"I wonder if he has an older brother." or Silence is Not Golden (6.17)

Just to preface, this is probably up in my top ten favorite FH episodes of all time (Maybe one day I'll actually assemble this vague list I've made reference to), so it will be hard for me to hate on, but I'm sure I'll find a way.

UgSnot and Denise are watching TV with a Funny Buddy commercial. For only $2 a minute, they can buy a crappy joke that nobody will laugh at. This tedious scene is also accompanied by an extremely annoying laugh from both girls. Denise says she asked her dad for permission to call because she's not a manipulative little shit; on the flip side, UgSnot got "permission" from Danny because she asked him while he was vacuuming. God, she sucks.

At school, Stephanie is talking to the Jennifers, one of which is TOPANGA! God, I FLOVED "Boy Meets World." And I'm talking about Flove with all sincerity, no snark. Brilliant show. Anyway, the girls are interrupted by the class lowlife Charles who makes this snappy assessment: "2 Jennifers and a Stephanie: 3 people, 1 brain, no personality!" Zing! Stephanie shoots right back with "What do you think of the human race?... We'd like an outsider's opinion." Finally their teacher breaks it up, and segues to a writing assignment she just came up with on the spot: finding the best in people. The goal is to interview each other and find the best qualities in one another, and for inspiring the assignment, Stephanie and Charles will be partners.

Back at the house, DJ, Steve and Kimmy are hanging around the kitchen table and Jesse comes in to be his hip Uncle self. Turns out Jesse and Steve both have to read and write a book report on Catcher in the Rye and whine about it. Dude, it's not even that long of a book. Everyone ignores DJ when she tells them to just suck it up and read the damn book and instead opt for the Gibbler method. No, not rent the movie (that IS the Gibbler method, but it's not on video). But the OTHER Gibbler method: each reading half of the book, just like she did with Cathy!Santoni! for their report on Much Ado About Nothing. DJ quips that Cathy read "much ado" while Kimmy read nothing.

Joey comes in with the twins who he just took from the playground. He empties their shoes of all the sand, and says he just doesn't know what it is about sandboxes as he empties his own loafer of a bucketful of sand. Haha get it? Because Joey's just a big kid. Ugh. You suck, Gladstone. To make this scene go from bad to worse, Ug and Denise come in with Funny Buddy's joke of the the day: "What did one penny say to the other? Let's get together and make some sense/cents!" Ugh. I thought I hated puns, but it turns out I hate UgPuns even more!

Steph comes home from school and is venting to Dannny about Charles, "the Obnoxitron." Danny thinks Steph must be exaggerating and he can't be that bad. DJ and Kimmy come in and Steph turns to her eldest sister for advice citing her experience with someone rude and crude. Kim awesomely and confusedly asks, "Deej, do you have a friend I don't know about?!" DJ tells Stephanie that if she just spends some time with and gets to know them, they might not be so bad. Kimmy still doesn't get it and is getting frustrated, "Who IS this person?!" Danny tries to provide an anecdote about a guest he and Becky had on the show, but it turns out that nope, some people are just jerks.

Charles arrives and Stephanie, ever the apple polisher, says it's nice to see him. Charles flatly retorts, "Yeah, wish I felt the same." He steamrolls right ahead and when he sees Danny, "I see where you get your looks" "Thanks." "I didn't say good looks." Bwah! After they leave to go upstairs, Danny relents that maybe there isn't good in everyone, and Becky adds that Charles needs to be taught some manners. Kimmy on the other hand, is salivating and wants to know if he has an older brother. God, I love Kimmy.

For the record, let it be known that badass Charles is rocking a black backpack with what appears to be hot pink piping.

While Stephanie and Charles are getting underway on their assignment, Ug comes in to tell Steph she's in big trouble with Danny for forgetting to take out trash and that he'll deal with her later. And that little brat is relishing in the thought way too much. Go away Ug. Charles' demeanor softens a bit and tells Stephanie to think of something funny because that always helps him when he's getting it. Stephanie isn't getting what "it" is, and Charles clarifies he mmeans getting pounded by his dad. Steph still isn't quite getting it, and asks if he means his dad hits him. Charles refuses to say anything else until they both learn that they have dead mothers in common. Charles admits he gets hit sometimes but its his own fault for ticking his dad off. Turns out last week, ol' Chuck was sporting a black eye from "walking into a door... a door named dad." Steph urges him to tell someone, but he makes her promise to keep his secret. Just then, Charles looks down at his watch and panics when he realizes he's going to be late and didn't phone his dad. He runs off and cue the sappy music as we zoom in on conflicted, pensive Stephanie.

