Wednesday, January 30, 2008

"Whoa, whoa whoa. Your beef's with me, not the King!" or Misadventures in Babysitting (3.14)

D.J.'s on the phone with (who else?) Kimmy Gibbler discussing that two of their classmates kissed for a whopping 12 seconds and hijinks and hilarity ensued when their braces stuck together. Man, that would be such a nightmare. Thankfully for me, when I was in my braces stages, I also had glasses and was a bit of a fatass. In short, I was fug and nobody would be making out with me for a few more years (Thank you contact/braces removal/growth spurt/weight loss). Now I'm a bona fide make-out bandit.

Um, anywho, while D.J.'s having her epic conversation, Stephanie, Danny and Joey are all waiting for the phone.

Jesse and Becky are planning a picnic to celebrate the 1 year anniversary from the day they met. Lots of shmoopiness ensues, "Oh, every day's a picnic with you." I have to point out Jesse's fashion violation. He's wearing a white mock turtleneck, and let's be honest here. NO straight man can pull off a mock turtleneck. And to top it off, he's accessorized with a peace symbol medallion necklace.

Kimmy enters through the front door still talking on the phone to D.J. They are talking to each other on the phone while standing in the same room. Finally, Danny puts an end to this madness. D.J. agrees to pick up Kimmy's baby-sitting job for that night in order to earn some money to pay for her own private phone line.

Jesse and Joey's poker game is being moved to the Tanner's and Danny wants in to play. Sounds like a reasonable enough request considering those mooches live in his house. Was it ever established if they pay any sort of rent or any of the utilities. They fucking should. Stephanie gets stuck with the arduous task of putting UgTot to bed. Poor Stephanie. She attempts to do so by suggesting they play Sleeping Beauty. More like Sleeping UGLY! Zing!

Danny's all decked out in his slovenly poker attire, picked straight from the dirty hamper. Nice. The other poker players are pretty nasty, smoking up a storm and sticking their dirty smokey fingers into the dip. I find this pretty unbelievable because even all of the smokers I know won't smoke inside their own house, let alone a complete stranger's who doesn't smoke. That's some fucked up lack of etiquette there. Jesse's trip to Nebraska comes up and all of the guys jeer and browbeat Jesse into calling Jesse and telling Becky that there's no way he's going to Nebraska. He does so on her answering machine, and a triumphant man cheer erupts from the poker table.

D.J. is baby-sitting Brian, the uberbrat from Stephanie's class. He starts screaming and wants to play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I want to hit him. Very hard. On the backside. And the frontside. He threatens to drop D.J.'s purse in the fish tank but recoils in fear as soon as Kimmy Gibbler comes to pay D.J. a visit. Kimmy threatens him with a kiss and he runs away only to return with a nerf gun and gets his head stuck in the railing for his troubles. In the immortal words of Nelson, "Haw Haw." D.J. and Kimmy attempt to free him by copiously buttering his bratty head. It doesn't work so they glop more butter on for the fun of it. Totally something I would do, but I also happen to have an extremely low tolerance for children (particulaly those of the bratty persuasion).

Back at the Tanner's the poker game is in full filthy swing. The human chimney runs out of cigarettes and Danny is relieved. That relief is temporary however as Smokey the Bear pulls out some cigars. Michelle the brat won't go to bed and comes downstairs and for some reason, the normally anal retentive Danny doesn't say shit about the fact that his young children are in a room clouded with smoke. WTF? I mean, even most easygoing people wouldn't be down with that. He gets a phone call from D.J. who needs his help with Brian and leaves.

Becky comes in all in a furious tizzy over Jesse's message on the machine and to settle the dispute over where to spend Christmas, they play a poker hand for it. If Becky wins, Nebraska. If Jesse wins, Graceland. Before they can reveal their hands, Jesse proposes a compromise: Nebraska for Christmas and Graceland for New Year's. Out of curiousity they then reveal the cards they had. Jesse had only a 3 high and Becky had a 2. Heh. We all know Jesse only suggested that because he thought he was going to lose.

At Brian's, Danny is sawing Bri's head out of the railing. He pauses mid-saw to tell D.J. how proud he is of her for being responsible enough to call for help. He gets Brian out just as his hippy parents are arriving home. They aren't really phased by the large amount of butter on their son's head and when Brian tells them that D.J. is his favorite sitter, they offer her a job for next week. D.J.'s about to decline until they offer to double the rates. Sold!

Danny grants D.J. her own phone line with the stipulation that she can only keep it so long as she can pay for it. The maiden phone call is already coming in, who can it be? It's... Walter. Apparently Stephanie gave the number out to her friends in case of emergencies. She sprawls on her bed to engage in a lengthy conversation as D.J. stews over being back to square one even with her own personal line.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

"Lemme tell you something about your pal Shakespeare: anyone who makes men dress like women is where I draw the line!" or No More Mr. Dumb Guy (3.13)

D.J. and Stephanie are doing Michelle's hair and comment that it was much easier when she was a baby and bald. Don't forget how much more pleasant it was when she couldn't speak! I mean, we were always offended by her face, but now we have to endure the crap she spews from her bratty little mouth. Ug puts a wig on her head and calls herself a movie star and Stephanie refers to her as "Zsa Zsa." Please don't encourage her, Steph.

