"What is it with you kids and Ding-Dongs?" or Sisters in Crime (5.14)

Jesse and Becky are in the kitchen, engaged in a burping contest with the twins in order to escape diaper duty for the remainder of the day. Naturally, it wouldn't be a Full House opening segment without UgTot popping up to butt her nose in. When Jesse tells her they are having a contest to see who burps force, UgTot belches loudly with an "In Your Face" and depart. Charming.

Becky is preparing the twins for a trip to the infamous Aunt Ida's. Joey, Jesse and Danny come out dressed in full hockey gear ready for a day of male bonding via a charity hockey game. The doorbell rings and it's Vicki acting like a cat in heat, salivating over Danny in his manly goalie uniform. Jesse rubs the twins' heads for good luck and tells Becky that if their hair doesn't start growing soon "I'm buying them matching baby toupees." Womp womp.

With all the adults on their way out the door, we learn that poor DJ sacrificed her Saturday night to baby-sit Stephanie and Ug because Hunka-Hunk Steve never called. Danny's parting words to DJ include making sure Stephanie finishes her book report and keeping Ug inside because the princess has the sniffles. So you know Deej is going to fail on both accounts- Sitcom foreshadowing!

In the kitchen, Stephanie is trying to play the role of the dutiful good daughter and is hard at work on her book report. Unfortunately for her, she has an Ug sniffling her bratty boogers in her ear. Oh Ug, how I loathe you... let me count the ways. Back in the living room, the doorbell rings and it's none other than "I was the voice of Aladdin" Steve. Turns out he wasn't blowing DJ off, but sent a note through some of her friends to ask her out. It's called a telephone, Steve. Ever heard of it? Steve wants to go to the movies, and DJ is about to drop her panties and run out the door, but she remembers her baby-sitting duties. Desperate for a piece of that Steve sandwich, DJ suggests that she just bring her "adorable" sisters along. I'm sure Steve is thrilled.

 DJ rushes into the kitchen to tell Steph and Ug to put on their coats because they are going to the movies. Ug snots back that she isn't allowed to leave the house because "Dad said." Oh sure, the one time Michelle actually listens and wants to follow the rules is at the expense of her sister's love life. DJ tries to sell Steve's appeal on her sisters: "You don't get it. The hottest guy in the junior class is in our living room. He has his own car. And he can grow a mustache in less than a month." Steve offers DJ an out, because he knows he won't be feeling up on any of that Tanner tittay in the back row of the theater with the chillens present.

 Stephanie and Michelle are thoroughly unimpressed with Steve. Steph demands to see his driver's license and Ug challenges him, "Let's see you grow a mustache." Steve tries to hurry them along because Thunder Raceway starts in a half hour. Methanie, I mean Stephanie, has to be a total buzzkill and refuses to see the movie because it's PG and she lacks parental guidance. Turns out the only G movie playing is something called The Littlest Sea Lion, which delights both Ug and Steph. Man, Steve must be really hard up, because he agrees to see The Littlest Sea Lion stating, "Hey it's alright. Hopefully, we won't even be watching the movie." Which, ew. Really dude? In front of her little sisters? Maybe we should call you Skeeve.

At the theater, Meth and Ug blew through all of DJ's money on a smorgasbord of movie snacks, rendering DJ unable to purchase tickets. Steve only has money for himself and DJ and wonders if they should just forget about their date. DJ is desperate for a piece of that skeevy Aladdin action, so she finds Kimmy, who is an usher in the theater (convenient!) and she agrees to sneak the little rugrats in. Stephanie of course can't just walk into the theater and leave well enough alone, she has to interrogate Kimmy and DJ for her stubs. I don't know why Steve didn't just give her his and DJ's stubs, but instead, Kimmy makes up some story that they were the millionth customers and won a free movie pass.

In the theater, DJ separates herself from the brats so she can get all up on Steve. The theater manager comes up and asks for their stubs because lately they've had incidents of kids theater hopping. Ah theater hopping, a former favorite past time of mine. I remember when Gladiator came out, I was only 15 so my friend and I bought tickets to some G rated cartoon and we snuck in so we could enjoy Russell Crowe in all of his muscular, hot, sexy, bloody goodness. Uh, but I digress.

Kimmy sees this all go down and alerts DJ who is throat deep on Steve's face that her sisters were busted. DJ is of course only worried about herself and what will happen if they call her Dad. Kimmy is concerned about losing her job and hopes that they won't rat her out. Cut to Stephanie in the manager's office, spelling out Gibbler to ensure that she's fired. Although she's normally my fave, I've got to say that Stephanie is kind of a shit in this episode.

 The manager is baffled as to why Kimmy would tell them they were the one millionth customers, when the theater has only been open a week. Stephanie says that Kimmy is a nutcase. All of a sudden, DJ bursts in to save the day. She tells the manager that Stephanie and Michelle, aka "Snake" and "Sniffles," have been running this scam all over town, sneaking into various G rated movies. She defends Kimmy's innocence and assures the manager that the girls will be dealt with.

At home, DJ is convincing Ug and Steph to tell Danny some "fiblets" regarding their afternoon. She tells them that the key to a fiblet is details. I beg to differ, Deej. Throwing in too many unnecessary details always screams bullshit. She tells Stephanie to say that she spent all day on her book report, enjoying a diagonally cut bologna sandwich, chocolate milk and a Ho-Ho for lunch. Stephanie requests a Ding-Dong as opposed to a Ho-Ho. DJ tells Michelle to say that they played Candy Land and Ug won. Ug would also like a fictitious Ding-Dong. When DJ tries to review the day's events, Ug reverts back to the truth. Stephanie rightly assesses that they are so busted.

Danny, Jesse and Joey come in squabbling about their less than stellar hockey performance. Turns out Jesse can't skate, and Danny couldn't stop a puck to save his life. Danny was consumed by the filth among his goal and spent more time cleaning than defending, and Jesse ended up scoring the winning goal... for the other team. Jesse tells Joey that him and his mullet take the game too seriously. They begin arguing throwing around such awesome names as "Dippity Do Head", "Elmer Fudd Face" and "Mop and Glow." Bwah.

Becky comes home with the twins who are covered in lip stick marks from their visit to Aunt Ida's. She chastises the guys, comparing them to chimps at the zoo. The guys are remorseful for a moment, and then resume their pissing contest by seeing who can do the most push-ups. God, just whip 'em out already, guys.

Danny comes up to the girls' room and Danny fawns over how mature and responsible DJ is. DJ's inner monologue is agonizing over her deceit. Stephanie tells Danny about her day and it sounds so obviously rehearsed that DJ is convinced their busted. But, fortunately for them, Danny must have taken a few too many shots to the head because he buys it. Now it's Ug's turn and she upholds the lie! DJ laments that she turned her sisters into liars, but is comforted that at least they are good liars.

Danny wants to take the girls to the movies as a reward and goes on and on about how wonderful DJ is and how she is getting a raise on her allowance. DJ finally cracks and confesses the whole thing, resulting in all three girls being grounded. "Even me? Your little princess?" Yes, even you, you little shit.

Danny leaves and Steph asks why DJ confessed when they had gotten away with it. DJ asks if she ever hears the voice in her head that tells her she's doing wrong. Steph retorts, "Yeah, but I told it to shut up and listen to you." Michelle is unsurprisingly unfamiliar with the concept of a conscience and thinks it sounds like a nuisance. And is that really a surprise to anyone? Self-centered, amoral and remorseless Ug. So that's why she acts the way she does, she's a sociopath! Mystery solved.