Monday, March 31, 2008

"I love it when you talk clean to me." or Terror in Tanner Town (4.10)

Same shit, different episode. Becky's having Jesse try on a tux with tails and a top hat as part of the process of selecting wedding attire, and who should they ask to weigh in with her expert opinion? None other than fug. Naturally, that's the person I would go to for fashion advice. She tells Jesse he looks very handsome (repeating the line Becky fed to her earlier) and she tries on the top hat and comments that he has a big head. Becky passive aggressives a "you got that right", and roll those credits.

The back doorbell rings and it's an attractive blonde woman dropping off Danny's drycleaning. She informs him that she got the mustard stain out by marginizing, and that's enough to give Danny a boner (hey, it doesn't take much), and they kiss. Turns out this woman is Cindy, Danny's new girlfriend and Danny comments how much he prefers her to his former dry cleaner, Julio. He says she should bring her son Rusty over to meet the family, and Cindy tries to tell him that he hasn't been adjusting well post-divorce, but Danny is persistent and insists upon forcing their families to meet (prematurely).

Danny is prepping the family to meet Cindy, and arranges them from the tallest to smallest and Jesse asks if they're in a Julie Andrews movie. This prompts the family to spontaneously burst into bits from "Doe, a Deer." They continue the song for Cindy and Rusty. Over lunch, Danny tells Cindy about Jesse and Becky's engagement and she asks where they're getting married, and apparently they haven't settled on a location, she wants Nebraska, he wants Graceland and haven't they had this argument like 500 times during the course of their relationship with regards to holidays, etc.?

Cindy gets a page and goes to call work, and do dry-cleaners really need to be on-call? Suddenly, once Cindy leaves, strange things keep happening at lunch. Someone unscrewed the top off of the salt shaker, punched a hole in the milk carton, tucked the tablecloth into Danny's pants. Jesse and Danny are quick to look to Joey to blame for these pranks because apparently he has a history of doing such things... especially at the Sizzler. In the girls room, Rusty gives them trick gum and reveals that he was behind all of the pranks and like, ew, really? He tucked the tablecloth into Danny's pants, that's pretty... yikes. His motto is: If you fall for it, you deserve it. I'm inclined to agree.

Danny comes in and says Cindy wanted Danny to put Rusty in a taxi and send him to the cleaners because she was going to be tied up all afternoon, but Danny insisted upon keeping the little bugger around, much to the chagrin of DJ and Stephanie. He invites Rusty to toss the ol' pigskin around in the backyard, and DJ and Stephanie make a pact to not tattle on Rusty, only because Danny likes Cindy so much.

Rusty spouts some BS about Danny being his idol a la Joe Montana, and aims his pass towards a mud puddle that Danny dives into. He walks up looking like he lost a battle with one of Michelle's diapers and cuts the game short to hit the showers.

Jesse and Becky are arguing about wedding plans, he doesn't want to have a stuffy formal event at a 4H club and she doesn't want to get married in the world's largest souvenir stand. Jesse wants to have their wedding song be "Jailhouse Rock" which Becky is completely against, but SPOILER they actually DO end up having their first dance to a balladized version of "Jailhouse Rock" sung by Jesse himself, so YOU LOSE, Becky! Eventually in all their bickering, they realize that they are both in agreement about serving chicken and are ecstatic over finding some common foundation to build their wedding plans off of.

Rusty busts in on them as they're kissing and yells "Whoa! Tongue Town, USA!" He attempts to mess with Jesse's hair products and Jesse tells him he's aware that he's behind all the pranks and sends him on his bratty way. Rusty tied the doorknobs of Jesse and the girls' rooms together with a jump rope so that none of them can get out. He stands in the hallway smirking as we hear the cries of Jesse, Becky, DJ and Stephanie hollering his name.

Rusty tries to trick DJ and Stephanie with his kaleidoscope and they tell him to sod off while they go give Comet a bath. They're even gracious enough to offer to share some of their flea powder with him. Ug wanders downstairs and uses the kaleidoscope leaving a ring of black ink or paint around her eye. Rusty uses the roast planned for dinner to lure a soap covered Comet to run through the house, followed by DJ and Stephanie.

Danny hears all of the yelling and commotion and comes down to see what's going on, and he is hesitant to believe that Rusty was behind all of the tricks, until he takes the towel off of his head to reveal that his hair's been dyed green. He sits Rusty down, and Rusty says that he knows Danny just wants to be "friends" with Cindy and not him, and that he thinks his mom and dad are getting back together. Danny's pretty much like "Nope. Not gonna happen" and I'm actually pretty surprised at the lack of sensitivity Danny shows here. He's not completely callous, more matter of fact, but maybe I'm just sensitive because I'm a child of divorce. I mean, even if him and Cindy had discussed at length how over her marriage was, and despite how much Danny wants to be with her, it's not his place to lay it down like that for Rusty.

Cindy comes in and finds out that Rusty was up to no good, although Danny did try to cover Rusto's ass and didn't rat him out. She assumes that Danny doesn't want to see her again, and Danny says that it will take more than a green head to keep him from wanting to see her... and Rusty. Yup, he's even willing to put up with the little turd burglar. That's how badly Danny Tanner needs to get laid.

The girls are enjoying ice cream sodas and have made one for Rusty. He's somewhat wary of their generosity and decides he's better off making his own beverage because he suspects they snuck some dog food into his. They direct him to the large cupboard to get a glass where Ug is waiting with a can of whipped cream and she sprays Rusty down. DJ and Stephanie each pick up a can and join in the assault, leaving him covered. Rusty vows that this means war, and the girls are like bring it, and Rusty's all, it's already been broughten! Or maybe that was "Bring it On"... either way, truly a waste of whipped cream.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

"What's for lunch, Bitterman?" or Good News, Bad News (4.5)

We open with Joey trying to teach Michelle a knock knock joke. She doesn't get it for two reasons: One being that she's an idiot, the other being that the joke sucks. It goes, when executed properly, as follows:
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Boo Who?
Don't cry, it's only a joke!

Just then Danny knocks on the door and call out Knock Knock. Ug tries to use the joke and Danny feigns being hurt over her not knowing who he is, and she resorts to the punchline and why did Michelle have to learn to talk? Credits.

Michelle asks DJ to play with her because she's her favorite sister, but DJ is too busy because she was just appointed Editor of the school newspaper. Ug is unimpressed, and as soon as Stephanie walks in, she tries the favorite sister line on her. She asks her to play Shadow and Stephanie declines, but Ug doesn't need a willing participate. She begins annoying the shit out of Stephanie (and the rest of us) by mimicking everything she says. Stephanie tries to trip her up a few times, but Ug persists. Ug ALWAYS persists.

Kimmy comes in and begs DJ for a job on the paper. The only position left is Sports editor and DJ's hesitant because Kimmy doesn't know jack about sports. But, she's a sucker for Kimmy's sad puppy dog face and whimper and caves.

Jesse and Joey are hard at work at their advertising and production company. Their work involves harassing Comet and dressing him up as Stevie Wonder Dog, Spock the Vulcan Retriever and (of course) Elvis Dog. Danny and Becky interrupt Danny's now regretful business investment to let the guys know that they have their first gig... producing the television commercial for the new and improved WUSF. Discussion over the concept leads to much bickering between SanFran's favorite co-hosts and J&J consider utlizing puppets in the commercial.

