"'Am I the Raddest, Baddest Dad you ever had?' 'You were until you said that.'" or Crushed (5.16)

Another episode sans the opening scene? And this time, I know for sure it wasn't some DVR trickey. You're really slacking on me, Season Five.

We open with Jesse and Becky and the twins in the kitchen. Joey comes in and proclaims the twins are his "biggest fans" (try, your ONLY fans, Gladstone). Joey proceeds to torture all of us with his tired ass Bullwinkle routine. The babies laugh, and Jesse and Becky inform Joey to not get too excited because even Jesse blowing his proud Greek nose causes them to crack up.

Because she can't allow anyone to ever do anything that doesn't concern her ever, Ug marches in and states that she can make the twins laugh too. Only she can't.

"Michelle-winkle"? Seriously? Becky and Jesse pretend the twins were just tired, and quickly whisk them away before their entire day is consumed by the Ugly one. She tells Joey she wants to be funny "just like you." ....'Kay. Not going to touch that one. They wander off doing something called a "power laugh" and I feel so bad for anyone who crosses that duo's path.

Stephanie and DJ come down and Stephanie is begging her father to let her ditch school because 1. It's her birthday, and 2. Some tween heartthrob named Tommy Page is guesting on WUSF and she wants to meet him. Steph lays the guilt trip on pretty thick, but Danny is firm in his refusal, but later reveals to DJ he's already lined Tommy up to make a guest appearance at Stephanie's party and sing to her.

Fast forward to Stephanie's party. Lots of young girls are dancing and Uncle Jesse saunters through the crowd inappropriately thrusting behind them. Kinda squicky. DJ Joey Badstone is spinning the jams. Stephanie notices that none of the boys are dancing and enlists resident perv Uncle Jesse to get them to dance. They refuse, so Jesse suggests ladies' choice, and naturally they all rush to him. He shoves them off, but you know deep down, if Becky wasn't there, he'd have been all over that.

C&C Music Factory is pumping and Steph busts into some sick choreography. Hey, remember when Steph wanted to be a dancer? Neither does anyone else, because by Season Five this shit was almost entirely the Michelle show. Speaking of that UgSnot, she's trying (and failing (that's two fails only 5 minutes into the show!)) to follow suit and ends up just messing up one of the other girl's dancing. You know that girl was pissed. She thought this was going to be her big break, dancing on a major sitcom, and her seamless choreography is fucked up by a bumbling child.

DJ comes in with a ravenous Kimmy who is desperately trying to get her hands on some of that sweet, sweet Tommy Page ass. And really, who can blame her?

"Paintings In My Mind"? Shit's deep, man. A quick Google search tells me that this Tommy Page fellow actually did exist and have a music career. All this time I assumed he was a made up celebrity for the show. Allegedly he had some hit song I've never heard of in 1990 entitled "I'll Be Your Everything."

You're welcome.

Danny attempts to put the fear of God into Kimmy to keep her hands off of Tommy, but everybody knows you can't keep the Gibbler down. DJ gives Joey the signal, he cuts the music and Jesse begins playing the intro to some awful ballad on his keyboard and Tommy Page walks in and begins serenading Steph with a song entitled "Stephanie." All the girls sway in the background and all the guys grumble amongst themselves that they could take this dude in a fight. I gotta say, Tommy has like zero charisma and stage presence.

The song ends and DJ loosens her grip on Kimmy, and she bolts into Tommy's arms. She asks him to sign an autograph that says "To Kimmy, the woman of my dreams" to which Danny snarks that Tommy writes music, "not science fiction." Ouch! A sizzling burn for the Tan-Man!

Jesse embarrasses himself trying to whore out his music to Tommy who could not be less impressed. Ug obviously demands he start working on her song for her upcoming birthday in November. He laughs and tells her she's funny and she informs him she's in "comedy college" and unleashes that gawdawful power laugh on him. Say it with me now, STFU Ug!

DJ introduces herself, and after the shitshow that just transpired, makes a glowing impression. Tommy asks her to show him around the major sights of San Fran. Ruh roh.

