"'Am I the Raddest, Baddest Dad you ever had?' 'You were until you said that.'" or Crushed (5.16)

Another episode sans the opening scene? And this time, I know for sure it wasn't some DVR trickey. You're really slacking on me, Season Five.

We open with Jesse and Becky and the twins in the kitchen. Joey comes in and proclaims the twins are his "biggest fans" (try, your ONLY fans, Gladstone). Joey proceeds to torture all of us with his tired ass Bullwinkle routine. The babies laugh, and Jesse and Becky inform Joey to not get too excited because even Jesse blowing his proud Greek nose causes them to crack up.

Because she can't allow anyone to ever do anything that doesn't concern her ever, Ug marches in and states that she can make the twins laugh too. Only she can't.

"Michelle-winkle"? Seriously? Becky and Jesse pretend the twins were just tired, and quickly whisk them away before their entire day is consumed by the Ugly one. She tells Joey she wants to be funny "just like you." ....'Kay. Not going to touch that one. They wander off doing something called a "power laugh" and I feel so bad for anyone who crosses that duo's path.

Stephanie and DJ come down and Stephanie is begging her father to let her ditch school because 1. It's her birthday, and 2. Some tween heartthrob named Tommy Page is guesting on WUSF and she wants to meet him. Steph lays the guilt trip on pretty thick, but Danny is firm in his refusal, but later reveals to DJ he's already lined Tommy up to make a guest appearance at Stephanie's party and sing to her.

Fast forward to Stephanie's party. Lots of young girls are dancing and Uncle Jesse saunters through the crowd inappropriately thrusting behind them. Kinda squicky. DJ Joey Badstone is spinning the jams. Stephanie notices that none of the boys are dancing and enlists resident perv Uncle Jesse to get them to dance. They refuse, so Jesse suggests ladies' choice, and naturally they all rush to him. He shoves them off, but you know deep down, if Becky wasn't there, he'd have been all over that.

C&C Music Factory is pumping and Steph busts into some sick choreography. Hey, remember when Steph wanted to be a dancer? Neither does anyone else, because by Season Five this shit was almost entirely the Michelle show. Speaking of that UgSnot, she's trying (and failing (that's two fails only 5 minutes into the show!)) to follow suit and ends up just messing up one of the other girl's dancing. You know that girl was pissed. She thought this was going to be her big break, dancing on a major sitcom, and her seamless choreography is fucked up by a bumbling child.

DJ comes in with a ravenous Kimmy who is desperately trying to get her hands on some of that sweet, sweet Tommy Page ass. And really, who can blame her?

"Paintings In My Mind"? Shit's deep, man. A quick Google search tells me that this Tommy Page fellow actually did exist and have a music career. All this time I assumed he was a made up celebrity for the show. Allegedly he had some hit song I've never heard of in 1990 entitled "I'll Be Your Everything."

You're welcome.

Danny attempts to put the fear of God into Kimmy to keep her hands off of Tommy, but everybody knows you can't keep the Gibbler down. DJ gives Joey the signal, he cuts the music and Jesse begins playing the intro to some awful ballad on his keyboard and Tommy Page walks in and begins serenading Steph with a song entitled "Stephanie." All the girls sway in the background and all the guys grumble amongst themselves that they could take this dude in a fight. I gotta say, Tommy has like zero charisma and stage presence.

The song ends and DJ loosens her grip on Kimmy, and she bolts into Tommy's arms. She asks him to sign an autograph that says "To Kimmy, the woman of my dreams" to which Danny snarks that Tommy writes music, "not science fiction." Ouch! A sizzling burn for the Tan-Man!

Jesse embarrasses himself trying to whore out his music to Tommy who could not be less impressed. Ug obviously demands he start working on her song for her upcoming birthday in November. He laughs and tells her she's funny and she informs him she's in "comedy college" and unleashes that gawdawful power laugh on him. Say it with me now, STFU Ug!

DJ introduces herself, and after the shitshow that just transpired, makes a glowing impression. Tommy asks her to show him around the major sights of San Fran. Ruh roh.

