massive amount fo fog and they couldn't fly out. Danny promises Steph an evening of Family Fun, but she's not biting. Jesse is in the kitchen prepping his romantic candlelight dinner and has yet to realize that the family's back. Danny thinks Jesse is in the shower, and alerts him that they're home. Only it's Sam and not Jesse in the shower. Yikes. Awk. Ward. Danny calls for Jesse and he hears the cries from upstairs and a look of pure horror crosses his face as realization of ruined plans dawns on him.

D.J., Joey and Steph go into the kitchen and begin ravaging Jesse's romantic dinner. Assholes. If he wasn't expecting them to return, why the hell would they think that that dinner was for them? Jerks. I blame Joey. He's (technically) the adult and should know better. Piggish asshole. Jesse violently shakes a shrimp cocktail out of Joey's grasp and demands to know why they're there and ruining his first night of sex in a month. He doesn't quite say that, but come on, read between the lines people. Jesse and Steph slump down in their chairs and declare theat they hate fog. On a related note, me too.

Family fun night is commencing and Stephanie is not feeling the sing along. To Sam's credit, she's being a really good sport and embracing the FF (Family Fun) when she should have really been having a FF (that's me and the boyf's code for "Fuck Fest" (What? TMI?)). Danny accidentally drops some adjectives that also happen to be the names of some of the 7 Dwarves and Stephanie is heartbroken once again. Jesse hints that the entire family am-scray so that he and Sam can have a little alone time. She says that his family's terriffic and she doesn't mind the romance of their weekend being ruined. Maybe Jesse's not that great in the sack? I know I'd be PISSED about no sex for a month. Or maybe she's getting some on the downlow? Harlot! They can't even go out the next night because apparently Jesse got roped into baby-sitting Michelle. How? If Danny and Joey were planning on being at Disneyland all weekend, presumably they'd have no plans since they've returned home early, so why can't one of them watch the rugrat? I'm calling shenanigans on this plotpoint!

D.J. and Danny try to console Stephanie and Danny pretty much tells her to suck it up and find a new way to have fun because she essentially can't do shit about the fog and cancelled flight. Obviously Danny Tanner uses much more flowery speech, but the Milkman doesn't mince words. And how awesome would it be if he actually did say that to Steph?

Joey wanders into Jesse's room and they have some man talk about living there. Joey loves it because it's the first time he's ever been part of a big family, but Jesse confesses that sometimes it gets to him. He used to live on the edge and live his life with no strings attached and he feels like he's settled into married domestic life without the perks of constant sex (again, you just gotta read between the lines). He pours his heart out to Joey and Joey cracks jokes and Jesse gets really fem and emo here. Joey finally agrees to be serious and listen and Jesse ponders whether or not living there is holding him back and wonders if maybe he needs to do something about it. Joey tells him to sleep on it.

Bad idea. Jesse has what starts out as a sexy dream about Samantha that is rudely interrupted by the girls, Danny and Joey. Ugh, we're also "treated" to an appearance by both Fug Olsens at once. Even better? They're voiced by Joey's idiotic baby voice. Seriously, the sight of both Olsens with that creepy baby voice is truly demonic and a little bit unsettling. I am seriously disturbed. Apparently so is Jesse, who wakes up and decides that he can't take it anymore and bolts.

The next morning, Joey and Danny go to wake up Jesse and find that he's taken off (to Lake Tahoe, but they don't know that yet) with his friends and doesn't know if or when he'll return. The girls come in and ask where Uncle Jesse is and Danny and Joey look at one another, panicked and unsure what to tell them. And so ends part one.

Part two opens where the last one left off with Joey stating that Jesse ran away from home. The girls pop in and ask where he is, and Danny ushers them out as the two guys wonder what they're going to tell them. Danny says as their father, he should be the one to tell them and for Joey to just play dumb. You asked the right guy! They babble something about Jesse going on vacation to the desert and even the girls aren't gullible enough to swallow this tripe.

Joey makes an inedible breakfast and the meal is interrupted by a phone call from Jesse. Danny asks him how the desert is and Jesse is obviously confused and replies that he's skiing in Tahoe with his friends and doesn't know when he'll be back. When Jesse hangs with his friends, he apparently has sing alongs. Hm. Not my first choice of activity, but whatever floats your boat. He vows to find his own place when he gets back to San Fran. Don't you mean "If" you go back, Jess?

Danny tries to give D.J. a guitar lesson and hey! Continuity! Reference to Danny's mad guitar skillz and D.J.'s foray into guitar playing. D.J. is being difficult and it's because she noticed that most of Jesse's stuff was moved out and is onto the fact that he might not be coming back. Danny is honest with her and says that he doesn't know for sure if Jesse's coming back and says that he can't force him beause he's an adult.

Ug helps Stephanie move into Uncle Jesse's old room. D.J. comes in and pretty much blabs the news about Jesse to Stephanie. Way to keep a secret there, Deej. Stephanie says that since Danny can't get Jesse back, it's up to them. The girls start scheming away.

In Tahoe, one of Jesse's friends answers the phone. They tell him to let Jesse know that Michelle is sick with a cough and fever. Jesse comes in from sliding on his ass down the ski slopes and his fug friend tells him that the baby's sick. Jesse goes into full Mr. Mom mode and is in a tizzy because he's apparently the only one who can get Michelle to take her cough medicine. He immediately tells his friends sorry, but he's gotta peace out and hops onto his motorcycle to brave the cold weather and get home to his precious UgBaby.

He comes in all worried and such and demands to know the Ug's whereabouts from a clueless Danny and Joey. They inform him that Michelle isn't sick and the three brain trusts deduce that the girls must have called and made up the story in an attempt to lure Jesse back home. He's about to take off again until Danny tells him how badly the girls were shaken up by his abrupt departure. Danny and Joey also gently point out that the reason Jesse rushed home is because he's so involved in the girls' lives and ask if that's really such a bad thing. Jesse looks thoughtful... and mullety, and decides that life in the Playhouse isn't so bad.

Jesse goes upstairs to tell D.J. and Stephanie that he's back and they're thrilled that their plan worked. They verify that he's there to stay (he says not forever, but certainly for a long time (I say it's probably forever, bub (I really can't get over the fact that he ends up living in the attic when he's MARRIED with TWINS!))) Finally he stops into the nursery to have a big long sappy monologue to Michelle about how worried he was when he thought she was sick and I long for the first episode when Jesse's reaction to Michelle was to tell her to shut up. Those were the days.

"I'll bet that if you don't give my money back, you're gonna die!" or Just One of the Guys (1.18)

Time to fill in all of the gaps of the first go-round... well except for the last episode that I was too tired to pay attention to. Oh well, who doesn't love a little Kirk Cameron action?

Squeee! Kirk Cameron guest-starring on FH! He plays Steve, Danny's nephew who is a few years older than D.J. but used to be her best friend every time he came to visit. D.J. tells Kimmy that he has glasses, braces and a face full of zits, but that he's a ton of fun. When he arrives, his face is cleared up, he got contacts and his braces were taken off. Now he's the massive pre-Born Again Christian hunky incarnation of Kirk Cameron.

D.J. asks Steve to go ice-skating and he shoots her down in favor of basketball with the guys. You can see that D.J.'s a little hurt but she brushes it off.

Later D.J., Kimmy and Stephanie make lunch for the guys and D.J. tells Kimmy that she found all these pictures from THanksgiving 2 years ago nd she wants to show them to Steve and reminisce about the good times. The guys come in hungry after their game and swoop in and pick up lunch and move into the living room to watch the Celtics-Lakers game (GO CELTICS!). Kimmy departs on a quest for pickles for Steve.

While watching the game, Joey bets Jesse a dollar that Magic steals the ball from... someone, and obviously he does. He makes a more elaborate and intricate prediction and Jesse and everyone else is blown away... until Stephanie remarks that she's so impressed because Joey didn't know that any of those things were going to happen when they watched the game together this morning. Jesse pops a cassette out of the VCR and threatens to bludgeon Joey with it unless he gets his money back.

Ug's cries drift downstairs and Steve offers to go check on the brat. Danny thanks him and then doubts his experience with babies, but since he secretly hates Ug, he'll allow a 17 year old boy with no infant knowledge to handle things. Joey comments that Steve's a great kid and Danny thanks J&J for being so good to Steve and helping provide a manly environment for him to thrive in since his father apparently peaced out not too long ago.

Up in Ug's nursery, Steve's clueless and D.J. is there to decode Michelle's piercing cries and teach him how to put on diapers, and once again asks him to go ice skating, sweetening the deal with an invite to eat pizza and go to a boy-girl party. Steve tells her that he's too old to do those kinds of things and says he already has plans to go to the Warriors game with Danny. Danny then comes in and announces that the next day they'll all be going to the park for a picnic and some touch football and calls Steve to come watch the Bull-Pistons game (I'M INDIFFERENT TO BOTH!), leaving D.J. to deal with stinky baby. She plops the newly diapered Michelle down in a chair and asks her what she thinks of her cousin Steve. Michelle gurgles in response and D.J. laments that Steve has turned into a big jock who has no time for her anymore. Sad music.

D.J. is in the living room with J&J where they are teaching her the fundamentals of football. She's loving it and getting really into the machismo of [manly voice] FOOTBALL!!! [/end manly voice] At the park, the family's lounging while Jesse plays on the guitar and wearing a really poor choice in headwear. Kimmy offers Steve another sandwich and he declines, and D.J. butts in spouting off a bunch of random sports statistics. She's met with stares from everyone and breaks the tension by suggesting they play some football.

Danny and Jesse are captains (because it's Danny's ball and Jesse's hair looks like a helmet) and Danny's team is Steve, Kimmy and Steph. Jesse's team is D.J., Michelle, and Joey... but they need to spot them a touchdown. Jesse's team strikes first, and Kimmy consoles Steve with an ass slap. Ha, I love Kimmy. Steve tells the girls to sit out so they guys can play some "real" football, but how real is it going to be with 4 people? D.J. gets all fired up by this rampant display of sexism and tackles intended receiver Steve with a pass interference. Bitch laid him OUT!

