"Do I have the biggest part?" "No... but you have the biggest mouth." or The Play's the Thing (6.8)

Stephanie and Ug come in all melancholic because the school is planning to cancel the first grade play "America the Beautiful" because there's no parent volunteer to coordinate and run things. Stephanie's bummed because she was supposed to be the choreographer for the show, and Ug is upset because without this play, she's robbed of yet another chance to make herself the center of attention. Danny's all set to step in, but unfortunately his work schedule makes it impossible for him to do so. Along with the girls, he manages to instead rope Jesse and Joey into taking the reigns.

Becky's running around like a maniac because she has a million things to do and is bogged down with her demon twins. Danny offers to watch the boys while she runs her errands and shops. She comes back with some dinky model trains for Nicky and Alex, but is dismayed when she sees that Danny beat her to the punch and already purchased two bigger and better trains, I'm talking these are ones you can ride. Danny makes a tunnel between his legs, and I must say there is something really uncomfortable about watching these young boys in such close proximity to Danny's crotch. Becky's obviously starting to get jealous of Danny's time with the boys and his far superior presents. Shut up, Becky.

Up in the girls' room, Steph is helping UgSnot rehearse "Yankee Doodle." And words can't even do justice to how horrific a Yankee Doodle Ug is. She is completely tone deaf, without any sense of rhythm and the hideous troll face makes blood stream out of my eyes and ears. Apparently both Stephanie and DJ were Yankee Doodle in their respective hey days so Michelle thinks she's a shoo-in, completely disregarding the fact that in their younger years, Steph and Deej were absolutely adorable and talented little girls. Unfortunately for all of the other children hoping to try their luck, Jesse and Joey blow smoke up Ug's ass and essentially guarantee her the part.

Now it's time for the auditions. Aaron, the loudmouthed brat in Michelle's class, is true to his form and very very loud in his rendition of "Yankee Doodle." Ug does her tone deaf thing, all the while with a shit-eating grin because she thinks she has this shit in the bag. The personal highlight of these terrible auditions for me is this little Asian girl who simply stands there, refusing to sing who finally says "I never liked this song." Bwah! I hear ya, sister! Just when Michelle thinks she has this whole thing wrapped up, the guys and Steph notice one little boy sitting off to the side who had yet to audition.

Cue SuperFlamer Derek! I know he's only a little kid here, but I don't think there was ever a more flamboyant child than Derek S. Boyd. He requests the song played in the key of E and pretty much blows all of the other kids (not like that! Pervs!) including Michelle out of the water and secures the lead role as Yankee Doodle. The look on Michelle's face is priceless, and I relish in the joy of one of the few moments where that little shit does not get her way.

Back at the Tanner household, Danny's spending more and more time with Nicky and Alex. Becky's jealousy exhibits itself in some bona fide textbook passive aggressive behavior. Michelle is also stomping around the house pissed off and bitter that the better man got the part she so coveted. DJ volunteers her and Steve to attend "America the Beautiful" which Steve is against. He's naturally less than thrilled about the prospect of wasting precious moments of his life watching some idiotic first grade play. DJ gets mad at him for this... but like, seriously, she's not even having sex with him so does she really expect him to just roll over and submit himself to this kind of torture?

Becky's on the hunt for her boys and finds them taking a bath... with their Uncle Danny.

EW!


EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW!
EW!
EW!
EW!
EW!

Okay, I think I've recovered. Seriously, the levels of inappropriate behavior Danny reaches in this episode put him in a category with Michael Jackson and R. Kelly. I mean, thankfully he has his swim trunks on, but is it normal for parents/guardians to join their children in the bath? I mean, the twins aren't exactly infants at this point, they're definitely toddlers. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Becky's mad because she wanted to give them their bath and Danny says it's no problem and Becky finally blurts out, "No Danny. It IS a problem." She tells him that she wants him to back off (in a somewhat nicer way) and all is resolved with a hug a smile and some touching instrumentals.

Jesse and Joey go to cater to UgSnot. Even though she doesn't get to be Yankee Doodle, they've created a special role for her (Why? Aren't there enough parts to go around without having to give her special treatment YET AGAIN?!?!) Anywhore, they've cast Ug as Lady Liberty, it entails her saying like 2 lines introducing Yankee Doodle, thankfully NOT singing and predominantly standing there looking fug. Whatever Olsen is bratting their way through this scene totally flubs her lines. J&J pretty much tell her that not everyone can be lead singer in a band and emphasize the importance of the backup support, using the Rippers' bass player Lanny as an example.