On WUSF, their guest is Cynthia Ryan, the coordinator for the Festival of Cultural Arts. Danny's got the hots for her and whilst trying to flirt he kicks a glass of juice, spilling it all over her. Smooth, Dan. Real smooth. He manages to ask her to be his date to the festival amidst all of the bumbling. As the show wraps, Jesse shows up at the studio in a Cincinnati Reds hat and is all greased up, presumably from working on some car or motorcycle. He doesn't want to go to the Festival of Cultural Arts because it sounds boring and I wholeheartedly agree. This is coming from someone who was an Illustration major in college too. Bo. Ring.

At the house, Joey is cooking spaghetti for dinner and tries to class it up by putting on a faux Italian accent. No one's fooled, Gladstone. D.J. and Stephanie begin playing a game of telephone, communicating insults towards one another through Michelle. Jesse passes through the kitchen carrying a full armload of books to study up and broaden his cultural horizons.

It's the evening of the Festival and Danny brings Cynthia to the Tanner home prior to the gala. There, Michelle recycles some of D.J. and Stephanie's verbal barbs by calling Cynthia a "Cheesehead" and Danny "Chicken Legs." I'm almost amused by you, UgTot. Almost. Danny is less than thrilled than Michelle's new habit of hurling insults, and tells D.J. and Stephanie to fix this situation by the time he gets home.

Jesse is in his room listening to opera and studying various works of art and literature in a desperate cram session to make himself more educated and refined. But, it's not all stuffy boring classics, he's also making time to read "Is that you Big Guy?: Sightings of Elvis." Out of all of the books he listed, that's definitely the one I'm most interested in reading. Becky comes in and asks if he's ready to go and Jesse feigns a fever. Becky's content to leave him behind because her douchey former professor Eric Trent is there to escort her. They depart and Jesse astutely picks up on Eric's mondo douche vibes and decides that he will go to the Festival after all. Joey gives him a crash course in pseudo-intellectualism.

Joey explains to Jesse that the people who are going to be at the party are the equivalent of "Jeopardy!" whereas Jesse is more of a "Price is Right" kind of guy. Joey gives him some conversational snippets and pointers for hanging with the pompous brainiacs and sends him on the way.

At the gala, Danny accidentally dumps some caviar onto Cynthia's head and carefully picks it off like a chimp picking lice out of another chimp's scalp. Yuck. The party looks so incredibly boring, and Jesse shows up to crash. I can't help but notice that Jesse's hair is dangerously approaching mullet territory and he is in desperate need of a trim.

Jesse tries to fit in with all of the snobs calling "Citizen Kane" the greatest film ever made and says that he finds Picasso "interesting, but terribly overrated." This sends Professor Snooty into a self-righteous tizzy but again, I'm on Jesse's side through and through. As an art student who had to sit through hours and hours of art history, I can't stand like 90% of Picasso's shit and do find him terribly overrated. That's just me.

Becky acts like Jesse is being a complete embarrassment and completely ignores the fact that Prof. Trent is being a complete and total bag of douche. Jesse vows to settle their pissing contest the best way he knows: an arm wrestling match. The classical band playing at the party begins providing background music to this epic struggle, and Danny, because he's awesome, starts whooping and cheering for Jesse. That is, until he's met with death looks from the rest of the party-goers who have zero sense of humor and then he says that arm wrestling is "barbaric." Jesse defeats Eric and celebrates his victory. Becky is less than impressed, and tells Jesse he was being a jerk and leaves the party in a huff.

Stephanie and D.J. are trying to break Michelle of her insult-hurling habit and to be nice. It appears to take and then Michelle wanders into Jesse's bedroom to cheer him up the only way an UgTot can cheer up her creepy Uncle. I am momentarily distracted from their inappropriate relationship when Michelle says "I love you too, Cheesehead."

Becky is in her apartment and goes to the window when she hears something below. It's Jesse, serenading her with a song he wrote that night as an apology. Becky comes down and tells him that despite never going to college, he still accomplished a lot with his life and she still thinks that he's smart. And so ends another one of the myriad of fights that plague the tumultuous Jesse and Becky romance.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

R.I.P. Heath Ledger, April 4, 1979-January 22, 2008

Mondo sadness. Reports are just coming in that Heath Ledger, another one of my teenage crushes and another phenomenally talented actor was found dead in his New York apartment this afternoon. And this comes a week after the death of Brad Renfro, I fear that this is coming in three's and worry about which other incredibly gifted heartthrob actor will be next... R.I.P. Heath, you were an amazing actor and will be sorely missed.

"I just got this manly feeling and frankly, I liked it!" or The Greatest Birthday on Earth (3.10)

Unloading groceries in the kitchen, they make mention of Captain Hook Peanut Butter and I can't help but assume this is a rip-off of Peter Pan Peanut Butter, and they just didn't want to do a product placement. One of the girls comments on having to break down and try the peanut butter and I'm baffled. It's just peanut butter for fucks sake, it's not like it's herring snacks. I used to eat spoonfuls of peanut butter from the jar, so I may be biased.

Hanging off of the counter in the kitchen is a countdown to Michelle's 3rd birthday, which they'll be celebrating with a circus party. Jesse, who happens to be harboring a hatred/fear of clowns, asks Michelle if perhaps she'd prefer an Elvis-themed party. UgTot says "No thank you, big Daddy."