D.J. flips a shit when they call a penalty and bursts out that Danny should just adopt Steve already, because it's pretty obvious that's what he wants. She runs off and Kimmy's there to break the tension with another ass slap.

Danny talks to D.J. and he tries to explain that since Steve's father moved out, it's important for Steve to have time with the guys and D.J. parrots back all of the information and says that it's all well and good, except when you're a girl and you want to spend some time with your formerly favorite cousin.

Back at the house, D.J. is sitting in her room moping when Steve knocks on the door. He came up to talk to her about why she "clobbered" (his words, not mine. I don't think I've ever used the word "clobber" in a conversational sense) him during the touch football game. She says that she was mad at him because she was so looking forward to his visit and he didn't want anything to do with her. He wouldn't even go ice-skating (the nerve!) and she misses "the OLD Steve." He says he's still the same and it's just that the age difference of 17 and 11 feels like a really big deal right now, but when they're much older (like 100 and 94) it won't matter. They try starting over and make plans to go ice-skating and, what else? Hug it out. Bye Steve! We'll never see you again!

"It's That Kind of Attitude that Broke up the Go-Go's" or But Seriously, Folks (1.16)

Jesse is in his bedroom with D.J. and Kimmy Gibbler (Ew! Not like THAT!) He's helping D.J. learn the guitar because her and Kimmy started a band called "The Bracelets." Heh, Bangles, Bracelets... touche, writers. D.J.'s having some trouble mastering the guitar, but Kimmy's a whiz on the keyboard. Her and Jesse play the song "Venus" with Kimmy singing. D.J. chimes in, drumming on the back of her guitar and singing... poorly. Yikes. Candace Cameron is not musically inclined. Danny interrupts their band practice to tell them to hurry and get ready to go see Joey's comedy show. Wow, Joey booked a show? It must be open mic/amateur night. Kimmy rudely suggests that D.J. should maybe stay home and practice and possibly consider quitting school altogether.

The family is now in the living room, waiting to go, and Jesse says they have to wait for his date. There's an adorable little skit here, where Jesse says he's so nervous and then his date walks through the door and lo and behold, it's Stephanie. They have a cute dialogue trying to be very formal and polite. Stephanie is carrying a purse and D.J. asks why she would need one. Steph reveals the contents: change for a phone call, keys to some place, and an orange. "They do make a lovely couple," remarks Danny.

Now at the club, Ed Alonso, a magician best known as Max from The Max Diner from "Saved by the Bell," is performing. Joey is on deck and stoked to be following a magician, because apparently the audience is "dying to laugh." I don't think Joey's one to critique someone for a hack routine.

Again, I need to take a moment to describe Joey's hideous attire. His outfits rival those of Claudia Kishi from the Baby-Sitter Club book series. For his chance at a big break, Joey decides to class it up with a teal Hawaiian print shirt with red and yellow flowers, black slacks, white sneakers, a fuschia sport coat and a silver bolo necktie. Pair that with Joey's curly mullet, and you've got one hell of a fashion trainwreck on your hands. Yikes.

Just as Joey's about to take the stage to perform in front of a guy from HBO and potentially get his big break, a familiar cackle emanates throughout the club. It's none other than comedy legend Phyllis Diller. They call Phyllis onto the stage to perform, and she obliges... for an hour and a half. Joey? Fucked! He finally takes the stage and everyone is filing out. In one of the most pathetic displays I've ever seen, Joey literally begs the audience to stay and watch his comedy. It's past HBO guy's bedtime and he also peaces out. BWAH!

The next day, the family goes down to Joey's room to find him dressed in a suit with his hair slicked back, now calling himself "Joe." Joey is quitting comedy and planning to pursue a career in the business world. What business is that? Well, Joey doesn't specify, and seeing as he really has no qualifications, I'm pretty sure this isn't going to pan out. Joey says that he tried and failed he's glad he figured it out now, rather than when he's 46. D.J. appears to be pretty crushed by this revelation, and the rest of the family looks pretty concerned. I think they should be celebrating, but that's me.

The next day, Danny and Jesse attempt baby aerobics with UgBaby Michelle. It's almost cute, and I laugh a little when Jesse asks Michelle if she's feeling insecure about "those chubby little legs." Joey comes home after allegedly receiving a plethora of job offers, and turns down watching cartoons in favor of reading the Wall Street Journal. Danny remarks that he's worried about Joey and Jesse replies, "Joey's always worried me." Heh.

Jesse finds out that D.J. is quitting the guitar because it's too hard and she's no good. He tries his hand at parenting by telling an anecdote about his passion for music when he was a young boy. Apparently he pawned his bike in exchange for a guitar and practiced night and day until one day, the music "surged through him." D.J. is unimpressed and Jesse is fed up and goes to Danny and tells him that they need to fix this.

The guys take Joey back to the club to watch Jesse perform for amateur night. Jesse, still performing with the surname Cochran (I'm guessing the name change didn't change until the second season). Rather than play his guitar, Jesse decides to try his hand at comedy, specifically Joey's comedy. He "butchers" Joey's jokes, but in all fairness, they weren't all that funny to begin with. Joey heckles him with such witty quips as calling Jesse a "yahoo bird" and claiming he's committing "comedy murder." Shut up, Joe.

Naturally their plan works, and they get Joey to take the stage and because everyone in the club audience that evening suffers from mild retardation or perhaps severe intoxication, they don't walk out and actually laugh. Joey, rejuvenated by his well-received performance is now back in the comedy saddle. Jesse and Danny aren't done with him yet, they tell him that his abrupt departure from his passion inspired D.J. to quit the guitar. For some weird reason, she looks up to Joey.

Joey decides now would be a good time for a pep talk despite the fact that it's nighttime and both of the girls are already tucked into bed. He rouses them to tell them he's back in comedy and that D.J. shouldn't give up on her music. Steph's happy to have Joey back, rather than the moussed-back Joe. D.J. decides that he's right and picks up the guitar and begins to painfully strum out the chords to "Venus." Poor Stephanie just wants to go back to bed. And D.J.'s guitar will never be heard from again.

"Can you feel it?" or The Miracle [Dum-da-da-daaa] of Thanksgiving (1.9)

I must preface this recap with the acknowledgment that this episode is kind of tough to snark on. It's actually pretty touching and heartwarming without being overwhelmingly cheesy, but I'm sure Joey will do something idiotic for me to hate on.

It's Thanksgiving morning and Danny goes into the nursery to wake up UgBaby Michelle. Bearing a decorative turkey, he pep talks her to try and get her to say "turkey" that night over dinner to "blow everyone away". I guess that would be mildly impressive. Danny brings Michelle into Jesse's room and plops her down onto his face in a sort of reverse tea-bagging. I can't think of a more unpleasant way to be woken up than nasty UglyBaby ass on my face.

Jesse's not too enthused about being woken up early, but is surprisingly unfazed by the whole butt on the face thing. Hm. The guys go downstairs to wake up the annoyingly perky Joey. I would just like to take a moment to point out that once again, Joey's mannequin in the alcove is wearing pajamas identical to the ones Joey is in. I know this is probably just something the prop/costume teams do, but it's still freaky. So we're to think that this grown ass man not only has a mannequin (as if that weren't weird enough), but that he changes it's clothes daily to match his own attire? That is just so creepy!

Danny is stressed because apparently it snowed a lot in Tacoma. Why does anyone care? Well, it turns out that Claire, aka Granny Tanny lives in Tacoma and was supposed to be flying in to help cooking Thanksgiving dinner. But due to inclement weather, she's snowed in. Tanner Thanksgiving = Fucked. Danny is panicked. This is the first Thanksgiving they're celebrating since the death of Pam, and he wants everything to be perfect so that it's easier on the girls. Aww, poor Danny. I can't even imagine what this situation must be like. No hate here.

Danny's afraid that he can't put together a decent meal without Pam or his mother helping and wants to eat out. D.J. is thoroughly opposed to the idea and insists that they give it a shot. She said that last year her mother taught her how to make her pumpkin pie, and that Grandma told her how to prepare the turkey when they last spoke on the phone. Danny's touched and encouraged by the enthusiasm and they decide to give it the old college try.

Cooking montage to the song "Get Ready." I love cooking big dinners in a group, especially with the radio or a CD blasting. It can be a really kickass time. We didn't usually perform dance routines like the Tanner clan are doing, but yeah, it's a cute scene. They prepare their feast on the table and Joey and Jesse go to carve the turkey. D.J. is very relieved because she was terrified of screwing up the turkey and was so nervous that it wouldn't turn out right, but thankfully "it looks just like the one Mom made last year."

Meanwhile, J&J are trying to carve the turkey, which is a nice golden color on the outside, but it's apparently frozen solid still. Whoops. Guess Granny Tanny didn't properly explain the delicate timing issue involved when one prepares a frozen turkey. Not wanting to hurt D.J.'s feelings, the guys try to hide the frozen turkey from her. Suddenly the doorbell rings. It's two blodne bimbos who have an already cooked turkey with them. They're looking for their Uncle's house and Danny offers them up to $200 for their turkey. They decline, go on their merry way, and eventually D.J. finds out that the turkey is frozen when Danny ends up burning it trying to cook it fast. To make matters worse, Stephanie drops the pumpkin pie on the floor, and D.J. cries that she ruined Thanksgiving and flees to her bedroom. Sadness.

