Saturday, February 27, 2016

Fuller House

Oh yes. Finally, the motivation I've needed after a near 4 long hiatus... Full House has been given new life via the reboot "Fuller House" on Netflix. And yes, Virginia, there IS enough wine to fuel a viewing with much bloggery to follow. I assume most everyone who ever read this blog has long since departed, but just in case you haven't, I'm baa-aaack!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Holiday Update

Sorry y'all. Shit's been uber cray cray with the holidays, but I have a slew of FH's stored on my DVR and some half-written drafts written up so I'll try to post a few recaps before Christmas.

Monday, October 15, 2012

"'Am I the Raddest, Baddest Dad you ever had?' 'You were until you said that.'" or Crushed (5.16)

Another episode sans the opening scene? And this time, I know for sure it wasn't some DVR trickey. You're really slacking on me, Season Five.

We open with Jesse and Becky and the twins in the kitchen. Joey comes in and proclaims the twins are his "biggest fans" (try, your ONLY fans, Gladstone). Joey proceeds to torture all of us with his tired ass Bullwinkle routine. The babies laugh, and Jesse and Becky inform Joey to not get too excited because even Jesse blowing his proud Greek nose causes them to crack up.

Because she can't allow anyone to ever do anything that doesn't concern her ever, Ug marches in and states that she can make the twins laugh too. Only she can't.

"Michelle-winkle"? Seriously? Becky and Jesse pretend the twins were just tired, and quickly whisk them away before their entire day is consumed by the Ugly one. She tells Joey she wants to be funny "just like you." ....'Kay. Not going to touch that one. They wander off doing something called a "power laugh" and I feel so bad for anyone who crosses that duo's path.

Stephanie and DJ come down and Stephanie is begging her father to let her ditch school because 1. It's her birthday, and 2. Some tween heartthrob named Tommy Page is guesting on WUSF and she wants to meet him. Steph lays the guilt trip on pretty thick, but Danny is firm in his refusal, but later reveals to DJ he's already lined Tommy up to make a guest appearance at Stephanie's party and sing to her.

Fast forward to Stephanie's party. Lots of young girls are dancing and Uncle Jesse saunters through the crowd inappropriately thrusting behind them. Kinda squicky. DJ Joey Badstone is spinning the jams. Stephanie notices that none of the boys are dancing and enlists resident perv Uncle Jesse to get them to dance. They refuse, so Jesse suggests ladies' choice, and naturally they all rush to him. He shoves them off, but you know deep down, if Becky wasn't there, he'd have been all over that.

C&C Music Factory is pumping and Steph busts into some sick choreography. Hey, remember when Steph wanted to be a dancer? Neither does anyone else, because by Season Five this shit was almost entirely the Michelle show. Speaking of that UgSnot, she's trying (and failing (that's two fails only 5 minutes into the show!)) to follow suit and ends up just messing up one of the other girl's dancing. You know that girl was pissed. She thought this was going to be her big break, dancing on a major sitcom, and her seamless choreography is fucked up by a bumbling child.

DJ comes in with a ravenous Kimmy who is desperately trying to get her hands on some of that sweet, sweet Tommy Page ass. And really, who can blame her?

"Paintings In My Mind"? Shit's deep, man. A quick Google search tells me that this Tommy Page fellow actually did exist and have a music career. All this time I assumed he was a made up celebrity for the show. Allegedly he had some hit song I've never heard of in 1990 entitled "I'll Be Your Everything."

You're welcome.

Danny attempts to put the fear of God into Kimmy to keep her hands off of Tommy, but everybody knows you can't keep the Gibbler down. DJ gives Joey the signal, he cuts the music and Jesse begins playing the intro to some awful ballad on his keyboard and Tommy Page walks in and begins serenading Steph with a song entitled "Stephanie." All the girls sway in the background and all the guys grumble amongst themselves that they could take this dude in a fight. I gotta say, Tommy has like zero charisma and stage presence.

The song ends and DJ loosens her grip on Kimmy, and she bolts into Tommy's arms. She asks him to sign an autograph that says "To Kimmy, the woman of my dreams" to which Danny snarks that Tommy writes music, "not science fiction." Ouch! A sizzling burn for the Tan-Man!

Jesse embarrasses himself trying to whore out his music to Tommy who could not be less impressed. Ug obviously demands he start working on her song for her upcoming birthday in November. He laughs and tells her she's funny and she informs him she's in "comedy college" and unleashes that gawdawful power laugh on him. Say it with me now, STFU Ug!

DJ introduces herself, and after the shitshow that just transpired, makes a glowing impression. Tommy asks her to show him around the major sights of San Fran. Ruh roh.

Stephanie is in the midst of planning her wedding to Tommy with San Francisco's premier wedding planner, Comet the Golden Retriever. Just then, DJ and Tommy come bursting through the kitchen door, and not seeing Stephanie, gush about the wonderful day they had. Tommy even offers to get her backstage passes to his show tonight and oh, Deej. You're so going to have to put out. He gives her a kiss on the lips and heads downstairs to cut some tracks with Jesse. DJ is elated and Stephanie, still completely unnoticed, runs upstairs, totally distraught and heartbroken. Perhaps it was this moment, when she was spurned by a one-"hit" wonder that set her on a path towards drugs? I never read Jodi Sweetin's autobiography, so I'm not sure, but I like attributing it to Tommy Page.

Joey and Michelle intrude upon Becky & Jesse's attic apartment for Michelle to try her new comedy routine on the twins. Still not funny. She gets a cheap giggle out of the boys by shoving the pie in Joey's face. He chases her out of the room with threats of a "sloppy kiss." Vom.

Stephanie then comes in (boy, does anyone ever knock? Bet they're glad they gave up Becky's place to live in the attic now!) and asks to talk to Becky, woman-to-woman. She asks Becky what she would do if another woman stole Uncle Jesse from her. Becky spouts some BS that that would never happen because they're so in love and committed, but ends with a menacing, "She wouldn't know what hit her." Bwah! I like Becky with an edge. Stephanie marches off to lay waste to DJ "The Scuzz Queen."

