Monday, September 29, 2008

"At the end of the second period, the score's 4-4..." "That's a tie!" or Nice Guys Finish First (6.9)

Tee hee, this episode is #9 in Season 6, making it's call number 6.9. Tee hee. Yes, I'm twelve.

DJ's finally starting driving lessons around the block with Danny. They return to the house and he's visibly shaken. When my Dad did driving lessons with me, his rage left me shaken. God, I hated learning to drive with my Dad. UgTwat being the little idiot that she is, is freaking out scared of the Norwegian Goat Boy. It's piss-poor story lines like this that show how far the writers would go to center an episode around Michelle. I mean, seriously? Norwegian Goat Boy?

Becky comes in with the twins to listen to Jesse and Joey's radio show... like they actually give a fuck. The Rush Hour Renegades and the radio station are giving away ice to callers in honor of the fact that Joey is playing in a charity hockey game. Their guest this afternoon is Hershel Binkley, the opposing goalie of the other team. Turns out that ol' Hershel is a familiar face from Joey's past. He pulls out a chintzy plastic hockey goalie's mask that has a red brick pattern painted on it. Back when they knew one another, Hershel went by the moniker of "Stonewall" and he was Joey's rival when he played hockey in college because he apparently stopped Joey's potential game-winning goal. And like seriously? First, isn't stopping pucks sort of part of a goalie's job? I don't see how that's some great embarrassment for Joey. Second, how old is this guy that he's still desperately clinging to this moment? Thirdly, with a name like Hershel, is he really one to make fun of anyone? And lastly, I really hate this massive tool because he's making me defend Joey. I need to pump some "You Oughta Know" and take a scalding hot shower to wash away my shame.

Um anyway, Joey acts like a total pussy and backs down from all of Stonewall's jaw-jacking. Jesse tries to come to his defense, but Stonewall leaves all smug and triumphant. Again, this guy is like mondo pathetic. I can't stand those jockstrap types who can't let go of their glory days. Later, the family all goes ice skating together and we learn that Danny's practically a professional figure skater. His stunt double launches into a fancy jump, and Danny sheepisly claims he's a little rusty citing "I hardly got any height on that double axle." And this is why I love Danny Tanner, he got a bad rap as a total uptight toolbag, but he's got some great one-liners. And a secret past as a figure skater? Brilliant! The family all joins hands to play "Crack the Whip" and it's at this point that I wonder, who the hell is watching Nicky and Alex? Better question, why do I care? Jesse is less than skilled on his skates and goes flying off the end of the line and into the wall of the rink. Bwah!

Who should interrupt this happy family moment than friggin' Stonewall. He begins chastising Joey again, and Danny reads my mind and asks Stonewall "Is your life so pathetic and empty that you need to live in the past?" To his credit, Stonewall actually answers "Well... yes." Joey finally tires of all the teasing and breaks his stick over his knee. Michelle looks scared, I laugh. I sure hope that wasn't Joey's only hockey stick.

Danny is prepping DJ for her first time on the free way. He asks her to define the lanes and she does as such: The left lane is "the entirely too fast lane", the second lane is "the still entirely too fast lane" and the right lane is "for geeks and nerds." Heh. True dat. Danny is less than pleased with her assessment, and DJ assures him that she is happy to be a geek and nerd, and to drive in the slow lane so long as it allows her to drive outside of their neighborhood. Michelle, meanwhile, is still pissing and moaning about the freaking Goat Boy! Seriously writers, give it up! Stop trying to thrust Ug into the spotlight of every episode, it's just non sequitur at this point! My favorite obnoxious neighbor and yours, Kimmy Gibbler stops by not only to fan the flames of Ug's idiotic fears, but also tacks on the tale of the Muttman. Although I loathe the attention being wasted on Michelle, I must say that at least she's being tortured, so it makes it a little more tolerable. Christ, now she's whining about being afraid of Joey as he's getting all pumped up for the game. He promises to not be scary and God, I am SO over this catering to a 6 year old.

Finally it's time for the charity Hockey game. The play by play is being broadcast on the guys' radio station with the painful commentary of the anti-jock, Jesse Katsopolis. He hasn't the slightest grasp on the rules of hockey and his play-by-play is hilarious but quite uninformative. The game's getting rough and Joey goes to punch Stonewall in his porky mouth, but then looks at UgTwat making her "I just smelled a turd" face which is supposed to convey fear, and he releases his grip and skates away. Jesse totally calls him out on his pussiness. At this point, Becky thankfully steps in to take over the commentary. She grew up with a lot of brothers and knows her shit. The buzzer goes off and a mystified Jesse asks "Did someone pull the fire alarm?" Haha, Jesse's ignorance is cracking me up. At this point, Michelle has the balls to tell Joey he's playing like a weenie, and he says he won't play like a meanie, but is it okay if he plays like an in-betweenie. I shit you not, this grown ass man is lowering himself to bargaining with a 6 year old about how aggressively he can play a hockey game using the most ridiculous rhyming lingo that's making my ears bleed and soul die. If I roll my eyes any harder, I might strain something and need to up my contact lens prescription.