The next day Charles isn't in school, and Stephanie's teacher tells her she'll be getting a new partner because Charles had an accident. Steph is immediately worried and asks her teacher for me details, and learns that he "fell down the stairs." A distressed look washes across Stephanie's face and for a moment it looks as though she's going to tell her teacher about Charles' home life, but backs away to keep her promise.

Becky, DJ, Steve & Kimmy are in the kitchen and UgSnot and Denise come in with more of their lame jokes that no one wants to hear. The teens go so far as to outwardly groan and Becky makes them listen and pretend to laugh. Today's gem? "What's a frog's favorite soda? CROAK-a-cola!" Now I'm groaning. Jesse comes in to go over their respective halves of Catcher in the Rye with Steve. Steve's dingbat synopsis of the entire first half is "Funny man." Lesson learned, next time the guys should read the whole book themselves. Reading half is like stopping eating a pizza after only six slices. Oh Steve, you and your impending heart failure. Jesse relays it's like the time he walked in halfyway through Tootsie, and asked himself "Who is this ugly woman?" Steve, dim as all get out tells him, "Hey you know in Tootsie, that was a guy." It looks like Jesse's brain hurts.

Danny just got the phone bill and it's astronomical due to all the Funny Buddy charges. Knowing what a hack comic Joey is, Danny goes to confront him. Joey is immediately defensive and says every time someone leaves cheese in the hamper it's his fault. I don't even wanna know, Gladstone. Danny retorts, "The gouda was in your pants!" "Oh, like you never left a wedge of cheese in your pants!" Actually, I can proudly say that I haven't, Joey. So Joey may leave cheese in the hamper, but he didn't call no Funny Buddy.

Ug and Denise come in with another joke, "How do you know an elephant's been in your refrigerator?" But oh snap! Danny's got the punchline! "By the footprints in the butter." Okay, that's not even like remotely funny. Danny busts Ug for the calls and when he finds out she knew they cost money but did it anyway (on account of she's soulless) he's pissed. She tries to get off by saying she'll never do it again and tries to dip out, but Danny says sometimes saying your sorry isn't enough. Because Ug just doesn't know when to quit being a little shit, she brats that sometimes it is. Danny sends her up to her room, and says her bedtime will be an hour early all week, no buts.

Ug stomps upstairs angrily and holy shit! Danny actually showed a spine to Princess Michelle, but this one time event was just a means to foil the Charles situation. Ug is running her mouth off about how mean and terrible Danny is, and Stephanie tells her to STFU. They're bickering goes back and forth as they get louder.

Uncle Jesse, finally attempting to read Catcher in the Rye in its entirety, hears the commotion and storms in to break it up, calling the girls Itchy and Scratchy (w00t w00t, "Simpsons" shout-out! How pop culture savvy!). Jesse pretty much says Ug was punished for good reason, and to suck it up. Man, why couldn't all episodes have the adults not taking shit from Michelle like this? Jesse then notices Steph is still worked up about how lucky they are to have a father like Danny because some kids get it much worse. Jesse asks where all of this is coming from, but Stephanie doesn't want to say. Jesse tells her to use common sense and her best judgment. She asks him to keep a secret and he tells her he cant keep it unless he knows what it is. Stephanie laments that that's what she should have told Charles. Finally she caves and tells him about Charles' father, and Jesse is immediately incensed and says they have to report this, or else he's going to go beat Mr. Abuser's ass himself. Stephanie protests, but Jesse explains if they don't say anything they're only helping the abuse happen again, and what will happen to Charles if they don't tell is worse than if they do.

A week later, Charles is still not back in school and Stephanie is concerned. Jesse tells her that he made some calls and found out that Charles was put in foster family. Stephanie angrily lashes out at Jesse, but he shoots that misdirected anger right down because it's not their fault, because they weren't the ones hurting Charles. Stephanie wonders why, if it's not her fault, does she feel so lousy. Jesse sadly tells her it's because it's a lousy situation. He awesomely tells her, "I know how hard it was, but thanks to you, thanks to Stephanie, Charles' father can't hurt him tonight." Aww, I kind of love when the guys are awesome at this parenting stuff.

