Thursday, December 20, 2007

"You threw pieces of bread at him? Steph, he's not a real duck!" or Nerd for a Day (3.4)

UgToddler (yes, I've finally "upgraded" from UgBaby, thought this doesn't have quite the same flow...) is playing in a toy car in the living room with Joey. He gives her a pretend tune-up and for his services, is paid with a kiss. He returns her "change" with another kiss. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Jess and Joey are working on a Beach Boys sounding jingle for some gym or whatever called Pounds Away. For some reason, Jesse thinks they need to incorporate Michelle saying "Bye Bye Fat." I can't imagine that other people would actually go for this tripe. Not everyone has the bizarre and creepy fascination with Michelle as you, Jesse. Ick. D.J. comes in and tells the fam that she has an assignment to follow around a member of her family and write a report on them. And for some unknown reason, she chose UgToddler.

Stephanie arrives home a few moments later. Apparently she had to stay behind after school with her head on the desk for 15 minutes of silence. Apparently Steph and some other kids were calling another boy in the class, Walter Berman, "Duck Face." Hey, that's not so bad. Imagine if they substituted an F for one of those letters and then we'd have a much larger problem on our hands. Jesse is less than thrilled with this news and informs Stephanie how hurtful name calling is. He tells how when he was a boy, the other kids used to call him "Zorba the Geek" and I am seriously impressed if young kids could come up with that. Jesse adds that when he hit puberty at age 15, he put a stop to the teasing by kicking the crap out of one of the bullies. Sensing his anecdote isn't approaching the proper direction, he tells Stephanie that she has to call Walter to apologize.

Stephanie tries to get out of it and when Danny gets home asks for a second opinion. No dice there. Jesse and Stephanie go upstairs and Joey enters wearing the fugliest of sweaters. Danny starts talking about how he's going to need a fill-in co-host while Becky's on vaca, and fucks with Joey for a bit before offering him the gig. Apparently Joey has a show coming up at the Laugh Factory that he needs to generate publicity for. Nice try Joe, but talk show stint or not, no one's going to your crappy comedy show.

D.J.'s still following Michelle around and it's apparently exhausting. I wouldn't want to look at that face all day either, Deej.

Jesse sits Stephanie down and oversees her phone call to Walter. He has to monitor her apology and guider her through everything, and at the end of the call, instead of hanging up, she hands the phone over to Jesse who has to endure Walter's stimulating conversation.

Danny is trying to get Joey out the door so that they're not late for "Wake Up San Francisco." Joey tells him to relax and gestures to the barometer by the door and says that they have plenty of time. Moron. The doorbell rings and it's Walter. It's almost immediately apparent why he's been dubbed Duck Face as he purses his lips following every sentence. He introduces himself to the guys as Walter F. Berman and for some reason, that made me giggle a little bit. Danny calls for Stephanie and the guys head out.

Stephanie enters the living room and stops short when she catches sight of Walter. He thanks her for calling to apologize and is now under the impression that she's his girlfriend. Stephanie doesn't want to further hurt his feelings, but also wants to avoid committing social suicide, so she concedes that she can be his secret girlfriend whom he can't tell anyone about. Walter then imagines a secret kiss in his mind, and I'm as squicked out as Stephanie at the notion of mentally imagining kissing someone.

D.J. is still following Michelle and somehow shuts her thumb in a dresser drawer. Michelle kisses away the pain. Boy, they sure are selling that whole "Michelle's kisses are like gold" like crazy. Still not buying, FH! Stephanie storms into Uncle Jesse's room and rants about what the apology led to. She is not pleased about Walter's infatuation and his secret kisses, which he was apparently doing all day during school.

Danny and Joey are on the set of "Wake Up San Francisco" and I'm officially confused about the timeline of this episode. Exactly what time of day is this supposed to be? Is it the next morning? What the hell? Joey isn't in his chair in time for the show to kick off because the fat ass needed to get some donuts. How professional. Danny is obviously regretting his decision for a temporary co-host. Luckily, he is calmed by their guest, hug therapist, Dr. Robin Wynager. I'm pretty sure that man is Danny's personal idol.

Now back at home, Jesse's trying to eat a sandwich and UgPig Michelle steals it away. D.J. comes in, so I assume it's now after school. Apparently she got an A on her report on Michelle and my guess is it was out of pity. Stephanie then comes in fuming about Walter giving her kisses in his mind all day.

Stephanie's project group comes over and it consists of Harry, who's apparently not her BFF anymore, and another annoying guy and girl. Walter comes over and accidentally lets it slip that Stephanie is his secret girlfriend. Let the mockery ensue! Stephanie has had enough. She says that she's not Walter's girlfriend, but she is his friend and that it's not right for them to make fun of him and call him Duck Face. She asks how the other three felt when they were teased and all the while, we see Uncle Jesse watching from the upstairs landing. The kids finally apologize and invite Walter to join the group.

Stephanie runs upstairs to talk to Uncle Jesse, who rushed back to his room to make it look like he wasn't listening in the entire time. She tells him that it was the right thing to do to apologize to Walter and calls him out for listening in. She also promises that if anyone ever teases him and calls him Zorba the Geek (hee!), they'll have Stephanie to answer to.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

"This must be yours; it's for vain and pompous hair!" or Breaking Up is Hard to Do [in 22 Minutes] (3.3)

Joey is prepping the sandbox out back to host a play group for UgMichelle and he peers. There really isn't much prep required, all he did was grab some toys and toss them into the sandbox. I sincerely doubt there was much maintenance needed for the Tanner sandbox, I mean it's not like there are used hypodermic needles buried in the sand. Actually, this is where Methanie Tanner resides, so maybe there WERE needles. Danny's got the celery sticks all cut and ready to be devoured by the chillins. Yuck. I hate celery and hated when parents tried to peddle that shit as an acceptable after school snack. I demand Doritos! Stephanie comes up to them with an apple in her mouth, saying something that's muffled. They pull out the apple to understand her and it turns out she was saying that her loose tooth was stuck in the apple and to not pull it out. Well, it's out now.

Meanwhile, Beck, Jesse and D.J. come home from horseback riding. Wow, maybe D.J. was riding the semi-forgotten Rocket and that plot line didn't die out after all. D.J. apparently successfully jumped with the horse, but Jesse had a shitty time and hates horses and riding. Becky tells D.J. that she has mad skillz, yo, and they make plans to go riding again. Jesse doesn't want to and they discuss how she similarly doesn't want to attend his boring band practice, and a brew-ha-ha is clearly on the horizon.

The play group is underway and the children are already tired of Danny and his celery sticks. UgMichelle shines as the horrid brat she is by exhibiting superb antisocial and selfish behavior. She won't share any of her toys with the other kids, snatching all of them away and yelling "Mine!" Brat. Somebody kick some sand in her eyes! Joey calls her out to Danny for her selfish attitude an Danny tries to deny it, and then exhibits the same possessiveness when Joey tries to hand over Danny's dust brush to one of the little boys and snatches it away.

Later in the day, Jesse starts complaining to Ug about Becky and the riding. Unbeknownst to him, Becky is in the kitchen and hearing every word, which is being picked up over the baby monitor. He uses choice words to describe Becky such as "stubborn", "pig-headed" and just then Becky stomps upstairs and into the room and hold the other monitor up behind Jesse and he hears the echo of his own voice and he turns around, completely fucked.

Becky calls him out and they begin yelling at one another about not wanting to do the other's activities. They angrily yell that maybe they should see other people. Becky exits out the front door and starts to head back towards the house but at the last moment turns away and leaves. Jesse after a moment's hesitation, opens the door, but Becky is already gone. Trouble in paradise... again. You know, they had a really rocky relationship, if they were for real, I don't think that they would have lasted. But, such is the world of cheesy family sitcoms!

The next morning, Stephanie wakes up, eager to retrieve her tooth money. She rejoices when she finds out that she banked with a crisp $20 beneath her pillow. That's being put towards future meth purchases! D.J. reacts with a "Whoa, Baby!" Stephanie chalks it up to the fact that she left milk & cookies for the Tooth Fairy. D.J. tells her that she ate the milk & cookies and Steph warns her that that might bite her in the ass come Christmastime because Santa and the T.F. are tight.

The guys are in the kitchen and Danny and Joey are telling Jesse to call Becky and apologize for all of the stupid shit that he said. The girls come down and Stephanie proudly shows off her bounty and is met with a collective "Whoa, Baby!" D.J. coyly asks why the T.F. never left her $20 and Danny replies that perhaps the T.F. couldn't see his/her wallet in the dark and mistook a $20 for a single. D.J. dryly replies that she hopes the Allowance Fairy makes the same mistake. Heh.

Michelle is still being an ugly selfish brat, so the family tries to teach her the joy of sharing via their pancake breakfast. Naturally her first inclination is to be fug. Her second inclination, however, is to seize the plate of pancakes and declare, "Mine!" They pass a pancake on a plate around the whole table saying that they are sharing with the person beside them and when it gets to Michelle, she crumbles it in her fug hands and puts it on Danny's plate. And I am thoroughly disgusted by the thought of everyone manhandling this pancake and I sincerely hope they threw it out once this lesson in sharing was completed. Blecch.

Becky comes over to return Jesse's things that he left at her apartment and they start getting snippy in front of everyone. The girls ask if they're fighting and they reply that they've just decided to not be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. The girls are clearly upset by this and they invite Becky to go to the movies with them, on Stephanie and her Tooth money. Becky says that she'd love to at some point, but that she has plans tonight so they take a rain check.

Jesse is left in disbelief that Becky has what he thinks is a date a mere day after they broke up. As Becky is leaving, D.J. chases after her and tells her that she doesn't want her to walk out of her life as she's really begun to depend on her filling in the role of a mother. Becky assures her that she'll always be available, a phone call away, if D.J. ever needs to talk about woman things, and they plan to go to the movies the next night.

We've come to the next night and Jesse is coming back from a revenge date of his own. It's pretty obvious that his heart's not in it as he's constantly mentioning Becky's name. Becky is at the house to go to the movies with the girls. The girls tell her that Jesse was all broken up over their fight and wants to apologize and then they go and tell Jesse the same thing. They finally get the two together and it's clear that they were brought there under false pretenses. Naturally, this is the moment where Jesse's date decides to poke her head into the room. But, she's on her way out, and as she's leaving says to Rebecca, "I hope that you're Becky, because if you're not, you're going to be hearing a whole lot about her." Turns out Jesse even broke out into a rendition of "Viva Las Becky." They eventually talk it out and decide to compromise about participating in activities the other wants to do and the crisis of the century was resolved!

Monday, December 17, 2007

"Well, how do we look?" "Cheap." or Back to School Blues (3.2)

I can't even count how many times the opening sequence involves Jesse and Michelle, who may soon have to be upgraded from UgBaby to UgToddler, being all gross and affectionate with one another. Nauseating.

