"You just hate my spunk!" or Star Search (3.6)

Danny calls the family into the living room to watch an old videotape of his college talk show. It features Danny rocking an awesome 1970s style porn-stache and a fat Joey doing the same hackneyed comedy routine we've come to know and loathe. On the tape we see that Joey gave himself a 10 year deadline to make it in the comedy business. The deadline nearing, Joey pledges to focus on comedy, doing his shtick 24/7 much to the chagrin of the rest of the family.

A few days have passed and Joey's "comedy" is going strong. The entire Tanner clan is sick of it and flees from the room whenever Joey enters. I don't understand what took them this long. Michelle interrupts to announce that she wants to wear her tutu to bed. Thanks for that pointless segue, UgTot. Joey doesn't miss a beat and asks Michelle, the left behind Tanner, if she'd like to hear his Bob Hope impersonation. UgTot runs away screaming "Noooooooooooo!" and for the first time, I'm with you, Michelle.

Joey's all but given up hope and Danny reveals to the rest of the family that he submitted a tape of Joey's comedy act to "Star Search." He wants to keep it secret in case it doesn't work out and everyone looks to blabbermouth Stephanie to keep this news under wraps.

Kimmy Gibbler arrives toting a letter from "Star Search" that was accidentally delivered to the Gibbler household. Danny opens it and rejoices that Joey's going to be on "Star Search." Kimmy asks if he's going to be a Spokesmodel? I laugh at the ridiculousness of this notion. Joey comes home, dejected and with his mind made up that his future in comedy is kaput. His attitude takes a full 180 when Danny tells him that he's going to be on SS. Can I just say that when I was a stupid little kid in elementary school, I remember watching SS in my parents' room on their dinky TV. So lame. Totally fixed. And I never found any of the comedians funny.

Backstage at SS, Joey nervously observes that the past 10 years of his life come down to the next 10 minutes. Michelle, Stephanie and D.J. stalk the show producer singing "Tomorrow" and trying to win a spot on the show. Hilarity? Meanwhile, on with the "comedy." Joey's competition? A cheesy ass, untalented prop comic Steve Oedekerk. I do love his ridicuous t-shirt though. Whoa, I guess Oedy was in "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist" and wrote it. Maybe he's not ALL unfunny.

Time for Joey's act. It's too painful to recap in it's entirety. It involves some crappy impressions of surfers, then surfers playing hockey, and a Jacques Cousteau documentary. Yawn. There's also a bit about Flipper the dolphin's wife having a headache and saying no to Flipper and it's like, seriously? A joke about dolphin sex? He does the Popeye voice and compares his microphone stand to Olive Oyl's body. Man, I can't believe I used to watch SS. Were all the comedians this bad?

The scores are in and it's a tie! They both got perfect scores of 4.00 stars! Fix! FIIIIIXXXXXXXXXX! They go to an audience vote to serve as the tie-breaker via secret ballot. They go to a commercial break and announce that they'll be right back with Star Search '90 and god damn, that makes me feel old. This was so long ago. As they calculate the votes, Joey looks tormented and Steve contemplates where he can get a good burger. Steve just went up about 5 notches in my book. The votes are in and the audience, as enchanted with Mr. Oedekerk's shirt as I am, choose him to remain the reigning comedy champion.

Back in the dressing room, the family tries to console Joey citing that Steve needed 4 arms to beat him. Joey gives himself a pep talk to shut the guys up stating that the deadline he set for himself was arbitrary and that he still managed to get a perfect score on "Star Search". Jesse tells Joey that he's not a failure and that he was happy with his life before he remembered the deadline and says that he's in the same boat with his music career. He tells Joey that if he abandoned his comedy dream, he'd miss it too much. Jesse then turns to Danny for some support and affirmation, and Danny is lost in his tawdry fantasies about the SS Spokesmodel. Bwah. Danny, you horndog.

Joey is now back on the empty "Star Search" stage, alone and doing his "Wizard of Oz" routine. UgTot waddles onto the stage and giggles. Joey realizes how much it means to him to make people laugh and gives himself a new deadline. If he doesn't make it in 60 years, he'll give up on comedy forever. Get it? Because he'll be like 90 at this point so it won't matter? Get it?!?! The rest of the family comes out and does this lame "Johnny Vibratto" sing-song telling Joey that they love him. Lame! Give it up, Gladstone!