At the paper, Editor DJ is collecting articles from the staff and everyone's favorite fug and Kimmy Gibbler's soulmate, Bitterman, complains that Kimmy was given sports editor over him, and that he's stuck with copying the lunch menu. Yeah. That's a pretty raw deal, Bitterman. Just need to comment on how Bitterman's looking these days. Since we last saw him, he's had a major growth spurt and has also acquired a lengthy rat tail. It's... not pleasant. Poor awkward Bitterman. The actor must love having these years of his life immortalized and captured on film. Kimmy comes in with her exclusive interview, with Robbie Hawkins, the "star" of the basketball team. Only, Robbie's just the equipment manager, the article is written on a napkin, and Kimmy forgot to mention who won the basketball game. DJ demands a rewrite, Kimmy refuses, calls her Queen of the Paper, and declares their friendship over.

Side note: Color me impressed that Bitterman knew what "nepotism" was (he accuses DJ of it because she gave Kimmy the editing job based solely on the merits of their friendship)

Stephanie tries to creep into the house quietly and avoid Michelle, but unfortunately Ug is following her tracks closely and still shadowing away. DJ can't be bothered with Stephanie's problems because she's all forlorn over her fight with Kimmy. And speak of the devil, here comes Kimmy toting what DJ thinks is a rewritten article, but is actually the first copy of The Gibbler Gazette, Kimmy's gossip rag that trashes DJ and features a picture of her head pasted on Freddy Krueger's body.

Filming on the set of WUSF, Danny and Becky are still going at it. Danny accuses Becky of being too perky and pop-tarty, and Becky criticizes Danny for being stiff and rambling. J&J talk them down, and then Danny asks why his side of the set has less light and Jesse gently tells him that it's the angularity of his face. Danny asks if he's trying to say his nose is too big, and Jesse says it's not that his nose is too big, but rather that the rest of his face is too small. Becky laughs and is kind of a bitch. They get through filming with the most passive aggressive dialogue ever and conclude with cheersing their coffee mugs and shattering them.

Stephanie and Ug go to talk to DJ and when DJ asks Michelle a question, Stephanie seizes the opportunity to turn the Shadow game around on Ug. Unfortunately she gets ahead of herself, slips up when she proclaims that she's finally free, and Ug's back at her annoying antics again.

J&J come in and say they got a great commercial, it just took 24 coffee mugs. They are closely followed by a still bickering Danny and Becky. DJ tells them how she's been fighting all day because she fired Kimmy from the paper. All of the grownups team up for a lecture on friendship and forgiveness which leads to Danny and Becky apologizing to one another. DJ isn't swayed and goes up to her room to continue writing her slanderous article on Kimmy, pondering whether or not cheese-for-brains is hyphenated.

Kimmy comes in to return things to the Tanners as this is the last time they'll ever see her. She returns Jesse's hairbrush, that appears to be full of dog hair, Joey's car keys (WTF?) and tells him he needs a new car stereo, and Danny's answering machine beeper. When Danny tells her that to borrow something usually requires permission, Kimmy laments that she'll miss his dry sense of humor most of all.

Up in DJ and Stephanie's shared room, Steph is hiding out from Michelle. She's nearly relieved that it's Kimmy at the door and not Michelle. Kimmy came to return DJ's things and get her shit back, and their bizarre exchange involves such items as an Erik Estrada CHiPs action figure, DJ's old retainer and a shrunken head. This exchange is best summarized by Stephanie: "You guys had a weird relationship." Bringing up all of these possessions also causes the girls to reminisce, and they realize that they have a lot of history and it'd be a shame to throw it all away over something so stupid.

Kimmy offers to tear up all copies of the Gibbler Gazette and DJ says that Kimmy's got a great writing style and offers her a job as a gossip columnist on the paper, and like, why the hell didn't she just do that to begin with? I know I know, there would have been no story line without the conflict, but realistically, why wouldn't that have been the first idea to pop into her head when Kimmy asked for a job on the paper? Stephanie is distraught that Kimmy and DJ have made up, but manages to trick Kimmy into falling prey to Michelle's obnoxious game of Shadow.

It's amazing to me that nobody thought to just knock Michelle's fugly ass out. If that'd been my sister, I'd have just decked her. God, that shadow game is annoying.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

"I don't think you realize I'm wobbling my head right now." or Viva Las Joey (4.7)

I swear, are there any episodes that don't begin with an Ug-Centric intro? It's surprising that more people didn't just instantly change the channel once Michelle Tanner invaded their screen. Anywho, this episode starts off with UgTot wandering into the kitchen whining about having an "Owie" and asking Jesse to give her a Big Bird [band aid]. The owie mysteriously jumps arms, and Michelle is revealed as a fraud! Kick her out of the family!

The phone rings, Jesse answers and it's for Joey. Joey says he's busy until Jesse tells him that it's his agent. Wait, what? Joey has an agent? Seriously. Also, please note that when Jesse's calling for Joey, he's totally hovering the phone over his crotch, like "Hey, talk to my penis." Joey comes a-running and reveals that some chimps, the Ericson chimps I believe, were infested with lice, so Joey was called in as a replacement to open for Wayne Newton in Las Vegas. Wow. That's... pretty insulting. Playing second fiddle to primates. Then again, we've all seen Joey's comedy act, so it comes as no surprise.

The whole family's stoked to go to Vegas, and Jesse tells Joey he should invite his parents, but apparently Joey's mom is goofy. No, really, she plays Goofy at Disneyland. Jesse urges Joey to invite his dad, The Colonel, and the girls leave the room before Joey says that him and his father have never really got along. Too bad DJ and Steph didn't stick around because we cut to them in their room on the phone with Colonel Gladstone, posing as Joey's personal secretaries, Janet Abdul and Barbie Dollanbear, inviting him to see Joey perform in Vegas.

Vegas time! We're treated to a Jesse and the Ripper's cover of "Viva Las Vegas" and a montage of flashing lights. The entire family is backstage before Joey's show chilling in his dressing room when Colonel Gladstone shows up, all militarial and stoic. There's an uncomfortable exchange between father and son, where the former criticizes the latter's choice in "career." The girls confess to calling him and inviting him and apologize because they didn't know that they didn't get along.

Joey's show. It's not... horrible. They cut to the family laughing a lot and we also see Colonel Gladstone standing in the back, looking confused and unamused throughout the show. Joey's act includes a few bits about Daddy Dearest, since he thought he'd left. The comedy routine ends pretty abruptly, and he receives a fair amount of applause. Suddenly the audience starts getting louder and louder and the applause intensifies and the delusional Joey thinks that it's for him. Turns out that Wayne Newton's come on stage to kick Joey off. No, just kidding, he came out to thank him for filling in on such short notice and says he was way funnier than the chimps and apologizes for the surplus of bananas in the dressing room. Ha, Wayne made a funny.

