I can't even count how many times the opening sequence involves Jesse and Michelle, who may soon have to be upgraded from UgBaby to UgToddler, being all gross and affectionate with one another. Nauseating.
D.J. and Stephanie are getting ready for the first day of school. D.J.'s beauty regimen involves a ridiculous amount of hairspray and very fluffy bangs. Stephanie's feeling nervous about D.J. moving onto Junior High and being the lone Tanner in her school for the first time.
Becky comes through the front door, there to give Danny a ride to work. While she's there, she stops by for a good morning kiss for Jesse. The ever tactful Kimmy Gibbler interrupts disgusted, asking "This early? I hope you brushed!" Becky takes this as her cue to go find Danny and Kimmy goes upstairs to get D.J.
Joey then comes in with what he thinks is great news, they are supposed to pitch their new campaign over a round of golf with the client. Golf is apparently Joey's newest passion as evidenced by it's reference in two consecutive episodes. Jesse is less than enthused about it, but grudgingly agrees.
Becky and Danny are in the kitchen as the girls come down. Becky tells them that they're going to love Junior High (LIES! Everyone HATES Junior High, it's traumatic as hell and everyone is an asshole!). She tells them that in Junior High she had her first boyfriend, her first slow dance and her first slow kiss. She shuts up about this when Danny shoots her a death stare.
Kimmy and D.J. arrive at Junior High and all of the girls are dressed ridiculously skanky and refer to the incoming students as "scrubs" who are "so tiny they're embryonic." Wow, that's a pretty sophisticated insult, but after all this is Junior High. I can't even believe all of the hooker attire being worn by these girls. Then some random boy and girl awkwardly embrace and being making out in the middle of the cafeteria. I'm as grossed out and perturbed by this sight as D.J. and Kimmy are. Yuck. And seriously, wtf?
Kimmy and Deej are horrified to discover that they have completely different schedules except for Spanish class, so the only time they can see one another, they can't even speak English. Suddenly a busty very mature looking girl calls out hello to them and walks over. D.J. and Kimmy don't recognize the girl who claims she is Cathy Santoni. She gives them the down low on Junior High which includes that everyone makes out on the football field after school. That is so weird and creepy. Can you just picture like dozens of pairs of pre-teens awkwardly embracing and making out on a football field just inches away from other couples? Ugh.
In the backyard back at the house, Jesse and Joey are practicing their golf with UgBaby. Jesse is destroying Danny's pristine lawn by hacking up divot after divot. Joey further embarrasses him by having Michelle expertly drive a ball with her Fisher Price golf set.
Back at Junior High, D.J. suffers one of the most embarrassing moments, not only for a pre-teen, but for an adult as well. The classic mistaken wave. Have you ever had someone wave in your general direction and you wave back only to discover that they were actually gesturing to the person behind you. Always leaves me feeling like an utter dumbass. Very mundane yet completely humiliating. Her humiliation is magnified tenfold when she's rejected from a lunch table and is scolded to clear the aisle by one of the most hated teachers... who happens to be wearing the same exact outfit as D.J. God, I can't even imagine wearing the same outfit as a teacher, but considering the fact that D.J.'s vest looks eerily familiar to one I once owned, I guess I potentially could have suffered this same fate.
D.J. shuts herself in the phone booth to eat lunch and listen to the operator give the time. Reminds me of the end of high school when I ate lunch in the library everyday because I used to eat with my boyfriend and female friends. But then he and I broke up and he started dating them, yes, both of them, so I was no longer welcome at the table... not that I really wanted to eat with them anyway at that point. Either way, eating lunch alone sucks ass.
J&J come back home from a lovely afternoon on the golf course. Jesse is dressed in a light pink, teal and white striped golf shirt with light pink, teal and white plaid golf pants. I'm pretty sure my mother had that same exact shirt. Ha! I actually think Jesse is totally rocking the pale pink hideous golf outfit. Jesse ended up shooting an embarrassing score of like, 159 and is mocked thoroughly by both Joey and Danny. When Danny asks what happened to his lawn, Jesse blames it on a gopher. How very Caddyshack of him.
