"I just got this manly feeling and frankly, I liked it!" or The Greatest Birthday on Earth (3.10)

Unloading groceries in the kitchen, they make mention of Captain Hook Peanut Butter and I can't help but assume this is a rip-off of Peter Pan Peanut Butter, and they just didn't want to do a product placement. One of the girls comments on having to break down and try the peanut butter and I'm baffled. It's just peanut butter for fucks sake, it's not like it's herring snacks. I used to eat spoonfuls of peanut butter from the jar, so I may be biased.

Hanging off of the counter in the kitchen is a countdown to Michelle's 3rd birthday, which they'll be celebrating with a circus party. Jesse, who happens to be harboring a hatred/fear of clowns, asks Michelle if perhaps she'd prefer an Elvis-themed party. UgTot says "No thank you, big Daddy."

Stephanie recites a poem she wrote for school about potty-training Comet and it's awesome. I wish I wasn't so lazy and transcribed said poem here, but trust, it was amazing.

The family's discussing the circus party, apparently D.J. will be acting as the lion tamer with Comet acting as said ferocious beast and Stephanie's going to be a juggler.

Suddenly, before you can say "UgTot" it's Michelle's birthday. Jesse blows up 100 balloons and I think he probably should have invested in a helium tank. There's a horrifying clown cake that our least favorite brat claws into. Danny comes in and tells Jesse that his car's making some old man noises and Jesse volunteers to take a look at it and bring it to the mechanic. Joey meanwhile, demonstrates the maturity of a 3 year old as he begins digging into the cake with his hands. He feigns ignorance and says that he thought that's how the cake was supposed to be enjoyed. Moron.

Jesse is at the garage with Michelle and Stephanie. The mechanic tells Jesse that he should get his money back from whoever fiddled with his idle because it led to greater problems for the car. Naturally, it was Jesse who tampered with Danny's idle, so way to go Jess-man. The mechanic, Elmer, fixed it up and makes a horrible pun about going to "See Esther/Siesta" and I'm not even going to re-tell it here, because you'll all lose brain cells, and I'd die a little inside. Jesse takes the girls to use the bathroom and when they get out, it turns out that Elmer didn't realize they were in the bathroom (you would think that the fact that their car was still there and they were nowhere in sight would be a good indicator of this, but such is FH) and locks the garage.

Jesse, Stephanie and Michelle emerge from their respective restrooms (Men's, women's and Trolls') and are horrified when they realize they're trapped in the garage. Cue UgTot's pouty big watery eyed sad face as she laments, "No happy birthday to me." I laugh and tell her to shut her porky mouth.

Meanwhile, back at the Tanner household, the party is in full swing. D.J. sings "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and some awesome kid picks up a bowl of popcorn and dumps it over his head. This child it my hero. Danny and Joey enter as clowns, Clean-o and JoJo. A young attractive woman enters through the back door and reveals herself as Karen Roberts, the aunt of one of the little boys, and it's Karen the dance teacher Danny dates and also the actress who played Becky's sister Connie. This chick must have been friends with someone in the cast or crew to be recycled in two distinct roles.

Danny has received a huge surge of confidence from his clown suit and is a smooth operator, putting the moves on Karen. At the garage, Jesse and the girls are still trapped inside waiting on Elmer, whom Jesse refers to as "Goober." Michelle's still being all emo, so Jesse and Stephanie plan to throw her a garage circus to salvage her birthday.

Back at the house, Danny is still flirting up a storm with Karen. Him and Joey then engage in a clown battle that includes Danny dumping popcorn and fruit punch down Joey's pants. Joey cries out that there's a party in his pants, and I instantly think of Steve Carrell in "Anchorman."

Brick: "I would like to extend to you an invitatian to the pants party."
Veronica: "Excuse me?"
Brick: "The party. The pants-- with the pants. Party with pants?"
Veronica: "Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and I'm invited?"
Brick: "That's it."

The doorbell rings and it's an elephant at the door. Apparently this was Joey's surprise for the party. The elephant reaches it's trunk into no (wo)man's land, A.K.A. down Joey's pants, and snags his underwear.

At the garage the Circus of Love (or Grease, whichever) is going on. Jesse and Stephanie decorate themselves with grease as clown make-up and Stephanie, A.K.A. Stephabelle the clown, and Jesse put on a bitching fourth-rate circus that includes tightrope walking across a ladder, a puppet show and Stephanie manages to successfully juggle. They present UgTot with a birthday cake comprised of Twinkies sitting atop an air filter box and finally, Elmer returns. He utilizes the classic "h-e-double hockey sticks" when he asks what the hell is going on?

Sprung from the garage, Jesse returns the girls home but the party is already over. Danny is miffed that he wasted what was most likely a shit ton of money putting on a circus for the neighborhood kids, but he softens when he realizes that Jesse overcame his hatred for clowns in order to put on a circus for Michelle. They did manage to maintain one element of the circus for Michelle, as they lead her to the backyard where the elephant is still kicking it. And I hate Michelle a little more for how spoiled she is.

Man, aside from a few funny lines, this episode really bit the big one. I probably could have skipped over it, and no one would have missed it. If I'm feeling adventurous, I might write up a second blog for the day to compensate for this sack o' crap.