"Mommy! I'm chafing again!" or Yours, Mine and Ours (5.21)

Ahh and now we're full swing into Nick and Alex mode. Becky and Jesse have been reduced to a squabbling old married couple constantly bickering on their different ideas about child-rearing. Mainly, Becky's way paranoid and overprotective, whereas Jesse's a bit more cavalier in his parenting tactics. Danny suggests an evening of Tanner Family Fun at a pirate themed restaurant. When he invites the new parents along, Jesse accepts and Becky declines citing it's the height of cold and flu season. Squabble squabble squabble.

The rest of the clan reluctantly traipses to the nautically themed restaurant and none of them want to be there. DJ's embarrassed to be out somewhere so lame and worries that she might be seen by some of her peers (although, I would argue that by being there themselves, her classmates lose any rights to mock her). Joey doesn't eat seafood, UgSnot yearns for chocolate cake, and Stephanie opts for the most expensive thing on the menu, The Sunken Treasure.

At the house, Jesse returns back from picking up some pizza with a bald-headed twin in tow. Becky freaks out that he took one of the babies out in the cold without a hat quotes her mother that "A hat on the head keeps a child out of bed." The each call their respective mothers to complain about the other's wacked parenting techniques and then switch phones. Mrs. Donaldson also teaches Jesse that "A scarf on the throat goes great with a coat." The phone switching continues and results in Jesse insulting Becky's mother. Jesse covers his ass and they end up putting Irene and Mrs. Donaldson's phones together and letting them squawk at one another.

Becky and Jesse then imagine what Nicky and Alex will be like when they're older if each continues parenting the way they have been. Nicky, raised by lenient Jesse turns out to be a biker rebel sporting some fierce long dark curly locks. Alex, coddled by Becky, is a chess-playing geeky mama's boy. The best part of it all is that Jesse is balding and has hair plugs, which Nicky mocks prompting a wounded Jesse to meekly ask, "You can tell I have plugs?" To which Nicky retorts "Only when I look at you!" Back to present day, Becky and Jesse remark how scary the prospective future is. Becky's talking about the way Nicky turned out, and Jesse was talking about his hair loss. The Bickersons are finally jolted back to reality when they realize that one of the twins is sick. Cue the serious music!

Back at the pirate restaurant, Stephanie's sunken treasure comes out and looks absolutely foul. It includes an octopus or squid that may or may not be dead as it suctions itself to the plate. Joey is about to enjoy his "slab of salted beef" when he is suddenly bombarded by a throng of prepubescent fans. He says that he'll be more than happy to sign autographs as soon as he finishes his dinner. Just then, one of the little pukes sneezes on his food and Joey is thoroughly disgusted. Yet another example of the gross mishandling of food done by FH. Vomit. A giant chocolate cake is mistakenly delivered to the Tanner table until Stephanie informs the waitstaff that UgSnot's name isn't Sarah.

DJ recognizes some kids from school who totally laugh at her. Then their bitchy ringleader Shelly, walks up to her and says that they're there to make fun of the losers who go there with their families. Again, I have to question how cool this Shelly bitch and her friends are that they would actually waste an entire night sitting in a lame restaurant. Methinks they need to reexamine their priorities. Rather than point out this glaringly obvious point, DJ just slumps down in her chair and covers her face, humiliated.

Danny is fed up by his family's shitty attitude and asks for the check. Because somebody ordered the Sunken Treasure and didn't finish it, the pirate captain is making Danny walk the plank. He yells "Argh!" a lot, leading to the obvious and unfunny pun "That's your favorite letter, isn't it?" You should have to walk the plank for that lame joke alone, Tanner. Before he walks the plank, Danny stands before the entire restaurant and gives a speech about what he wanted out of this evening, some good clean family fun and togetherness. Stephanie runs up and tries to take his place because after all, she was the one who ordered the undersea world of Jacques Cousteau for dinner. Joey runs up and says that he had a rotten attitude from the get-go and this is all his fault and he should walk the plank. DJ then comes up and says they all had bad attitudes and says that she was embarrassed to be there, but now that she's standing up in front of the entire restaurant... she's entirely humiliated. UgSnot joins the rest of the family up on the deck, but the only thing she wants to know is if Sarah is going to eat all of that cake. Sarah just nods and I laugh at Michelle not getting her way. Man, Ug's a piggish little snot, isn't she? The entire family ends up walking the plank into a ball pit and all I can think about is all of the disgusting things that probably lay on the bottom of that pit. Blecchh.