It's time for the shit-tastic "America the Beautiful" which, for some reason, Steve ended up getting roped into going, and it's pretty much your typical painful to watch kids' play. Derek gets stagefright and is cowering in the wings until he gets a peptalk from the one and only Ug, and when he comes out and sings, he makes it all about Ug. Yes, that's right. Once again, Michelle weasels her way into the limelight. On that note, I'm going to run head first into a wall to erase the painful memory of this promising episode away.

"Oh girls, you like fresh baked cookies, don't you?" "We prefer store-bought." or Trouble in Twin Town (6.7)

We open on the set of WUSF where some ugly ass old twins are playing polka to hype up the upcoming Twin Expo which is being hosted by none other than Danny. Meanwhile, his lady love Vicki is traveling with the Chicago Bears to Green Bay. Wow, pretty obvious who got the short end of the career stick. Jesse stops by the set to meet up with Becky, who tells him that her annoying cousin Dick and wife Donna are coming into town. Jesse starts to whine, because apparently they're snooty douchebags.

Back at the house, Stephanie is lamenting her boy problems to DJ. Apparently there's this boy in her class named Jimmy who keeps giving her noogies and pulls her hair. Isn't Steph at an age where this behavior's a little passe. Like 5 year olds pull hair, I would think there would be serious reprimands for a 10 or 11 year old boy laying his hands on a girl. DJ theorizes that Jimmy's doing all of these shenanigans because he has a thing for Steph and suggests that she call him.

Dick, Donna and their daughters Debbie and Darla arrive. Dick is played by Mark Linn-Baker who portrayed Coosin (sic) Larry on "Perfect Strangers" "Standing Taaaaaall on the wings of my dream!" For some unexplainable reason, I used to love that show. Ah, remember the days before VH1's "The Surreal Life" exposed Bronson Pinchot as a nasty perv? Anywhore, Dick and Donna are totally snobby assfaces, and Dick is one of those assholes who says insulting things and then tags on a disclaimer that it's a "small joke" as if that somehow makes it okay. Reminds me of this total bitchface at work, who is a snooty rude insulting bitch who claims she was "just kidding, like oh my God can't you take a joke?" whenever you get pissed off at the nasty shit she says. Man, I hate that bitch. Anywhore, Dick and Donna are in town to parade their daughters around in the twin expo and

Steph reports back to DJ how her phone call to Jimmy went. DJ asks if he likes her and Steph says "Close. He hates my guts." He pretty much threatened a restraining order if she ever calls him again. Bwah. DJ tries giving Stephanie more tips on Wooing Boys 101. If you catch a guy staring at you and you smile and he fixes his hair, it either means that he's totally into you or... it means nothing at all. Wow, riveting stuff Deej, look out Dr. Laura!

Haw haw! They stuck Ug with the duty of entertaining the bratty twins. They ask if she has a laser disc player, ha! Oh the early 90s! I remember watching "Stargate" on Laserdisc. Never really got into that whole fad, I was strictly VHS until DVD's took over. Debbie and Darla have a back-up plan, they packed their videogames! Sega Gamegears to be exact! They're playing "Ballerinas of Death" which sounds like 10 kinds of awesome. Ug whines, "When can I have a turn?" and the twins excellently reply "When you buy one!" Zing. Twins 1, Ug 0.

Jesse, Becky, Dick and Donna return from Dinner where Jesse says he "ate so much lobster, [he's] sweatin' buttah!" Cousin Dick smartly replies, "Gee, I hope you didn't ruin your best t-shirt." Those Nebraskan Donaldson's are douches, but damn if they're not hilarious with their biting quips. Joey brings the twins in to their parents, and asks if it's okay that he made them ice cream sundaes. Donna asks Debbie and Darla, "What do you say?" and they reply that the sundaes "would have been better with hot fudge." I'm inclined to agree because without the fudge, it's not really a sundae, is it? Donna does appear to be the only member of the family who is somewhat gracious and polite. Dick and Donna then inform Becky that her ex Doyce just got married. Seriously? "DOYCE"??!! WTF kind of name is that?

Dick and Jesse are left alone and Jesse cuts right to the chase, that he knows Dick doesn't like him. Dick says au contraire mon fraire, he would like Jesse if he was an acquaintance, he would like him if he was his waiter or even his mechanic, but as a brother in law... they always imagined Becky would end up with "better." Better than the Stamos? Impossible! Jesse says that he's not Dick's acquaintance or waiter, and if he was his mechanic, he'd have brake trouble. And furthermore, Jesse is going to enter Nicky and Alex in the Twin Expo and kick the crap out of Debbie and Darla.