Stephanie is in the midst of planning her wedding to Tommy with San Francisco's premier wedding planner, Comet the Golden Retriever. Just then, DJ and Tommy come bursting through the kitchen door, and not seeing Stephanie, gush about the wonderful day they had. Tommy even offers to get her backstage passes to his show tonight and oh, Deej. You're so going to have to put out. He gives her a kiss on the lips and heads downstairs to cut some tracks with Jesse. DJ is elated and Stephanie, still completely unnoticed, runs upstairs, totally distraught and heartbroken. Perhaps it was this moment, when she was spurned by a one-"hit" wonder that set her on a path towards drugs? I never read Jodi Sweetin's autobiography, so I'm not sure, but I like attributing it to Tommy Page.

Joey and Michelle intrude upon Becky & Jesse's attic apartment for Michelle to try her new comedy routine on the twins. Still not funny. She gets a cheap giggle out of the boys by shoving the pie in Joey's face. He chases her out of the room with threats of a "sloppy kiss." Vom.

Stephanie then comes in (boy, does anyone ever knock? Bet they're glad they gave up Becky's place to live in the attic now!) and asks to talk to Becky, woman-to-woman. She asks Becky what she would do if another woman stole Uncle Jesse from her. Becky spouts some BS that that would never happen because they're so in love and committed, but ends with a menacing, "She wouldn't know what hit her." Bwah! I like Becky with an edge. Stephanie marches off to lay waste to DJ "The Scuzz Queen."

Kimmy comes over to continue to stalk Tommy and wants all of DJ's dirty deets on her day with Tommy. Kimmy is uber-jealous, but backs down pretty easily and wishes her well. That's pretty cool. Most girls would probably try and snake him.

Down in the studio, Tommy finishes the song and Jesse tells him how appreciative they are. Tommy admits that he actually wrote the song for his girlfriend, Melanie. What an asshole. If I was his girlfriend, I'd be pissed that he was gallivanting around San Francisco and locking lips with DJ. What a pig. The red light goes off and DJ is down the stairs faster than... um... faster than Kim Kardashian's marriage. She pretends she wasn't staring at the light, but does a poor job covering it.

Stephanie comes down with a box of photos determined to ruin DJ's blossoming romance with Tommy. Some of these pics include DJ with the mumps, her first bath, and baby DJ with a fanny rash. DJ yanks Stephanie by the arm and hauls her out of the basement. The girls bicker in the kitchen over who is Tommy's rightful girlriend and begin chasing each other around the house, with the three men in tow.

The finally pull the girls apart and Stephanie's proof that Tommy was her's is that he signed her CD "Love, Tommy." Joey quickly bursts that bubble by pointing out that Tommy signed his CD "Love, Tommy." And I need to just take a moment and point out that Joey is wearing one of the fugliest sweaters known to man: a red sweater that reads "Tomato Ketch-" that is supposed to mimic a ketchup bottle. Hideous.

Danny lets Steph down gently, and DJ butts in that Stephanie has a little girl crush, but her fling with Tommy is the real deal. Tommy finally emerges from the basement and states that he just wants to be friends with both girls. I really wish DJ called him out for kissing her on the lips, which, I'm sorry, but I still maintain it is so inappropriate for a guy with a girlfriend to do. Tommy then walks out the door and into obscurity.

Stephanie is moping in bed and DJ joins her operating on the notion of misery loves company. DJ says that she'll never steal any of Steph's boyfriends (duh, they'll be 5 years younger, so that would be mad creepy and socially unacceptable for a long time), because men come and go, but sister's are forever. She also demands that Steph turn over all of the embarrassing photos, and she agrees. DJ leaves and Stephanie smiles, turns on her recording of "Stephanie" and curls up with Mr. Bear. I leave you with that rocking tune now, readers. Enjoy.

Also,

TOMMY PAGE > THE BIEBS

Jus' sayin'.

"Steph, do you have a rebuttal?" "No... but you should hear my side of this!" or Take My Sister, Please (5.3)

Kimmy and DJ are up in DJ and Stephanie's shared room doing homework with... SQUEEE! DAVID LASCHER! That hunk of hunks from "Hey Dude" and "Sabrina the Teenage Witch"! Man, he's a fox, how on earth did they snag him for this 3 minute role? And why didn't they pursue him as a recurring character?



