Ugh! One of the most disgusting UgCentric openings ever. UgSnot is sitting at the kitchen table licking all of the cream filling out of Oreos and putting the hollowed and saliva-covered sandwich cookies back in the jar. I've always thought that's one of the most foul things people do. And I shit you not, at the restaurant I used to work at, we used to have Cookie Sundays where we all brought in cookies and milk to make the shift go by easier. And a 23 year old girl who worked there did this very thing! She licked all the cream out and left the cookies in the package... didn't even throw them out. I cussed her out good, let me tell you. So disgusting! Like anyone wants to eat her fucking cookie discards. And she was a grown ass woman who operates on the level of Michelle Tanner. Congratulations, you're going to go far.
Wow Cindy! You're one of the few Danny Tanner girlfriends to make it over the one episode hump. They've apparently been together a month and since she also dry cleans his shorts (and the subsequent skidmarks), she's part of the family. She arrives with Rusty and a homemade apple pie that Rusty already dug into, as he sheepishly tells her, "Sorry Mom, it was a long car ride."
There's a knock on the door and DJ makes a beeline to answer it, yelling to everyone else to stay away. Kimmy explains to Danny, Cindy and Rusty that it's Ricky the paperboy and that DJ looks hungry for love. Ricky's rocking a fierce mullet that rivals season 1 Uncle Jesse. All Danny has is 20 bucks for the $3.50, and DJ tells him to keep the change. Danny tells him to come back with his change, and Ricky thanks DJ for the attempt at stuffing his wallet. He says he'll be back with the change and she says she'll be waiting and calls out "Toodle-loo!" and then rightfully remarks that she's such a geek. Rusty teases DJ about being Mr. and Mrs. Ricky Paperboy smoochy smooch. Danny remarks to Cindy that they're fighting like brother and sister, which makes DJ and Rusty go "Ewww."
Rusty pays UgSnot in nickels to deliver a love letter from "Ricky" to her sister. Only he doesn't specify which sister, and Ug naturally delivers it to the wrong sister, Stephanie, and tells her it's from Rusty. Now it's fun with internal monologue! To make it a little easier to transcribe and read, everyone's inner thoughts are going to be italicized to differentiate from what's being spoken aloud. But first, the contents of the Love Letter:
I've loved you secretly for a long time.
When I see you in the house, my heart burns with passion.
I can't live without your love.
Signed,
Hot for You.
Stephanie: If anyone finds out I got a love letter from that doofus, I'll die! She jams the letter in a nearby laundry basket when she sees Cindy coming inside. Cindy asks Steph for some pine fresh air freshener to spray in the backyard, per Danny's request. Joey hands Cindy the laundry on account of the fact that she works at a dry cleaner, and adds that there's a note in there "that explains everything." Cindy obviously finds the love letter Stephanie stashed in there and thinks Joey's hot for her, but hides note in a pile of papers on the table when she hears Danny coming in.
Beck comes in with lime Jell-o that has yet to set and Danny asks her to look over some notes for the show, adding he's thinking about "some changes that may affect us both, let me know how you feel." Becky of course finds The Note. If Jesse finds out, he'll kill Danny... hmm I'll have my own show. Just then Jesse comes in and Becky uses her kisses to keep him occupied while she hides the note from him. I know what he likes... and then we hear Jesse's internal response: Ooo I like that. Becky hides the letter in Kimmy's overdue library book. Danny then comes in and demands the proper low sodium pickles, because his entire menu is built around the gherkin. Becky, believing that Danny's trying to get rid of Jesse to get Becky alone, offers to go with Jesse back to the pickle store. Kimmy comes down and overhears they're going to the store and asks Jesse to pick her up an issue of Teen Hunk, and he refuses, for obvious reasons. He then hands Kimmy the book and says there's a little surprise in there for her, and awesomely calls her Kimbo.
Kimmy reads the note. Whoa baby! Jesse's hot for ME? And why not? I'm TWICE the woman Becky is! She awesomely concludes her thought with a hair toss. Michelle comes in and Kimmy tells her, "You better be nice to me kid. If I marry your Uncle Jesse, I'll be your Aunt Kimmy." UgSnot's inner monologue is as superficial as her thoughts spoken aloud. No way Jose! "No way Jose!"
Jesse comes back in to grab Becky's sweater and finds the note under it on the couch where Kimmy left it, and thinks either Danny or Joey sent it to Becky. Ug frustrated by her own stupidity remarks that she needs to learn to read... among many other things. Jesse sends UgSnot to fetch Danny and Joey so he can confront them. I'm going to find out which one of my best friends is a backstabbing weasel! He baits them, asking which one would like to escort Becky to Pickle Town, and Danny immediately offers to go. A-ha! So Danny's the weasel who wants my Webecca... Rebecca! But, then Joey volunteers to go instead, and Jesse has second thoughts. Hm, maybe Joey's the real reasel... weasel.
Joey extends the invitation to the store to Cindy, she panics about going out with the man who's trying to steal her from Danny and refuses. Danny finally puts an end to this stupid argument because Pickle Town delivers. Jesse tells Becky he needs to talk to her, but just then, Kimmy comes down all tarted up to put her seduction on the Jess-man. He tells her to bug off, but she digs it. Good! Pretend you don't like me, Becky will never suspect you wrote me that love letter! She wiggles her eyebrows and bats her eyes, prompting Jesse to remark that it appears she has some gunk in her eye. Kimmy graciously tells Becky she'd like to remain friends "no matter what happens" and Becky is understandably perplexed. Yeah, that's what you say now... wait 'til that rock is on my finger!
Ug is up in her room trying to teach herself to read via Dr Seuss's ABC book. Rusty comes in and asks if she delivered the letter and she tells him she did. He asks what happened, and Ug reports that now "everything is bananas." Rusty coos in delight and pats Ug's head, much to her chagrin. I really need a lock on my door.
In the girls' room, Steph tells DJ about the letter from Rusty. They both ew in disgust. Just then Rusty comes in and Steph runs out, yelling, what else? "How rude!" DJ gives Rusty a talk about love and says she understands he's ready for a girlfriend, but he needs a woman who's older and more mature. Danny calls them down for dinner and DJ tells him to think about what she's said and they'll talk later. Rusty takes this to mean that DJ has fallen for him. She's all over me! That babe is hot for the Rust-man!
Danny suggests they start a "love train" to the backyard and starts singing the song. Joey's lardass is enthused: "Great! I'll be the caboose!" but Becky stops him. He asks, "You wanna be the caboose?" Becky tries to speak hypothetically to Joey about the letter from Danny; "Sometimes a friend becomes so close to another friend that it turns to love. And it wouldn't be so bad if one of those friends wasn't engaged to be married." Joey completely misreads her intentions Holy cow! Becky's in love with me! Just then, Jesse comes in to see them talking and is now convinced that it was Joey who sent the letter. Now i know it's Joey...I'll kill him! Joey nervously looks at the murderous glare on Jesse's face, Thank God he doesn't know, or he'd kill me!
Outside, Becky whispers to Danny that they need to talk about the letter, and she had to get it out in open. Danny reads it Becky's in love with me?... Why do I have to be so darned attractive? Then Jesse comes out and Danny hides the letter under UgSnot's baseball cap. Jesse glares at Danny's sheepish face, I thought it was Joey, but look at that goofy, guilty grin... maybe it's Danny. I'll kill 'em both and sort it out later! Kimmy saved Jesse a seat next to her at the picnic table and once again wiggles the brows. "Kimmy, you gotta do something about that eye of yours."
Cindy tells Joey he has salad dressing on his shirt as means of stalling her confrontation about the letter. Finally she cuts to the chase and tells him, "Sometimes the wrong people fall in love... it's not anybody's fault, it just happens. I don't want Danny to get hurt, so let's try to control our burning passions." Joey is in awe of his affect on all of the women around him. First Becky, and now Cindy? Boy, this New Kids on the Block cologne really works!
Danny rambles about his definition of quality time, and we are treated to everyone's inner monologue (nearly verbatim... I can only write so fast, you know).
[Stephanie] One false move, and Rusty gets a weenie in his ear.
[Rusty] DJ is such a babe.
[DJ] Why is Rusty staring at me? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?
[Danny] What do I do about Becky falling in love with me?
[Becky] Look at Danny, rambling on the outside, burning with passion for me on the inside
[Jesse] Look at these two weasels, one can't stop babbling and the other needs a bib. I'll be doing mankind a favor when I kill 'em!
[Kimmy} Kimmy Katsopolous... that sounds so geeky. I'll make him take my name; Mr. Jesse Gibbler!
[Joey] I don't want Becky and Cindy to fight over me... unless we get some Jell-o
[Cindy] Joey's sweet, but I like Danny. He's such an eloquent speaker.
[Michelle] Boring, boring! Why is my daddy so boring?
[Comet] Gee, I hope somebody drops a hamburger.
UgSnot pulls the love letter out from under her hat and chaos breaks out. Everyone accuses everyone of sending it, except DJ who just wonders "Who are you people and where's my real family?" Everyone bickers until Jesse tells them to stop and asks who actually wrote it. Ug rats Rusty out and he confesses he wrote it to make DJ think it was from Ricky, the mulleted paperboy. They all relax and laugh about it, and Rusty is glad they can take a joke. They all turn their attention to him unamused and Ug says, what else? "You're in big trouble, mister!" and the family chases Rusty all over the house/yard.
Ricky McMullet is back with Danny's change. He not so subtly asks if they're BBQing and as he and DJ stand there, Rusty runs by closely followed by the rest of the family. DJ invites Ricky to sit down and eat, and they dig in. Ricky's glad he came back, as is DJ. Oh, Mylanta! The family runs by, still hot on Rusty's trail.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
John Stamos has got my heart "Twitter"patin'!
**UPDATE** My friend attended the concert and the Stamos DID sing "Forever" so I think it was the real deal! Squeeee!
So, my friend just told me the most awesome story about her Twitter encounter with JOHN STAMOS.
The Beach Boys are playing in Boston so my friend Tweeted him:
@JohnStamos Will you be playing with the beach boys this sat in Boston?! Would LOVE to see you there-maybe a little drumming and "Forever"?
And he (or his assistant) replied!
@FullHouseFan* I'll be there. drumming for sure. might be time to sing forever. we haven't done that in while.about an hour ago
@JohnStamos Awesome! The crowd (esp. the FH Fanatics) will LOVE it!