D.J. and Stephanie are getting ready for the first day of school. D.J.'s beauty regimen involves a ridiculous amount of hairspray and very fluffy bangs. Stephanie's feeling nervous about D.J. moving onto Junior High and being the lone Tanner in her school for the first time.

Becky comes through the front door, there to give Danny a ride to work. While she's there, she stops by for a good morning kiss for Jesse. The ever tactful Kimmy Gibbler interrupts disgusted, asking "This early? I hope you brushed!" Becky takes this as her cue to go find Danny and Kimmy goes upstairs to get D.J.

Joey then comes in with what he thinks is great news, they are supposed to pitch their new campaign over a round of golf with the client. Golf is apparently Joey's newest passion as evidenced by it's reference in two consecutive episodes. Jesse is less than enthused about it, but grudgingly agrees.

Becky and Danny are in the kitchen as the girls come down. Becky tells them that they're going to love Junior High (LIES! Everyone HATES Junior High, it's traumatic as hell and everyone is an asshole!). She tells them that in Junior High she had her first boyfriend, her first slow dance and her first slow kiss. She shuts up about this when Danny shoots her a death stare.

Kimmy and D.J. arrive at Junior High and all of the girls are dressed ridiculously skanky and refer to the incoming students as "scrubs" who are "so tiny they're embryonic." Wow, that's a pretty sophisticated insult, but after all this is Junior High. I can't even believe all of the hooker attire being worn by these girls. Then some random boy and girl awkwardly embrace and being making out in the middle of the cafeteria. I'm as grossed out and perturbed by this sight as D.J. and Kimmy are. Yuck. And seriously, wtf?

Kimmy and Deej are horrified to discover that they have completely different schedules except for Spanish class, so the only time they can see one another, they can't even speak English. Suddenly a busty very mature looking girl calls out hello to them and walks over. D.J. and Kimmy don't recognize the girl who claims she is Cathy Santoni. She gives them the down low on Junior High which includes that everyone makes out on the football field after school. That is so weird and creepy. Can you just picture like dozens of pairs of pre-teens awkwardly embracing and making out on a football field just inches away from other couples? Ugh.

In the backyard back at the house, Jesse and Joey are practicing their golf with UgBaby. Jesse is destroying Danny's pristine lawn by hacking up divot after divot. Joey further embarrasses him by having Michelle expertly drive a ball with her Fisher Price golf set.

Back at Junior High, D.J. suffers one of the most embarrassing moments, not only for a pre-teen, but for an adult as well. The classic mistaken wave. Have you ever had someone wave in your general direction and you wave back only to discover that they were actually gesturing to the person behind you. Always leaves me feeling like an utter dumbass. Very mundane yet completely humiliating. Her humiliation is magnified tenfold when she's rejected from a lunch table and is scolded to clear the aisle by one of the most hated teachers... who happens to be wearing the same exact outfit as D.J. God, I can't even imagine wearing the same outfit as a teacher, but considering the fact that D.J.'s vest looks eerily familiar to one I once owned, I guess I potentially could have suffered this same fate.

D.J. shuts herself in the phone booth to eat lunch and listen to the operator give the time. Reminds me of the end of high school when I ate lunch in the library everyday because I used to eat with my boyfriend and female friends. But then he and I broke up and he started dating them, yes, both of them, so I was no longer welcome at the table... not that I really wanted to eat with them anyway at that point. Either way, eating lunch alone sucks ass.

J&J come back home from a lovely afternoon on the golf course. Jesse is dressed in a light pink, teal and white striped golf shirt with light pink, teal and white plaid golf pants. I'm pretty sure my mother had that same exact shirt. Ha! I actually think Jesse is totally rocking the pale pink hideous golf outfit. Jesse ended up shooting an embarrassing score of like, 159 and is mocked thoroughly by both Joey and Danny. When Danny asks what happened to his lawn, Jesse blames it on a gopher. How very Caddyshack of him.

D.J. comes home from school and is very evasive about answering any questions about her day. She asks Danny if she can dress a little more Junior High tomorrow and when he agrees, she hurries upstairs. Stephanie on the other hand, comes home completely jazzed about her first day. She was appointed the classroom fish feeder, no longer suffers any confusion when someone calls out "Hey Tanner!", and even helped a first grader find the cafeteria because they couldn't read the sign that said "Cafeteria." Wow really? Can't read in first grade? Maybe I was just ahead of the gang, but I'm pretty sure I could read by kindergarten. Haw!

The next morning, D.J. and Kimmy are putting on their Junior High faces. Apparently Kimmy had a similarly awful day and was forced to give her lunch up to a girl with a tattoo. Man, I wish we'd been able to see that scene. The girls assume the mascara position and all I can say is, I could have lived without seeing D.J.'s B.J. face which is what this totally is. Eek. I've seen a glimpse into the future of D.J. as a hooker and it isn't pretty. Stephanie comes in and asks if she can have some make-up and D.J. tells her she's too young. UgBaby however wanders in and is given some lipstick to play with. Stephanie is rightfully outraged by this display.

The girls are finally done with their make-overs and ask Stephanie how they look. With the perfect inflection and comedic timing, Stephanie replies, very matter-of-factly, that they look "Cheap." Kimmy unveils a new rack and D.J. gasps, "Kimmy!" Kimmy puts on a seductive souther drawl and tells the girls, "Call me Kimberly."

Down in the kitchen, Danny is cleaning his rubber gloves and is rightfully mocked by Jesse and Joey, who tell him that he needs therapy. The girls come down to leave for school and Stephanie is allowed to go, but Danny keeps D.J. behind to take off her clown face. She claims that he said she could dress more Junior High, but Danny asks if this school is located in Caesar's Palace. Bwah! D.J. is pissed that she's being babied and stomps upstairs to take off her make-up, put ribbons in her hair and be Daddy's little girl forever. The guys are about to pursue her to talk her through it when it dawns on them: they have no idea how to handle a teenager.

Danny finally goes in and asks D.J. what happened at school. She tells him about the older girls, the teacher with the same outfit, how Cathy Santoni went from 12-25 overnight, and lunch in the phone booth. Danny explains that she made the transition from a big fish in a little pond to a big pond with even larger fish. He says that people will like her for who she is once they get to know her. He is wiping her make-up off and in my head I start singing the opening lines to "Suddenly Seymour" from "Little Shop of Horrors"...

"Lift up your head
Wash off your mascara
Here, take my Kleenex
Wipe that lipstick away
Show me your face, clean as the mornin'
I know things were bad, but now they're okay"

Suddenly Danny is standing beside you!

Wow, sorry for the random segue to Broadway. Anyway, as Danny's helping D.J. take off her make-up, Becky comes in to pick Danny up for work and stops short when she sees D.J.'s face and Danny holding the tissue in her hand. She tells D.J. to never let her father do her make-up again. She takes the blame for her clown face and Becky suggests that she use subtle hues to enhance D.J.'s natural beauty and asks Danny if she can show her how it's done.

At lunchtime, D.J. runs into Kimmy, whose mother caught her as she was getting on the bus and made her remove her make-up, skanky clothes and new bosom. Also, Kimmy switched her lunch period so now they can eat together. D.J. recognizes a girl from her English class and they sit down to eat lunch together. Some of the skanky older girls come over and try to boot them from the table, but D.J. stands strong and declares it a scrub table, but they're welcome to join. The girls scoff and walk away, and D.J., now feeling all high and mighty, tells her lunchtime companions that those older girls should consider wearing a little less make-up.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

"She's gone! And I'm alone! And I'm wet!" or Tanner's Island (3.1)

Hooray! Season 3! Plus, I loved this episode, it may be one of my faves.

Danny comes in and announces that the entire family, Becky included, is going to take a trip to Hawaii to celebrate their 2 year anniversary of living together (Well, except for Becky... who hasn't been around for 2 years... and doesn't live in the house (SPOILER ALERT!)...yet). And in the words of Peter Griffin, that is pretty frickin shweet.

The Tanner clan lands in Hawaii and the video quality here is different. I dunno how to explain it really, so I won't comment on it anymore. They are wicked picture happy, snapping approximately a bajillion photos a minute. Stephanie's definition of paradise constitutes a place having a pool, an ocean and a soda machine. It's good to have standards, and glad to see Hawaii met them for young Stephanie Judith Tanner!

As a side note, I've been contemplating switching Stephanie's name to Methanie Tanner on account of Jodi Sweetin's former drug addiction. The trouble is I like Stephanie most of the time, so I might just save the whole Meth thing for when she gets a little older and more annoying (ie. the Gia years).

Joey spies one of the Hawaiian hula girls who greets tourists with Lei's and immediately falls in love, not realizing that it's their job to smile at every schmo who arrives in Hawaii. Let him have his fantasy, I guess. She disappears when he tries to point her out to the fam. Hooray, another boring storyline reminding us that Joey has a penis.

Everyone's all set to go off and do their own thing until Danny gathers the troops to unveil his clipboard of fun. The clipboard essentially contains an itinerary with everyone's preferred activity, but just incorporates it so that everyone participates in the activity together. It doesn't sound all that bad, but the family naturally grumbles about it like the ungrateful asswads they are. I mean for fuck's sake, Danny just bought you all a free Hawaiian vacation and you're going to complain?!?! Ridiculous!

First off is Joey's activity: Golf. Fuuun. Everyone just stands around watching and refusing to play and maybe they'd have more fun if they tried to play. Next up is Danny's portion of the vaca, the boring historical stuff! Yaaaay! This segment allows us to be introduced to the Hawaiian folklore of Menehunes. Stephanie sums them up as Hawaiian munchkins, and so far as I can tell, that seems to be a pretty apt description. Becky adds in some hooplah that Menehunes will aid you when in need, but only if you really believe. Obviously, this will come into play later.

Next activity on the clipboard of fun is a marine life meet & greet. They also get to feed and ride dolphins and killer whales. All of the dialogue is dubbed over because I'm sure all of this aquatic interaction made the lines pretty difficult to deliver. The words don't completely sync up with their mouths though so it's a little wonky. I'd just like to note that in this marine montage, everyone looks like they're having a great time.

Jesse's choice of activity is to visit all of the landmarks from when Elvis filmed "Blue Hawaii" and "Paradise Hawaiian Style." The family is not nearly as moved by the sites as Jesse so they quickly move on. Next they are all paddle-boating and again, laughing and having a great time. Joey sees his Hawaiian girl and dives out of the paddle boat to pursue her but she vanishes yet again.

The family's now on a boat with Danny acting as skipper guiding them to the island of Pua. Unfortunately for the Tanner clan, Danny is not very well-versed in the fine art of skippering and has actually been navigating the boat towards a potato chip crumb on the map that he mistook for an island. Whoops. Luckily at that moment when everyone realizes that Danny's gotten them lost, he catches site of an island and they set sail for it. But the string of bad luck continues as after some exploration, the island appears to show no signs of life. To make matters worse, Danny needs some practice in tying knots as their boat begins floating away.