Stephanie is in the midst of planning her wedding to Tommy with San Francisco's premier wedding planner, Comet the Golden Retriever. Just then, DJ and Tommy come bursting through the kitchen door, and not seeing Stephanie, gush about the wonderful day they had. Tommy even offers to get her backstage passes to his show tonight and oh, Deej. You're so going to have to put out. He gives her a kiss on the lips and heads downstairs to cut some tracks with Jesse. DJ is elated and Stephanie, still completely unnoticed, runs upstairs, totally distraught and heartbroken. Perhaps it was this moment, when she was spurned by a one-"hit" wonder that set her on a path towards drugs? I never read Jodi Sweetin's autobiography, so I'm not sure, but I like attributing it to Tommy Page.

Joey and Michelle intrude upon Becky & Jesse's attic apartment for Michelle to try her new comedy routine on the twins. Still not funny. She gets a cheap giggle out of the boys by shoving the pie in Joey's face. He chases her out of the room with threats of a "sloppy kiss." Vom.

Stephanie then comes in (boy, does anyone ever knock? Bet they're glad they gave up Becky's place to live in the attic now!) and asks to talk to Becky, woman-to-woman. She asks Becky what she would do if another woman stole Uncle Jesse from her. Becky spouts some BS that that would never happen because they're so in love and committed, but ends with a menacing, "She wouldn't know what hit her." Bwah! I like Becky with an edge. Stephanie marches off to lay waste to DJ "The Scuzz Queen."

Kimmy comes over to continue to stalk Tommy and wants all of DJ's dirty deets on her day with Tommy. Kimmy is uber-jealous, but backs down pretty easily and wishes her well. That's pretty cool. Most girls would probably try and snake him.

Down in the studio, Tommy finishes the song and Jesse tells him how appreciative they are. Tommy admits that he actually wrote the song for his girlfriend, Melanie. What an asshole. If I was his girlfriend, I'd be pissed that he was gallivanting around San Francisco and locking lips with DJ. What a pig. The red light goes off and DJ is down the stairs faster than... um... faster than Kim Kardashian's marriage. She pretends she wasn't staring at the light, but does a poor job covering it.

Stephanie comes down with a box of photos determined to ruin DJ's blossoming romance with Tommy. Some of these pics include DJ with the mumps, her first bath, and baby DJ with a fanny rash. DJ yanks Stephanie by the arm and hauls her out of the basement. The girls bicker in the kitchen over who is Tommy's rightful girlriend and begin chasing each other around the house, with the three men in tow.

The finally pull the girls apart and Stephanie's proof that Tommy was her's is that he signed her CD "Love, Tommy." Joey quickly bursts that bubble by pointing out that Tommy signed his CD "Love, Tommy." And I need to just take a moment and point out that Joey is wearing one of the fugliest sweaters known to man: a red sweater that reads "Tomato Ketch-" that is supposed to mimic a ketchup bottle. Hideous.

Danny lets Steph down gently, and DJ butts in that Stephanie has a little girl crush, but her fling with Tommy is the real deal. Tommy finally emerges from the basement and states that he just wants to be friends with both girls. I really wish DJ called him out for kissing her on the lips, which, I'm sorry, but I still maintain it is so inappropriate for a guy with a girlfriend to do. Tommy then walks out the door and into obscurity.

Stephanie is moping in bed and DJ joins her operating on the notion of misery loves company. DJ says that she'll never steal any of Steph's boyfriends (duh, they'll be 5 years younger, so that would be mad creepy and socially unacceptable for a long time), because men come and go, but sister's are forever. She also demands that Steph turn over all of the embarrassing photos, and she agrees. DJ leaves and Stephanie smiles, turns on her recording of "Stephanie" and curls up with Mr. Bear. I leave you with that rocking tune now, readers. Enjoy.

Also,

TOMMY PAGE > THE BIEBS

Jus' sayin'.

"Right after that, I'm going to wrestle a bobcat with my bare hands!" or Play it Again, Jesse (5.15)

No opener? Or my DVR cut it off. The world may never know. Credits! Aaaand we're off.

Jesse is in the kitchen with the boys, and Becky is sad because she's finally returning her lazy ass to work and will miss them. Danny comes in and is equally bummed because it's the "Wake Up, San Francisco" "Farewell to Vicki" show... as well as the "Welcome Back Becky" show. Ha, Danny hates Becky. Joey comes in and his neck is thrown out so he's stuck staring at the ceiling.