I'm going to assume it was the real deal Stamos, but even if it wasn't, this is definitely the coolest thing I've seen all week!
Sorry for the delay in the next new 'cap, I've been at school/working from 8am-midnight nearly every night this week. Next week will bring more bloggy goodness.
If you're really bored, you can follow me on Twitter. @eat_the_emu. It's nothing really FH related, and I tend to ignore it for days at a time (haha I guess like this blog...) but it will give you a glimpse into the girl behind the blog.
*For obvious reasons, I changed her Twitter username.
So, my friend just told me the most awesome story about her Twitter encounter with JOHN STAMOS.
The Beach Boys are playing in Boston so my friend Tweeted him:
@JohnStamos Will you be playing with the beach boys this sat in Boston?! Would LOVE to see you there-maybe a little drumming and "Forever"?
And he (or his assistant) replied!
@FullHouseFan* I'll be there. drumming for sure. might be time to sing forever. we haven't done that in while.about an hour ago
@JohnStamos Awesome! The crowd (esp. the FH Fanatics) will LOVE it!
I'm going to assume it was the real deal Stamos, but even if it wasn't, this is definitely the coolest thing I've seen all week!
Sorry for the delay in the next new 'cap, I've been at school/working from 8am-midnight nearly every night this week. Next week will bring more bloggy goodness.
If you're really bored, you can follow me on Twitter. @eat_the_emu. It's nothing really FH related, and I tend to ignore it for days at a time (haha I guess like this blog...) but it will give you a glimpse into the girl behind the blog.
*For obvious reasons, I changed her Twitter username.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
"The little goofball worships me!" or Aftershocks (3.11)
Jesse and Joey are in Jesse's room jamming out wearing dark glasses like some sort of bastardized Blues Brothers. Jesse is playing the ol' six string and Joey is playing the harmonica. I must point out that Joey is also wearing a beret, not that that wardrobe choice should surprise any of you. Just then, who should wander in but UgTot, who demands they play her the teapot song. They oblige with a bluesy version of "I'm a Little Teapot" and Jesse urges Michelle to "shake her little tushy." Please, I beg of you, no more. The Powers that be hear my cry and we thankfully cut to the credits.
Jesse is trying to discover what's clogging the garbage disposal and asks Ug how her toy Gumby got jammed in there. Ug hasn't a clue (of course) and predictably, Joey thanks Jesse for finding his toy. DJ and Kimmy come in, DJ showing off her costume for the school's Christmas pageant. Kimmy has apparently been staying at the Tanner's for the past two days while her house is under repairs. Joey informs her that she can go home, pointing out that she could have actually moved back yesterday but somehow, Mrs. Gibbler forgot to call. J&J are glad to be rid of the Gibbler, and already have her bags packed. UgTot comes running in and throws her arms around Kimmy, begging her to stay one more night. The hell? Kimmy's staying, DJ models her costume which Joey creepily compliments ("If I had a belly that shook like a bowl of jelly, you'd be my kind of woman") and I die a little inside.
Stephanie points out that DJ has a new pimple on her nose and DJ is distraught. Kimmy suggests that DJ switch roles with someone and play Rudolph. Stephanie comments her distress that first there was an earthquake (remember that) and now, Kimmy's staying an extra night. Later that night, Stephanie is awoken by the sounds and vibrations of a garbage truck and panics that it's another earthquake. She shakes DJ awake and DJ and Kimmy tell Stephanie to chill out. Steph goes to Ug's room to make sure she's alright and coerces her into going into Danny's room with her. They climb into bed with Danny.
Kimmy leads DJ down the stairs, because she's sporting the Cousin Itt look with all of her hair brushed forward to cover her face. She even has a pair of sunglasses on top. Joey calls her Benji (I assume he's referring to the courageous and adorable puppy of cinematic fame, which, dumb. Because she totally looks like Cousin Itt) and tells her the zit isn't that bad.
Stephanie comes in, literally clinging to Danny and asking to tag along to work with him and showering him with compliments. Danny says that she has to go to work, but they'll spend time together after work. Joey and Jesse are concerned with Stephanie's sudden increase in fatherly affections and wonder if Danny's noticed how clingy she's being. Danny says there's nothing wrong with a little girl adoring her father and thinks nothing of it.
After school, Stephanie is in a panicked tizzy because Danny isn't home yet. J&J tell her that he's probably stuck in traffic and she yells that they don't know that for sure. Danny comes home, late because of, you guessed it, traffic, and Stephanie hugs him and won't let him go. She wants to play games and accompany him on his business dinner. Danny gently tries to tell her no and Stephanie becomes very upset and cries and begs for him not to leave her. J&J give Danny a total "I told you so" look and finally, Danny gets it. Something's up with Steph.
Up in Danny's room, Danny is playing Barrel of Monkeys with Stephanie and UgTot. To the surprise of no one, Ug is too stupid to grasp the concept of the game, and Danny pulls Stephanie aside for a special one-on-one talk. Danny asks her why she was so upset about him going out, and why she's been clinging to him, and asks if something is bothering her. She insists she's fine and he wonders if that means she won't be spending the night in his room (not like THAT, you pervs!) Stephanie is insistent that nothing is wrong and she returns back to the game.
DJ comes back from the pageant and is relieved to have discovered that everyone has zits. While checking "to see if [her] nose can still stop traffic", she found 10 other girls checking their zits. DJ suggests a game of connect the dots and all the crater faced bitches laughed. DJ says she's okay with having zits, so long as her face clears up before her peers. Jesse congratulates himself on helping DJ through her crisis until Joey reminds him that they didn't actually do anything.
Danny comes down and says that his talk with Stephanie went nowhere and J&J suggest that he bring her to a therapist. Danny is against it because he feels like it's not that serious and bringing her to a stranger shows he can't help his own daughter. Jesse points out that it shows that he loves her enough to get her the help she needs. As a future Mental Health counselor, thanks for the plug, boys!
Danny brings Steph into therapy, and we get a pointless scene of a homely bucktoothed girl, who may or may not be a little slow, telling Stephanie that therapy is fun because you get to miss school. The therapist asks Stephanie to draw a picture of her family and remarks to Danny how verbal she is. Danny babbles on and on about not knowing where she gets it, and the therapist sure as shit knows where it comes from.
While Stephanie draws, Danny dusts the therapist's table and she tells him that we don't always know why we are doing the things we do and asks why he's dusting. Danny confesses that growing up, all the other kids wanted to be astronauts or firemen... he wanted to be a maid. Before the therapist gets to tackle the enigmatic mind of Danny Tanner, Stephanie finishes her drawing. Everything is pretty typical except there's a crack in the house from the earthquake, and Danny is outside the house from the rest of the family because he was late the day of the earthquake. Well, that solves the mystery of Stephanie's clinginess. She was scared that she didn't know where he was.
As a constant neurotic worrier, it's kind of hard for me to snark on Stephanie because I was totally the same way as a kid. To this day, I make my friends call me when they get home safely because otherwise I'll worry. The therapist suggests Danny and Stephanie make a list of ways to help cope with the worry and anxiety of separation and if only therapy was really that simple, and all issues that easily resolved. Notice how we never hear about another earthquake for the duration of the series.
That night the entire family is tucking Stephanie into bed. Danny tells her that if she needs to, her sleeping bag is still in his room. She asks if he's still snoring and Danny says he is, so Stephanie will spend the night in her own room. Jesse laughs about Danny's snoring. The guys remind Steph that they're close by should she need anything and everyone says goodnight. We end with Stephanie asking DJ to untuck her, because she can barely move. I hate when they end episodes on weird unfunny but supposed to be funny bits like that.
Jesse is trying to discover what's clogging the garbage disposal and asks Ug how her toy Gumby got jammed in there. Ug hasn't a clue (of course) and predictably, Joey thanks Jesse for finding his toy. DJ and Kimmy come in, DJ showing off her costume for the school's Christmas pageant. Kimmy has apparently been staying at the Tanner's for the past two days while her house is under repairs. Joey informs her that she can go home, pointing out that she could have actually moved back yesterday but somehow, Mrs. Gibbler forgot to call. J&J are glad to be rid of the Gibbler, and already have her bags packed. UgTot comes running in and throws her arms around Kimmy, begging her to stay one more night. The hell? Kimmy's staying, DJ models her costume which Joey creepily compliments ("If I had a belly that shook like a bowl of jelly, you'd be my kind of woman") and I die a little inside.
Stephanie points out that DJ has a new pimple on her nose and DJ is distraught. Kimmy suggests that DJ switch roles with someone and play Rudolph. Stephanie comments her distress that first there was an earthquake (remember that) and now, Kimmy's staying an extra night. Later that night, Stephanie is awoken by the sounds and vibrations of a garbage truck and panics that it's another earthquake. She shakes DJ awake and DJ and Kimmy tell Stephanie to chill out. Steph goes to Ug's room to make sure she's alright and coerces her into going into Danny's room with her. They climb into bed with Danny.
Kimmy leads DJ down the stairs, because she's sporting the Cousin Itt look with all of her hair brushed forward to cover her face. She even has a pair of sunglasses on top. Joey calls her Benji (I assume he's referring to the courageous and adorable puppy of cinematic fame, which, dumb. Because she totally looks like Cousin Itt) and tells her the zit isn't that bad.
Stephanie comes in, literally clinging to Danny and asking to tag along to work with him and showering him with compliments. Danny says that she has to go to work, but they'll spend time together after work. Joey and Jesse are concerned with Stephanie's sudden increase in fatherly affections and wonder if Danny's noticed how clingy she's being. Danny says there's nothing wrong with a little girl adoring her father and thinks nothing of it.
After school, Stephanie is in a panicked tizzy because Danny isn't home yet. J&J tell her that he's probably stuck in traffic and she yells that they don't know that for sure. Danny comes home, late because of, you guessed it, traffic, and Stephanie hugs him and won't let him go. She wants to play games and accompany him on his business dinner. Danny gently tries to tell her no and Stephanie becomes very upset and cries and begs for him not to leave her. J&J give Danny a total "I told you so" look and finally, Danny gets it. Something's up with Steph.
Up in Danny's room, Danny is playing Barrel of Monkeys with Stephanie and UgTot. To the surprise of no one, Ug is too stupid to grasp the concept of the game, and Danny pulls Stephanie aside for a special one-on-one talk. Danny asks her why she was so upset about him going out, and why she's been clinging to him, and asks if something is bothering her. She insists she's fine and he wonders if that means she won't be spending the night in his room (not like THAT, you pervs!) Stephanie is insistent that nothing is wrong and she returns back to the game.