Kimmy comes over to continue to stalk Tommy and wants all of DJ's dirty deets on her day with Tommy. Kimmy is uber-jealous, but backs down pretty easily and wishes her well. That's pretty cool. Most girls would probably try and snake him.

Down in the studio, Tommy finishes the song and Jesse tells him how appreciative they are. Tommy admits that he actually wrote the song for his girlfriend, Melanie. What an asshole. If I was his girlfriend, I'd be pissed that he was gallivanting around San Francisco and locking lips with DJ. What a pig. The red light goes off and DJ is down the stairs faster than... um... faster than Kim Kardashian's marriage. She pretends she wasn't staring at the light, but does a poor job covering it.

Stephanie comes down with a box of photos determined to ruin DJ's blossoming romance with Tommy. Some of these pics include DJ with the mumps, her first bath, and baby DJ with a fanny rash. DJ yanks Stephanie by the arm and hauls her out of the basement. The girls bicker in the kitchen over who is Tommy's rightful girlriend and begin chasing each other around the house, with the three men in tow.

The finally pull the girls apart and Stephanie's proof that Tommy was her's is that he signed her CD "Love, Tommy." Joey quickly bursts that bubble by pointing out that Tommy signed his CD "Love, Tommy." And I need to just take a moment and point out that Joey is wearing one of the fugliest sweaters known to man: a red sweater that reads "Tomato Ketch-" that is supposed to mimic a ketchup bottle. Hideous.

Danny lets Steph down gently, and DJ butts in that Stephanie has a little girl crush, but her fling with Tommy is the real deal. Tommy finally emerges from the basement and states that he just wants to be friends with both girls. I really wish DJ called him out for kissing her on the lips, which, I'm sorry, but I still maintain it is so inappropriate for a guy with a girlfriend to do. Tommy then walks out the door and into obscurity.

Stephanie is moping in bed and DJ joins her operating on the notion of misery loves company. DJ says that she'll never steal any of Steph's boyfriends (duh, they'll be 5 years younger, so that would be mad creepy and socially unacceptable for a long time), because men come and go, but sister's are forever. She also demands that Steph turn over all of the embarrassing photos, and she agrees. DJ leaves and Stephanie smiles, turns on her recording of "Stephanie" and curls up with Mr. Bear. I leave you with that rocking tune now, readers. Enjoy.



Jus' sayin'.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

"Right after that, I'm going to wrestle a bobcat with my bare hands!" or Play it Again, Jesse (5.15)

No opener? Or my DVR cut it off. The world may never know. Credits! Aaaand we're off.

Jesse is in the kitchen with the boys, and Becky is sad because she's finally returning her lazy ass to work and will miss them. Danny comes in and is equally bummed because it's the "Wake Up, San Francisco" "Farewell to Vicki" show... as well as the "Welcome Back Becky" show. Ha, Danny hates Becky. Joey comes in and his neck is thrown out so he's stuck staring at the ceiling.

 The girls come downstairs and Stephanie is begging DJ to borrow her clothes. DJ repeatedly refuses, and as soon as she's out the door, Stephanie reveals to Ug that she is wearing DJ's sweater. We all know where this is going. The phone rings and it's the record company. Jesse asks if they loved the song... then did they at least like it? Could they learn to like it? Doesn't sound like a hit, Jess. He compares his music to bleu cheese, which he used to think smelled like sweatsocks, but now he loves it! The record company isn't biting and Jesse hangs up, defeated.

On the set of "WUSF," Danny and Vicki are getting emotional and nearly start making out on camera. The unprofessionalism only starts there, folks. Danny springs on Vicki that the station manager is offering her a job to do the weather, and Vicki springs it on Danny that that would be swell, but she was already offered a news anchor job... in Chicago. Danny is crestfallen and they continue this awkward conversation until Becky walks out on set and says she's just going to go ahead and welcome herself back.

Jesse is at the supermarket shopping for groceries with the boys and girls. Steph and Ug are trying to overload the cart with junk food. Jesse spies some Elvis Peanut Butter. He notices that Nicky dropped a load in his diaper and sticks what appears to be a urinal cake on his ass. Why Jesse is purchasing urinal cakes, I cannot say.

Steph and Michelle stop by a "Funky Franks" food sampling table and ends up squirting mustard all over DJ's sweater. Ug states the obvious, and Steph retorts "Tell me something I don't know." Ug then proceeds to tell her that Steph that dropped her toothbrush in the toilet the day before. Stephanie looks rightfully horrified. I wish she would punch her.

At home, Michelle boasts that she set the table, looking for accolades from Uncle Jesse. Stephanie retrieves DJ's sweater from the dryer and to her dismay, find it has shrunk to a doll's size. DJ and Kimmy come in and Stephanie darts out of the room frantically trying to find a way to fix her mistake. Nobody wants to eat Jesse's dinner and he snits about it, prompting Kimmy to say that he sounds just like her mother, "only more bitter." Bwah! Kimmy Gibbler FTMFW!

 Joey comes in and his neck is still out, but now facing downward. He informs Jesse that Danny & Becky have to work late and he is heading to the chiropractor, so no one will be eating dinner. Jesse sits down to eat with Ug and laments that he needs to do something with his life, because he's not digging this Suzy Homemaker lifestyle.

Jesse is expertly multitasking, rocking the boys in swings while sewing a button onto Mr. Woodchuck. Becky and Danny come in, and Danny is still distraught over Vicki's departure. Jesse tells Becky that the record company turned him down, but he scored a gig with an oldies band in the airport lounge. Becky whines that this is supposed to be their time together. Well, I guess you should have come home in time for dinner then, Beck. Jesse feels emasculated by Becky being the breadwinner, and she insults his stupid macho pride and he shoots back that he has no pride anymore. Shit. He storms off.

