Monday, October 15, 2012

"'Am I the Raddest, Baddest Dad you ever had?' 'You were until you said that.'" or Crushed (5.16)

Another episode sans the opening scene? And this time, I know for sure it wasn't some DVR trickey. You're really slacking on me, Season Five.

We open with Jesse and Becky and the twins in the kitchen. Joey comes in and proclaims the twins are his "biggest fans" (try, your ONLY fans, Gladstone). Joey proceeds to torture all of us with his tired ass Bullwinkle routine. The babies laugh, and Jesse and Becky inform Joey to not get too excited because even Jesse blowing his proud Greek nose causes them to crack up.

Because she can't allow anyone to ever do anything that doesn't concern her ever, Ug marches in and states that she can make the twins laugh too. Only she can't.

"Michelle-winkle"? Seriously? Becky and Jesse pretend the twins were just tired, and quickly whisk them away before their entire day is consumed by the Ugly one. She tells Joey she wants to be funny "just like you." ....'Kay. Not going to touch that one. They wander off doing something called a "power laugh" and I feel so bad for anyone who crosses that duo's path.

Stephanie and DJ come down and Stephanie is begging her father to let her ditch school because 1. It's her birthday, and 2. Some tween heartthrob named Tommy Page is guesting on WUSF and she wants to meet him. Steph lays the guilt trip on pretty thick, but Danny is firm in his refusal, but later reveals to DJ he's already lined Tommy up to make a guest appearance at Stephanie's party and sing to her.

Fast forward to Stephanie's party. Lots of young girls are dancing and Uncle Jesse saunters through the crowd inappropriately thrusting behind them. Kinda squicky. DJ Joey Badstone is spinning the jams. Stephanie notices that none of the boys are dancing and enlists resident perv Uncle Jesse to get them to dance. They refuse, so Jesse suggests ladies' choice, and naturally they all rush to him. He shoves them off, but you know deep down, if Becky wasn't there, he'd have been all over that.

C&C Music Factory is pumping and Steph busts into some sick choreography. Hey, remember when Steph wanted to be a dancer? Neither does anyone else, because by Season Five this shit was almost entirely the Michelle show. Speaking of that UgSnot, she's trying (and failing (that's two fails only 5 minutes into the show!)) to follow suit and ends up just messing up one of the other girl's dancing. You know that girl was pissed. She thought this was going to be her big break, dancing on a major sitcom, and her seamless choreography is fucked up by a bumbling child.

DJ comes in with a ravenous Kimmy who is desperately trying to get her hands on some of that sweet, sweet Tommy Page ass. And really, who can blame her?

"Paintings In My Mind"? Shit's deep, man. A quick Google search tells me that this Tommy Page fellow actually did exist and have a music career. All this time I assumed he was a made up celebrity for the show. Allegedly he had some hit song I've never heard of in 1990 entitled "I'll Be Your Everything."

You're welcome.

Danny attempts to put the fear of God into Kimmy to keep her hands off of Tommy, but everybody knows you can't keep the Gibbler down. DJ gives Joey the signal, he cuts the music and Jesse begins playing the intro to some awful ballad on his keyboard and Tommy Page walks in and begins serenading Steph with a song entitled "Stephanie." All the girls sway in the background and all the guys grumble amongst themselves that they could take this dude in a fight. I gotta say, Tommy has like zero charisma and stage presence.

The song ends and DJ loosens her grip on Kimmy, and she bolts into Tommy's arms. She asks him to sign an autograph that says "To Kimmy, the woman of my dreams" to which Danny snarks that Tommy writes music, "not science fiction." Ouch! A sizzling burn for the Tan-Man!

Jesse embarrasses himself trying to whore out his music to Tommy who could not be less impressed. Ug obviously demands he start working on her song for her upcoming birthday in November. He laughs and tells her she's funny and she informs him she's in "comedy college" and unleashes that gawdawful power laugh on him. Say it with me now, STFU Ug!

DJ introduces herself, and after the shitshow that just transpired, makes a glowing impression. Tommy asks her to show him around the major sights of San Fran. Ruh roh.