DJ comes back from the pageant and is relieved to have discovered that everyone has zits. While checking "to see if [her] nose can still stop traffic", she found 10 other girls checking their zits. DJ suggests a game of connect the dots and all the crater faced bitches laughed. DJ says she's okay with having zits, so long as her face clears up before her peers. Jesse congratulates himself on helping DJ through her crisis until Joey reminds him that they didn't actually do anything.
Danny comes down and says that his talk with Stephanie went nowhere and J&J suggest that he bring her to a therapist. Danny is against it because he feels like it's not that serious and bringing her to a stranger shows he can't help his own daughter. Jesse points out that it shows that he loves her enough to get her the help she needs. As a future Mental Health counselor, thanks for the plug, boys!
Danny brings Steph into therapy, and we get a pointless scene of a homely bucktoothed girl, who may or may not be a little slow, telling Stephanie that therapy is fun because you get to miss school. The therapist asks Stephanie to draw a picture of her family and remarks to Danny how verbal she is. Danny babbles on and on about not knowing where she gets it, and the therapist sure as shit knows where it comes from.
While Stephanie draws, Danny dusts the therapist's table and she tells him that we don't always know why we are doing the things we do and asks why he's dusting. Danny confesses that growing up, all the other kids wanted to be astronauts or firemen... he wanted to be a maid. Before the therapist gets to tackle the enigmatic mind of Danny Tanner, Stephanie finishes her drawing. Everything is pretty typical except there's a crack in the house from the earthquake, and Danny is outside the house from the rest of the family because he was late the day of the earthquake. Well, that solves the mystery of Stephanie's clinginess. She was scared that she didn't know where he was.
As a constant neurotic worrier, it's kind of hard for me to snark on Stephanie because I was totally the same way as a kid. To this day, I make my friends call me when they get home safely because otherwise I'll worry. The therapist suggests Danny and Stephanie make a list of ways to help cope with the worry and anxiety of separation and if only therapy was really that simple, and all issues that easily resolved. Notice how we never hear about another earthquake for the duration of the series.
That night the entire family is tucking Stephanie into bed. Danny tells her that if she needs to, her sleeping bag is still in his room. She asks if he's still snoring and Danny says he is, so Stephanie will spend the night in her own room. Jesse laughs about Danny's snoring. The guys remind Steph that they're close by should she need anything and everyone says goodnight. We end with Stephanie asking DJ to untuck her, because she can barely move. I hate when they end episodes on weird unfunny but supposed to be funny bits like that.
Friday, July 10, 2009
The Prodigal Blogger Returns...
Okay so I've slacked. A lot. Like a Kimmy Gibbler amount of slackery. But I have reasons. Some of them are even decent.
I was fired from my job of 2+ years the day after Christmas. Found a new job despite the economy so whew there. But, money was still tight so I got a second job. Plus, I'm back in school pursuing my Master's, so between work and school, I had little time for blogging.
But, I'm back. I probably won't update with quite the frequency I once had, but I plan on making a conscious effort to try to get back on some sort of regular schedule.
So, if any of you actually still check this thing, thanks. And stay tuned for more Full House-y goodness. There's still many more episodes I've yet to 'cap! (That's short for recap!)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wishing You and Yours a Very Tanner Christmas!
Sorry for the use of an Ug picture... and it's one from the books and not the show... but it DOES imply she's having a shitty Christmas, so I felt it was apropos.
If for Christmas you wanted a new blog entry... well, you're screwed. But, feel free to check out Episode 2.9 "Our Very First Christmas Show" to get yourself into the holiday spirit. If you haven't read it, it's new to you!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Oh. My. GOD!!!
"John Stamos must be hard up for a paycheck, because he's working on a remake of Full House. Candace Cameron Bure, who played DJ Tanner, told OK! Magazine (via SFGate), "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House. I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women.""
This would be like my greatest dream/nightmare come to fruition!!! Can you imagine the snarky goodness that would come from such a colossal trainwreck?!??!
Source.
Also:
1.kimmy gibbler: When you refuse to leave after you have a one night stand, even when they ask you nicely.
"Last night I met some whore at the bar....we came back to my place and she gave me the Kimmy Gibbler....she fucked the hell out of me and then refused to go home when I asked her nicely."
Source.
All this AND my boss is fired for embezzling?! What a crazy weekend!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
"I'm guessing you didn't meet him in a library." or DJ's Choice (8.12)
We open with Steph an DJ in the kitchen and Steph thanks DJ for letting her tag along to street fair. DJ reminds her nachos and tilt-a-whirl don't mix. Steph laments her ruined sweater from the year before and wistfully remembers how much she loved it. Just then, they are joined by Kimmy and Nelson. Stephanie goes up to Nelson and administers a vision test and asks how he, with his trillions of dollars can be dating Kimmy Gibbler. I say, how can he NOT?!!? I love the Gib! Kimmy says she was hoping for more than dating, she was hoping for marriage. Ah, Kimmy, you lovable irreverent gold digger!
DJ tells Nelson and Kimmy that they just need to wait for Viper to arrive before they can leave for the fair. Nelson, obviously still feeling the burn of being rejected by DJ, comments that with a name like Viper, she most likely didn't meet him in the library. DJ quickly changes the subject to the fact that Kimmy is the reigning street fair pie eating champion. She decides she needs to warm up her chops and luckily finds an entire pineapple cheesecake in the Tanners' fridge. She clasps her hands behind her back and dives in. Oo, Danny is NOT going to be pleased about that.
DJ goes into the living room as Viper storms in, ranting and rambling up a storm about how things with DJ are moving too fast for him and freaking him out and he breaks up with her. Just like that. And then he leaves. DJ looks all forlorn as Nelson walks in, raving about Kimmy's pie skills (maybe now that he's seen the Gibbler gobble, he might be reconsidering not dating her?) He cuts himself off when he notices that DJ is visibly upset. She tells him that Viper just broke up with her and she never saw it coming. She says that if this was how bad it hurt Nelson when she broke up with him, then she's sorry. Nelson tells her that eventually the pain goes away... but then is replaced by a big empty hollow feeling. Comforting.
Ugh, and naturally, we need to have the obligatory Ug storyline thrust upon us. Danny and Becky are taking Ug and the BlunderTwins Nicky and Alex to the local playground. My, that trio is quite the goof troop, aren't they? Turns out, the playground has been trashed by some hilariously tame vandals who have graffiti'd such diabolical messages as "SOS", "Crazy" and "JoJaxx." Whoa now, how they gonna bring the JoJaxx into this? This is a FAMILY playground. I feel scandalized. Michelle's painful dramatic acting is showcased as she shows her distress by asking Danny if they can go home.
Back at the house, Danny calls to report the vandalism, but unfortunately, there's a wave of it all over San Francisco, so it might be awhile before they get to this rinky dink playground. Apparently, the crew's still at work removing some "Disco sucks" tags downtown... ah, that joke was probably lost on every child watching this ep. Ug and Jesse have a really disgusting conversation regarding "pumping." She says the twins need to learn to pump, and Jesse reiterates the need for all kids to have a place to learn pumping. They're talking about pumping your legs on a swing, but shortening it to simply "pumping" just screams all kinds of wrong. Ew. The guys and Becky decide that they're going to assemble a group of volunteers to clean up the playground for the kids. How do they have time for this shit? Don't they have jobs?
Nelson and the girls return from the street fair. Kimmy is livid that she was disqualified from the pie eating contest or swallowing a fork. Bwah! I don't really see how that's grounds for a DQ, how does swallowing a fork give her an advantage? If anything, I would have automatically declared her the winner. Again, I am an unabashed and avid Kimmy Gibbler fan fo' life, yo! Stephanie won a goldfish and Nelson apparently had to shell out $700 to win DJ a stupid stuffed monkey. Loser. Listen to that whip crack! Nelson blows more smoke up her ass, saying that Viper's a moron for dumping her. She says he's sweet, he says she's pretty, blah blah blah, and they end up kissing. They're not sure what just happened between then, but Nelson proposes dinner Saturday for them to discuss their status. As Nelson suavely backs away, he trips and falls over a tricycle. Bwah! Best moment of the episode right there.
DJ is prepping for her 3rd consecutive date with Nelson, talking about it with Steph when who should come a-knocking on the door, but Viper. He walks in, all manic and rambling again, that he's been walking around like a madman the past 3 days regretting his decision to break up with her. He offers her a single red rose and begs DJ to take him back. Just then, Nelson comes in with a full bouquet of roses, demanding to know what's going on. Viper says he's there to win DJ back and Nelson reminds her that Viper just broke her heart. DJ looks constipated, and confused, and ultimately leaves with Nelson, leaving Viper fuming with Stephanie standing by awkwardly.
Viper stands there pissed wondering what DJ could possibly see in Nelson. He vows to Stephanie that he won't roll over for Richie Rich. Stephanie's just like "Uhhh, okay dude." Seriously man, take the hint and get to stepping. Later that evening, Nelson is dropping off a clearly distracted DJ off at home. Clearly she's preoccupied about the Nelson v. Viper situation. Nelson kisses her goodnight and she walks in to find Viper, STILL THERE, sitting on the couch with a guitar singing a song he wrote for her. They just let him stay there the whole time? How long has it been? Why didn't they kick his ass out?
The song's pretty tight though, and I would totes cream my jeans for Viper at this point, despite his sorta Jheri curl. They run to each other and kiss and who should walk in at that very moment? Why, none other than Nelson, bearing the bouquet of roses DJ accidentally left behind in his limo. Ouch. DJ quickly breaks away from Viper and tells Nelson that it isn't what it looks like. Nelson awesomely quips, "Thank God. It looks like you were kissing." I know Nelson's kinda dweeby, uber short with a mullet, but damn, he's hilarious.
The guys bicker back and forth. Nelson says Viper's a heartbreaker and Viper retorts that Nelson preyed upon DJ at a weak moment when she was vulnerable. DJ can see the points in both of their arguments, but is still too confuzzled and tells them that she needs time to think.