In the girls' room, Michelle comes in wearing the shrunken sweater, and DJ notices it is the same one she has... right down to the very same missing button. Stephanie confesses and swears she'll make it up to her. DJ informs her that the sweater actually belongs to Kimmy, and that she'll have to make it up to her. Kimmy states that she's well overdue for a pedicure and begins to peel off her socks prompting Steph and Ug to run screaming out of the room.

At the airport lounge, Jesse is playing with The Diplomats singing "Glow Worm." And might I add that The Diplomats are rocking some seriously fly suit coats. Pastel plaid with black collar/trim. Amazeballs. The family comes in to see Vicki off and Joey almost gets his ass beat by some tough guy who mistakes his stiff neck for a staredown.

Jesse and The Diplomats launch into "As Time Goes By" from Casablanca, which serves as the backdrop for Danny and Vicki's farewell. Vicki offers to take the job in San Francisco, and Danny worries that she will hate him if she gives up her dream for him. Vicki protests, "I could never hate you... I may resent you a little." Bwah! Danny gives Vicki his best Humphrey Bogart, and insists that she get on that plane and they share a passionate kiss. She dashes off but returns immediately. Turns out she has no ticket or luggage. Danny can't believe he has to say goodbye all over again, and Vicki tells him that "We'll always have the terminal lounge."

Becky tells Jesse that he doesn't have to play with The Diplomats, and that he needs to work on his own music. Jesse states that he will continue to work on his music but he needs to take these gigs too. Because whether he makes $1 million or $1, he needs to contribute some money to his family because he's a man. Becky finally gets it and STFU. He hops back on stage to "rock out" with The Diplomats, and I really feel as though these guys were underutilized. They should have kept up this arc for at least 6 episodes, because...  


Jus' sayin'.

Friday, October 12, 2012

"What is it with you kids and Ding-Dongs?" or Sisters in Crime (5.14)

Jesse and Becky are in the kitchen, engaged in a burping contest with the twins in order to escape diaper duty for the remainder of the day. Naturally, it wouldn't be a Full House opening segment without UgTot popping up to butt her nose in. When Jesse tells her they are having a contest to see who burps force, UgTot belches loudly with an "In Your Face" and depart. Charming.

Becky is preparing the twins for a trip to the infamous Aunt Ida's. Joey, Jesse and Danny come out dressed in full hockey gear ready for a day of male bonding via a charity hockey game. The doorbell rings and it's Vicki acting like a cat in heat, salivating over Danny in his manly goalie uniform. Jesse rubs the twins' heads for good luck and tells Becky that if their hair doesn't start growing soon "I'm buying them matching baby toupees." Womp womp.

With all the adults on their way out the door, we learn that poor DJ sacrificed her Saturday night to baby-sit Stephanie and Ug because Hunka-Hunk Steve never called. Danny's parting words to DJ include making sure Stephanie finishes her book report and keeping Ug inside because the princess has the sniffles. So you know Deej is going to fail on both accounts- Sitcom foreshadowing!

In the kitchen, Stephanie is trying to play the role of the dutiful good daughter and is hard at work on her book report. Unfortunately for her, she has an Ug sniffling her bratty boogers in her ear. Oh Ug, how I loathe you... let me count the ways. Back in the living room, the doorbell rings and it's none other than "I was the voice of Aladdin" Steve. Turns out he wasn't blowing DJ off, but sent a note through some of her friends to ask her out. It's called a telephone, Steve. Ever heard of it? Steve wants to go to the movies, and DJ is about to drop her panties and run out the door, but she remembers her baby-sitting duties. Desperate for a piece of that Steve sandwich, DJ suggests that she just bring her "adorable" sisters along. I'm sure Steve is thrilled.

 DJ rushes into the kitchen to tell Steph and Ug to put on their coats because they are going to the movies. Ug snots back that she isn't allowed to leave the house because "Dad said." Oh sure, the one time Michelle actually listens and wants to follow the rules is at the expense of her sister's love life. DJ tries to sell Steve's appeal on her sisters: "You don't get it. The hottest guy in the junior class is in our living room. He has his own car. And he can grow a mustache in less than a month." Steve offers DJ an out, because he knows he won't be feeling up on any of that Tanner tittay in the back row of the theater with the chillens present.

 Stephanie and Michelle are thoroughly unimpressed with Steve. Steph demands to see his driver's license and Ug challenges him, "Let's see you grow a mustache." Steve tries to hurry them along because Thunder Raceway starts in a half hour. Methanie, I mean Stephanie, has to be a total buzzkill and refuses to see the movie because it's PG and she lacks parental guidance. Turns out the only G movie playing is something called The Littlest Sea Lion, which delights both Ug and Steph. Man, Steve must be really hard up, because he agrees to see The Littlest Sea Lion stating, "Hey it's alright. Hopefully, we won't even be watching the movie." Which, ew. Really dude? In front of her little sisters? Maybe we should call you Skeeve.

At the theater, Meth and Ug blew through all of DJ's money on a smorgasbord of movie snacks, rendering DJ unable to purchase tickets. Steve only has money for himself and DJ and wonders if they should just forget about their date. DJ is desperate for a piece of that skeevy Aladdin action, so she finds Kimmy, who is an usher in the theater (convenient!) and she agrees to sneak the little rugrats in. Stephanie of course can't just walk into the theater and leave well enough alone, she has to interrogate Kimmy and DJ for her stubs. I don't know why Steve didn't just give her his and DJ's stubs, but instead, Kimmy makes up some story that they were the millionth customers and won a free movie pass.