D.J. comes home from school and is very evasive about answering any questions about her day. She asks Danny if she can dress a little more Junior High tomorrow and when he agrees, she hurries upstairs. Stephanie on the other hand, comes home completely jazzed about her first day. She was appointed the classroom fish feeder, no longer suffers any confusion when someone calls out "Hey Tanner!", and even helped a first grader find the cafeteria because they couldn't read the sign that said "Cafeteria." Wow really? Can't read in first grade? Maybe I was just ahead of the gang, but I'm pretty sure I could read by kindergarten. Haw!
The next morning, D.J. and Kimmy are putting on their Junior High faces. Apparently Kimmy had a similarly awful day and was forced to give her lunch up to a girl with a tattoo. Man, I wish we'd been able to see that scene. The girls assume the mascara position and all I can say is, I could have lived without seeing D.J.'s B.J. face which is what this totally is. Eek. I've seen a glimpse into the future of D.J. as a hooker and it isn't pretty. Stephanie comes in and asks if she can have some make-up and D.J. tells her she's too young. UgBaby however wanders in and is given some lipstick to play with. Stephanie is rightfully outraged by this display.
The girls are finally done with their make-overs and ask Stephanie how they look. With the perfect inflection and comedic timing, Stephanie replies, very matter-of-factly, that they look "Cheap." Kimmy unveils a new rack and D.J. gasps, "Kimmy!" Kimmy puts on a seductive souther drawl and tells the girls, "Call me Kimberly."
Down in the kitchen, Danny is cleaning his rubber gloves and is rightfully mocked by Jesse and Joey, who tell him that he needs therapy. The girls come down to leave for school and Stephanie is allowed to go, but Danny keeps D.J. behind to take off her clown face. She claims that he said she could dress more Junior High, but Danny asks if this school is located in Caesar's Palace. Bwah! D.J. is pissed that she's being babied and stomps upstairs to take off her make-up, put ribbons in her hair and be Daddy's little girl forever. The guys are about to pursue her to talk her through it when it dawns on them: they have no idea how to handle a teenager.
Danny finally goes in and asks D.J. what happened at school. She tells him about the older girls, the teacher with the same outfit, how Cathy Santoni went from 12-25 overnight, and lunch in the phone booth. Danny explains that she made the transition from a big fish in a little pond to a big pond with even larger fish. He says that people will like her for who she is once they get to know her. He is wiping her make-up off and in my head I start singing the opening lines to "Suddenly Seymour" from "Little Shop of Horrors"...
"Lift up your head
Wash off your mascara
Here, take my Kleenex
Wipe that lipstick away
Show me your face, clean as the mornin'
I know things were bad, but now they're okay"
Suddenly Danny is standing beside you!
Wow, sorry for the random segue to Broadway. Anyway, as Danny's helping D.J. take off her make-up, Becky comes in to pick Danny up for work and stops short when she sees D.J.'s face and Danny holding the tissue in her hand. She tells D.J. to never let her father do her make-up again. She takes the blame for her clown face and Becky suggests that she use subtle hues to enhance D.J.'s natural beauty and asks Danny if she can show her how it's done.
At lunchtime, D.J. runs into Kimmy, whose mother caught her as she was getting on the bus and made her remove her make-up, skanky clothes and new bosom. Also, Kimmy switched her lunch period so now they can eat together. D.J. recognizes a girl from her English class and they sit down to eat lunch together. Some of the skanky older girls come over and try to boot them from the table, but D.J. stands strong and declares it a scrub table, but they're welcome to join. The girls scoff and walk away, and D.J., now feeling all high and mighty, tells her lunchtime companions that those older girls should consider wearing a little less make-up.