Thursday, May 22, 2008

The Birth of the Tanner Twister, or Stephanie Plays the Field (4.22)

Danny comes in with an armful of groceries and for some reason enlists the assistance of Ug to unload. She spies a package of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and tries to sneak away with them. He totally busts her and it's all sunshine and giggles and once again, the opening scene causes me to die a little inside.

Danny's polishing baseball bats with Rusty and ew, that sounds wicked dirty. Stephanie comes in with a boy and they are followed by DJ, whom Stephanie's apparently been ignoring the entire walk home. Stephanie is all google-eyed as she introduces the strapping young lad as "My Brett." She quickly corrects herself and explains it's her friend Brett who plays for the Cubs with a batting average of .421 with 6 stolen bases and one error that was the result of when a ball hit a rock and therefore it wasn't really his fault. Rusty is on the rival Giants and begins talking smack to Brett until Danny sends Brett away. Danny tells Rusty that he's going to teach him the fine art of how to slide without getting dirty.

Girl talk upstairs! Steph asks DJ how to tell if Brett likes her and says that her heart beats "Brett Brett, Brett Brett." She asks DJ for advice and she suggests that they hang out together and see if there's romantic prospects. Stephanie asks how it's possible that with all of this sage advice and experience, DJ doesn't have a boyfriend. DJ explains that she's been playing hard to get, and Steph deadpans, "Oh. Well you're going a really great job."

Jesse and Becky are ready to break in their new apartment, formerly known as Danny's attic, now to be known as the "attipartment". Jesse unveils the piece de resistance: the bed that comes out of the wall. Becky remarks, "Oo, that is really tacky... but I love it." You would, you kinky Nebraskan freak! Just then they are interrupted by a troll who greets them, "Hello Mr. and Mrs. Katsopolis." That's right, it's Ug. Jesse sarcastically replies, "Oh goody, Michelle's here." Ha! That's how I feel every time she enters a scene too! Jesse and Becky try to gently tell her that they want to be alone, and Michelle looks around the empty attipartment and says that they are alone, silly. Jesse launches Michelle into the air under the guise of playing airplane and lands her outside the door, closing and locking it behind her. Obviously, I'd be annoyed as shit too, but uh, this is kind of the reason why you don't move back home after you get married, fuckwit.

Michelle is still outside the door hollering, and eventually concedes, "Fine! I'm leaving... but you're gonna miss me!" Somehow... I doubt it. She stomps into Joey's room where he's working on filing his taxes and apparently he owes a shit ton of money. He's contemplating the likelihood of being able to write off $10K citing "business dinners at the Sizzler." Whoa, hold up there Gladstone: YOU DROPPED $10K AT THE FUCKING SIZZLER??!?!

Time for everyone's favorite Milkman segue into a real life, not necessarily related anecdote. There's this dude I worked with and he had a really shitty car that was always breaking down and even though he made the most money out of all of us, he somehow couldn't manage to pay for either a new car, or to fix his old car to get it back on the road. This was confusing to the rest of us, until one day one of his friends got drunk and told one of the big workplace blabbermouth bitches that the reason he was so in debt was because he spent $3000 renting porn on his cable bill. The worst thing is that they were all "Daddy's Little Girls." He dropped 3 THOUSAND DOLLARS renting the same porn over and over again (and a few others, I'm sure). Dude, just spend 40 bucks on the DVD. Eventually he paid off his massive porn bill and got a new car and was slightly more fiscally responsible (sans the nasty Crown Royal and Coke habit), and he's since moved away, but I'll always remember the ridiculous porn bill.

Joey tries to explain to Michelle that being newlyweds, Jesse and Becky want their privacy. She asks what they want that for and Joey says they need it "to... do their taxes." Ah, the neverending slew of euphemisms for sexual intercourse. Michelle asks if they're going to be doing their "taxis" [sic, her idiot ass] every night? And Joey replies that they will for the first couple of months. And gross, does he really need to delve that far into the Katsopolis sexcapades?

In the attipartment of sin, Jesse and Becky are trying to get it on with some sexytime, and they are interrupted yet again by a knock on the door. Jesse tries to tell Michelle that they're sleeping and is startled when he's answered by Joey's voice questioning why he's talking then. Somehow, Jesse manages to turn the tables and force Joey to play with Michelle and get the Ug out of their hair.

The next day, Stephanie decides that she wants to play Little League too, in order to get closer to Brett. She throws and Rusty remarks that "the babe's got an arm." Danny takes slight offense to the reference of his young daughter as a babe, but does recognize her natural skillz and asks her to pitch for the Giants. Steph throws a nasty curve ball which Rusty dubs the Tanner Twister, the namesake of this blog. Stephanie is stoked and remarks "I love being a jock."

