Jesse and Joey are downstairs in the kitchen and Becky comes in and asks them to participate in an upcoming date auction. Becky just has to bat her doe eyes at Jesse and tell him that it would mean a lot to her to get him to agree to it. Danny rushes in because he apparently wanted to beat Becky home with the news. Danny does not want to be auctioned off because he is acting as the auctioneer and to play both roles would be insanity. Becky applies the same tactics she used on Jesse to Danny and he caves. Suddenly Jesse doesn't feel quite so special. Oh Becky, you and your feminine wiles and charms.
Kimmy comes into D.J.'s room and her hair sends me into a traumatic flashback. Her short curly layered 'do unfortunately resembles the hideousness that I suffered through when I was in third grade. I didn't get it cut that way because I wanted to, the stupid Italian stylist just butchered my hair. I hated it and thought I looked like a boy and Kimmy's hair is bringing me back to a very dark place. Moving on from my childhood traumas, Kimmy is there to inform D.J. that Michael Montfort likes D.J. and is going to ask her to eat lunch with him. D.J. is ecstatic.
The next day at school, Michael, who is played by noneother than Jonathan Brandis (of Tiger Beat, Teen Bop, "Ladybugs" and "Sidekicks" fame (Rest in Peace)), asks D.J. to eat lunch with him (which is junior high code for being boyfriend and girlfriend). He seals the deal by giving her a friendship bracelet and the playground erupts into cheers. Side note: poor Jonathan Brandis, I was so bummed when I heard he killed himself. Ladybugs was totally one of my favorite movies growing up. Sadness.
That evening at the house, Nick is there baby-sitting the girls, playing cards in the living room with Stephanie. D.J. and Michael are in the kitchen doing homework. As Michael's getting ready to leave, D.J. asks if she'll see him at lunch tomorrow. He says that he promised to eat with Cathy Santoni the next day and D.J. wonders, "Won't everyone say you're boyfriend and girlfriend?" Michael's okay if they do. D.J. is hurt and confused, and is even more hurt when Michael explains that D.J. is really nice and smart, but Cathy is just so... pretty. Ouch. On that note, Michael leaves and D.J. is crushed about her short-lived romance and angrily removes the bracelet he gave her. Stephanie comes into their shared room where D.J. is wallowing and D.J. kicks her out for the night because she wants to be alone. Poor Steph is stuck sharing the nursery with UgBaby.
At the date auction, Joey's up for bid. At first he's not really drawing much of a reaction until Danny builds him up with various lines of bullshit. Finally the bidding begins at $100, then climbs by $50 increments until he finally goes for $300 to an old woman with a bird on her hat. Fear not, unfunny comic! She actually purchased you for her super hot granddaughter Heather. Danny tries to skip over himself, but Becky forces him to take the stage. Danny is overcome with nerves and isn't selling himself very well to the prospective buyers. Finally he manages to get a bid and personally thanks everyone in the audience who bid on him. Overcome with excitement, Danny boasts that he can go all night and suddenly the place is booming with bidders. Danny realizes that they misunderstood his intent, so he just goes back to the last bidder prior to his outburst. It's to the old lady with a bird on her hat for $150! Sucks for Danny because she actually bought him for herself.
Rowr, bring on Jesse Katsopolis. Danny needn't give an introduction because the ladies are hungry to bid. Everyone in the room is willing to bid $100, $200, $300 until one woman who had been flirting with him earlier, jumps the bid up to $1000. Jesse remarks, "$1000 for a night with me? No pressure there." Becky can't stand to see her man go to another hussy so she hops in the bidding with $1100. They go back and forth to $1200, $1300, $1400 until Becky raises her bid to an astounding $1700. Hot damn! The blonde hussy finally gives up, "Take him. I could never explain $1700 to my husband." Hee!
The guys and Becky return to the house and tell Nick about the date auction. Joey says that he got a great girl and Danny laments, "I got her grandmother." Jesse tells Nick that Becky paid $1700 for him, and Nick rightfully replies "What are you? Nuts?!" Amen to that! Nick has to interrupt the good times and laughs by informing them that D.J. is upstairs and upset because her boyfriend broke up with her. Danny knows that her first broken heart calls for a Dad talk. J&J follow to assist.
Becky is left downstairs for Nick where he asks her why she spent so much on Jesse when she could have had him for free? Her face shows that she realizes that she was probably a little overzealous.
Upstairs the guys are talking to D.J. She's upset because she's not pretty. They try to tell her that she is pretty and then draw comparison to the Ugly Duckling story. Big mistake. She flips out and locks herself in the bathroom, leaving the guys stunned in the hallway. Just then Becky comes up the stairs to check on the situation and scolds them for using the Ugly Duckling story; a tactic you never use unless you're talking about somebody else's kid. Becky offers to smooth the situation over and knocks on the bathroom door and gets D.J. to come out and talk.
Stephanie thinks that her room is free while D.J. is in the bathroom and begins to move her stuff back in starting with Mr. Bear. While she is going back for the rest of her things, D.J. and Becky return to the bedroom and close the door. Stephanie knocks on the door and is answered with Mr. Bear being hurled against the wall. Poor Mr. Bear. Poor Stephanie, who wants to sleep on the floor of an UgBaby's room?
Becky and D.J. are having girl talk. Becky tells D.J. that one day she'll find a guy who likes her, "and pay $1700 for him!" D.J. doesn't understand the metaphor and Becky confesses that neither does she. She tries again, mentioning how when she was D.J.'s age she dug a guy named Sven who only went for blondes. So she tried bleaching her hair and turned it orange. When she was upset, her mother made her stand in front of the mirror and list all of her good qualities. D.J. asks if she's going to have to do that too, and Becky says that she does. D.J. feels better and asks if she can call Becky from time to time to talk about girl stuff. Becky says that she can. They open the door to find Stephanie sleeping on the floor in the hallway, and D.J. sends Becky away and says she'll take care of it. She drags Steph back into the room and closes the door.
Becky joins the guys downstairs and Danny thanks her for helping him out with the D.J. situation. Danny and Joey leave Jesse and Becky alone to talk. Jesse tries to say that he knows she just got caught up in the excitement of the date auction and he knows that she set the boundaries of just being friends. Becky starts rambling about maybe she was wrong and goes on and on until she finally says, "Or maybe you should just shut me up" with his tongue! They kiss and are interrupted by the cry of UgBaby: "Have Mewrcy!" Ugh, learn to talk. And shouldn't you be in bed?