Stephanie is in the midst of planning her wedding to Tommy with San Francisco's premier wedding planner, Comet the Golden Retriever. Just then, DJ and Tommy come bursting through the kitchen door, and not seeing Stephanie, gush about the wonderful day they had. Tommy even offers to get her backstage passes to his show tonight and oh, Deej. You're so going to have to put out. He gives her a kiss on the lips and heads downstairs to cut some tracks with Jesse. DJ is elated and Stephanie, still completely unnoticed, runs upstairs, totally distraught and heartbroken. Perhaps it was this moment, when she was spurned by a one-"hit" wonder that set her on a path towards drugs? I never read Jodi Sweetin's autobiography, so I'm not sure, but I like attributing it to Tommy Page.

Joey and Michelle intrude upon Becky & Jesse's attic apartment for Michelle to try her new comedy routine on the twins. Still not funny. She gets a cheap giggle out of the boys by shoving the pie in Joey's face. He chases her out of the room with threats of a "sloppy kiss." Vom.

Stephanie then comes in (boy, does anyone ever knock? Bet they're glad they gave up Becky's place to live in the attic now!) and asks to talk to Becky, woman-to-woman. She asks Becky what she would do if another woman stole Uncle Jesse from her. Becky spouts some BS that that would never happen because they're so in love and committed, but ends with a menacing, "She wouldn't know what hit her." Bwah! I like Becky with an edge. Stephanie marches off to lay waste to DJ "The Scuzz Queen."

Kimmy comes over to continue to stalk Tommy and wants all of DJ's dirty deets on her day with Tommy. Kimmy is uber-jealous, but backs down pretty easily and wishes her well. That's pretty cool. Most girls would probably try and snake him.

Down in the studio, Tommy finishes the song and Jesse tells him how appreciative they are. Tommy admits that he actually wrote the song for his girlfriend, Melanie. What an asshole. If I was his girlfriend, I'd be pissed that he was gallivanting around San Francisco and locking lips with DJ. What a pig. The red light goes off and DJ is down the stairs faster than... um... faster than Kim Kardashian's marriage. She pretends she wasn't staring at the light, but does a poor job covering it.

Stephanie comes down with a box of photos determined to ruin DJ's blossoming romance with Tommy. Some of these pics include DJ with the mumps, her first bath, and baby DJ with a fanny rash. DJ yanks Stephanie by the arm and hauls her out of the basement. The girls bicker in the kitchen over who is Tommy's rightful girlriend and begin chasing each other around the house, with the three men in tow.

The finally pull the girls apart and Stephanie's proof that Tommy was her's is that he signed her CD "Love, Tommy." Joey quickly bursts that bubble by pointing out that Tommy signed his CD "Love, Tommy." And I need to just take a moment and point out that Joey is wearing one of the fugliest sweaters known to man: a red sweater that reads "Tomato Ketch-" that is supposed to mimic a ketchup bottle. Hideous.

Danny lets Steph down gently, and DJ butts in that Stephanie has a little girl crush, but her fling with Tommy is the real deal. Tommy finally emerges from the basement and states that he just wants to be friends with both girls. I really wish DJ called him out for kissing her on the lips, which, I'm sorry, but I still maintain it is so inappropriate for a guy with a girlfriend to do. Tommy then walks out the door and into obscurity.

Stephanie is moping in bed and DJ joins her operating on the notion of misery loves company. DJ says that she'll never steal any of Steph's boyfriends (duh, they'll be 5 years younger, so that would be mad creepy and socially unacceptable for a long time), because men come and go, but sister's are forever. She also demands that Steph turn over all of the embarrassing photos, and she agrees. DJ leaves and Stephanie smiles, turns on her recording of "Stephanie" and curls up with Mr. Bear. I leave you with that rocking tune now, readers. Enjoy.



Jus' sayin'.


Vani B. said...

Ugh. Michelle has the same birth month as me? *vomits*

I was always bothered by the fact that Tommy Page asked DJ on a date that night, then kissed her, then revealed to someone else that he had a girlfriend and then told DJ he just wanted to be friends.

And if I'm not mistaken, he also gave Stephanie a peck ON THE LIPS, right after he gave her an autograph. No wonder she was so upset. What a jerk.

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