The next day is the big baseball game showdown between the Giants and the Cubs. Danny tells the guys how excited Michelle is because he told her she could be batboy. Now, I know this is probably going to destroy all of my street-cred, but just then Ug walks in dressed in a Batman costume and I might have actually chuckled a bit. But, I tend to think of it as laughing at her stupidity, rather than anything she did intentionally to be funny.

Brett Brett comes in to visit Steph and wish her luck before the game. He shows her that he drew an "ST" with a heart around it on his bat and declares her to be his girlfriend. Stephanie's creaming her jeans over this gesture and Brett passive aggressively mentions that he's a little afraid to face her and the Twister (cough, PUSSY, cough) and doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of his family and suggests that maybe she throw him a few easy ones. Stephanie is hesitant and Brett apparently doesn't notice her discomfort with the situation and thinks she's onboard.

It's game time. Steph's apparently pitching a great game and Joey is sitting at a table and commentating over a loudspeaker and like really? Do they need color commentary and play by plays for a little league game? Is that common practice and was I just snubbed because as a girl I played the lowly softball rather than little league baseball? Brett's up to bat and Joey has given him the moniker of "Danger Brett Davis." Last time he was up he hit a double and now he hits a homerun. I guess Steph decided to go along with the plan.

Now changed out of her Batman costume, she's now in a Giants shirt. But it's a t-shirt for the NY Giants football team rather than the SF Giants baseball team. Grrr, shit like that annoys me. Stephanie's up to bat and is thrown out at first and Jesse throws a fit arguing with the umpire until Danny tells him that she was out. Once Jesse settles down and is back in his seat, Becky promises him a snow cone if he behaves and Jesse simply replies, "I like cherry." Hee!

Naturally, the game comes down to Brett's final at-bat. She has 2 strikes on him and Joey remarks that you can cut the tension with a knife. He then covers the mic and yells for a hot dog. Stephanie signals for Danny to come to the mound and asks him to send DJ to her. Joey thinks they're bringing in another pitcher "wait no, another daughter." As DJ runs to the mound Joey profiles her as someone who "loves the mall and the beach and spends hours in the bathroom." DJ is rightfully mortified by the latter half and chastises Joey for it. Steph asks DJ what to do and DJ says that if Brett's for real, she shouldn't need to throw the game for him.

Joey comments that this game's a real nailbiter and again covers the mic, this time calling for nachos. Stephanie throws the Tanner Twister and strikes him out. Everyone rejoices and I'm sorry but that is waaaayyyyy too much excitement over a season opener victory. Stephanie is hoisted onto the shoulders of her teammates as she notices Brett kicking at the ground and looking utterly dejected, and is unable to relish in her victory. Wow, Brett's really bringing the bitchassness, isn't he?

But, all is well when Brett comes by the Tanner house to congratulate Steph on her win and apologize citing that he should have never asked her to cheat for him. Once again it's sunshine, candy and rainbows in the land of puppy love, and they go inside to watch the generically titled "Sports Channel."

Thursday, May 8, 2008

"Well, I can see by the hole in the wall that it's time for me to go." or The Hole in the Wall Gang (4.21)

Oops, was running errands and missed the intro bit to this episode. My guess is it probably involved Ug doing something obnoxious that only the most feeble-minded viewers would construe as "cute."

Jesse and Becky are moving back into the Tanner house and Jesse is trying to single-handedly perform all of the construction tasks to convert the attic into an apartment. He turns off the water just as Danny's about to rinse his shampoo out. When Danny complains, he squeegees his head. Hee.

They're not the only ones moving. Stephanie is moving all of her stuff back into the room she previously shared with DJ. DJ and Kimmy are experimenting with different cosmetics and Kimmy tries on some orange lipstick. It actual doesn't look as horrible as you'd imagine, it actually suits her coloring and personality, so I actually kind of like it. DJ however, vetoes it and tells her that it's a good look if she's "dating Ronald McDonald." Ouch.

Up in the attic/apartment, Jesse has successfully installed a working light switch. And it only took him 4 days. God damn. Is Jesse even a qualified electrician? I knew he was an exterminator, advertiser, and quasi-mechanic, but this trade seems a little bit out of his reach. Meh, I'll stop nit-picking... this topic, that is.

Just then Danny comes in with wet hair, apparently Jesse shut off the electricity as Danny was attempting to blowdry his hair. The DanMan begins to wonder if Jesse's purposely trying to fuck with him. Becky is getting exasperated about the length of the process of converting the attic into their new abode and convinces Jesse to let Joey assist him.