Danny begins running through the water to catch it, and Jesse follows, not to get to the boat, but to kill Danny. Man, I hope they didn't leave any of their important possessions on there. Becky yells that the boat's too far gone, but it really doesn't look like it is. Depending on their strength as a swimmer, I maintain that they could have caught up to it. They just wanted to stay on Potato Chip Crumb Island forever.

Jesse casts Danny's clipboard of fun out to sea and everyone cheers because they regarded the clipboard so bitterly. But, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we've seen evidence to the contrary and that the clipboard's assigned activities did indeed result in fun being had by all. Joey's doing the stupid Popeye voice and nature fights back by dropping a coconut on his head and laying his ass out. The score is Potato Chip Crumb Island, one, Joey Gladstone, zero. Unfortunately this blow to the head causes Joey to hallucinate that he's seeing his dream girl and he chases after the mirage. Dumb!

Steph is alone gathering food in the depths of the jungle which seems pretty dangerous to me. She runs into a young boy whom she takes to be a Menehune, but each child runs screaming away from the other. Stephanie runs back to tell D.J. who doesn't buy and when Steph starts voicing her concern over their fate, she does a pretty good job of comforting her and assuring her that the adults have this shit on lockdown.

But her theory's shot to shit when a plane flies overhead and doesn't see them so all of the grownups begin attacking one another, arguing and yelling. D.J., who's apparently the most mature of the bunch, gets them to cut the crap and that they can make P.C.C.I. a "totally rad place to live."

The family's trekking through the jungle when they come across a bunch of natives who pretend to be savages to fuck with them. It's actually a pretty awesome trick to play on tourists. The natives inform them that they actually are on Pua, so Danny receives the validation that he so desperately needed following his family's clipboard-hating inspired mutiny. They are invited to participate in a Polynesian show and Becky gets the band to play Rock-a-Hula. Jesse sings with them while the rest of the family dances onstage and I'm so terribly embarrassed for all of them.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

"You tried to go to dinner with that blow-dried side of beef!" or Luck Be a Lady (Part I and II)(2.21, 2.22)

Finally! I've made it through Season Two. I fell really behind for a little while there, but by this weekend, I should be caught up with ABC Family's schedule. To congratulate myself, I'm shortening the two-part finale into one lump of recappy goodness. Oh yeah, and I skipped the two previous ep's. One was when Joey's girlfriend from college comes back into his life following her divorce, and I just don't want to consider Joey's potential past sex life. The other was when Jesse turns 26 and everyone needs him to do various tasks (write an ad with Joey, fix Danny's car, attend a wedding with Becky, coach D.J.'s soccer game, bake cookies for Stephanie and fix Michelle's jack in the box). He has a nutty and everyone stops bugging him. But let's not worry about the episodes I skipped and move onto the two part season 2 finale...

"Wake Up San Francisco" is filming in Lake Tahoe at the FABULOUS Ali Baba Hotel and Casino. And naturally, the entire family is coming along for the trip. Jesse is ecstatic because he has this romantic trip in mind and he plans on telling Becky that he's in love with her. Joey is also ecstatic because I think he's harboring a secret gambling addiction.

The celebrity guest on the show is alleged movie star Todd Masters. He's supposed to be of a Brad Pitt quality, I'm guessing, but he is supremely not hot nor hunky. Way to go casting department. I guess maybe he has that early 90s "handsome man" thing going on, but Todd's just looking haggard to me. Apparently Becky and him did breakfast that morning and he wants to take her to dinner. When she mentions that she has a boyfriend, he graciously extends the invite to Jesse as well. As soon as Jesse catches wind of these possible dinner plans, and doesn't realize that the plans include him, he flies off the handle in a jealous rage. He tries to flirt with some hotel casino cocktail waitress and is smacked down.

Meanwhile, Joey isn't having much success with the slots, and leaves the girls to guard his machine while he gets more change. D.J. and Steph naturally can't resist the temptation to play the slots and obviously win the jackpot. Joey comes back to the bells and sirens, and the sounds can be heard from the set of "Wake Up San Francisco." Danny is ecstatic to learn that "Joey" won the big money because it might mean some help on the bills and whatnot. Unfortunately, the casino doesn't operate on leaps of faith and the casino owner Mr. Santana totally busts them with the surveillance videotape that shows the girls pulling the lever to win the jackpot. No money for you, Joey!

Jesse and Rebecca are arguing in their room and then finally burst out that they love each other and because they've been dating for 6 months and are in love, Jesse proposes marriage. Yeah, I know. She accepts and begins mentally planning in her mind and calculating how much time is needed and mentions her never-seen brother Corky, whereas Jesse thinks they should elope immediately. They're mid-kiss as there's a knock on the door. They say, "Come in!" but are still lip-locking. D.J. and Steph enter the room and D.J. asks why they would say "Come in" when they don't really mean it. Good question.

Becky and Jesse blow off their plans with the girls claiming they have errands to do and then leave the room in a rush, and the girls catch wind that they're hiding something. And so their investigation begins.

Joey is informed by an old black woman named Shirley that he is now known as the "Jackpot Jerk" around the casino. Bwah. Amen, sistah! She's waiting to use the machine as soon as Joey's done because she thinks she's then guaranteed to win the big bucks. Joey fakes her out with a bogus "last quarter" and then plays his real last quarter and wins 20 bucks. Whoa. But Shirley is not deterred. She uses the machine when he finally buggers off and gets like 50 or 75 bucks. Nothing spectacular but it's still an excuse for us to point and laugh at Joey.

Danny decides to check in and ruin the episodes for me by toting Michelle around with him. Apparently he's teaching her to swim. Did you really need to go all the way to Lake Tahoe for swimming lessons, Dan? Man, I was really enjoying the minimal UgBaby exposure this episode. Dammit, Daniel. Why?

Jesse is meeting with Mr. Santana to book the casino/hotel chapel for the wedding. Mr. Santana replies with a hug prompting Jesse to ask whether or not anyone shakes hands anymore. I'm with you. Totally not a hugger. Unless I'm drunk. Then watch out! The girls have been tailing them the whole time and find a bag from a jewelry store, and that the chapel is circled in the phone book and because they're not complete boneheads, they figure it out. They tell Danny and Joey, well, Stephanie does anyway, through the relay of UgBaby. The family busts them at the chapel.

It's just as well, because as soon as Jesse and Becky actually start discussing important marital affairs like children, careers, homes, etc., they discover that they have a lot to discuss before they take the plunge. Well, Becky expresses these reservations and wants to postpone. Jesse is a moron and still wants to go through with it, but Becky has to walk away and break his heart.

Back in San Fran, Jesse is moping in his room listening to a cover of "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay." I used to love this song (still do, just don't listen to it in as heavy a rotation) and put it on a mix CD for when I went for late night solo walks. So, Becky knocks on the door and Jesse pretends that he's talking to some chick but then the phone actually rings and it's all, whoa! You're SO busted, Jess Man! He tries to act all cavalier, but Becky breaks him down. They shmoop all over the place and agree that they need to work out the kinks before they can take the plunge. Fear not, Jesse and Becky 'shippers, they assure everyone that they're still in loooooove.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

"I love the smell of Lysol in the morning" or Goodbye Mr. Bear (2.18)

It's Spring Cleaning in the Tanner household which is the equivalent of Christmas to Danny. He's assembled his cleaning army of Jesse, Joey and the girls and they set off singing a drill song: "If we find dirt we will attack/And we'll get Danny off our back!" The girls are sorting the toys in their room to select some to be donated to charity. Stephanie starts becoming apprehensive because she can't find Mr. Bear, and everyone tells her not to worry, but it's pretty obvious that this is going to turn into a major issue. D.J. blows her off because she needs to go to karate.

Danny is inspecting the cleaning job done by the fam and let it be noted that Joey even dusted the firewood. I'm pretty sure that I also used to have to dust the firewood when I was cleaning my living room in the house I grew up in. Joey helps Stephanie look for Mr. Bear when it dawns on him that he might have accidentally given the bear away. Ruh roh. Stephanie is in her room praying in a very humble and endearing way that God return Mr. Bear to her while Joey looks on sadly.

Danny brings D.J. home from karate and in the kitchen, Jesse is completely re-doing the kitchen cabinets. He was supposed to just replace a broken handle, but that handle was discontinued, so he opted for an entirely new set of handles, but that required bigger holes in the cabinets, so Jesse decided to install new cabinet faces. Danny is not impressed as he cries, "How can you do this to me? This is my Christmas!"

Meanwhile, there's a cop in the living room. Stephanie flagged him down to report her missing bear. Jesse thinks that Danny called the po-po on him for screwing up his kitchen. The cop handles it pretty well when it's revealed that it's a bear and not a person that's missing. Joey then confesses that he may have possibly accidentally given Mr. Bear away to charity. Stephanie is a merciless one, and demands that he be arrested. I agree! Lock him up and throw away the key!

Stephanie is hard at work making Missing posters for Mr. Bear. D.J. tries to tell her to get over it, and references how she lost her Pillow Person, but got over it. Just then, Stephanie pulls the Pillow Person out of hiding and D.J. rejoices at finding her favorite childhood toy. Joey comes in to apologize and offer his services, so he begins joining Stephanie is making posters.

Downstairs, the newly renovated kitchen looks great and Danny's ecstatic. He can barely contain his joy and grabs Jesse into a tight embrace. Jesse backs away and scolds Danny to "never hug me in front of my power tools!" Bwah! Woohoo! Nick and Irene are there! I'm glad they're featured so regularly, because they are my favorite grandparents of the family. They've brought a plethora of new teddy bears for Stephanie to select from. UgBaby comes in and completely blows off Grandma to pursue the toys. "Nice to see you too, honey" Irene dryly replies. This is why Irene rules.

Stephanie peruses the group of bears but none of them jive. This episode tugs at my heartstrings because I too once lost my most precious childhood possession. I had a yellow baby blanket named Sara, and I brought that thing everywhere. Even as I got older, I would fold it up and keep it in the bottom of my sleeping bag or duffel bag. One time I brought it over my cousin's house and somehow, accidentally left her behind. When I tried to reclaim it, I discovered that they thought it was a rag and burned it. I was so pissed. I still kind of am, on account of the fact that they're completely self-absorbed and blow us off for all family events. But seriously? I had this blanket my whole life, and everyone in my family knew it and recognized it, so WHY would they burn it? Who even burns baby blankets? I've just opened an entire floodgate of resentment. I wanted to pass that blanket on to my children! And now I can't because they were thoughtless brats! This was one of the most emotionally scarring periods in my childhood.

Um anyway, so what I'm saying is I totally feel Stephanie in this situation here. You can't replace your security item that you tote around everywhere. Just then Joey comes in with what appears to be Mr. Bear. But under closer scrutiny, Stephanie determines that he does not bear the scar on his nose from when it got shut in the toy box and Joey has brought home an impostor. Stephanie says that looking at that face when it's not the actual Mr. Bear is too painful, and she asks that Joey take him back to the store. She sadly returns upstairs, while Danny wonders why she's so attached to that bear. Irene and Nick offer to take the other bears back, but apparently that brat Michelle has claimed them as her own. And because nothing breeds brats better then letting them get their way, no one tells her otherwise. It's moments like these that shaped Michelle into the little snot she is in later years.