At the Twin Expo, Stephanie meets some hunky twins, Andrew and Thomas. She catches them checking her out and when she smiles, they begin fixing their hair! They pass the test! She saunters over to work her Stephanie Tanner charm. Cockblock alert! Apparently Andy and Tommy boy only like doing things with other twins. So Stephanie creates a twin sister for herself, Bethany, and uses DJ's accessories to pull off the switcheroo. Unfortunately, Stephanie is unable to keep track of what costume is her and what is Bethany and comes clean. The boys start to fight over her until she says there's enough Steph to go around. Slut!

Twin Expo shenanigans. There's some slutty blondes whom Steve really digs, Debbie and Darla read an abysmal poem, and Nicky and Alex come out dressed as Elvis impersonators. Yeah... Just as Danny's about to announce the winners, he takes a phone call from his precious Vicki. That's professional. Apparently she's not the only one in the Bears locker room that wears heels. This episode sucks so let's just cut to the chase, Nicky and Alex win the Twin Expo, Jesse gets to shove it in Dick's face (hee, that was a fun sentence).

The Coolest Birthday Present Everrrr!

Look what my sister sent me in the mail for my birthday!!!

SICK!!!

When I stop being a lazy bum and have my scanner hooked up, I'll treat you all to all of the early 90s cheesy fashion goodness (in paperdoll form)!

Hahaha, this is seriously one of the BEST Bday gifts everrrr! Thanks Big Gal Al!

Now to get my drank on!

"Huey, Dewey and Louie remind you of Steve." or House Meets the Mouse (6.23 and 6.24)

Okay okay okay, I know that I've been a total slagass about updates, but you can't get mad at me because TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! Woooo! I took the night off of work and promise to blog away. And since it's my birthday I can do whatever freaking recap I want, so without further adieu, one of the most requested recaps and two of my most favorite episodes, the Tanners' two part trip to Disney!

Jesse has a gig booked to perform a concert in the Magic Kingdom of Disneyland and plans to broadcast his radio show from there, and the whole family, plus Kimmy, is tagging along. Because, really? Are the Tanners capable of doing ANYthing on their own without the crutch of their extended family?

Once they get there, Danny's got an anal retentive itinerary worked out for the whole family which they promptly reject in favor of doing their own thang. DJ misses Steve like whoa almost immediately, and part of me wants to snark and make fun, but part of me recalls how utterly codependent I was for my high school boyfriend when we were separated for a week. In fact, funny story about my ex-boyfriend and Disney. He went to celebrate New Year's Eve in Disneyworld with his douchebag loser friend and his friend's family, and he was arrested for shoplifting trying to procure a souvenir for me. Quite the prince, eh? So, he had to spend a night in Disney jail (yes, there is such a thing) and was banned from most of the park. I remember his mother calling me and saying "Something happened in Florida, you need to call Jeff" (Yeah, I'm using his name, what of it? I'm sure he'll never read this) So I'm freaking out and finally get him on the phone and he's blubbering like a baby. He comes home, sans souvenir for me ("They took your present back" Yeah, because it was STOLEN) and bragging about it to his friends. We broke up like a month after that. Eh, that wasn't a great story, but I'm sure you've all missed my semi-random tangents.

So anyway, DJ is whining to her sisters and Kimmy about missing Steve and imagines that she sees him everywhere. The girls are lined up to rub Aladdin's lamp in hopes of becoming Princess for the Day, henceforth known as PftD. Stephanie is next up and UgSnot cuts in front of her and naturally, rubs the lamp and makes the Genie appear, granting her the title of PftD. I don't think I need to tell you that Princess Michelle is the biggest cunt to her sisters, and brats it up all over the Magic Kingdom. DJ, Kimmy and Steph tire of Ug's bossiness and are talking smack about her and possibly plotting her demise. Ug overhears and in true shitkicker form, runs away to teach them a lesson.

Meanwhile, the patriarch of the fam is stressing out because he's trying to propose to his curly haired vixen Vicki, but all of his attempts are derailed by ridiculous interruption after interruption.

Becky and the twins feel neglected by Jesse who's busy with band rehearsals and his radio show. I don't know why Becky's pissing and moaning about it so much because what did she expect? This wasn't a vacation for pleasure, it was a business trip.

