"Whoa, whoa whoa. Your beef's with me, not the King!" or Misadventures in Babysitting (3.14)

D.J.'s on the phone with (who else?) Kimmy Gibbler discussing that two of their classmates kissed for a whopping 12 seconds and hijinks and hilarity ensued when their braces stuck together. Man, that would be such a nightmare. Thankfully for me, when I was in my braces stages, I also had glasses and was a bit of a fatass. In short, I was fug and nobody would be making out with me for a few more years (Thank you contact/braces removal/growth spurt/weight loss). Now I'm a bona fide make-out bandit.

Um, anywho, while D.J.'s having her epic conversation, Stephanie, Danny and Joey are all waiting for the phone.

Jesse and Becky are planning a picnic to celebrate the 1 year anniversary from the day they met. Lots of shmoopiness ensues, "Oh, every day's a picnic with you." I have to point out Jesse's fashion violation. He's wearing a white mock turtleneck, and let's be honest here. NO straight man can pull off a mock turtleneck. And to top it off, he's accessorized with a peace symbol medallion necklace.

Kimmy enters through the front door still talking on the phone to D.J. They are talking to each other on the phone while standing in the same room. Finally, Danny puts an end to this madness. D.J. agrees to pick up Kimmy's baby-sitting job for that night in order to earn some money to pay for her own private phone line.

Jesse and Joey's poker game is being moved to the Tanner's and Danny wants in to play. Sounds like a reasonable enough request considering those mooches live in his house. Was it ever established if they pay any sort of rent or any of the utilities. They fucking should. Stephanie gets stuck with the arduous task of putting UgTot to bed. Poor Stephanie. She attempts to do so by suggesting they play Sleeping Beauty. More like Sleeping UGLY! Zing!

Danny's all decked out in his slovenly poker attire, picked straight from the dirty hamper. Nice. The other poker players are pretty nasty, smoking up a storm and sticking their dirty smokey fingers into the dip. I find this pretty unbelievable because even all of the smokers I know won't smoke inside their own house, let alone a complete stranger's who doesn't smoke. That's some fucked up lack of etiquette there. Jesse's trip to Nebraska comes up and all of the guys jeer and browbeat Jesse into calling Jesse and telling Becky that there's no way he's going to Nebraska. He does so on her answering machine, and a triumphant man cheer erupts from the poker table.

D.J. is baby-sitting Brian, the uberbrat from Stephanie's class. He starts screaming and wants to play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I want to hit him. Very hard. On the backside. And the frontside. He threatens to drop D.J.'s purse in the fish tank but recoils in fear as soon as Kimmy Gibbler comes to pay D.J. a visit. Kimmy threatens him with a kiss and he runs away only to return with a nerf gun and gets his head stuck in the railing for his troubles. In the immortal words of Nelson, "Haw Haw." D.J. and Kimmy attempt to free him by copiously buttering his bratty head. It doesn't work so they glop more butter on for the fun of it. Totally something I would do, but I also happen to have an extremely low tolerance for children (particulaly those of the bratty persuasion).

Back at the Tanner's the poker game is in full filthy swing. The human chimney runs out of cigarettes and Danny is relieved. That relief is temporary however as Smokey the Bear pulls out some cigars. Michelle the brat won't go to bed and comes downstairs and for some reason, the normally anal retentive Danny doesn't say shit about the fact that his young children are in a room clouded with smoke. WTF? I mean, even most easygoing people wouldn't be down with that. He gets a phone call from D.J. who needs his help with Brian and leaves.

Becky comes in all in a furious tizzy over Jesse's message on the machine and to settle the dispute over where to spend Christmas, they play a poker hand for it. If Becky wins, Nebraska. If Jesse wins, Graceland. Before they can reveal their hands, Jesse proposes a compromise: Nebraska for Christmas and Graceland for New Year's. Out of curiousity they then reveal the cards they had. Jesse had only a 3 high and Becky had a 2. Heh. We all know Jesse only suggested that because he thought he was going to lose.

At Brian's, Danny is sawing Bri's head out of the railing. He pauses mid-saw to tell D.J. how proud he is of her for being responsible enough to call for help. He gets Brian out just as his hippy parents are arriving home. They aren't really phased by the large amount of butter on their son's head and when Brian tells them that D.J. is his favorite sitter, they offer her a job for next week. D.J.'s about to decline until they offer to double the rates. Sold!

Danny grants D.J. her own phone line with the stipulation that she can only keep it so long as she can pay for it. The maiden phone call is already coming in, who can it be? It's... Walter. Apparently Stephanie gave the number out to her friends in case of emergencies. She sprawls on her bed to engage in a lengthy conversation as D.J. stews over being back to square one even with her own personal line.