Anyway, superhunk David Lascher is portraying Rick, and sadly, we won't ever see him again following this brief exchange. While doing work with DJ and Kimmy, he tells DJ about the debut of a new roller coaster, the Squirminator and insinuating that he'd like to take a ride with Deej. Stephanie has to come in and totally cockblock DJ by saying that she barfs on roller coasters. Rick's sufficiently turned off and peaces out of there almost immediately. Man, if I was DJ I would beat the shit out of Steph for ruining my chances with David Lascher. She is obviously pissed and bitches Stephanie out, telling her that she's tired of her intrusions.

Meanwhile, Jesse comes home bearing a plethora of chips for Becky. He has obtained every type of potato chip known to man... that is every kind except the chips with ridges. Naturally, those were the ones that Becky wanted because they cause for optimum bean dip scoopability. Cue the prego moodswings. They're setting up the living room for Becky's childbirth class and she invites Joey and Danny to stay and they scoff until they catch a look at the babelicious lamaze instructor Lisa Green, played by Nurse Jennifer from "Saved By the Bell." I'm confused as to how old she is as she played a potential love interest to both Zack Morris and these two fools. I checked her IMDB page and she's apparently 42, and was 35/36 when she was on SBTB and FH. The more you knowwwww...

She tells them they need to be pregnant to attend class, and rather than point out that it's his house, Danny just makes up some cheesy flirtatious line. Joey does some Daffy Duck impression and she laughs. Jesse mutters something about good luck on making a choice between those winners. DJ comes down talking about her biggest crisis this week.

DJ launches into a presentation of "My Own Room: Together we can make it happen." It involves such points as Stephanie's constant interruptions (which she demonstates by interjecting her own comments mid-presentation), and the fact that DJ is in High school, whereas Stephanie and Michelle are both in elementary school, as they share a school, DJ reasons that they should share a room. Her final point is that Stephanie and Michelle are now the same exact ages that DJ and Stephanie were when they first moved into the same room together. Joey is blown away, and compares it to how Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln and Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and before he can continue, Jesse asks how it's possible that he can dress himself every day.

Stephanie is in her room lamenting to Comet that no one wants to live with her. Comet barks in response and she thanks him for the offer to move into the dog house with him. Hey now Steph, don't read too much into that bark.

Down at the birthing class, they are doing breathing exercises and using focus objects and Jesse tries to get Becky to use an Elvis doll and she refuses and instead he dangles what appears to be a giant roasted turkey leg in front of her face. Danny and Joey are still vying for Lisa's attentions and Danny boasts that if he seems experienced about child birthing it's because he's been through 4 births, his 3 daughters and his own. Joey pipes in that he cried when Fred and Wilma had Pebbles and does a Fred Flinstone-esque sob. And like, fucking really? You cried at that? Loser. Danny tries to impress Lisa with an impersonation of Tom the Mouse from "Tom & Jerry." Joey corrects him that Tom was the cat and that neither one ever spoke. Danny simply tells Joey "Get a life." Well played, Tanner.

Danny finally concedes defeat to Joey and acknowledges that they're actually kind of perfect for one another and I think Danny should consider himself lucky. This lady seems like a wack job. She says she'd love to go out for pizza with Joey whenever class is over... and then promptly ends class. Wow, way to let all the prego's get their money's worth. If I was all crazy pregnant and hormonal, I would cut a bitch for gypping me out of something I paid for.

It's snack time, aka Prego feeding time at the Tanner zoo. The ladies begin devouring the chips and bean dip and Becky suddenly has a craving for seedless watermelon. Jesse reasons that it's out of season and he'd have to drive all the way to Mexico for it, and she simply replies, "You have a car." God, I never want to be pregnant. I already have enough crazy in my life. Becky launches into a full-fledge hormonal crying fit and everyone, men and women, turns on Jesse. Becky asks Jesse if she's going to be normal again someday and he mutters, "I hope so." Me too, Jess. Pregnant hormonal Becky is not fun viewing.