Steph just can't wrap her brain around why Charles' father was so mean, and Jesse says he can't understand how anyone could hurt their child. I'm not ashamed to say that this whole scene is very touching, and I may or may not be a little verklempt. DJ interrupts this tender moment to tell them that Danny's home and it's time for dinner. Steph goes into the kitchen and gives Danny a big hug and kiss, just because. Danny says he'll take a free hug any time and Jesse looks on shmoopily and its hard for me to really hate on a Steph-centric episode where she once again proves how awesome a kid she is... especially compared to UgSnot.

"Mmm it's wet and cold and... that's about it." or Shape Up (4.8)

Blah blah, Ug woke up Uncle Jesse so he could give her her favorite cereal Fiber Bears, which appears to be a bowlful of chocolate Teddy Grahams (Side note: Mmmmmm I LOVE chocolate Teddy Grahams with a nice tall glass of icy cold milk, but I digress...). Turns out that Ug only wanted the cereal to retrieve the prize awaiting inside. I can't help but feel that this plot device has been recycled about 6 different times throughout the series. Haw Haw we get it, sometimes kids just want products for the prizes and gimmicks and not for the taste. Got it. She tells Jesse to make her two eggs over easy, and he's all "I'll over easy you!" and blah blah incest-cakes.

DJ's working on a collage birthday card for Kimmy and munching on some Entemens cookies in her room and Stephanie comes in toting her brand new recorder. Man, I used to love rocking out on the recorder in elementary school. She asks DJ is she has a request to which Deej replies, "Yes. Don't play." Stephanie launches into "On Top of Old Smokey" but one of the notes is coming out sharp and off-key. More on that later. Kimmy comes in with an invitation to her surprise birthday party that she's throwing for herself at the Excelsior Hotel where her brother Garth is a bellboy. DJ is miffed that Kimmy's having a pool party in the middle of November because she doesn't feel like she has a banging bikini bod a la Kimmy. Um, no comment.

DJ tapes up photographs models on the refrigerator as motivation and Becky comes in and inquires in a concerned tone if she's trying to lose weight. She just tells her that she needs to eat sensibly and cut out the junk food. Cue Jesse coming in with a boxful of cake samples for the family to try to weigh in their opinions for which kind of chocolate cake they should get for the wedding. DJ declines the offer of cake in favor of a delicious frozen water pop. Mm ice cube on a stick.

Ug can't resist the temptation to chow down on some cake, and piggishly lunges across the table and begins grubbing up all the cake. Nobody stops her of course, because Michelle can do whatever the fuck she wants, and she destroys all of the samples in a matter of seconds, and when asked which cake she preferred, simply replies "Chocolate." Great, except there were about a dozen different chocolate varieties. It's supposed to be cute and funny, but it just pisses me off because what a waste. Stupid shit.

It's weigh-in time, DJ's least favorite time of day. Stephanie offers her some weigh-in music, more "On Top of Old Smokey" with the one sharp note. DJ is bummed to learn that over the course of two days she's only lost half a pound. Jesse comes in and tells Stephanie to have mercy on his ears with her off-key recorder stylings. He offers to show her how to properly play it, but the note comes up sharp for him. Just then, Ug comes in to bitch about the "music", and Jesse blows into the recorder full force and shoots out a piece of chewed gum onto Ug's forehead! Bwah! That scene alone makes this episode amazing. Jesse tells DJ that she doesn't need to diet, and she should just hit up the gym if she wants to lose weight.

The next day, DJ and Kimmy come in and Kimmy shows off her new bathing suit for the party. It's a loud printed bikini and Danny comments that the suit matches the wearer's personality. He gives DJ a sandwich because she missed lunch, and once he's out of the room, she tries to pawn it off on Kimmy. We see Stephanie lurking on the stairway as Kimmy complains that the sandwich is ham again. She says that she's been eating her lunch for the past week and every day it's ham. She asks if Danny hit a pig with his car or something. She leaves and DJ feeds the sandwich to Comet and then Stephanie comes down to bust her. She says that she hasn't been eating breakfast or lunch for 3 days and voices her concern. DJ makes Stephanie pinkie swear promise to not tell anyone that she hasn't been eating and tells her that she'll start eating again after the pool party.