At the house, Jesse and Becky take all the proper steps to care for the sick twin. Jesse begins playing the blame game and beats himself up over taking the baby out without a hat until Becky points out that he took Nicky out and Alex is the one that is sick. When they finally get the doctor on the phone everything he tells them, they've already done and Jesse wonders what the hell they're paying him for. Alex's fever goes down, they've survived their first medical emergency, go Team Katsopolis!

"That's not sweat- it's a mother's glow" or Happy Birthday, Babies, Parts I and II (5.9, 5.10)

I have to preface that the second episode of this two-parter is quite possibly hands down my favorite FH episode. Even though the end result is Nicky and Alex, Jesse's post-surgery doped up ramblings always have me in stitches. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm pretty much going to skip over the first episode because it's even more Ug-Centric than ever. You see, it's Ug's 5th birthday and she's just ever so excited for her Flinstones themed birthday party. To placate the whining hosebeast, Danny whips out her baby book and we're tortured with about 30 minutes of reminiscing about UgSnot through the years. Yeah, it's pretty much a clip show. Clips of pure, unadulterated fug. Danny says that with her 5th birthday, they'll be able to complete her baby book and then they can start two new baby books for the twins. Because the attention has been shifted off of her for 5 minutes, Ug throws a pouty shit-fit and demands they cancel her birthday so that she can stay a baby forever. Pfft, the cancellation is not necessary, Michelle's always going to be a baby because she will always act like an immature petulant brat so long as the Tanner clan enables her like they do.

Blah blah, ass-kissing cakes, eventually the family convinces Michelle to age (like she really had a choice in the matter) and her Flinstones party kicks off. We have Danny as Dino, Jesse as Fred, Joey as Barney, DJ as Wilma, Steph as Betty, Michelle as Pebbles, Comet as a Stegosaurus and Becky as the ferocious Pregosaurus. This is a pretty extravagant affair and I can't help but feel like I was gypped in my childhood so far as my birthday parties (I keed I keed, that shit's tacky as fuck). Becky goes into labor and the entire family freaks and caught up in all of the excitement, they all rush out the door leaving Ug and all of her party guests behind unattended. Cue the cheesy "Home Alone" joke. Since none of the kids are allowed to use matches, Ug simulates blowing out the candles. The kids also aren't allowed to use knives so Teddy karate chops the cake. Yuck. The myriad of ways that this show mishandles food in the most disgusting manner possible skeeves me out. Just then, Joey, DJ and Steph rush in and see they were too late.

At the hospital, Jesse, still in his Fred Flinstone muumuu, starts experiencing what he believes to be "sympathy pains." Turns out he needs to have his appendix removed. Danny, still dressed as Dino, offers to step in and act as Becky's coach. He also asks for a hospital gown to change into. Once he does, he manages to flash a couple of old ladies on account of he's not wearing any pants.

Back at the house, DJ and Stephanie organize a game of Open the Present You Brought as Fast as You Can. The kids open the presents and present them to Ug as she walks down the line deciding whether or not she likes the gift. Man, she's such a little shit. I wonder how many of those kids only went to the party for the free cake or because their parents made them. My guess is all but Teddy. They rush the guests out so that they can meet up with the rest of the family at the hospital.

At the hospital, Danny is coaching a sweaty Becky through her breathing exercises. Her breathing pattern prompts Danny to start singing "We Will Rock You." Yet another reason for me to love Danny Tanner, he's a Queen fan! Joey, DJ and Steph arrive and it turns out that Kimmy's also kicking it at the hospital. She's found a cute boy with 2 broken arms to prey upon. Apparently she spoon fed him Jell-o. Danny opens the door to invite the crew from WUSF into Becky's delivery room. Becky is less than thrilled with Danny's idea to include her giving birth as a segment on the show and she plasters a fake smile on her face as she tells the crew, and San Francisco, to get out of her room.