Stephanie has now moved into the bathroom and Danny comes in and starts questioning whether or not his decision to change up the living arrangements might have been a bit premature. DJ panics at the prospect of losing her very own bedroom that she's been campaigning for for years, and asks Danny for some privacy to talk to Stephanie about it. DJ explains that Steph was a great roommate but she's older and really needs her own privacy. Stephanie concedes and they go to take on the UgSnot. DJ manages to sell Ug on living with Stephanie fairly easily, once they have Stephanie apologize for calling Michelle a "Kindergarten Baby" and they begin arguing about who's the boss, and DJ herds them out of the room and collapses onto the bed, basking in the glory of finally having her very own room.

"Stacy Q; she's so rad!" or DJ Tanner's Day Off (1.22)

As promised, I am back to blogging! And what better welcome back than an episode with a super cool guest star! It's Stacy Q! She's so rad!



DJ is dancing around her bedroom singing along to a Stacy Q song using her hairbrush as a microphone, when she is interrupted by Kimmy who comes in, turns off the music and busts out laughing at her. But, come on, who HASN'T danced around their bedroom/apartment/dorm belting out into their hairbrush? Kimmy shows DJ that she got a note to excuse her from school the next day so that she can go get Stacy Q's autograph from the mall. DJ reads the note aloud and I swear she says "Cammy" instead of "Kimmy." She asks if her mother wrote the note, and Kimmy says that she had to pay her brother $20 for it. The joke's on him, because she stole the money from his wallet.


Danny is getting ready to go to LA to cover a surfing competition for work. He provides Jesse and Joey with an extensive list of emergency phone numbers. J&J mock Danny for his paranoia and anal retentiveness. Danny goes down the line, hugging all of the girls and gushing about how much he'll miss them. He gets so carried away that he even hugs Kimmy. J&J tell the girls it's time for bed, and I'm so confused about the timeline of this show. What the hell time is it that Kimmy is coming over, but it's nearly bedtime? Right before he walks out the door, DJ asks Danny if he minds if she gets an autograph from Stacy Q. He says he doesn't mind at all, so she asks if he'll sign a note excusing her from school. Danny says no, and DJ attempts to argue that Kimmy can do it, so why can't she. Danny awesomely replies that there's a lot of things about Kimmy that he doesn't understand. Bwah! DJ insists that if she doesn't get Stacy Q's autograph, she'll die! She refuses to hug Danny, and instead sticks out her hand for a handshake and sternly says "Goodbye father." Danny laughs and pulls her in for a hug, then leaves. Kimmy is sympathetic and sorry that DJ didn't get the note signed, but DJ is determined and vows that she's not giving up yet.

Jesse is playing guitar in his room and singing a horrible song with idiotic, nonsensical lyrics. DJ comes in and pretends to love it and begins some hardcore sucking up. Jesse calls her on it, but is so flattered that whatever it is she's trying to get, he'll give it to her. Ugh, that sentence came off way dirtier than inteneded. DJ tells him that she's writing an essay for school about the person she admires most and says that she chose to write about him. Amazingly enough, Jesse buys this crock of shit, and she begins her interview by asking if Jesse ever ditched out of school. He tells her how he once cut school to go to the Rolling Stones' 5th or 6th farewell tour. Aren't concerts usually at nighttime? Would he really need to skip school for that? Sorry, nitpicking. DJ gets the specifics of his master plan and peaces out. Jesse can't believe that's the extent of the interview, so she asks what his favorite color is. For those of you assembling the FH trivia game at home, Uncle Jesse's favorite color is black.

The next morning, DJ is taking the necessary steps to dupe Joey with her fake illness. She creates the illusion of a fever of 101, a hot forehead, icy hands and moans that she's "siiiiick" (that's sick with 5 i's). Stephanie yells for Joey and tells him DJ's sick. DJ feigns a desire to go to school because she has a big test on "C-c-c-Canada." Joey leaves to go call the school, and DJ remarks to herself how "rad" she is.

Next scene DJ is bounding through the kitchen sporting warm hands and a cool head, ready and willing to go to school. Joey thinks he's got her all figured out. He thinks she was never sick to begin with and felt guilty for her deception so she was now willing to go to school. Well, you're about half right. DJ leaves and goes with Kimmy to go meet Stacy Q. She DOES seem pretty rad. She tells the girls "See you soon!" and DJ and Kimmy excitedly squeal "She wants to be our friend!" Suuuure. Just then, who should enter the store but Joey toting Ug on a leash (good to see the Tanners obey leash laws on their ugly mutt!). Naturally, Ug has to ruin DJ's master plan by crawling over to where her and Kimmy are crouched and hiding. And God DAMN is she a fugly toddler. I am literally disgusted by her.