He concludes with a little "Danke Schoen" and Joey gets a little overexcited and chimes in and embarrasses himself. Backstage in the dressing room the family is celebrating Joey's success. He's on cloud nine from playing a live crowd in Vegas and singing onstage with Wayne Newton. Just then, the celebration is cut short by the return of Colonel Gladstone. Danny and Jesse herd the girls out in search of a miniature golf course and it's time for the touching father-son moment.

Colonel Gladstone tells Joey that his act was good and some parts were even funny. Joey asks if he laughed and the Colonel replies "I will... later." Ha! He apologizes for never being around much or being a pal to Joey when he was growing up, and suggests that maybe they start pal-ing around now. He reveals that when Joey was sick with chicken pox, they watched cartoons together for 2 weeks straight and he was the one who taught Joey how to do the Popeye voice, and launches into a pretty abysmal impression. Joey offers him some constructive criticism to improve his Popeye laugh, and we close on the inspirational music suggestion this relationship is on the mend... Too bad that much like nearly every other secondary character featured as a foil to any of the main characters, we'll never see or hear from the ol' Colonel again.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

"You feeling alright out there?... We'll take care of that." or Just Say No Way (3.21)

Jesse gives the girls some chocolate moo juice, heavy on the chocolate, easy on the moo. Joey presents Michelle with a Raffi tape and they pop it into the baby boom box as Stephanie, Danny and Joey do a little song and dance routine to "Baby Beluga." I'm pretty sure I can still sing that entire song, and I almost linked it here but didn't want to get it stuck in your heads. Jesse stops and ponders when his life reached this G-rating status.

DJ and Kimmy come in and blow through the kitchen, not stopping to talk because they have to plan the school dance. Danny asks them when they plan on doing their homework and DJ says her's is almost done... and by almost done she means almost started. Heh.

Kimmy hangs up the phone and tells DJ that they've booked DogFace, a high school band, for the dance. Apparently the dance is a backwards dance, where the girls ask the guys. Kimmy and Stephanie urge DJ to invite Kevin, but she's chickenshit, so Stephanie ends up doing it for her. She's going to kill her until she finds out that KEvin accepted. Suddenly they're best friends again.

Ug is listening to "Baby Beluga" non-stop and driving Stephanie crazy. She tells Joey to be the one to change the song, but Ug won't let him, and because everyone insists upon catering to a toddler, he gives up fairly easily. It's time for the dance, everyone coos over DJ's uber 90s black bodysuit/pantsuit with a black cropped jacket with silver accessories. It's not too heinous given the time period. Kimmy arrives and tells DJ that DogFace bailed, so DJ begs Jesse to serve as the replacement band. Kevin shows up to pick up DJ and thanks Steph for inviting him. She asks if he has any younger brothers at home for her.

At the dance, Kevin meanders over to the punch bowl and tells two other guys, Paul and Sam, how socially awkward he is, especially when compared with the social butterfuly DJ, and they tell him to follow them out to the hall. I smell trouble.

Jesse is horrified to see his backup band is the school's marching band. He calls over the mic for DJ to report to the stage immediately. He's not pleased with the arrangement and DJ begs him to give the band a chance. HE agrees because he wants to really earn his 20 bucks.

DJ introduces the band and Jesse tells her to not use any names, so she calls them the "No Names." Heh. He starts playing some "Wild Thing" and the marching band chimes in and for what it's worth, they're not really all that bad. Granted, they're no DogFace. Jesse's discomfort and embarrassment is obvious and Kimmy declares that he's not worth 20 bucks. Ouch. DJ offers the only smattering of applause as they finish the first tune.

Later in the night, Jesse's really getting into his performance, even rocking out with one of the feathered band caps, and DJ cuts him off from their finale of "Stars and Stripes Forever" by telling him that they finally found a stereo. DJ asks Kimmy where Kevin is and she goes off to find him, figuring that he was hiding from the horrific band. She finds him in the hall with his two toolish friends drinking beers in the hallway. One of the guys sprays DJ down with a can of beer and Kevin goes to get her some paper towels to clean up.

She seizes the can from the other dorks and proceeds to launch into a lecture of Danny Tanner proportions. She really is her father's daughter. Just as she's holding the beer and mockingly saying how cool it is to drink beer, Jesse comes up behind her. The other boys quickly run off and tell DJ that they're only 13 and don't want any beer. She's confused until Uncle Jesse barks out, "DJ Tanner!" She turns around and realizes what's in her hand and the music before commercial shows that she's totally in deep shit now. Uncle Jesse totally doesn't buy it when DJ says that it was the guys drinking and not her and takes her home.

Back at the house, UgTot is STILL listening to "Baby Beluga"... that is until her tape deck craps out. Bwah! She starts yelling her head off and Joey, Danny and Steph rush in. Joey goes to repair the tape deck until Steph and Danny hold him back. Ug won't stop whining, so the trio launches into another performance of "Baby Beluga." Why must people insist upon catering to a 4 year old?

Jesse and DJ come in arguing, yelling for Danny, and Danny comes down to see what all the fuss is about. Jesse tells him that he caught DJ drinking beer at the dance and DJ protests, saying that she knows drinking is stupid and wrong. Unfortunately for Deej, Danny can smell the beer that was sprayed all over her, and sends her to her room while he talks with Uncle Jesse. She's livid that Danny would take Jesse's side over his own daughter, and tearfully and angrily runs to her room.

Yeah, she smelled like beer, but it was just on her clothes. Why don't one of these guys smell her breath or take into account that she's completely lucid and not inebriated?

DJ throws herself onto her bed crying and furious that the guys didn't believe her. Stephanie comes over and asks what happened and tells DJ that she believes her. Down in the kitchen, Danny is freaking out that drinking is even an issue when DJ's only 13. JEsse and Joey tell him how things are different nowadays, and there are a lot more temptations out there for kids DJ's age. Stephanie comes down and tells the guys that whatever they are accusing DJ of, she didn't do because she was crying, and it wasn't tears of remorse, it was tears of the wrongfully accused. Danny starts to head upstairs to talk to her, but Stephanie informs them that DJ had Mrs. Gibbler pick her up to take her back to the dance to prove her innocence. Jesse takes this as a sign that everything he's saying is right, first DJ lies, then is caught with beer, and now she's sneaking out. Jesse and Danny go to the school to get to the bottom of all of this and Joey offers to stay at home and hold down the fort.

Back at the dance, Dj runs into Kimmy who tells her that Kevin and the other tools were caught with beer and their parents are on their way. Kevin finds DJ and apologizes, and she asks why he even felt the need to drink. He says that he was nervous and the tools told him it would help him loosen up. She says that she had more fun with the old Kevin, and that her father thinks she was drinking. He apologizes again, and his father comes to take him home.

On Kevin's walk out, he runs into Jesse and Danny and stops to tell Danny that it was him and his friends drinking and that DJ was trying to stop them. Jesse asks Danny to wait outside while he goes into talk to DJ and apologize for getting angry and not believing her. He explains the emotions he felt when he saw her with beer in her hand, and she understands that the situation looked bad. He says that as she gets older, she'll be faced with more difficult decisions about not only alcohol but drugs and sex (oo! They said SEX!). He laments that DJ can't stay young and innocent and be safe forever, but he hopes that down the road she'll continue to exercise the same good judgement she used tonight. They walk off together as the inspirational music concludes our very special episode.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

"I fascinate you?" or Bye Bye Birdie (3.16)

This episode's annoying intro entails Joey measuring how tall Ug's become. She keeps cheating by standing on her tip toes and yawn. Is this supposed to be "cute" and "funny"? It's just boring. Though my aunt totally used to measure my cousins and sister and I on the inside of their hall closet door. Memories.

