"I fascinate you?" or Bye Bye Birdie (3.16)

This episode's annoying intro entails Joey measuring how tall Ug's become. She keeps cheating by standing on her tip toes and yawn. Is this supposed to be "cute" and "funny"? It's just boring. Though my aunt totally used to measure my cousins and sister and I on the inside of their hall closet door. Memories.

The guys and Becky are tucking Michelle into bed, she's all pumped for her first day of pre-school. She wants to go now. They tell her a story about a princess' first day of school. This... isn't storytelling at its finest. Essentially Princess Michelle goes to pre-school, plays with toys, makes some friends, takes a nap, cleans up and comes home. And claims it was the best day ever.

Cue Michelle's dream sequence that involves the 4 adults acting like pre-schoolers. Ha. Danny's rocking a beanie cap, Joey is wearing a horse attached to his pants (? I don't even know), Becky is in pigtails and a sailor dress and Jesse is "Cowboy Jesse" who totally reminds me of Laurence Fishburne's character on Pee Wee's playhouse. Princess Michelle comes out and they sing a song for her and it's freaky looking because they superimposed a blown up clip of Michelle so she's the same height as the others. Weird. And creepy.

Stephanie's bothering DJ who's apparently harboring some juicy gossip. Ug comes in with unbrushed hair and her dress on backwards. DJ laughs at her, and so would I! Stephanie is in their shared room determined to find out what'sagoinon (TM Bret Michaels). She is so nosey that she ends up breaking the lock off of the diary. Jesse knocks on the door and Stephanie hurls the diary under her bed. Comet starts chewing on it, and Jesse surmises that he chewed the lock off. Stephanie thinks her ass is saved.

Danny drops Michelle off at pre-school and introduces her to her teacher, Miss Petri. We are also introduced to Aaron who is completely out of character here as he's toting the sharing crown which he received for being such a good sharer of toys. Aaron shows Michelle Dave, the class bird. The class sits down for story time, all except Michelle who tries to include Dave in on this story time goodness and opens his cage. Dave darts right out of the classroom window like a bat out of hell. Methinks they weren't treating him too well in the class. Aaron tells Michelle she's a bad girl and Miss Petri tries to play it off as an accident. No way Miss P, Ug's a bad seed!

Michelle's tossing out pieces of bread in the backyard calling for Dave. When Danny tells J&J how none of the kids would play with her in pre-school and she just sat in the corner saying "I'm a bad girl", they start wailing for Dave. Danny takes Jesse with him on a mission and instructs Joey to clean up the bread in the yard.

Stephanie is trying to superglue the lock back onto DJ's diary and gets her hand stuck in the process. I don't get why she even bothered doing that. Couldn't she have just said Comet chewed the lock off? She even had Jesse as a witness to back her up. DJ comes into their room and asks her if she wants to go to the mall with her since they haven't hung out in awhile. She'd love to, but can't on account of a diary being glued to her hand. Joey asks if the girls want to go with him and Michelle to get ice cream and Stephanie almost accepts until she again, remembers the diary and then declines.

Jesse and Danny come home with Sammy, a replacement bird for Dave. Michelle is unimpressed and refuses to go back to school. Jesse says it's okay and Danny says no dice. Jesse says he killed his kindergarten fish and has yet to get over the trauma from the aftermath of teasing. Danny tells him that they can't protect Michelle forever and she has to deal with the unpopularity. Bird or no bird, it was bound to happen. Ug sucks.

He uncovers the diary and tells Steph she's in deep shit. He manages to get her unstuck and gets himself stuck to the diary in the process. Just then, DJ walks in and thinks she's caught Joey snooping. She yanks the diary out of his hands and then Joey urges Stephanie to come clean about busting the diary. DJ asks for a moment alone to talk with her sister and says that she can't deal with her snooping, and Steph says she can't help it because she's fascinated by DJ. DJ's too flattered to stay angry and adds that she keeps all of her juicy gossip in her journal.

Danny brings Michelle back to pre-school and introduces them to Sammy. Because they're small children, they're all like "Dave who?" and are instantly smitten with Sammy. The class claps their appreciation and Aaron even gives her the sharing crown. Ug's all, "Daddy I'm the princess of fug" and tells Danny to piss off because she has friends again. He's a little sad to leave, but keeps his cool. We end with everyone gathering around Sammy's cage and Michelle telling the class not to open the cage door. Uh, no shit. Considering you were the one that did it, I'm pretty sure the rest of the class didn't share your lack of commonsense, dumbfug.