Joey is furious, he came down to get DJ an autograph because he was so impressed with her honesty. He seizes her autograph and clips the leash onto her jean jacket and leads her out, to her major humiliation. That is pretty brutal. Joey calls Jesse home from work early citing an emergency. Jesse is unimpressed with the reason of "DJ cut school." Joey is outraged at the deception and Jesse isn't really buying it until he realizes that he unwittingly provided DJ with her master plan. When he realizes that he was duped by her story about an essay on the person she admires most. Both men come to the conclusion that DJ is a conniving little sneak. That's pretty harsh language for the FH universe. On a much more shallow note, I must comment how extremely foxy Jesse's looking in his exterminator uniform rocking a backwards red baseball cap. Hott.

Jesse begins lecturing the delinquent DJ and catches himself when he realizes that he's echoing the words of his father. J&J go back and forth trying to one-up each other with more extreme punishments and end up coming up with no television, music or friends over for a month. DJ laments that she hates herself for breaking the trust of Danny and the guys and to me, this scene reeks of insincerity and another scheme on her part... especially because it totally gets her off the hook. The guys even go so far as to vow to keep her misdeed a secret from Danny.

And just then, Danny returns home from LA speaking surfer and within a matter of moments, Stephanie completely blows their cover by asking DJ how she's feeling. The guys tell Danny that DJ was sick in the morning, but went off to school when she was feeling better. Again, Stephanie blows it by saying that she got all of DJ's homework from her teachers since she missed school. This is what bugs me, and I know it's for plot, but two grownass men and a proven conniver couldn't have thought of this as the cover story: DJ was sick in the morning, and started feeling better later in the afternoon, but by that time it was pointless to send her back to school. Maybe I'm just a far better liar than the Tanner clan.

Stephanie is particularly hurt by DJ's lies and betrayal, because she made her a Get Well card and was genuinely concerned for her sister's health. In retaliation for DJ's deception, she begins work on a Get Sick card. Bwah. I should start sending those out to my enemies. Danny comes in and launches into a classic Tanner lecture and tells DJ that the worst part of her lies was not just cutting school or tricking Stephanie, but that she acted selfishly and without any regard for all of the people who may have been hurt by her lies. Danny says that no matter what, he'll always love all of his girls the same, but then adds "I wish Michelle was here, she's my favorite!" He's laughing when he says it, so he's obviously joking, but it's so out of character for Danny to make a comment like that. Not to mention that Michelle is a big ball of ugly sucktitude. And the episode ends on that weirdly inappropriate remark, something I found that really odd.

"Alright, a nickel! Alright, a Cheeto!" or Stephanie Gets Framed (4.16)

Ug brushing her teeth. Spitting in Danny's hand. Yuck. Why? Who thought this would be cute? It's not! It's pointless... and kind of gross. Just open with credits, no one needs this inane scene!

More Ug! When will it end? She's attempting to yo-yo, but can't make it pop back up. DJ comes in and tells her that since she's opened her own savings account, she's giving her her old piggy bank. Ug brats that there's no money and DJ advises her to make cute faces (impossible, I know) and go up to people and say, "Please feed my piggy." She tries it on DJ and she gives her a quarter. Deej, I thought you were better than that.

Stephanie comes in with a note from her teacher for Danny to sign. Apparently she's been having trouble reading and her teacher suggests that she should get her eyes checked because she might need glasses. Ruh roh, nerd alert! (Save the hate mail and please note that as indicated in the photo to the left, I have glasses so just chill the fuck out, my hypersensitive bespectacled readers).

Wedding planning in the kitchen. They decide that the waiters at the reception should wear white gloves and ugh. Really? Why? Jesse thinks that was the final decision they needed to make and Becky gently reminds him that he needs to select a best man. Becky puts Jesse on the spot by calling the other guys into the kitchen and forcing him to make a decision. Jesse doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and ultimately selects Joey.