 The girls come downstairs and Stephanie is begging DJ to borrow her clothes. DJ repeatedly refuses, and as soon as she's out the door, Stephanie reveals to Ug that she is wearing DJ's sweater. We all know where this is going. The phone rings and it's the record company. Jesse asks if they loved the song... then did they at least like it? Could they learn to like it? Doesn't sound like a hit, Jess. He compares his music to bleu cheese, which he used to think smelled like sweatsocks, but now he loves it! The record company isn't biting and Jesse hangs up, defeated.

On the set of "WUSF," Danny and Vicki are getting emotional and nearly start making out on camera. The unprofessionalism only starts there, folks. Danny springs on Vicki that the station manager is offering her a job to do the weather, and Vicki springs it on Danny that that would be swell, but she was already offered a news anchor job... in Chicago. Danny is crestfallen and they continue this awkward conversation until Becky walks out on set and says she's just going to go ahead and welcome herself back.

Jesse is at the supermarket shopping for groceries with the boys and girls. Steph and Ug are trying to overload the cart with junk food. Jesse spies some Elvis Peanut Butter. He notices that Nicky dropped a load in his diaper and sticks what appears to be a urinal cake on his ass. Why Jesse is purchasing urinal cakes, I cannot say.

Steph and Michelle stop by a "Funky Franks" food sampling table and ends up squirting mustard all over DJ's sweater. Ug states the obvious, and Steph retorts "Tell me something I don't know." Ug then proceeds to tell her that Steph that dropped her toothbrush in the toilet the day before. Stephanie looks rightfully horrified. I wish she would punch her.

At home, Michelle boasts that she set the table, looking for accolades from Uncle Jesse. Stephanie retrieves DJ's sweater from the dryer and to her dismay, find it has shrunk to a doll's size. DJ and Kimmy come in and Stephanie darts out of the room frantically trying to find a way to fix her mistake. Nobody wants to eat Jesse's dinner and he snits about it, prompting Kimmy to say that he sounds just like her mother, "only more bitter." Bwah! Kimmy Gibbler FTMFW!

 Joey comes in and his neck is still out, but now facing downward. He informs Jesse that Danny & Becky have to work late and he is heading to the chiropractor, so no one will be eating dinner. Jesse sits down to eat with Ug and laments that he needs to do something with his life, because he's not digging this Suzy Homemaker lifestyle.

Jesse is expertly multitasking, rocking the boys in swings while sewing a button onto Mr. Woodchuck. Becky and Danny come in, and Danny is still distraught over Vicki's departure. Jesse tells Becky that the record company turned him down, but he scored a gig with an oldies band in the airport lounge. Becky whines that this is supposed to be their time together. Well, I guess you should have come home in time for dinner then, Beck. Jesse feels emasculated by Becky being the breadwinner, and she insults his stupid macho pride and he shoots back that he has no pride anymore. Shit. He storms off.

In the girls' room, Michelle comes in wearing the shrunken sweater, and DJ notices it is the same one she has... right down to the very same missing button. Stephanie confesses and swears she'll make it up to her. DJ informs her that the sweater actually belongs to Kimmy, and that she'll have to make it up to her. Kimmy states that she's well overdue for a pedicure and begins to peel off her socks prompting Steph and Ug to run screaming out of the room.

At the airport lounge, Jesse is playing with The Diplomats singing "Glow Worm." And might I add that The Diplomats are rocking some seriously fly suit coats. Pastel plaid with black collar/trim. Amazeballs. The family comes in to see Vicki off and Joey almost gets his ass beat by some tough guy who mistakes his stiff neck for a staredown.

Jesse and The Diplomats launch into "As Time Goes By" from Casablanca, which serves as the backdrop for Danny and Vicki's farewell. Vicki offers to take the job in San Francisco, and Danny worries that she will hate him if she gives up her dream for him. Vicki protests, "I could never hate you... I may resent you a little." Bwah! Danny gives Vicki his best Humphrey Bogart, and insists that she get on that plane and they share a passionate kiss. She dashes off but returns immediately. Turns out she has no ticket or luggage. Danny can't believe he has to say goodbye all over again, and Vicki tells him that "We'll always have the terminal lounge."

