"You know what would drive me really, Really wild?" "Painting sad clowns on my toenails?" or Kissing Cousins (7.18)

This definitely ranks as one of my top episodes... in fact, one day I'll get around to listing my top ten FH episodes of all time. Or maybe make a poll out of it.

We begin with Danny practicing the moves he's learned from his new self-defense class. He urges Joey to come at him with a banana gun so that he can practice his disarm/disable maneuver. He ends up smashing the banana on Joey. Just then Uncle Jesse arrives back home from Greece. He flew over there for Papouli's funeral and remarks that it was a wonderful celebration of his life. To top things off, Jesse has returned with a surprise for the family.


It's Cousin Stavros! AKA John Stamos at his most hilarious.

It's time to play hug the cousin. Stephanie and DJ remark that Stavros and Jesse look so much alike that they are definitely related. Stavros scoffs citing that his nose is that "of Greek God. That is nose of cock-a-poo." Stavros says he's got to go check into a seedy motel, and Danny insists that Stavros stay with them at Casa de Tanner, ole! Becky comes in with the kids to greet the returning Jesse, and the boys mistakenly run to Stavros and call him Daddy. Stavros comments that the boys get their looks from their beautiful mother. Becky is at first flattered, then wary, "Why thank you.... who are you?" Jesse explains that when he was 11 and spent the summer in Greece, his cousin Stavros took him in and taught him everything he knows about the birds and the bees, etc. Stavros pipes in that it was actually goats and weasels, and Becky's response? "Goats and weasels? That explains a lot." Dirty! And ew. That sounds like some freaky boudoir behavior.

The next afternoon, Stephanie and Ug come in from taking Stavros sight-seeing around San Fran. Danny asks where they go, expecting to hear them say something like the Golden Gate bridge, and Steph reveals Stavros brought them to the racetrack. Ug whines that she learned to not bet all her tooth fairy money on a horse named Long Shot. File this one under: No shit, Ug. Stavros says he parked Danny's car in front of the little rocket ship out front where dogs go pee pee. After a few seconds of processing, Danny realizes he means his car's in front of a hydrant and rushes out to try to avoid a ticket. For some reason, Joey's sitting down to play cards with himself at the kitchen table and invited Stavros to play a game of Gin. Stavros feigns ignorance about the rules of the game, but ends up hustling Joey out of $20 and his watch, calling it a "friendly game."

The doorbell rings and DJ, Kimmy and Steve answer. It's the pizza delivery guy and Stavros comes in and says he ordered lunch for everyone. They thank him until he grabs the pizza without paying. Claiming he has yet to convert his drachma into US currency, Stavros asks DJ to "be gemstone" and pick up the $20 pizza tab. She does, but is cleaned out and asks if anyone else can get the tip. Kimmy steps in and tells the pizza boy that if you tickler her with a feather duster, she purrs like Catwoman. Eep. The pizza boy is similarly skeeved out. Anywhore, who the hell charges $20 for a small pizza?! What a rip-off! Stavros opens the box and unleashes the unholy smell of lamb guts and double feta cheese on the unsuspecting teens. Where the hell do you find a place that will put lamb guts on a pizza? That sort of accounts for the steep price though... Steve and Kimmy rush out the door citing that Steve's about to hurl.

Just then, Becky comes in from the gym sporting some brightly colored spandex and catches the eye of Stavros. He mutters, "That is HOT," but not quietly enough as Becky totally hears him. She asks him what he said, and Stavros claims he was talking about the cheese on the pizza and says it's so hot, "It's dang near bubbling." Becky uncomfortably cautions him to not burn his mouth and moves into the kitchen with Stavros in hot pursuit. She's got a carrot in hand and he says "Beautiful." Becky awesomely plays this off with "It's just a carrot. He comments on her pleasant aroma and she says that she rubbed some Ben Gay on before leaving the gym. "This Ben, lucky guy." Stavros also adds that she smells "popping fresh" and I mean it, Stamos KILLS it in this episode. Stavros goes in for a sniff and Becky threatens him back off of her with the carrot. Stavros blames it on his nose and lightly raps his shnozz saying, "Bad nose. Bad nose." Becky is understandably creeped out.

The family meets in the living room where they all discuss their experiences with Stavros and determine that he's a conman. Jesse comes in and can't believe what they're saying. He was thinking of asking Stavros to stay longer because he's like a brother to him. Stavros overhears their griping and comes in and apologizes, and returns the money and items he took. He tells them that he has to return to Greece because there was a mudslide that wiped out his entire village. Stavros laments, "If only there was a way to raise funds..." Stephanie suggests a fundraiser. DJ goes one further and says her school did a Dance-a-thon and it made a shit ton of money.

It's Dance-a-thon time. Somehow Steph got roped into dancing with Ug, and by dancing with, I mean, Ug's standing on top of Stephanie's feet, weighing her down. Stavros walks in and promptly removes his plaid sportscoat and awesomely drops it on Michelle's head, temporarily sparing the viewing audience from looking at her ugly mug. And for that I say, Thank you, Stavros. The girls find a one way ticket to Orlando in Stavros' coat pocket and go to DJ, who brings it to Becky. They figure out that the mudslide was another one of his scams, and that by this time tomorrow "Stavros will be cruising the Magic Kingdom trying to get Tinkerbell's number." Rather than tell Jesse, Becky says they have to catch Stavros in the act and prove he's a slimeball.

Becky lures Stavros into some back dressing room and plants a microphone in a bouquet of flowers for her one woman sting operation and puts the seduction on him. Again, another brilliant exchange ensues:
Becky: Let me be Frank...
Stavros: Can I still be Stavros?
B: Last night, I couldn't take my eyes off of you while you ate Spaghettios with your fingers.
S: Spoons are for wimps!

Becky says she wants to run away with Stavros to the kind of place you go to after you win the Superbowl. Stavros is elated and declares it must be Fate "with a big 'F' and a little 'ate'" as he's already booked a ticket to Orlando! He goes in for the smooch and Becky says that she has the feeling they're about to be interrupted any minute. Just then there's a knock at the door, "Man, did I call that?" Unfortunately for Becky it's not Jesse in a jealous rage, but instead UgSnot who snottily tells her she forgot to turn the microphone on. Becky distracts Stavros by telling him his loafers are untied and clicks the microphone on. She convinces Stavros to tell her his plan one more time to really get her blood pumping. Stavros replies, "Ohhh so that's what floats your tuna boat." Is that some sort of Greek sexual slang? He repeats his dastardly scheme, how he fabricated the whole mudslide story and plans to sneak off to Florida, then asks why Becky keeps shoving the bouquet in his face. She replies, "So everyone can hear you!" He discovers he's been set up "A meecrophone!" and tries to make a break for it. He grabs the money, but is stopped by Danny doing some martial arts (nice revisit to the opening segment) and is finally subdued by Danny and Joey.

Jesse tells them to let Stavros go, but not before chastising him with the mother of all guilt trips. He says that Stavros was like a brother to him and asks how he could betray him like this. Stavros' excuse is that he was jealous of Jesse and his wonderful life in America. He sends him packing and apologizes to the crowd, offering to return their money. DJ pipes up that they could donate the funds to another worth cause, like the Children's Hospital. The crowd cheers their approval and the dancing resumes. Man, I wish they could have had Stavros make one more appearance before the show's run ended. Wasted opportunity there.