Ugh, back to our annoying Uggerriffic subplot. The whole fam plus some other extras are all pitching in. Joey grabs a hammer that is quickly snatched away by Jesse. Apparently this hammer has been passed down through his family from generation to generation, and he doesn't want Joey anywhere near it. Danny is wandering around clueless about construction so Jesse acts as foreman. This is all really really boring. Joey is also doing nothing but staring through the liquid part of a level until Jesse hits him in the head with something and tells him to get to work. Joey turns on a power saw, and like who's the fucking genius who thought Joey Gladstone was capable of operating heavy machinery? Naturally he manages to saw through Jesse's family hammer, and zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz...
Danny has assembled a see saw that Kimmy and Steph are testing out. Apparently this teeter totter will teeter, but not totter. Kimmy is on the end of the see saw on the ground, and Steph is hanging in the hair. The whole family joins together to push Steph's side down and when they do they send Kimmy flying into a tree. Although this scene merited a small chuckle from me, I hate how the later seasons of FH relied on lame physical gags like this.
Just when this scene can't get any more tedious, Viper and Nelson arrive to pounce on DJ and demand a decision. Nelson pipes up first that he may lack the talent to write and perform a song to tell DJ how he feels, but he has the cash money money to wire the park to play music and hire Frankie Valli to woo her. He begins a serenade of "You're Just Too Good to be True" and awww, this makes me think of Heath Ledger's uber sexy scene in "10 Things I Hate About You." Sadness. Frankie mistakenly begins serenading Becky, until Nelson redirects him towards DJ. Frankie suavely shoves Viper aside.
Viper criticizes Nelson's need to use his money to woo, and Nelson pretty much calls Viper a scumbag and they continue to bicker until DJ FINALLY speaks up and declares she's not a trophy to be fought over and she hates the pressure they're putting on her. If they're going to force her to make a decision, then DJ is going to Kelly Taylor it up and choose herself.
Look, DJ hates Kelly Taylor's slutty ass just as much as the rest of the world. Actually, this episode aired in January 1995, whereas the infamous Kelly-Brandon-Dylan love triangle and resulting "I Choose Me!" aired in May 1995. Meaning that that skank pilfered the line from our very own DJ Tanner and has been getting credit for it in most pop culture references since then. That bitch. You can see DJ's trying to smile, but her face totally reads, "Bitch stole my line!"
DJ is bummed that she let go of two great guys and talks to Becky about it. Becky says that even though Viper and Nelson may both be good guys, but if one of them was truly the right one for DJ, she would have been able to make the decision easily. She wisely advises her to never settle when it comes to dating and matters of the heart, because one day the right man will come. Becky comments how hers did and the camera pans to Jesse playing with Ug and the twins on the swings, and who else but Ug completely ruins the moment by repeatedly yelling, "Pump! Pump! Pump your legs!" Ew. Thanks for scarring me for life, Ug.
DJ tells Nelson and Kimmy that they just need to wait for Viper to arrive before they can leave for the fair. Nelson, obviously still feeling the burn of being rejected by DJ, comments that with a name like Viper, she most likely didn't meet him in the library. DJ quickly changes the subject to the fact that Kimmy is the reigning street fair pie eating champion. She decides she needs to warm up her chops and luckily finds an entire pineapple cheesecake in the Tanners' fridge. She clasps her hands behind her back and dives in. Oo, Danny is NOT going to be pleased about that.
DJ goes into the living room as Viper storms in, ranting and rambling up a storm about how things with DJ are moving too fast for him and freaking him out and he breaks up with her. Just like that. And then he leaves. DJ looks all forlorn as Nelson walks in, raving about Kimmy's pie skills (maybe now that he's seen the Gibbler gobble, he might be reconsidering not dating her?) He cuts himself off when he notices that DJ is visibly upset. She tells him that Viper just broke up with her and she never saw it coming. She says that if this was how bad it hurt Nelson when she broke up with him, then she's sorry. Nelson tells her that eventually the pain goes away... but then is replaced by a big empty hollow feeling. Comforting.
Ugh, and naturally, we need to have the obligatory Ug storyline thrust upon us. Danny and Becky are taking Ug and the BlunderTwins Nicky and Alex to the local playground. My, that trio is quite the goof troop, aren't they? Turns out, the playground has been trashed by some hilariously tame vandals who have graffiti'd such diabolical messages as "SOS", "Crazy" and "JoJaxx." Whoa now, how they gonna bring the JoJaxx into this? This is a FAMILY playground. I feel scandalized. Michelle's painful dramatic acting is showcased as she shows her distress by asking Danny if they can go home.
Back at the house, Danny calls to report the vandalism, but unfortunately, there's a wave of it all over San Francisco, so it might be awhile before they get to this rinky dink playground. Apparently, the crew's still at work removing some "Disco sucks" tags downtown... ah, that joke was probably lost on every child watching this ep. Ug and Jesse have a really disgusting conversation regarding "pumping." She says the twins need to learn to pump, and Jesse reiterates the need for all kids to have a place to learn pumping. They're talking about pumping your legs on a swing, but shortening it to simply "pumping" just screams all kinds of wrong. Ew. The guys and Becky decide that they're going to assemble a group of volunteers to clean up the playground for the kids. How do they have time for this shit? Don't they have jobs?
Nelson and the girls return from the street fair. Kimmy is livid that she was disqualified from the pie eating contest or swallowing a fork. Bwah! I don't really see how that's grounds for a DQ, how does swallowing a fork give her an advantage? If anything, I would have automatically declared her the winner. Again, I am an unabashed and avid Kimmy Gibbler fan fo' life, yo! Stephanie won a goldfish and Nelson apparently had to shell out $700 to win DJ a stupid stuffed monkey. Loser. Listen to that whip crack! Nelson blows more smoke up her ass, saying that Viper's a moron for dumping her. She says he's sweet, he says she's pretty, blah blah blah, and they end up kissing. They're not sure what just happened between then, but Nelson proposes dinner Saturday for them to discuss their status. As Nelson suavely backs away, he trips and falls over a tricycle. Bwah! Best moment of the episode right there.
DJ is prepping for her 3rd consecutive date with Nelson, talking about it with Steph when who should come a-knocking on the door, but Viper. He walks in, all manic and rambling again, that he's been walking around like a madman the past 3 days regretting his decision to break up with her. He offers her a single red rose and begs DJ to take him back. Just then, Nelson comes in with a full bouquet of roses, demanding to know what's going on. Viper says he's there to win DJ back and Nelson reminds her that Viper just broke her heart. DJ looks constipated, and confused, and ultimately leaves with Nelson, leaving Viper fuming with Stephanie standing by awkwardly.
Viper stands there pissed wondering what DJ could possibly see in Nelson. He vows to Stephanie that he won't roll over for Richie Rich. Stephanie's just like "Uhhh, okay dude." Seriously man, take the hint and get to stepping. Later that evening, Nelson is dropping off a clearly distracted DJ off at home. Clearly she's preoccupied about the Nelson v. Viper situation. Nelson kisses her goodnight and she walks in to find Viper, STILL THERE, sitting on the couch with a guitar singing a song he wrote for her. They just let him stay there the whole time? How long has it been? Why didn't they kick his ass out?
The song's pretty tight though, and I would totes cream my jeans for Viper at this point, despite his sorta Jheri curl. They run to each other and kiss and who should walk in at that very moment? Why, none other than Nelson, bearing the bouquet of roses DJ accidentally left behind in his limo. Ouch. DJ quickly breaks away from Viper and tells Nelson that it isn't what it looks like. Nelson awesomely quips, "Thank God. It looks like you were kissing." I know Nelson's kinda dweeby, uber short with a mullet, but damn, he's hilarious.
The guys bicker back and forth. Nelson says Viper's a heartbreaker and Viper retorts that Nelson preyed upon DJ at a weak moment when she was vulnerable. DJ can see the points in both of their arguments, but is still too confuzzled and tells them that she needs time to think.
Ugh, back to our annoying Uggerriffic subplot. The whole fam plus some other extras are all pitching in. Joey grabs a hammer that is quickly snatched away by Jesse. Apparently this hammer has been passed down through his family from generation to generation, and he doesn't want Joey anywhere near it. Danny is wandering around clueless about construction so Jesse acts as foreman. This is all really really boring. Joey is also doing nothing but staring through the liquid part of a level until Jesse hits him in the head with something and tells him to get to work. Joey turns on a power saw, and like who's the fucking genius who thought Joey Gladstone was capable of operating heavy machinery? Naturally he manages to saw through Jesse's family hammer, and zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz...
Danny has assembled a see saw that Kimmy and Steph are testing out. Apparently this teeter totter will teeter, but not totter. Kimmy is on the end of the see saw on the ground, and Steph is hanging in the hair. The whole family joins together to push Steph's side down and when they do they send Kimmy flying into a tree. Although this scene merited a small chuckle from me, I hate how the later seasons of FH relied on lame physical gags like this.
Just when this scene can't get any more tedious, Viper and Nelson arrive to pounce on DJ and demand a decision. Nelson pipes up first that he may lack the talent to write and perform a song to tell DJ how he feels, but he has the cash money money to wire the park to play music and hire Frankie Valli to woo her. He begins a serenade of "You're Just Too Good to be True" and awww, this makes me think of Heath Ledger's uber sexy scene in "10 Things I Hate About You." Sadness. Frankie mistakenly begins serenading Becky, until Nelson redirects him towards DJ. Frankie suavely shoves Viper aside.
Viper criticizes Nelson's need to use his money to woo, and Nelson pretty much calls Viper a scumbag and they continue to bicker until DJ FINALLY speaks up and declares she's not a trophy to be fought over and she hates the pressure they're putting on her. If they're going to force her to make a decision, then DJ is going to Kelly Taylor it up and choose herself.
Look, DJ hates Kelly Taylor's slutty ass just as much as the rest of the world. Actually, this episode aired in January 1995, whereas the infamous Kelly-Brandon-Dylan love triangle and resulting "I Choose Me!" aired in May 1995. Meaning that that skank pilfered the line from our very own DJ Tanner and has been getting credit for it in most pop culture references since then. That bitch. You can see DJ's trying to smile, but her face totally reads, "Bitch stole my line!"