The next day the entire Tanner clan hits up the gym. Danny tells DJ to take it easy and start on level one. Becky and Stephanie go to their aerobics class, and the guys take Michelle to the kiddie gym. As soon as she's left alone we see DJ change the difficult level from 1 to 75 on a machine with skill levels of 1-100.

The guys see the crew of hot ladies attending aerobics class and decide to give it a shot. They can't hack it and make for a pretty pathetic display. And that was just the warm-up. Stephanie goes to grab DJ to show her the hilarious display, and we see her working it on the Stairmaster dripping with sweat. She gets off the machine and immediately stumbles and falls to the floor. Stephanie panics and yells for Danny who comes running. The guys give her water and take her home.

That night, it's dinner time and DJ comes down refreshed from a nap. She claims she just brushed her teeth and doesn't want to taste Joey's cooking and then tries to duck out by saying she's eating dinner at the Gibbler's. As the family continues to prod and ask questions, DJ's demeanor becomes more irritable. Stephanie finally tires of the lies and steps up to break the pinkie swear and tells Danny not to believe her. She tells him that DJ is cranky and got dizzy at the gym because she hasn't eaten for 3 days. The family immediately jumps in concern and tries to tell DJ that what she's doing is unhealthy and is the stepping stone to a more serious eating disorder and inflicting serious damage to herself.

She runs uptairs with Danny in tow. She cries that she doesn't look like a model, and complains about her round face and "Charlie Brown cheeks." I actually snorted and laughed out loud at that assessment because that's one of the most bizarre comparisons I've ever heard. Charlie Brown cheeks, wha? Danny tells her that she's beautiful and that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. She says she doesn't want to wear a bathing suit in front of her friends, and he asks her if she judges her friends based on how they look in a bathing suit. He tells her that her friends love her for who she is, and not how she looks, and makes her promise to eat healthy and exercise in a safe and responsible manner. She agrees, they hug, and if only eating disorders were that simple to conquer.

"You feeling alright out there?... We'll take care of that." or Just Say No Way (3.21)

Jesse gives the girls some chocolate moo juice, heavy on the chocolate, easy on the moo. Joey presents Michelle with a Raffi tape and they pop it into the baby boom box as Stephanie, Danny and Joey do a little song and dance routine to "Baby Beluga." I'm pretty sure I can still sing that entire song, and I almost linked it here but didn't want to get it stuck in your heads. Jesse stops and ponders when his life reached this G-rating status.

DJ and Kimmy come in and blow through the kitchen, not stopping to talk because they have to plan the school dance. Danny asks them when they plan on doing their homework and DJ says her's is almost done... and by almost done she means almost started. Heh.

Kimmy hangs up the phone and tells DJ that they've booked DogFace, a high school band, for the dance. Apparently the dance is a backwards dance, where the girls ask the guys. Kimmy and Stephanie urge DJ to invite Kevin, but she's chickenshit, so Stephanie ends up doing it for her. She's going to kill her until she finds out that KEvin accepted. Suddenly they're best friends again.

Ug is listening to "Baby Beluga" non-stop and driving Stephanie crazy. She tells Joey to be the one to change the song, but Ug won't let him, and because everyone insists upon catering to a toddler, he gives up fairly easily. It's time for the dance, everyone coos over DJ's uber 90s black bodysuit/pantsuit with a black cropped jacket with silver accessories. It's not too heinous given the time period. Kimmy arrives and tells DJ that DogFace bailed, so DJ begs Jesse to serve as the replacement band. Kevin shows up to pick up DJ and thanks Steph for inviting him. She asks if he has any younger brothers at home for her.

At the dance, Kevin meanders over to the punch bowl and tells two other guys, Paul and Sam, how socially awkward he is, especially when compared with the social butterfuly DJ, and they tell him to follow them out to the hall. I smell trouble.

Jesse is horrified to see his backup band is the school's marching band. He calls over the mic for DJ to report to the stage immediately. He's not pleased with the arrangement and DJ begs him to give the band a chance. HE agrees because he wants to really earn his 20 bucks.