Later, Danny is singing "Hang down your head, Tom Dooley" and "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" and guilting the shit out of Jesse. They are interrupted by DJ and her token black friend Julie, running in trying to avoid Julie's cousin Steve. It turns out to be none other than "Family Matters" stud, Steve Urkel. Jesse and Danny try to derail him, and Steve totally calls Danny on his (non)best man bitterness.

Jesse tells Steve that he can't help but notice that he walks like the hanger is still in his shirt and resurrects his lecture on "the strut" from last episode. Steve begins to launch into his life story and Danny and Jesse point him in the direction of DJ and Julie because they can't take the Urkel anymore.

Joey comes in with Stephanie and her new glasses, and she's majorly bummed. She thinks that the compliments she's receiving are just because they're her family. Her self-deprecating views cause Jesse to feel some insecurities about his own dweebiness in glasses. I have to say, those are some pretty fug frames she's toting, but such were the times. I can't say that my first pair was really at the height of fashion. They covered approximately 25% of my face.

DJ and Julie thought they've lost the Urkel, but to no avail. Ug asks Steve why he talks like Mickey Mouse, and my, she's a rude little brat isn't she? He says it's because he's from Chicago. Stephanie says she doesn't feel like having company, so Steve herds the girls out. He hangs behind to give her a pep talk about the wonders of spectacles. He says that in a class of 30, "there may be 15 or 20 misguided souls" who'll mock her glasses. Heh.

Jesse tries sucking up to Danny by offering to go clean grout with him. Danny knows he's just trying to be nice, and Jesse calls Joey into the room. He says he made a mistake and should have asked both of them to be his best men to begin with. They're mondo stoked that neither one has to be the dreaded head usher.

At school, Stephanie's teacher totally calls her out at Silent Reading time by announcing to the class that she got new glasses. After being put on center stage, Steph tries to deflect the attention off of her new glasses by busting out some joke glasses and making light of the situation before anyone can mock her. Her teacher gets pissed and it's like, come on lady, you know how kids are. Let her do what she needs to to save face.

Michelle's hunting for change in the sofa and finds a stale ass cheeto that she eats. Ewwww, gross. She hears the ice cream truck and desperately tries to get her money out. Dj tells her that she's supposed to be saving, not spending, and tells her there's some fudgsicles in the freezer. She whines that it's not the same. Fuck you bitch, I love fudgsicles! Joey comes in asking if he heard the ice cream truck, and DJ tells him that he just missed them. She also offers up the fudgsicles, and he complains that it's not the same.

Joey pops his head into Stephanie's room to see what she's up to. She's writing lines for school that read: "I will not disrupt the class." Joey asks what that's all about and she says she wanted to beat the kids to the punch and make it so she was laughing with them, and they weren't laughing at her. She tells him he can get his joke glasses back at the end of the school year. Joey makes her take a good look at herself in the mirror and shows her that she doesn't look that terrible, and that glasses give her an air of maturity.

I dunno, I still think those frames are pretty fug.

"I'll bet that if you don't give my money back, you're gonna die!" or Just One of the Guys (1.18)

Time to fill in all of the gaps of the first go-round... well except for the last episode that I was too tired to pay attention to. Oh well, who doesn't love a little Kirk Cameron action?

Squeee! Kirk Cameron guest-starring on FH! He plays Steve, Danny's nephew who is a few years older than D.J. but used to be her best friend every time he came to visit. D.J. tells Kimmy that he has glasses, braces and a face full of zits, but that he's a ton of fun. When he arrives, his face is cleared up, he got contacts and his braces were taken off. Now he's the massive pre-Born Again Christian hunky incarnation of Kirk Cameron.

D.J. asks Steve to go ice-skating and he shoots her down in favor of basketball with the guys. You can see that D.J.'s a little hurt but she brushes it off.

Later D.J., Kimmy and Stephanie make lunch for the guys and D.J. tells Kimmy that she found all these pictures from THanksgiving 2 years ago nd she wants to show them to Steve and reminisce about the good times. The guys come in hungry after their game and swoop in and pick up lunch and move into the living room to watch the Celtics-Lakers game (GO CELTICS!). Kimmy departs on a quest for pickles for Steve.