Stephanie recites a poem she wrote for school about potty-training Comet and it's awesome. I wish I wasn't so lazy and transcribed said poem here, but trust, it was amazing.

The family's discussing the circus party, apparently D.J. will be acting as the lion tamer with Comet acting as said ferocious beast and Stephanie's going to be a juggler.

Suddenly, before you can say "UgTot" it's Michelle's birthday. Jesse blows up 100 balloons and I think he probably should have invested in a helium tank. There's a horrifying clown cake that our least favorite brat claws into. Danny comes in and tells Jesse that his car's making some old man noises and Jesse volunteers to take a look at it and bring it to the mechanic. Joey meanwhile, demonstrates the maturity of a 3 year old as he begins digging into the cake with his hands. He feigns ignorance and says that he thought that's how the cake was supposed to be enjoyed. Moron.

Jesse is at the garage with Michelle and Stephanie. The mechanic tells Jesse that he should get his money back from whoever fiddled with his idle because it led to greater problems for the car. Naturally, it was Jesse who tampered with Danny's idle, so way to go Jess-man. The mechanic, Elmer, fixed it up and makes a horrible pun about going to "See Esther/Siesta" and I'm not even going to re-tell it here, because you'll all lose brain cells, and I'd die a little inside. Jesse takes the girls to use the bathroom and when they get out, it turns out that Elmer didn't realize they were in the bathroom (you would think that the fact that their car was still there and they were nowhere in sight would be a good indicator of this, but such is FH) and locks the garage.

Jesse, Stephanie and Michelle emerge from their respective restrooms (Men's, women's and Trolls') and are horrified when they realize they're trapped in the garage. Cue UgTot's pouty big watery eyed sad face as she laments, "No happy birthday to me." I laugh and tell her to shut her porky mouth.

Meanwhile, back at the Tanner household, the party is in full swing. D.J. sings "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and some awesome kid picks up a bowl of popcorn and dumps it over his head. This child it my hero. Danny and Joey enter as clowns, Clean-o and JoJo. A young attractive woman enters through the back door and reveals herself as Karen Roberts, the aunt of one of the little boys, and it's Karen the dance teacher Danny dates and also the actress who played Becky's sister Connie. This chick must have been friends with someone in the cast or crew to be recycled in two distinct roles.

Danny has received a huge surge of confidence from his clown suit and is a smooth operator, putting the moves on Karen. At the garage, Jesse and the girls are still trapped inside waiting on Elmer, whom Jesse refers to as "Goober." Michelle's still being all emo, so Jesse and Stephanie plan to throw her a garage circus to salvage her birthday.

Back at the house, Danny is still flirting up a storm with Karen. Him and Joey then engage in a clown battle that includes Danny dumping popcorn and fruit punch down Joey's pants. Joey cries out that there's a party in his pants, and I instantly think of Steve Carrell in "Anchorman."

Brick: "I would like to extend to you an invitatian to the pants party."
Veronica: "Excuse me?"
Brick: "The party. The pants-- with the pants. Party with pants?"
Veronica: "Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and I'm invited?"
Brick: "That's it."

The doorbell rings and it's an elephant at the door. Apparently this was Joey's surprise for the party. The elephant reaches it's trunk into no (wo)man's land, A.K.A. down Joey's pants, and snags his underwear.

At the garage the Circus of Love (or Grease, whichever) is going on. Jesse and Stephanie decorate themselves with grease as clown make-up and Stephanie, A.K.A. Stephabelle the clown, and Jesse put on a bitching fourth-rate circus that includes tightrope walking across a ladder, a puppet show and Stephanie manages to successfully juggle. They present UgTot with a birthday cake comprised of Twinkies sitting atop an air filter box and finally, Elmer returns. He utilizes the classic "h-e-double hockey sticks" when he asks what the hell is going on?

Sprung from the garage, Jesse returns the girls home but the party is already over. Danny is miffed that he wasted what was most likely a shit ton of money putting on a circus for the neighborhood kids, but he softens when he realizes that Jesse overcame his hatred for clowns in order to put on a circus for Michelle. They did manage to maintain one element of the circus for Michelle, as they lead her to the backyard where the elephant is still kicking it. And I hate Michelle a little more for how spoiled she is.

Man, aside from a few funny lines, this episode really bit the big one. I probably could have skipped over it, and no one would have missed it. If I'm feeling adventurous, I might write up a second blog for the day to compensate for this sack o' crap.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Scott Baio is 28... and guest starring on "Full House" or Dr. Dare Rides Again (3.9)

Danny and Becky are preparing to go cover fashion week in Los Angeles, leaving the girls in the care of Jesse & Joey. It is inevitable that hijinks will ensue. Joey is already off to a great start making incredibly gross looking messy ice cream sundaes. Stephanie feeds Michelle's to Comet (Ha!) which unfortunately leads to UgTot's ever so "hilarious" mispronounciation of "owce cweam."

The doorbell rings and Joey leaves to answer it. The studio audience (or at least the sound machine that plays the audience noises) goes wild when the door is opened and the 1980s stud of studs Scott Baio is standing there. He asks for Jesse and Joey tells him that he's in the kitchen "with the girls." Joey leads him to the kitchen where Uncle J is leading the girls in a rousing rendition of "The Farmer in the Dell." Obviously these weren't the kind of girls Scott had in mind. He joins in the sing-along and thoroughly busts on Jess for this display. Jesse is ecstatic to be reunited with his good pal of yore, Pete Bianco, and explains how they met fighting over a set of twins until they realized that duh, there were two of them.

