"Kiss me, you fools!" or Granny Tanny (3.5)

My deepest apologies for the severe lapse in blogging. But between the holidays, working and a nasty virus circulating around my workplace, I fell way behind on recaps. I'll try to pump out a few this weekend, because I'm off of work the next two days and couch-ridden with an "America's Next Top Model" marathon, so we'll see how things go. Onward with Season 3!

This episode begins with UgTot (TM Ashley, thank you for that genius suggestion!) escaping her crib and crawling into bed with Uncle Jesse. Hmm... the inappropriateness of all of these relationships between these grown ass men and this fugly looking Troll doll. Jesse cries for Danny, yelling "Jailbreak!" Danny is stoked because this means big girl Michelle is ready for her very own big girl bed.

The family goes downstairs just as Granny Tanny's cab is pulling up. Dang, is it just my perception of time or is Granny Tanny arriving hella early? She enters with a cry of "Kiss me, you fools!" and Claire is now portrayed by Doris Roberts of "Everybody Loves Raymond" fame. Ugh. I find everything Ray-related to be extremely annoying, particularly Patricia Heaton and Doris Roberts. UgTot spouts some crap that we're supposed to find cute and I die inside a little.

Grandma sits down on the couch and the girls present her with a gift, a paint set in honor of her retirement from the stationary business. Joey wishes her happy golden years, to which Claire scoffs, "Golden years? Pfft." Wow, Claire, tell us how you really feel. Naturally everyone feels awkward especially the girls who take Claire's attitude to mean she hates their gift. She apologizes and explains that now that she's divorced and her children are grown up and she's retired, her life has gone from "Get up and go" to "Why get up?" God, Debbie Downer much? Way to unload all of your issues on your young granddaughters.

In the kitchen, we're at the end of breakfast where Claire has thoroughly stuffed everyone full of pancakes. Danny tells her that they'll clean and she remarks how nice it felt to be needed. While she runs upstairs, Danny suggests that everyone sit and leave the mess and let Granny T clean it up because she loves taking care of the and he wants her to feel useful and needed. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if when I get old the only thing that gives my life meaning is cleaning up after other people, I think I'll just walk into oncoming traffic. Get a hobby, Claire. Cleaning is not fun.

Stephanie asks if that would be lying to Grandma, because they really can manage around the house without her. Danny claims it's not lying, it's playing make believe. Grandma comes down and remarks how she's never seen Danny let a mess sit for so long. Danny tells her that between all the guys working and taking care of the girls, he just sometimes falls behind on the housekeeping. Grandma is stoked to clean up the breakfast mess and I'm baffled. Danny also mentions to GT that Michelle is in the market for a new big girl bed and suggests that maybe she can help pick one out. GT is stoked because she has the perfect bed in mind. I know she's a grandmother and all, but to have a specific type of child's bed visualized in your mind. Again, get a hobby, Claire.

Later, Grandma is bringing the girls home from the zoo and they boast that it was the "most fun ever." Claire's bed selection is one with bedposts in the shape of pencils, and everyone fawns over her choice as the single greatest children's bed everrr. (It's not.) UgTot seems pretty content with the bed, and GT is pretty pleased with herself and leaves to prepare a dinner of Thanksgiving proportions. Everyone exits except Michelle who is jumping up and down on her new bed. Jesse pops his head back in and catches her, and I say he lets her jump around. Maybe she'll hop off the bed and bust her head open. I'd laugh.

At dinner, Claire loads up Danny's plate with brussel sprouts, a vegetable he loathes and has pretended to love since a young age in order to please his mother. Everyone fawns over Claire some more, about the dinner and the way she maintains the household. But, Danny's plan backfires as soon as GT suggests that maybe she should move in and that Jesse & Joey move out. The girls worriedly ask if the guys are really leaving and they adamantly insist that they're not. GT then suggests that they get bunkbeds. Danny's too much of a pussy to tell Claire to stuff it, and she goes upstairs to get UgTot ready for bed.

The family tells Danny to suck it up and tell Claire that she's not needed, and he stands up and all of the brussel sprouts he had hidden in the napkin in his lap come tumbling to the ground. The guys are tucking Michelle into bed and it appears that Jesse is more overprotective of UgTot than Danny is. He starts suggesting putting up protective railings around the bed, and Danny gently reminds him that she's outgrown a crib and Jesse finally shuts up.

Ug starts yearning for a crib and Jesse tells her the secret of finding the sweet spot in her bed. He ends up staying in bed with her and I'm grossed out. Danny goes to find Joey in the kitchen to further put off his confrontation with his mother. Joey suggests role-playing and awesomely mocks Doris Roberts. Whoa, did I just refer to something Joey did as awesome? Eh, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Plus, I really hate Doris as Claire. She's so annoying. And I hate that whole, "Kiss me, you fools!" shtick.

Finally, it's time for the Danny and Claire showdown. Danny starts off with confessing his hatred for brussel sprouts and finally breaks it to Claire that he wanted her to feel useful, but they don't actually need her to move in. She's angry at him for lying but eventually, the Tanner's dodge the GT bullet, and she's sent on her merry way to not appear in another episode ever again. Joy!