While watching the game, Joey bets Jesse a dollar that Magic steals the ball from... someone, and obviously he does. He makes a more elaborate and intricate prediction and Jesse and everyone else is blown away... until Stephanie remarks that she's so impressed because Joey didn't know that any of those things were going to happen when they watched the game together this morning. Jesse pops a cassette out of the VCR and threatens to bludgeon Joey with it unless he gets his money back.

Ug's cries drift downstairs and Steve offers to go check on the brat. Danny thanks him and then doubts his experience with babies, but since he secretly hates Ug, he'll allow a 17 year old boy with no infant knowledge to handle things. Joey comments that Steve's a great kid and Danny thanks J&J for being so good to Steve and helping provide a manly environment for him to thrive in since his father apparently peaced out not too long ago.

Up in Ug's nursery, Steve's clueless and D.J. is there to decode Michelle's piercing cries and teach him how to put on diapers, and once again asks him to go ice skating, sweetening the deal with an invite to eat pizza and go to a boy-girl party. Steve tells her that he's too old to do those kinds of things and says he already has plans to go to the Warriors game with Danny. Danny then comes in and announces that the next day they'll all be going to the park for a picnic and some touch football and calls Steve to come watch the Bull-Pistons game (I'M INDIFFERENT TO BOTH!), leaving D.J. to deal with stinky baby. She plops the newly diapered Michelle down in a chair and asks her what she thinks of her cousin Steve. Michelle gurgles in response and D.J. laments that Steve has turned into a big jock who has no time for her anymore. Sad music.

D.J. is in the living room with J&J where they are teaching her the fundamentals of football. She's loving it and getting really into the machismo of [manly voice] FOOTBALL!!! [/end manly voice] At the park, the family's lounging while Jesse plays on the guitar and wearing a really poor choice in headwear. Kimmy offers Steve another sandwich and he declines, and D.J. butts in spouting off a bunch of random sports statistics. She's met with stares from everyone and breaks the tension by suggesting they play some football.

Danny and Jesse are captains (because it's Danny's ball and Jesse's hair looks like a helmet) and Danny's team is Steve, Kimmy and Steph. Jesse's team is D.J., Michelle, and Joey... but they need to spot them a touchdown. Jesse's team strikes first, and Kimmy consoles Steve with an ass slap. Ha, I love Kimmy. Steve tells the girls to sit out so they guys can play some "real" football, but how real is it going to be with 4 people? D.J. gets all fired up by this rampant display of sexism and tackles intended receiver Steve with a pass interference. Bitch laid him OUT!

D.J. flips a shit when they call a penalty and bursts out that Danny should just adopt Steve already, because it's pretty obvious that's what he wants. She runs off and Kimmy's there to break the tension with another ass slap.

Danny talks to D.J. and he tries to explain that since Steve's father moved out, it's important for Steve to have time with the guys and D.J. parrots back all of the information and says that it's all well and good, except when you're a girl and you want to spend some time with your formerly favorite cousin.

Back at the house, D.J. is sitting in her room moping when Steve knocks on the door. He came up to talk to her about why she "clobbered" (his words, not mine. I don't think I've ever used the word "clobber" in a conversational sense) him during the touch football game. She says that she was mad at him because she was so looking forward to his visit and he didn't want anything to do with her. He wouldn't even go ice-skating (the nerve!) and she misses "the OLD Steve." He says he's still the same and it's just that the age difference of 17 and 11 feels like a really big deal right now, but when they're much older (like 100 and 94) it won't matter. They try starting over and make plans to go ice-skating and, what else? Hug it out. Bye Steve! We'll never see you again!

Scott Baio is 28... and guest starring on "Full House" or Dr. Dare Rides Again (3.9)

Danny and Becky are preparing to go cover fashion week in Los Angeles, leaving the girls in the care of Jesse & Joey. It is inevitable that hijinks will ensue. Joey is already off to a great start making incredibly gross looking messy ice cream sundaes. Stephanie feeds Michelle's to Comet (Ha!) which unfortunately leads to UgTot's ever so "hilarious" mispronounciation of "owce cweam."