Everyone goes to try to comfort Stephanie and remind her that she's not alone in the world. Jesse demands a smile and it's pretty rough. Finally, D.J. recalls that Mr. Bear was a present from Pam on the day when she brought Michelle home from the hospital. So, duh! Obviously a gift from her dead mother is significant to her. But then in a weird moment, Stephanie didn't realize that's where Mr. Bear came from either, so hm.

They talk about how it's harder for the girls to remember their mother because they haven't talked about her a lot since the accident because it was too painful. Stephanie's afraid of losing her memories of her mother, so they begin sharing memories. Apparently Pam used to sing "On Top of Spaghetti" to the girls, which I don't really get, but whatever. This is kind of a touchy sensitive subject so I'm not going to nitpick. Then they decide to put on some old home movies to the delight of Danny, "If spring cleaning is my Christmas, then home movies are my New Year's Eve!"

The family gathers on the couch as they pop in the tape of Pam coming home from the hospital with Michelle. Jesse walks in the door before his sister and it's the return of the mullet! Present-day Jesse ponders whether he should grow his hair long again, which is met with a resounding "NO!" from the rest of the Tanner clan. Joey comes in with the girls' presents, a charm bracelet for D.J. and Mr. Bear. At the moment that Mr. Bear is on-screen, Michelle goes to retrieve him from her hiding place in some chest. That little piece of shit. Like they weren't constantly mentioning that they were looking for Mr. Bear, and she just now decides to go get him. If I were Stephanie, after the initial relief wore off, I would have backhanded that little shit right across her porky mouth. God I hate Michelle. This episode is a testament to why she leads the polls as most annoying FH character!

The family sits and watches Pam on the T.V. in quiet reflection and it's a really sad and touching closing scene as we close on the family silently watching her and listening to her voice.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

"Just what we need in San Francisco, another mime!" or El Problema Grande de D.J. (2.17)

Stephanie comes in bearing her report card and tells the guys to bust out the root beer to celebrate. She received some A's, some B's and a B-. Wow, really? I would have been mortified with those grades. If I hadn't gotten all A's in second grade. Did we even get letters yet? I feel like we were on the O(utstanding), E(xcellent), G(ood), F(air) and P(oor) grading system at that point in time. It wasn't until 4th grade that I got my first C in Handwriting, which is a bullshit subject as far as I'm concerned because have you seen the penmanship of like 90% of adults? Granted, I now have the most enviably neat handwriting of all of my friends and co-workers, some call it "meticulous." Perhaps it was that sub par grade that inspired my killer penmanship... wow, that rant went on way too long.

The only blemish on Stephanie's report card (aside from the B- which I just don't find all that impressive) is that Stephanie's teacher referred to her as a "Chatterbox." So Steph vows to not talk. D.J. comes in, pissed about her report card which is all A's... except for a D in Spanish. Ay! Dios Mio! Que lastima! (I, on the other hand, kicked ASS in Spanish). Danny offers to go to D.J.'s school to speak with her teacher, Senorita Mosley. Joey says that he's always been adept in languages and demonstrates his fluency in idiotic cartoon voices. The doorbell rings and it's J&J's advertising boss, Mr. Malatesta.

Down in Joey's bedroom, aka their office, Jesse, Joey and Mr. M are tossing around ideas for a new marshmallow campaign with the input of Michelle. Mr. M claims that "Delicious" has been done, but "Yummy" is innovative. "Yummy in the Tummy" is the tagline they come up with. Seriously? Yeah, that's creative. Mr. M tells the guys to find him the cutest baby in San Francisco to be in the commercial and they claim that they have their baby right there. Michelle? Who are you trying to kid? Granted, this is one of her less fug appearances, but still. For some reason, Mr. M goes for it and Michelle's got the job.

Danny's at the girls' school and passes Stephanie in the hallway who is still not speaking. He finds D.J. and is directed towards her Spanish classroom. Turns out that her teacher is very pretty and also starstruck because she's a huge fan of "Wake Up San Francisco." He flirts talking about pizza dough, and she flatters him and refers to him as a "big star." He's about to leave and remembers why he's there in the first place. He brings up D.J.'s grade and Srta Mosley explained that D.J. began the year with B's and C's, but when the work became tougher, she lost her drive and just stopped trying. She offers to come by their house after school to set up a study program. Danny thinks it's a great idea. "Hasta luego," she calls to him. "El Pollo Loco," Danny replies.

Michelle is being readied for her commercial and Danny tells her to remember who changed her diapers when she becomes famous. To this, Joey and Jesse claim that they were the primary diaper changers in her life. J&J head out with Michelle. Srta Mosley is going around the house putting up labels of Spanish words on various items in the household. She gives Danny a lesson in how to pronounce the "rr" and how to roll his tongue... into her mouth! Just as Danny and Srta M engage in a liplock, D.J. and her friends all walk in. Whoops. She is mortified and accuses him of not changing her grade to get in with the teacher.

Danny goes into the girls' room to talk to D.J. Stephanie is appalled at the thought of kissing a teacher. D.J. claims that Danny sold her out for a kiss and that she thought he was on her side. Finally Danny grows a spine and calls D.J. out on her shitty work ethic and that her grade was deserved and had nothing to do with the kiss.

Meanwhile down at the studio, UgMichelle is on the set for the commercial. Nick and Irene are both onhand to show their support and Nick keeps boasting that Michelle's like a teeny tiny Tina (Louise). I must note that the set looks HORRIBLE! The concept was that Michelle is sitting atop a marshmallow cloud, but it just looks like a sloppy giant cottonball. Methinks they don't have a huge budget at the ad agency... They start shooting and feed UgBaby some marshmallows but she's not having it. She's full and now declares marshmallows to be "Yucky!" Mr. Malatesta is not a patient man and advises the guys to dump the baby and make some calls for a replacement. Nick is outraged that Mr. M doesn't recognize Ug as the next Tina Louise and him and Irene chase after him to try to change his mind. Joey tells Michelle she's fired and she's too dumb to understand.

At home, D.J. is dreading going to school, afraid of the torment of her peers following the kiss. Jesse recommends the tactic of beating up the first person to say something, whereas Joey opts for the more passive method of beating the other kids to the punchline. He provides D.J. with some material to prepare her for the battlefield of the classroom.

Danny's already down at the school to break it off with Srta. Mosley. They agree to set a date for the day when D.J. is no longer her student, but do you think they'll ever follow through. Danny Tanner: San Francisco's greatest heartbreaker. The bell rings and class is going to begin, so Danny tries to slip out the back door. Too bad the back door is actually the closet.

The class files in and when D.J. enters, the students erupt into a "OooOOoOOOoo!" D.J. questions their wit and provides them with some Gladstone "gems":

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Deej who?
Deej-a see my Dad kiss the teacher!


Why does my Dad wear Senorita Mosley suspenders?
To keep my grades up.

D.J. thinks she's made it through the fire, but when she goes to hang her jean jacket (yes!) in the closet (why wouldn't she keep it in her locker?), she finds Danny. "OoooOOOooOo!" says the class again.

At home Danny tells D.J. to work hard and try her best, even when things get tough. And even if she doesn't succeed, he'll still love her for trying. Stephanie comes home shortly after. Finally, the guys can no longer take the silence and beg her to talk. She launched into a mile-a-minute gabfest which includes witnessing Mr. Gibbler knock trash cans over with her car and seeing a dog that looked like a lion that she thought was a lion until it got hit with a newspaper and barked. Riveting.

"Dad, was she really necessary?" or Baby Love (2.16)

Kimmy, in a scene that contributes nothing towards the continuity of the show, has brought over a litter of Shar Pei's to the Tanners for the girls to pet and play with. You may recall that in later episodes, Kimmy's poodle Coco, is featured, but no Shar Pei. I'll allow it because I love puppies and they're really cute. The scene ends with D.J. commanding the puppy to roll over and UgMichelle following the command because she knows she's a bitch. Suck on that, Ug.

Jesse and Joey are watching "Wake Up San Francisco" with Michelle, because who needs to work? Becky is doing a segment on seeing San Francisco through the eyes of a tourist and her featured commentator of a visitor to the city is her nephew Howie, who's about Michelle's age. Michelle has a crush on him because she thinks he's good-looking, which okay. I don't think I could formulate a crush til age 4 or 5, but perhaps I was a late bloomer. Jesse is anxiously awaiting Becky's special secret signal to him. It's not subtle at all as she says "It would be a nice JESS...ture." (WINK*WINK*WINK) Smooth. Very professional, Ms. Donaldson.

Turns out Howie is staying with the Tanners because I guess his mother doesn't want to have her vacation in the big city ruined by the presence of her young son. Becky and Jesse will be watching all of the kids for the night, and she very sluttily mentions to Jesse how they can take care of the children while they play and "Later, you and I can play." Imagine that said in a "I wish I was a pornstar" voice. Kimmy brought "The Wolfman" over for her and D.J. to watch. D.J. tries to tell Stephanie that she's too young to watch the scary movie, but Steph goes to Uncle Jesse for a second opinion and he says she can watch it. Becky doesn't quite agree with that parenting decision because she doesn't think Stephanie is old enough and that it will scare her. Jesse blows off her concerns.

The girls are in the living room on the couch, watch the movie, Kimmy howling along with the Wolfman. Jesse and Becky bring them in drinks and snacks and end up scaring the crap out of them. At that point they shut off the movie and then Becky's rarely mentioned sister Connie comes over. I'd like to note that the actress playing Connie, Debbie Gregory, later resurfaces as Stephanie's dance teacher whom Danny asks out on a date only to be repulsed by her messy apartment. She's come to take Howie away and break Michelle's heart, and for that, I will always love her. Anyone who can upset Michelle Tanner is like family to me.

Unfortunately this also leads to a torturous and fairly painful scene of Michelle not being able to sleep and standing in her crib crying "Howie no buh-bye" over and over and over again. Apparently it's 2AM and she can't sleep without a penis in her crib, that little hussy. As soon as they note the time, Michelle says "Howie" a few more times and then falls asleep. See? Pointless! I shouldn't have even recapped the scene other than the fact that it provided me the opportunity to throw more daggers at Michelle and her future as a whore.

Meanwhile in the girls room, Stephanie is woken up by a noise. She runs to D.J. who tells her it's an Isuzu horn. Then we hear howling, which she tells her is the Gibbler's dog (which in this particular episode, happens to be a Shar Pei... ah, now I know why they included that opening scene- to provide a point of reference for this moment as well as being cute!) D.J. goes to get Stephanie some warm milk to help her sleep, and Stephanie starts thinking that D.J.'s George Michael poster has gotten hairier in the past 5 minutes, so she takes off downstairs. The girls run into each other in the darkened kitchen and scream. Danny and Joey come down to see what all the commotion is and the girls tell them that Jesse let them watch "The Wolfman" Just then, Jesse walks into the kitchen just in time to be scolded. Heh.