Danny tells D.J. that the turkey and the pie are inconsequential to the success of Thanksgiving. It's just about being with family and celebrating their love and all that mushy goodness. Meanwhile, Jesse and Stephanie are looking through photo albums of Thanksgivings past with Pam. Danny and D.J. join them and then he sends the girls downstairs. Jesse looks at the photos and with a lot of sadness says, "You missed a great Thanksgiving, sis." And here's where this episode turns totally heartbreaking. Jesse's taking his first Thanksgiving in 26 years without his big sister really hard, and from a character that doesn't get overly emotional, it's a really good moment for Jesse. Him and Danny sit on the bed, Jesse fighting back tears while Danny consoles him.

Stamos really pulls all the heartstrings as he goes on and on about all the pain and hurting and asking when will it stop hurting so much? I guess playing Blackie on "General Hospital" paid off for Stamos here. Him and Danny share a great moment, as he shares more stories about Pam while looking at the photos. Danny very touchingly tells Jesse that he's so happy to have him there, and it's just a sweet moment between brothers-in-law.

Damn you, Full House! For piecing together a really nice holiday special that I can't hate on because of how much I love Thanksgiving! Damn you!

Now the whole family's gathered around the table, giving thanks, and Danny prepares to carve the blackened turkey offering up the options of "dark and really dark" meat. Fin. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'm going to go pass out now for a few hours!

"You're immune to common sense!" or A Pox in Our House (1.15)

Jesse and the Rippers(?) (I think it's the Rippers, but frankly the a capella routine they're doing seems not very Ripper-esque) are doing a Doo-Wop song for Danny and Joey. Soon the girls join them in the living room and the whole family's grooving along. Seriously, since when does Jesse do doo-wop? The song ends, but Danny tries to keep it going in a painful display. Stephanie has now slumped down on the floor and Danny moves her to the couch, concerned about her well-being. She says she feels yucky, her forehead feels warm and she's covered in "pimples." Uh-oh invasion of the chicken pox at the Tanner's!

The family thinks that they're in the clear, because D.J., Danny and Jesse all had the chicken pox. Joey claims that he was the only kid in his school who didn't get it when the virus was going around and therefor he is immune. Suddenly UgBaby gurgles and all eyes turn to the playpen. Guess we're not in the clear then.

Danny tucks Stephanie into bed and warns her to not scratch her blisters. She's upset because a real ballerina was coming in to do a demo for her ballet class the next day, and she didn't want to miss out on it. Danny tells her the fastest road to recovery is paved with rest and fluids. D.J. brings her an apple juice that Stephanie pounds in a way that would make a frat boy proud.

Jesse comes in in one of the most ridiculous outfits ever featured on FH. It's a glittery teal and silver suit, and paired with the mullet, it's mind-blowing. Sorry Stamos, even your fine ass can't pull this mess off. Danny sums it up pretty well when he tells him he looks "like [he] should be spinning from the ceiling of the disco." He comes bearing calamine lotion. Joey comes in bearing a teddy bear dubbed, "Teddy Itch No More" and an air horn. Stellar contribution as always, Joey.

The guys tell Stephanie that they'll all be there for whatever Stephanie needs that weekend, except for when Danny goes to warm up and sit on the bench with the L.A. Clippers, and Jesse has his Doo Wop show. Joey, to the surprise of no one, has no plans or commitments that weekend. D.J. comes in with a tray full of orange juice, and for her troubles, she's stuck sharing the nursery with Michelle until Stephanie recovers. D.J. puts Michelle to bed by talking to her like a dog.

The next day, Jesse & Joey awake feeling/looking crappy and it turns out they've both got the pox! When Jesse was a kid, he had an allergic reaction to wool that he mistook for chicken pox and Joey? Well, I guess you weren't immune to chicken pox after all. Danny's all decked out in his Clipper warm-up gear and D.J. is chowing down on her cereal in anticipation of her slumber party that night. I can't figure out what time it's supposed to be. I mean, J&J clearly just woke up and D.J.'s eating cereal, so you would figure it's morning. But if it's morning, why is Danny getting ready to go off with the Clippers and D.J. getting ready for a sleepover? Whatever, I'll let it slide, but it's weird.

With J&J out of commission, Danny is in need of a baby-sitter who can actually go near the baby without infecting her. D.J. hesitates to leave in case she's needed, but Danny lets her go and begins calling every sitter in his phone book with only 47 minutes before he needs to go.

Stephanie tries to sneak out of the house incognito to go see the ballerina in her dance class. She is nearly out the door when she's caught by Uncle Jesse who blows her cover as "Karen." Jesse's still going by the last name Cochran at this point in time. I wonder when they changed it. Jesse tells her he also has chicken pox and part of dealing with it is being tough even though you might be missing out on something you really wanted to do. Jesse's pretty bummed when Stephanie reminds him that this means he'll be missing his Doo Wop show.

J&J are in Joey's room and itching horribly. They determine that if they scratch each other, then they're technically still "tough" and aren't breaking the no scratching rule. They scratch each other in a bizarre manner and as Danny comes in, they are in the middle of rubbing their heads together. Danny is understandable creeped out.

Danny reaches the end of his potential baby-sitter list, concluding with the name Zuckerman (which totally sends my mind off to Andrea Zuckerman of 90210 and I'm picturing Gabrielle Carteris all nerded out telling her Dad to tell Mr. Tanner that she's not there rather than baby-sit that ugly baby). Danny's S.O.L. and considers calling D.J. back to help out, but decides against it. He pretends to call Michelle: "Hello, Michelle? Hi, it's Daddy." >Click< She hung up on him, it was actually kind of funny.

Now Jesse, Joey and Steph are in the basement applying calamine lotion and saying "Ooh" and "Ah" rhythmically and singing "Working on the Chain Gang." Um, isn't it like really potentially dangerous when adults catch chicken pox later in life? I thought that it could lead to more severe diseases like shingles, and that you need prompt medical attention. But, it's just not as funny that way, is it? Anyway, Danny comes down with a tray of food and for the second time this episode tries to unsuccessfully join in the sing-along, this time with the lyrics:

"Here's some tuna fish and soup
It's nutritious and delicious
And it's great to fight infection
For the family that I love."

They all stare at him. I can't blame them. Bob Saget is hot! Kidding. Partly. Anyway, just as Danny gives up hope, D.J. comes bounding down the stairs back from her party. And this is where D.J. becomes a full-fledged awesome kid. Because Danny sacrifices and does so much for the girls, and because there will always be other slumber parties, she came back to do something for him. Gaa! That actually warmed the icy cockles of my heart! But seriously, NO 10 year old is that unselfish and mature. In conclusion, D.J. is terrific, saved the day, and Danny gets to warm up with the Clippers. If 8 players and a peanut vendor get hurt, he might even get a chance to get some game time!

The trio of poxies start listing demands for D.J. and she pretty much blows them off and walks away. You go girl! The only one you're responsible for is Michelle. They have chicken pox! They're itchy, not crippled.

"When I make a move, everything curls" or Half a Love Story (1.14)

We're at the Channel 8 news station where Danny's old pal Robin Winslow is in town to audition for a field reporting job. Danny does make it clear that he makes more money than her. I think he's only half kidding. Apparently they're "old pals" and Danny insists upon her staying with the Tanners.

I have to say that Kristian Alfonso who plays Robin Winslow, is stunning. It's just a shame that her beauty is being covered by bad 80s hair and wardrobe. I googled her and fear not, homegirl's still got it going on.

Jesse spies Robin from across the way with a "Have mercy!" and uses UglyBaby Michelle to beam her in to get a date. I suppose this plot point relies on suspension of disbelief, because if I saw a baby that looked like Michelle smiling and waving at me, I'd say to myself, "Damn, that's an ugly baby!" Apparently Robin buys it, prompting Jesse to proclaim Michelle's better than a Ferrari. My ass. She spouts off lies like calling her a "Little angel" and "I was just thinking that's the cutest baby I've ever seen." Further wooing tactics employed by Jesse include blowing raspberries on UgBaby's tummy, delivering all of his cheesy pick-up lines through Michelle and sealing the date with a kiss to UgBaby. My favorite part about Robin is that she doesn't buy any of Jesse's crap, "I think Michelle's been hanging around too many singles bars." Bwah!

After lamely securing a date for the next night, Jesse suddenly remembers that he has an audition for a big gig and dumps UgBaby off onto Danny who is about to do his sports segment live on the air. Nooooo! Don't subject San Francisco to the Ugly Baby!!!

Back at the Tanner's for dinner, Joey is trying to pass off Chinese takeout as homemade stir-fry. Stephanie's all morose and glum, feeling mediocre about life. Apparently she's not good at anything. Suddenly the brunette version of Madonna in "Desperately Seeking Susan" walks in the back door. This is Jesse's fuck buddy, Jill. She uses the verbiage, "Whenever we don't have a date with anyone else, we have a date with each other." Jill's kind of fug... a little horsey in the mouth with bushy eyebrows.

Jesse comes home from the audition to find Robin and Danny sitting on the Tanner couch. Guess he didn't get the memo that Robin and Danny are old pals and Robin will be staying with the Tanners... in Jesse's room. Jesse meanwhile, is stuck bunking with Joey. Poor Jesse. Jesse reintroduces himself and confirms their date for tomorrow, prompting D.J. to say, "Wow, he works FAST." He clarifies that they met earlier in the day and just then, Jill comes in to remind Jesse about their date tonight. He tries to take her out before Robin can see her, but Joey whines about his great Chinese home cooking causing Jill to want to stay in.

Cue the most awkward dinner ever. Jesse is seated between Jill and Robin and tries desperately to start up conversations with every member of the family. They all answer him with one-word answers, and Jill decides that telling the story of how she met Jesse would be a good way to break the silence/tension. Someone give that girl an oat bag or some salt lick. Turns out Jesse used the same weak-ass tactics to woo Jill.

Later that night, Danny is helping Robin prepare for her audition in Jesse's room. Jesse comes in wanting to apologize about Jill's intrusion on their evening. Robin tells him that it's not a problem that he had a date that night since they had just met, but don't count on her keeping their date the next night.

