"Lemme tell you something about your pal Shakespeare: anyone who makes men dress like women is where I draw the line!" or No More Mr. Dumb Guy (3.13)

D.J. and Stephanie are doing Michelle's hair and comment that it was much easier when she was a baby and bald. Don't forget how much more pleasant it was when she couldn't speak! I mean, we were always offended by her face, but now we have to endure the crap she spews from her bratty little mouth. Ug puts a wig on her head and calls herself a movie star and Stephanie refers to her as "Zsa Zsa." Please don't encourage her, Steph.

On WUSF, their guest is Cynthia Ryan, the coordinator for the Festival of Cultural Arts. Danny's got the hots for her and whilst trying to flirt he kicks a glass of juice, spilling it all over her. Smooth, Dan. Real smooth. He manages to ask her to be his date to the festival amidst all of the bumbling. As the show wraps, Jesse shows up at the studio in a Cincinnati Reds hat and is all greased up, presumably from working on some car or motorcycle. He doesn't want to go to the Festival of Cultural Arts because it sounds boring and I wholeheartedly agree. This is coming from someone who was an Illustration major in college too. Bo. Ring.

At the house, Joey is cooking spaghetti for dinner and tries to class it up by putting on a faux Italian accent. No one's fooled, Gladstone. D.J. and Stephanie begin playing a game of telephone, communicating insults towards one another through Michelle. Jesse passes through the kitchen carrying a full armload of books to study up and broaden his cultural horizons.

It's the evening of the Festival and Danny brings Cynthia to the Tanner home prior to the gala. There, Michelle recycles some of D.J. and Stephanie's verbal barbs by calling Cynthia a "Cheesehead" and Danny "Chicken Legs." I'm almost amused by you, UgTot. Almost. Danny is less than thrilled than Michelle's new habit of hurling insults, and tells D.J. and Stephanie to fix this situation by the time he gets home.

Jesse is in his room listening to opera and studying various works of art and literature in a desperate cram session to make himself more educated and refined. But, it's not all stuffy boring classics, he's also making time to read "Is that you Big Guy?: Sightings of Elvis." Out of all of the books he listed, that's definitely the one I'm most interested in reading. Becky comes in and asks if he's ready to go and Jesse feigns a fever. Becky's content to leave him behind because her douchey former professor Eric Trent is there to escort her. They depart and Jesse astutely picks up on Eric's mondo douche vibes and decides that he will go to the Festival after all. Joey gives him a crash course in pseudo-intellectualism.

Joey explains to Jesse that the people who are going to be at the party are the equivalent of "Jeopardy!" whereas Jesse is more of a "Price is Right" kind of guy. Joey gives him some conversational snippets and pointers for hanging with the pompous brainiacs and sends him on the way.

At the gala, Danny accidentally dumps some caviar onto Cynthia's head and carefully picks it off like a chimp picking lice out of another chimp's scalp. Yuck. The party looks so incredibly boring, and Jesse shows up to crash. I can't help but notice that Jesse's hair is dangerously approaching mullet territory and he is in desperate need of a trim.

Jesse tries to fit in with all of the snobs calling "Citizen Kane" the greatest film ever made and says that he finds Picasso "interesting, but terribly overrated." This sends Professor Snooty into a self-righteous tizzy but again, I'm on Jesse's side through and through. As an art student who had to sit through hours and hours of art history, I can't stand like 90% of Picasso's shit and do find him terribly overrated. That's just me.

Becky acts like Jesse is being a complete embarrassment and completely ignores the fact that Prof. Trent is being a complete and total bag of douche. Jesse vows to settle their pissing contest the best way he knows: an arm wrestling match. The classical band playing at the party begins providing background music to this epic struggle, and Danny, because he's awesome, starts whooping and cheering for Jesse. That is, until he's met with death looks from the rest of the party-goers who have zero sense of humor and then he says that arm wrestling is "barbaric." Jesse defeats Eric and celebrates his victory. Becky is less than impressed, and tells Jesse he was being a jerk and leaves the party in a huff.

Stephanie and D.J. are trying to break Michelle of her insult-hurling habit and to be nice. It appears to take and then Michelle wanders into Jesse's bedroom to cheer him up the only way an UgTot can cheer up her creepy Uncle. I am momentarily distracted from their inappropriate relationship when Michelle says "I love you too, Cheesehead."

Becky is in her apartment and goes to the window when she hears something below. It's Jesse, serenading her with a song he wrote that night as an apology. Becky comes down and tells him that despite never going to college, he still accomplished a lot with his life and she still thinks that he's smart. And so ends another one of the myriad of fights that plague the tumultuous Jesse and Becky romance.