Now comes the brilliance. They wheel in Jesse, who just had his appendix removed and who is completely hopped up on painkillers. He calls Danny "Donny" and mistakes him for Becky's husband. Becky and Danny try to set him straight and Jesse replies "A wife and a baby in the same day... radical." He then launches into a song "Having my baby... what a lovely way to say how much you looooooove me." This recap doesn't even do the hilarity of it all justice. I tried to find a video of it on youtube but was unsuccessful, so hopefully most of you remember this scene as vividly as I do. Jesse asks Becky "Won't your husband Donny be jealous?" Bwah. Slays me.

Becky gives birth, Joey does some dumb voices, Danny promises the twins April fresh diapers. They reveal the names, one is Alexander, named for Becky's high school teacher who inspired her to pursue a career in journalism and the other is Nicholas, named for Jesse's father. UgSnot's pissy about having to share her birthday, until the prospect of 3 cakes is brought up and her piggish heart swells with glee. The family softly sings "Happy Birthday" to Michelle, Alex and Nicky and this show just got a whole lot more annoying.

BONUS: While I was trying to find a clip of Uncle Jesse stoned, I happened upon this video of Jesse's song "A Little More Love" from a couple recaps back. Turns out it's an original song co-wrote by Stamos and Mark Vogel. Enjoy! I can't help it, I think it's catchy as fuck!

"Well I know I'm just as sad about this tap shoe tragedy as she is." or The Legend of Ranger Joe (5.6)

Look at me! Back to blogging! Your prayers have been answered. Also, please note another new addition to the blogroll; long-time reader and hilarious commentator colleenn has launched a blog reliving the glory of old school Nickelodeon so you should definitely check it out.

Stephanie, being the gracious and all around wonderful sister that she is, gives UgSnot her old tap shoes and teaches her a simple tap routine to "Tea for Two." Michelle, naturally, sucks ass.

Jesse is trying to come up with names for the twins and is obviously hiding something about his obsession over selecting the perfect names. Joey meanders downstairs, looking like shit after completely bombing his comedy show from the night before. Apparently his audience was comprised of foreign tourists and unfortunately, unfunny is a language that can be understood by all. Jesse tells Joey that he's in luck because a newspaper strike is preventing the bad review of Joey's show from reaching the masses. The phone rings and it's the local radio station with a trivia question: How much does Deputy Dog weigh? Jesse, like most people in this situation, has the appropriate "WTF?" kind of reaction. Joey lunges at the phone and answers that "Without his hat and uniform, Deputy Dog weighs 43 lbs." And wow, Joey just achieved a new level of loser I didn't think possible. With that bit of useless trivia, Joey has won himself Donny and Marie tickets. Um... yay? Were tickets to an Osmond concert considered a hot commodity?

Joey settles in to wait for the cable guy, and is expecting to be in it for the long haul, but his lucky streak continues when the cable man knocks on the door. And the cable man turns out to be a hot cable woman. She's bummed because apparently she tried to secure Donny and Marie tickets and they were sold out. Um really? Have I been greatly underestimating the mass appeal of those toothy Mormon fools? Joey scores himself a date and also some free cable including the truck and trailer pull channel. Um yay again? I know these are all supposed to be kickass things that are building a lucky streak for Joey, but color me unimpressed.

The guys turn on "Wake Up San Francisco" and today's guest is children's TV host, Ranger Roy. He comes out and has everyone give themselves a big bear hug. During the interview, Roy tells Danny that he's planning on retiring from the magical forest and Danny suggests Joey as a replacement.

Back at the house, Ug is being annoying. I know I know, what else is new? But, this time she's annoying us in a new medium, that of tap-dancing butchery. She is straight-up the most obnoxious tap dancing troll ever. Poor Stephanie, this is what she gets for trying to be nice to her shitkicker of a sister.

Joey goes down to the station to audition to be the successor to Ranger Roy's tree stump. Prior to Joey's arrival, Roy informs Danny that he suffers from acute physical paranoia. That means that Roy hates to be touched and when he is, he freaks out and hyperventilates. That is why he created the whole "give yourself a big bear hug" shtick. Joey comes in and wows Roy with his myriad of cartoon voices and gets the job. Joey is so ecstatic and thankful that he gives Roy a big hug, and mistakes his stressed breathing as shared joy. Joey runs off to spread his good news and Danny apologizes on his behalf and says that he won't regret hiring Joey. To this, Ranger Roy simply replies, through labored breaths, "He's fired!"