So Joey's now playing in in-betweenie mode and Becky notes that somebody lit a fire under Joey's ass, but in more PG rated terminology. Time's running out and Joey is on a breakaway, but someone on the opposing team hooks his skates and pulls him down. Time expires and Jesse thinks the game's over, but Becky corrects him that Joey is entitled to a penalty shot. Becky over-dramatics, "It all comes down to this." Jesse, not wanting to be left out adds on, "This... is what it all comes down to." Bwah! Joey takes the shot and naturally makes it. Becky screams "Do you believe in miracles?" Um, I don't really think Joey's winning goal in some podunk charity game really compares to the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team's triumph over the Soviet Union, but to each their own. Stonewall looks utterly dejected and you just know that that pathetic loser went home and killed himself. He probably sliced his wrists open on his skates because his non-professional hockey career was the only thing he had going for him in his miserable life.

Joey celebrates by skating around the ice with Michelle hoisted on his shoulders. Ew, I won't even comment about him having Ug's twat rubbing all up on the back of his neck. Nasty. Man, I don't even know why I chose to recap this episode. It was completely focused on Joey and Michelle, the two most loathsome characters, and it brought out a lot of hostility in me. Next time, I'll do a more fun, fluffier episode that generates less hateful snark.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

"Look Joey we caught our first fish, a big-mouth Gibbler" or The Last Dance (7.17)

Holy hell the Milkman has been resurrected from her dormant state. I truly apologize to all of my faithful readers who may have been constantly checking for new updates and were inevitably disappointed each and ever time. I deeply apologize for my unscheduled hiatus, let's just say there was a lot of personal drama, heartache, mean girls, problems at the office and just a whole bunch of shit that compiled together and dropped me into a blogless funk. But, I just ate a shit ton of the new kickass Volcano Tacos(c) from Taco bell and polished off my 2 liter of Coke, so I'm all wired and ready to mock the hell out of a certain fug troll known as Michelle Tanner. Ironically enough, I'm making my return with one of the most legitimately sad episodes, but rest assure, the shitty acting of the Olsen twins results in much mockery. This is also my first recap from Season 7... expect lots of anecdotal segues.

The family is in the kitchen stuffing grape leaves in preparation for the arrival of Grandpa "Papouli" Katsopolis. I do love any episode about the Greeks as the traditions they reference bring back memories of my childhood. For instance, the stuffed grape leaves, which subsequently I hated. I'd probably like them a lot more now if I tried them as in more recent years I've become a lot more adventurous in what I put in my mouth (yes, that sounds dirty, but I'll allow it), but I don't have the most pleasant memories of eating them as a youngun. DJ's on her way to the mall to buy the coolest pair of sunglasses. She begins describing them,

just as Kimmy comes in wearing the same exact pair! Oh snap! This results in a little tiff as DJ's pissed because apparently she called "dibs" on them. Hey, you snooze you lose, Deej. I was shopping with my friends for a Playboy mansion themed party a few weeks back and my friend who's about 30lbs heavier than I am picked up a corset I'd already tried on and decided to buy and demanded that I put it back because she wanted it. I'm a stubborn asshole, so I said hell to the no, and bought that bitch. Besides, it wouldn't have fit her anyway. Not being mean, it's just totally true.

Jesse comes home with Papouli and Papouli has the damndest time identifying his great granddaughters. He guesses them all wrong, and when they correct him cheerfully replies "Of course you are!" It's pretty cute, I love the old guy playing Papouli. UgTwat is extremely rude and disrespectful making comments such as "You have no idea who any of us are!" and when Papouli says "Who could forget Rebecca?" she snots, "I bet you could." Like seriously? I know it's supposed to be "funny" but who the fuck was ever allowed to speak to their elders like that? So he can't remember their names, he's met them what? Twice? I so wanted someone to smack Michelle down or scold her for speaking to Papouli like that, but of course, no one does. Unfuckingbelievable.

More Greek food name-dropping, this time Moussaka! Mmm, I haven't have Moussaka in so long, I should ask my mom to make some. But, I'd probably be better off going to the Greek Cafe downtown. My mom's kind of out of practice with executing Greek recipes. DJ whines about her feud with Kimmy and Papouli tries to tell her a Greek fable and she pretty much blows him off. Where did these girls learn their manners? Fucking A! Papouli and the girls appear to be moving a lot of flour around on the kitchen table, perhaps in preparation to make some Kourabiedes (which, btw, I spelt right without aid of a dictionary, (insert self-congratulatory pat on back of shoulder))? Papouli wipes flour on their noses and cheeks and this launches a full-on flour fight. They yell "Opa!" and I can't help but notice that my, that's an awful lot of flour they got there. Jesse comes down and acts like a stiff and comments that they're making a mess, but he eventually loosens up and joins the fun.