Pete just returned from Europe and is in town to relive the glory days. He refers to Jesse as Dr. Dare, a nickname he received for never turning down a dare. Pete challenges Jesse to keep up with him for 2 days. Cut to the two guys going hog wild with a sing-along of "Louie Louie" in Jesse's room. They don't even know the words aside from the chorus, and I totally scoff at the notion that they're legit musicians. I mean, I don't know the words per say, but if I was a musician and was planning to sing it, you can bet your ass I'd google that shit first. The music obviously wakes the girls up and we're "treated" to an UgTot dance.

Jesse tells Joey that him and Pete are riding up to Lake Tahoe, but to not worry because they'll be back for the party they're throwing. There's a dumb scene in which they persuade Michelle to forgive Comet the puppy for eating her "owce cweam." Ugh. If only he ate her face. After that boring transitionary scene, the party kicks off at the Tanner's. Danny and Pete go back and forth boring all of the party-goers with tales of their youthful indiscretions. A 90s-Hot (not to be confused with actually hot, just a chick who was probably considered hot for this particular time era) blonde is in attendance and Joey tries to hit on her until she reveals herself as Donna, Jesse's old girlfriend.

The guys' old band, "Feedback" is back together for one night only, and I recognize the drummer as one of the guys reincarnated in The Rippers. They begin singing "Shout" and Baio's lip-synching the deep bass voice part is painfully obvious. Like, put a little effort into creating the illusion there, Scotty. Joey somehow convinces everyone in the party to partake in some ridiculously idiotic dance moves, including "The Alligator." Stephanie is horrified and asks D.J. if she's ever seen anything like this dance before. D.J. awesomely quips, "Once, when a bee flew into Dad's shorts."

Jesse begins dancing with Donna a bit and wouldn't you know that Becky and Danny choose that exact moment to walk into the house. Whoops! Becky is obviously PISSED, and her and Danny are rocking some seriously dated Fashionista makeovers. Somehow they managed to slick back Bob Saget's not very longish hair into a greasy ponytail. He asks the girls what they think of their "new rad, bad Dad." No comment. Becky and Danny volunteer to put the girls to bed, and Becky suggests that Jesse say goodnight to Donna.

Pete then pulls out a videotape of Jesse playing out one of his Dr. Dare fantasies by riding a motorcyle along the edge of a building. Does anyone else find it a little weird that Pete's just carrying around a home movie of his friend? Just me then? Pete engages in a little good-natured ribbing, but it gets Jesse's panties in a twist and he leaves to go recreate his stunt flogged by his groupies. Becky comes downstairs and Joey fills her in on what happened and they go to stop him.

On top of the roof, Becky manages to talk Jesse out of the stunt and her, Joey and Pete all take turns hitting Jesse on the arm for being a total dumbass. It's at this point, after Jesse nearly kills himself attempting another stunt, that Pete tells Jesse that he's more sensible now and that he has a good thing going now, and he loves him even if he's more Dr. Seuss than Dr. Dare. He affectionately refers to him as a "Dirtbucket Filthball" and it's adios to Pete Bianco, Jesse's "best friend" who will never be heard from again.

Back at the house, Jesse is in his bedroom and D.J. enters to talk to him. Christ, what time of night is it that she's still up? She tells him that she's glad he didn't go through with his crazy stunt and says that sometimes, "it takes more courage to say no." Jesse, that self-indulgent ego-maniac, asks where D.J. learned such sage advice, knowing full well that he was the one who told her. She says goodnight and leaves Jesse alone in his room where he plays a rocking guitar riff and smirks to himself that he's still got it.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

"A lot of tough talk coming from the coverboy of 'Geek Illustrated!'" or Divorce Court (3.8)

Can you believe it? Back to back FH recaps!!! I've been slacking, I'll admit. Between work, applying to new jobs because I am so fed up with my current one, fighting colds, playing softball (and subsequently possibly fracturing my foot), the NFL Playoffs (GO PATS! 2 AWAY FROM PERFECTION!!!), trying to spend time with my boyfriend, tutoring my BFF in math and occasionally boozing with my friends, the FH blog didn't get the attention it deserved, but I'm back with a vengeance.

Anywho, I know I'd been neglecting my FH, but after an kickass comment left by Michelle yesterday, I feel totally inspired to get my ass into gear. I know I've been slacking and a big reason is because sometimes I feel like nobody's reading. Hint hint, feed my ego and I'll provide you with more blog entries! Also thanks to the linkage provided by NeonSpandex, whose blog is also linked on the left hand side.

Okay, okay, okay. I know nobody comes here for my self indulgent ramblings, so without further adieu, Divorce Court.

Stephanie is playing in her room with Walter (formerly known as "Duck Lips") and Jimmy (Dirty!). Jimmy wants to play a shoot 'em up game and Walter professes that he is a lover not a fighter (Double Dirty!) and make the Duck Lips kissy face. D.J. enters their room flanked by Kimmy and Monica, the rarely seen token black friend. Stephanie is crushed to learn that D.J. is going to be blowing off the school's Halloween carnival in favor of Cathy Santoni's Halloween party. Man, if there were ever a FH drinking game, I think any mention of Cathy Santoni should be a full beer/drink chug, and any appearance should be to kill a 6-pack or something.