In the theater, DJ separates herself from the brats so she can get all up on Steve. The theater manager comes up and asks for their stubs because lately they've had incidents of kids theater hopping. Ah theater hopping, a former favorite past time of mine. I remember when Gladiator came out, I was only 15 so my friend and I bought tickets to some G rated cartoon and we snuck in so we could enjoy Russell Crowe in all of his muscular, hot, sexy, bloody goodness. Uh, but I digress.

Kimmy sees this all go down and alerts DJ who is throat deep on Steve's face that her sisters were busted. DJ is of course only worried about herself and what will happen if they call her Dad. Kimmy is concerned about losing her job and hopes that they won't rat her out. Cut to Stephanie in the manager's office, spelling out Gibbler to ensure that she's fired. Although she's normally my fave, I've got to say that Stephanie is kind of a shit in this episode.

 The manager is baffled as to why Kimmy would tell them they were the one millionth customers, when the theater has only been open a week. Stephanie says that Kimmy is a nutcase. All of a sudden, DJ bursts in to save the day. She tells the manager that Stephanie and Michelle, aka "Snake" and "Sniffles," have been running this scam all over town, sneaking into various G rated movies. She defends Kimmy's innocence and assures the manager that the girls will be dealt with.

At home, DJ is convincing Ug and Steph to tell Danny some "fiblets" regarding their afternoon. She tells them that the key to a fiblet is details. I beg to differ, Deej. Throwing in too many unnecessary details always screams bullshit. She tells Stephanie to say that she spent all day on her book report, enjoying a diagonally cut bologna sandwich, chocolate milk and a Ho-Ho for lunch. Stephanie requests a Ding-Dong as opposed to a Ho-Ho. DJ tells Michelle to say that they played Candy Land and Ug won. Ug would also like a fictitious Ding-Dong. When DJ tries to review the day's events, Ug reverts back to the truth. Stephanie rightly assesses that they are so busted.

Danny, Jesse and Joey come in squabbling about their less than stellar hockey performance. Turns out Jesse can't skate, and Danny couldn't stop a puck to save his life. Danny was consumed by the filth among his goal and spent more time cleaning than defending, and Jesse ended up scoring the winning goal... for the other team. Jesse tells Joey that him and his mullet take the game too seriously. They begin arguing throwing around such awesome names as "Dippity Do Head", "Elmer Fudd Face" and "Mop and Glow." Bwah.

Becky comes home with the twins who are covered in lip stick marks from their visit to Aunt Ida's. She chastises the guys, comparing them to chimps at the zoo. The guys are remorseful for a moment, and then resume their pissing contest by seeing who can do the most push-ups. God, just whip 'em out already, guys.

Danny comes up to the girls' room and Danny fawns over how mature and responsible DJ is. DJ's inner monologue is agonizing over her deceit. Stephanie tells Danny about her day and it sounds so obviously rehearsed that DJ is convinced their busted. But, fortunately for them, Danny must have taken a few too many shots to the head because he buys it. Now it's Ug's turn and she upholds the lie! DJ laments that she turned her sisters into liars, but is comforted that at least they are good liars.

Danny wants to take the girls to the movies as a reward and goes on and on about how wonderful DJ is and how she is getting a raise on her allowance. DJ finally cracks and confesses the whole thing, resulting in all three girls being grounded. "Even me? Your little princess?" Yes, even you, you little shit.

Danny leaves and Steph asks why DJ confessed when they had gotten away with it. DJ asks if she ever hears the voice in her head that tells her she's doing wrong. Steph retorts, "Yeah, but I told it to shut up and listen to you." Michelle is unsurprisingly unfamiliar with the concept of a conscience and thinks it sounds like a nuisance. And is that really a surprise to anyone? Self-centered, amoral and remorseless Ug. So that's why she acts the way she does, she's a sociopath! Mystery solved.

She's Baa-aack!

Yes, it is I, the Milkman, risen from the ashes of an abandoned blog to once more inflict countless hours of Michelle Tanner Torture on myself to recap for the masses. I know it's been just under 2 years since my last update, and if anyone still checks this, I'm sure you were just about to give up on me. If anyone cares to know what I've been doing, in the past two years since I've been neglecting my blog, I've completed my Master's and picked up my life and moved it across the state. I've finally left the stone ages and ponied up for a DVR so it's going to be a lot easier to churn out postings. So for those of you who have hung in there, I thank you. Stay tuned for more Michelle-hating goodies!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

"I wonder if he has an older brother." or Silence is Not Golden (6.17)

Just to preface, this is probably up in my top ten favorite FH episodes of all time (Maybe one day I'll actually assemble this vague list I've made reference to), so it will be hard for me to hate on, but I'm sure I'll find a way.

UgSnot and Denise are watching TV with a Funny Buddy commercial. For only $2 a minute, they can buy a crappy joke that nobody will laugh at. This tedious scene is also accompanied by an extremely annoying laugh from both girls. Denise says she asked her dad for permission to call because she's not a manipulative little shit; on the flip side, UgSnot got "permission" from Danny because she asked him while he was vacuuming. God, she sucks.

At school, Stephanie is talking to the Jennifers, one of which is TOPANGA! God, I FLOVED "Boy Meets World." And I'm talking about Flove with all sincerity, no snark. Brilliant show. Anyway, the girls are interrupted by the class lowlife Charles who makes this snappy assessment: "2 Jennifers and a Stephanie: 3 people, 1 brain, no personality!" Zing! Stephanie shoots right back with "What do you think of the human race?... We'd like an outsider's opinion." Finally their teacher breaks it up, and segues to a writing assignment she just came up with on the spot: finding the best in people. The goal is to interview each other and find the best qualities in one another, and for inspiring the assignment, Stephanie and Charles will be partners.