The guys and Becky are tucking Michelle into bed, she's all pumped for her first day of pre-school. She wants to go now. They tell her a story about a princess' first day of school. This... isn't storytelling at its finest. Essentially Princess Michelle goes to pre-school, plays with toys, makes some friends, takes a nap, cleans up and comes home. And claims it was the best day ever.

Cue Michelle's dream sequence that involves the 4 adults acting like pre-schoolers. Ha. Danny's rocking a beanie cap, Joey is wearing a horse attached to his pants (? I don't even know), Becky is in pigtails and a sailor dress and Jesse is "Cowboy Jesse" who totally reminds me of Laurence Fishburne's character on Pee Wee's playhouse. Princess Michelle comes out and they sing a song for her and it's freaky looking because they superimposed a blown up clip of Michelle so she's the same height as the others. Weird. And creepy.

Stephanie's bothering DJ who's apparently harboring some juicy gossip. Ug comes in with unbrushed hair and her dress on backwards. DJ laughs at her, and so would I! Stephanie is in their shared room determined to find out what'sagoinon (TM Bret Michaels). She is so nosey that she ends up breaking the lock off of the diary. Jesse knocks on the door and Stephanie hurls the diary under her bed. Comet starts chewing on it, and Jesse surmises that he chewed the lock off. Stephanie thinks her ass is saved.

Danny drops Michelle off at pre-school and introduces her to her teacher, Miss Petri. We are also introduced to Aaron who is completely out of character here as he's toting the sharing crown which he received for being such a good sharer of toys. Aaron shows Michelle Dave, the class bird. The class sits down for story time, all except Michelle who tries to include Dave in on this story time goodness and opens his cage. Dave darts right out of the classroom window like a bat out of hell. Methinks they weren't treating him too well in the class. Aaron tells Michelle she's a bad girl and Miss Petri tries to play it off as an accident. No way Miss P, Ug's a bad seed!

Michelle's tossing out pieces of bread in the backyard calling for Dave. When Danny tells J&J how none of the kids would play with her in pre-school and she just sat in the corner saying "I'm a bad girl", they start wailing for Dave. Danny takes Jesse with him on a mission and instructs Joey to clean up the bread in the yard.

Stephanie is trying to superglue the lock back onto DJ's diary and gets her hand stuck in the process. I don't get why she even bothered doing that. Couldn't she have just said Comet chewed the lock off? She even had Jesse as a witness to back her up. DJ comes into their room and asks her if she wants to go to the mall with her since they haven't hung out in awhile. She'd love to, but can't on account of a diary being glued to her hand. Joey asks if the girls want to go with him and Michelle to get ice cream and Stephanie almost accepts until she again, remembers the diary and then declines.

Jesse and Danny come home with Sammy, a replacement bird for Dave. Michelle is unimpressed and refuses to go back to school. Jesse says it's okay and Danny says no dice. Jesse says he killed his kindergarten fish and has yet to get over the trauma from the aftermath of teasing. Danny tells him that they can't protect Michelle forever and she has to deal with the unpopularity. Bird or no bird, it was bound to happen. Ug sucks.

He uncovers the diary and tells Steph she's in deep shit. He manages to get her unstuck and gets himself stuck to the diary in the process. Just then, DJ walks in and thinks she's caught Joey snooping. She yanks the diary out of his hands and then Joey urges Stephanie to come clean about busting the diary. DJ asks for a moment alone to talk with her sister and says that she can't deal with her snooping, and Steph says she can't help it because she's fascinated by DJ. DJ's too flattered to stay angry and adds that she keeps all of her juicy gossip in her journal.

Danny brings Michelle back to pre-school and introduces them to Sammy. Because they're small children, they're all like "Dave who?" and are instantly smitten with Sammy. The class claps their appreciation and Aaron even gives her the sharing crown. Ug's all, "Daddy I'm the princess of fug" and tells Danny to piss off because she has friends again. He's a little sad to leave, but keeps his cool. We end with everyone gathering around Sammy's cage and Michelle telling the class not to open the cage door. Uh, no shit. Considering you were the one that did it, I'm pretty sure the rest of the class didn't share your lack of commonsense, dumbfug.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

"You're the best thing to come into my life since Spray'N'Wash!" or Lust in the Dust (3.15)

Jesse and Joey are working on an ad campaign for sardines. They feel that in order to convey the voice of a sardine, one must become one with the sardine... and chow down. Neither one is willing to (and can you blame them? My dad and sister were all about sardines, but they just gross me out so much! Yecch!) Joey pops on in Jesse's mouth and Jesse says he's going to kill him. They look for Joey's tape recorder which Michelle has hidden, because she's a fugass brat who likes to hide other people's things. Jesse has developed an affinity for sardines and continues chowing down. DJ comes in with the tape recorder which Ug hid in her cereal box.

Just then Danny walks in, he broke off his date with Joan/June/Jane-what's-her-name because one of her earlobes was bigger than the other. Clearly it was a true love connection, if something like that can derail it. Not to mention the fact that the rest of the family can't even remember her name. Brutal.

Karen, Stephanie's dance teacher, drops Steph off at home, saying that it wasn't a problem and it was on her way. Karen is played by the same actress who played Becky's sister Connie. Danny asks Steph what she learned in class today and she says that he still owes Karen a check for her lessons. Bwah! Karen also reminds Stephanie that she learned some killer new dance moves, which she shows off to the musical stylings of Bobby Brown and "My Prerogative." Danny tries to join in and his rhythmically challenged ways are comedy gold. Stamos looks like he's trying to fight back real laughter as he tells him that sometimes grace and coordination skip a generation.

Michelle does some stupid Ug shimmy dance, and Danny and Karen join in doing the modified form of the twist. DJ and Stephanie pick up on the flirtatious vibes between Danny and Karen and scheme to get them together after noting that her earlobes are the same size. They invite her to stay for lunch and the entire family bails so that the two budding lovebirds can be left alone. They light a candle as the finishing touch.

Danny says that he had nothing to do with this set-up but then confesses that he's had a crush on her ever since Stephanie started taking dance classes. Karen then confesses that their house isn't really on her way home. They kiss, and the girls cheer. They decide to turn this into a real date and get some dim sum (yum!). Karen loves dim sum too and Danny says they should get some. He's stoked to get some dim sum and I think that dim sum might be Danny Tanner code for poonanny.

Jesse's searching his room for his keys. Apparently he's the only one in the band who can unlock their rehearsal space. He calls the girls into interrogate them. Both DJ and Steph are clueless, so it's clear that Ug's the culprit. Didn't she already do this hiding shit back when she hid Mr. Bear? Way to recycle an unfunny story line there, writers. She reveals that she hid other items belonging to DJ and Steph (a Milli Vanilli tape and sparkly pen, respectively), and Jesse's growing impatient (and a beard) waiting for Michelle to get around to retrieving his keys.

