"Mommy! I'm chafing again!" or Yours, Mine and Ours (5.21)

Ahh and now we're full swing into Nick and Alex mode. Becky and Jesse have been reduced to a squabbling old married couple constantly bickering on their different ideas about child-rearing. Mainly, Becky's way paranoid and overprotective, whereas Jesse's a bit more cavalier in his parenting tactics. Danny suggests an evening of Tanner Family Fun at a pirate themed restaurant. When he invites the new parents along, Jesse accepts and Becky declines citing it's the height of cold and flu season. Squabble squabble squabble.

The rest of the clan reluctantly traipses to the nautically themed restaurant and none of them want to be there. DJ's embarrassed to be out somewhere so lame and worries that she might be seen by some of her peers (although, I would argue that by being there themselves, her classmates lose any rights to mock her). Joey doesn't eat seafood, UgSnot yearns for chocolate cake, and Stephanie opts for the most expensive thing on the menu, The Sunken Treasure.

At the house, Jesse returns back from picking up some pizza with a bald-headed twin in tow. Becky freaks out that he took one of the babies out in the cold without a hat quotes her mother that "A hat on the head keeps a child out of bed." The each call their respective mothers to complain about the other's wacked parenting techniques and then switch phones. Mrs. Donaldson also teaches Jesse that "A scarf on the throat goes great with a coat." The phone switching continues and results in Jesse insulting Becky's mother. Jesse covers his ass and they end up putting Irene and Mrs. Donaldson's phones together and letting them squawk at one another.

Becky and Jesse then imagine what Nicky and Alex will be like when they're older if each continues parenting the way they have been. Nicky, raised by lenient Jesse turns out to be a biker rebel sporting some fierce long dark curly locks. Alex, coddled by Becky, is a chess-playing geeky mama's boy. The best part of it all is that Jesse is balding and has hair plugs, which Nicky mocks prompting a wounded Jesse to meekly ask, "You can tell I have plugs?" To which Nicky retorts "Only when I look at you!" Back to present day, Becky and Jesse remark how scary the prospective future is. Becky's talking about the way Nicky turned out, and Jesse was talking about his hair loss. The Bickersons are finally jolted back to reality when they realize that one of the twins is sick. Cue the serious music!

Back at the pirate restaurant, Stephanie's sunken treasure comes out and looks absolutely foul. It includes an octopus or squid that may or may not be dead as it suctions itself to the plate. Joey is about to enjoy his "slab of salted beef" when he is suddenly bombarded by a throng of prepubescent fans. He says that he'll be more than happy to sign autographs as soon as he finishes his dinner. Just then, one of the little pukes sneezes on his food and Joey is thoroughly disgusted. Yet another example of the gross mishandling of food done by FH. Vomit. A giant chocolate cake is mistakenly delivered to the Tanner table until Stephanie informs the waitstaff that UgSnot's name isn't Sarah.

DJ recognizes some kids from school who totally laugh at her. Then their bitchy ringleader Shelly, walks up to her and says that they're there to make fun of the losers who go there with their families. Again, I have to question how cool this Shelly bitch and her friends are that they would actually waste an entire night sitting in a lame restaurant. Methinks they need to reexamine their priorities. Rather than point out this glaringly obvious point, DJ just slumps down in her chair and covers her face, humiliated.

Danny is fed up by his family's shitty attitude and asks for the check. Because somebody ordered the Sunken Treasure and didn't finish it, the pirate captain is making Danny walk the plank. He yells "Argh!" a lot, leading to the obvious and unfunny pun "That's your favorite letter, isn't it?" You should have to walk the plank for that lame joke alone, Tanner. Before he walks the plank, Danny stands before the entire restaurant and gives a speech about what he wanted out of this evening, some good clean family fun and togetherness. Stephanie runs up and tries to take his place because after all, she was the one who ordered the undersea world of Jacques Cousteau for dinner. Joey runs up and says that he had a rotten attitude from the get-go and this is all his fault and he should walk the plank. DJ then comes up and says they all had bad attitudes and says that she was embarrassed to be there, but now that she's standing up in front of the entire restaurant... she's entirely humiliated. UgSnot joins the rest of the family up on the deck, but the only thing she wants to know is if Sarah is going to eat all of that cake. Sarah just nods and I laugh at Michelle not getting her way. Man, Ug's a piggish little snot, isn't she? The entire family ends up walking the plank into a ball pit and all I can think about is all of the disgusting things that probably lay on the bottom of that pit. Blecchh.

At the house, Jesse and Becky take all the proper steps to care for the sick twin. Jesse begins playing the blame game and beats himself up over taking the baby out without a hat until Becky points out that he took Nicky out and Alex is the one that is sick. When they finally get the doctor on the phone everything he tells them, they've already done and Jesse wonders what the hell they're paying him for. Alex's fever goes down, they've survived their first medical emergency, go Team Katsopolis!