Back at the house, DJ, Steve and Kimmy are hanging around the kitchen table and Jesse comes in to be his hip Uncle self. Turns out Jesse and Steve both have to read and write a book report on Catcher in the Rye and whine about it. Dude, it's not even that long of a book. Everyone ignores DJ when she tells them to just suck it up and read the damn book and instead opt for the Gibbler method. No, not rent the movie (that IS the Gibbler method, but it's not on video). But the OTHER Gibbler method: each reading half of the book, just like she did with Cathy!Santoni! for their report on Much Ado About Nothing. DJ quips that Cathy read "much ado" while Kimmy read nothing.

Joey comes in with the twins who he just took from the playground. He empties their shoes of all the sand, and says he just doesn't know what it is about sandboxes as he empties his own loafer of a bucketful of sand. Haha get it? Because Joey's just a big kid. Ugh. You suck, Gladstone. To make this scene go from bad to worse, Ug and Denise come in with Funny Buddy's joke of the the day: "What did one penny say to the other? Let's get together and make some sense/cents!" Ugh. I thought I hated puns, but it turns out I hate UgPuns even more!

Steph comes home from school and is venting to Dannny about Charles, "the Obnoxitron." Danny thinks Steph must be exaggerating and he can't be that bad. DJ and Kimmy come in and Steph turns to her eldest sister for advice citing her experience with someone rude and crude. Kim awesomely and confusedly asks, "Deej, do you have a friend I don't know about?!" DJ tells Stephanie that if she just spends some time with and gets to know them, they might not be so bad. Kimmy still doesn't get it and is getting frustrated, "Who IS this person?!" Danny tries to provide an anecdote about a guest he and Becky had on the show, but it turns out that nope, some people are just jerks.

Charles arrives and Stephanie, ever the apple polisher, says it's nice to see him. Charles flatly retorts, "Yeah, wish I felt the same." He steamrolls right ahead and when he sees Danny, "I see where you get your looks" "Thanks." "I didn't say good looks." Bwah! After they leave to go upstairs, Danny relents that maybe there isn't good in everyone, and Becky adds that Charles needs to be taught some manners. Kimmy on the other hand, is salivating and wants to know if he has an older brother. God, I love Kimmy.

For the record, let it be known that badass Charles is rocking a black backpack with what appears to be hot pink piping.

While Stephanie and Charles are getting underway on their assignment, Ug comes in to tell Steph she's in big trouble with Danny for forgetting to take out trash and that he'll deal with her later. And that little brat is relishing in the thought way too much. Go away Ug. Charles' demeanor softens a bit and tells Stephanie to think of something funny because that always helps him when he's getting it. Stephanie isn't getting what "it" is, and Charles clarifies he mmeans getting pounded by his dad. Steph still isn't quite getting it, and asks if he means his dad hits him. Charles refuses to say anything else until they both learn that they have dead mothers in common. Charles admits he gets hit sometimes but its his own fault for ticking his dad off. Turns out last week, ol' Chuck was sporting a black eye from "walking into a door... a door named dad." Steph urges him to tell someone, but he makes her promise to keep his secret. Just then, Charles looks down at his watch and panics when he realizes he's going to be late and didn't phone his dad. He runs off and cue the sappy music as we zoom in on conflicted, pensive Stephanie.

The next day Charles isn't in school, and Stephanie's teacher tells her she'll be getting a new partner because Charles had an accident. Steph is immediately worried and asks her teacher for me details, and learns that he "fell down the stairs." A distressed look washes across Stephanie's face and for a moment it looks as though she's going to tell her teacher about Charles' home life, but backs away to keep her promise.

Becky, DJ, Steve & Kimmy are in the kitchen and UgSnot and Denise come in with more of their lame jokes that no one wants to hear. The teens go so far as to outwardly groan and Becky makes them listen and pretend to laugh. Today's gem? "What's a frog's favorite soda? CROAK-a-cola!" Now I'm groaning. Jesse comes in to go over their respective halves of Catcher in the Rye with Steve. Steve's dingbat synopsis of the entire first half is "Funny man." Lesson learned, next time the guys should read the whole book themselves. Reading half is like stopping eating a pizza after only six slices. Oh Steve, you and your impending heart failure. Jesse relays it's like the time he walked in halfyway through Tootsie, and asked himself "Who is this ugly woman?" Steve, dim as all get out tells him, "Hey you know in Tootsie, that was a guy." It looks like Jesse's brain hurts.

Danny just got the phone bill and it's astronomical due to all the Funny Buddy charges. Knowing what a hack comic Joey is, Danny goes to confront him. Joey is immediately defensive and says every time someone leaves cheese in the hamper it's his fault. I don't even wanna know, Gladstone. Danny retorts, "The gouda was in your pants!" "Oh, like you never left a wedge of cheese in your pants!" Actually, I can proudly say that I haven't, Joey. So Joey may leave cheese in the hamper, but he didn't call no Funny Buddy.

Ug and Denise come in with another joke, "How do you know an elephant's been in your refrigerator?" But oh snap! Danny's got the punchline! "By the footprints in the butter." Okay, that's not even like remotely funny. Danny busts Ug for the calls and when he finds out she knew they cost money but did it anyway (on account of she's soulless) he's pissed. She tries to get off by saying she'll never do it again and tries to dip out, but Danny says sometimes saying your sorry isn't enough. Because Ug just doesn't know when to quit being a little shit, she brats that sometimes it is. Danny sends her up to her room, and says her bedtime will be an hour early all week, no buts.

Ug stomps upstairs angrily and holy shit! Danny actually showed a spine to Princess Michelle, but this one time event was just a means to foil the Charles situation. Ug is running her mouth off about how mean and terrible Danny is, and Stephanie tells her to STFU. They're bickering goes back and forth as they get louder.