To assuage her fears, the guys put on a little skit for Stephanie about Wolfman at home. Jesse plays the Wolfman because of his bedhead, Joey plays Mr. Wolfman and Danny portrays the mother, Virginia Wolf. Heh. Stephanie is no longer scared of the Wolfman when he's placed in this ridiculous setting. Jesse then goes to tend to Michelle, who has since woken up and is repeating Howie's name again. Jesse picks her up and carries her into his room and lays her on the bed and then pulls out his... guitar. Thought that was going somewhere nastier, didn't you? Jesse proceeds to sing the most nauseating song ever, "When Michelle's Smiling" made ever grosser by an accompanying UgBaby montage. Ugh. A little bit of my soul died with that segment. Though I have to note that the lyrics sound like they're about someone who's mentally retarded: "She laughs at the news because she can't make sense of the pictures." For that, there is some redemption.

The next day, Jesse apologizes to Becky for the Wolfman debacle and concedes that she was right and will be a great mother someday. She tells him that's he's already a great mom. Becky came bearing a videotape of HTV, or Howie T.V., all Howie, all the time. He greets Michelle and says that he misses her and the whole family's "Aww"ing. I'm not. D.J. comments that even though Michelle is only 2, she's acting like a real person. I wouldn't go that far, Deej. Bye bye Howie! We won't be seeing you til (SPOILER! (if you've never seen this show before, that is)) Jesse and Becky's wedding!

Monday, December 10, 2007

"No good, lame-oid boyfriend stealer!" or Pal Joey (2.15)

To preface, the network skipped over airing episode 14 because it's the Valentine's Day episode with D.J.'s royal blue sweater. Look for that one in mid-February, as we move onward and upward through Season Two.

Danny and Michelle are sliding around the kitchen with paper towels on their feet. J&J coming in being all silly and totally in love with one another and you can see the resentment boiling deep within Danny's bowels. Harry and Stephanie arrive home from school, Harry lamenting that he doesn't understand subtraction. D.J. steps in to lend a helping hand and sparks a little something in Harry's eyes.

Down in Joey's room, the guys are trying to work on a new advertisement and Jesse comments how his partner's bedroom resembles Pee Wee's Playhouse. They seize this opportunity provided by a pop-culture reference to declare "office" to be the secret word. Danny comes down and says the word, sending J&J into a yelling, laughing fit. Heh, this kind of makes me want to incorporate a secret word into my everyday life and scream at people when they unknowingly use it. Kind of. Danny has been feeling neglected and for some reason misses Joey, so they schedule a play date for later that week.

Harry has arrived at the Tanner household bearing a gift for D.J. It's a giant lollipop that says "I Love You." Stephanie is pissed at D.J. for stealing her man, and trades rooms with Michelle so that she doesn't have to live with D.J.

Danny and Joey go to play basketball together and are interrupted by Jesse. Apparently there's some sort of celebratory party with some people from the office that they don't actually work at, and Danny is miffed that their quality time is being cut short. Joey suggests that next point wins and Danny sarcastically thanks him for pencilling him on and proceeds to foul him with a smack to the wrist. Jesse concurs with Joey's assertion that Danny fouled him and Danny gets pissy and stalks off of the court. J&J go home to talk to Danny about his outburst on the court which opens the doors for a flashback sequence! Yes! My favorite part of the show!

This one centers around Danny and Joey's first meeting. It was February 23, 1968, and I have to say that the child actor they got to portray young Danny has an uncanny resemblance to Bob Saget. It's scary! Danny is sent to sit on the bench during recess because he has a nosebleed and in the background we see a young Jesse Katsopolis running around the playground, chasing the girls and asking for kisses. The schoolyard bully stops by to torment Danny until he is saved by a young Joey Gladstone and his slew of insults. I am less impressed with this child's wit when he reveals his secret: that loser needed a joke book to provide all of his material. Hack! HAAAAACK! I knew you were a fraud, Gladstone! The bully goes to tell the teacher and Danny fibs to keep Joey out of trouble. Bully responds that Danny is lying and the teacher replies, "That's impossible. Daniel Tanner's never been in trouble a day in his life." She then awesomely reveals that the bully's name is Sheldon! Bwah! Atleast we know why he's so angry and goes around bullying all of the other kids.

Danny and Joey then thank each other for saving the other's ass, and pledge to be friends for life. They bury their most prized possession and seal their friendship with a soul brother handshake. This awesome moment is made fucking amazing by the fact that there's a young black boy using the water fountain in the background, watching all of this, and he just shakes his head at them. It's just a really humorous, really nice touch. The memory is concluded with the hot teacher sitting Jesse down with her as punishment for kissing all of the girls. Jesse couldn't be happier as he ends our trip down memory lane with a "Have Mercy!" Danny and Joey are still upset with one another, but the fight is put on hold as Michelle enters the room, confused about where she's supposed to be sleeping. Jesse goes upstairs to figure out what's going on.

Jesse sends Michelle back to her room and sits Harry, Stephanie and D.J. down in his room to work this whole mess out. D.J. not-so-kindly tells Harry to bugger off, and her and Jesse manipulate Harry and Stephanie like puppets in order to prompt them to make up.

Joey and Danny are in hot pursuit to dig up the coffee can holding their childhood prized possessions. Joey criticizes Danny for digging so slowly and Danny chastises Joey for not even remembering when they buried the can. Joey strikes the metal of the can on the first dig and they remove it from the ground. Danny buried his San Francisco Giants hat which no longer fits, and Joey pulls out his old insult book, which is still alive and well in his present day comedy act (HACK!). They read the pledge that they placed inside, calling themselves soul brothers and I pray that the adult version of the boy from the water fountain returns for another head shake but am left disappointed. The pledge is signed Daniel Ernest Tanner and Joey Alvin Gladstone. They laugh about their horrible middle names and realize that they have an long history of great times and good memories that shouldn't be cast aside.

They decide to re-bury their items, but not before one minor addition. The next scene shows Jesse arriving at the schoolyard with his blow dryer in hand. They command him to toss the dryer into the can and sign the pledge and he grudgingly does. They do one more soul brother shake and again I pray for the water bubbler boy to return. He doesn't, so I just shake my head at them and all is right with the world.

"Down at the end of Backache Street at Ben-Gay Hotel" or Working Mothers (2.13)

After extending the theme song and credits for an episode, we're back to short and sweet. J&J are working on another advertising jingle and goddammit! Joey is back in that same exact rugby shirt that pissed me off a couple of episodes ago! You are not cool enough to wear that jersey, Gladstone! Just as they start making some serious creative headway, the girls burst into the room needing rides and assistance with an Elvis impersonation (Stephanie) and Karate (D.J.). They assure them that they'll help with everything,

The next day, J&J are in the kitchen awaiting a call from their boss about their jingle and somehow get bamboozled by MIchelle and locked out on the patio. Naturally, when they're trapped outside, their boss Mr. Malatesta calls them. UgBaby doesn't know her role and answers the phone and hangs up on him. Man that bitch sucks. The guys are pleading with her to let them into the house as Danny comes into the kitchen. Not knowing that Daddy-o is in the vicinity, they try to tempt Michelle with a kiss and a cookie.

Danny opens the door for them and asks them to make good on the promise. Jesse opts to retrieve the cookie, leaving Joey to provide the kiss. Before any spit can be swapped, the phone rings again. It's J&J's boss, Mr. Malatesta calling with good news: they bought the guys' Hurry Mart jingle, but they want them to come down to the office for follow-up. They leave Danny still waiting for his kiss and unfortunately for him, UgBaby is the one to make good on it. Wash yo' face, Danny!

Down at the advertising agency, Mr. Malatesta informs J&J that not only did Hurry Mart love their jingle, they want them to turn it into a full national campaign including a commercial. If they are successful, Mr. M will offer them a full time advertising gig. The guys are stoked, and even more enthused when they get a glimpse of their possible future office.

Back at the house, the girls are looking for J&J to help them with their Karate and Elvis. Danny manages to combine the two into one most awesome hybrid and my love for him grows tenfold. The girls are less than impressed: "That was Elvis?" "Yeah." "Presley?!?!" Oh snap. The guys come home and tell them the good news about their potential promotion and the girls are left to wonder who will take care of them if all three guys are working full-time.

It's time for the guys to make their cheesy and uninspired presentation for their commercial toting Hurry Mart as "The Great American General Store." Right before they're supposed to go, Irene shows up and drops off UgBaby with the guys. Apparently she has to go to school. Wow! Look at that continuity from "Fogged In"! Jesse tries to protest that the client was late and the Ugly Baby will ruin their crappy commercial pitch, but Irene's eyes are hurting enough for one day and she bails.

They try to shove Ug under the desk, but unfortunately her hideous mug shows itself, mooing mid-presentation. They try to pass her off as their baby and gay jokes ensue. Amazingly enough for the guys, the client for some reason digs their concept and is even willing to overlook the presence of Michelle, but for some reason uses the word "dagnabbit" in doing so. Huh. So yeah, they booked the campaign! Wow, this whole plotline is so implausible, but it's FH. What do I expect? Man, if only it were that easy to make it in advertising, I'd be ecstatic.

The guys are at home celebrating their new gig with some champagne in a can. i just threw up in my mouth a little bit at the notion. Finally, something more repugnant than Franzia wine-in-a-box or Mad Dog 20/20. Danny and the girls arrive home from their activities. D.J. won the green belt at her karate tournament and Stephanie won the golden hive talent award for her Elvis impersonation. J&J then share their good news: they got the full-time job. Danny is happy for them and even more excited for the supplemental income to the household, but the girls can't hide their disappointment. They tell the guys that they're afraid of being alone.

J&J are in Joey's bedroom and weighing the pro's and con's of taking the job. The most important con's being less time with the girls, and less time to pursue their passions of comedy and music. They ask themselves if they're ready to give up their dreams for this career? And it's at this point where I'd argue that this is an ideal job opportunity for them because it allows them to combine both their passions of comedy and music into one outlet that is far more profitable than any of their past endeavors. They ultimately decide to ask Mr. M for the permission to take on the full-time job but work from home. He agrees. Man. That was resolved easily.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The Tall Geeky Giant v. The Hot-Headed Troubadour who spent way too much time on his hair, or Fogged In (2.12)

The opening screen shot is a weird red, orange, yellow and blue animated graphic with the show title and a cartoon rendering of the Golden Gate bridge prior to beginning the episode. Weird. Joey is trying out his comedy material on Michelle, who is unimpressed. Same here, UgBaby.

The theme song and credits are extended to include a nauseating and mildly disturbing scene featuring Joey and Jesse blowing raspberries on Michelle's stomach for entirely too long. I am creeped out. Glad they decided to leave that one on the cutting room floor for the majority of episodes.