At the house, Stephanie and Becky are enthralled watching the truck and trailer pull channel. Steph also confesses that she hid Michelle's shoes and buried them i the backyard. Bwah! Go Steph! Joey comes in and tells the girls his good news and proclaims it to be his luckiest day ever. DJ comes in and tells everyone that she called Grandma to get to the bottom of Jesse's squirrelly behavior regarding the twins' names and reveals that Uncle Jesse's real name is... Hermes! Ouch. That's pretty rough, and I'm part Greek.

Jesse comes in carrying the stolen tap shoes. Unfortunately, Stephanie's dastardly plan was foiled by Comet who dug up the tap shoes. Stephanie tries to play it off that Comet buried them until Jesse points out that the shoes were sealed in a plastic bag and then buried. Heh, whoops. Stephanie cracks and says that she could take it anymore, the incessant "Tea for two, tap tap tap" ad nauseum. She declares that her only options were to bury the shoes or lose her mind. Hey, I'm with you Steph. Though I would have probably opted to bury Michelle in the backyard. Ug turns to Uncle Jesse and says, "Thank you for finding my shoes Uncle Hermes." Becky, DJ and Steph are unable to contain their laughter as a look of horror descends upon Jesse when he realizes his secret is out.

Jesse defends his name saying that Hermes is the god of swiftness and the name represents strength, courage and hot feet. The girls apologize and ask if he wants them to start calling him Hermes to which he scoffs, "No, do I look like a geek?"

Now it's time for Joey's lucky streak to come to a screeching halt. The paper strike is over and all of the horrendous reviews of Joey's show are now out in the public eye. Next, he gets a phone call from the radio station. Turns out that his 4th cousin is the station janitor so he's ineligible to collect the Donny & Marie tickets. I've heard about stipulations like that before, but doesn't that seem a little absurd? I know I know, it's just FH, and since it's causing Joey distress, I'll look the other way. For his troubles, they throw in a sweatband. Sweet. Hot cable girl comes back and informs Joey that the cable's out for the entire street, but also to make sure that they're still on for the concert. Joey tells her that he lost out on the tickets and she flips on him for lying to her. Psycho bitch! How superficial is this ho? Ugh, did I just defend Joey? Gross. So Joey loses the tickets, but offers her the sweatband and she gets all pissy that he doesn't have it on him. Superficial ho, get off my TV screen!

Danny comes in to deliver the final blow. He tells Joey about Ranger Roy's acute physical paranoia and tells him that he lost the job. Joey is horrified because he sent Roy a bear hug-a-gram as a thank you, and even paid extra for the tummy rub. Joey and Danny rush down to the station to intercept the giant manbear(pig) and save Ranger Roy. Unfortunately, they're too late. Roy goes into full-on hyperventilation but it's time for the show to begin. Ruh-roh. Danny pulls Joey onto the set to cover for Roy and Joey's reluctant but steps up and does a pretty decent job. Joey and Mr. Woodchuck "entertain" us with their stupid wood puns and Roy recovers from his attack and is impressed with Joey's performance. He gives Joey the job, but unfortunately does not require him to cut his mullet. He has the children attack Joey with a bear hug and the episode ends with me being skeeved out with some serious Michael Jackson pedo-vibes.

"Well there was a turtle and a duck..." or The King and I (5.5)

The whole Tanner clan is excitedly preparing for the annual Tanner Family Picnic where they are representing the Bay area Tanners. All of their tasks have been assigned: Ug and Jesse are doing the balloon race, Joey is doing the pie eating contest and Stephanie and DJ are doing the 3-legged race. Stephanie is insistent that they begin practicing right away and ties their legs together. Just then, DJ's phone rings and she thinks it's some studly stud from school and the girls 3-leg their way up the stairs only to find out that the call is for Stephanie.

Joey starts boasting about his pie eating abilities, and Becky and her prego ass steps up to challenge him. Since she's eating for 3, she easily kicks his ass and replaces Joey as the Tanner rep in the pie-eating contest. She smokes him so bad that she even has time to give Jesse a blueberry covered kiss and return to eating and still win! Jesse tells the family that he needs to come up with the song to end all songs and is not to be disturbed under any circumstances.