In the girls' shared room, Stephanie has redecorated her side of the room, now complete with a Nelson poster! Bwah! Afteeer the raaaainn! I can't live without your love and affection! Stephanie is also rocking the same uber hairsprayed bang-y style as DJ and a near identical outfit with a slightly different colored shirt. Stephanie has their night planned out with mature yougn women of the 90s activities: watch MTV, call boys and shave their legs! Danny thinks it's cute that they're dressed the same. DJ begs to differ.

DJ and Kimmy are going to the mall and Stephanie invites herself to tag along. DJ goes to Danny's room for a dress shirt and tie to wear, and what do you know? Avril Lavigne was scamming style tips off of DJ Tanner. I always knew she was like the biggest poser ever! Kimmy seizes this rare opportunity of being unsupervised in the TanMan's room to try and fuck with his OCD self and subtly mess up the order of his room. Stephanie naturally tries to follow and replicate DJ's outfit, and as they're playing tug of war with a shirt, they bring down the beam in the closet, knocking all of Danny's carefully organized shirts to the ground.

DJ and Stephanie grab hold of either side of the pole and argue over whose fault it is. They pull it back and forth between them and finally Steph releases it and the force throws DJ and the beam backwards and punches a hole in the wall beside Danny's dresser. DJ is horrified and asks what they're going to do. Stephanie's solution? "I know! Let's blame Kimmy!"

The girls go up to the atticpartment and ask Joey and Jesse, hypothetically, how they would fix it if Joey punched a hole in the wall. Jesse says that would never happen because he doesn't let Joey touch any tools. Finally, Jesse outlines the process for them. The girls misdirect their attention by question the level of a window frame, and while their backs are turned, Steph and DJ make a run for it with the needed supplies to patch up the hole.

Jesse orders Joey around, telling him to get electrical tape, and Joey responds doing an Igor impression. Jesse proclaims himself the king of home improvement (though I believe that crown has been firmly planted on Tim Allen's head) and declares Joey the court jester. Jesse is working on his tacky bed that comes out of the wall and manages to close himself into the wall trapped behind the bed. Fortunately for him, there's a little cabinet adjacent to the bed, that Joey opens up to mock him through.

Joey forces Jesse to apologize before agreeing to free him, and once he establishes that Jesse is truly stuck, he takes this opportunity to do something that he's always wanted to do: muss up Jesse's perfect coif.

In Danny's room, the girls have "successfully" covered the hole. The reason for the quotes is that although the hole is covered, it looks like shit. They slide all of Danny's furniture over to cover the hole, and send Ug out as a distraction to delay Danny so that they have time to rearrange the room. You never see them move the supplies out of the room and it probably reeks like paint so I don't know how they're really expecting to get away with this?

Even when faced with the most simple task, Ug fails miserably, but somehow the girls have managed to pull their moves off anyway. Her master distraction tactic? Telling Danny her phone number... with her eyes closed. Danny: "She even told me her phone number with her eyes closed... the question is, why did she?" DJ and Steph quickly come up with a story that they were in his room looking for inspiration to write a song about him. Danny's not sold and demands that they sing the song for him and they wing it:

"Dad dad dad dad,
He's our Dad, and he has a really clean room
He keeps it that way with a mop and a broom!

It's pretty heinous, and Danny's not really buying it, but he's had a hard day so he let's this excuse slide. Danny tries to place his wallet on his bureau and hang his coat on the rack, and misses due to the furniture shift. He comments that he must be a little off, and decides to take a nap. The girls leave him to rest in peace and urge him not to miss the bed.

Back in their shared room, the girls are stoked that they actually got away with something and can't believe their good fortune in Danny's fatigue inspired gullibility. They remark that the experience has brought them closer together and I'm amazed because I think this is truly the only time in the entire duration of the series that any of the girls successfully get away with doing something bad.

Michelle copies Steph and she comments how annoying it is. DJ is pretty much like "No shit, Sherlock. Now you know how I feel." DJ tells Stephanie that she's in the works to be a pretty cool teenager eventually, but until then, she should just be her cool pre-teen self and not obsess over emulating DJ's every move. Just then, Ug comes in in the same outfit as DJ and Stephanie, a pinkish long sleeve off shoulder shirt with matching socks, black biker shorts, black tank top underneath and black shoes, teased hair, dangly earrings.

Danny comes in, figured out what was amiss, someone moved baking soda in his underwear drawer. Which begs the question, why WAS kimmy in his underwear drawer?