DJ is bummed that she let go of two great guys and talks to Becky about it. Becky says that even though Viper and Nelson may both be good guys, but if one of them was truly the right one for DJ, she would have been able to make the decision easily. She wisely advises her to never settle when it comes to dating and matters of the heart, because one day the right man will come. Becky comments how hers did and the camera pans to Jesse playing with Ug and the twins on the swings, and who else but Ug completely ruins the moment by repeatedly yelling, "Pump! Pump! Pump your legs!" Ew. Thanks for scarring me for life, Ug.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
"You know what would drive me really, Really wild?" "Painting sad clowns on my toenails?" or Kissing Cousins (7.18)
This definitely ranks as one of my top episodes... in fact, one day I'll get around to listing my top ten FH episodes of all time. Or maybe make a poll out of it.
We begin with Danny practicing the moves he's learned from his new self-defense class. He urges Joey to come at him with a banana gun so that he can practice his disarm/disable maneuver. He ends up smashing the banana on Joey. Just then Uncle Jesse arrives back home from Greece. He flew over there for Papouli's funeral and remarks that it was a wonderful celebration of his life. To top things off, Jesse has returned with a surprise for the family.
It's Cousin Stavros! AKA John Stamos at his most hilarious.
It's time to play hug the cousin. Stephanie and DJ remark that Stavros and Jesse look so much alike that they are definitely related. Stavros scoffs citing that his nose is that "of Greek God. That is nose of cock-a-poo." Stavros says he's got to go check into a seedy motel, and Danny insists that Stavros stay with them at Casa de Tanner, ole! Becky comes in with the kids to greet the returning Jesse, and the boys mistakenly run to Stavros and call him Daddy. Stavros comments that the boys get their looks from their beautiful mother. Becky is at first flattered, then wary, "Why thank you.... who are you?" Jesse explains that when he was 11 and spent the summer in Greece, his cousin Stavros took him in and taught him everything he knows about the birds and the bees, etc. Stavros pipes in that it was actually goats and weasels, and Becky's response? "Goats and weasels? That explains a lot." Dirty! And ew. That sounds like some freaky boudoir behavior.
The next afternoon, Stephanie and Ug come in from taking Stavros sight-seeing around San Fran. Danny asks where they go, expecting to hear them say something like the Golden Gate bridge, and Steph reveals Stavros brought them to the racetrack. Ug whines that she learned to not bet all her tooth fairy money on a horse named Long Shot. File this one under: No shit, Ug. Stavros says he parked Danny's car in front of the little rocket ship out front where dogs go pee pee. After a few seconds of processing, Danny realizes he means his car's in front of a hydrant and rushes out to try to avoid a ticket. For some reason, Joey's sitting down to play cards with himself at the kitchen table and invited Stavros to play a game of Gin. Stavros feigns ignorance about the rules of the game, but ends up hustling Joey out of $20 and his watch, calling it a "friendly game."
The doorbell rings and DJ, Kimmy and Steve answer. It's the pizza delivery guy and Stavros comes in and says he ordered lunch for everyone. They thank him until he grabs the pizza without paying. Claiming he has yet to convert his drachma into US currency, Stavros asks DJ to "be gemstone" and pick up the $20 pizza tab. She does, but is cleaned out and asks if anyone else can get the tip. Kimmy steps in and tells the pizza boy that if you tickler her with a feather duster, she purrs like Catwoman. Eep. The pizza boy is similarly skeeved out. Anywhore, who the hell charges $20 for a small pizza?! What a rip-off! Stavros opens the box and unleashes the unholy smell of lamb guts and double feta cheese on the unsuspecting teens. Where the hell do you find a place that will put lamb guts on a pizza? That sort of accounts for the steep price though... Steve and Kimmy rush out the door citing that Steve's about to hurl.
Just then, Becky comes in from the gym sporting some brightly colored spandex and catches the eye of Stavros. He mutters, "That is HOT," but not quietly enough as Becky totally hears him. She asks him what he said, and Stavros claims he was talking about the cheese on the pizza and says it's so hot, "It's dang near bubbling." Becky uncomfortably cautions him to not burn his mouth and moves into the kitchen with Stavros in hot pursuit. She's got a carrot in hand and he says "Beautiful." Becky awesomely plays this off with "It's just a carrot. He comments on her pleasant aroma and she says that she rubbed some Ben Gay on before leaving the gym. "This Ben, lucky guy." Stavros also adds that she smells "popping fresh" and I mean it, Stamos KILLS it in this episode. Stavros goes in for a sniff and Becky threatens him back off of her with the carrot. Stavros blames it on his nose and lightly raps his shnozz saying, "Bad nose. Bad nose." Becky is understandably creeped out.
The family meets in the living room where they all discuss their experiences with Stavros and determine that he's a conman. Jesse comes in and can't believe what they're saying. He was thinking of asking Stavros to stay longer because he's like a brother to him. Stavros overhears their griping and comes in and apologizes, and returns the money and items he took. He tells them that he has to return to Greece because there was a mudslide that wiped out his entire village. Stavros laments, "If only there was a way to raise funds..." Stephanie suggests a fundraiser. DJ goes one further and says her school did a Dance-a-thon and it made a shit ton of money.
It's Dance-a-thon time. Somehow Steph got roped into dancing with Ug, and by dancing with, I mean, Ug's standing on top of Stephanie's feet, weighing her down. Stavros walks in and promptly removes his plaid sportscoat and awesomely drops it on Michelle's head, temporarily sparing the viewing audience from looking at her ugly mug. And for that I say, Thank you, Stavros. The girls find a one way ticket to Orlando in Stavros' coat pocket and go to DJ, who brings it to Becky. They figure out that the mudslide was another one of his scams, and that by this time tomorrow "Stavros will be cruising the Magic Kingdom trying to get Tinkerbell's number." Rather than tell Jesse, Becky says they have to catch Stavros in the act and prove he's a slimeball.
Becky lures Stavros into some back dressing room and plants a microphone in a bouquet of flowers for her one woman sting operation and puts the seduction on him. Again, another brilliant exchange ensues:
Becky: Let me be Frank...
Stavros: Can I still be Stavros?
B: Last night, I couldn't take my eyes off of you while you ate Spaghettios with your fingers.
S: Spoons are for wimps!
Becky says she wants to run away with Stavros to the kind of place you go to after you win the Superbowl. Stavros is elated and declares it must be Fate "with a big 'F' and a little 'ate'" as he's already booked a ticket to Orlando! He goes in for the smooch and Becky says that she has the feeling they're about to be interrupted any minute. Just then there's a knock at the door, "Man, did I call that?" Unfortunately for Becky it's not Jesse in a jealous rage, but instead UgSnot who snottily tells her she forgot to turn the microphone on. Becky distracts Stavros by telling him his loafers are untied and clicks the microphone on. She convinces Stavros to tell her his plan one more time to really get her blood pumping. Stavros replies, "Ohhh so that's what floats your tuna boat." Is that some sort of Greek sexual slang? He repeats his dastardly scheme, how he fabricated the whole mudslide story and plans to sneak off to Florida, then asks why Becky keeps shoving the bouquet in his face. She replies, "So everyone can hear you!" He discovers he's been set up "A meecrophone!" and tries to make a break for it. He grabs the money, but is stopped by Danny doing some martial arts (nice revisit to the opening segment) and is finally subdued by Danny and Joey.
Jesse tells them to let Stavros go, but not before chastising him with the mother of all guilt trips. He says that Stavros was like a brother to him and asks how he could betray him like this. Stavros' excuse is that he was jealous of Jesse and his wonderful life in America. He sends him packing and apologizes to the crowd, offering to return their money. DJ pipes up that they could donate the funds to another worth cause, like the Children's Hospital. The crowd cheers their approval and the dancing resumes. Man, I wish they could have had Stavros make one more appearance before the show's run ended. Wasted opportunity there.
We begin with Danny practicing the moves he's learned from his new self-defense class. He urges Joey to come at him with a banana gun so that he can practice his disarm/disable maneuver. He ends up smashing the banana on Joey. Just then Uncle Jesse arrives back home from Greece. He flew over there for Papouli's funeral and remarks that it was a wonderful celebration of his life. To top things off, Jesse has returned with a surprise for the family.
It's Cousin Stavros! AKA John Stamos at his most hilarious.
It's time to play hug the cousin. Stephanie and DJ remark that Stavros and Jesse look so much alike that they are definitely related. Stavros scoffs citing that his nose is that "of Greek God. That is nose of cock-a-poo." Stavros says he's got to go check into a seedy motel, and Danny insists that Stavros stay with them at Casa de Tanner, ole! Becky comes in with the kids to greet the returning Jesse, and the boys mistakenly run to Stavros and call him Daddy. Stavros comments that the boys get their looks from their beautiful mother. Becky is at first flattered, then wary, "Why thank you.... who are you?" Jesse explains that when he was 11 and spent the summer in Greece, his cousin Stavros took him in and taught him everything he knows about the birds and the bees, etc. Stavros pipes in that it was actually goats and weasels, and Becky's response? "Goats and weasels? That explains a lot." Dirty! And ew. That sounds like some freaky boudoir behavior.
The next afternoon, Stephanie and Ug come in from taking Stavros sight-seeing around San Fran. Danny asks where they go, expecting to hear them say something like the Golden Gate bridge, and Steph reveals Stavros brought them to the racetrack. Ug whines that she learned to not bet all her tooth fairy money on a horse named Long Shot. File this one under: No shit, Ug. Stavros says he parked Danny's car in front of the little rocket ship out front where dogs go pee pee. After a few seconds of processing, Danny realizes he means his car's in front of a hydrant and rushes out to try to avoid a ticket. For some reason, Joey's sitting down to play cards with himself at the kitchen table and invited Stavros to play a game of Gin. Stavros feigns ignorance about the rules of the game, but ends up hustling Joey out of $20 and his watch, calling it a "friendly game."
The doorbell rings and DJ, Kimmy and Steve answer. It's the pizza delivery guy and Stavros comes in and says he ordered lunch for everyone. They thank him until he grabs the pizza without paying. Claiming he has yet to convert his drachma into US currency, Stavros asks DJ to "be gemstone" and pick up the $20 pizza tab. She does, but is cleaned out and asks if anyone else can get the tip. Kimmy steps in and tells the pizza boy that if you tickler her with a feather duster, she purrs like Catwoman. Eep. The pizza boy is similarly skeeved out. Anywhore, who the hell charges $20 for a small pizza?! What a rip-off! Stavros opens the box and unleashes the unholy smell of lamb guts and double feta cheese on the unsuspecting teens. Where the hell do you find a place that will put lamb guts on a pizza? That sort of accounts for the steep price though... Steve and Kimmy rush out the door citing that Steve's about to hurl.
