"Well, usually that's my idea of a Happy Meal..." or The Perfect Couple (7.13)

No, you're eyes aren't playing tricks on you. It is I, actually updating my blog. I don't have a good reason for neglecting it for so long, but I'm updating now, so yay!

We open with another one of Vicky's weekend visits is coming to an end and as she's leaving, her and Danny keep kissing. Ew. Not sexy. Never fear though, she'll be back next weekend to visit again.

Danny glumly goes into the kitchen and tells Joey that the distance and living visit to visit with Vicky is killing him and that he wants to settle down and begin their life together. Joey, always the sympathetic ear, jokes that he's not ready for that level of commitment, to which I reply, then maybe you should finally move out of his house after 7 fucking years, Gladstone. Danny vows to sit Vicky down during her visit next weekend and set a date for the wedding since they've now been engaged for 6 months.

Joey begins blowing smoke up Danny's ass and complimenting him and builds Danny and Vicky up as the perfect couple and segues into asking him to participate on his new gig, the trial run episode of a game show he's hosting, coincidentally entitled "The Perfect Couple." DJ and Steve are also going to take part as the dating couple and Jesse and Rebecca are going to be the married couple.

Jesse is less than thrilled about being on the show, but Becky thinks it will be fun. He claims he is an enigma and she reveals that she essentially knows everything about him. A few of the Jesse Katsopolis fun facts she reveals: for Christmas he wants the pepper grinder to complete his Elvis kitchen set, his favorite midnight snack is chicken (as he often returns to bed "smelling like the Colonel"), When he gets angry he goes to tune up his Harley. Jesse is miffed that he's so predictable and stomps off in a huff.

Steve comes in to see DJ, excited to be on "The Perfect Couple" which will henceforth be shortened to TPC because I'm lazy. He reveals he's planning on wearing his lucky ring from his Uncle Artie, who also taught him how to juggle... all facts DJ was unaware of up until this moment. DJ panics that she doesn't know anything about Steve and questions what the relationship is based on. Kimmy replies, "You're cute. He has a car. What more is there to know?" Bwah! Score one for the Gibbler. Steve doesn't get why DJ's freaking out, because they love each other, and isn't that enough to build a relationship off of? Remember this when the end of the episode rolls around.

Steph is baby-sitting Nicky and Alex and asserting her authoritay, Eric Cartman style. Stephanie asks them to put on their pajamas and they refuse and start running amok all over the house. Obvs we have UgSnot lurking around to offer her bratty commentary of the situation. Poor Stephanie, can you imagine being left on your own with those 3 demon spawn?

Meanwhile on the set of TPC, the couples nervously prepare for the show. Becky tells Jesse to drink some water because she knows how his throat gets dry when he's nervous. Jesse tries to insist that's untrue, but as he does, his voice catches in his extremely dry throat. For those playing along at home the score reads, Becky: 982354892102, Jesse: 0. Every couple is nervous, that is, except for Danny and Vicky, who's running late. The show's producer has his assistant Estelle step in for Vicky. Estelle is a short stout curmudgeonly old woman sporting a page boy haircut. Cue Joey sporting a ridiculous wig, capped teeth, affected voice and the pseudonym, Joe Stone.

Danny is miffed that he has to participate in the game show with a complete stranger, wondering what Estelle could possibly know about him. She immediately and smartly snaps back, "I know you're a whiner." Bwah! Score one for the stout troll! DJ is equally unenthusiastic, saying theres no point in playing the game because her and Steve are practically strangers. They bicker back and forth and Joey tries to smooth things over, until the producer pulls him aside and tells him the goal of the show is to embarass the couples and instigate arguments.



Joey tries to fan the flames, but DJ has simmered down and exasperatedly asks for Joey to just ask the first question. He obliges and asks Steve: "Which fish does DJ think you would say she kisses like?" Steve incorrectly guesses flounder. Oh snap! DJ's actual answer is that she hopes he'd say angel fish. Steve plays this off awesomely saying, "Oh! Tropical fish are allowed?" Joe Stone pipes in, "Looks like this relationship is floundering!"