In the living room, Papouli is teaching Ug how to dance. He tries to get Jesse to, but again he acts like a poop and says that someone has to clean up the mess in the kitchen. He claims he doesn't dance to which Papouli replies, "If you're Greek, you dance." To which I reply, only when I'm hammered or I don't think anyone is watching. But allow me to reference Jesse's future attempt at dancing in a genie themed rap video for "Forever" and say that the Jess man is seriously lacking in the rhythm department. Papouli's pretty much the cutest thing ever, teaching them a lesson about Greek pride and explaining that the reason they dance is because they can't contain their happiness. Ug asks Papouli if he'll come with her to show and tell to teach her class the Greek dance (they literally refer to it as "The Greek Dance") and he agrees and she says "I love you, Papouli." Oh sure, you sass him all day for his poor memory and then when he agrees to do something for you, you love him. What a little shitkicker.

As we transition overnight, the background music becomes a sad Greek instrumental. We see the entire family gathered around the kitchen table the next day, all somber with red, teary eyes. Ruh roh. I remember watching a rerun of this episode in college with my hardcore/goth/industrial/hardass roommate, and at this point she became all verklempt and tearful. It's hard for me to snark on any of them because they're really selling the sadness. Especially Jesse who says he feels helpless and guilty... he must be reaching back to his days as Blackie Parrish on "General Hospital." Jesse fights through the pain and tears and refuses to let the rest of the family help him make any funeral arrangements. Just then, Ug comes home all smiley and hideous from her Honeybee meeting. Because her head's so far up her ass, she fails to immediately notice that the family's all dressed in black and on the verge of tears. Finally she surmises "Something's wrong..." Uhhh, ya think? Seriously, is she the world's biggest idiot or what? Don't answer that, I think we all know that's the case.

Danny gently informs her that Papouli died in his sleep the night before and with absolutely zero emotion or inflection, Ug deadpans "What?" and continues in her monotone "No. He's not dead." I shit you not, the flatness with which she delivers the lines is completely laughable and ridiculous. It completely takes you out of the scene. Why didn't they have an acting coach work with those trolls to invoke some semblance of emotion. Gaaa this shit is painful. Michelle then takes the fug craft she made at her Honeybee meeting for Papouli and smashes it on the ground. Ohhh...kay. Man, she's a little shit.

Up in their shared room, Stephanie goes to talk to Ug and emphasizes the importance of staying strong for Uncle Jesse. She says they can't let him see them cry and advises her that whenever she feels sad to imagine Joey stuffing an entire donut in his mouth. Methinks that would make me sadder. Just then, Jesse comes in to check on the girls and Ug has this psychotic fake smile plastered on her face. My, she's a little freak.

The next day, Danny tells Jesse that Papouli's death made him realize how short and precious life is, so he went out and bought a boat which he named Papouli. They have a really manly brotherly embrace, and my heartstrings, they are being a-tugged. Jesse fights back the tears, and I wish to God this show had some continuity and that we ever saw this boat again. On a random shallow note, Stephanie has been sporting some truly awful and horrendous braids all episode. The braids are too far forward, as in they are braided over her ears and with Jodi Sweetin's awkward tween features it's... not a good look. I'll just chalk it up to this being her "mourning hair."

Kimmy comes over to offer her condolences to DJ and Deej finally realizes the point of Papouli's story and there are apologies all around. Hooray! Friends again. Those sunglasses were fug anyway, ladies!

Jesse, meanwhile, receives a phone call from Michelle's school because apparently the little troll never showed up to school. As if Jesse doesn't have enough on his plate to worry about, he has a mild panic attack wondering where the little fugnasty went. He sees her hiding in the boat and catches her by her grubby little hand by leaving out a chocolate pudding lure. Jesse and Michelle talk and she says that if she acts sad and cries, then she can't be strong for Jesse. He asks where she got the idea that she needed to be strong from, and she totally throws Steph under the bus. Jesse says that what Stephanie told her was wrong and that he'll "have a talk with her about it." Way to go, UgTwat.

Michelle whines that Papouli was supposed to come with her to school that day to teach the dance to her class and she was afraid that if she went and he wasn't there, she'd be sad. Jesse tells Ug that she should always show her feelings and Michelle's all "I loved Papouli. I was his Little Michelle." Jesse replies, "I was his Little Jesse." The undertones of that which I read are "I was really his favorite as he knew me way longer and actually could put a name to my face, so back the fuck up on this sadness because this is MY bag, troll!" And like seriously, this was the second time she ever met him. Get over it, Michelle. Attention whoring little shit. Jesse is much bigger than I am and says that it's okay to be sad and Ug asks, "Uncle Jesse, is it okay to cry?" Oh my GOD, the acting by whatever Olsen this is in this scene is KILLING ME. I am now deader than Papouli after being subjected to this drivel. Why couldn't they have done these scenes with Stephanie? He says "You bet" and they cry and hug and I die a little more inside.

Jesse brings Michelle to school and drops her off. She attempts to show her class the Greek dance, but only remembers the first step. Seriously? God she sucks at all aspects of life. Luckily, sexy brooding Uncle Jesse was still lurking nearby, and he comes in and saves the day and they Greek dance their pants off.

This episode is actually pretty good, and the entire family besides Michelle is really great and convincing in their grief, so I wish they'd gone a different route than the typical UgCentric episode. Apologies again to all the readers (that is, if you all didn't abandon ship during the lengthy hiatus)- I promise to be better in the future.