Meanwhile, Danny and Karen are coming back from their date singing a doo-wop version of "Blue Moon." She invites him into her apartment for some coffee (ie: SEX! Looks like Danny really is going to get sum!) where it's revealed that she's a total slob. Karen weakly says that she's been so busy with work that she hasn't had time to tidy up. And like, chill Danny, we can't all be obsessive compulsive neatfreaks. They sit down to coffee and Danny can't resist the urge to clean up her apartment. He even goes so far as to fold her laundry whilst making out with Karen. If that's not a deal-breaker, I dunno what is. Karen tells him that he needs to hit up over-cleaners anonymous, and so much word. Danny can't get over the mess and says that they don't have so much in common after all and peaces, leaving a forlorn Karen standing in the middle of her messy apartment. My mom would go nuts for this episode, she's constantly telling me no man will put up with my messy apartment. Cockblocked!

Jesse and the girls are still interrogating Michelle about the whereabouts of Jesse's keys. Ug's stubbornly insisting that she had nothing to do with it, and DJ and Steph start to wonder whether or not she actually did take them. Just then, Joey comes in toting more sardines for Jesse and reveals that he left his keys in the door. Jesse can't believe it and apologizes to Michelle. Yawn.

Danny comes home from his date and says he had a nice time but won't be seeing Karen again. DJ and Steph are bummed but confident that they know enough single women to find a love match for Danny. They leave to go make a list and Jesse and Joey aren't done with Danny yet. They follow him into the kitchen and ask what excuse he made up to justify ending this budding relationship. Danny says that she was a slob and launches into a description of his messy apartment. J&J basically tell him to get over himself and stop trying to find the perfect woman because she doesn't exist (um, hello? I'm right here! (I keed, I keed)). They reminds him that even Pam had her flaws, she was always late, but Danny overlooked it because he loved her. J&J manage to convince Danny to go back and give Karen another chance.

He arrives in her apartment and starts apologizing about freaking out over the mess, and then realizes that the apartment is now clean. She tells him that she actually does know how to clean, and says that he was being anal retentive and he really wants to give their relationship another shot. Too bad we're totally never going to see Karen again. Sucks, I actually liked her and Danny together. I don't think any woman other than Caroline, Cindy and Vicki lasted more than an episode as Danny's love interest, and aside from Vicki, the other women I think only got a two-episode arc. Lame. Poor Danny Tanner needed to get laid on a regular basis.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

"'Adorable'? Are you sure it doesn't say 'a door bell'?" or I'm There for You, Babe (2.20)

With this recap, I'm one shy of finally completing the second season. Still have yet to nail down "Beach Boy Bingo." Dunno why that one keeps evading me, but oh wells, next time around.

The family files into Jesse's room to serenade him with the Beatles Happy Birthday song. That fine piece of Greek man meat is 26 years young and looking fine. They also cooked him a guitar shaped waffle, and instead of giving him a day of rest and relaxation, the demands start pouring in from the family.

Joey needs Jesse to write a jingle for the new advertising campaign they're working on. DJ needs Jesse to coach her soccer team. Danny says his car sounds like his great uncle and is in need of a mechanic... but he's decided to ask Jesse instead. Stephanie needs like 200 cookies for a bake sale at her school the next day, Becky's distant relative is getting married and Jesse is supposed to be her date and to top it all off, America's favorite little shit UgBaby is too dumb to make Jack pop out of the box (hint: turn the crank, dumbass).

The icing on the cake is that Danny somehow managed to finagle some bigwig music reviewer dude to come to the Smash Club to listen to Jesse and the Rippers play. Leading up to the show, Jesse's being pulled in 6 different directions and promising everyone that he's there for them (babe), but is unable to really help any of them with what they need.

The night of the show, it's about time for the band to go on and the Rippers are nowhere to be found. Turns out that whilst trying to multitask, Jesse double-booked the band at two different appearances. And apparently all of the Rippers went to the other show. Betcha wish you had a cell phone, Jess. Never fear, my fine-follicled fellow, the Tanner clan is here to save the day as they proclaim, "We're here for you, babe."

They are introduced as Jesse and These Other Guys. Heh. Jesse begins "Do Wah Diddy" and when the family chimes in on the chorus, it has a pretty hokey Partridge Family vibe to it. I have to give props to the writers for the continuity in this scene: DJ is on the drums, which she was given as a gift out of guilt in an earlier episode, and displays the limited skill consistent with the time she's owned the drums. Also featured are Kimmy on the keyboard (which is mentioned again later) and Danny's mad skillz with an axe (that's slang for "guitar" for all you squares), when he does a nice riff from "Day Tripper" (whoa, two Beatles songs in one episode!). Joey plays the harmonica and does a possibly offensive Ray Charles impersonation. The only potential inconsistency is that Becky's singing backup vocals here, where in a later episode she's painfully tone deaf. But, I think that episode's the fluke and not this one.

The folks at the Smash Club aren't having it and begin filing out. The night continues and they stoop so low as to allow Stephanie to sing "Bingo." Yikes. That's enough to completely empty out the club and Jesse knows that he just blew his big chance with that bigwig reporter in attendance. Sucks.

The next morning, Stephanie goes into Jesse's room to wake him up. He's convinced himself that last night's performance was just a nightmare... that is until Stephanie pulls out the review of the family band. It opens with, "If you missed last night's performance of Jesse and These Other Guys, than you're luckier than I was." Ouch. The only highlight of the performance? The keyboard stylings of the "adorable Kimmy Gibbler." BURN!

The family once again files in making demands of Jesse. Jesse's on the verge of a breakdown as he begins rattling off the ways he'll manage to get everything done. He rambles on that he'll have Danny's car towed to the soccer field so that he can work on it, while he watches DJ's soccer game from the rearview mirror. During half time, he'll rush to the school cafeteria to bake Stephanie's cookies, then pop into the metal shop to cut Jack out of his godforsaken box, and all the while he'll be whistling a jaunty tune for his and Joey's jingle. This foolproof plan is foiled when Becky comes in and says that his pajamas are unacceptable wedding attire. Just then Kimmy comes in and asks if they saw their review in the paper and that's enough to push Jesse over the edge. He lets out a shriek and dives into his bed.

Either a few hours later or the next day (the timeframe of episodes is sometimes kind of difficult to decipher), the family comes in and tells Jesse that today is the start of his one-day vacation of rest and relaxation. That is, they're finally giving him the day off for his birthday that they should have given him in the first place. Seriously, who nags the birthday boy? They say that they have all of his duties for the day covered and tell him to just chillax. Then they all dog pile on him. That would not help me relax. In fact, it would probably fill me with great anxiety and feel as though I was being smothered. They all leave and Becky tells him that when she gets back from the wedding, she'll relax his brains out (re: sex).

Michelle didn't get the memo and asks Jesse to get Jack out of the box. She adds an "I love you" and pervy Jesse is a total sucker for this and raps on the side of the box and turns the crank and pop! There's Jack. At this point, I would tell Ug that I got her stupid toy to work and to now get the fuck out. Instead, we are "treated" to a really bizarre gross moment that involves cheek stroking and Jesse slowly moving in for a kiss. Yuck, I need to scrub my eyeballs. Maybe there was a reason I skipped this one before...

