Monday, September 29, 2008

"At the end of the second period, the score's 4-4..." "That's a tie!" or Nice Guys Finish First (6.9)

Tee hee, this episode is #9 in Season 6, making it's call number 6.9. Tee hee. Yes, I'm twelve.

DJ's finally starting driving lessons around the block with Danny. They return to the house and he's visibly shaken. When my Dad did driving lessons with me, his rage left me shaken. God, I hated learning to drive with my Dad. UgTwat being the little idiot that she is, is freaking out scared of the Norwegian Goat Boy. It's piss-poor story lines like this that show how far the writers would go to center an episode around Michelle. I mean, seriously? Norwegian Goat Boy?

Becky comes in with the twins to listen to Jesse and Joey's radio show... like they actually give a fuck. The Rush Hour Renegades and the radio station are giving away ice to callers in honor of the fact that Joey is playing in a charity hockey game. Their guest this afternoon is Hershel Binkley, the opposing goalie of the other team. Turns out that ol' Hershel is a familiar face from Joey's past. He pulls out a chintzy plastic hockey goalie's mask that has a red brick pattern painted on it. Back when they knew one another, Hershel went by the moniker of "Stonewall" and he was Joey's rival when he played hockey in college because he apparently stopped Joey's potential game-winning goal. And like seriously? First, isn't stopping pucks sort of part of a goalie's job? I don't see how that's some great embarrassment for Joey. Second, how old is this guy that he's still desperately clinging to this moment? Thirdly, with a name like Hershel, is he really one to make fun of anyone? And lastly, I really hate this massive tool because he's making me defend Joey. I need to pump some "You Oughta Know" and take a scalding hot shower to wash away my shame.

Um anyway, Joey acts like a total pussy and backs down from all of Stonewall's jaw-jacking. Jesse tries to come to his defense, but Stonewall leaves all smug and triumphant. Again, this guy is like mondo pathetic. I can't stand those jockstrap types who can't let go of their glory days. Later, the family all goes ice skating together and we learn that Danny's practically a professional figure skater. His stunt double launches into a fancy jump, and Danny sheepisly claims he's a little rusty citing "I hardly got any height on that double axle." And this is why I love Danny Tanner, he got a bad rap as a total uptight toolbag, but he's got some great one-liners. And a secret past as a figure skater? Brilliant! The family all joins hands to play "Crack the Whip" and it's at this point that I wonder, who the hell is watching Nicky and Alex? Better question, why do I care? Jesse is less than skilled on his skates and goes flying off the end of the line and into the wall of the rink. Bwah!

Who should interrupt this happy family moment than friggin' Stonewall. He begins chastising Joey again, and Danny reads my mind and asks Stonewall "Is your life so pathetic and empty that you need to live in the past?" To his credit, Stonewall actually answers "Well... yes." Joey finally tires of all the teasing and breaks his stick over his knee. Michelle looks scared, I laugh. I sure hope that wasn't Joey's only hockey stick.

Danny is prepping DJ for her first time on the free way. He asks her to define the lanes and she does as such: The left lane is "the entirely too fast lane", the second lane is "the still entirely too fast lane" and the right lane is "for geeks and nerds." Heh. True dat. Danny is less than pleased with her assessment, and DJ assures him that she is happy to be a geek and nerd, and to drive in the slow lane so long as it allows her to drive outside of their neighborhood. Michelle, meanwhile, is still pissing and moaning about the freaking Goat Boy! Seriously writers, give it up! Stop trying to thrust Ug into the spotlight of every episode, it's just non sequitur at this point! My favorite obnoxious neighbor and yours, Kimmy Gibbler stops by not only to fan the flames of Ug's idiotic fears, but also tacks on the tale of the Muttman. Although I loathe the attention being wasted on Michelle, I must say that at least she's being tortured, so it makes it a little more tolerable. Christ, now she's whining about being afraid of Joey as he's getting all pumped up for the game. He promises to not be scary and God, I am SO over this catering to a 6 year old.

Finally it's time for the charity Hockey game. The play by play is being broadcast on the guys' radio station with the painful commentary of the anti-jock, Jesse Katsopolis. He hasn't the slightest grasp on the rules of hockey and his play-by-play is hilarious but quite uninformative. The game's getting rough and Joey goes to punch Stonewall in his porky mouth, but then looks at UgTwat making her "I just smelled a turd" face which is supposed to convey fear, and he releases his grip and skates away. Jesse totally calls him out on his pussiness. At this point, Becky thankfully steps in to take over the commentary. She grew up with a lot of brothers and knows her shit. The buzzer goes off and a mystified Jesse asks "Did someone pull the fire alarm?" Haha, Jesse's ignorance is cracking me up. At this point, Michelle has the balls to tell Joey he's playing like a weenie, and he says he won't play like a meanie, but is it okay if he plays like an in-betweenie. I shit you not, this grown ass man is lowering himself to bargaining with a 6 year old about how aggressively he can play a hockey game using the most ridiculous rhyming lingo that's making my ears bleed and soul die. If I roll my eyes any harder, I might strain something and need to up my contact lens prescription.