Moving on to the old married couple, Joey asks Jesse what Rebecca would say is his obsession. He says that it WAS his hair, but now he has a brand new obsession: proving to Becky that he is unpredictable. She nails it, practically word for word, much to the chagrin of Jesse.

Joe Stone moves onto our "engaged" couple prompting Danny to yelp, "We're not engaged!" He asks what song would Danny most like to hear at their wedding? Estelle rationalizes that because Danny is so high strung and sensitive, like her third husband Bernie, that it would be "Love Will Keep Us Together" which was Bernie's favorite song. Turns out that's Danny and Vicki's song. Again, please note this for later in the episode. Man, re-watching, the anvils, they are a-dropping.

Steph chases the twins all around the house. I beat my head against the wall as Ug steps in to save the day. Turns out that Steph had the colors of the boys' pajamas switched. You know, I liked this story line a lot better when it was Steph bailing out an incompetent Kimmy who was baby-sitting the twins. Trying to recycle an old plot and replacing Stephanie with Ug is a major DOWNGRADE. Because the writers hate us so much, they have Steph beg the wise Michelle for help because she's just so wonderful. The power hungry little Trollsen is energized by her sudden surge of authority and becomes all militant, barking orders at the boys. Oh, how I would have loved them to stage a revolt against the tyrannical UgSnot.

Back at TPC, Estelle is in the process of correctly identifying Danny's recurring nightmare as him being naked on a Stairmaster(TM). Yeesh, sounds like my nightmare... Bob Saget naked anywhere! I keed I keed, he's a sexy piece.

Becky says that she's tired of upsetting Jesse by proving his predictability, so she opts to pass rather than risk once again matching Jesse's answer. Jesse pleads with her to say something, and when they roll the video, we see Jesse saying "Let's see her try and match this: I pass!" Exasperated, Jesse says he gives up, and there's no way to surprise her. Becky says he should look at it as a positive thing that they know each other so well, as it's an integral part of being a loving married couple. They tell Joey to back off.

DJ shmoopily hopes to one day know as much about Steve as Becky and Jesse know about each other. Steve says that every day with her is like Christmas because each new thing he learns about her is like unwrapping a present. Joe Stone comments on the cheesiness of this statement, and DJ says that it's so sweet. They kiss and say eff TPC and go off to "learn" things about each other, wink wink.

Estelle and Danny end up being the Perfect Couple and win a trip to Cabo San Lucas! Sweet! Joey gets the job as the producer cites if he can be this vicious with his own family, imagine the havoc Joey can wreak on strangers! Joey says thanks but no thanks, and turns in his capped teeth and doofy wig.

Vicky rushes in, and way to miss the party there, Vic. She was late because she was in a meeting with the head of the network. Which network? Who knows? Better yet, who cares? She's been offered a job to anchor the network news... in New York. Danny is obviously saddened by the news. Vicky tries to put a positive spin on things, saying that they'll pretty much be the same as how they have been, only with her stationed in New York rather than Chicago. Danny laments that he doesn't want things to stay the same, he wants things to get better and closer. He tells her that he wanted to sit down and set a date for the wedding. Vicky tries to stay upbeat, and says they just need to wait a little longer. Danny sadly replies that he can't do that, because it hurts too much. Aww is anyone else's heart breaking? Just a little bit? Vicky unrealistically suggests that Danny moves to NY. He tells her that he can't uproot his entire family and that everyone he cares about is on the west coast... that is, everyone but Vicky. Vicky says she can't give up her dream and Danny says he can't ask her to give up her dream, so he'll give up his. They break up and admit that love isn't enough. Thud. There's that anvil that's been falling all episode long.

Damn, teary-eyed Bob Saget is really tugging at my heartstrings.

Back at the house, Danny is sitting alone by the fire as Christmas carols play. Shit, it's fucking Christmastime and he just broke off his engagement? Poor Danny! The girls come in and try to cheer Danny up. Well, DJ and Stephanie do. All Ug does is offer him a tuna melt. DJ and Steph tell him that they'll miss Vicky too, but also say they've been getting along fine without a mother thus far and even though it hurts, they still have each other. The brokenhearted father embraces his three daughters over the swelling music of "The First Noel" in the background.

There, now I've gotten everyone in the holiday spirit. I'll try to be much better with updates in the future. Promise!