D.J. tries to kick Stephanie out of the room so that the girls can talk about boys, and Stephanie leaves boasting "While you're talking about it, I'm living it!" Touche. Danny and Joey are in the backyard playing football with UgTot and they do a celebratory TD dance that I have dubbed the "UgTot Shuffle." Michelle sits down as the dance continues and Jesse comes out wondering if maybe their underwear is on a little too tight.

The guys laugh at Jesse because he didn't play sports when he was in school and was in the glee club. But, um, he's a professional singer now so is that really anything to mock? I don't see Joey goaltending for the NHL or Danny doing jump balls in the NBA. Just saying, at least one of them had real talent that they didn't squander and actually parlayed into a career. The guys decide to have a race to determine who's the manliest man, and are interrupted by the girls having a screaming fight. Their friends are sent home and the girls are sent to their room.

The guys decide to make their race a little more interesting by making a wager. The losers of the race have to wear the winner's choice of costume to the school Halloween carnival. 3 hours have elapsed and the girls are still being punished in their room so D.J. proposes a fake make-up and even go so far as to stage a fake hug for Danny.

Stephanie moves out of their shared room into Michelle's room, but before she leaves, seizes half of their assets. This includes half of the phone while D.J.'s trying to call Kimmy.

Stephanie's now kicking it in her new digs, Michelle's room, and she somehow managed to move her bed in there. Huh? How the eff would she move an entire bed, not only because its heavy, but to maneuver it through a doorway? I'm calling total shenanigans on you, FH! D.J. meanwhile, is rollerblading around her mostly empty room. Uncle Jesse catches wind on the room switch and vows to mention it to Danny when he gets home because he doesn't think he'll approve. When Steph and UgTot try to go to sleep, Michelle hits Stephanie in the head with a stuffed animal. If I did that to my older sister, she'd have hit my ass right back. Stupid Ug and her special treatment.

The next day the guys are prepping for their big race. Danny stretches, Joey does a good air in, bad air out exercise and Jesse eats a jelly roll. Becky shows up to the track with the WUSF camera crew, much to the chagrin of Danny. Danny begs the guys to throw the race so that he doesn't lose on his own show, and Joey says that he's already rented the Big Bird and Snuffalopagus costumes. And so the race begins.

It's hilariously painful to watch as the guys "run" at what can best be described as a snail's pace. Becky tells the viewing audience that what they're watching is not slow-motion, they are actually moving that slowly. Gasping for air, the guys agree to finish the race in a tie until Becky lights a fire under their asses when she calls them turtles. As the guys approach the finish line, they push themselves for the last leg. It's a photo finish and it's Danny Tanner by a nose!

Becky interviews Danny what was his motivation and he reveals it was "fear of public humiliation." The three guys pass out as Becky concludes the WUSF segment: "That's a wrap... and a nap."

The guys come home and Stephanie looks completely rocked from her horrendous night of sharing a room with Michelle. Danny is confused about why Stephanie moved in with Michelle and is horrified when she reveals that the hug he witnessed was fake. They decide to settle this matter with some Tanner Court with Judge Danny presiding. Jesse represents Stephanie and Joey represents D.J.

Right off the bat we know D.J.'s fucked because Joey's incompetent. And as predicted, Jesse acts as a much better attorney. He busts on D.J. for playing Barbies with Stephanie in the past week. Danny's final ruling is that UgTot is still too young for a roommate, and although D.J. and Steph's 5 year age difference feels like a lot now, it won't when they're older. Jesse is upset that a verdict was reached so quickly because he wants to keep playing lawyer. Poor Jesse.

Later that night, Stephanie is getting ready for the school Halloween carnival, dressed up as Batman. D.J. comes into the room dressed as the Joker wearing a mask that must make her face incredibly sweaty. She asks Stephanie why she wanted her to come to the carnival so badly and Steph reveals it's because she idolizes Deej. D.J. can't resist and caves and agrees to go to the carnival with Stephanie and go to her party a little later. She adds that she doesn't want a roommate, but if she's stuck with one, she's glad it's Stephanie. They hug just as Danny walks in and remarks, "Batman hugging the Joker; that's how the movie should have ended."

Michelle comes in dressed as a kitty and we're supposed to think it's cute, but it's not. Jesse and Joey come in dressed as Shirley Temple from the Good Ship Lollipop, and I wonder if drag is appropriate for an elementary school carnival... J&J reveal that the joke's on Danny because even though they have to wear those ridiculous costumes, they're Danny's dates for the evening. They crack a big smile to reveal several blacked out teeth and I laugh imagining Danny escorting the two of them as his dates.

Friday, January 18, 2008

"I'm your Dad, I know everything. And what I don't know, I make up." or And They Call It Puppy Love (3.7)

Stephanie's trying to teach UgDumbTot how to tie her shoes, but because Michelle suffers from terminal stupidity, ends up having to tie her laces for her. Stupid Michelle.