Uncle Jesse, finally attempting to read Catcher in the Rye in its entirety, hears the commotion and storms in to break it up, calling the girls Itchy and Scratchy (w00t w00t, "Simpsons" shout-out! How pop culture savvy!). Jesse pretty much says Ug was punished for good reason, and to suck it up. Man, why couldn't all episodes have the adults not taking shit from Michelle like this? Jesse then notices Steph is still worked up about how lucky they are to have a father like Danny because some kids get it much worse. Jesse asks where all of this is coming from, but Stephanie doesn't want to say. Jesse tells her to use common sense and her best judgment. She asks him to keep a secret and he tells her he cant keep it unless he knows what it is. Stephanie laments that that's what she should have told Charles. Finally she caves and tells him about Charles' father, and Jesse is immediately incensed and says they have to report this, or else he's going to go beat Mr. Abuser's ass himself. Stephanie protests, but Jesse explains if they don't say anything they're only helping the abuse happen again, and what will happen to Charles if they don't tell is worse than if they do.

A week later, Charles is still not back in school and Stephanie is concerned. Jesse tells her that he made some calls and found out that Charles was put in foster family. Stephanie angrily lashes out at Jesse, but he shoots that misdirected anger right down because it's not their fault, because they weren't the ones hurting Charles. Stephanie wonders why, if it's not her fault, does she feel so lousy. Jesse sadly tells her it's because it's a lousy situation. He awesomely tells her, "I know how hard it was, but thanks to you, thanks to Stephanie, Charles' father can't hurt him tonight." Aww, I kind of love when the guys are awesome at this parenting stuff.

Steph just can't wrap her brain around why Charles' father was so mean, and Jesse says he can't understand how anyone could hurt their child. I'm not ashamed to say that this whole scene is very touching, and I may or may not be a little verklempt. DJ interrupts this tender moment to tell them that Danny's home and it's time for dinner. Steph goes into the kitchen and gives Danny a big hug and kiss, just because. Danny says he'll take a free hug any time and Jesse looks on shmoopily and its hard for me to really hate on a Steph-centric episode where she once again proves how awesome a kid she is... especially compared to UgSnot.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

"You just humiliated me in front of millions of people.!" "Oh, come on, it was probably only thousands." or Radio Days (6.4)

Yes! We're spared the Michelle-centric opening! I'll take this as a sign that I was meant to return to recapping after a long (LONG ASS) sabbatical. Let's just dive right into the Tanner-y goodness.

Stephanie is sitting at the table working on her homework, a short story, and UgSnot wants to help. Citing her lack of literacy, Stephanie declines the offer, and UgSnot laments that no one ever lets her help which is received with a collection of "Awww"s from the audience. The hell? Steph has written some crap about a potato bug on a leaf, and it's painfully boring, but the point is Danny and Becky tell her to write about something she knows.

Steve and DJ barge in arguing about Steve giving a ride to the infamous CATHY SANTONI! DJ goes on and on about what a skanky dumb bitch Cathy is (apparently she only signed up for shop class because she thought it was taught at the mall (this is apparently Full House's answer to the 'Yo Momma' trend)). Their tiff catches Stephanie's ear and she's got a brand new idea for her short story. Unfortunately, DJ and Steve make up almost immediately in a most yawn-worthy way, and Stephanie is momentarily dismayed... until her meth-loving ass hatches a scheme!

Jesse comes in with his hideous twins, telling everyone that he's got an interview on the radio to promote some charity function at the Smush [sic] Club, and Danny tells him that he hears they might have an opening for a DJ at the station... which is apparently a lifelong dream of Jesse's... which we've never heard of prior to this episode. Joey mentions how his boss is trying to stick him with a co-host for "The Ranger Joe" show to which Danny awesomely replies: "I remember when they stuck me with a co-host." He's immediately met with a death glare from Becky and quickly adds, "...and it turned out great!" Heh, Danny still hates Becky's shrew ass after all these years.

On the set of the enchanted forest, Joey meets Jungle Jenny, his new co-host, who tells him he's wound tighter than an Amish quilt (the Hell?) She hung up some vines and wants to go on a rhino hunt and Joey hates her guts and tells Mr. Stowbridge she's wacked and he can't work with her, but oh-oh! Turns out Jungle Jane is also Mrs. Stowbridge. Gotta love nepotism!

Joey pops by the station to support Jesse for his interview. Joey catches the DJ's eye and she invites him to sit on in the interview. Joey makes a few cracks about Jesse's hair and Elvis obsession and Jesse gets all bent out of shape about it. I must be losing my touch because Joey is almost funny in this bit (saying Jesse voted more times for the new Elvis stamp than he did in the past three elections and also getting Jesse to admit he has a pair of Elvis undies that say "Love me Tender" (which I totes want)). As soon as DJ Julie steps out Jesse goes off and Joey storms off. Julie returns and tells him the phones were ringing off the hook and offers Jesse the gig... but only if Joey is his co-host. Jesse's rocking the "Oh Shit" face on account of he just told Joey to piss off and is going to have to do some major grovelling if he wants to realize this season's lifelong dream.

Jesse goes into Joey's room armed with a hot fudge sundae wanting to talk, and Joey is insulted saying "In case you haven't noticed the height difference, I'm NOT Michelle." But he totally caves and takes the sundae anyway. Then Jesse tries to casually slip in that they offered them a job at the station, and Joey busts him for only being nice and apologizing because he needs him. Because it's none of her business, but she's a nosy little shit, UgSnot invites herself in to help because she's a good helper and tries to force them to hug. J&J resist her efforts and resort to calling each other "Bullwinkle Brain" and "Dippity-Do Head."

Steve thoroughly raids the kitchen before sitting down to study, and when he opens the book finds a letter from "Henry" whom DJ kissed on Macaroni Day. Stephanie is lurking, and we know she planted the note. Danny comes in to read her story, a romantic drama about Cleve and PJ, and PJ's Macaroni day lover, Henry. Steve & DJ are still bickering, and Danny hears mention of a Macaroni Day tryst and shows them the story. Because Steve is too stupid to live, he is in awe of the coincidence between their real life drama and Stephanie's short story. Danny and DJ exchange a look.