The doorbell rings and Joey leaves to answer it. The studio audience (or at least the sound machine that plays the audience noises) goes wild when the door is opened and the 1980s stud of studs Scott Baio is standing there. He asks for Jesse and Joey tells him that he's in the kitchen "with the girls." Joey leads him to the kitchen where Uncle J is leading the girls in a rousing rendition of "The Farmer in the Dell." Obviously these weren't the kind of girls Scott had in mind. He joins in the sing-along and thoroughly busts on Jess for this display. Jesse is ecstatic to be reunited with his good pal of yore, Pete Bianco, and explains how they met fighting over a set of twins until they realized that duh, there were two of them.

Pete just returned from Europe and is in town to relive the glory days. He refers to Jesse as Dr. Dare, a nickname he received for never turning down a dare. Pete challenges Jesse to keep up with him for 2 days. Cut to the two guys going hog wild with a sing-along of "Louie Louie" in Jesse's room. They don't even know the words aside from the chorus, and I totally scoff at the notion that they're legit musicians. I mean, I don't know the words per say, but if I was a musician and was planning to sing it, you can bet your ass I'd google that shit first. The music obviously wakes the girls up and we're "treated" to an UgTot dance.

Jesse tells Joey that him and Pete are riding up to Lake Tahoe, but to not worry because they'll be back for the party they're throwing. There's a dumb scene in which they persuade Michelle to forgive Comet the puppy for eating her "owce cweam." Ugh. If only he ate her face. After that boring transitionary scene, the party kicks off at the Tanner's. Danny and Pete go back and forth boring all of the party-goers with tales of their youthful indiscretions. A 90s-Hot (not to be confused with actually hot, just a chick who was probably considered hot for this particular time era) blonde is in attendance and Joey tries to hit on her until she reveals herself as Donna, Jesse's old girlfriend.

The guys' old band, "Feedback" is back together for one night only, and I recognize the drummer as one of the guys reincarnated in The Rippers. They begin singing "Shout" and Baio's lip-synching the deep bass voice part is painfully obvious. Like, put a little effort into creating the illusion there, Scotty. Joey somehow convinces everyone in the party to partake in some ridiculously idiotic dance moves, including "The Alligator." Stephanie is horrified and asks D.J. if she's ever seen anything like this dance before. D.J. awesomely quips, "Once, when a bee flew into Dad's shorts."

Jesse begins dancing with Donna a bit and wouldn't you know that Becky and Danny choose that exact moment to walk into the house. Whoops! Becky is obviously PISSED, and her and Danny are rocking some seriously dated Fashionista makeovers. Somehow they managed to slick back Bob Saget's not very longish hair into a greasy ponytail. He asks the girls what they think of their "new rad, bad Dad." No comment. Becky and Danny volunteer to put the girls to bed, and Becky suggests that Jesse say goodnight to Donna.

Pete then pulls out a videotape of Jesse playing out one of his Dr. Dare fantasies by riding a motorcyle along the edge of a building. Does anyone else find it a little weird that Pete's just carrying around a home movie of his friend? Just me then? Pete engages in a little good-natured ribbing, but it gets Jesse's panties in a twist and he leaves to go recreate his stunt flogged by his groupies. Becky comes downstairs and Joey fills her in on what happened and they go to stop him.

On top of the roof, Becky manages to talk Jesse out of the stunt and her, Joey and Pete all take turns hitting Jesse on the arm for being a total dumbass. It's at this point, after Jesse nearly kills himself attempting another stunt, that Pete tells Jesse that he's more sensible now and that he has a good thing going now, and he loves him even if he's more Dr. Seuss than Dr. Dare. He affectionately refers to him as a "Dirtbucket Filthball" and it's adios to Pete Bianco, Jesse's "best friend" who will never be heard from again.

Back at the house, Jesse is in his bedroom and D.J. enters to talk to him. Christ, what time of night is it that she's still up? She tells him that she's glad he didn't go through with his crazy stunt and says that sometimes, "it takes more courage to say no." Jesse, that self-indulgent ego-maniac, asks where D.J. learned such sage advice, knowing full well that he was the one who told her. She says goodnight and leaves Jesse alone in his room where he plays a rocking guitar riff and smirks to himself that he's still got it.