Friday, June 13, 2008

"Dad. Do something. She's got luggage!" "God help us all." or Matchmaker Michelle (5.2)

Teddy's come over to play house with UgSnot and declares himself to be the dad. Ug tries to be the Joey and Teddy tells her that she's supposed to be the mom. Michelle doesn't know how to be a mom because she doesn't have one. This is probably the point where I'm supposed to feel bad for her and say "Awww" but I just can't.

Danny's cleaning while Stephanie's doing her homework. She asks him what the capital of El Salvador is, and he replies that if he told her, that would defeat the purpose of it being her homework and she wouldn't learn anything. Stephanie's no fool and totally calls Danny on his bullshit and busts him for not knowing what it is. (If anyone was wondering, it's San Salvador).

DJ & Kimmy come in discussing their latest assignment at school. They're supposed to switch places with another person and see what it's like to spend a weekend living life in their shoes. Stephanie is horrified about the prospect of having Kimmy as her big sister for the weekend.

Jesse comes in and is all bummed because the Rippers were turned down from a record deal for being too soft. Wait, what? Didn't they just sign a deal and didn't he just get back from touring with the band as part of that deal? What the hell happened to that? Jesse can't believe that they said his image was too soft and can't imagine where they got such an idea. Then he promptly bends down and begins cooing at Becky's pregnant belly and it becomes pretty apparent where this soft image stems from.

Becky suggests that the ad wizards Jesse and Joey team up to formulate a tough, badass image for Jesse and the Rippers. Joey spews off some nonsense and Jesse says "You're an idiot... but I'm desperate." I'm sure those words are all too familiar to Joey Gladstone. Especially on a Saturday night around 2:30 AM when the bar's closing down and some poor girl who may be a little homely with buck teeth and a lazy eye whose been pounding amaretto sours all night doesn't want to spend yet another night alone... but, I digress from this speculation into the private life of Joey.

Ug is still boggled by the concept of a mother and asks Becky how to go about finding a mother. Becky explains that Danny would find a wife to be Michelle's mother via dating and whatnots, and Michelle seems satisfied with her answer. In Stephanie and DJ's room, Kimmy tries to order Steph to get her a glass of juice. Being her intellectual superior, Steph manages to trick Kimmy into getting her own beverage by proposing it like a competition and timing how long it takes her to go to the kitchen and back. Kimmy darts out of the room and Stephanie is left to bask in the glow of her awesomeness.

Down in Joey's room, they've put a Nelson-esque wig on Jesse's head and (obviously) he looks utterly ridiculous. He says that he wants to be tough like the guys of Poison, Ratt and Whitesnake and what? When I think of "tough" bands, those are definitely not the first ones to pop in my head. I mean, Bret Michaels wore full-on women's makeup back in Poison's heyday. Eyeliner and lip gloss are SO badass! Joey comes up with the epithet of "Vulture" for Jesse complete with bizarre sound effects that's supposed to sound like a vulture... I guess?

Ug's at school and her teacher, Mrs. Wiltrout, is encouraging all of the children to clean up after themselves because "a clean room is a happy room." Michelle marvels at this because that's one of Danny's favorite sayings. I'm pretty sure he has that embroidered on a sampler hanging over his bed. Not realizing that her Mrs. W's kind of an old bag, Ug thinks that she's found a love connection for Danny. When Danny comes to pick Michelle up from school, she invites her teacher over for lunch and thinking that it's completely innocent (most likely due to the massive age disparity), both Danny and Mrs. Wiltrout are totally cool with it.

DJ pops into her room and Stephanie is overjoyed to see her and flings herself around her big sister. DJ, not wanting to break character, responds in true Gibbler fashion and says that she's merely there to retrieve her roller skates because tonight's the Roller Derby Grudge Match at the Gibbler's. It's DJ and Mr. Gibbler versus Mrs. Gibbler and Kimmy's brother. That is SO badass! Kimmy warns DJ that her mom carries an egg beater in her pants. Fuck Joey! Jesse should be taking notes from Mrs. Gibbler on how to be a rough and tough rocker.

Unfortunately, Jesse didn't listen to me and we're now at the Smash Club awaiting the debut of Vulture. Joey's sporting that ridiculous Nelson wig and talking like a stoner rocker and why won't someone just kick the crap out of him? As they're lowering Jesse, I mean Vulture to the stage, he gets stuck in the harness and the show is a complete and utter disaster. That's what you get for listening to Joey, I guess. Following the show, Joey has another suggestion for an alter ego: Gopher. The suggestion is accompanied by a mediocre impersonation of Bill Murray in "Caddyshack." Jesse ultimately decides to go back to regular old Jesse and the Rippers.

It's the next day and Mrs. Wiltrout (did Michelle even notice that her teacher's name is MRS. Wiltrout, thus implying she's married? Or is Ug too young (*cough*DUMB*cough*) to know what Mrs. means? Michelle says she's going to let them be alone and it finally dawns on Danny that this was a set-up. Mrs. W tells him that Michelle's doing well in school and he didn't need to suck up. Ug slinks back into the kitchen and asks "Are you in looooooove yet?" She is denied!

Ug runs off and Danny follows and when she says she was trying to find a new mommy, he tells her how families come in all different shapes and sizes. He goes on that blah blah what makes a family is the love they share and they're family is unique- Danny asks if any of her friends have a Joey ("No! And thank God for that" -Everyone). She asks if she'll ever get a new mommy and Danny says that maybe someday. Having seen the entire series repeatedly, I laugh gleefully that Michelle will never get a new mommy because her fug drives all potential candidates away.


athenasmom said...

Michelle, there's a reason other families don't have a Joey.

I always had a hard time accepting the Michelle has a friend plot premise.

Vani B. said...

I have a Joe in my family. He's my stepdad. And he's funny. But he's sarcastic, cuss-'cause-I'm-from-Queens-where-that-shit's-cool, insult-comic funny... and he's not even in the comedy business. His cooking is bomb, too.