Danny is in the kitchen playing with Michelle with one of those little Fisher Price or whatever kitchen complete with plastice pots/pans and polyvinyl eggs, bacon, etc. Stephanie and D.J. come into the kitchen arguing about what they want for breakfast, it's the classic waffles v. french toast debate. Sometimes pancakes find themselves thrown into the fray. They call on UgBaby to serve as the tiebreaker and she makes her selection of cookies. All three girls are content with this decision... Danny? Not so much.

Jesse & Joey interrupt the discussion and come in looking absolutely wrecked. Danny suggests that Jesse check the expiration date on his mousse. Turns out they were up all night perfecting their jingle for Casa de Pancakes (ole!). The back door opens and in comes Kimmy Gibbler, who's staying with the Tanners this weekend. This is not the news that J&J needed to hear.

The doorbell rings and Joey answers in his bathrobe, clutching a jelly donut and looking a hot ass mess. It's Cheryl! Remember Cheryl? She was one of Denise's friends, the one who was set up with Jesse but for unknown reasons, fell for Joey. I know I know, it's because he was "funny" but I'm not buying it. Apparently, they've been dating for 2 months and this is the first time she's seen him as his evil twin, "Sloppy Joe." Cheryl invites him to go skiing that weekend and Joey warns her that this fugness may happen again. Cheryl laughs it off and says she'll counter with her evil twin, "No make-up Cheryl." Heh. Joey's just so excited at the prospect of getting laid that he squeezes his jelly donut in his hand. Dumbass.

D.J. and Kimmy are in Jesse's room, playing the keyboard and singing "Locomotion" into a microphone attached to a tape recorder. Jesse comes in and asks what they're doing. Horrified he checks the tape in the deck and sure enough, the girls taped over his and Joey's jingle, only leaving the closing line: "Casa de Pancakes, OLE!" Jesse rightfully flips a shit. D.J. tries to protest that it was just an accident, but I am firmly planted in Jesse's corner on this one. She was in his room, without his permission, using his music and recording equipment, without his permission, and then ended up ruining his project for work.

Danny comes in as the tirade is going on and D.J. brats that Jesse doesn't have to worry about her messing with his stuff again because she's never going back into his room. If I was Jesse, I'd be celebrating. Who wants a bunch of kids coming in and out of their bedroom, messing with all of their stuff? She storms out with Kimmy in tow and Danny talks to Jesse about his temper. Jesse submits that he may have gone a little overboard, but I still think he was well within his rights to flip. Whatever.

To make up for yelling at D.J., Jesse surprises her with her very own drum set bearing the name "Harry Levin Trio", asking, "We cool now?" D.J. forgives him and he gives her a little demo on the drums. The rest of the family, minus Danny who isn't home yet, joins them to watch the show. Just then, Grandpa Nick comes in and warns the departing Joey and Cheryl about the heavy fog rolling in. He is followed closely by Irene, with whom he had a fight. Apparently Irene has decided to go back to school, and Nick prefers her to maintain the household. So now Nick is moving in with the Tanners! This will be news to Danny who, let's face it, has no control over what goes on in his house. Danny arrives mid-drumming, and laments that indeed, that racket was coming from his house.

The more pressing issue right now to Danny is the appearance of the drum set, so he pulls Uncle J(esse) to have a word in the K(itchen). Danny's pretty miffed that Jesse missed the point of his little talk and opted to buy D.J.'s forgiveness rather than talk it out. Jesse then storms into the living room and tells D.J. her dad said she couldn't keep the drums, pitting Danny in the role of the bad guy. Just then, Irene goes to leave, with Nick telling the family that "She'll be back." She actually comes right back because the fog has become so dense. Looks like the big happy family, plus the Harry Levin Trio, are all fogged in.

The guys and grandparents tuck the girls into bed, and Stephanie asks is everyone is mad because Kimmy is staying over. Danny is about to deny it, but then looks at Kimmy obnoxiously crunching on potato chips and then concedes, "Maybe." Irene and Nick are careful to avoid one another and she informs the room that she will be staying in Joey's bedroom if anyone would like to come beg for forgiveness.

Jesse has moved onto the nursery and is reading Michelle a bedtime story about a Tall Geeky Giant and the day the music died. Danny comes in and Michelle calls him "Geeky Giant." Danny tries his hand at storytelling about a Hot-Headed Troubadour who spent way too much time on his hair. The words are too big for Michelle and all she says is "Geeky Giant." I wish that nickname had stuck because even though I like Danny, it's funny.

The house is darkened and quiet and Joey and Cheryl come in through the back door. The fog was too severe and they had to call of their skiing trip. She says goodnight and leaves. Seriously? If visibility is that bad, wouldn't you extend the invitation to your ladyfriend to stay the night? I mean, you don't have to share a bed if you're worried about the girls, but God, she could get into a car crash because it's late and foggy! Horrible boyfriend! I hate you, Joey! He pulls off his gear and ends up falling over the baby gate down the stairs to his room with a loud crash. Oddly enough, this loud crash doesn't cause Irene to stir in although she's in his bedroom, but Nick hears it from the couch in the living room and wakes up to check on her.

Joey climbs into bed in his long johns. She thinks it's Nick coming to apologize and starts to initiate some hardcore spooning. Screaming ensues, and Nick, Danny and Jesse all run downstairs and are horrified by the scene they find. Joey jumps out of the bed and you can totally see his entire package outlined by his long underwear. I think I just turned a little bit gay at that sight. Danny thankfully hands Joey a robe and tells him to cover up because nobody wants to see that. I feel like that may have been a Bob Saget ad lib. And for that, I thank him.

Jesse sits down his parents to talk out their problem and has an epiphany when he tells his father that he can't just buy his mother's forgiveness, he needs to talk about the problem. He realizes finally that the Geeky Giant was right and he did the same thing with D.J. as his father did with his mother. He goes upstairs to apologize to Danny.

While Jesse is telling Danny that he's sorry, D.J. walks by overhead. She was woken by the loud crash and screams, but in this instance, she just happened to be on her way back from the bathroom. Jesse calls her down to talk, and when Danny protests that it's 3AM, Jesse says that he wants to tell her that he was wrong and Danny was right, so he agrees. Jesse says he was wrong to buy D.J.'s forgiveness and that he needs to learn to control his temper. Danny says that D.J. may keep the drums... they will never be heard from again. Jesse tells D.J. that he inherited his bad temper from his father and recounts an incident from his youth where he kicked a field goal through Jethro's face when his father was watching "The Beverly Hillbillies" on the television and during this anecdote, D.J. falls asleep. I think I did too, a little bit. I mean, it was wicked boring.

Monday, December 3, 2007

"Don't stop now ladies, I can go all night!" or A Little Romance (2.11)

Jesse and Joey are downstairs in the kitchen and Becky comes in and asks them to participate in an upcoming date auction. Becky just has to bat her doe eyes at Jesse and tell him that it would mean a lot to her to get him to agree to it. Danny rushes in because he apparently wanted to beat Becky home with the news. Danny does not want to be auctioned off because he is acting as the auctioneer and to play both roles would be insanity. Becky applies the same tactics she used on Jesse to Danny and he caves. Suddenly Jesse doesn't feel quite so special. Oh Becky, you and your feminine wiles and charms.

Kimmy comes into D.J.'s room and her hair sends me into a traumatic flashback. Her short curly layered 'do unfortunately resembles the hideousness that I suffered through when I was in third grade. I didn't get it cut that way because I wanted to, the stupid Italian stylist just butchered my hair. I hated it and thought I looked like a boy and Kimmy's hair is bringing me back to a very dark place. Moving on from my childhood traumas, Kimmy is there to inform D.J. that Michael Montfort likes D.J. and is going to ask her to eat lunch with him. D.J. is ecstatic.

The next day at school, Michael, who is played by noneother than Jonathan Brandis (of Tiger Beat, Teen Bop, "Ladybugs" and "Sidekicks" fame (Rest in Peace)), asks D.J. to eat lunch with him (which is junior high code for being boyfriend and girlfriend). He seals the deal by giving her a friendship bracelet and the playground erupts into cheers. Side note: poor Jonathan Brandis, I was so bummed when I heard he killed himself. Ladybugs was totally one of my favorite movies growing up. Sadness.

That evening at the house, Nick is there baby-sitting the girls, playing cards in the living room with Stephanie. D.J. and Michael are in the kitchen doing homework. As Michael's getting ready to leave, D.J. asks if she'll see him at lunch tomorrow. He says that he promised to eat with Cathy Santoni the next day and D.J. wonders, "Won't everyone say you're boyfriend and girlfriend?" Michael's okay if they do. D.J. is hurt and confused, and is even more hurt when Michael explains that D.J. is really nice and smart, but Cathy is just so... pretty. Ouch. On that note, Michael leaves and D.J. is crushed about her short-lived romance and angrily removes the bracelet he gave her. Stephanie comes into their shared room where D.J. is wallowing and D.J. kicks her out for the night because she wants to be alone. Poor Steph is stuck sharing the nursery with UgBaby.

At the date auction, Joey's up for bid. At first he's not really drawing much of a reaction until Danny builds him up with various lines of bullshit. Finally the bidding begins at $100, then climbs by $50 increments until he finally goes for $300 to an old woman with a bird on her hat. Fear not, unfunny comic! She actually purchased you for her super hot granddaughter Heather. Danny tries to skip over himself, but Becky forces him to take the stage. Danny is overcome with nerves and isn't selling himself very well to the prospective buyers. Finally he manages to get a bid and personally thanks everyone in the audience who bid on him. Overcome with excitement, Danny boasts that he can go all night and suddenly the place is booming with bidders. Danny realizes that they misunderstood his intent, so he just goes back to the last bidder prior to his outburst. It's to the old lady with a bird on her hat for $150! Sucks for Danny because she actually bought him for herself.

Rowr, bring on Jesse Katsopolis. Danny needn't give an introduction because the ladies are hungry to bid. Everyone in the room is willing to bid $100, $200, $300 until one woman who had been flirting with him earlier, jumps the bid up to $1000. Jesse remarks, "$1000 for a night with me? No pressure there." Becky can't stand to see her man go to another hussy so she hops in the bidding with $1100. They go back and forth to $1200, $1300, $1400 until Becky raises her bid to an astounding $1700. Hot damn! The blonde hussy finally gives up, "Take him. I could never explain $1700 to my husband." Hee!

The guys and Becky return to the house and tell Nick about the date auction. Joey says that he got a great girl and Danny laments, "I got her grandmother." Jesse tells Nick that Becky paid $1700 for him, and Nick rightfully replies "What are you? Nuts?!" Amen to that! Nick has to interrupt the good times and laughs by informing them that D.J. is upstairs and upset because her boyfriend broke up with her. Danny knows that her first broken heart calls for a Dad talk. J&J follow to assist.

