"Well there was a turtle and a duck..." or The King and I (5.5)

The whole Tanner clan is excitedly preparing for the annual Tanner Family Picnic where they are representing the Bay area Tanners. All of their tasks have been assigned: Ug and Jesse are doing the balloon race, Joey is doing the pie eating contest and Stephanie and DJ are doing the 3-legged race. Stephanie is insistent that they begin practicing right away and ties their legs together. Just then, DJ's phone rings and she thinks it's some studly stud from school and the girls 3-leg their way up the stairs only to find out that the call is for Stephanie.

Joey starts boasting about his pie eating abilities, and Becky and her prego ass steps up to challenge him. Since she's eating for 3, she easily kicks his ass and replaces Joey as the Tanner rep in the pie-eating contest. She smokes him so bad that she even has time to give Jesse a blueberry covered kiss and return to eating and still win! Jesse tells the family that he needs to come up with the song to end all songs and is not to be disturbed under any circumstances.

Down in the basement, I mean studio, Jesse is hard at work, agonizing and trying to come up with the ultimate song (think Roger in "Rent" with "One Song Glory"). Michelle comes down wanting to practice the balloon race for the picnic (Side note: What the hell is a balloon race? Is that when you stick a balloon between your thighs and try to waddle across the finish line without popping the balloon?) Joey comes in to be his annoying self and Becky tries to bring Jesse a sandwich and all three are promptly booted out of the room by a surly Jesse. Becky thinks she's exempt from the expulsion because she's all fat and prego and waddled all the way down the stairs just to bring him a tasty sangwich. Jesse is merciless and tells her to get to stepping.

It's time for the Tanner Family Picnic! Joey tells Becky that he has entered the pie eating contest as a Wild Card contestant and it's just like let it go, fat man. Becky beat you, so you should probably look towards cultivating a talent other than competitive eating or comedy. Kimmy's ready and raring to go, but Danny feigns sadness over the fact that there's no room in the van for anyone outside the family. Just then, Jesse comes in and declares that he's not going to the picnic. Danny pleads with Jesse that the possibility of Kimmy joining them in the van means the family needs him now, more than ever. Jesse refuses, and Ug whines that he's her partner and he says to find a new partner. She pisses and moans that he promised and Jesse snaps that he's breaking his promise and for the family to go fuck themselves (not verbatim). The adults are a little taken aback by Jesse's demeanor and UgSnot pouts, "Uncle Jesse's not nice anymore." Uproarious laughter ensues from my couch at Ug's misery.

Jesse gets back to work but still has got nothing, so he goes for a ride to go clear his head. Meanwhile, in the rented van, Joey has to pee, Ug whines "Are we there yet?" and Stephanie accuses Kimmy of staring at her. Kimmy denies it, but she totally is. Just then, a familiar stank descends upon the car. Did they hit a skunk? Nay! Kimmy decided to take her shoes off and let her rankass feet air out.

Jesse has arrived at some podunk truck stop diner and is seated next to an Elvis/Wayne Newton look-alike. He chides Jesse for snapping at his family and tells him that family is the most important thing and should always come first because without family, all the success that comes with a great music career means nothing without the love of your family. Would you like some cheese on your sandwich, faux-Elvis? Jesse compliments his advice and he says "Thank you, thank you very much." Jesse remarks that he reminds him of someone, and faux-Elvis says that he gets it all the time, that he looks like Wayne Newton.

Jesse takes off to try and catch up with the family at the picnic and comes upon the van broken down. He rides up on his motorcycle like a knight on his steed ready to save the day. It's like pitch-black out now, so unless this Tanner Family picnic is a 2 or 3-day extravaganza, methinks they might have missed it. Jesse fixes the van in a matter of minutes and apologizes to the family. Obvs, because UgSnot is, well, an ugly little snot, won't accept Jesse's apology at first until he promises to do the race with her. So I guess they didn't miss the picnic. But why? Why must they always cater to this little doucherag?

When everyone's back home, Jesse debuts the new song he wrote that was inspired by his love of his family (laaaaaaaame). We'll call it "Give a Little More Love" because that seems to be the most repeated phrase in the chorus. The family grooves out gaily. Jesse does a crazy conga drum solo and his black female back up singer looks SO familiar. Where do I know her from? She's not on the IMDB page! Help meee! It pains me to admit it, but I actually kind of like the song. It's cheesy as hell but also pretty catchy. Don't you judge!