"You are the mother of all idiots!" or Where, oh where, has my little girl gone? (5.4)

Danny is hard at work in the kitchen cleaning his cleaning products. I'll give you a moment to fully comprehend the extent of his anal retentiveness. Kimmy and DJ come in from school and DJ tells Kimmy that she received a sympathy card from the infamous Cathy Santoni wishing her well in her time of a mega-crisis. When Danny asks how her day was, DJ avoids the question and says it was fine. Danny is perturbed because he knows DJ is hiding something from him.

Up in DJ's room, Kimmy reveals why she received the card. Apparently some fellow named Todd Mitchell told everyone that DJ is the worst kisser in school. DJ is irate because she never even kissed Todd Mitchell. He made the moves on her, and our pious Donna Jo deflected his advances.

Across the hall Stephanie and fug are setting up their new bedroom. Stephanie urges Ug to keep all of her babyish items hidden from public view, especially her Barney the Bear plush wall hanging. Danny comes in and Michelle gets him to hang up Barney right above her bed where "no one can miss him!" much to the chagrin of Stephanie. Danny moves into DJ's room and begins snooping around to try and find what's going on, and happens upon her card from Cathy Santoni. Worried by the phrase "mega crisis" Danny embarks on a mission to get to the bottom of this teenage melodrama.

Down in the studio, formerly known as Joey's bedroom, formerly known as the garage, Jesse installs a red light for when he's working and recording and isn't to be disturbed by the rest of the family. Jesse and Joey are down there reminiscing on their advertising career. They are leaving it behind for Jesse to put more of a focus on his music career and for Joey to focus on his comedy. They sentimentally call it the end of an era... and then Jesse promptly kicks Joey out. There's only one problem... Jesse's handiwork in constructing the studio resulted in a stuck door. Joey asks if Jesse was solely responsible for soundproofing the studio, and when the hair man says he did, Joey begins calling for help since Jesse probably effed that up too.

Up in the kitchen, Becky and Danny faintly hear their cries of "Help!" and Danny theorizes that they are doing a cover of the Beatles song of the same name. That's a pretty cheesetastic throwaway joke right there. On a quasi-related note, did you know that the Beatles' "Yesterday" is the most covered song of all time? Fun fact! Anyway, Danny confides in Becky that he knows something's up with DJ but that she won't tell him and it's driving him nuts. Becky asks how he knows something is wrong if she won't say anything, and Danny confesses that he found the card while putting her laundry away. Becky busts him because it's totally not laundry day, and Danny admits that he was snooping. Becky tells him that he can't go to DJ with his knowledge because he acquired the card through sheisty means.

Just then DJ and Kimmy come in and Danny again tries to desperately get DJ to reveal what's going on in her life. She again tries to play it off and turns to Kimmy and asks, "Do I have a problem?" Kimmy retorts, "Well, you're Dad's kind of nosey." Bwah! Touche, Gibbler, well played. In a last ditch effort, Danny asks DJ to go bowling with him as a sort of father-daughter bonding time. For some ridiculous reason, DJ isn't totally stoked to go bowling and I am shocked! Bowling rocks!

Up in the girls' room, Stephanie invites Ug to join the Big Girl's Club. Steph says that in order to join, Michelle needs to remove all of her "baby stuff" from the room, and entices the Ug one with promise of a special Big Girl song ("Iiiiii'm a big girl, yooouu're a big girl, yadda yadda yadda yadda ya!"). Michelle tries to argue that Stephanie has Mr. Bear, and Steph explains the sophistication of a bear in a trenchcoat wearing a fedora. I'm sold, but that's because I hate Ug so very very much. Eventually Stephanie concedes to let Michelle keep Barney rather than part with Mr. Bear.

Down in the studio, the guys are still trapped and yelling for help, when finally Joey realizes that Jesse's red light is on. He turns it off and almost immediately, Becky comes down with sandwiches exclaiming that she's so impressed that Jesse is working so hard and she "thought that red light would never turn off!" Jesse feels like a major donkey, as well he should since he was just outsmarted by Joey!

At the bowling alley, Danny's trying to force a good time, but DJ totally sucks. Danny acts oblivious and suggests that maybe they can join a father-daughter league. While Danny's bowling, Kimmy runs up and tells DJ that now is her big chance. Todd Mitchell is at the mall, spreading more rumors about DJ's shitty kissing and if they leave now, they can bust his lying ass! DJ asks Danny if it's alright for her leave, and he grudgingly agrees and is left all emo and forlorn, next to another father-daughter pairing which represents what he wanted. The girl is all into bowling and suggests to her father that they join a league. Danny's sad jealousy is palpable.

Back at the Tanner household, DJ comes in and Danny can't take it any longer, he has to know what's going on. He confronts DJ about the card he found and can't believe that she would hide a mega-crisis from him. DJ is livid about Danny's invasion of privacy and disrepect for her. He explains that he was concerned about her and the fact that she wouldn't talk to him, and she finally explains the situation to him. He's relieved that it wasn't anything more serious, and she tells him that her and Kimmy cornered that tool Todd Mitchell in the food court and threatened him with condiments until he admitted that he made the whole thing up. Danny promises to not snoop around DJ's room again, and DJ promises to be more forthcoming with everything that's going on in her life. They hug it out and all's well once again in the kingdom of Tanner.