UgToddler (yes, I've finally "upgraded" from UgBaby, thought this doesn't have quite the same flow...) is playing in a toy car in the living room with Joey. He gives her a pretend tune-up and for his services, is paid with a kiss. He returns her "change" with another kiss. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Jess and Joey are working on a Beach Boys sounding jingle for some gym or whatever called Pounds Away. For some reason, Jesse thinks they need to incorporate Michelle saying "Bye Bye Fat." I can't imagine that other people would actually go for this tripe. Not everyone has the bizarre and creepy fascination with Michelle as you, Jesse. Ick. D.J. comes in and tells the fam that she has an assignment to follow around a member of her family and write a report on them. And for some unknown reason, she chose UgToddler.
Stephanie arrives home a few moments later. Apparently she had to stay behind after school with her head on the desk for 15 minutes of silence. Apparently Steph and some other kids were calling another boy in the class, Walter Berman, "Duck Face." Hey, that's not so bad. Imagine if they substituted an F for one of those letters and then we'd have a much larger problem on our hands. Jesse is less than thrilled with this news and informs Stephanie how hurtful name calling is. He tells how when he was a boy, the other kids used to call him "Zorba the Geek" and I am seriously impressed if young kids could come up with that. Jesse adds that when he hit puberty at age 15, he put a stop to the teasing by kicking the crap out of one of the bullies. Sensing his anecdote isn't approaching the proper direction, he tells Stephanie that she has to call Walter to apologize.
Stephanie tries to get out of it and when Danny gets home asks for a second opinion. No dice there. Jesse and Stephanie go upstairs and Joey enters wearing the fugliest of sweaters. Danny starts talking about how he's going to need a fill-in co-host while Becky's on vaca, and fucks with Joey for a bit before offering him the gig. Apparently Joey has a show coming up at the Laugh Factory that he needs to generate publicity for. Nice try Joe, but talk show stint or not, no one's going to your crappy comedy show.
D.J.'s still following Michelle around and it's apparently exhausting. I wouldn't want to look at that face all day either, Deej.
Jesse sits Stephanie down and oversees her phone call to Walter. He has to monitor her apology and guider her through everything, and at the end of the call, instead of hanging up, she hands the phone over to Jesse who has to endure Walter's stimulating conversation.
Danny is trying to get Joey out the door so that they're not late for "Wake Up San Francisco." Joey tells him to relax and gestures to the barometer by the door and says that they have plenty of time. Moron. The doorbell rings and it's Walter. It's almost immediately apparent why he's been dubbed Duck Face as he purses his lips following every sentence. He introduces himself to the guys as Walter F. Berman and for some reason, that made me giggle a little bit. Danny calls for Stephanie and the guys head out.
Stephanie enters the living room and stops short when she catches sight of Walter. He thanks her for calling to apologize and is now under the impression that she's his girlfriend. Stephanie doesn't want to further hurt his feelings, but also wants to avoid committing social suicide, so she concedes that she can be his secret girlfriend whom he can't tell anyone about. Walter then imagines a secret kiss in his mind, and I'm as squicked out as Stephanie at the notion of mentally imagining kissing someone.
D.J. is still following Michelle and somehow shuts her thumb in a dresser drawer. Michelle kisses away the pain. Boy, they sure are selling that whole "Michelle's kisses are like gold" like crazy. Still not buying, FH! Stephanie storms into Uncle Jesse's room and rants about what the apology led to. She is not pleased about Walter's infatuation and his secret kisses, which he was apparently doing all day during school.
Danny and Joey are on the set of "Wake Up San Francisco" and I'm officially confused about the timeline of this episode. Exactly what time of day is this supposed to be? Is it the next morning? What the hell? Joey isn't in his chair in time for the show to kick off because the fat ass needed to get some donuts. How professional. Danny is obviously regretting his decision for a temporary co-host. Luckily, he is calmed by their guest, hug therapist, Dr. Robin Wynager. I'm pretty sure that man is Danny's personal idol.
Now back at home, Jesse's trying to eat a sandwich and UgPig Michelle steals it away. D.J. comes in, so I assume it's now after school. Apparently she got an A on her report on Michelle and my guess is it was out of pity. Stephanie then comes in fuming about Walter giving her kisses in his mind all day.
Stephanie's project group comes over and it consists of Harry, who's apparently not her BFF anymore, and another annoying guy and girl. Walter comes over and accidentally lets it slip that Stephanie is his secret girlfriend. Let the mockery ensue! Stephanie has had enough. She says that she's not Walter's girlfriend, but she is his friend and that it's not right for them to make fun of him and call him Duck Face. She asks how the other three felt when they were teased and all the while, we see Uncle Jesse watching from the upstairs landing. The kids finally apologize and invite Walter to join the group.
Stephanie runs upstairs to talk to Uncle Jesse, who rushed back to his room to make it look like he wasn't listening in the entire time. She tells him that it was the right thing to do to apologize to Walter and calls him out for listening in. She also promises that if anyone ever teases him and calls him Zorba the Geek (hee!), they'll have Stephanie to answer to.