To get back and Stephanie, DJ and Steve play up the incident and propose marriage to overcome the jealousy. When they tell Danny, he rejoices and asks what took so long. He tells them to take Stephanie's room, put Michelle into DJ's room and Stephanie can share the towel on the floor of the bathroom with Comet. Stephanie learns a VERY!IMPORTANT!LESSON! about not messing with other people's lives to come up with a story. DJ and Steve joke about getting married for real, but ultimately Steve chooses Danny's corndog (dirty!) over DJ (good call Steve, she's going to become a really annoying, uppity Christian!).

In the enchanted forest, Jungle Jenny and the brats string up Ranger Joe by his feet and abandon him. Joey gives Mr. Stowbridge an ultimatum and gets fired. UgSnot tells Joey how funny it was and he sends her to get him cut down. Suddenly the lights go out and we hear a thump in the darkness. Oh Joey, let's hope you just fell on your head.

Joey comes in bearing Elvis car wax for Jesse, and apologizes for the jokes he told, citing UgSnot for helping him realize that. The hell? Even SHE is confused as to what she did, but that little shit is never one to shy away from taking undeserved credit. J&J verbally fellate one another for far too long, and agree to take the DJ job, and Joey never admits that the only reason he's taking the job is because he just got fired, but whatevs. Joey makes a crack about driving his car through Jesse's hair because he needs a lube job and we end with Jesse chasing Joey around the house playing grab ass. Weird.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Wow. I am terrible.

I can't believe it's been over a year since my last post. I've had an influx in comments lately so I'm going to try to get back into posting ASAP because frankly, I kind of miss it. ABC Family shuffled it's lineup so I'm not even totally sure when FH is being run, but I'll figure it out and want to get back to where I left off and I definitely want to ultimately recap every episode, so thanks to those of you who are still out there reading, for your patience and enthusiasm. I'ma comin' back!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

"Boy, this New Kids on the Block cologne really works!" or Secret Admirer (4.11)

Ugh! One of the most disgusting UgCentric openings ever. UgSnot is sitting at the kitchen table licking all of the cream filling out of Oreos and putting the hollowed and saliva-covered sandwich cookies back in the jar. I've always thought that's one of the most foul things people do. And I shit you not, at the restaurant I used to work at, we used to have Cookie Sundays where we all brought in cookies and milk to make the shift go by easier. And a 23 year old girl who worked there did this very thing! She licked all the cream out and left the cookies in the package... didn't even throw them out. I cussed her out good, let me tell you. So disgusting! Like anyone wants to eat her fucking cookie discards. And she was a grown ass woman who operates on the level of Michelle Tanner. Congratulations, you're going to go far.

Wow Cindy! You're one of the few Danny Tanner girlfriends to make it over the one episode hump. They've apparently been together a month and since she also dry cleans his shorts (and the subsequent skidmarks), she's part of the family. She arrives with Rusty and a homemade apple pie that Rusty already dug into, as he sheepishly tells her, "Sorry Mom, it was a long car ride."

There's a knock on the door and DJ makes a beeline to answer it, yelling to everyone else to stay away. Kimmy explains to Danny, Cindy and Rusty that it's Ricky the paperboy and that DJ looks hungry for love. Ricky's rocking a fierce mullet that rivals season 1 Uncle Jesse. All Danny has is 20 bucks for the $3.50, and DJ tells him to keep the change. Danny tells him to come back with his change, and Ricky thanks DJ for the attempt at stuffing his wallet. He says he'll be back with the change and she says she'll be waiting and calls out "Toodle-loo!" and then rightfully remarks that she's such a geek. Rusty teases DJ about being Mr. and Mrs. Ricky Paperboy smoochy smooch. Danny remarks to Cindy that they're fighting like brother and sister, which makes DJ and Rusty go "Ewww."

Rusty pays UgSnot in nickels to deliver a love letter from "Ricky" to her sister. Only he doesn't specify which sister, and Ug naturally delivers it to the wrong sister, Stephanie, and tells her it's from Rusty. Now it's fun with internal monologue! To make it a little easier to transcribe and read, everyone's inner thoughts are going to be italicized to differentiate from what's being spoken aloud. But first, the contents of the Love Letter:

I've loved you secretly for a long time.
When I see you in the house, my heart burns with passion.
I can't live without your love.
Hot for You.

Stephanie: If anyone finds out I got a love letter from that doofus, I'll die! She jams the letter in a nearby laundry basket when she sees Cindy coming inside. Cindy asks Steph for some pine fresh air freshener to spray in the backyard, per Danny's request. Joey hands Cindy the laundry on account of the fact that she works at a dry cleaner, and adds that there's a note in there "that explains everything." Cindy obviously finds the love letter Stephanie stashed in there and thinks Joey's hot for her, but hides note in a pile of papers on the table when she hears Danny coming in.

Beck comes in with lime Jell-o that has yet to set and Danny asks her to look over some notes for the show, adding he's thinking about "some changes that may affect us both, let me know how you feel." Becky of course finds The Note. If Jesse finds out, he'll kill Danny... hmm I'll have my own show. Just then Jesse comes in and Becky uses her kisses to keep him occupied while she hides the note from him. I know what he likes... and then we hear Jesse's internal response: Ooo I like that. Becky hides the letter in Kimmy's overdue library book. Danny then comes in and demands the proper low sodium pickles, because his entire menu is built around the gherkin. Becky, believing that Danny's trying to get rid of Jesse to get Becky alone, offers to go with Jesse back to the pickle store. Kimmy comes down and overhears they're going to the store and asks Jesse to pick her up an issue of Teen Hunk, and he refuses, for obvious reasons. He then hands Kimmy the book and says there's a little surprise in there for her, and awesomely calls her Kimbo.

