Friday, January 18, 2008

"I'm your Dad, I know everything. And what I don't know, I make up." or And They Call It Puppy Love (3.7)

Stephanie's trying to teach UgDumbTot how to tie her shoes, but because Michelle suffers from terminal stupidity, ends up having to tie her laces for her. Stupid Michelle.

Joey's in the backyard, about to enjoy a delicious sangwich, and Michelle is meanwhile playing with a toy dog that reminds me of the early 90s classic Go Go My Walking Pup! Unh! Yeah! Check that bitches, that's the OG, Original Gangsta Go Go! Michelle makes "Arf! Arf!" noises and I want to punch my TV screen. Danny, meanwhile, is taking Jesse to the DMV to renew his driver's license. Jesse wants to drive himself, but Danny refuses to allow it as his license has expired and we all know that Danny Tanner walks the straight and narrow.

Joey's reading a tabloid with the headline "Psychic Hit by Lightning" and makes the obvious remark that if he were any good, he's have seen that coming. Insert laugh track here. A golden retriever runs up and seizes Joey's sandwich while he's inside and then runs off. Joey comes out and asks Michelle where the sandwich went. She blames it on the dog and he thinks she means her toy, until the golden retriever returns. Joey inspects the tags on the collar and exposits that the dog is a female, named Minnie who has had all of her vaccinations and hails from... OHIO?!?! Man, how the hell does a dog get from Ohio to San Fran? Stephanie comes out and is hella excited about the arrival of the new dog.

Stephanie takes Minnie on a tour of the house and the dog cutely wipes its paws on the welcome mat. Aw. I love dogs. More than people. But not in a scary way. Minnie sets up camp in Uncle Jesse's bed, and D.J. happens upon the newest addition to the Tanner clan. Minnie stands on her hind legs extending her front ones across D.J.'s shoulders, and D.J. proclaims that "She's a Tanner already!" because she loves to hug. They allow Minnie to sleep on Jesse's bed because they figure she must be tired from her journey and D.J. suggests they all nap there together. Weird.

Danny and Jesse come home from the DMV and run into Joey who's getting some water for Minnie. He asks about their day and Jesse reveals that he failed the written test. Haw haw! Jesse is exasperated and says that he drives the freeway and they give any idiot a license. His rant is smartly met with "Not every idiot." ZING!

The girls and Joey all want to keep Minnie, but don't know the best way to approach the subject with Danny. Stephanie suggests that what they've been lacking around the household is the presence of someone from Ohio. Smooth, Steph. Real smooth.

Jesse meanwhile heads up to his room and sees a lump moving underneath the covers of his bed. He thinks that it's Michelle and is not so pleasantly surprised when he discovers it is, in fact, Minnie. He yells and kicks her out of the bed and Minnie takes off to Michelle's room. She knocks over her building blocks and hides under the bed. UgTot outright lies when questioned by Uncle Jesse. Liar! The dog apparently also managed to seize Jesse's leopard print thong. Hee! And, ew.

The girls and Joey are trying to sell Danny on Minnie and then they, and Minnie as well, resort to begging. Jesse encourages Danny to hold his ground and stand strong, and while Danny is concerned about the potential mess and the process of housetraining, but come on Danny, that's a grown ass dog. I'm sure she doesn't piss all over the place. Minnie flops down on the ground, breathing heavily and D.J. the dog whisperer deduces that Minnie is prego. Stephanie is enthused at the prospect of becoming an aunt.

Most of the family begins prepping for the birth and Jesse takes this time to go study for his license exam. His methods include snacks, listening to the radio and drumming on the kitchen sink. D.J. comes in, sees this, and gives him tips for success. Namely, turn off the music, don't eat anything and sit your ass down in a chair with the book.

Danny updates Stephanie on the status of Minnie's owner, who's still unknown. Then Stephanie asks a question that leaves him paralyzed with fear: Where did Minnie's puppies come from? Danny begins babbling and avoids discussing the actual mechanics of "doggy style" by waxing on about Minnie meeting her husband and how is was "love at first sniff." Danny spins a yarn about Minnie's husband being a fire dog named Arnie, yet somehow dodges the bullet about where that deadbeat Arnie is now that he's knocked up poor Minnie.

Minnie, meanwhile, has nested herself in Jesse's bed and the family begins arguing until D.J. shushes them and points out that Minnie is giving birth. Everyone is mesmerized by the beauty and miracle of life and all that shit. Jesse proclaims that it's the most amazing thing to ever happen in his bed, which shatters all of my personal fantasies about John Stamos' sexual prowess. Granted, I don't know how much sexing I'd be doing if I had 3 young nieces all living within earshot. Maybe if I had soundproofed walls and 3 separate locks on my door... or maybe I'd just get a place of my own. Just saying...

Aww puppies. So cute. I want a puppy. Jesse's still a little miffed that Minnie picked his bed to set up shop and frankly, as much as I love dogs, I would too. I mean we're talking puppy placenta.. and do dogs poop when they give birth like humans do? I'm just saying, I'd be in the market for a new mattress and invest in a lot of air fresheners and Febreze to get that stank out. I'm just saying...

Danny's following all of the dogs around with a Dustbuster and trying desperately to suck up all of the fur they left behind. Finally, Minnie's owner, Frank Flood, shows up. They bring in all of the puppies in a puppy parade that melts my cold cold heart... god damn they are cute. Frank thanks the Tanners for their kindness in caring for Minnie and her puppies. Jesse asks if he can drive the girls to visit the puppies... wait, aren't Frank and Minnie from OHIO?? Are you going to trek from San Fran to Ohio on a road trip to see some puppies? Damn, just drive them to the local pet store and save on gas. As a reward for their hospitality, Frank offers the Tanners a puppy to keep.

Danny can't resist the charm of a young puppy and caves and says they can keep one. For an unexplained reason, they leave the decision of selection which puppy to UgTot. Ugh. Why do they insist upon catering to her so fucking much? She's 3! I know it's fiction, but this is why she's such a little snatch when she's older! Naturally, she selects the puppy who has taken a liking to Jesse's bed and ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Comet Tanner.


Michelle said...

"D.J. the dog whisperer deduces that Minnie is prego."

That cracked me up so very much. I just found your blog and have read all your previous blogs. They are awesome!!! Keep up the good work. I can't WAIT until you get to the episode where UgTot Michelle drags the baby pool into the kitchen and Danny steps into the pool. I don't remember exactly what happens but I remember UgTot saying something like "I guess I'm not your little princess anymore" along with a chorus of "awwwwww" and I wanted to shoot my face off.

metamorphstorm said...

In response to Michelle's comment in 2008, that episode was called "Crimes and Michelle's Demeanor," which I know because I'm into any episode in which Michelle is a brat (giving me something to write about) and getting punished (which makes up for the thirty minutes of Michelle Tanner.

Blech. I hate Michelle. (Not the commenter...Michelle Tanner!) :)