So Joey's now playing in in-betweenie mode and Becky notes that somebody lit a fire under Joey's ass, but in more PG rated terminology. Time's running out and Joey is on a breakaway, but someone on the opposing team hooks his skates and pulls him down. Time expires and Jesse thinks the game's over, but Becky corrects him that Joey is entitled to a penalty shot. Becky over-dramatics, "It all comes down to this." Jesse, not wanting to be left out adds on, "This... is what it all comes down to." Bwah! Joey takes the shot and naturally makes it. Becky screams "Do you believe in miracles?" Um, I don't really think Joey's winning goal in some podunk charity game really compares to the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team's triumph over the Soviet Union, but to each their own. Stonewall looks utterly dejected and you just know that that pathetic loser went home and killed himself. He probably sliced his wrists open on his skates because his non-professional hockey career was the only thing he had going for him in his miserable life.

Joey celebrates by skating around the ice with Michelle hoisted on his shoulders. Ew, I won't even comment about him having Ug's twat rubbing all up on the back of his neck. Nasty. Man, I don't even know why I chose to recap this episode. It was completely focused on Joey and Michelle, the two most loathsome characters, and it brought out a lot of hostility in me. Next time, I'll do a more fun, fluffier episode that generates less hateful snark.

14 comments:

Fear Street said...

"When my Dad did driving lessons with me, his rage left me shaken." Ha, that is totally my mom. Such screaming!

Molly said...

This is one of those episodes that I just can't watch. Joey is such an idiot, and Michelle needs a good punch in the head.

OF COURSE he's playing aggressively, it's HOCKEY! If the brat can't deal with it, she can stay home!

chris said...

I always thought that guy's name should have been Brickwall. Geez, writers. It you're going to give somebody a stupid hockey persona, complete with matching face mask, at least know the difference between a brick, and a stone.

Rita said...

I loved your hateful snark here :)

karenforyou83 said...

I'm now completely caught up with all your recaps! It *almost* makes me want to watch the show again...except that I don't think that I can stand thirty minutes of Michelle being a twat. I'm glad that I have your blog to tell me what's up.

nikki said...

"I won't even comment about him having Ug's twat rubbing all up on the back of his neck."

Ew. ew. ew. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

By the way, I love the hard-core snark this episode brought out!

michelle said...

Ok, I have to admit. I LOVE the part where Danny does a triple axel. Hilarious!! Oh, and Jesse's commentary?? Awesome. Great snark, as usual.

Ashley said...

You re-capped this episode because Jesse is GREAT in it. I crack up every time he's doing the commentary. Both the fire alarm, and the tie lines crack my shit up every time.

Kelly said...

This was fantastic!! I am laughing out loud here! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I thought of this site immediately when I saw these "Trollsen" Olsen twin masks:

http://www.peta2.com/TAKECHARGE/trollsenform.asp

They're free!

veronica said...

Wow. I do NOT remember this episode. I have vauge recollections of Danny and the stunt-double triple axle thinger, but that's it. The Jesse commentary sounds hilarious, so a part of me really wants to see this ep. But you mentioned Michelle's "I just smelled a turd" look, and I can (most unfortunately) picture that all too clearly in my head, and that makes me want to not watch it. So I'm torn.

Where was Stephanie during this episode? Did she have a relevant role in the slightest, or is this during that time of Full House episodes where Stephanie has, like, 3 lines while Michelle is in every other scene? Gah, I hated that.

Lovely, wonderful and hilarious recap, as usual!!

colleenn said...

I've missed this blog! I just updated my own blog for the first time in forever, and now I am taking the rest of my night to catch up on all the blogs I've missed reading for the past couple months. I have a few more of your entries to get caught up with. I work from home now, and you know what I do for lunch every day? Watch an hour of Full House on ABC Family. Oh yes. I think of this blog every day when I'm watching it. They're on I think season 4 now, possibly season 5. Michelle's obnoxious factor goes up about 100 points between seasons 4 and 5 I've noticed. And her bad acting really starts to stand out.

Brina said...

Your blog is awesome. I spent the last couple of days catching up on all your previous posts, and I could barely stop laughing. I love your hate for Michelle, she was a fugly little thing. I hope you update soon, I could use some more laughs =)

Clara Cupcakes said...

I miss you and your awesomeness milkman! Come back!!!