Becky is left downstairs for Nick where he asks her why she spent so much on Jesse when she could have had him for free? Her face shows that she realizes that she was probably a little overzealous.

Upstairs the guys are talking to D.J. She's upset because she's not pretty. They try to tell her that she is pretty and then draw comparison to the Ugly Duckling story. Big mistake. She flips out and locks herself in the bathroom, leaving the guys stunned in the hallway. Just then Becky comes up the stairs to check on the situation and scolds them for using the Ugly Duckling story; a tactic you never use unless you're talking about somebody else's kid. Becky offers to smooth the situation over and knocks on the bathroom door and gets D.J. to come out and talk.

Stephanie thinks that her room is free while D.J. is in the bathroom and begins to move her stuff back in starting with Mr. Bear. While she is going back for the rest of her things, D.J. and Becky return to the bedroom and close the door. Stephanie knocks on the door and is answered with Mr. Bear being hurled against the wall. Poor Mr. Bear. Poor Stephanie, who wants to sleep on the floor of an UgBaby's room?

Becky and D.J. are having girl talk. Becky tells D.J. that one day she'll find a guy who likes her, "and pay $1700 for him!" D.J. doesn't understand the metaphor and Becky confesses that neither does she. She tries again, mentioning how when she was D.J.'s age she dug a guy named Sven who only went for blondes. So she tried bleaching her hair and turned it orange. When she was upset, her mother made her stand in front of the mirror and list all of her good qualities. D.J. asks if she's going to have to do that too, and Becky says that she does. D.J. feels better and asks if she can call Becky from time to time to talk about girl stuff. Becky says that she can. They open the door to find Stephanie sleeping on the floor in the hallway, and D.J. sends Becky away and says she'll take care of it. She drags Steph back into the room and closes the door.

Becky joins the guys downstairs and Danny thanks her for helping him out with the D.J. situation. Danny and Joey leave Jesse and Becky alone to talk. Jesse tries to say that he knows she just got caught up in the excitement of the date auction and he knows that she set the boundaries of just being friends. Becky starts rambling about maybe she was wrong and goes on and on until she finally says, "Or maybe you should just shut me up" with his tongue! They kiss and are interrupted by the cry of UgBaby: "Have Mewrcy!" Ugh, learn to talk. And shouldn't you be in bed?

Sunday, December 2, 2007

"Our careers are over, but we're going to pass 6th grade science!" or Middle Age Crazy (2.10)

For some reason, Danny is videotaping UgBaby Michelle riding one of those bouncing plastic horses in the kitchen. I haven't the slightest idea why he would want to record such hideousness, but my only guess is that he's doing it as a precautionary method in case he ever entertains the thought of having another child. No Danny, they're just going to get uglier! Stephanie comes in with her Token Asian Harry, boasting of Stephanie setting the hula hoop record. Steph tries to show off for her father but he gives her the brush off because apparently the videotape is only about UgMichelle. Why? Ugh, As a sibling, I think that's some really obnoxious parenting there. Normally I love Danny, but this was a dumb move.

Jesse and Joey are suffering from writer's block trying to come up with a jingle for the Sweat Shack gym. Joey's wearing a hideous Cosby-style sweater. They're desperate for ideas and reach into the trash to recycle their old rejected concepts. Among these is a pretty cheesetastic rap jingle. Stephanie comes downstairs and tries to show off her skills to the guys but they too blow her off, because they need to work. Not a moment later, D.J. comes bounding downstairs asking for help with her science project. Stephanie begins to tell her that they can't because they're busy with work, but apparently a 6th grade science project is important enough to put their careers on hold.

D.J. needs to do the classic egg drop project, and apparently her success will dictate whether or not she passes 6th grade science. Wow, really? I mean, it's not rocket science, but when we did the egg drop in school it was just for fun/bragging rights. D.J. has had 20 days to do this project but waited until last minute. That doesn't seem to be very consistent with D.J.'s character who has always been shown to be brainy and studious.

Joey proposes that they incorporate "nature's" most perfect shock absorber, the Twinkie. He stuffs the egg inside the cake-y creamy goodness and drops it on the table and naturally, it smashes. Back to the drawing board, gang.

Danny is continuing to film Michelle and Stephanie tries her hand at singing for her father's love and attention. She sings "I Sing the Songs that Make the Whole World Sing" abysmally. Even UgBaby has to cover her ears. Those Tanner girls are just not vocally gifted. Yikes. Stephanie complains that Michelle thinks she's *so* cute and then laments that she *is* so cute. Whatever to that. She's an ugly ass baby.

Now it's time for one of the awesome imagination sequences. Michelle and the three guys are in the living room and they all whip out their video cameras to capture Michelle blinking. Stephanie comes in dressed in a pink astronaut suit, just back from Mars. The guys barely acknowledge her presence and instead focus their attention on the arrival of D.J. who just returned from the arduous journey to the mailbox. They dress her in a crown and royal cape just for being the firstborn. Stephanie tries levitating around the room for attention and Danny merely asks her to dust the top of the mantle while she's up there. Of course this is met with a "How rude!" from Steph and we journey back to reality.

Harry comes back over with a camera in hand wanting to take a picture of Stephanie with her hula hoop for his scrapbook. Haha, a 6 year old boy that scrapbooks? Stephanie is sad and says that no one cares about her and decides to marry Harry. She's going to be Mrs. Stephanie Takyama and Harry proudly proclaims that he will be Harry Tanner. Hee!

D.J. and the guys meanwhile are testing out their latest egg drop device. They have encased the egg in an elastic suspended Twinkie booty and the egg bounces out of its carrier and smashes in Danny's hands as he enters the living room. Everyone barely takes notice the the large group of children filing through the house to attend a wedding in the backyard. They are too consumed with the egg drop and finally figure out that they need to add a parachute to the device. I scoff and yell "Duh!" at my television, that's the FIRST thing any normal 6th grader would come up with, let alone two grown ass men.

The wedding ceremony has begun in the backyard complete with a kazoo band! The kid conducting the ceremony is pretty cute as he states that they are there to join Stephanie and Harry in "holy mattress money." Rather than a ring, Harry presents Stephanie with a stick-on Scooby Doo tattoo, and both bride and groom are horrified to hear that their marriage is not official until they kiss. Stephanie gives Harry her hand and looks away as he pecks it. Afterwards she boasts that he's "not a bad kisser." Hee! again.

The new and improved egg drop with parachute works and they mention Einstein's theory that success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. D.J. doesn't follow so Jesse breaks it down, "It means if you don't sweat it, you don't get it!" Ding! Something clicked or the guys and they've got their jingle for Sweat World gym... which I thought they called the Sweat Shack earlier... whatever.

Danny comes in, STILL filming Michelle. Is this bordering on creepy for anyone else? Stephanie joins everyone in the living room with Harry and announces their marriage. Her happiness is temporary because Harry has to go home for meatloaf night at the Takyama household. Stephanie cries out, "Nobody wants me!" and finally the family gets a clue that they've been completely neglecting the middle daughter.

Jesse pep talks Stephanie about the perks of being in the middle. He tells her how in a sandwich the best part is found in the middle. When he tries to prompt her about what the best part of an Oreo is, Joey pipes in with the answer like the moron he is. Great Joey, you beat a 6 year old to the answer. Way to go. D.J. says that she's starting to feel depressed about not being in the middle, and finally Stephanie perks up, "I like that!" There are hugs all around and Danny finally duh's that maybe the video would be best if it featured all three of his daughters and didn't display blatant favoritism. Ya think? Stephanie begins hula-ing and singing that godawful song again, but this time the whole family joins in. At least it sounds a little better when someone who can carry a tune joins in.

Friday, November 30, 2007

"Another stupid question!" or Triple Date (2.8)

Danny comes into the house from grocery shopping singing "To All the Girls I've Loved Before" and dancing around. Obviously, he met a woman while he was out. Her name is Denise and he picked her up in produce when she commented that "The broccoli looks fresh today." Danny that suave debonair without missing a beat, seductively replied, "It's a good source of fiber." Mm regular bowel movements yield such romance!

So Danny invited Denise over for dinner that night, but she already had plans for dinner with her two single friends, so Danny volunteered Joey and Jesse for a triple date that evening. Jesse needs a little convincing/begging by Danny, but Joey is obviously desperate for female attention and agrees almost immediately. That poor girl.

Danny hires D.J. to baby-sit her sisters during the date downstairs, and even gets paid for it. Ridiculous! J&J are helping Danny get ready for the date, psyching him up and Danny decides to make the major step of removing his wedding ring. The doorbell rings and it's Denise with her two friends Cheryl (for Jesse) and Zoe (for Joey). Zoe understandably hates Joey immediately. But, she's written with absolutely no sense of humor and I'm pretty much watching this and saying to myself: Damn, Zoe needs to get laid! Jesse comes into the living room and is stunned. Apparently him and Denise dated, broke each other's hearts and she even named her puppy after him. Awk. Ward.

Meanwhile upstairs, Stephanie and Michelle are playing dress-up in Danny's clothes. D.J. comes upon the little Nerdbombers and chastises them for going through Danny's things. They even took his wedding ring to play with. D.J. is incensed and takes the ring from the girls but then knocks it down the sink drain. Smooth move, Deej. Desperate to get the ring back, but afraid to tell her Dad about her monumental fuck up, D.J. tries to jam a tie down the drain with gum on the end. It doesn't work and D.J. realizes that she needs a new plan.

Downstairs, Joey is attemping humor and Zoe is having none of it. Stephanie comes down to provide a diversion to allow D.J. to come retrieve the toolbox. She sings "If You're Happy and You Know It" with the added verse "...cover your eyes!" Mission accomplished!

Now back in the bathroom, The girls use the wrench to detach the pipe in hopes that they can catch the ring when it falls out. Unfortunately, water comes shooting out and the bathroom begins flooding. They try to catch it in bowls and various containers, but the rate of water being shot out is way too much for them to keep up with.

Downstairs, Danny tries to talk to Denise and finds out she's still hung up on Jesse. he goes in for a kiss and ends up cutting his lip on her earring because she turned her head. He goes into the kitchen to tend to his lip and notes that the water pressure weakens and water comes gushing out from the ceiling. Ruh roh. Danny is no longer oblivious and the whole family runs upstairs to the newly added swimming pool. Jesse shuts off the water valve. Danny asks why the hell the bathroom is flooded, and D.J. confessed that it was because she dropped his wedding ring down the drain. Danny gets a funny sort of sad look on his face, and goes to have a chat with D.J.

Denise goes into Jesse's room to talk and he pretty much tells her that he's not going to steal her from Danny because he's crazy about her and it's just not the right time for them. She comments on all of the pink bunnies on the wall, and Jesse says, "Well it started off with 2 and..." he trails off with a seductive smirk. Ooo! Scandalous!