Monday, March 10, 2008

"Boy, nothing gets by you!" or Blast from the Past (2.19)

We open with Jesse helping Michelle get dressed. She says she doesn't need help, but pervy Uncle Jesse refuses to be deterred. There's whistling and I'm too grossed out to go on. Credits. Let's move on... what? This episode is centered around Joey's sex life? Nooooooooooooo! Why God, why?!?!

Danny is expressing his love for this time of year. First comes spring cleaning and right behind it is tax time. I love you Danny, but being someone in the service industry who makes their money in tips and then pays out the ass come tax time, we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. Joey and Jesse look at him like he's nuts, and before they can tell him what a freak he is, they're interrupted by the phone ringing. Ug answers, even though she can't formulate proper sentences. Jesse promptly seizes the phone from her and tells Joey it's someone named Patty Fogerty calling for him.

Joey's eyes light up and Danny looks peeved as they reveal that Patty is Joey's ex-girlfriend in college whom he wanted to marry who left him broken-hearted. Joey's psyched that he may have a second chance to reconnect with her. Danny doesn't think that's such a good idea.

Up in the girls' room, DJ is performing a magic trick for Kimmy, Steph and Michelle. It involves the ball of mystery which consists of her holding up a curtain with a fake hand while she uses her free hand to move a ball around. She gets totally busted by Steph when she drops the ball. Lame trick anyway. Kimmy busts out her brother's magic cuffs and handcuffs DJ and Stephanie together. Too bad Kimmy didn't check if she had the key before she attempted this trick.

Danny is still freaking out at Jesse for his lackadaisical attitude towards taxes. He's urging him to examine the codes and re-do his taxes in hopes of yielding a higher return. Someone's at the door. It's Patty! She's come fresh off of her divorce and looking to rekindle her former flame with Joey. Vomit. There's no one else in your past that you'd like to look up, Patty? Really? Joey's it?

They go down to his room to talk. He tells her that she broke his heart, all those years ago, and she says that at that time she needed serious romance and not some goofball. Joey is hurt that she never realized how much he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. They embrace and Joey remarks that for 10 years he's wondered what it would feel like to hold her again, and I'm wondering what it would feel like to hold a gun to my head if I have to endure ten more minutes of this nauseating shit. Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to write an episode focused on the love (and possible sex) life of Joey?

Danny is discussing his worry over Joey's reconnecting with Patty with Jesse. Jesse thinks that Danny should chill out, but Danny's dead-set in his opposition to their reunion. One might comment that Danny needs to butt out, but I've totally been that sort of overprotective friend, so I won't judge.

Kimmy comes back from going to her house to retrieve the key. Problem is, the key wasn't at her house. Her brother has it and he's in Reno but will be coming home the next day to pick up his unemployment check (hee). I have to wonder why on earth her brother would travel with the key to some magic handcuffs but not bring the handcuffs? For some reason, the girls are afraid of Danny finding out that they're cuffed together, so they both hop into DJ's bed and tell him that they love each other so much that they're having a little slumber party.

The next day, Danny is finishing up the long form for Jesse's taxes and ends up costing Jesse money. Can't Jesse just toss that one and stick to the original short form where he gets money back? Before Jesse can kick Danny's ass for his tax return blunder, Joey comes in singing after staying out all night with Patty. While their backs are turned, Michelle pushes all of the guys' tax stuff off of the coffee table in an attempt to clean. Danny calls Ug a Cleaning Monster, and well, you're half right there, Dan-O. Danny's still very upset over the Joey and Patty thing and Joey can't understand why Danny can't just be happy for him.

Kimmy comes in and tells DJ and Steph that her brother is extending his stay in Reno to a week and she won't be able to get the key. At this the girls have had enough and tell Danny that they're cuffed. Luckily for them, Jesse used to have a pair of magic cuffs (used to? I'm sure he's still working those into his bedroom repertoire). He asks Kimmy to assist him as he covers the girls hands with a cloth and "magically" transfers the cuffs from DJ and Stephanie to Kimmy's hands.

Joey and Patty have a romantic spaghetti dinner... in the backyard. Ohhh...kay. She begs him to reenact the spaghetti and meatball kiss scene from "Lady and the Tramp." Ohhh...kay. Nothing screams romance like reenacting Disney movies... when you're 30. Joey's trying to be all suave, sensitive and romantic, and Patty suggests that they go streaking through the neighborhood. He's not for it (thank you!) and she complains that she came back for the old crazy Joey.

Joey finally grows a set and stands up to Patty. He tells her that he's not the same guy he was because (duh) a lot changes in ten years. He says that they're like strangers now and they don't know anything about each other. They realize that they were trying to hold onto something in the past that isn't there anymore and sit back down to enjoy dinner and get to know each other. Blah, stupid episode. Now I know why I skipped it the first time around. Note to the writers, you should have always had less Joey and more Kimmy.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

"Whoever designed these airline bathrooms was not wearing pantyhose!" or Our Very First Christmas Show (2.9)

Danny is toting a video camera and documenting the first ever Tanner family Christmas reunion to be held in Colorado. Jesse and Joey come in singing "Winter Wonderland" and pander to the cameras, Jesse noting that Danny is only doing the video to write it off on his taxes. Danny makes a mental note to edit that portion of the video out.

Stephanie comes in all gloomy and not wanting to go to Colorado because she's afraid that Santa won't be able to find her there. Danny promises that Santa will be there Christmas morning because Joey has a Santa suit packing in one of their many suitcases.

D.J. wanders into Ug's room and is bursting with a secret she's dying to tell. Apparently she snooped and happened upon the girls' Christmas presents. She's getting a CD player, Steph's getting new roller skates (and now that "I've got a brand new pair of roller skates" song playing in my head) and Michelle's getting a whole bunch of toys. Hm, does that really sound fair? One CD player, One pair of roller skates and many many toys? Gee, who's the favorite?

Now the family's on the plane and Danny's documenting the pre-flight process. It includes such fascinating events as fastening seat belts and returning trays to the upright position. Stephanie posts a "Stephanie on Board" sign on the window for Santa. Everyone "Aww"'s when Joey tells them that it's Michelle's first plane trip. I would be indifferent/annoyed at the prospect of having my flight ruined by the cries of a screaming child and be furiously rummaging through my purse for my iPod to drown her out.

Becky is on the plane too, she's stopping over in Colorado to pick up a connecting flight on her way home to Nebraska. Danny asks her to say a little bit on the video for their WUSF viewers and she too accuses Danny of making the video to serve as a tax write-off. Jesse tries to score proposing they sneak away for a little romance on the slopes and claims he's "always wanted to go skiing in Nebraska." As Becky says in a later episode, it's never really been known as the mountain state. Naturally, Jesse strikes out, and all of the majesty is captured by Danny on film. He tells him to edit it out, but eff that. That little gem is their ticket to a daytime Emmy award!

