We open with Jesse helping Michelle get dressed. She says she doesn't need help, but pervy Uncle Jesse refuses to be deterred. There's whistling and I'm too grossed out to go on. Credits. Let's move on... what? This episode is centered around Joey's sex life? Nooooooooooooo! Why God, why?!?!
Danny is expressing his love for this time of year. First comes spring cleaning and right behind it is tax time. I love you Danny, but being someone in the service industry who makes their money in tips and then pays out the ass come tax time, we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. Joey and Jesse look at him like he's nuts, and before they can tell him what a freak he is, they're interrupted by the phone ringing. Ug answers, even though she can't formulate proper sentences. Jesse promptly seizes the phone from her and tells Joey it's someone named Patty Fogerty calling for him.
Joey's eyes light up and Danny looks peeved as they reveal that Patty is Joey's ex-girlfriend in college whom he wanted to marry who left him broken-hearted. Joey's psyched that he may have a second chance to reconnect with her. Danny doesn't think that's such a good idea.
Up in the girls' room, DJ is performing a magic trick for Kimmy, Steph and Michelle. It involves the ball of mystery which consists of her holding up a curtain with a fake hand while she uses her free hand to move a ball around. She gets totally busted by Steph when she drops the ball. Lame trick anyway. Kimmy busts out her brother's magic cuffs and handcuffs DJ and Stephanie together. Too bad Kimmy didn't check if she had the key before she attempted this trick.
Danny is still freaking out at Jesse for his lackadaisical attitude towards taxes. He's urging him to examine the codes and re-do his taxes in hopes of yielding a higher return. Someone's at the door. It's Patty! She's come fresh off of her divorce and looking to rekindle her former flame with Joey. Vomit. There's no one else in your past that you'd like to look up, Patty? Really? Joey's it?
They go down to his room to talk. He tells her that she broke his heart, all those years ago, and she says that at that time she needed serious romance and not some goofball. Joey is hurt that she never realized how much he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. They embrace and Joey remarks that for 10 years he's wondered what it would feel like to hold her again, and I'm wondering what it would feel like to hold a gun to my head if I have to endure ten more minutes of this nauseating shit. Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to write an episode focused on the love (and possible sex) life of Joey?
Danny is discussing his worry over Joey's reconnecting with Patty with Jesse. Jesse thinks that Danny should chill out, but Danny's dead-set in his opposition to their reunion. One might comment that Danny needs to butt out, but I've totally been that sort of overprotective friend, so I won't judge.
Kimmy comes back from going to her house to retrieve the key. Problem is, the key wasn't at her house. Her brother has it and he's in Reno but will be coming home the next day to pick up his unemployment check (hee). I have to wonder why on earth her brother would travel with the key to some magic handcuffs but not bring the handcuffs? For some reason, the girls are afraid of Danny finding out that they're cuffed together, so they both hop into DJ's bed and tell him that they love each other so much that they're having a little slumber party.
The next day, Danny is finishing up the long form for Jesse's taxes and ends up costing Jesse money. Can't Jesse just toss that one and stick to the original short form where he gets money back? Before Jesse can kick Danny's ass for his tax return blunder, Joey comes in singing after staying out all night with Patty. While their backs are turned, Michelle pushes all of the guys' tax stuff off of the coffee table in an attempt to clean. Danny calls Ug a Cleaning Monster, and well, you're half right there, Dan-O. Danny's still very upset over the Joey and Patty thing and Joey can't understand why Danny can't just be happy for him.
Kimmy comes in and tells DJ and Steph that her brother is extending his stay in Reno to a week and she won't be able to get the key. At this the girls have had enough and tell Danny that they're cuffed. Luckily for them, Jesse used to have a pair of magic cuffs (used to? I'm sure he's still working those into his bedroom repertoire). He asks Kimmy to assist him as he covers the girls hands with a cloth and "magically" transfers the cuffs from DJ and Stephanie to Kimmy's hands.
Joey and Patty have a romantic spaghetti dinner... in the backyard. Ohhh...kay. She begs him to reenact the spaghetti and meatball kiss scene from "Lady and the Tramp." Ohhh...kay. Nothing screams romance like reenacting Disney movies... when you're 30. Joey's trying to be all suave, sensitive and romantic, and Patty suggests that they go streaking through the neighborhood. He's not for it (thank you!) and she complains that she came back for the old crazy Joey.
Joey finally grows a set and stands up to Patty. He tells her that he's not the same guy he was because (duh) a lot changes in ten years. He says that they're like strangers now and they don't know anything about each other. They realize that they were trying to hold onto something in the past that isn't there anymore and sit back down to enjoy dinner and get to know each other. Blah, stupid episode. Now I know why I skipped it the first time around. Note to the writers, you should have always had less Joey and more Kimmy.