Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"That's not sweat- it's a mother's glow" or Happy Birthday, Babies, Parts I and II (5.9, 5.10)

I have to preface that the second episode of this two-parter is quite possibly hands down my favorite FH episode. Even though the end result is Nicky and Alex, Jesse's post-surgery doped up ramblings always have me in stitches. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm pretty much going to skip over the first episode because it's even more Ug-Centric than ever. You see, it's Ug's 5th birthday and she's just ever so excited for her Flinstones themed birthday party. To placate the whining hosebeast, Danny whips out her baby book and we're tortured with about 30 minutes of reminiscing about UgSnot through the years. Yeah, it's pretty much a clip show. Clips of pure, unadulterated fug. Danny says that with her 5th birthday, they'll be able to complete her baby book and then they can start two new baby books for the twins. Because the attention has been shifted off of her for 5 minutes, Ug throws a pouty shit-fit and demands they cancel her birthday so that she can stay a baby forever. Pfft, the cancellation is not necessary, Michelle's always going to be a baby because she will always act like an immature petulant brat so long as the Tanner clan enables her like they do.

Blah blah, ass-kissing cakes, eventually the family convinces Michelle to age (like she really had a choice in the matter) and her Flinstones party kicks off. We have Danny as Dino, Jesse as Fred, Joey as Barney, DJ as Wilma, Steph as Betty, Michelle as Pebbles, Comet as a Stegosaurus and Becky as the ferocious Pregosaurus. This is a pretty extravagant affair and I can't help but feel like I was gypped in my childhood so far as my birthday parties (I keed I keed, that shit's tacky as fuck). Becky goes into labor and the entire family freaks and caught up in all of the excitement, they all rush out the door leaving Ug and all of her party guests behind unattended. Cue the cheesy "Home Alone" joke. Since none of the kids are allowed to use matches, Ug simulates blowing out the candles. The kids also aren't allowed to use knives so Teddy karate chops the cake. Yuck. The myriad of ways that this show mishandles food in the most disgusting manner possible skeeves me out. Just then, Joey, DJ and Steph rush in and see they were too late.

At the hospital, Jesse, still in his Fred Flinstone muumuu, starts experiencing what he believes to be "sympathy pains." Turns out he needs to have his appendix removed. Danny, still dressed as Dino, offers to step in and act as Becky's coach. He also asks for a hospital gown to change into. Once he does, he manages to flash a couple of old ladies on account of he's not wearing any pants.

Back at the house, DJ and Stephanie organize a game of Open the Present You Brought as Fast as You Can. The kids open the presents and present them to Ug as she walks down the line deciding whether or not she likes the gift. Man, she's such a little shit. I wonder how many of those kids only went to the party for the free cake or because their parents made them. My guess is all but Teddy. They rush the guests out so that they can meet up with the rest of the family at the hospital.

At the hospital, Danny is coaching a sweaty Becky through her breathing exercises. Her breathing pattern prompts Danny to start singing "We Will Rock You." Yet another reason for me to love Danny Tanner, he's a Queen fan! Joey, DJ and Steph arrive and it turns out that Kimmy's also kicking it at the hospital. She's found a cute boy with 2 broken arms to prey upon. Apparently she spoon fed him Jell-o. Danny opens the door to invite the crew from WUSF into Becky's delivery room. Becky is less than thrilled with Danny's idea to include her giving birth as a segment on the show and she plasters a fake smile on her face as she tells the crew, and San Francisco, to get out of her room.

Now comes the brilliance. They wheel in Jesse, who just had his appendix removed and who is completely hopped up on painkillers. He calls Danny "Donny" and mistakes him for Becky's husband. Becky and Danny try to set him straight and Jesse replies "A wife and a baby in the same day... radical." He then launches into a song "Having my baby... what a lovely way to say how much you looooooove me." This recap doesn't even do the hilarity of it all justice. I tried to find a video of it on youtube but was unsuccessful, so hopefully most of you remember this scene as vividly as I do. Jesse asks Becky "Won't your husband Donny be jealous?" Bwah. Slays me.