Kimmy reads the note. Whoa baby! Jesse's hot for ME? And why not? I'm TWICE the woman Becky is! She awesomely concludes her thought with a hair toss. Michelle comes in and Kimmy tells her, "You better be nice to me kid. If I marry your Uncle Jesse, I'll be your Aunt Kimmy." UgSnot's inner monologue is as superficial as her thoughts spoken aloud. No way Jose! "No way Jose!"

Jesse comes back in to grab Becky's sweater and finds the note under it on the couch where Kimmy left it, and thinks either Danny or Joey sent it to Becky. Ug frustrated by her own stupidity remarks that she needs to learn to read... among many other things. Jesse sends UgSnot to fetch Danny and Joey so he can confront them. I'm going to find out which one of my best friends is a backstabbing weasel! He baits them, asking which one would like to escort Becky to Pickle Town, and Danny immediately offers to go. A-ha! So Danny's the weasel who wants my Webecca... Rebecca! But, then Joey volunteers to go instead, and Jesse has second thoughts. Hm, maybe Joey's the real reasel... weasel.

Joey extends the invitation to the store to Cindy, she panics about going out with the man who's trying to steal her from Danny and refuses. Danny finally puts an end to this stupid argument because Pickle Town delivers. Jesse tells Becky he needs to talk to her, but just then, Kimmy comes down all tarted up to put her seduction on the Jess-man. He tells her to bug off, but she digs it. Good! Pretend you don't like me, Becky will never suspect you wrote me that love letter! She wiggles her eyebrows and bats her eyes, prompting Jesse to remark that it appears she has some gunk in her eye. Kimmy graciously tells Becky she'd like to remain friends "no matter what happens" and Becky is understandably perplexed. Yeah, that's what you say now... wait 'til that rock is on my finger!

Ug is up in her room trying to teach herself to read via Dr Seuss's ABC book. Rusty comes in and asks if she delivered the letter and she tells him she did. He asks what happened, and Ug reports that now "everything is bananas." Rusty coos in delight and pats Ug's head, much to her chagrin. I really need a lock on my door.

In the girls' room, Steph tells DJ about the letter from Rusty. They both ew in disgust. Just then Rusty comes in and Steph runs out, yelling, what else? "How rude!" DJ gives Rusty a talk about love and says she understands he's ready for a girlfriend, but he needs a woman who's older and more mature. Danny calls them down for dinner and DJ tells him to think about what she's said and they'll talk later. Rusty takes this to mean that DJ has fallen for him. She's all over me! That babe is hot for the Rust-man!

Danny suggests they start a "love train" to the backyard and starts singing the song. Joey's lardass is enthused: "Great! I'll be the caboose!" but Becky stops him. He asks, "You wanna be the caboose?" Becky tries to speak hypothetically to Joey about the letter from Danny; "Sometimes a friend becomes so close to another friend that it turns to love. And it wouldn't be so bad if one of those friends wasn't engaged to be married." Joey completely misreads her intentions Holy cow! Becky's in love with me! Just then, Jesse comes in to see them talking and is now convinced that it was Joey who sent the letter. Now i know it's Joey...I'll kill him! Joey nervously looks at the murderous glare on Jesse's face, Thank God he doesn't know, or he'd kill me!

Outside, Becky whispers to Danny that they need to talk about the letter, and she had to get it out in open. Danny reads it Becky's in love with me?... Why do I have to be so darned attractive? Then Jesse comes out and Danny hides the letter under UgSnot's baseball cap. Jesse glares at Danny's sheepish face, I thought it was Joey, but look at that goofy, guilty grin... maybe it's Danny. I'll kill 'em both and sort it out later! Kimmy saved Jesse a seat next to her at the picnic table and once again wiggles the brows. "Kimmy, you gotta do something about that eye of yours."

Cindy tells Joey he has salad dressing on his shirt as means of stalling her confrontation about the letter. Finally she cuts to the chase and tells him, "Sometimes the wrong people fall in love... it's not anybody's fault, it just happens. I don't want Danny to get hurt, so let's try to control our burning passions." Joey is in awe of his affect on all of the women around him. First Becky, and now Cindy? Boy, this New Kids on the Block cologne really works!

Danny rambles about his definition of quality time, and we are treated to everyone's inner monologue (nearly verbatim... I can only write so fast, you know).
[Stephanie] One false move, and Rusty gets a weenie in his ear.
[Rusty] DJ is such a babe.
[DJ] Why is Rusty staring at me? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?
[Danny] What do I do about Becky falling in love with me?
[Becky] Look at Danny, rambling on the outside, burning with passion for me on the inside
[Jesse] Look at these two weasels, one can't stop babbling and the other needs a bib. I'll be doing mankind a favor when I kill 'em!
[Kimmy} Kimmy Katsopolous... that sounds so geeky. I'll make him take my name; Mr. Jesse Gibbler!
[Joey] I don't want Becky and Cindy to fight over me... unless we get some Jell-o
[Cindy] Joey's sweet, but I like Danny. He's such an eloquent speaker.
[Michelle] Boring, boring! Why is my daddy so boring?
[Comet] Gee, I hope somebody drops a hamburger.

UgSnot pulls the love letter out from under her hat and chaos breaks out. Everyone accuses everyone of sending it, except DJ who just wonders "Who are you people and where's my real family?" Everyone bickers until Jesse tells them to stop and asks who actually wrote it. Ug rats Rusty out and he confesses he wrote it to make DJ think it was from Ricky, the mulleted paperboy. They all relax and laugh about it, and Rusty is glad they can take a joke. They all turn their attention to him unamused and Ug says, what else? "You're in big trouble, mister!" and the family chases Rusty all over the house/yard.

Ricky McMullet is back with Danny's change. He not so subtly asks if they're BBQing and as he and DJ stand there, Rusty runs by closely followed by the rest of the family. DJ invites Ricky to sit down and eat, and they dig in. Ricky's glad he came back, as is DJ. Oh, Mylanta! The family runs by, still hot on Rusty's trail.