Down in the basement, I mean studio, Jesse is hard at work, agonizing and trying to come up with the ultimate song (think Roger in "Rent" with "One Song Glory"). Michelle comes down wanting to practice the balloon race for the picnic (Side note: What the hell is a balloon race? Is that when you stick a balloon between your thighs and try to waddle across the finish line without popping the balloon?) Joey comes in to be his annoying self and Becky tries to bring Jesse a sandwich and all three are promptly booted out of the room by a surly Jesse. Becky thinks she's exempt from the expulsion because she's all fat and prego and waddled all the way down the stairs just to bring him a tasty sangwich. Jesse is merciless and tells her to get to stepping.

It's time for the Tanner Family Picnic! Joey tells Becky that he has entered the pie eating contest as a Wild Card contestant and it's just like let it go, fat man. Becky beat you, so you should probably look towards cultivating a talent other than competitive eating or comedy. Kimmy's ready and raring to go, but Danny feigns sadness over the fact that there's no room in the van for anyone outside the family. Just then, Jesse comes in and declares that he's not going to the picnic. Danny pleads with Jesse that the possibility of Kimmy joining them in the van means the family needs him now, more than ever. Jesse refuses, and Ug whines that he's her partner and he says to find a new partner. She pisses and moans that he promised and Jesse snaps that he's breaking his promise and for the family to go fuck themselves (not verbatim). The adults are a little taken aback by Jesse's demeanor and UgSnot pouts, "Uncle Jesse's not nice anymore." Uproarious laughter ensues from my couch at Ug's misery.

Jesse gets back to work but still has got nothing, so he goes for a ride to go clear his head. Meanwhile, in the rented van, Joey has to pee, Ug whines "Are we there yet?" and Stephanie accuses Kimmy of staring at her. Kimmy denies it, but she totally is. Just then, a familiar stank descends upon the car. Did they hit a skunk? Nay! Kimmy decided to take her shoes off and let her rankass feet air out.

Jesse has arrived at some podunk truck stop diner and is seated next to an Elvis/Wayne Newton look-alike. He chides Jesse for snapping at his family and tells him that family is the most important thing and should always come first because without family, all the success that comes with a great music career means nothing without the love of your family. Would you like some cheese on your sandwich, faux-Elvis? Jesse compliments his advice and he says "Thank you, thank you very much." Jesse remarks that he reminds him of someone, and faux-Elvis says that he gets it all the time, that he looks like Wayne Newton.

Jesse takes off to try and catch up with the family at the picnic and comes upon the van broken down. He rides up on his motorcycle like a knight on his steed ready to save the day. It's like pitch-black out now, so unless this Tanner Family picnic is a 2 or 3-day extravaganza, methinks they might have missed it. Jesse fixes the van in a matter of minutes and apologizes to the family. Obvs, because UgSnot is, well, an ugly little snot, won't accept Jesse's apology at first until he promises to do the race with her. So I guess they didn't miss the picnic. But why? Why must they always cater to this little doucherag?

When everyone's back home, Jesse debuts the new song he wrote that was inspired by his love of his family (laaaaaaaame). We'll call it "Give a Little More Love" because that seems to be the most repeated phrase in the chorus. The family grooves out gaily. Jesse does a crazy conga drum solo and his black female back up singer looks SO familiar. Where do I know her from? She's not on the IMDB page! Help meee! It pains me to admit it, but I actually kind of like the song. It's cheesy as hell but also pretty catchy. Don't you judge!

How Rude!

Sorry that June's recaps sort of tapered off. I was doing so well! I've started going to the gym more and between that and work, I've been napping a lot more. I know that's like the piss-pooriest excuse for no blogging, but you should see my trainwreck of an apartment. I haven't had time to clean it in weeks (and by haven't had time, I mean, I've been super exhausted.) I vow to top June's number of blogs in July, and in between recaps, might I suggest visiting Fear Street and my new favorite, Like Pike, listed on the left-hand margin? I've been loving the trips down memory lane those blogs have provided for me.

Anyways, I hope everyone had a safe and happy (and drunken) fourth and I'll try to have a couple of recaps out before the end of next week. Sorry again for sucking so hard.