They go back and forth about Robin's perceptions of Jesse's type ("A guitar-playing, leather-wearing, elvis-loving, motorcycle-riding, blow-drying, baby-toting tough guy") and she's pretty much nailed him to a tee. Jesse argues that he's more than that, and Danny desperately tries to leave the room during this personal and should-be private exchange: "Is anyone aware of the fact that I'm still in the room." When Robin questions Jesse's ability for long-term commitment, he claims he had a 4 month relationship with a Sharon Edwards. Danny finally gets the chance to leave when he reveals that 2 of those months Sharon spent in Europe.

Robin reveals she's been out with guys like him before, doesn't want to get hurt and boots Jesse out of his own room. In the hallway, the rest of the Tanner clan is waiting, eavesdropping on the fight.

The next day, the guys try to cheer Jesse up with pep talks, apparently he was singing "Heartbreak Hotel" in his sleep last night. Meanwhile, the girls are in their room brushing Robin's hair for her audition that day. Man, her hair is fluffy. While they brush, the girls really talk up their Uncle J. Robin tells them that they're very sweet and she hopes to one day have nieces like them. Stephanie points out that she could have that very easily if she just married Uncle Jesse. Ha! Point to Stephanie!

Jesse comes in to drive the girls to school in his bug mobile, an awkward exchange with Robin ensues. When Steph goes to get her milk money out of her drawer, she shuts it on her finger. Uncle J to the rescue. Jesse tells her he's the finger doctor and has her close her eyes to see the color of the pain. Apparently it's green with blue polka dots, but thankfully, no stripes. The power of suggestion makes Steph's pain dissolve and we find out that Robin was watching the whole thing from the doorway. As Jesse and the girls leave, Robin's face clearly says that she's doubting her initial impression of Jesse.

Down at the station, Danny's wrapping up another sports segment with UgMichelle. Um, why do they keep letting him do sports reports while holding a friggin' baby (and an ugly one at that!) There seriously isn't someone on the set that can hold her for the like, 6-8 minutes where Danny is occupied? Jesse is there to pick up Michelle after Danny finishes up. He happens across Robin stiffly rehearsing her lines for her field reporting audition. Jesse offers her the advice to loosen up and demonstrates with a "wacky" news report.

Back at the Tanner house that evening, they're celebrating Robin getting the job. She calls Jesse outside to speak privately and tells him she was wrong about him and she loves his "maternal instinct." They agree to be friends and take it slow, and Jesse tells Robin that if she wants the relationship to advance, it's up to her to make the first move. She kisses him, and when he asks if it was a move, she questions if his toes curled. He says they did and she replies that when she makes a move "Everything curls." Oo! That was a saucy and kind of risque line, I like it. Apparently Jesse did too, as it's met with a big smile and a "Have Mercy!" and this budding relationship is abandoned after this episode and never heard from ever again.

"But, do we really need Michelle?" or Sisterly Love (1.13)

The family comes in after watching D.J. perform the female lead in "The Frog Prince." She's wearing a red gown and a tiara. Apparently Michelle started crying and needed to be removed from the auditorium, so Joey ended up missing the final scene of the show. Man, for someone that can't talk, that Michelle really ruins everything, doesn't she? To ensure that Joey doesn't miss any of the masterpiece that is children's theater, D.J. reenacts the final scene of the kiss with Jesse stepping in to portray the Frog Prince.

She gives a decent performance... I guess. I'm very rarely wowed by child actors, usually a little too hammy for my liking. Anyway, the whole family is so impressed by Jesse's star power that he suggest to Danny, in front of D.J., that she should audition for television commercials. D.J., bitten by the acting bug, is obviously excited and enthusiastic, and begs her father to let her try out for a part. Danny is less than thrilled that Jesse mentioned auditions and open casting calls in front of his impressionable daughter, because he's afraid that she'll get her hopes up for success, only to have her dreams crushed.

The next day, Jesse is preparing lunch for UglyBaby. He deems that processed fruits and vegetables are passe, so he fixes her a corned beef sandwich and a pickle. Danny comes in and does not approve of this meal for his UglyBaby. He instead takes the sandwich for himself, and seeing Michelle with the pickle in hand reminds me of that highly disturbing clip from "The Soup" of the pickle girl from "Super Nanny." Ew. Joey comes in with a bag of groceries, but it's all health food. Apparently he has high cholesterol and needs to change his diet, so he is pulling a complete 180 and going to the extreme with health food. Jesse and Danny doubt his ability to stick with this new diet, and Joey insists that he is Mr. Willpower and that he once "quit smoking like THAT." Danny doesn't buy it and asks when did he ever smoke. Joey then reveals that it was 4 cigarettes when he was 12, and he stopped "cold turkey" when his Dad caught him.

Done listening to Joey's idiocy, Danny then reveals that he caught wind of an open audition for an Oat Boats cereal commercial on the following day. He's not sure if he's going to tell D.J. about it, but with the coaxing of J&J, he finally goes to her room and tells her. Danny begs her to take some time to think this over and decide if it's really something that she wants to put herself through. D.J. takes all of 10 seconds before running out into the hallway to tell Danny, "I want to do it!"

Jesse and Stephanie accompany D.J. to her audition. She does a great job, reminiscent of pretty much every cereal commercial I remember watching growing up. She's right up there with the Life cereal "Hey Mikey! He likes it!" The casting director loves her performance too, and goes to get her boss to make the final decision. Jesse goes to feed more money into the parking meter, and D.J. goes to fix her hair. Stephanie was so inspired by D.J.'s performance that she asks if she may have a bowl of Oat Boats. The casting director tells her to go for it, and Stephanie starts doing a play-by-play of the Oat Boat race between the strawberry and banana, and "first place is a trip to [her] mouth." Hee. The childish pervert in me laughs at the unintentional (?) dirtiness of that statement. The director comes in and sees Steph do her shtick and mistakes her for the auditioner. He awards her the part to the shock of Uncle Jesse and Stephanie, and the utter dismay of D.J.

Danny comforts D.J. when he learns she didn't get the part, and out of respect, tries to mask his excitement over Stephanie's success. D.J. pretends she's not bitter and feigns happiness that Steph got the part.

Joey meanwhile, lasted a whopping 24 hours on his new diet, and is in the nursery, trying to wolf down a fast food cheeseburger and french fries. When he hears Danny and Jesse approaching, he hides the food in Michelle's crib. Because they aren't complete morons like Joey, Danny and Jesse smell and discover the hidden junk food almost immediately. Joey is pathetic, and Danny tells him to chill out and try dieting in moderation.

Stephanie rehearses for her commercial and is reading the stage directions aloud while D.J. watches and laughs at her. Finally, they explode, chasing each other around the kitchen yelling "Thief!" and "Jealous!" Then, they resort to full names. Jesse and Joey hear the commotion and pull the girls apart, sending Stephanie into the living room and D.J. down to what is now, back to being Joey's room downstairs. As they part, D.J. yells "Stephanie Judith!" which is met with "Donna Jo Margaret!" prompting Jesse to say, "Margaret?" Ha! I'm with you Jess, I would've though the "Jo" would have sufficed as a middle name.

The guys go downstairs where D.J. is maniacally pedaling on the exercise bike- perhaps a foreshadowing to the episode where she becomes self-conscious about her weight prior to Kimmy's pool party, so she starves herself and over-exercises. Joey starts in, telling D.J. that being in show business is all about dealing with constant rejection, with a rare chance at success. I laugh heartily and yell at my T.V., "I bet you know a whole lot about rejection, Gladstone!"

This pep talk does nothing, so Jesse swoops in and attempts a little reverse psychology by exaggerating how Stephanie is devious and conniving and intentionally stole the part right out from under D.J. D.J. admits that she knows Stephanie didn't do it on purpose, but she's still mad nonetheless. I think that's completely understandable, and that they should give her a few days to cool off, but you know how the Tanner family works. Every problem must be solved and tied up in a nice neat little package as soon as possible.

After a little more prodding, D.J. confesses that her unhappiness stems from feeling cast aside for her younger, cuter sisters. She feels that they steal the limelight and thinks it's disgusting, and she wishes she could go back to the way it was before her sisters were born. J&J point out all the perks of being the eldest child, and D.J. finally admits that being the oldest isn't so bad. She goes up to the living room to apologize to Stephanie.

Steph meanwhile is on the phone with the operator, asking to be connected to Mr. Oat Boat. D.J. goes unnoticed and listens in as Stephanie begs to speak with him because she needs to quit the commercial because it's tearing her family apart and now her big sister hates her. Aw. Dammit she's so cute. The operator naturally hangs up, leading to the ever popular, "How rude!" D.J. apologizes and they call each other their best friends and aw, isn't sisterly love grand? Stephanie then asks, "But, do we really need Michelle?" Hahahahaha! That's TWO episodes in a row where someone suggests that they get rid of Michelle. Now, why couldn't they have acted on that?! D.J. assures her that when Michelle's older enough to push around, she won't be as bad. I've got news for ya, Deej: You're wrong!

D.J. helps Stephanie rehearse and tells her to not read the stage directions aloud, and Jesse and Joey lurk through the entry to the living room, watching the sisterly love. Ew, that sounded creepy.

"The Real American Hero: The Exterminator" or Our Very First Promo (1.12)

Ick, I just noticed that UglyBaby Michelle raises her eyebrow on the opening shot. Don't you make sexy faces at me, UglyBaby, I'm not biting.

Kimmy and D.J. are heading down the stairs into the... garage? Huh? Wasn't it just two episodes ago where they remodeled the garage into Joey's new bedroom? Nice continuity there writers. All I can figure is that they may have filmed the first season episodes, and then altered the order of airing them once the show was picked up, and this little detail slipped their mind. I wish they hadn't done it like RIGHT after the episode where Joey gets the new room. Anyway, rant over.

