"Well I know I'm just as sad about this tap shoe tragedy as she is." or The Legend of Ranger Joe (5.6)

Look at me! Back to blogging! Your prayers have been answered. Also, please note another new addition to the blogroll; long-time reader and hilarious commentator colleenn has launched a blog reliving the glory of old school Nickelodeon so you should definitely check it out.

Stephanie, being the gracious and all around wonderful sister that she is, gives UgSnot her old tap shoes and teaches her a simple tap routine to "Tea for Two." Michelle, naturally, sucks ass.

Jesse is trying to come up with names for the twins and is obviously hiding something about his obsession over selecting the perfect names. Joey meanders downstairs, looking like shit after completely bombing his comedy show from the night before. Apparently his audience was comprised of foreign tourists and unfortunately, unfunny is a language that can be understood by all. Jesse tells Joey that he's in luck because a newspaper strike is preventing the bad review of Joey's show from reaching the masses. The phone rings and it's the local radio station with a trivia question: How much does Deputy Dog weigh? Jesse, like most people in this situation, has the appropriate "WTF?" kind of reaction. Joey lunges at the phone and answers that "Without his hat and uniform, Deputy Dog weighs 43 lbs." And wow, Joey just achieved a new level of loser I didn't think possible. With that bit of useless trivia, Joey has won himself Donny and Marie tickets. Um... yay? Were tickets to an Osmond concert considered a hot commodity?

Joey settles in to wait for the cable guy, and is expecting to be in it for the long haul, but his lucky streak continues when the cable man knocks on the door. And the cable man turns out to be a hot cable woman. She's bummed because apparently she tried to secure Donny and Marie tickets and they were sold out. Um really? Have I been greatly underestimating the mass appeal of those toothy Mormon fools? Joey scores himself a date and also some free cable including the truck and trailer pull channel. Um yay again? I know these are all supposed to be kickass things that are building a lucky streak for Joey, but color me unimpressed.

The guys turn on "Wake Up San Francisco" and today's guest is children's TV host, Ranger Roy. He comes out and has everyone give themselves a big bear hug. During the interview, Roy tells Danny that he's planning on retiring from the magical forest and Danny suggests Joey as a replacement.

Back at the house, Ug is being annoying. I know I know, what else is new? But, this time she's annoying us in a new medium, that of tap-dancing butchery. She is straight-up the most obnoxious tap dancing troll ever. Poor Stephanie, this is what she gets for trying to be nice to her shitkicker of a sister.

Joey goes down to the station to audition to be the successor to Ranger Roy's tree stump. Prior to Joey's arrival, Roy informs Danny that he suffers from acute physical paranoia. That means that Roy hates to be touched and when he is, he freaks out and hyperventilates. That is why he created the whole "give yourself a big bear hug" shtick. Joey comes in and wows Roy with his myriad of cartoon voices and gets the job. Joey is so ecstatic and thankful that he gives Roy a big hug, and mistakes his stressed breathing as shared joy. Joey runs off to spread his good news and Danny apologizes on his behalf and says that he won't regret hiring Joey. To this, Ranger Roy simply replies, through labored breaths, "He's fired!"

At the house, Stephanie and Becky are enthralled watching the truck and trailer pull channel. Steph also confesses that she hid Michelle's shoes and buried them i the backyard. Bwah! Go Steph! Joey comes in and tells the girls his good news and proclaims it to be his luckiest day ever. DJ comes in and tells everyone that she called Grandma to get to the bottom of Jesse's squirrelly behavior regarding the twins' names and reveals that Uncle Jesse's real name is... Hermes! Ouch. That's pretty rough, and I'm part Greek.

Jesse comes in carrying the stolen tap shoes. Unfortunately, Stephanie's dastardly plan was foiled by Comet who dug up the tap shoes. Stephanie tries to play it off that Comet buried them until Jesse points out that the shoes were sealed in a plastic bag and then buried. Heh, whoops. Stephanie cracks and says that she could take it anymore, the incessant "Tea for two, tap tap tap" ad nauseum. She declares that her only options were to bury the shoes or lose her mind. Hey, I'm with you Steph. Though I would have probably opted to bury Michelle in the backyard. Ug turns to Uncle Jesse and says, "Thank you for finding my shoes Uncle Hermes." Becky, DJ and Steph are unable to contain their laughter as a look of horror descends upon Jesse when he realizes his secret is out.

Jesse defends his name saying that Hermes is the god of swiftness and the name represents strength, courage and hot feet. The girls apologize and ask if he wants them to start calling him Hermes to which he scoffs, "No, do I look like a geek?"

Now it's time for Joey's lucky streak to come to a screeching halt. The paper strike is over and all of the horrendous reviews of Joey's show are now out in the public eye. Next, he gets a phone call from the radio station. Turns out that his 4th cousin is the station janitor so he's ineligible to collect the Donny & Marie tickets. I've heard about stipulations like that before, but doesn't that seem a little absurd? I know I know, it's just FH, and since it's causing Joey distress, I'll look the other way. For his troubles, they throw in a sweatband. Sweet. Hot cable girl comes back and informs Joey that the cable's out for the entire street, but also to make sure that they're still on for the concert. Joey tells her that he lost out on the tickets and she flips on him for lying to her. Psycho bitch! How superficial is this ho? Ugh, did I just defend Joey? Gross. So Joey loses the tickets, but offers her the sweatband and she gets all pissy that he doesn't have it on him. Superficial ho, get off my TV screen!

Danny comes in to deliver the final blow. He tells Joey about Ranger Roy's acute physical paranoia and tells him that he lost the job. Joey is horrified because he sent Roy a bear hug-a-gram as a thank you, and even paid extra for the tummy rub. Joey and Danny rush down to the station to intercept the giant manbear(pig) and save Ranger Roy. Unfortunately, they're too late. Roy goes into full-on hyperventilation but it's time for the show to begin. Ruh-roh. Danny pulls Joey onto the set to cover for Roy and Joey's reluctant but steps up and does a pretty decent job. Joey and Mr. Woodchuck "entertain" us with their stupid wood puns and Roy recovers from his attack and is impressed with Joey's performance. He gives Joey the job, but unfortunately does not require him to cut his mullet. He has the children attack Joey with a bear hug and the episode ends with me being skeeved out with some serious Michael Jackson pedo-vibes.