Becky gives birth, Joey does some dumb voices, Danny promises the twins April fresh diapers. They reveal the names, one is Alexander, named for Becky's high school teacher who inspired her to pursue a career in journalism and the other is Nicholas, named for Jesse's father. UgSnot's pissy about having to share her birthday, until the prospect of 3 cakes is brought up and her piggish heart swells with glee. The family softly sings "Happy Birthday" to Michelle, Alex and Nicky and this show just got a whole lot more annoying.

BONUS: While I was trying to find a clip of Uncle Jesse stoned, I happened upon this video of Jesse's song "A Little More Love" from a couple recaps back. Turns out it's an original song co-wrote by Stamos and Mark Vogel. Enjoy! I can't help it, I think it's catchy as fuck!


colleenn said...

"The myriad of ways that this show mishandles food in the most disgusting manner possible skeeves me out."--I remember back in your season 1 recaps you mentioned how it grossed you out that they were eating cereal out of pots with wooden spoons. I so wanted to comment back then about how awesome that was, but I was still too shy to be the first comment-leaver on a post back then so I stayed quiet. :P

And yes, my hatred for Michelle increased 10-fold when she walked down her line of guests with presents saying "like it, like it, love it, like it, have that already...." Such a spoiled little brat. I would've cried if I had been a guest and she hadn't given my gift the highest level of Ug-approval.

Jesse hopped up on drugs IS awesome. I wish it hadn't been right alongside Becky's giving-birth scene though. For some reason scenes of comically-screaming-lady-giving-birth always freak me out. But the Jesse bits in that scene are great.

Fear Street said...

"He also asks for a hospital gown to change into. Once he does, he manages to flash a couple of old ladies on account of he's not wearing any pants."

Exposing his flat white-bread ass. Sweet.

This entry rocks...especially all the parts in which you trash Michelle. Whining hosebeast = pure poetry.

ashley said...

I just watched this recently!!

The first part of that episode is torture. I think I'm going to scratch my DVD so I never have to see that episode again.

Post-appendectomy Jesse is my absolute favourite. OMG, I laugh soooo freaking much when he sings. And "Won't your husband Donny be jealous?" Golden.

Clara Cupcakes said...

When you start talking about the UgSnot it has me in fits of laughter. Hilarious!

I can totally relate to the hating of the UgSnot. My sister was the same age as Michelle and was blonde so she decided so WAS Michelle and began behaving like her. It was aweful!

Afraid of the Dark said...

One of my very dear friends was telling me the other day that she looked just like Ug when she was little. I almost offered my condolences, until she said, "I don't mind. The Olsens were sooooooo adorable." I question our friendship.

13readingat30 said...

Why did EVERYONE have to go with Becky to the mo' fo' hospital? Couldn't Joey and the other kids have stayed to celebrate Michelle's dumbass birthday? And I think Danny would have had plenty of time to put pants on... except TV shows always seem to ignore the fact that labor can take hours. That is, when they make jokes about the horrors of childbirth the length of labor it's somewhat exaggerated, but when the labor actually occurs it takes about 12 minutes.

Vani B. said...

Doped-up Jess: "This is a pretty room!"

Not to mention...

Doped-up Jess: "Hey, I know you, you're..."
Danny: "Danny."
Doped-up Jess: "No, that's not it."

Bahahaha, fucking classic.

metamorphstorm said...

Episode 1 of this two-parter = me watching it with a zombie-esque expression as we re-watch five years of Michelle's scenes.

Episode 2 = I laugh at Danny's 'We Will Rock You' bit as Becky "hoo-hoo-hees" her way through a contraction, roll my eyes so hard I broke my glasses at Michelle's brattitude, walking up and down the line of kids who brought birthday presents and she decides whether or not she likes each one aloud, and I would've cried too if she had been that awful to a present I brought (my family was very poor and more than once we had our attempts at friendships/gifts for others thrown back at us for not being good enough) and sit there with an, "Oh, wow, is it okay to laugh? Is super-cool Uncle J really acting like...like THAT?" as I watched him lie woozily on his gurney post-op, talking crazy talk... (I did end up laughing, I think.)

But every scene with Michelle just makes me want to reach through the barriers of TV and time to slap her so hard, she's never able to brat her way through another episode.

I wonder, seriously, if she ended up being a bratty kid for real after learning what she did on the set of FH, being entitled and getting her way all the time.