This episode is dually awesome and atrocious. First of all, it sucks because it's pretty Michelle-centric. On the other hand, it also involves Michelle having her heart broken and being generally humiliated, so it's a fair trade.
The girls, plus Steve and Kimmy are in the kitchen making cookies. Kimmy has apparently taken up anatomy class at school and is toting her textbook around for gross-out purposes only. She shows Michelle a picture of an actual human heart and Michelle replies with "Ewwww!" and I laugh at how early on in the episode that Michelle's misery begins! Steve made an "M" cookie covered in sprinkles and presents it to Michelle, prompting jokes from him and D.J. about it being true love. You can tell by the vacant idiot gaze on Michelle's face that she's not in on the joke. Oh, this is going to be so good.
Stephanie is up in the attic, aka Jesse and Rebecca and the twins' "apartment," and is trying to teach Jesse how to use a laptop. Jesse is completely computer illiterate, and I guess it's supposed to be funny, but it's a really boring attempt at humor.
Joey and Danny are going through old junk and it comes out that Joey dated one of Danny's exes. Danny is understandably pissed (Bro's before Ho's, y'all) but before they can really get into it, who should interrupt but that UgSnot Michelle. Ug asks Danny what you do when you love someone and after some bitter barbs thrown Joey's way, he tells her that when you really love someone, you marry them.
UgSnot's a woman on a mission, she seeks out Steve and proposes to him. D.J. and Steve play along and D.J. even forges a ring for Michelle. Ug is soooooo fucking happy and so am I... because I know how this is going to turn out and I love seeing Michelle in pain!!!
Because they're completely nuts and can't stop living in the past, Joey calls this ex-girlfriend of both Danny and Joey to get the real story about who she loved more or whatever, and it turns out that she dated both of them to make some other guy jealous. Who was this masked man you ask? None other than the San Fran Don Juan, Jesse Katsopolis!, natch. Just then, Jesse comes down the stairs freaking out because his shitty kids, Nicky and Alex, managed to erase his entire report off of his computer. Luckily the Miracle Worker (no! Not Anne "Annie" Sullivan (what what? Massachusetts repreSENT!), Stephanie Tanner!) is on hand to retrieve the lost file.
Denise pokes her head into the kitchen to tell the family to haul ass into the living room as it's time for Michelle's wedding. Denise plays the wedding march on her kazoo and to the surprise of no one, our blushing bride looks completely fug. Comet is carrying her train behind her. Denise instructs Michelle and Steve to hold hands and Ug holds out her hand, looks at Steve and says, "It's okay, I washed." Ewww, like do you not do that regularly? Are you a nosepicker? God I hate her.
They are "married" and then Steve starts to leave to get back home because it's meatloaf night. Mmm meatloaf. UgSnot didn't grasp the whole "pretend" aspect of her wedding and tells Steve that he can't leave because they're married now. The family tries to gently let her down with reasoning. Danny says that if she's married, she can no longer share a room with Stephanie. Stephanie gets caught up in the excitement of a life less fugly and jumps at the prospect of her own room, missing the point of trying to clue Michelle in to her wedding being a sham.
Joey throws his two cents in that when you get married, you move away from your family. Good argument except oh yeah, Uncle Jesse still lives in the attic with his wife and two kids. Might be a good time to hint that they find their own ace-play. I mean, are they going to live in an attic with two teenage boys? That's ridiculous!
And oh jesus, here comes some horribly Olsen dramatic acting. With zero emotion or inflection, UgSnot says robotically, "I don't believe it." Then she hurls her bouquet down and again says sans emotion, "That was mean. Really mean." Cue dramatic music as she runs up to her room and cue my uproarious laughter at her expense. Stupid troll.
The rest of the episode's pretty weak since everyone apologizes and kisses Michelle's ass. Steve and D.J. offer to make it up to her and with her trademarked UgSnot-shit-eating grin she requests pizza. Steve says it will be on him, and as the girls file out of the room, he turns to Danny and asks the T to spot him the money to feed his piggish daughters. I'd point out the massive amounts of money Steve saves by consuming every single edible item in the Tanner household, but in his defense, I wouldn't want to spend any of my money on Michelle either.
I hope everyone had a fabulous Valentine's weekend! I've been working non-stop, but I get to see my Valentine Sunday, so yay! In closing, I leave you with the romantic words of John on CMT's "My Big Redneck Wedding": "I wish I could put your love in a locket, because you're hotter than a Hot Pocket!" (His mother's reply to these touching vows? "Oo, I love Hot Pockets!")
Who said romance is dead? Hope you enjoyed all the Valentine's recaps!