Just then, Becky comes in from the gym sporting some brightly colored spandex and catches the eye of Stavros. He mutters, "That is HOT," but not quietly enough as Becky totally hears him. She asks him what he said, and Stavros claims he was talking about the cheese on the pizza and says it's so hot, "It's dang near bubbling." Becky uncomfortably cautions him to not burn his mouth and moves into the kitchen with Stavros in hot pursuit. She's got a carrot in hand and he says "Beautiful." Becky awesomely plays this off with "It's just a carrot. He comments on her pleasant aroma and she says that she rubbed some Ben Gay on before leaving the gym. "This Ben, lucky guy." Stavros also adds that she smells "popping fresh" and I mean it, Stamos KILLS it in this episode. Stavros goes in for a sniff and Becky threatens him back off of her with the carrot. Stavros blames it on his nose and lightly raps his shnozz saying, "Bad nose. Bad nose." Becky is understandably creeped out.
The family meets in the living room where they all discuss their experiences with Stavros and determine that he's a conman. Jesse comes in and can't believe what they're saying. He was thinking of asking Stavros to stay longer because he's like a brother to him. Stavros overhears their griping and comes in and apologizes, and returns the money and items he took. He tells them that he has to return to Greece because there was a mudslide that wiped out his entire village. Stavros laments, "If only there was a way to raise funds..." Stephanie suggests a fundraiser. DJ goes one further and says her school did a Dance-a-thon and it made a shit ton of money.
It's Dance-a-thon time. Somehow Steph got roped into dancing with Ug, and by dancing with, I mean, Ug's standing on top of Stephanie's feet, weighing her down. Stavros walks in and promptly removes his plaid sportscoat and awesomely drops it on Michelle's head, temporarily sparing the viewing audience from looking at her ugly mug. And for that I say, Thank you, Stavros. The girls find a one way ticket to Orlando in Stavros' coat pocket and go to DJ, who brings it to Becky. They figure out that the mudslide was another one of his scams, and that by this time tomorrow "Stavros will be cruising the Magic Kingdom trying to get Tinkerbell's number." Rather than tell Jesse, Becky says they have to catch Stavros in the act and prove he's a slimeball.
Becky lures Stavros into some back dressing room and plants a microphone in a bouquet of flowers for her one woman sting operation and puts the seduction on him. Again, another brilliant exchange ensues:
Becky: Let me be Frank...
Stavros: Can I still be Stavros?
B: Last night, I couldn't take my eyes off of you while you ate Spaghettios with your fingers.
S: Spoons are for wimps!
Becky says she wants to run away with Stavros to the kind of place you go to after you win the Superbowl. Stavros is elated and declares it must be Fate "with a big 'F' and a little 'ate'" as he's already booked a ticket to Orlando! He goes in for the smooch and Becky says that she has the feeling they're about to be interrupted any minute. Just then there's a knock at the door, "Man, did I call that?" Unfortunately for Becky it's not Jesse in a jealous rage, but instead UgSnot who snottily tells her she forgot to turn the microphone on. Becky distracts Stavros by telling him his loafers are untied and clicks the microphone on. She convinces Stavros to tell her his plan one more time to really get her blood pumping. Stavros replies, "Ohhh so that's what floats your tuna boat." Is that some sort of Greek sexual slang? He repeats his dastardly scheme, how he fabricated the whole mudslide story and plans to sneak off to Florida, then asks why Becky keeps shoving the bouquet in his face. She replies, "So everyone can hear you!" He discovers he's been set up "A meecrophone!" and tries to make a break for it. He grabs the money, but is stopped by Danny doing some martial arts (nice revisit to the opening segment) and is finally subdued by Danny and Joey.
Jesse tells them to let Stavros go, but not before chastising him with the mother of all guilt trips. He says that Stavros was like a brother to him and asks how he could betray him like this. Stavros' excuse is that he was jealous of Jesse and his wonderful life in America. He sends him packing and apologizes to the crowd, offering to return their money. DJ pipes up that they could donate the funds to another worth cause, like the Children's Hospital. The crowd cheers their approval and the dancing resumes. Man, I wish they could have had Stavros make one more appearance before the show's run ended. Wasted opportunity there.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
"I'm too dumb to be scared." or Love on the Rocks (7.19)
Danny is cleaning up a storm in his living room, dusting and pledging and goes so far as to dust his can of Pledge. His obsessive compulsiveness is interrupted by the arrival of Kimmy and her new beau, "Keanu" as she greets him with the most awesome epithet yet, "T-Bag." Heh, surprised that one slipped by the censors. Keanu reveals that his real name is John, but Kimmy prefers to call him Keanu. Danny says his name's not really T-Bag, but Kimmy's just an idiot. DJ and Steve are scrutinizing the movie they just saw, some fictional installment of the Ernest movies, and Kimmy and Keanu are shocked that they actually watched the movie as they just made out the entire time. They call Steve and DJ boring and leave them to sit and be boring. Steve reveals to DJ that his film class professor chose him to go on a class trip to LA because of his critical eye. DJ is bummed because his trip falls over her school break and she was hoping they could spend the time together.
The next morning, the entire family is dragging ass in the kitchen, wondering why they're all so tired. Joey comes in chipper and spouting off "Top o' the mornin' to ya,!" like some deranged leprechaun. Then Becky comes in and says that on her drive to the health club, the radio said it was only 5am. Joey cackles and yells, "April Fool's!" He turned back everyone's clocks and watches in the house. It's not even April, but Joey can never fool them on the actual day, so he decided to strike prematurely. There are a lot of instances on this show where I would kill Joey, but for tampering with my sleep I would literally MURDER his ass.
Later, Kimmy and Keanu try to urge DJ to come to a party with them. But she declines, citing that she promised she'd watch the twins that night and besides, Steve was due to call her from LA that night. DJ's playing with Nicky and Alex and their farm toys and is making some killer goat sounds. Steve calls and she says "Helloooo?" with a bleating goat inflection. Ha. Not really though. Steve's calling from a posh restaurant in Beverly Hills, gushing about the celebrities he's met (like Tom Cruise's dental hygienist (ah, the days where Tom Cruise wasn't a loony parody of himself)), when he's tapped on the shoulder by the uber rude Suzanne Somers. Her bitchy ass asks to use the pay phone because her flip phone died. And rather than be polite and let him use the phone for the all of 5-10 minutes he paid for, her twatty self feels the need to interrupt. She's actually not a bitch in how she asks, but I think the fact that she interrupts to ask at all is bitchy in itself, if that makes any sense. Plus, I hate Suzanne Somers. Steve freaks out, star struck and promptly hangs up on DJ. Miffed that she waited around all night for that pathetic conversation, DJ vows to go out and have fun... starting tomorrow.
The next day, DJ goes hiking up Eagle Mountain with Kimmy & Keanu. DJ is getting freaked out by the heights and asks Kimmy if she's also scared. Kimmy awesomely replies "I'm too dumb to be scared." As she admires Keanu's tush while he climbs to the next level, she nearly falls off the side of the mountain until DJ pulls her back. Kimmy is unfazed by her near brush with death and simply remarks "What a way to go." DJ is too scared and doesn't want to move from the ledge and Kimmy tells her to sack up and face her fears. She does and feels a great sense of empowerment from climbing the mountain.
Later in the week, DJ comes in from being out with Steph and Michelle and sees an irritated Steve sitting at the kitchen table. Apparently he'd been there for 3 hours, waiting. DJ forgot that this was the day he returned home from LA, and Steve gets all assy about how obviously she didn't miss him all that much if his return slipped her mind. And while Steve's being a bit bratty, especially given his phone manners (did he even try to call another time while in LA?), I can't imagine forgetting when a significant other returns from vacation. DJ just says that she's kept pretty busy this week and got her dates crossed. She also mentions the Suzanne Somers incident and Steve accuses her of being jealous of him and Suzanne. That's the last straw for DJ who tells Steve to go home. He says fine, but that he's not going because she said to. He's going because his mother told him not to be late for dinner "and I don't intend to."
The family gathers in the living room to pull their April Fool's joke on Joey. They recorded an earlier lottery drawing and purchased a ticket with those exact numbers and switched that ticket with the one Joey bought. They think they've convinced him he's won and then accidentally toss the ticket in the fireplace. When they reveal the April Fool's joke, he says there was no tape in the VCR, because he took it out to clean it earlier, and then the entire family freaks out and tries to retrieve the ticket from the fire. Joey then calls "April Fool's" on their asses, and this is way too much April Foolery for not even fucking April. Turns out UgSnot labelled the tape in question "Joke on Joey." This is why you don't let fugly little trolls handle even the most menial task, as they always will find a way to fuck things up. Thankfully, the family had a backup plan. As Joey tells them they'll never be able to prank him, he walks through the kitchen door and has a bucket of water dropped on his head. Awesome. I love Joey getting his comeuppance.
In the middle of the night, Danny goes down into the kitchen to find DJ sitting there, unable to sleep. She tells him about her fight with Steve and how she feels like they're no longer on the same wavelength. Danny says that sometimes people start to grow apart and she asks if that's how he felt when him and Vicky broke up. He says it was, and that they need to talk about it. DJ thanks him for the Dad talk and says that they're a lot more enjoyable when she's not in trouble.
The next day, DJ bring Steve to Eagle Mountain to see if he feels the same empowering clarity she felt. All Steve feels like is eating a Chili Dog. DJ sadly tells Steve that it feels like something is missing from their relationship, like someone let all of the air out of it. She says that the heat and connection between them is disappearing, and Steve says that they still have fun together. She says that what he's describing is a friendship, and there's no more romance. She says they'll always be best friends, which pleases Steve as she's the best friend he's ever had.
They break up and DJ asks what do they do now? Steve says they head down the mountain to face the world. DJ hangs back for a minute, and tells Steve she'll be okay, and then looks out into the wide yonder and repeats to herself "I'll be okay." Cheeeeeeeese! Bye Steve! I'll miss your human garbage disposal ass!
The next morning, the entire family is dragging ass in the kitchen, wondering why they're all so tired. Joey comes in chipper and spouting off "Top o' the mornin' to ya,!" like some deranged leprechaun. Then Becky comes in and says that on her drive to the health club, the radio said it was only 5am. Joey cackles and yells, "April Fool's!" He turned back everyone's clocks and watches in the house. It's not even April, but Joey can never fool them on the actual day, so he decided to strike prematurely. There are a lot of instances on this show where I would kill Joey, but for tampering with my sleep I would literally MURDER his ass.
