Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"I'm sorry honey, you look very se...xy." or Double Trouble (5.1)

Finally, we're moving onto Season 5. And UgTot is now being graduated to UgSnot (TM Ashley). It's the night before UgSnot's first day of kindergarten and she's too excited to sleep. Joey begins to play the harmonica for her and she runs away. I hate to be in agreement with the Ug, but, word.

Jesse is back home from his tour with the Rippers and Becky's huge and pregnant. Convenient how they filled in the whole process during the hiatus between seasons. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for that, because who wants to endure the annoying process of pregnancy on their TV. I don't need them to drag out Becky's expansion, morning sickness, et al.

It's also DJ's first day of high school and considering the time period, she look pretty cute. Kimmy is wearing a frumpy frock over her sluttacious (TM Mo'postrophe'Nique) dress.

Jess directs Becky down the stairs as if he's guiding a Mack truck into a parking spot. If only Becky beeped when she backed up. Bwah! They start bickering and make sure to argue using perky, upbeat voices and so that they don't allow the baby to hear or absorb any of their anger.

Stephanie is pumped because her teacher this year is rumored to be a total hottie. Michelle's nervous because she sucks and Joey tries to give her some tips for making new friends. It's pretty clear that Joey wasn't too popular in his youth because his suggestion for Michelle is to put her hands to her head simulating antlers and talk to people in the Bullwinkle voice. This is a doubly stupid idea as Michelle can't even properly imitate Bullwinkle's voice so she just comes off as mildly (?) retarded.

Joey and Danny accompany Michelle to kindergarten and see her off into the classroom. She goes up to several of the children and attempts the Bullwinkle greeting. To the surprise of no one, it fails to wow any of the other children. In fact, it even prompts Teddy to call her weird. Word, Teddy. UgSnot's all forlorn and ditches out of the classroom to find Stephanie. And like, way to supervise your class, kindergarten teacher. Not even noticing that one of your kids slipped out the door. Michelle's lost in the shuffle in the hallways of the elementary school and the bell rings and she's left wandering alone. HAHAHAHA!

Jesse and Becky are at the doctor's office and are stunned when it's revealed that Becky's having twins. They don't even process the information at first and do a double take of sorts. They are completely floored. I'm filled with dread because I know this is one step closer to the addition of the abominations known as Nicky and Alex to the Tanner clan.

UgSnot finally manages to find Stephanie's classroom and promptly embarrasses her by calling her teacher a babe. Stephanie asks her teacher to be excused so that she can return her sister to kindergarten. She brings her back to her classroom and the teacher's all "Oh there you are Michelle, we missed you!" Clearly. That's why you worked so hard to find the missing child in your class, right bitch? Suspend her teaching license! Granted, if I were a teacher and Michelle was in my class, I would also look the other way if she happened to go missing. Stephanie shows the class the wonder of a properly executed Bullwinkle greeting. She manages to somehow integrate her trollish sister into the class. Stephanie's too awesome for words, Michelle is not worthy.

Back at the house, Jesse tells the guys the big news and Danny and Joey congratulate him on the twins. Jesse's a little concerned about the prospect of double duty and it's time for another awesome daydream sequence. This one involving the evil twins of Danny and Joey. Danny's evil twin is the messy scumbag, Manny Tanner. Joey's evil twin has a slicked back tuft of a ponytail and wow, I didn't think Joey could be any more fug, but there we go. Just then, Comet darts through the kitchen followed by another Golden Retriever. Jesse takes this as his cue to take a nap.

Later, Jesse confides to Michelle (seriously, why the hell does this grownass man always discuss his issue with a child!?! And not just any child, but the moronic UgSnot?!) that he's feeling apprehensive about the babies. Michelle tells Stephanie that Jesse's apprehensive and the information is passed up the hierarchy of the family like an unfunny game of telephone. Steph tells DJ who calls for Joey, Danny and Becky to assist in helping Jesse get over his apprehension. They assure him that he's going to be a great father, and that they'll be there for him to help out and support in any way they can, and just like that, Jesse is ready to tackle fatherhood.

4 comments:

michelle said...

Ok, this is going to be kind of long. First of all, great snark. Oh, and "ugsnot" is the greatest thing I have heard allll day.

Second of all, it depresses me to think that Nicky and Alex are coming. I (almost) hate them more than Ug. Especially that episode where they are calling Jesse "mean daddy".

Finally, have you seen Jodie Sweeten (sp?) on the front cover of People Magazine? The article talks about her overcoming her addiction to meth and also has pictures of her new baby (who is adorable).

athenasmom said...

"seriously, why the hell does this grownass man always discuss his issue with a child!?! And not just any child, but the moronic UgSnot?!"

I'm thinking pedophilia.

Also, Ug doing Bullwinkle induces the biggest cringe ever. It's like I'm almost embarrassed for her.

tehlobster said...

"Steph tells DJ who calls for Joey, Danny and Becky to assist in helping Jesse get over his apprehension. They assure him that... they'll be there for him to help out and support in any way they can"

Becky damn well better helm him out, she's the one who's popping out those hideous hellions. (Not that they knew yet how awful the twins would be, though with UgSnot around, you'd think everyone would swear off reproducing just in case.)


Hey, late comment! But I love your blog. :D

Anonymous said...

I guess a normal reaction to the announcement of a twin birth would be which twin is the good one and which twin is the bad one? No one cares if they're going to have fraternal or identical twins, or if they are boys, girls, or boy and girl!