Danny and D.J. talk and it's too boring and cheesy to recap, and everything ends in hugs and happiness. Zoe interrupts to bring Danny his wedding ring. She found it when she went in to clean up the mess, apparently Zoe can't stand a messy bathroom. Danny immediately perks up at this tidbit of information and flirtation ensues. Meanwhile, UgBaby cries out and Joey goes to take care of her with Cheryl in tow. She laughs at all of his voices, and he tells her she's pretty. She actually is pretty, which makes me ask, Why?

The women are getting ready to leave and Cheryl and Zoe kiss Joey and Danny, respectively and tell them to call them. Denise pointedly tells Jesse, "Don't call me." And this is certainly a first! Jesse fake cries about being the only one to end up alone, but we know he's got ladies lined up around the block for a chance to ride his hog. Remember Becky? First in line.

The Day Hell Froze Over, or Joey Gets Tough (2.7)

I skipped over the last episode, "Beach Boy Bingo" because frankly, I was too busy to really pay attention to it. I'll catch it the next time it comes around...

This episode creates mixed feelings in me because for the first time, I'm in agreeance with Joey.

Jesse has an upcoming gig with the Rippers at some local club and to promote it, Danny suggests that Jesse and his band come perform on "Wake Up, San Francisco." Jesse's ecstatic, but Danny warns him that before he can just go on the show, he has to audition for the show's producer. Since both of the guys will be occupied with this, that leaves Joey in charge for the evening.

D.J. and Stephanie are ecstatic because Joey is "a soft touch" (Danny's words, not mine). Tonight Tiffany is performing on television live from Tokyo. The time difference naturally means it's going to be on way late in San Francisco time. They try to play it off as an educational program on Tokyo, but even Joey's not dumb enough to buy that. So, they resort to the bunny nose. It's just what it sounds like. It's not that cute, and I really don't understand the kind of effect that this supposedly has on Joey.

The girls and Joey are dancing around the living room to "I Think We're Alone Now" and it's actually kinda cute. Predictably Danny arrives home and catches them and is not pleased. He scolds Joey for being too much of a softie and the girls for taking advantage.

The next day, Jesse and the Rippers are on the set of "Wake Up, San Francisco" performing "Devil in a Blue Dress" for Danny's producer. They do a great job and book the gig and then Becky suggests that Danny sing with the band. Neither Danny nor Jesse is enthused about this idea but the producers really seems to go for it.

Meanwhile at home, Joey is freaking out. He calls Mrs. Gibbler and asks if she's seen or heard from D.J. No such luck. He hangs up and paces around the room worriedly. Stupid D.J. is wicked late. This show is addressing another peeve of mine, people not calling when they aren't where they are supposed to be. It just makes me worry and it takes what? 30 seconds to pick up the phone? Whenever you are running late people, just call someone who may be worrying about you! This also applies to work because in the past month, 2 people have been fired for not calling when they were going to be late. How hard is it? I swear, people have no work ethic.

Whoops, veered a bit off-topic there. So Joey is panicked and just then, D.J. waltzes in like nothing's amiss. Brat. Apparently she stayed late at karate class to work on some moves for the upcoming tournament that weekend. Still? No call? Wouldn't the instructor even suggest that all the kids call their parents since class is running over? Stupid stupid stupid. Naturally, Joey doesn't buy the whole, "I forgot" line and flips out. He grounds her and tells her that she can't attend her karate tournament. D.J. counters with the classic, "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my father!" and threatens to have Danny overturn the punishment when he gets home.

Down on "Wake Up, San Francisco," Danny is forced to perform with the Rippers. And frankly, I love every minute of it (although once again, the timeline of the show manages to boggle my mind again). Danny's singing "Proud Mary" complete with ridiculous choreography and it's a masterful performance. D.J. surprises him and complains about Joey's punishment.

Back at home, the family does the classic family meeting with a talking stick, schtick. A huge fight breaks out during the meeting and the whole talking stick concept is abandoned. Disgrace. Finally Joey goes to talk to D.J. about her punishment and she understands that if she'd done the same thing to Danny, she knows her ass would be in the same position. Joey finally concedes that although she's still punished, D.J. can still participate in her karate tournament. D.J. tells him that he's going to be a great dad someday (pff, not likely) and when he asks if it's because she got what she want, she says, "No, because you're fair." CHEESE!

"I almost feel like hugging you... Almost" or Jingle Hell (2.5)

This is a pretty racy episode title. It actually has "hell" in it! This does not seem very FH-ish.

Jesse is in his room attempting to write a jingle for Fred's Tire Town. He's singing some sort of bizarre ballad, and I know he's just trying to free-flow to come up with an idea, but seriously? A ballad as a jingle? Stephanie comes in with Harry the token Asian friend, whom Stephanie introduces as the one who "sits near the crayons." Jesse congratulates him on his superb geographical location and is so desperate for a song idea, he lets Stephanie try her hand at it. Apparently she wrote a positively divine poem about milk that made Harry crave a cookie.

Stephanie's jingle is essentially: "It's a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very nice place!" Not exactly what we'd call a winner. Jesse kicks the kids out of his room, only to have Joey barge right in. Joey starts spouting off some surf dude speak and utters the magic phrase, "It's totally radial, dude!" Jesse tosses him out, but his little catch phrase is sticking.

In the girls' room, Stephanie and Harry are playing and D.J. comes in from karate practice. She threatens to judo chop Stephanie to which the younger sister retorts "You're just jealous that I have a boyfriend." Haaa. I love how Harry calls Stephanie "Chief."

The next day, a triumphant Jesse returns home after selling his Fred's Tire Town jingle. Because Joey served as the inspiration, Jesse very graciously gives Joey half of the money. They decide that they make a great team and to go into advertising business together, "like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." Joey foolishly asks, "Can I be Butch?" Jesse: "Not in that shirt." Bwah! Another fugly Hawaiian shirt shot down!

Now the guys are working on a jingle for a national campaign for Kitty Krispies cat treats. Gaa! No! Bad! Joey, in an attempt to what I can only assume is be more butch, is now wearing a rugby shirt. Losers like that can not wear rugby shirts! Rugby is awesome! And what's worse, he's wearing my number (for those interested, it's 5). Ugh, I am forever tainted by this moment in television history.

Stephanie is in the kitchen eating popsicles with Harry. These popsicles were D.J.'s that she was saving for her and Kimmy and she even labeled them with her name. Man, Stephanie is really sucking hardcore this episode. Why is she being such a brat?

Since this episode is all about commercials and jingles, I just saw a commercial that perplexes me. Has anyone seen the AirWick commercial with the elephant housewife, talking about the mess made by her centipede husband? Can anyone explain to me the logistics of an elephant-centipede romance? It's positively mind-boggling!

Joey wants to dress in a cat costume for the presentation, Jesse puts the kibosh on that idea. When they go in to make their presentation, Joey surprises Jesse with cat puppets. I'm pretty sure that the back-up singing cats were Pound Purries (c) the feline equivalent to the popular 80s toy, Pound Puppies (c). I used to love those toys even though they were kind of fug. Anyway, it's a really cute presentation, but they obviously make the advertising suits look like they have NO sense of humor and aren't enjoying what's actually a pretty cute, clever and entertaining commercial.

Joey and Jesse come home angry and fighting about the presentation, meanwhile D.J. and Stephanie are arguing about Stephanie's brattiness, and the arguments mirror one another. You would think this would make J&J realize how childish they sound, but naturally it doesn't. Finally, in the girls' room the bell of urine sounds and UgMichelle emerges from the bathroom clutching a newspaper, having her first successful moment on the potty. Everyone laughs, and the floodgates to apologies and resolved issues open. All is well in the Tanner household because Michelle tinkled.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

"This will make Cathy Santoni shut up about her stupid moped!" or D.J.'s Very First Horse (2.4)

The Tanners are going country this week! Jesse is in a stable with UgBaby and they're playing with a baby chick. I used to go to a fair every fall growing up and picking up the baby farm animals was one of my favorite things to do. Baby chicks are so adorable. Too bad Michelle had to ugly up this scene. Becky, meanwhile, is snapping pictures of them because she totally wants what's in Jesse's pants. She's just busy being all coy and prudish. Whoops, veered off-topic there.

D.J. and Kimmy are also in the stables, petting a pretty brown horse named Rocket. Apparently Rocket's for sale and the cost of food and stable fee breaks down to $100 every other week. Wow, that seems really inexpensive. I mean, I know it's a ton of money to an 11 year old, but wow.

Ah and now the point of why everyone's there in the first place. Danny and Becky are shooting "Wake Up San Francisco" on the farm. Danny's supposed to milk a goat. Clearly, hilarity will ensue.

D.J. and Kimmy think it would be totally rad to own their own horse, way cooler than say, Cathy Santoni's moped. Once they determine that they can't get the money from their parents, they plan to dip into their savings and shopping funds, respectively, to pay for the horse. D.J. theorizes that if they manage to take care of the horse without incident for 2 weeks, then their parents will have to let them keep the horse.

The next 2 weeks are glossed over with a montage of D.J. riding and taking care of Rocket to a cheddariffic cover of "Good Day Sunshine." It's time for the girls to pay up for Rocket and Kimmy shows up at the stable dressed in a brand new cowgirl outfit. Ruh roh. Somebody finked out on ya, Deej. Kimmy just can't resist shopping. Silly Gibbler. D.J. confesses that she can't afford to keep Rocket, but asks to take him for one last ride. The foolish old man trusts this conniving child and foolishly asks what harm is there in one last ride. Oh just you wait, Old Fooly McFooled.

Stephanie's hanging out with her token Asian friend Harry. She makes him her specialty, cheese donuts. I myself used to indulge in the cheese donut in my youth. For those unfamiliar, it consists of partially folding the cheese slice and biting a hole into the center. Now, although I enjoyed them once upon a time (last week), the thought of someone else biting into my cheese is positively nauseating. They go into the living room where D.J. is standing with Rocket. Since she couldn't afford to keep him in the stable she brought him home, and unfortunately he followed her into the living room.

Jesse comes into the kitchen and picks up one of the cheese donuts. Ick! Again! Jesse then happens upon the horse in the living room and calls for back-up from Joey. The guys try to help D.J. out and when Danny arrives home, try to lead him into the kitchen with his eyes covered. He catches a whiff of Rocket and asks Joey if he's making his special chili again. Ha! and, Ew!

Just as he's almost in the kitchen, Danny opens his eyes and turns around. His eyes bug out and his expression is priceless. He immediately turns and bursts back into the living room. Obviously he loses it and tells D.J. that he isn't sure that he can ever trust her again. He makes her return Rocket and the stable owner asks if she'd like to meet Rocket's new owner.

"We've already met." It's none other than Becky! Apparently being on the farm for the show made Becky realize how much she missed Nebraska, so she decided to buy Rocket and says D.J. can ride him anytime she'd like. Too bad that much like D.J.'s guitar playing, we'll never hear about Rocket again, until both music and horse plot lines are recycled later on in the season on the younger Tanner girls. Good day, Sunshine.