Tuesday, April 15, 2008

"Yep, he's clean... as a doornail." or A Fish Called Martin (4.17)

Jesse and the Rippers are rehearsing in the living room with special guest guitarist, UgTot Tanner. Gee, I can't imagine why the band kicks Jesse out later on in the series when he pulls stunts like these. They play" Doo-Waa Ditty" featuring Michelle on backing vocals. Once they're done, she does some Celine Dion chest thumps and demands they play "I'm a Little Teapot." Why? Why do these grown ass people kowtow to a 4 year old? Ridiculous!

Jesse and Becky are macking on the living room couch, eagerly awaiting their upcoming wedding. Becky drops the bombshell that in her family, they have a tradition of doing a square dance and Jesse is firmly against the idea. Joey, Danny and Michelle come in from a day at the carnival with Michelle toting a goldfish she won. At 25 cents a throw, it only cost Danny $18.50. They ask where DJ and Stephanie are, and Danny says DJ is out saying goodbye to a boy she met at the carnival and he sent Stephanie to spy on them.

On the stoop DJ's chatting with Bobby, a dude who wears his hat perched oddly atop his head. He's a total gearhead (that's the slang for someone who's obsessed with cars, right?) so DJ feigns interest in cars. When asked her favorite she replies "red." Hee. Bobby says that he'll call her tomorrow to talk about cars. Bo-ring. Stephanie mocks DJ's pitiful display and rightfully so.

Joey is helping Ug set up her fish in a bowl and asks whether it's a boy or a girl. She doesn't know, so he asks what the fish's name is, and she settles on Martin. He gives Michelle some tips for taking care of her fish and she takes off to take him for a walk.

Becky corners Jesse in his room and tries to give him a square dancing lesson. Thankfully, he's saved by the interruption of DJ asking to borrow his car magazines. She pretends that she suddenly developed an interest in cars and wants to expand her horizons with a new hobby and finally fesses up that it's because of a boy. Becky says that you shouldn't pretend to like something to impress someone you're interested in. Jesse asks if that means he doesn't have to square dance. Becky the hypocrite says that's different, as she doesn't care if he hates it, he's going to have to do it regardless.

We see Michelle putting all of her bath toys into a freshly drawn bubble bath. Joey comes in and lectures her that she knows she isn't supposed to take a bath by herself. She replies that she's not, and Joey notices the empty fishbowl and it dawns on him that Michelle put Martin in there. He frantically tries to scoop him out in time but he's too late. Michelle is an r-tard and says that she was trying to keep him clean, as Joey told her, and thinks the fish is sleeping. Joey doesn't have the heart to tell her yet, so he goes to Danny and Jesse.

After much delay, the men finally sack up and go to break the news to Michelle about her fish. Jesse and Joey are unable to drop the bomb, so it's up to Danny. He tells her that Martin died, and when she asks why, Joey tells her it was the bubble bath. Danny takes the bowl to give him a burial at sea. Ug asks if Martin's being sent to the ocean, to which Jesse replies, "...Eventually." Bwah.

The next day the guys have a surprise for Michelle. They have purchased her a new pet fish named Freddy who lives in a legitimate tank with gravel, a filter and "a live-in snail that cleans the tank three times a week." Ug's hesitant to own another fish, so Jesse says that it will be the family fish and stay down here, so the responsibility isn't on her. Danny assures her that the fish will live a long long time. Jesse asks how he can promise that, and Danny shows him he's got a stash on replacements lined up should Freddy meet an untimely demise.

Stephanie is quizzing DJ on cars for her phone call from Bobby. She asks how many cylinders are in a 1966 Ford Mustang. She replies 300. Actual answer: 8. Stephanie throws her a bone asking how many questions she's gotten right. The answer: None! Ding ding ding! She finally got one right! Becky comes in and asks DJ if she wants to square dance and she says she's busing cramming for her phone call. Becky tells her she doesn't have to pretend to like something to impress a boy and that she should just be honest.

The phone rings and DJ tells Bobby that she thinks cars are boring and cause pollution. He promptly hangs up on her. Bwah! Becky comments "Wow, you're really handling this rejection well" and is it just me, or is that a really bitchy thing to say? Re-watching, I'm really not a Becky fan. Especially with all the pre-wedding shit. Talk about a Bridezilla. Oy and just wait for the pregnant episodes...

Square dancing time! They've formed a triangle of partners, and Becky assures them that it will me much more square once her parents join them. Jesse mutters something along the lines of "you ain't kidding." Becky, Danny and Joey take turns calling out moves and it ends with them doing the Alligator on the floor and Jesse ends up cracking a smile and laughing and enjoying himself. They're all kissy and oh, I can't wait to be married, and are interrupted by the cries of Ug.

Apparently something's happening to Freddy. The family rushes in and it turns out that Freddy is a Frida and she's giving birth to a bunch of baby fish. They remove Freddy from the tank to let the babies swim around uninterrupted and congratulate Ug on her maturity by calling for the family when she saw something happening. I... guess. She says "Thank you! Thank you!" and holds up her hands in two peace signs a la Richard Nixon and it's really quite bizarre. I hate Michelle.


Fear Street said...

Michelle sucks.

Poor fish!

snappleaddict said...

Who puts a fish in a bathtub, seriously? The fish is already in water!

Square dancing sucks so bad. My fifth grade teacher was a total hick, so she'd make us square dance every Friday. If we had been bad we'd have to do it with the door open so every other class passing in the halls would see and laugh at us. I feel Jesse's pain.

MilkMan said...

Every year from elementary school through middle school we had segments of our Phys Ed class dedicated to Square Dancing. I didn't hate it as much as pull-ups or running the mile though.

How's this for super lame though? In middle school, I volunteered to learn country line dancing and teach it to others for extra credit and a special award. I was all about scholastic achievements in my heyday.

Anonymous said...

Maybe Michelle's not ready for a pet. No, wait, she kills a fish, we'll just buy her another.

Damn UgTot.

Meghan said...

I just discovered this blog recently and I am loving the trip down Full House memory lane (though I've seen almost every episode at least 10 times).

I'm also very much enjoying the Michelle hate, because I know it's only going to get worse as the seasons go on. If she were my kid, I would have smacked her upside the head for her bratty little attitude! She annoyed me even when I was a kid.