Some fat dude in a bad toupee rudely tells DJ that she's in his seat. Both DJ and Danny reveal that they have tickets for the same seat. This guy is adamant that he will have the seat because he reserved it months ago. The stewardess says, in an awesome display of passive aggression and "go fuck yourself" masked in sweetness that that's fine because she has two open seats in first class and offers to upgrade DJ and Stephanie. Luckyyyy. I've never been in first class, is it everything it's cracked up to be? Now I just fly Southwest. They don't believe in "classes." And allegedly they're biased against "pretty girls" (re: sluts) which offends me because I am the hotness and I always am treated like a queen on my flights. Methinks those girls were probably bitches.

During the flight Michelle begins stroking the man's toupee saying"kitty" and pulls it off of his head. He gets pissed and I'm with him. That is his personal space and how the fuck is it okay for them to prop the baby so she's essentially sitting on his headrest? I would be so pissed. He snap and she cries and he gets scolded for it, and Jesse then leads the plane on a rousing rendition of "The Girl from Ipanema" to soothe Ug. The hell? That's her soothing lullaby? It's not just me, that's a pretty weird random selection, right?

The plane is forced to land due to a heavy blizzard and once their on the ground the conditions worsen so the entire clan is stuck spending the night in the airport. Stephanie is freaking out and is convinced that there's no way that Santa will find her in an airport. Stephanie tries to call the Operator for Santa or Mrs. Claus' phone numbers. Naturally they hang up on her and she replies with, what else? "How rude!" DJ goes to talk her down. The man in the bad toupee clarifies where the Tanner's are sitting and plans to camp out as far away from them as possible. Dude, I hear you.

Under the direction of his father, Jesse tries to make the moves on Becky when Nick points out that she's sitting by herself all forlorn and sad about being apart from her family on Christmas. He tries to be all smooth and sexy and gets her to talking about home. She mentions that her brother informed her that Janice is really blossoming. Jesse thinks she's talking about a sister, but it turns out to be her cow. She leaves to go call home, and Jesse tells his father that he was dissed so that she could go call her cow. Wow. Burn.

Danny is horror stricken when he realizes that the bag carrying all of the presents is missing. How bizarre, why would every other bag come through and just this one be missing? Oh yeah, because some cheap airline employee running the X-Ray saw the contents and hit the jackpot when they happened upon Danny's luggage. Because maybe they had put off their shopping til last minute, and had three daughters desiring this exact set of gifts. Maybe.

DJ attempts to talk down Stephanie by informing her that Rudolph has red nose radar that will make it possible for Santa to find Stephanie no matter where she is. Danny comes over and Stephanie tells him about the RNR, and he says that sometimes in intense blizzards, the radar isn't quite as effective. Stephanie runs off all bummed again and DJ asks what's up. Danny says that she's old enough to hear the truth and tells her that the suitcase carrying the gifts is missing. DJ joins Stephanie in her misery. Lighten up girls, be thankful your plane didn't crash! That's my sentiment every time my plane touches down safely. I really really hate flying.

Danny's desperate to salvage the holiday for his girls and tells Joey to put on his Santa suit. He comes out and Stephanie is totally buying his shtick until he's busted by Michelle who keeps calling him Joey. Dude, Steph. How can you let that UgTard outsmart you? Stephanie tries to tell Michelle it's Santa and does the classic beard test. Whoops, it is Joey. The mood is ruined as melancholy sets in once more.

Jesse is starting to get really fed up with everyone's bad attitude about the holidays. He goes on a rant that he can't believe how caught up everyone is in the commercialism and consumerism of the holiday. He reminds them of the true meaning of Christmas, about spending time with the people who matter most to you. He gestures to a coat rack and asks Joey what he sees. Jesse says that to him, it's a grandly decorated Christmas tree. He tells them that the vending machine to him is a feast fit for kings. He points to the conveyor belt and asks his father what he sees, and doesn't have anything festive and concedes that well, that's just a conveyor belt. Jesse leads the entire terminal into a rousing rendition of "Winter Wonderland" and hooraaaaay Christmas has been saved! Thanks Uncle SexyPants! Is it wrong that despite the fug Cosby/Bridget Jones style Christmas sweater, I find Uncle Jesse totally foxy while he's passionately spewing holiday joy?

It's night time and Danny has fallen asleep on the conveyor belt. UgMichelle hits button that controls the belt (really? It's just somewhere completely accessibly to anyone, even young children? That seems like it would be a major liability). Jesse stirs and scoops up Michelle to wish her a Merry Christmas. He turns on the lights and instantly swtiches from hot and sexy to super obnoxious as he wakes everyone up to tell them it's Christmas. How early is it? I'd be PISSED and yell something like "That's nice, now let me get some fucking sleep Hair Boy!" The conveyor belt starts back up and a snow covered Danny is brought back inside. Poor Danny.

Nick points to Becky standing by the coffee machine and asks him what he sees. Nick points out that she's standing under the mistletoe, waiting to be kissed and urges him to do so. Jesse does and uses the rationale that kissing under mistletoe is Christmas Law and because Goody Two Shoes Becky is a law-abiding citizen (as well as a down-low slut) they engage in a hella kiss.

Santa shows up, Joey's still present and he passes the beard test. Suddenly the suitcase carrying the presents come through on the conveyor belt, and when everyone turns back to where Santa was seated, he's gone. The laptop sitting on a chair has a message of tidings and joy, and when Danny and Joey discover that Joey's Santa suit is still in his duffel bag, they wonder if that may have been the real deal. The message on the computer changes and personally addresses Stephanie, thanking her for the map. Everyone swears that they see Santa flying away and even though it's March, I'm totally now in the Christmas spirit. Sorry this recap came almost 3 months late! Whoops!

Is it wrong to admit that shows like this that acknowledge that Santa is made up, but then suggests the possibility of it being a reality make me really happy? I mean, I'm completely logical and practical and a woman of reason, but a little part of me likes to believe in simplistic things like magic.

Uh, what I mean to say is, Christmas and Santa are gay! Snark snark snark!

Monday, March 3, 2008

"Froggy went a-courtin' and he did right, uh huh" or, The Seven Month Itch, Parts I and II (1.19 and 1.20)

Hey all, sorry I was pretty lazy about posting. I managed to catch a couple of the episodes I missed from Season One the first go-round, but ABC Family skipped ahead to Season Two already before I could get anymore. To compensate, I provide you with a Two-Parter episode recap! Joygasm! On a personal note, sobriety's going quite well. It's been pretty easy because I work with a lot of alcoholics that disgust me and I have terrific willpower. But, enough about me, there's FH to recap!

Oh, one last note. For some reason, several of the keys on my keyboard have been sticking lately (the main culprits have been the C,N, and K) so if there's a plethora of typos, don't get on my ass for it (This is mainly for my sister who is an English teacher and erego, a total Grammar Nazi).

Jesse's on the phone with his girlfriend du jour planning a romantic weekend for the two of them because Danny and Joey are taking the girls to Disneyland. Stephanie interrupts the phone call before he can get into the really dirty talk and is bursting with excitement over the upcoming trip to see Mickey & Co.

Jesse tries to hurry the family out the door so that he can get to the sexin' with his woman, and can you blame him? Stephanie is on the same page and eager to leave as well. As soon as their out the door, Jesse has a little celebration to himself about his impending weekend of serenity. And you just KNOW shit's about to get fucked up for our well-coiffed hero.