DJ introduces the band and Jesse tells her to not use any names, so she calls them the "No Names." Heh. He starts playing some "Wild Thing" and the marching band chimes in and for what it's worth, they're not really all that bad. Granted, they're no DogFace. Jesse's discomfort and embarrassment is obvious and Kimmy declares that he's not worth 20 bucks. Ouch. DJ offers the only smattering of applause as they finish the first tune.

Later in the night, Jesse's really getting into his performance, even rocking out with one of the feathered band caps, and DJ cuts him off from their finale of "Stars and Stripes Forever" by telling him that they finally found a stereo. DJ asks Kimmy where Kevin is and she goes off to find him, figuring that he was hiding from the horrific band. She finds him in the hall with his two toolish friends drinking beers in the hallway. One of the guys sprays DJ down with a can of beer and Kevin goes to get her some paper towels to clean up.

She seizes the can from the other dorks and proceeds to launch into a lecture of Danny Tanner proportions. She really is her father's daughter. Just as she's holding the beer and mockingly saying how cool it is to drink beer, Jesse comes up behind her. The other boys quickly run off and tell DJ that they're only 13 and don't want any beer. She's confused until Uncle Jesse barks out, "DJ Tanner!" She turns around and realizes what's in her hand and the music before commercial shows that she's totally in deep shit now. Uncle Jesse totally doesn't buy it when DJ says that it was the guys drinking and not her and takes her home.

Back at the house, UgTot is STILL listening to "Baby Beluga"... that is until her tape deck craps out. Bwah! She starts yelling her head off and Joey, Danny and Steph rush in. Joey goes to repair the tape deck until Steph and Danny hold him back. Ug won't stop whining, so the trio launches into another performance of "Baby Beluga." Why must people insist upon catering to a 4 year old?

Jesse and DJ come in arguing, yelling for Danny, and Danny comes down to see what all the fuss is about. Jesse tells him that he caught DJ drinking beer at the dance and DJ protests, saying that she knows drinking is stupid and wrong. Unfortunately for Deej, Danny can smell the beer that was sprayed all over her, and sends her to her room while he talks with Uncle Jesse. She's livid that Danny would take Jesse's side over his own daughter, and tearfully and angrily runs to her room.

Yeah, she smelled like beer, but it was just on her clothes. Why don't one of these guys smell her breath or take into account that she's completely lucid and not inebriated?

DJ throws herself onto her bed crying and furious that the guys didn't believe her. Stephanie comes over and asks what happened and tells DJ that she believes her. Down in the kitchen, Danny is freaking out that drinking is even an issue when DJ's only 13. JEsse and Joey tell him how things are different nowadays, and there are a lot more temptations out there for kids DJ's age. Stephanie comes down and tells the guys that whatever they are accusing DJ of, she didn't do because she was crying, and it wasn't tears of remorse, it was tears of the wrongfully accused. Danny starts to head upstairs to talk to her, but Stephanie informs them that DJ had Mrs. Gibbler pick her up to take her back to the dance to prove her innocence. Jesse takes this as a sign that everything he's saying is right, first DJ lies, then is caught with beer, and now she's sneaking out. Jesse and Danny go to the school to get to the bottom of all of this and Joey offers to stay at home and hold down the fort.

Back at the dance, Dj runs into Kimmy who tells her that Kevin and the other tools were caught with beer and their parents are on their way. Kevin finds DJ and apologizes, and she asks why he even felt the need to drink. He says that he was nervous and the tools told him it would help him loosen up. She says that she had more fun with the old Kevin, and that her father thinks she was drinking. He apologizes again, and his father comes to take him home.

On Kevin's walk out, he runs into Jesse and Danny and stops to tell Danny that it was him and his friends drinking and that DJ was trying to stop them. Jesse asks Danny to wait outside while he goes into talk to DJ and apologize for getting angry and not believing her. He explains the emotions he felt when he saw her with beer in her hand, and she understands that the situation looked bad. He says that as she gets older, she'll be faced with more difficult decisions about not only alcohol but drugs and sex (oo! They said SEX!). He laments that DJ can't stay young and innocent and be safe forever, but he hopes that down the road she'll continue to exercise the same good judgement she used tonight. They walk off together as the inspirational music concludes our very special episode.