D.J. asks Kimmy if she'd like to stay for dinner, and Kimmy's all for it until she finds out that Joey's cooking and it's something in "earth tones." Ugh, Joey, you are unsuccessful in comedy and cooking. Just then, Stephanie pipes into the conversation, trailing her big sister. D.J. essentially tells her to get lost so that her and Kimmy can discuss woman things. To which Steph replies: "I'm a woman. I'm a little woman, but I'm a woman." D.J. promises her quality sister bonding time after Kimmy leaves, and just then there is a some sort of animal noise that Stephanie is convinced is a monster.

In the kitchen, Joey is doing a poor and mildly racist Iron Chef imitation. Jesse joins in the fun. Danny comes in the door saying "Great news, great news!" Stephanie wraps herself around his leg, terrified of the alleged monster in the garage. D.J. Oprahs that Stephanie's fears are just a desperate cry for attention. Danny reminds everyone that he had big news and the family finally bites.

Turns out that in order to boost ratings, the station is doing a profile on Danny and his family. Um... okay. I don't know why anyone would be riveted by the life of a sports reporter and his family... but sure, I'll roll with it. The family is obviously stoked to be featured on television, and finally act mildly interested in Danny's news.

Later that night, the girls are in bed when they once again hear the "monster noise" prodding Stephanie to Poltergeist, "They're ba-ack!" Steph first joins D.J. in bed, then when the noise continues, they run out into the hall calling for help. Jesse and Danny come out, and they try to send Jesse after the monster to kill it because he's an exterminator, oh excuse me, "pest control specialist." This leads to a pretty humorous rant by Hair Boy about the unsung hero that is, the exterminator. The girls won't rest until Danny lays with them in D.J.'s bed and the girls doze off while Danny is left to sleep in what appears to be one of the most uncomfortable sleeping positions ever.

The next morning, J&J are primping UglyBaby Michelle for the television program. Sorry guys, no luck, still ugly. You can't tie a bow around shit and pretend it's my birthday present. They hear the noise again and Jesse listens intently and then reveals, "North American Silver Footed Ferret, adult male, 2 1/2 pounds." He also traces the sound to the garage. Joey is amazed and Jesse reveals that it's a gift.

The guys move the garage where Jesse tries to capture and kill the ferret. Joey, suddenly an animal lover, opens the garage door and encourages the ferret to escape, all the while singing "Born Free." I just would like to note that the silver and neon green fishing net that Jesse is using is the same one that I used to use when fishing back in the day. Same exact thing. I mean, I got it at Wal*Mart for like $5 so it's not like it was anything special. Just a little tidbit. A fun fact, if you will.

The doorbell rings, and the girls answer. It's Ronnie, the director of the Tanner's television segment. She asks the girls to smile and take her coat. They do so and pass her tests with flying colors; they are both cute and capable of taking direction. She introduces herself as Ronnie, which is short for Veronica. D.J. introduces herself saying it's short for Donna Jo, and Stephanie says "I'm Stephanie... I'm just short." Heh, I dunno what it is about Jodie Sweetin, but she just is so damn cute. She was a great child actor. Too bad about the whole meth thing though...

The girls show Ronnie around the house and bring her into the garage where the men are still pursuing the ferret. Somehow, Jesse is now hanging upside down from the ceiling with Joey spotting, and it is at this moment when the girls and Ronnie walk in, prompting the director to say, "This is Danny Tanner's family? We're in trouble." Amen, sister.

Danny comes home and Ronnie is not one for manners or introductions. Danny sees Joey cleaning out the alcove (um, too bad he moved into his own room in the garage TWO EPISODES AGO!). Apparently Ronnie doesn't think that Joey fits in to the family image she's trying to portray. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to go with Ronnie on this one, Dan-O. Ditch the dink. Joey is still involved, as he has the important task of holding the cue cards.

Danny enters, saying "Ciao!" They have added a poodle named DaVinci into the mix. I like him, he's fluffy and cute. The girls come in bearing violins and wearing pearls, being bizarrely formal and vaguely Von Trapp-esque ("We missed you papa"). Jesse is playing the role of the butler, spouting "Hi ho, tea time" in a horrid British accent. He calls D.J. and Steph, "Buffy" and "Jodi" and something about the way he says, it and the girls' genuine reactions of laughter makes me think it was a cute ad lib. Joey claims he didn't fight too hard to stay in the segment, and I roll my eyes and am so sure. Desperate hack. You know he'd be on his knees in 3 seconds for a little television exposure.

Cue UglyBaby Michelle. But, wait! She's been replaced with adorable 3-year old Asian toddler. Michelle also didn't fit into Ronnie's vision for the segment. Again, I'm really going to have to go with Ronnie on this one. No Joey? No UglyBaby Michelle? It's like my picture perfect Tanner world! Vote Ronnie 4 Prez, 2008! Danny takes charge of the production and then we are treated to the final product.

Danny talks to the camera and takes them on a pretty boring tour of his home and family. The girls look awkward coloring at a table in the room, wearing ill-fitting SF Giants hats. Seriously, those things looked like they've never been worn. They move into the nursery where J&J are in with the baby. Joey tries out some unfunny puppetry with Michelle, and Danny introduces Jesse as his brother-in-law and lead singer of "Jesse Cochran and the Rippers." Gaa! Still with the Cochran! I can't believe it lasted this long. Danny reiterates how important each member of his family is, beg for ratings, and D.J. uses the exposure to ask for a raise in her allowance. The painful segment finally ends. Really? They thought that crap would boost ratings? Local networks in San Francisco must have been hard up in the late 80s/early 90s.

The family moves into the kitchen for celebratory ice cream. J&J hang behind and once more hear the call of the ferret. Now, Jesse catches it with ridiculous ease, and at the puppy dog face of Joey, agrees to release the ferret into the wild, rather than exterminate it. They go into the kitchen to show the girls that there was no monster, and finally, the music tells us it's over.

Bring back Ronnie! She knows where it's at!

"You always ran like a girl" or The Big 3-0 (1.11)

Joey is making breakfast for the girls and warns them not to blow Danny's surprise birthday party. Apparently Stephanie let last year's attempt at a surprise slip, and is chastised for it. Jesse comes in followed by Michelle as the Good Year birthday blimp with a few balloons tied to her. Tie a few more on there so that she flies away, will ya? Jesse also tells Stephanie to not blow the surprise because he heard about last year.

Danny comes in, dejected and unable to utter the number 30. The girls try to cheer him up with their presents, a coupon book of favors and chores such as "Good for one hug" and "Good for one wash of Bullet." Bullet is Danny's hot red car (I'm not a car person, so don't ask me the make or model) that we see the family driving along the bridge in the opening credits. This car is apparently incredibly special to Danny, but seeing as we've never heard it mentioned prior to this episode, it's pretty clear that it's being introduced now to act as some sort of plot device.

The doorbell rings and the girls take off to answer it. It's a man. Not just any man, but a driver. In exchange for Jesse's fumigation of his house ("Thank God for silverfish!"), this man will chauffeur Danny around all day in a limousine. Heh, I hate to admit it but Joey made me laugh. He lists all the accessories included with the limousine and concludes with, "And a year's supply of calendars... one!" Don't get me wrong, I still think Joey's an idiot and completely unfunny, but hey, a broken clock's right twice a day. Sooo I guess you can't be unfunny all the time. As Danny and the girls leave to get into the limo, he tells Joey and Jesse that he absolutely positively does not want a birthday party.

As soon as Danny is out the door, the guys resume planning his birthday party. Jesse says that he's going to pick up his present, sheepskin seat covers for Bullet, that afternoon. This prompts Joey to say, "Boy, he really loves that car." At this point they're really beating us over the head with the foreshadowing. We get it. Bullet's fucked.

Cut to later that night where all the party guests have arrived. Among them is Caroline, the owner of the fishing boat that the guys went out on for their men's night, A.K.A. Caroline from one of the episodes ABC Family decided to nonsensically skip. Jesse returns and tells Joey that Bullet was totaled. They go outside to survey the damage, and sure enough, Bullet? Fucked.In the kitchen, Joey, Jesse and the girls decide that it's best to wait until after the party to tell Danny so that they don't ruin his birthday, and they also hide the seat covers to keep Bullet off Danny's mind. Caroline comes in to tell them that Danny just pulled up, so they move it into the living room and turn the lights off.

Danny comes in and feigns surprise. The fact that 15 of his friends cars were parked outside was kind of a dead giveaway. Jesse, usually one to shy away from the man-on-man affections, offers the birthday boy a hug. D.J. takes a Polaroid, dubbing it the "Before" picture. Danny opens his presents and just when they think he's done, Stephanie comes in with the box containing the seat covers. She tries to cover it up, but it's too late. Danny opens them, loves them and can't wait to try them out on Bullet. Jesse cuts him off in the kitchen and tells the whole sordid tale to prepare him for the stroke he's about to suffer. Apparently while at Pep Boys, a large truck rear-ended the parked car and sent it careening down the hill, through the guardrail and off the bridge into the San Francisco bay. Yikes. But also, totally not his fault. Danny thinks Jesse's joking and laughs it off until he actually goes into the backyard and sees the totaled vehicle. D.J. snaps the "After" photo.

Following the initial shock and horror, I have to say that Danny is taking this remarkably well. That is, until Jesse and Joey go on and on about how devastated he should be about it. Why would they want to make him more upset? I dunno. I'll chalk it up to Joey being an idiot, that's my default explanation for everything stupid that happens on this show. Danny sadly comments that this is a birthday he'll never forget and heads to bed.

The next morning, he's reading to Michelle. Joey comes in because he thought he heard Michelle crying. Danny says, no, that was him. Aww. Despite breaking Danny down and telling him how upset he should be about Bullet, Joey's now trying to say it was just a car and get over it. Get bent, Joey. I blame you for this. Jesse sticks his head in and asks Joey to go for a ride with him, while Danny stays home with the girls.