Later, Kimmy and Keanu try to urge DJ to come to a party with them. But she declines, citing that she promised she'd watch the twins that night and besides, Steve was due to call her from LA that night. DJ's playing with Nicky and Alex and their farm toys and is making some killer goat sounds. Steve calls and she says "Helloooo?" with a bleating goat inflection. Ha. Not really though. Steve's calling from a posh restaurant in Beverly Hills, gushing about the celebrities he's met (like Tom Cruise's dental hygienist (ah, the days where Tom Cruise wasn't a loony parody of himself)), when he's tapped on the shoulder by the uber rude Suzanne Somers. Her bitchy ass asks to use the pay phone because her flip phone died. And rather than be polite and let him use the phone for the all of 5-10 minutes he paid for, her twatty self feels the need to interrupt. She's actually not a bitch in how she asks, but I think the fact that she interrupts to ask at all is bitchy in itself, if that makes any sense. Plus, I hate Suzanne Somers. Steve freaks out, star struck and promptly hangs up on DJ. Miffed that she waited around all night for that pathetic conversation, DJ vows to go out and have fun... starting tomorrow.
The next day, DJ goes hiking up Eagle Mountain with Kimmy & Keanu. DJ is getting freaked out by the heights and asks Kimmy if she's also scared. Kimmy awesomely replies "I'm too dumb to be scared." As she admires Keanu's tush while he climbs to the next level, she nearly falls off the side of the mountain until DJ pulls her back. Kimmy is unfazed by her near brush with death and simply remarks "What a way to go." DJ is too scared and doesn't want to move from the ledge and Kimmy tells her to sack up and face her fears. She does and feels a great sense of empowerment from climbing the mountain.
Later in the week, DJ comes in from being out with Steph and Michelle and sees an irritated Steve sitting at the kitchen table. Apparently he'd been there for 3 hours, waiting. DJ forgot that this was the day he returned home from LA, and Steve gets all assy about how obviously she didn't miss him all that much if his return slipped her mind. And while Steve's being a bit bratty, especially given his phone manners (did he even try to call another time while in LA?), I can't imagine forgetting when a significant other returns from vacation. DJ just says that she's kept pretty busy this week and got her dates crossed. She also mentions the Suzanne Somers incident and Steve accuses her of being jealous of him and Suzanne. That's the last straw for DJ who tells Steve to go home. He says fine, but that he's not going because she said to. He's going because his mother told him not to be late for dinner "and I don't intend to."
The family gathers in the living room to pull their April Fool's joke on Joey. They recorded an earlier lottery drawing and purchased a ticket with those exact numbers and switched that ticket with the one Joey bought. They think they've convinced him he's won and then accidentally toss the ticket in the fireplace. When they reveal the April Fool's joke, he says there was no tape in the VCR, because he took it out to clean it earlier, and then the entire family freaks out and tries to retrieve the ticket from the fire. Joey then calls "April Fool's" on their asses, and this is way too much April Foolery for not even fucking April. Turns out UgSnot labelled the tape in question "Joke on Joey." This is why you don't let fugly little trolls handle even the most menial task, as they always will find a way to fuck things up. Thankfully, the family had a backup plan. As Joey tells them they'll never be able to prank him, he walks through the kitchen door and has a bucket of water dropped on his head. Awesome. I love Joey getting his comeuppance.
In the middle of the night, Danny goes down into the kitchen to find DJ sitting there, unable to sleep. She tells him about her fight with Steve and how she feels like they're no longer on the same wavelength. Danny says that sometimes people start to grow apart and she asks if that's how he felt when him and Vicky broke up. He says it was, and that they need to talk about it. DJ thanks him for the Dad talk and says that they're a lot more enjoyable when she's not in trouble.
The next day, DJ bring Steve to Eagle Mountain to see if he feels the same empowering clarity she felt. All Steve feels like is eating a Chili Dog. DJ sadly tells Steve that it feels like something is missing from their relationship, like someone let all of the air out of it. She says that the heat and connection between them is disappearing, and Steve says that they still have fun together. She says that what he's describing is a friendship, and there's no more romance. She says they'll always be best friends, which pleases Steve as she's the best friend he's ever had.
They break up and DJ asks what do they do now? Steve says they head down the mountain to face the world. DJ hangs back for a minute, and tells Steve she'll be okay, and then looks out into the wide yonder and repeats to herself "I'll be okay." Cheeeeeeeese! Bye Steve! I'll miss your human garbage disposal ass!
Monday, November 17, 2008
"Well, usually that's my idea of a Happy Meal..." or The Perfect Couple (7.13)
No, you're eyes aren't playing tricks on you. It is I, actually updating my blog. I don't have a good reason for neglecting it for so long, but I'm updating now, so yay!
We open with another one of Vicky's weekend visits is coming to an end and as she's leaving, her and Danny keep kissing. Ew. Not sexy. Never fear though, she'll be back next weekend to visit again.
Danny glumly goes into the kitchen and tells Joey that the distance and living visit to visit with Vicky is killing him and that he wants to settle down and begin their life together. Joey, always the sympathetic ear, jokes that he's not ready for that level of commitment, to which I reply, then maybe you should finally move out of his house after 7 fucking years, Gladstone. Danny vows to sit Vicky down during her visit next weekend and set a date for the wedding since they've now been engaged for 6 months.
Joey begins blowing smoke up Danny's ass and complimenting him and builds Danny and Vicky up as the perfect couple and segues into asking him to participate on his new gig, the trial run episode of a game show he's hosting, coincidentally entitled "The Perfect Couple." DJ and Steve are also going to take part as the dating couple and Jesse and Rebecca are going to be the married couple.
Jesse is less than thrilled about being on the show, but Becky thinks it will be fun. He claims he is an enigma and she reveals that she essentially knows everything about him. A few of the Jesse Katsopolis fun facts she reveals: for Christmas he wants the pepper grinder to complete his Elvis kitchen set, his favorite midnight snack is chicken (as he often returns to bed "smelling like the Colonel"), When he gets angry he goes to tune up his Harley. Jesse is miffed that he's so predictable and stomps off in a huff.
Steve comes in to see DJ, excited to be on "The Perfect Couple" which will henceforth be shortened to TPC because I'm lazy. He reveals he's planning on wearing his lucky ring from his Uncle Artie, who also taught him how to juggle... all facts DJ was unaware of up until this moment. DJ panics that she doesn't know anything about Steve and questions what the relationship is based on. Kimmy replies, "You're cute. He has a car. What more is there to know?" Bwah! Score one for the Gibbler. Steve doesn't get why DJ's freaking out, because they love each other, and isn't that enough to build a relationship off of? Remember this when the end of the episode rolls around.
Steph is baby-sitting Nicky and Alex and asserting her authoritay, Eric Cartman style. Stephanie asks them to put on their pajamas and they refuse and start running amok all over the house. Obvs we have UgSnot lurking around to offer her bratty commentary of the situation. Poor Stephanie, can you imagine being left on your own with those 3 demon spawn?
Meanwhile on the set of TPC, the couples nervously prepare for the show. Becky tells Jesse to drink some water because she knows how his throat gets dry when he's nervous. Jesse tries to insist that's untrue, but as he does, his voice catches in his extremely dry throat. For those playing along at home the score reads, Becky: 982354892102, Jesse: 0. Every couple is nervous, that is, except for Danny and Vicky, who's running late. The show's producer has his assistant Estelle step in for Vicky. Estelle is a short stout curmudgeonly old woman sporting a page boy haircut. Cue Joey sporting a ridiculous wig, capped teeth, affected voice and the pseudonym, Joe Stone.
Danny is miffed that he has to participate in the game show with a complete stranger, wondering what Estelle could possibly know about him. She immediately and smartly snaps back, "I know you're a whiner." Bwah! Score one for the stout troll! DJ is equally unenthusiastic, saying theres no point in playing the game because her and Steve are practically strangers. They bicker back and forth and Joey tries to smooth things over, until the producer pulls him aside and tells him the goal of the show is to embarass the couples and instigate arguments.
Joey tries to fan the flames, but DJ has simmered down and exasperatedly asks for Joey to just ask the first question. He obliges and asks Steve: "Which fish does DJ think you would say she kisses like?" Steve incorrectly guesses flounder. Oh snap! DJ's actual answer is that she hopes he'd say angel fish. Steve plays this off awesomely saying, "Oh! Tropical fish are allowed?" Joe Stone pipes in, "Looks like this relationship is floundering!"
Moving on to the old married couple, Joey asks Jesse what Rebecca would say is his obsession. He says that it WAS his hair, but now he has a brand new obsession: proving to Becky that he is unpredictable. She nails it, practically word for word, much to the chagrin of Jesse.
Joe Stone moves onto our "engaged" couple prompting Danny to yelp, "We're not engaged!" He asks what song would Danny most like to hear at their wedding? Estelle rationalizes that because Danny is so high strung and sensitive, like her third husband Bernie, that it would be "Love Will Keep Us Together" which was Bernie's favorite song. Turns out that's Danny and Vicki's song. Again, please note this for later in the episode. Man, re-watching, the anvils, they are a-dropping.
Steph chases the twins all around the house. I beat my head against the wall as Ug steps in to save the day. Turns out that Steph had the colors of the boys' pajamas switched. You know, I liked this story line a lot better when it was Steph bailing out an incompetent Kimmy who was baby-sitting the twins. Trying to recycle an old plot and replacing Stephanie with Ug is a major DOWNGRADE. Because the writers hate us so much, they have Steph beg the wise Michelle for help because she's just so wonderful. The power hungry little Trollsen is energized by her sudden surge of authority and becomes all militant, barking orders at the boys. Oh, how I would have loved them to stage a revolt against the tyrannical UgSnot.
Back at TPC, Estelle is in the process of correctly identifying Danny's recurring nightmare as him being naked on a Stairmaster(TM). Yeesh, sounds like my nightmare... Bob Saget naked anywhere! I keed I keed, he's a sexy piece.
Becky says that she's tired of upsetting Jesse by proving his predictability, so she opts to pass rather than risk once again matching Jesse's answer. Jesse pleads with her to say something, and when they roll the video, we see Jesse saying "Let's see her try and match this: I pass!" Exasperated, Jesse says he gives up, and there's no way to surprise her. Becky says he should look at it as a positive thing that they know each other so well, as it's an integral part of being a loving married couple. They tell Joey to back off.
