"I'm too dumb to be scared." or Love on the Rocks (7.19)

Danny is cleaning up a storm in his living room, dusting and pledging and goes so far as to dust his can of Pledge. His obsessive compulsiveness is interrupted by the arrival of Kimmy and her new beau, "Keanu" as she greets him with the most awesome epithet yet, "T-Bag." Heh, surprised that one slipped by the censors. Keanu reveals that his real name is John, but Kimmy prefers to call him Keanu. Danny says his name's not really T-Bag, but Kimmy's just an idiot. DJ and Steve are scrutinizing the movie they just saw, some fictional installment of the Ernest movies, and Kimmy and Keanu are shocked that they actually watched the movie as they just made out the entire time. They call Steve and DJ boring and leave them to sit and be boring. Steve reveals to DJ that his film class professor chose him to go on a class trip to LA because of his critical eye. DJ is bummed because his trip falls over her school break and she was hoping they could spend the time together.

The next morning, the entire family is dragging ass in the kitchen, wondering why they're all so tired. Joey comes in chipper and spouting off "Top o' the mornin' to ya,!" like some deranged leprechaun. Then Becky comes in and says that on her drive to the health club, the radio said it was only 5am. Joey cackles and yells, "April Fool's!" He turned back everyone's clocks and watches in the house. It's not even April, but Joey can never fool them on the actual day, so he decided to strike prematurely. There are a lot of instances on this show where I would kill Joey, but for tampering with my sleep I would literally MURDER his ass.

Later, Kimmy and Keanu try to urge DJ to come to a party with them. But she declines, citing that she promised she'd watch the twins that night and besides, Steve was due to call her from LA that night. DJ's playing with Nicky and Alex and their farm toys and is making some killer goat sounds. Steve calls and she says "Helloooo?" with a bleating goat inflection. Ha. Not really though. Steve's calling from a posh restaurant in Beverly Hills, gushing about the celebrities he's met (like Tom Cruise's dental hygienist (ah, the days where Tom Cruise wasn't a loony parody of himself)), when he's tapped on the shoulder by the uber rude Suzanne Somers. Her bitchy ass asks to use the pay phone because her flip phone died. And rather than be polite and let him use the phone for the all of 5-10 minutes he paid for, her twatty self feels the need to interrupt. She's actually not a bitch in how she asks, but I think the fact that she interrupts to ask at all is bitchy in itself, if that makes any sense. Plus, I hate Suzanne Somers. Steve freaks out, star struck and promptly hangs up on DJ. Miffed that she waited around all night for that pathetic conversation, DJ vows to go out and have fun... starting tomorrow.

The next day, DJ goes hiking up Eagle Mountain with Kimmy & Keanu. DJ is getting freaked out by the heights and asks Kimmy if she's also scared. Kimmy awesomely replies "I'm too dumb to be scared." As she admires Keanu's tush while he climbs to the next level, she nearly falls off the side of the mountain until DJ pulls her back. Kimmy is unfazed by her near brush with death and simply remarks "What a way to go." DJ is too scared and doesn't want to move from the ledge and Kimmy tells her to sack up and face her fears. She does and feels a great sense of empowerment from climbing the mountain.

Later in the week, DJ comes in from being out with Steph and Michelle and sees an irritated Steve sitting at the kitchen table. Apparently he'd been there for 3 hours, waiting. DJ forgot that this was the day he returned home from LA, and Steve gets all assy about how obviously she didn't miss him all that much if his return slipped her mind. And while Steve's being a bit bratty, especially given his phone manners (did he even try to call another time while in LA?), I can't imagine forgetting when a significant other returns from vacation. DJ just says that she's kept pretty busy this week and got her dates crossed. She also mentions the Suzanne Somers incident and Steve accuses her of being jealous of him and Suzanne. That's the last straw for DJ who tells Steve to go home. He says fine, but that he's not going because she said to. He's going because his mother told him not to be late for dinner "and I don't intend to."

The family gathers in the living room to pull their April Fool's joke on Joey. They recorded an earlier lottery drawing and purchased a ticket with those exact numbers and switched that ticket with the one Joey bought. They think they've convinced him he's won and then accidentally toss the ticket in the fireplace. When they reveal the April Fool's joke, he says there was no tape in the VCR, because he took it out to clean it earlier, and then the entire family freaks out and tries to retrieve the ticket from the fire. Joey then calls "April Fool's" on their asses, and this is way too much April Foolery for not even fucking April. Turns out UgSnot labelled the tape in question "Joke on Joey." This is why you don't let fugly little trolls handle even the most menial task, as they always will find a way to fuck things up. Thankfully, the family had a backup plan. As Joey tells them they'll never be able to prank him, he walks through the kitchen door and has a bucket of water dropped on his head. Awesome. I love Joey getting his comeuppance.

In the middle of the night, Danny goes down into the kitchen to find DJ sitting there, unable to sleep. She tells him about her fight with Steve and how she feels like they're no longer on the same wavelength. Danny says that sometimes people start to grow apart and she asks if that's how he felt when him and Vicky broke up. He says it was, and that they need to talk about it. DJ thanks him for the Dad talk and says that they're a lot more enjoyable when she's not in trouble.

The next day, DJ bring Steve to Eagle Mountain to see if he feels the same empowering clarity she felt. All Steve feels like is eating a Chili Dog. DJ sadly tells Steve that it feels like something is missing from their relationship, like someone let all of the air out of it. She says that the heat and connection between them is disappearing, and Steve says that they still have fun together. She says that what he's describing is a friendship, and there's no more romance. She says they'll always be best friends, which pleases Steve as she's the best friend he's ever had.


They break up and DJ asks what do they do now? Steve says they head down the mountain to face the world. DJ hangs back for a minute, and tells Steve she'll be okay, and then looks out into the wide yonder and repeats to herself "I'll be okay." Cheeeeeeeese! Bye Steve! I'll miss your human garbage disposal ass!