They end up at a car dealership, with Danny's insurance money ($11,700) to burn, staring down Bullet's twin. They show interest to the salesman, Paul, when someone calls the dealer and begins bidding on the car. Obviously, we find out that it's Danny on the line, and they bid against each other all the way up to a staggering $20,000. Danny bows out at this point, and Paul fibs to J&J that he went up another grand. They don't bite either, and rather than lose the sale, Paul ends up backtracking the price all the way down to $11,500.

Triumphant they return home to find Danny now gung-ho to purchase a Jeep wagoneer. He told about the ridiculous bidding war against some "yo-yo" over a car he hadn't even seen. He realized that he needed to let go of Bullet and his past and move on. J&J then reveal that they were the "yo" and "yo" at the dealer and that they bought the car for his birthday. Danny is touched and says a gift from his two best friends is the best way to start off a new decade and for the first time, it feels great to be 30.

The guys ask him what he's going to name his car, and Danny protests that a 30 year old man doesn't name his car. Then he sticks his head out the back door and says, to the car, "I'll be right back... Walter." Hee. Shot of the whole Tanner clan driving in Walter as a crappy cover of The Beatles "Drive my Car" plays. I think it's sung by the guys who do the theme song. They should stick to T.V. themes and steer clear of tampering with a classic.

"A daycare for socially deviant munchkins" or Joey's Place (1.10)

Joey is in the kitchen ironing while singing the opening dawn of man theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey." Is that the same fugly yellow, purple and blue tie-dye-ish shirt that he had on in episode 4? D.J. and Stephanie come in and watch the moronic one man show, prompting Steph to ask, "Is this normal?" D.J.: "It is for Joey." Zing! One point, D.J. Uncle Jesse bounds up the stairs into the kitchen in his exterminator jumpsuit with his mullet-y locks a-flowing. He tells the girls that no matter how glamorous his lifestyle seems, they should avoid the bug biz.

Joey hints that he has some big news, but won't reveal what it is until the entire family is present. Danny arrives shortly there after and Joey tells the good news. Apparently someone who doesn't have the slightest notion of what college kids enjoy booked Joey on a 2 week 16 college comedy tour. Everyone is excited for Joey, but he is resistant to shirk all of his household duties and worries that he's leaving Jesse, Danny and the girls in the lurch. Jesse solves his problem by saying that he'll just take 2 weeks off from exterminating. He can do that because his dad owns the business and his mother won't let him fire his renegade son.

Joey is in the living room practicing his comedy in an attempt to boost his confidence. God, that is unfunny. He is also using a tape recorded laugh track that doesn't sound anything like laughter. It's this weird scratchy screeching sounding audio. Very bizarre. Danny comes in and comments how all of Joey's possessions seem to be exploding out of his alcove. Tempted to clean, Danny fights the urge when Joey assures him that he'll clean his mess and Danny goes to work on his basketball blooper reel.

Stephanie then comes in dressed as a bee carrying a cassette player playing "Flight of the Bumblebee." She says she's practicing for her next Honeybee meeting... I don't know. Joey, desperate for a place to rehearse peacefully sends Steph away and goes up to Jesse's room where he asks for any suggestions for a rehearsal space. Ironically enough, Joey is interrupting Jesse's attempt to practice guitar. Jesse essentially tells him that in this house, he's essentially S.O.L.

Cut to the garage, where Joey is practicing his "Ode to a Fountain." This consists of spitting water out of his mouth as he poses. This is as unfunny and gross as it reads. D.J. comes in and watches as Joey spits on the windshield of the yellow VW Bug and gestures for her to turn on the wipers. Ew. I hate the smell of spit because you know, nasty mouth bacteria, and now that car is going to have that gross spit-y smell. Yuck. D.J. tells Joey that every time he does his fountain routine, she "want[s] to throw pennies on [his] face." I feel that way about Joey all the time, except it's not just during the fountain routine, and instead of pennies, I prefer rocks.

D.J. is actually pretty cool and considerate, especially for a 10 year old, when she tells Joey that she finished her homework early so that he could use the girls' room as a rehearsal space. Wow. Like what kid would actually do that? I liked D.J. when she had morals and did the right thing, but before she got all pious about it like in her high school years. Moments like this remind me of why I wanted to be D.J. Tanner when I was younger. Joey tells D.J. that he actually likes the quiet of the garage. She complains that it's so cold, and he pops the hood of the yellow bug to reveal a rack of clothes, and gives her a heavy leather bomber jacket. Apparently he keeps his clothes in his car. Wait. Joey has a car? Joey starts to hint to D.J. about his discontent of the spacing that comes with life in an alcove.

D.J. is with Danny and Jesse in Michelle's nursery telling them how sad Joey looked practicing in the cold garage. They all decide that they need to get Joey his own room, and Stephanie acts as lookout for Joey, instructed to use the words "The duck flies at midnight" if she sees Joey coming. D.J.'s proposals include shifting around rooms so that everyone has their own with Michelle in the alcove and Stephanie in a tent in the backyard, and that Jesse and Joey share a room with bunk beds. The latter is immediately shot down by Jesse.

Joey comes in and the family acts really sketchy and pretends to be practicing a new family ritual of a 4-part harmony lullaby to Michelle. Joey, despite being a total idiot, doesn't buy their song and dance and becomes very suspicious and defensive.

The next morning, Joey comes down the kitchen where Jesse is slaving away with a color-coded chart of the girls' activities in hand. Jesse gives him the brush-off and serves everyone a second helping of his delicious eggs. Joey whines that nobody ever wanted seconds of his eggs, and his lament is met with silence. Joey's starting to get very defensive that all of his normal tasks have already been covered by Jesse, but come on! What were they going to do? Ignore their chores? He's leaving that day, so what's the big deal?

They urge Joey to get going, as they all rush out the door, and Joey stops off at the playpen to lay all of his problems out on Michelle because she can't talk back. Ah, the golden years before we were tormented with the likes of "You got it dude!" and "Owce Cweam!" Joey's all paranoid that the family doesn't need him anymore and tells Michelle "Tell everyone I'll miss them... if they care." Oh please. Get over yourself, Emo Joey.

Jesse is blowing raspberries on Michelle's paunch when the doorbell rings. Apparently Michelle is part of a play group with 3 4-year old boys and today is the day where the Tanner's host the group. That seems like a weird mix, doesn't it? A baby girl and 3 boys who are at the very least, 3 years older? The brats proceed to start tossing the neatly folded clothing around the room screaming "Laundry fight!" Yikes. Good luck with that, Jess.

The girls are starving waiting for Danny to come home so they can eat dinner. When Danny waltzes in, Jesse launches into the stereotypical snippy tirade of a neglected housewife. Jeez, it was only 25 minutes. Jesse catches himself and remarks, "Oh my God, what's happening to me? I'm turning into June Cleaver." I get what he's saying but is that the most accurate reference? I never really watched "Leave it to Beaver," but I didn't think that the picture perfect mother would cause a fuss over Ward being a little late for dinner.

Danny gives Jesse a pep talk and then announces that he talked to some contractors, and that they will create a new bedroom for Joey in the 2 weeks while he's on tour.

Exterior shot of San Francisco signifies that the 2 weeks have passed. Joey comes home to find that the alcove has been completely cleaned out. He storms into the kitchen where the family is playing Monopoly and acting very nonchalant and dismissive of Joey's arrival. They inform him that they moved his stuff to the garage, "Why don't you just throw it on the front lawn!?!?" Joey launches into full vagina mode as he stomps down the stairs ranting and raving, "Why don't you just forward my mail to the gutter?!?!"

When he gets to the bottom of the stairs and looks upon the newly refurnished garage/his new bedroom, he says, "I am an idiot." Ah, truer words were never spoken. Also, admitting the problem is the first step. Education and a real job are the next ones! They actually run down the logistics of how they pulled this off, and say what you want about the realistic qualities, at least the writers covered all their bases. Joey is blown away, and remarks that it must have cost a fortune to which Joey replies, "Don't ask."

D.J. tells Stephanie that now she can have the alcove all to herself, but Stephanie tells her it's all hers. The music swells as Danny mocks Joey's hissy fit and we fade to black on the smiles and laughter of this crazy bunch.

"It's Howdy Dirty Time!" or The Return of Grandma (1.4)

It's Saturday morning in the Tanner household, which means Saturday morning cartoons! Man, I used to love waking up early to watch cartoons... until I realized the unmitigated pleasure that comes with sleeping in late.

This scene actually kind of grosses me out because Joey and the girls are surrounded by clothes strewn about everywhere. Furthermore, they are all eating their cereal out of pots with wooden spoons watching Yogi. Something that has always squicked me out is eating/drinking things out of containers other than what they are traditionally enjoyed in. For instance, I can't drink anything out of a ceramic mug unless it's coffee/tea/hot cocoa. Glass mugs are for beer or margaritas. Anything else just seems weird. One of my good friends in college had a mug and it was the only thing that she drank out of and it just weirded me out. I could never ever eat with wooden utensils and I would certainly never entertain the thought of eating anything, especially anything cold, out of a pot! Ick.

Anyway, Danny comes in and is obviously horrified by the mess in the living room. Moving into the kitchen, he finds it to be in a similar state of disarray. Even more laundry is piled up on the machines and the dishwasher can't even be closed because it's so chock full of pans. Dirty dishes also line the counter top and like, seriously? I know it's a "full house" and all, but this seems excessive. I mean I know I know, comedic effect and all that, but nobody would ever have that much cookware! There's 6 people in the house, not 15!

Jesse enters with a tale of how a turtle named Bubba saved him from being hit by a rogue street cleaner truck. To repay him, Jesse has brought Bubba home with him, which leads the most awesome response from Danny: "You just hate coming home alone, don't you?" Bwah! Nothing like an allusion to Jesse's manwhorishness. Quips like this are why I still watch the show so many years later. Jesse makes Bubba a new home in the toilet.