Becky tells Jesse that he doesn't have to play with The Diplomats, and that he needs to work on his own music. Jesse states that he will continue to work on his music but he needs to take these gigs too. Because whether he makes $1 million or $1, he needs to contribute some money to his family because he's a man. Becky finally gets it and STFU. He hops back on stage to "rock out" with The Diplomats, and I really feel as though these guys were underutilized. They should have kept up this arc for at least 6 episodes, because...  

THE DIPLOMATS > THE RIPPERS

Jus' sayin'.

"What is it with you kids and Ding-Dongs?" or Sisters in Crime (5.14)

Jesse and Becky are in the kitchen, engaged in a burping contest with the twins in order to escape diaper duty for the remainder of the day. Naturally, it wouldn't be a Full House opening segment without UgTot popping up to butt her nose in. When Jesse tells her they are having a contest to see who burps force, UgTot belches loudly with an "In Your Face" and depart. Charming.

Becky is preparing the twins for a trip to the infamous Aunt Ida's. Joey, Jesse and Danny come out dressed in full hockey gear ready for a day of male bonding via a charity hockey game. The doorbell rings and it's Vicki acting like a cat in heat, salivating over Danny in his manly goalie uniform. Jesse rubs the twins' heads for good luck and tells Becky that if their hair doesn't start growing soon "I'm buying them matching baby toupees." Womp womp.

With all the adults on their way out the door, we learn that poor DJ sacrificed her Saturday night to baby-sit Stephanie and Ug because Hunka-Hunk Steve never called. Danny's parting words to DJ include making sure Stephanie finishes her book report and keeping Ug inside because the princess has the sniffles. So you know Deej is going to fail on both accounts- Sitcom foreshadowing!

In the kitchen, Stephanie is trying to play the role of the dutiful good daughter and is hard at work on her book report. Unfortunately for her, she has an Ug sniffling her bratty boogers in her ear. Oh Ug, how I loathe you... let me count the ways. Back in the living room, the doorbell rings and it's none other than "I was the voice of Aladdin" Steve. Turns out he wasn't blowing DJ off, but sent a note through some of her friends to ask her out. It's called a telephone, Steve. Ever heard of it? Steve wants to go to the movies, and DJ is about to drop her panties and run out the door, but she remembers her baby-sitting duties. Desperate for a piece of that Steve sandwich, DJ suggests that she just bring her "adorable" sisters along. I'm sure Steve is thrilled.

 DJ rushes into the kitchen to tell Steph and Ug to put on their coats because they are going to the movies. Ug snots back that she isn't allowed to leave the house because "Dad said." Oh sure, the one time Michelle actually listens and wants to follow the rules is at the expense of her sister's love life. DJ tries to sell Steve's appeal on her sisters: "You don't get it. The hottest guy in the junior class is in our living room. He has his own car. And he can grow a mustache in less than a month." Steve offers DJ an out, because he knows he won't be feeling up on any of that Tanner tittay in the back row of the theater with the chillens present.

 Stephanie and Michelle are thoroughly unimpressed with Steve. Steph demands to see his driver's license and Ug challenges him, "Let's see you grow a mustache." Steve tries to hurry them along because Thunder Raceway starts in a half hour. Methanie, I mean Stephanie, has to be a total buzzkill and refuses to see the movie because it's PG and she lacks parental guidance. Turns out the only G movie playing is something called The Littlest Sea Lion, which delights both Ug and Steph. Man, Steve must be really hard up, because he agrees to see The Littlest Sea Lion stating, "Hey it's alright. Hopefully, we won't even be watching the movie." Which, ew. Really dude? In front of her little sisters? Maybe we should call you Skeeve.

At the theater, Meth and Ug blew through all of DJ's money on a smorgasbord of movie snacks, rendering DJ unable to purchase tickets. Steve only has money for himself and DJ and wonders if they should just forget about their date. DJ is desperate for a piece of that skeevy Aladdin action, so she finds Kimmy, who is an usher in the theater (convenient!) and she agrees to sneak the little rugrats in. Stephanie of course can't just walk into the theater and leave well enough alone, she has to interrogate Kimmy and DJ for her stubs. I don't know why Steve didn't just give her his and DJ's stubs, but instead, Kimmy makes up some story that they were the millionth customers and won a free movie pass.