Joey's in the backyard, about to enjoy a delicious sangwich, and Michelle is meanwhile playing with a toy dog that reminds me of the early 90s classic Go Go My Walking Pup! Unh! Yeah! Check that bitches, that's the OG, Original Gangsta Go Go! Michelle makes "Arf! Arf!" noises and I want to punch my TV screen. Danny, meanwhile, is taking Jesse to the DMV to renew his driver's license. Jesse wants to drive himself, but Danny refuses to allow it as his license has expired and we all know that Danny Tanner walks the straight and narrow.

Joey's reading a tabloid with the headline "Psychic Hit by Lightning" and makes the obvious remark that if he were any good, he's have seen that coming. Insert laugh track here. A golden retriever runs up and seizes Joey's sandwich while he's inside and then runs off. Joey comes out and asks Michelle where the sandwich went. She blames it on the dog and he thinks she means her toy, until the golden retriever returns. Joey inspects the tags on the collar and exposits that the dog is a female, named Minnie who has had all of her vaccinations and hails from... OHIO?!?! Man, how the hell does a dog get from Ohio to San Fran? Stephanie comes out and is hella excited about the arrival of the new dog.

Stephanie takes Minnie on a tour of the house and the dog cutely wipes its paws on the welcome mat. Aw. I love dogs. More than people. But not in a scary way. Minnie sets up camp in Uncle Jesse's bed, and D.J. happens upon the newest addition to the Tanner clan. Minnie stands on her hind legs extending her front ones across D.J.'s shoulders, and D.J. proclaims that "She's a Tanner already!" because she loves to hug. They allow Minnie to sleep on Jesse's bed because they figure she must be tired from her journey and D.J. suggests they all nap there together. Weird.

Danny and Jesse come home from the DMV and run into Joey who's getting some water for Minnie. He asks about their day and Jesse reveals that he failed the written test. Haw haw! Jesse is exasperated and says that he drives the freeway and they give any idiot a license. His rant is smartly met with "Not every idiot." ZING!

The girls and Joey all want to keep Minnie, but don't know the best way to approach the subject with Danny. Stephanie suggests that what they've been lacking around the household is the presence of someone from Ohio. Smooth, Steph. Real smooth.

Jesse meanwhile heads up to his room and sees a lump moving underneath the covers of his bed. He thinks that it's Michelle and is not so pleasantly surprised when he discovers it is, in fact, Minnie. He yells and kicks her out of the bed and Minnie takes off to Michelle's room. She knocks over her building blocks and hides under the bed. UgTot outright lies when questioned by Uncle Jesse. Liar! The dog apparently also managed to seize Jesse's leopard print thong. Hee! And, ew.

The girls and Joey are trying to sell Danny on Minnie and then they, and Minnie as well, resort to begging. Jesse encourages Danny to hold his ground and stand strong, and while Danny is concerned about the potential mess and the process of housetraining, but come on Danny, that's a grown ass dog. I'm sure she doesn't piss all over the place. Minnie flops down on the ground, breathing heavily and D.J. the dog whisperer deduces that Minnie is prego. Stephanie is enthused at the prospect of becoming an aunt.

Most of the family begins prepping for the birth and Jesse takes this time to go study for his license exam. His methods include snacks, listening to the radio and drumming on the kitchen sink. D.J. comes in, sees this, and gives him tips for success. Namely, turn off the music, don't eat anything and sit your ass down in a chair with the book.

Danny updates Stephanie on the status of Minnie's owner, who's still unknown. Then Stephanie asks a question that leaves him paralyzed with fear: Where did Minnie's puppies come from? Danny begins babbling and avoids discussing the actual mechanics of "doggy style" by waxing on about Minnie meeting her husband and how is was "love at first sniff." Danny spins a yarn about Minnie's husband being a fire dog named Arnie, yet somehow dodges the bullet about where that deadbeat Arnie is now that he's knocked up poor Minnie.

Minnie, meanwhile, has nested herself in Jesse's bed and the family begins arguing until D.J. shushes them and points out that Minnie is giving birth. Everyone is mesmerized by the beauty and miracle of life and all that shit. Jesse proclaims that it's the most amazing thing to ever happen in his bed, which shatters all of my personal fantasies about John Stamos' sexual prowess. Granted, I don't know how much sexing I'd be doing if I had 3 young nieces all living within earshot. Maybe if I had soundproofed walls and 3 separate locks on my door... or maybe I'd just get a place of my own. Just saying...

Aww puppies. So cute. I want a puppy. Jesse's still a little miffed that Minnie picked his bed to set up shop and frankly, as much as I love dogs, I would too. I mean we're talking puppy placenta.. and do dogs poop when they give birth like humans do? I'm just saying, I'd be in the market for a new mattress and invest in a lot of air fresheners and Febreze to get that stank out. I'm just saying...

Danny's following all of the dogs around with a Dustbuster and trying desperately to suck up all of the fur they left behind. Finally, Minnie's owner, Frank Flood, shows up. They bring in all of the puppies in a puppy parade that melts my cold cold heart... god damn they are cute. Frank thanks the Tanners for their kindness in caring for Minnie and her puppies. Jesse asks if he can drive the girls to visit the puppies... wait, aren't Frank and Minnie from OHIO?? Are you going to trek from San Fran to Ohio on a road trip to see some puppies? Damn, just drive them to the local pet store and save on gas. As a reward for their hospitality, Frank offers the Tanners a puppy to keep.