Stephanie casually lets it slip that Grandma is flying in that very day to check on the household. Danny is in a panic and asks why no one told him, and then Stephanie reveals that Joey is the one who took the call. Apparently she is coming in at 5:12 so the men divvy up the chores and prepare to clean their sty. Problem is, they're completely out of cleaning supplies. Again, seriously? You let your stash of detergents and whatnot just run out. As soon as I get close to low, I buy new ones so that I'm never without. Whatever. So they head out the front door and after a beat it reopens and Danny scolds someone for not using the bathroom before they left. It's Joey who forgot to tinkle.

They come back and decide to rest for a moment since they still have about 5 hours until Grandma arrives. No sooner do they plop down amongst the couch does the door open and Grandma walk in. Oops. Turns out she was coming it at 12:05 and NOT 5:12, which like, duh. 5:12 is quite possibly one of the most random times you can give, so why wouldn't anyone have found that weird to begin with? Joey then jokes, "I have a confession to make, I am a time dyslexic." It is at this point where I begin to question if Joey is borderline retarded.

Granny Tanny is less than thrilled with the current state of the house and the fact that there is a turtle located in the baby playpen in Michelle's place. I consider it an improvement. The guys joke that "Michelle needs your love now, more than ever." I actually laugh. This is the same Claire from the Pilot episode, so at least they waited a little while before replacing the actress.

Jesse and Joey take Claire's arrival as their cue to leave and tell her they have the utmost confidence in her ability to turn this mess around. They come back to find that the mess remains, and their mothers have been added to the mix. I believe this is the only appearance we have of the elusive Mindy Gladstone, but I could be wrong. Again, this is a different incarnation of Irene Cochran/Katsopolis, and I much prefer the latter actress that they used in the bulk of her character's appearances. Frankly, this actress is too fat and ugly to be the mother of the hotness that is John Stamos. I don't buy it.

Mindy is just as stupid as her son as we see them act out a vacuum cleaner skit. I guess the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. Now we know why Colonel Gladstone got the hell out of there.

The women remark how badly the men need them to take care of them, the children and the house so they start working out a schedule of days they'll spend at the house, divvying up the week. Claire I think comments how they (the 3 mothers) need to make sure that "their" granddaughters are raised in a tidy household. Um, hate to burst your bubble Mother Gladstone, but those aren't your granddaughters. They are the offspring of Claire's son and Irene's daughter. Your DNA is nowhere to be found in any of them (and Thank God for that!). It's all well and good that Joey and Danny are BFF's but if you want grandkids, you better tell Joey to start spreading his seed. Although for the sake of humanity, we'd rather you just suck it up and let the Gladstone family die out.

The boys make a deal with their mothers. They go out for a few hours and while they are gone, the guys will clean the house. Right as they are about to begin, the girls confess that they lost Jesse's precious Bubba. They vow to turn the house upside down to find the missing turtle. Um, maybe cleaning the house might be a better course of action guys? They don't find Bubba, don't clean a thing, and wouldn't you know it, the moms have returned. Irene offers the advice, "Don't try cleaning, just move." The guys vow that they really can get this place into shape, so they send the moms out for 3 hours and this time have them take the girls with them.

Cue cleaning montage to a crappy cover of "I Feel Good." As Joey whizzes by his alcove, I notice that the hideous outfit he's wearing is the exact same thing the mannequin in the alcove is wearing. I won't bother asking why Joey has a mannequin, or why he dresses it in the same clothes as him, or even why he would buy a duplicate outfit. But, I'm definitely going to try to see if the matching outfits on the two dummies is a consistent happening in the show.

The mothers come home and the place is immaculate. Just as they are about to shower them with praise, Mrs. Sianski, the housekeeper they hired returns because she would prefer cash to the check they paid her because the banks are closed on Sundays. Wait, so it's Sunday? Enh, whatever. First they try to pass her off as Joey's fiancee, but that's just too obvious a lie for anyone to believe.

Do grandmothers actually enjoy cleaning? Is it something that you just develop an affinity for in your old age? God, I hope not. I hate cleaning. If I could have someone come clean for free, I totally would. Oh wait, I do. I call her Mom. She comes to visit once a week and she always ends up cleaning my apartment. It's a sweet deal. The grandmothers finally concede that their sons are capable of taking care of the girls and maintaining a clean household, so they leave. Just like that? Didn't they have to fly in? Kind of a waste of a plane ticket if they're not even going to spend the night and visit.

The rest of the family is in the kitchen as Jesse laments that he wishes Bubba were here to enjoy this moment. Suddenly the door opens and in comes Bubba on a skateboard. No, really. Laughter, hugs, the end.

"Okay, she's a topless ballerina" or The First Day of School (1.3)

The episode begins in the girls' darkened bedroom. Stephanie is too excited for her first day of school to sleep and rouses D.J. to teach her the pledge of allegiance. She messes up the words, it's cute and funny I guess.

Meanwhile, Joey and Jesse are in the bathroom giving Michelle a bath. Huh? They're giving her a bath that late at night? I mean, I know Stephanie and D.J. probably have a pretty early bedtime, but Deej is 10! It can't be that early. What a bizarre time for a bath... Anyway they're talking about the new dancer Jesse's dating who is, a topless ballerina. Both men are perched on the side of the tub and Michelle is sitting in her babyseat. Something tells me that these two brainiacs haven't figured out how a bath works. For no real reason, Jesse starts doing an Elvis routine for UglyBaby Michelle. Danny walks in as Jesse begins serenading Joey with one of the King's ballads. Naturally, Danny doesn't really believe them when they claim to be giving Michelle a bath on account of the fact that she's not in the tub.

Danny picks up Michelle and leaves J&J with the awesome parting words, "I'll leave you two sailors to your suds and singing." Man, Danny Tanner was funny shit. J&J subsequently ham it up and continue the serenade. One of my favorite aspects of this show re-watching it in later years, is how the characters take all the gay jokes in stride. I mean, they are 3 men living together in San Francisco. so I kind of appreciate that they can poke fun at themselves.

Can I just take a moment to hate on Joey again? The moron is wearing a swimcap, lifevest and goggles, not to mention some obnoxiously loud swim trunks to give Michelle a bath. I mean, I get it. He's a "comedian" so he's "wacky" but he just comes off as an idiot.

Danny goes into the girls' room to check on them and is surprised not only to find them still awake, but Stephanie is fully dressed in a frilly pink party dress with a mismatching red lunchbox.

The next morning, J&J recap their bathtime for Danny and the girls' come down. D.J. in a denim shift dress that my 26 year old friend's 46 year old girlfriend has totally rocked on more than one occasion. I giggle. Stephanie opted to wear a red sailor style dress that I'm almost positive my sister wore on her first day of second grade. I had it in fuschia and wore it on that same day, my first day of pre-school. Danny presents the girls with two new lunchboxes: Barbie for D.J. and a "Jetsons"-themed one for Stephanie. We are "treated" to more of Joey's "hilarious" cartoon character voices. Joy. Grr I have to point out that the night before, Stephanie wore a pink dress and had a red lunchbox and now this new lunchbox is pink and she's in a red dress! I know she won't be wearing red everyday, but I still think that was a really poor choice by both the costuming and props department. Then when I look at how all of the other characters on the show are dressed, it occurs to me that maybe I should pick my battles.

Rant over. Anyway, D.J. declares she is too old for a lunchbox and I have to agree. Granted, lunchboxes are all the rage nowadays for being "retro." Danny videotapes the girls' walk out the door to leave for school as J&J begin singing "Sunrise, Sunset" from "Fiddler on the Roof." Danny joins in and their singing, coupled with the expressions on the girls' faces made for a great comedic moment. I genuinely laughed at that.

After a beat the door opens and Stephanie comes back in and declares that she is not going to school. Joey gives her a crap lesson about how to play sick and she finally confesses that she's afraid about going to a new place where she doesn't have any friends. Wait, didn't she go to preschool? I thought everyone did. I went to 2 years of preschool and kindergarten was comprised mainly of the same people I met in pre-school. Do some people just go right into kindergarten? Huh.

Danny escorts Steph to class and just as he tries to offer some encouraging words, a little girl tears away from her mother screaming that she'll never go back to school. I laugh again. Danny plays on the too-small slide with Stephanie and eventually coaxes her to go inside....

Where she is met by Uncle Jesse in his full exterminator gear! Hey yeah, remember that he's an exterminator? It's such an inconsistent plot point for his character that is only occasionally referred to when convenient. He tries to make Stephanie friends by bribing them with milk and then attempts to use his masculine wiles and charms on a little girl who blows a whistle and screams "Stranger! Stranger!" Ha. And ew. A scene like that reminds me of those rumors about Stamos bedding one of the Olsens in real life (after she was legal, but still, ew). Jesse tells the teacher he is Steph's dad and she asks him to help get rid of a spider.

As soon as he leaves the room, who should enter but Effin' Joey. He starts a game of Duck, Duck, Goose and actually seems to be doing a decent job of integrating Steph with the other kids. The teacher and Jesse return and Joey tells her he's Stephanie's dad. Wackiness! Of course Danny chooses this moment to re-enter and says that he's Stephanie's dad. Before they can really clear up the confusion, they spot D.J. scaling the brick wall of the playground trying to make an escape.

Danny intercepts his eldest and she tells him that she was placed in the advanced class with kids who are worse than eggheads, they are "omelette-heads." Apparently they came prepared with their own self-assigned homework, Kimmy's not in the class and gasp, D.J. is the only blonde! Danny tells her that he's proud because those smart kids will one day rule the world and gives her a pep talk. Stephanie joins them and D.J. offers to talk to her and ends up repeating Danny's words. She tells Steph that she didn't know anyone when she started school and didn't even talk to Kimmy for the first 6 months, which resulted in this brilliant exchange:

Stephanie: "[You didn't talk to Kimmy for 6 months] Because she's an airhead."
D.J.: "She's not an airhead, she just hates thinking."