DJ shmoopily hopes to one day know as much about Steve as Becky and Jesse know about each other. Steve says that every day with her is like Christmas because each new thing he learns about her is like unwrapping a present. Joe Stone comments on the cheesiness of this statement, and DJ says that it's so sweet. They kiss and say eff TPC and go off to "learn" things about each other, wink wink.
Estelle and Danny end up being the Perfect Couple and win a trip to Cabo San Lucas! Sweet! Joey gets the job as the producer cites if he can be this vicious with his own family, imagine the havoc Joey can wreak on strangers! Joey says thanks but no thanks, and turns in his capped teeth and doofy wig.
Vicky rushes in, and way to miss the party there, Vic. She was late because she was in a meeting with the head of the network. Which network? Who knows? Better yet, who cares? She's been offered a job to anchor the network news... in New York. Danny is obviously saddened by the news. Vicky tries to put a positive spin on things, saying that they'll pretty much be the same as how they have been, only with her stationed in New York rather than Chicago. Danny laments that he doesn't want things to stay the same, he wants things to get better and closer. He tells her that he wanted to sit down and set a date for the wedding. Vicky tries to stay upbeat, and says they just need to wait a little longer. Danny sadly replies that he can't do that, because it hurts too much. Aww is anyone else's heart breaking? Just a little bit? Vicky unrealistically suggests that Danny moves to NY. He tells her that he can't uproot his entire family and that everyone he cares about is on the west coast... that is, everyone but Vicky. Vicky says she can't give up her dream and Danny says he can't ask her to give up her dream, so he'll give up his. They break up and admit that love isn't enough. Thud. There's that anvil that's been falling all episode long.
Damn, teary-eyed Bob Saget is really tugging at my heartstrings.
Back at the house, Danny is sitting alone by the fire as Christmas carols play. Shit, it's fucking Christmastime and he just broke off his engagement? Poor Danny! The girls come in and try to cheer Danny up. Well, DJ and Stephanie do. All Ug does is offer him a tuna melt. DJ and Steph tell him that they'll miss Vicky too, but also say they've been getting along fine without a mother thus far and even though it hurts, they still have each other. The brokenhearted father embraces his three daughters over the swelling music of "The First Noel" in the background.
There, now I've gotten everyone in the holiday spirit. I'll try to be much better with updates in the future. Promise!
We open with another one of Vicky's weekend visits is coming to an end and as she's leaving, her and Danny keep kissing. Ew. Not sexy. Never fear though, she'll be back next weekend to visit again.
Danny glumly goes into the kitchen and tells Joey that the distance and living visit to visit with Vicky is killing him and that he wants to settle down and begin their life together. Joey, always the sympathetic ear, jokes that he's not ready for that level of commitment, to which I reply, then maybe you should finally move out of his house after 7 fucking years, Gladstone. Danny vows to sit Vicky down during her visit next weekend and set a date for the wedding since they've now been engaged for 6 months.
Joey begins blowing smoke up Danny's ass and complimenting him and builds Danny and Vicky up as the perfect couple and segues into asking him to participate on his new gig, the trial run episode of a game show he's hosting, coincidentally entitled "The Perfect Couple." DJ and Steve are also going to take part as the dating couple and Jesse and Rebecca are going to be the married couple.
Jesse is less than thrilled about being on the show, but Becky thinks it will be fun. He claims he is an enigma and she reveals that she essentially knows everything about him. A few of the Jesse Katsopolis fun facts she reveals: for Christmas he wants the pepper grinder to complete his Elvis kitchen set, his favorite midnight snack is chicken (as he often returns to bed "smelling like the Colonel"), When he gets angry he goes to tune up his Harley. Jesse is miffed that he's so predictable and stomps off in a huff.
Steve comes in to see DJ, excited to be on "The Perfect Couple" which will henceforth be shortened to TPC because I'm lazy. He reveals he's planning on wearing his lucky ring from his Uncle Artie, who also taught him how to juggle... all facts DJ was unaware of up until this moment. DJ panics that she doesn't know anything about Steve and questions what the relationship is based on. Kimmy replies, "You're cute. He has a car. What more is there to know?" Bwah! Score one for the Gibbler. Steve doesn't get why DJ's freaking out, because they love each other, and isn't that enough to build a relationship off of? Remember this when the end of the episode rolls around.
Steph is baby-sitting Nicky and Alex and asserting her authoritay, Eric Cartman style. Stephanie asks them to put on their pajamas and they refuse and start running amok all over the house. Obvs we have UgSnot lurking around to offer her bratty commentary of the situation. Poor Stephanie, can you imagine being left on your own with those 3 demon spawn?
Meanwhile on the set of TPC, the couples nervously prepare for the show. Becky tells Jesse to drink some water because she knows how his throat gets dry when he's nervous. Jesse tries to insist that's untrue, but as he does, his voice catches in his extremely dry throat. For those playing along at home the score reads, Becky: 982354892102, Jesse: 0. Every couple is nervous, that is, except for Danny and Vicky, who's running late. The show's producer has his assistant Estelle step in for Vicky. Estelle is a short stout curmudgeonly old woman sporting a page boy haircut. Cue Joey sporting a ridiculous wig, capped teeth, affected voice and the pseudonym, Joe Stone.
Danny is miffed that he has to participate in the game show with a complete stranger, wondering what Estelle could possibly know about him. She immediately and smartly snaps back, "I know you're a whiner." Bwah! Score one for the stout troll! DJ is equally unenthusiastic, saying theres no point in playing the game because her and Steve are practically strangers. They bicker back and forth and Joey tries to smooth things over, until the producer pulls him aside and tells him the goal of the show is to embarass the couples and instigate arguments.
Joey tries to fan the flames, but DJ has simmered down and exasperatedly asks for Joey to just ask the first question. He obliges and asks Steve: "Which fish does DJ think you would say she kisses like?" Steve incorrectly guesses flounder. Oh snap! DJ's actual answer is that she hopes he'd say angel fish. Steve plays this off awesomely saying, "Oh! Tropical fish are allowed?" Joe Stone pipes in, "Looks like this relationship is floundering!"
Moving on to the old married couple, Joey asks Jesse what Rebecca would say is his obsession. He says that it WAS his hair, but now he has a brand new obsession: proving to Becky that he is unpredictable. She nails it, practically word for word, much to the chagrin of Jesse.
Joe Stone moves onto our "engaged" couple prompting Danny to yelp, "We're not engaged!" He asks what song would Danny most like to hear at their wedding? Estelle rationalizes that because Danny is so high strung and sensitive, like her third husband Bernie, that it would be "Love Will Keep Us Together" which was Bernie's favorite song. Turns out that's Danny and Vicki's song. Again, please note this for later in the episode. Man, re-watching, the anvils, they are a-dropping.
Steph chases the twins all around the house. I beat my head against the wall as Ug steps in to save the day. Turns out that Steph had the colors of the boys' pajamas switched. You know, I liked this story line a lot better when it was Steph bailing out an incompetent Kimmy who was baby-sitting the twins. Trying to recycle an old plot and replacing Stephanie with Ug is a major DOWNGRADE. Because the writers hate us so much, they have Steph beg the wise Michelle for help because she's just so wonderful. The power hungry little Trollsen is energized by her sudden surge of authority and becomes all militant, barking orders at the boys. Oh, how I would have loved them to stage a revolt against the tyrannical UgSnot.
Back at TPC, Estelle is in the process of correctly identifying Danny's recurring nightmare as him being naked on a Stairmaster(TM). Yeesh, sounds like my nightmare... Bob Saget naked anywhere! I keed I keed, he's a sexy piece.
Becky says that she's tired of upsetting Jesse by proving his predictability, so she opts to pass rather than risk once again matching Jesse's answer. Jesse pleads with her to say something, and when they roll the video, we see Jesse saying "Let's see her try and match this: I pass!" Exasperated, Jesse says he gives up, and there's no way to surprise her. Becky says he should look at it as a positive thing that they know each other so well, as it's an integral part of being a loving married couple. They tell Joey to back off.
DJ shmoopily hopes to one day know as much about Steve as Becky and Jesse know about each other. Steve says that every day with her is like Christmas because each new thing he learns about her is like unwrapping a present. Joe Stone comments on the cheesiness of this statement, and DJ says that it's so sweet. They kiss and say eff TPC and go off to "learn" things about each other, wink wink.
Estelle and Danny end up being the Perfect Couple and win a trip to Cabo San Lucas! Sweet! Joey gets the job as the producer cites if he can be this vicious with his own family, imagine the havoc Joey can wreak on strangers! Joey says thanks but no thanks, and turns in his capped teeth and doofy wig.
Vicky rushes in, and way to miss the party there, Vic. She was late because she was in a meeting with the head of the network. Which network? Who knows? Better yet, who cares? She's been offered a job to anchor the network news... in New York. Danny is obviously saddened by the news. Vicky tries to put a positive spin on things, saying that they'll pretty much be the same as how they have been, only with her stationed in New York rather than Chicago. Danny laments that he doesn't want things to stay the same, he wants things to get better and closer. He tells her that he wanted to sit down and set a date for the wedding. Vicky tries to stay upbeat, and says they just need to wait a little longer. Danny sadly replies that he can't do that, because it hurts too much. Aww is anyone else's heart breaking? Just a little bit? Vicky unrealistically suggests that Danny moves to NY. He tells her that he can't uproot his entire family and that everyone he cares about is on the west coast... that is, everyone but Vicky. Vicky says she can't give up her dream and Danny says he can't ask her to give up her dream, so he'll give up his. They break up and admit that love isn't enough. Thud. There's that anvil that's been falling all episode long.
Damn, teary-eyed Bob Saget is really tugging at my heartstrings.
Back at the house, Danny is sitting alone by the fire as Christmas carols play. Shit, it's fucking Christmastime and he just broke off his engagement? Poor Danny! The girls come in and try to cheer Danny up. Well, DJ and Stephanie do. All Ug does is offer him a tuna melt. DJ and Steph tell him that they'll miss Vicky too, but also say they've been getting along fine without a mother thus far and even though it hurts, they still have each other. The brokenhearted father embraces his three daughters over the swelling music of "The First Noel" in the background.
There, now I've gotten everyone in the holiday spirit. I'll try to be much better with updates in the future. Promise!
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