Danny can't resist the charm of a young puppy and caves and says they can keep one. For an unexplained reason, they leave the decision of selection which puppy to UgTot. Ugh. Why do they insist upon catering to her so fucking much? She's 3! I know it's fiction, but this is why she's such a little snatch when she's older! Naturally, she selects the puppy who has taken a liking to Jesse's bed and ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Comet Tanner.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

R.I.P. Brad Renfro, July 25, 1982-January 15, 2008

I'm taking a pause in all of the "Full House" recaps to mention how saddened I was to hear about the untimely death of a truly gifted actor, the troubled Brad Renfro. Growing up, I was absolutely enamored with him and he was probably one of my biggest childhood crushes. Remarkably talented, unfortunately as he grew older he fell into an addiction to drugs and alcohol and even had a few run-ins with the law. Hopefully his personal woes won't mar the memories of the contributions Renfro made to the cinema, and that he'll be remembered for his great gift. I'll miss you Brad Renfro, it feels like a piece of my childhood died with you.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

"You just hate my spunk!" or Star Search (3.6)

Danny calls the family into the living room to watch an old videotape of his college talk show. It features Danny rocking an awesome 1970s style porn-stache and a fat Joey doing the same hackneyed comedy routine we've come to know and loathe. On the tape we see that Joey gave himself a 10 year deadline to make it in the comedy business. The deadline nearing, Joey pledges to focus on comedy, doing his shtick 24/7 much to the chagrin of the rest of the family.

A few days have passed and Joey's "comedy" is going strong. The entire Tanner clan is sick of it and flees from the room whenever Joey enters. I don't understand what took them this long. Michelle interrupts to announce that she wants to wear her tutu to bed. Thanks for that pointless segue, UgTot. Joey doesn't miss a beat and asks Michelle, the left behind Tanner, if she'd like to hear his Bob Hope impersonation. UgTot runs away screaming "Noooooooooooo!" and for the first time, I'm with you, Michelle.

Joey's all but given up hope and Danny reveals to the rest of the family that he submitted a tape of Joey's comedy act to "Star Search." He wants to keep it secret in case it doesn't work out and everyone looks to blabbermouth Stephanie to keep this news under wraps.

Kimmy Gibbler arrives toting a letter from "Star Search" that was accidentally delivered to the Gibbler household. Danny opens it and rejoices that Joey's going to be on "Star Search." Kimmy asks if he's going to be a Spokesmodel? I laugh at the ridiculousness of this notion. Joey comes home, dejected and with his mind made up that his future in comedy is kaput. His attitude takes a full 180 when Danny tells him that he's going to be on SS. Can I just say that when I was a stupid little kid in elementary school, I remember watching SS in my parents' room on their dinky TV. So lame. Totally fixed. And I never found any of the comedians funny.

Backstage at SS, Joey nervously observes that the past 10 years of his life come down to the next 10 minutes. Michelle, Stephanie and D.J. stalk the show producer singing "Tomorrow" and trying to win a spot on the show. Hilarity? Meanwhile, on with the "comedy." Joey's competition? A cheesy ass, untalented prop comic Steve Oedekerk. I do love his ridicuous t-shirt though. Whoa, I guess Oedy was in "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist" and wrote it. Maybe he's not ALL unfunny.

Time for Joey's act. It's too painful to recap in it's entirety. It involves some crappy impressions of surfers, then surfers playing hockey, and a Jacques Cousteau documentary. Yawn. There's also a bit about Flipper the dolphin's wife having a headache and saying no to Flipper and it's like, seriously? A joke about dolphin sex? He does the Popeye voice and compares his microphone stand to Olive Oyl's body. Man, I can't believe I used to watch SS. Were all the comedians this bad?

The scores are in and it's a tie! They both got perfect scores of 4.00 stars! Fix! FIIIIIXXXXXXXXXX! They go to an audience vote to serve as the tie-breaker via secret ballot. They go to a commercial break and announce that they'll be right back with Star Search '90 and god damn, that makes me feel old. This was so long ago. As they calculate the votes, Joey looks tormented and Steve contemplates where he can get a good burger. Steve just went up about 5 notches in my book. The votes are in and the audience, as enchanted with Mr. Oedekerk's shirt as I am, choose him to remain the reigning comedy champion.

Back in the dressing room, the family tries to console Joey citing that Steve needed 4 arms to beat him. Joey gives himself a pep talk to shut the guys up stating that the deadline he set for himself was arbitrary and that he still managed to get a perfect score on "Star Search". Jesse tells Joey that he's not a failure and that he was happy with his life before he remembered the deadline and says that he's in the same boat with his music career. He tells Joey that if he abandoned his comedy dream, he'd miss it too much. Jesse then turns to Danny for some support and affirmation, and Danny is lost in his tawdry fantasies about the SS Spokesmodel. Bwah. Danny, you horndog.

Joey is now back on the empty "Star Search" stage, alone and doing his "Wizard of Oz" routine. UgTot waddles onto the stage and giggles. Joey realizes how much it means to him to make people laugh and gives himself a new deadline. If he doesn't make it in 60 years, he'll give up on comedy forever. Get it? Because he'll be like 90 at this point so it won't matter? Get it?!?! The rest of the family comes out and does this lame "Johnny Vibratto" sing-song telling Joey that they love him. Lame! Give it up, Gladstone!