Stephanie and D.J. return to their respective classrooms and we close on Stephanie joining her classmates on the rug singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" (complete with hand gestures, natch) as the three men cheers with their milk cartons.

Purple Spray-On Hair Color RAWKS!, or, Our Very First Night (1.2)

Okay to preface, I'm not gonna lie. I missed the most recent viewing of this episode on ABC Family, but since I've seen the entire series ad nauseum, I feel pretty comfortable with recapping this episode sans viewing. Unfortunately, I won't be able to produce all the witty quotes and recap the horrendous outfits, but the last recap was so verbose, I figured it couldn't hurt to throw out a CliffNotes version FH recap.

Anyway, so following the pilot, the 3 men are ready to tackle the joys of shared parenthood. But almost immediately trouble arises because all 3 men have their respective job responsibilities to attend to and someone needs to watch the girls. Danny has to cover a sporting event, Jesse has band practice and Joey miraculously has one of his few and far between stand-up gigs (which surprises NO ONE on account of how painfully unfunny Joey is). Ultimately, they decided Jesse's plans are least important and he gets saddled with the responsibility of babysitting.

I just want to take a moment to comment on the fact that Jesse actually has a steady job and thus provides a steady income to apply to the support of the Tanner household as he also works as an exterminator. I mean, I guess since it's one of the 5 nights a year Joey can actually get paid for his hack routine, they ought to let him have it so he can actually earn his place in the alcove. It cracks me up that he doesn't even have an actual room, but a mere nook. I mean, that's all he deserves really, but it's funny nonetheless.

Another tangent I'd like to go on at this point is how when the series began, Jesse's name was "Jesse Cochran." This was a detail that escaped me when I was a youngun, but I just love how they change his surname from "Cochran" to "Katsopolis" without even batting an eye or drawing even the slightest bit of attention to it. I almost wish they incorporated some sort of outdated storyline about embarassment about Greek heritage, or even maybe that Jesse didn't feel like "Katsopolis" was very "rock & roll." But no, much like the unexplained disappearance of Brendan Lambert from the final season of "Step By Step" or Judy Winslow after the fifth season of "Family Matters," it was glossed over. Must of been a TGIF thing, to not really worry about things like "continuity." Side note: Apparently they decided on the last name "Cochran" because one of the writers or producers or whomever was a huge Joe Cocker fan and since Jesse was a musician, a temporary surname was born.

But, I digress. Jesse gets stuck watching the girls, and rather than skip band practice because music is his life (remember this mentality in later seasons...), he reschedules and has the band come rehearse at the Tanner household. Despite trying to practice unplugged, the band starts rocking out and obviously the girls wake up. They come down and work their manipulative magic on their poor Uncle Jess and trick him into letting them stay up with the group. They order pizza and get their hair sprayed purple by one of the chicks in the band, I think her name was Raven.

Side Note! (Side note to the side note, I'm only doing so many of these because I didn't get to watch this episode as recently, so I'm just going on memory and therefore lacking in detail, so I need filler.) Anywho, when I was a kid I was literally OBSESSED with that colored hairspray. You see, I was a completely idiotic child who didn't realize how freaking sweet it was to have red hair (when you're young, being different is bad, so I went through like a 3 year phase of hating my red hair. It happened to correspond with my transition from the cool popular group to a nerd, and I probably blamed my hair for it. It was really due in part to the fact that I had just gotten glasses and was a tub o' lard.) So yeah, this was when the whole goth/punk/grunge movement was starting around the time I was in middle school and I used to walk to the Wayside Bazaar to buy colored hairspray (fluorescent red) and would spray two streaks in the front of my hair and thought I was sooooooo cool. But I wasn't. And the point is, D.J. and Stephanie also look ridiculous with their spray on purple hair... but I totally can remember being their age and thinking that stuff was the shit.

Joey comes home and joins the party. He is so responsible.

Naturally Danny comes home and flips. After sending the girls to their room, he rips Jesse a new one for being so irresponsible and goes so far as to threaten to kick him out. He eventually deduces that the girls pulled a fast one on poor simple-minded Uncle Jesse, and punishes them and the three all apologize to Jesse. And I mean, yeah, the girls were totally abusing Uncle Jesse because he tries to be hip and cool and doesn't have a lot of experience acting as a parental authority, but you have to lay some blame on him. I mean, you're a grown-ass man and you got duped by a 5 and a 10-year old! Seriously? As every episode goes, everything is resolved with a hug and the music swelling and we've made it through our first hour.

I promise the next recap will be more detailed.

"Hey! Shut up!" or, Our Very First Show (Pilot)

Ugh, why does the show have to open on one of the Olsen twins ugly mugs? I'm sorry, but they were homely as hell when they were on this show.

Ah, the opening theme song. My favorite part about the pilot episode is that they play Jesse Frederick and Bennett Salvay's lyrical genius in all its glory. Those guys OWNED the late 80s and early 90s. In addition to "Everywhere You Look," they also co-wrote the theme songs for "Perfect Strangers," "Family Matters" and "Step By Step." If you were composing a cheesy family sitcom in this time period, they were the go-to guys.

The pilot kicks off with Claire (in the first of like, 5 different actress incarnations) leaving Danny and the girls. Granny Tanny, as she's otherwise known, moved in to help run the household after the demise of Danny's wife Pam. The girls are sad and DJ brats about having to share a room with Stephanie. Danny exposits that Uncle Jesse and his friend Joey will be moving in to help out around the house.

Aaaaand cue former soap hottie/current "ER" star John Stamos in all his mulleted glory. Thus begins my countdown til the episode where Stephanie accidentally rids him of that follicle disaster. It cracks me up how Jesse is like the spokesmodel for Harley Davidson these first few seasons. When Danny asks why Jesse missed breakast, he launches into his wild night with a showgirl and is cut off by Danny right before he gives all the scandalous details in front of his young nieces. Jodie Sweetin is impossibly cute these first few seasons before her nose outgrew her face.

Ugh. Cue Joey the dumbass. How can a comedian be so unfunny? Although DJ is a major brat in the beginning of the series before becoming such a pious and sanctimonious teenager, I do love how unamused she is by all of Joey's antics. "Do you think we can catch Grandma in the airport?" Right on, Deej.

They show Jesse to his room and we are introduced to the infamous pink bunnies. We are then informed that Danny is a "lean, mean hugging machine." How will this mulleted, motorcycling tough guy handle this straightlaced, hugging neatfreak? WACKINESS.

Across the hall, DJ is laying down the ground rules for her new roommate Stephanie. She implements the classic divide the room in half and Stephanie "climbs" across the curtains, only to be sent back where she started. The three guys enter the girls' room. More Joey being stupid and hated. Danny tells them he has to work at the station and leaves the two bachelor's with zero parenting experience to care for his 3 young daughters. Clearly hijinx and hilarity are to ensue.

Joey and Jesse go to the nursery to check on a crying Michelle. When she won't stop, Jesse screams "Hey! Shut Up!" Why couldn't he say this more often when Michelle learns to talk and becomes an enormous brat? Joey launches into all of his lame imitations and gags in an attempt to stop the crying to no avail. Finally, the two brain surgeons deduce that maybe the baby needs to be changed. Oh jeez, here comes the aforementioned hijinx.

Side note: What is with the inability of all sitcom characters to properly change a diaper? I don't have kids, but it's not exactly rocket science. It's not a Rubik's cube! You fold it over and stick the tabs together. I mean, I guess it's supposed to be funny, but it just makes the characters look like idiots.

Using the sink spray to clean her? Seriously? No baby wipes? Then they use paper towels and a plastic bag to fashion a diaper? After the two morons bundle the baby in Bounty and plastic, Stephanie cutely suggests that next time they try using an actual diaper. They chastise her for not telling them about the diapers sooner, but it's like Seriously guys? You thought that there wouldn't be any diapers in a house with an infant? I mean, did they even try and look for them? They were right behind the kitchen counter on a chair! Again, supposed to be funny, but they just look stupid.

Danny comes home to a tornado of baby clothes and the family, minus DJ sprawled on the living room couch. Super Baby-sitters of the year and Danny are both surprised to hear that Deej moved out of the bedroom she shares with Stephanie. Steph directs Danny to her new room in the garage where she's talking to Kimmy Gibbler who called her from "her own phone in her own room." Danny tries to scold DJ into moving back to the house. Joey goes a different route. Namely, a Bill Cosby impersonation. The hell? How would that persuade her to move back in? Danny needs to check on the baby and Joey's an idiot, so that leaves it up to Jesse. He has his showgirl Vanessa waiting so in order to expedite the process, pays Deej $21 to move back in. Danny inadvertantly drove Vanessa out of the house and Jesse demands his money back.

Danny tries one last ditch effort to keep DJ in the house. It's time for the sentimental family moment. The sappy music swells, as Danny asks how Pam would have handled the situation. DJ admits that she feels like she's losing everything. First her mom died, then Grandma moved out, and now she's losing the independence of having her own room. I guess that's a lot for a ten-year old to take, so I forgive the brattiness for the time being. They tug at our heartstrings and finally agree to give this new living arrangement a shot.

Danny and the girls come back to the living room to see Jesse cooing at Michelle in baby talk. Embarassed, he immediately reverts back to the tough guy image. Michelle makes some noise which Danny tells us is her bastardized version of "singing." Despite the fact that Jesse is the musician of the group, Joey sidles over to the playpen saying "Music? I'll handle this," and launches into the "Flinstones" theme song. The hell? God, I hate Joey more and more on repeat viewings of this show. I think when I was a kid, I used to totally dig the whole "Cut. It. Out." bit too. We end on Stephanie yelling "Wilma!" and the entire family dissolving into giggles as we fade to black.