Jesse comes back in from playing tennis with Samantha, who looks eerily similar to Robin. And how's this for a small world, the actress playing her is none other than the future Mrs. Kirk Cameron, Chelsea Noble. How weird that they guest-star on back-to-back episodes of FH. He's raving about beating her three times even though she's been playing for years and today was his first day picking up a racket. Mid-celebration he realizes that she let him win. They're stoked about finally getting some alone time beause Sam apparently lives with her parents (LOSER!) and Jesse lives "in Pee Wee's Playhouse" (EVEN BIGGER LOSER!) Sam goes to shower and Jesse brings her some champagne and tries to sneak a peak at her naked. Um hello? Dude! Hop on in there and join her!

Downstairs there's a wrench being thrown in Jesse (and Stephanie's) plans. Turns out that their was a massive amount fo fog and they couldn't fly out. Danny promises Steph an evening of Family Fun, but she's not biting. Jesse is in the kitchen prepping his romantic candlelight dinner and has yet to realize that the family's back. Danny thinks Jesse is in the shower, and alerts him that they're home. Only it's Sam and not Jesse in the shower. Yikes. Awk. Ward. Danny calls for Jesse and he hears the cries from upstairs and a look of pure horror crosses his face as realization of ruined plans dawns on him.

D.J., Joey and Steph go into the kitchen and begin ravaging Jesse's romantic dinner. Assholes. If he wasn't expecting them to return, why the hell would they think that that dinner was for them? Jerks. I blame Joey. He's (technically) the adult and should know better. Piggish asshole. Jesse violently shakes a shrimp cocktail out of Joey's grasp and demands to know why they're there and ruining his first night of sex in a month. He doesn't quite say that, but come on, read between the lines people. Jesse and Steph slump down in their chairs and declare theat they hate fog. On a related note, me too.

Family fun night is commencing and Stephanie is not feeling the sing along. To Sam's credit, she's being a really good sport and embracing the FF (Family Fun) when she should have really been having a FF (that's me and the boyf's code for "Fuck Fest" (What? TMI?)). Danny accidentally drops some adjectives that also happen to be the names of some of the 7 Dwarves and Stephanie is heartbroken once again. Jesse hints that the entire family am-scray so that he and Sam can have a little alone time. She says that his family's terriffic and she doesn't mind the romance of their weekend being ruined. Maybe Jesse's not that great in the sack? I know I'd be PISSED about no sex for a month. Or maybe she's getting some on the downlow? Harlot! They can't even go out the next night because apparently Jesse got roped into baby-sitting Michelle. How? If Danny and Joey were planning on being at Disneyland all weekend, presumably they'd have no plans since they've returned home early, so why can't one of them watch the rugrat? I'm calling shenanigans on this plotpoint!

D.J. and Danny try to console Stephanie and Danny pretty much tells her to suck it up and find a new way to have fun because she essentially can't do shit about the fog and cancelled flight. Obviously Danny Tanner uses much more flowery speech, but the Milkman doesn't mince words. And how awesome would it be if he actually did say that to Steph?

Joey wanders into Jesse's room and they have some man talk about living there. Joey loves it because it's the first time he's ever been part of a big family, but Jesse confesses that sometimes it gets to him. He used to live on the edge and live his life with no strings attached and he feels like he's settled into married domestic life without the perks of constant sex (again, you just gotta read between the lines). He pours his heart out to Joey and Joey cracks jokes and Jesse gets really fem and emo here. Joey finally agrees to be serious and listen and Jesse ponders whether or not living there is holding him back and wonders if maybe he needs to do something about it. Joey tells him to sleep on it.

Bad idea. Jesse has what starts out as a sexy dream about Samantha that is rudely interrupted by the girls, Danny and Joey. Ugh, we're also "treated" to an appearance by both Fug Olsens at once. Even better? They're voiced by Joey's idiotic baby voice. Seriously, the sight of both Olsens with that creepy baby voice is truly demonic and a little bit unsettling. I am seriously disturbed. Apparently so is Jesse, who wakes up and decides that he can't take it anymore and bolts.

The next morning, Joey and Danny go to wake up Jesse and find that he's taken off (to Lake Tahoe, but they don't know that yet) with his friends and doesn't know if or when he'll return. The girls come in and ask where Uncle Jesse is and Danny and Joey look at one another, panicked and unsure what to tell them. And so ends part one.

Part two opens where the last one left off with Joey stating that Jesse ran away from home. The girls pop in and ask where he is, and Danny ushers them out as the two guys wonder what they're going to tell them. Danny says as their father, he should be the one to tell them and for Joey to just play dumb. You asked the right guy! They babble something about Jesse going on vacation to the desert and even the girls aren't gullible enough to swallow this tripe.

Joey makes an inedible breakfast and the meal is interrupted by a phone call from Jesse. Danny asks him how the desert is and Jesse is obviously confused and replies that he's skiing in Tahoe with his friends and doesn't know when he'll be back. When Jesse hangs with his friends, he apparently has sing alongs. Hm. Not my first choice of activity, but whatever floats your boat. He vows to find his own place when he gets back to San Fran. Don't you mean "If" you go back, Jess?

Danny tries to give D.J. a guitar lesson and hey! Continuity! Reference to Danny's mad guitar skillz and D.J.'s foray into guitar playing. D.J. is being difficult and it's because she noticed that most of Jesse's stuff was moved out and is onto the fact that he might not be coming back. Danny is honest with her and says that he doesn't know for sure if Jesse's coming back and says that he can't force him beause he's an adult.

Ug helps Stephanie move into Uncle Jesse's old room. D.J. comes in and pretty much blabs the news about Jesse to Stephanie. Way to keep a secret there, Deej. Stephanie says that since Danny can't get Jesse back, it's up to them. The girls start scheming away.

In Tahoe, one of Jesse's friends answers the phone. They tell him to let Jesse know that Michelle is sick with a cough and fever. Jesse comes in from sliding on his ass down the ski slopes and his fug friend tells him that the baby's sick. Jesse goes into full Mr. Mom mode and is in a tizzy because he's apparently the only one who can get Michelle to take her cough medicine. He immediately tells his friends sorry, but he's gotta peace out and hops onto his motorcycle to brave the cold weather and get home to his precious UgBaby.

He comes in all worried and such and demands to know the Ug's whereabouts from a clueless Danny and Joey. They inform him that Michelle isn't sick and the three brain trusts deduce that the girls must have called and made up the story in an attempt to lure Jesse back home. He's about to take off again until Danny tells him how badly the girls were shaken up by his abrupt departure. Danny and Joey also gently point out that the reason Jesse rushed home is because he's so involved in the girls' lives and ask if that's really such a bad thing. Jesse looks thoughtful... and mullety, and decides that life in the Playhouse isn't so bad.

Jesse goes upstairs to tell D.J. and Stephanie that he's back and they're thrilled that their plan worked. They verify that he's there to stay (he says not forever, but certainly for a long time (I say it's probably forever, bub (I really can't get over the fact that he ends up living in the attic when he's MARRIED with TWINS!))) Finally he stops into the nursery to have a big long sappy monologue to Michelle about how worried he was when he thought she was sick and I long for the first episode when Jesse's reaction to Michelle was to tell her to shut up. Those were the days.