"Oh ho, there's that ketchup bottle I was looking for!" or 13 Candles (3.17)

It's 3:47 AM and D.J. is awake and counting down the seconds to 3:48. And in 3...2...1, our little Donna Joe is officially a teenager. Stephanie is also being kept awake in her bed and is less than thrilled about this milestone.

And just like that, opening credits and D.J.'s rocking 13th birthday bash is in full swing! "My Prerogative" is playing on the the boom box and man, do I love me some old school Bobby Brown. "Everybody's talking all this stuff about me/Why can't they just let me be?" Ugh, didn't Shitney Spears do a cover of that a few years back? Anyway, D.J. is anxiously awaiting the arrival of her crush Kevin Gwinn who is uber cute. That was totally the kind of guy I'd be crushing on in middle school.

Stephanie, the uber snoop, is in the kitchen and desperate to know what's going on in the party. She sends UgTot in on a recon mission to take pictures. D.J. steers her right back into the kitchen and is met with a rousing rendition of "13 Candles" by the guys. Hee. On my 16th birthday one of my tone deaf friends called and left a message on my machine of her singing "16 Candles" in her horrible scratching, warbly voice. A year later she stole my boyfriend and I now hate the bitch, but I look back on that message fondly. D.J. tells Stephanie to get a life and she boasts that she has a date with Joey to the Daffy Duck Festival and pizza. Methinks you should keep that one on the DL, Steph.

D.J. allows the family brief entry into the party to say a quick "Hi" and "Bye" to everyone. As they're being shoved back through the door into the kitchen, Stephanie turns back around and calls out "Bye Kevin!" and when he answers, triumphantly yells, "That's him!" Oof, tres embarassing. Thankfully for Deej, either Kevin's kind of dim or he likes her too, because he doesn't really react.

For some reason, Michelle is dancing in her room with an oversized stuffed Bugs Bunny. Oh... kay. Jesse comes in to be a lecherous uncle and Comet follows. He takes a momentary pause in creeping to make a brief attempt to train Comet and *YAWN* I'm over this scene.

Downstairs, Kimmy is plotting with Cathy Santoni (aka Z.Z. Ziff from "Salute Your Shorts", props to colleenn on that!) on the best way to get the painfully shy D.J. and Kevin together.

Becky is attempting to give Danny a Tango lesson for WUSF upstairs, and Danny's sucking hardcore, so Jesse steps in to show him how it's done. He kicks ass and even adds a little "Tiene mercy" which made me chuckle. Hey! Maybe Stamos should be on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars"! Or is he too good for it now that he's gotten a second wind in the form of "E.R."? Joey joins them and the guys discover that they can eavesdrop on the party through the fireplace in Danny's room. Becky tries to dissuade them, but you know how those guys love being involved to an inappropriate degree in those girls' lives.

Kimmy and Cathy came up with the most obvious and contrived way to get two young pre-teens together: Spin the Bottle! All of the guys simultaneously smack their heads on the top of the fireplace upon hearing that, and are met with a "Serves you right" courtesy of Becky.

Pardon me while I dive off on another one of my tangents that I'm sure all 5 of my readers love! Did anyone ever actually play Spin the Bottle in middle school (or ever)? Because I never did and I was just wondering if I missed out on one of the major rites of passage or was the prevalence of this game heavily exaggerated via television and movies? My lack of StB experience haunts me to this day, I actually feel like I'm kind of missing out on something. In college, I would try to jokingly suggest it as a game at parties hoping that someone else would jump on the idea so I could fulfill this great void in my life, but to no avail. I had to settle with random bar makeouts instead (Makeout Bandit!). So yeah, hit me up comment-style if you guys actually played this and I'm just a total freak who was living under a rock for most of my childhood, or was StB more of an urban legend? And if you did play it, was it totally awesome?!?

Back to the Tanner's living room where the ketchup bottle's a-spinning. Kimmy and Bitterman are the first two to pair off and despite their initial "Ew"'s, after the kiss, there's a newfound electricity between them. Man, I loved the Kimmy-Bitterman dynamic, I was a total 'shipper for them, through and through. Don't get me wrong, in the later episodes, I loved me some Duane ("...whatever."), but how sweet would it have been if they kept bringing Bitterman back through the years? Cathy then urges Kevin to go next while a saxophone version of Madonna's "Crazy for You" plays. All of the party-goers rig it so Kevin gets D.J. and as they stand face to face, nervous as hell and most likely with sweaty palms, and they move in when suddenly all of the guys barge into the room.

Danny flips the light switch back on, Joey starts tossing out peanuts and popcorn and Jesse comes in carrying cassette tapes of "Uncle J's fast dancing, no touching music." Danny snags the ketchup bottle and Jesse tries to start up some dancing claiming that the kids will "have fun fun fun til your Daddy takes the ketchup bottle away!" Kevin is obviously flustered and embarassed and might even possibly have a boner... boys start getting random pop-ups at 13, right? He books it out of there and D.J. is PISSED. She snaps at Kimmy for her stupid suggestion and yells at the guys for ruining her birthday. She storms upstairs to her room and the guys finally get that they fucked shit up. Thankfully Becky is willing to do damage control and goes up to talk to D.J.

The guys sit down at the kitchen table and realize what tools they were acting like. They reminisce about their first kisses: Jesse's was Diane van Sant and Joey and Danny simultaneously reveal that theirs was Colleen Finegan. Unfortunately it is revealed that Danny got Joey's sloppy seconds because he kissed Colleen in 8th grade and Joey had already been there, done that in 7th.

D.J. won't open the door on the first knock, so Becky calls out,"Can I have 5 bucks?" The misdirection tactic works ad D.J.'s confusion and outrage over the request leads her to open the door. They talk about first kisses and how you know it's the right time, and Becky tells the story of her first kiss: she was competing in a 3-legged race and her and her partner fell down and bumped heads and then he kissed her. Aw, that's a pretty cute story. My first kiss story is l-a-m-e. D.J. hopes that her first kiss is as awesome as Becky's. Man, I wish mine was. I'm jealous.

D.J. goes downstairs to apologize to Kimmy and the guys because even though they fucked up, their hearts were in the right place. Is there ever a time on this show when someone's heart is in the wrong place though, really? Maybe Michelle, because she was always a self-serving brat. There's a knock at the back door. The tween girl inside of me's heart skips a beat when they open the door and it's Kevin! Squee! He came back to give D.J. her birthday card that he forgot.

She walks Kevin out and casually mentions that Kimmy thinks that the two of them would make the perfect couple. Because this is a television show, Kevin awesomely and cutely replies that "She can't be wrong all the time." Aww. Young love. They kiss and aww, to be young again. When a kiss meant something and you weren't constantly competing with whores that will fuck and suck anything that moves... um, not like I know any girls like that. This episode made me uber nostalgic for that romantic innocence of yore. I hope it gave all of you those same warm fuzzy feelings when you watched.