Joey goes to meet up with one of his friends who's a Disney animator and when left to his own devices, doodles a cartoon Joey who comes to life and chit chats with real life Joey. Whoa, where'd you score the peyote in the Magic Kingdom, Gladstone?

Danny is having dinner with Vicki in a restaurant that is apparently underwater, and as he's about to get all romantical, Jesse and Joey come a tap tap tapping on the window. They're conducting their radio show from an underwater bubble station. At the conclusion of the show, Jesse's about to surface to meet Becky for a romantic picnic, until Joey points out that there's a shark in the tank with them. If memory serves, it's just a Nurse Shark, who is a common resident in most aquarium tanks and is of no threat to people (although most sharks don't pose a threat to people unless provoked or the person places themselves in a most idiotic position (I watch a lot of Shark Week)).

Becky is waiting for Jesse with the picnic, and Chip and Dale (Rescue Rangers! (Man, their names are a helluva lot funnier now that I'm older and know what Chippendale's is)). She ends up offering up the contents of the basket to the chipmunks and stomps off.

Michelle's having a tea party with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, kicking it while her entire family is freaking out going insane looking for her. But, seriously? What are they so worked up over? Just count your blessings and hightail it the fuck out of there before that little troll comes crawling back. Danny and Vicki find her, that whore Snow White ratted her out! Danny at least sort of puts Ug in her place, telling her to stop bratting it up and they take her back with them, much to the delight of all Seven Dwarves.

Jesse finally arrives late to the picnic and finds Chip and Dale have devoured his lunch. He rushes back to the hotel and finds Becky who looks miffed. He serenades her to apologize and naturally, she melts like buttah.

Danny brings the girls to take in the awesome Indiana Jones attraction, where they mercilessly tease him about proposing to Vicki. Of course, DJ imagines that Indiana Jones is Steve, and when he gets "run down" by the giant rolling boulder, she jumps out of her seat and cries out and looks like a major tool. I'm embarrassed for her. Apparently Michelle hasn't learned anything and is still twatting it up all over Disney, so Stephanie feigns fatigue and asks to go back to the hotel. I think Ug's face is supposed to convey her guilt, but she just looks constipated.

Back at the hotel, DJ laments that she's once again imagining Steve, this time at the check out desk. But, this time it's not just DJ being crazy. Kimmy verifies that it really is the one and only human garbage disposal, Steve! In one of the most awesome FH moments ever, as DJ and Steve run towards one another in romantical slow-motion, Steve gets tripped up on his duffel bag and totally bites it!

Joey tries to confront Stephanie to get to the root of what's bothering her. Stephanie finally blurts out "I'm sick of her always getting her own way!" You and me both, Steph. Joey then waxes philosophical and dances around the real issue at hand, that Ug is a monstrous brat and says that Stephanie is really angry because she cheated herself out of having fun because she was mad at Michelle. Um, what about the fact that Michelle cut Stephanie in line. Yeah, Stephanie could have still tried to make the most of it, but let's not excuse Ug's continuous shithead behavior! Joey asks how Stephanie felt when she thought Michelle was missing. Ecstatic? Yes, but Steph lies and tells Joey she was "scared." Suuuure.

It's time for Michelle's final wish as PftD. She wishes to make Stephanie happy and let her be princess for the rest of the day. She says "I thought how you should have been princess anyway." Funny how you wait until the end of the fucking day to show this gesture of goodwill. Snow White says that because Michelle was so "unselfish" she, along with the entire Tanner clan, gets to ride in the parade. Are you fucking shitting me? She only was PftD because she cut her sister in line, acted like an entitled bossy brat the entire fucking day, and then at the last minute relinquishes her title to her sister and they qualify that as unselfish? Snotty piece of shit. God I hate Michelle!

So the entire family rides in the parade, la dee dah, and the culmination of the trip is Jesse and the Rippers performing at Cinderella's castle. Snow White fills in as Joey's co-DJ for the radio show. Jesse wishes Becky a happy anniversary, and oh, I guess that's why she wanted to spend so much time together. Way to try and mix business and pleasure there, Jess. Jesse then launches into a sexified version of "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." Danny finally proposes to Vicki in fireworks form and naturally she accepts, but *SPOILER* they never actually make it down the aisle.

Sorry I've been MIA for so long, but Happy Birthday to me, and Happy Belated Birthday to John Stamos, who turned 45 on Tuesday!

The Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget...

Was awesome! I hope that you all got a chance to check it out!

I suck.

Will blog soon.

Promise.