In the theater, DJ separates herself from the brats so she can get all up on Steve. The theater manager comes up and asks for their stubs because lately they've had incidents of kids theater hopping. Ah theater hopping, a former favorite past time of mine. I remember when Gladiator came out, I was only 15 so my friend and I bought tickets to some G rated cartoon and we snuck in so we could enjoy Russell Crowe in all of his muscular, hot, sexy, bloody goodness. Uh, but I digress.

Kimmy sees this all go down and alerts DJ who is throat deep on Steve's face that her sisters were busted. DJ is of course only worried about herself and what will happen if they call her Dad. Kimmy is concerned about losing her job and hopes that they won't rat her out. Cut to Stephanie in the manager's office, spelling out Gibbler to ensure that she's fired. Although she's normally my fave, I've got to say that Stephanie is kind of a shit in this episode.

 The manager is baffled as to why Kimmy would tell them they were the one millionth customers, when the theater has only been open a week. Stephanie says that Kimmy is a nutcase. All of a sudden, DJ bursts in to save the day. She tells the manager that Stephanie and Michelle, aka "Snake" and "Sniffles," have been running this scam all over town, sneaking into various G rated movies. She defends Kimmy's innocence and assures the manager that the girls will be dealt with.

At home, DJ is convincing Ug and Steph to tell Danny some "fiblets" regarding their afternoon. She tells them that the key to a fiblet is details. I beg to differ, Deej. Throwing in too many unnecessary details always screams bullshit. She tells Stephanie to say that she spent all day on her book report, enjoying a diagonally cut bologna sandwich, chocolate milk and a Ho-Ho for lunch. Stephanie requests a Ding-Dong as opposed to a Ho-Ho. DJ tells Michelle to say that they played Candy Land and Ug won. Ug would also like a fictitious Ding-Dong. When DJ tries to review the day's events, Ug reverts back to the truth. Stephanie rightly assesses that they are so busted.

Danny, Jesse and Joey come in squabbling about their less than stellar hockey performance. Turns out Jesse can't skate, and Danny couldn't stop a puck to save his life. Danny was consumed by the filth among his goal and spent more time cleaning than defending, and Jesse ended up scoring the winning goal... for the other team. Jesse tells Joey that him and his mullet take the game too seriously. They begin arguing throwing around such awesome names as "Dippity Do Head", "Elmer Fudd Face" and "Mop and Glow." Bwah.

Becky comes home with the twins who are covered in lip stick marks from their visit to Aunt Ida's. She chastises the guys, comparing them to chimps at the zoo. The guys are remorseful for a moment, and then resume their pissing contest by seeing who can do the most push-ups. God, just whip 'em out already, guys.

Danny comes up to the girls' room and Danny fawns over how mature and responsible DJ is. DJ's inner monologue is agonizing over her deceit. Stephanie tells Danny about her day and it sounds so obviously rehearsed that DJ is convinced their busted. But, fortunately for them, Danny must have taken a few too many shots to the head because he buys it. Now it's Ug's turn and she upholds the lie! DJ laments that she turned her sisters into liars, but is comforted that at least they are good liars.

Danny wants to take the girls to the movies as a reward and goes on and on about how wonderful DJ is and how she is getting a raise on her allowance. DJ finally cracks and confesses the whole thing, resulting in all three girls being grounded. "Even me? Your little princess?" Yes, even you, you little shit.

Danny leaves and Steph asks why DJ confessed when they had gotten away with it. DJ asks if she ever hears the voice in her head that tells her she's doing wrong. Steph retorts, "Yeah, but I told it to shut up and listen to you." Michelle is unsurprisingly unfamiliar with the concept of a conscience and thinks it sounds like a nuisance. And is that really a surprise to anyone? Self-centered, amoral and remorseless Ug. So that's why she acts the way she does, she's a sociopath! Mystery solved.

She's Baa-aack!

Yes, it is I, the Milkman, risen from the ashes of an abandoned blog to once more inflict countless hours of Michelle Tanner Torture on myself to recap for the masses. I know it's been just under 2 years since my last update, and if anyone still checks this, I'm sure you were just about to give up on me. If anyone cares to know what I've been doing, in the past two years since I've been neglecting my blog, I've completed my Master's and picked up my life and moved it across the state. I've finally left the stone ages and ponied up for a DVR so it's going to be a lot easier to churn out postings. So for those of you who have hung in there, I thank you. Stay tuned for more Michelle-hating goodies!