Saturday, January 5, 2008

"Kiss me, you fools!" or Granny Tanny (3.5)

My deepest apologies for the severe lapse in blogging. But between the holidays, working and a nasty virus circulating around my workplace, I fell way behind on recaps. I'll try to pump out a few this weekend, because I'm off of work the next two days and couch-ridden with an "America's Next Top Model" marathon, so we'll see how things go. Onward with Season 3!

This episode begins with UgTot (TM Ashley, thank you for that genius suggestion!) escaping her crib and crawling into bed with Uncle Jesse. Hmm... the inappropriateness of all of these relationships between these grown ass men and this fugly looking Troll doll. Jesse cries for Danny, yelling "Jailbreak!" Danny is stoked because this means big girl Michelle is ready for her very own big girl bed.

The family goes downstairs just as Granny Tanny's cab is pulling up. Dang, is it just my perception of time or is Granny Tanny arriving hella early? She enters with a cry of "Kiss me, you fools!" and Claire is now portrayed by Doris Roberts of "Everybody Loves Raymond" fame. Ugh. I find everything Ray-related to be extremely annoying, particularly Patricia Heaton and Doris Roberts. UgTot spouts some crap that we're supposed to find cute and I die inside a little.

Grandma sits down on the couch and the girls present her with a gift, a paint set in honor of her retirement from the stationary business. Joey wishes her happy golden years, to which Claire scoffs, "Golden years? Pfft." Wow, Claire, tell us how you really feel. Naturally everyone feels awkward especially the girls who take Claire's attitude to mean she hates their gift. She apologizes and explains that now that she's divorced and her children are grown up and she's retired, her life has gone from "Get up and go" to "Why get up?" God, Debbie Downer much? Way to unload all of your issues on your young granddaughters.

In the kitchen, we're at the end of breakfast where Claire has thoroughly stuffed everyone full of pancakes. Danny tells her that they'll clean and she remarks how nice it felt to be needed. While she runs upstairs, Danny suggests that everyone sit and leave the mess and let Granny T clean it up because she loves taking care of the and he wants her to feel useful and needed. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if when I get old the only thing that gives my life meaning is cleaning up after other people, I think I'll just walk into oncoming traffic. Get a hobby, Claire. Cleaning is not fun.

Stephanie asks if that would be lying to Grandma, because they really can manage around the house without her. Danny claims it's not lying, it's playing make believe. Grandma comes down and remarks how she's never seen Danny let a mess sit for so long. Danny tells her that between all the guys working and taking care of the girls, he just sometimes falls behind on the housekeeping. Grandma is stoked to clean up the breakfast mess and I'm baffled. Danny also mentions to GT that Michelle is in the market for a new big girl bed and suggests that maybe she can help pick one out. GT is stoked because she has the perfect bed in mind. I know she's a grandmother and all, but to have a specific type of child's bed visualized in your mind. Again, get a hobby, Claire.

Later, Grandma is bringing the girls home from the zoo and they boast that it was the "most fun ever." Claire's bed selection is one with bedposts in the shape of pencils, and everyone fawns over her choice as the single greatest children's bed everrr. (It's not.) UgTot seems pretty content with the bed, and GT is pretty pleased with herself and leaves to prepare a dinner of Thanksgiving proportions. Everyone exits except Michelle who is jumping up and down on her new bed. Jesse pops his head back in and catches her, and I say he lets her jump around. Maybe she'll hop off the bed and bust her head open. I'd laugh.

At dinner, Claire loads up Danny's plate with brussel sprouts, a vegetable he loathes and has pretended to love since a young age in order to please his mother. Everyone fawns over Claire some more, about the dinner and the way she maintains the household. But, Danny's plan backfires as soon as GT suggests that maybe she should move in and that Jesse & Joey move out. The girls worriedly ask if the guys are really leaving and they adamantly insist that they're not. GT then suggests that they get bunkbeds. Danny's too much of a pussy to tell Claire to stuff it, and she goes upstairs to get UgTot ready for bed.

The family tells Danny to suck it up and tell Claire that she's not needed, and he stands up and all of the brussel sprouts he had hidden in the napkin in his lap come tumbling to the ground. The guys are tucking Michelle into bed and it appears that Jesse is more overprotective of UgTot than Danny is. He starts suggesting putting up protective railings around the bed, and Danny gently reminds him that she's outgrown a crib and Jesse finally shuts up.

Ug starts yearning for a crib and Jesse tells her the secret of finding the sweet spot in her bed. He ends up staying in bed with her and I'm grossed out. Danny goes to find Joey in the kitchen to further put off his confrontation with his mother. Joey suggests role-playing and awesomely mocks Doris Roberts. Whoa, did I just refer to something Joey did as awesome? Eh, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Plus, I really hate Doris as Claire. She's so annoying. And I hate that whole, "Kiss me, you fools!" shtick.

Finally, it's time for the Danny and Claire showdown. Danny starts off with confessing his hatred for brussel sprouts and finally breaks it to Claire that he wanted her to feel useful, but they don't actually need her to move in. She's angry at him for lying but eventually, the Tanner's dodge the GT bullet, and she's sent on her merry way to not appear in another episode ever again. Joy!