Wishing You and Yours a Very Tanner Christmas!

Sorry for the use of an Ug picture... and it's one from the books and not the show... but it DOES imply she's having a shitty Christmas, so I felt it was apropos.

If for Christmas you wanted a new blog entry... well, you're screwed. But, feel free to check out Episode 2.9 "Our Very First Christmas Show" to get yourself into the holiday spirit. If you haven't read it, it's new to you!

Oh. My. GOD!!!

"John Stamos must be hard up for a paycheck, because he's working on a remake of Full House. Candace Cameron Bure, who played DJ Tanner, told OK! Magazine (via SFGate), "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House. I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women.""

This would be like my greatest dream/nightmare come to fruition!!! Can you imagine the snarky goodness that would come from such a colossal trainwreck?!??!

Source.

Also:

1.kimmy gibbler: When you refuse to leave after you have a one night stand, even when they ask you nicely.

"Last night I met some whore at the bar....we came back to my place and she gave me the Kimmy Gibbler....she fucked the hell out of me and then refused to go home when I asked her nicely."

Source.

All this AND my boss is fired for embezzling?! What a crazy weekend!

"I'm guessing you didn't meet him in a library." or DJ's Choice (8.12)

We open with Steph an DJ in the kitchen and Steph thanks DJ for letting her tag along to street fair. DJ reminds her nachos and tilt-a-whirl don't mix. Steph laments her ruined sweater from the year before and wistfully remembers how much she loved it. Just then, they are joined by Kimmy and Nelson. Stephanie goes up to Nelson and administers a vision test and asks how he, with his trillions of dollars can be dating Kimmy Gibbler. I say, how can he NOT?!!? I love the Gib! Kimmy says she was hoping for more than dating, she was hoping for marriage. Ah, Kimmy, you lovable irreverent gold digger!

DJ tells Nelson and Kimmy that they just need to wait for Viper to arrive before they can leave for the fair. Nelson, obviously still feeling the burn of being rejected by DJ, comments that with a name like Viper, she most likely didn't meet him in the library. DJ quickly changes the subject to the fact that Kimmy is the reigning street fair pie eating champion. She decides she needs to warm up her chops and luckily finds an entire pineapple cheesecake in the Tanners' fridge. She clasps her hands behind her back and dives in. Oo, Danny is NOT going to be pleased about that.

DJ goes into the living room as Viper storms in, ranting and rambling up a storm about how things with DJ are moving too fast for him and freaking him out and he breaks up with her. Just like that. And then he leaves. DJ looks all forlorn as Nelson walks in, raving about Kimmy's pie skills (maybe now that he's seen the Gibbler gobble, he might be reconsidering not dating her?) He cuts himself off when he notices that DJ is visibly upset. She tells him that Viper just broke up with her and she never saw it coming. She says that if this was how bad it hurt Nelson when she broke up with him, then she's sorry. Nelson tells her that eventually the pain goes away... but then is replaced by a big empty hollow feeling. Comforting.

Ugh, and naturally, we need to have the obligatory Ug storyline thrust upon us. Danny and Becky are taking Ug and the BlunderTwins Nicky and Alex to the local playground. My, that trio is quite the goof troop, aren't they? Turns out, the playground has been trashed by some hilariously tame vandals who have graffiti'd such diabolical messages as "SOS", "Crazy" and "JoJaxx." Whoa now, how they gonna bring the JoJaxx into this? This is a FAMILY playground. I feel scandalized. Michelle's painful dramatic acting is showcased as she shows her distress by asking Danny if they can go home.

Back at the house, Danny calls to report the vandalism, but unfortunately, there's a wave of it all over San Francisco, so it might be awhile before they get to this rinky dink playground. Apparently, the crew's still at work removing some "Disco sucks" tags downtown... ah, that joke was probably lost on every child watching this ep. Ug and Jesse have a really disgusting conversation regarding "pumping." She says the twins need to learn to pump, and Jesse reiterates the need for all kids to have a place to learn pumping. They're talking about pumping your legs on a swing, but shortening it to simply "pumping" just screams all kinds of wrong. Ew. The guys and Becky decide that they're going to assemble a group of volunteers to clean up the playground for the kids. How do they have time for this shit? Don't they have jobs?

Nelson and the girls return from the street fair. Kimmy is livid that she was disqualified from the pie eating contest or swallowing a fork. Bwah! I don't really see how that's grounds for a DQ, how does swallowing a fork give her an advantage? If anything, I would have automatically declared her the winner. Again, I am an unabashed and avid Kimmy Gibbler fan fo' life, yo! Stephanie won a goldfish and Nelson apparently had to shell out $700 to win DJ a stupid stuffed monkey. Loser. Listen to that whip crack! Nelson blows more smoke up her ass, saying that Viper's a moron for dumping her. She says he's sweet, he says she's pretty, blah blah blah, and they end up kissing. They're not sure what just happened between then, but Nelson proposes dinner Saturday for them to discuss their status. As Nelson suavely backs away, he trips and falls over a tricycle. Bwah! Best moment of the episode right there.

DJ is prepping for her 3rd consecutive date with Nelson, talking about it with Steph when who should come a-knocking on the door, but Viper. He walks in, all manic and rambling again, that he's been walking around like a madman the past 3 days regretting his decision to break up with her. He offers her a single red rose and begs DJ to take him back. Just then, Nelson comes in with a full bouquet of roses, demanding to know what's going on. Viper says he's there to win DJ back and Nelson reminds her that Viper just broke her heart. DJ looks constipated, and confused, and ultimately leaves with Nelson, leaving Viper fuming with Stephanie standing by awkwardly.

Viper stands there pissed wondering what DJ could possibly see in Nelson. He vows to Stephanie that he won't roll over for Richie Rich. Stephanie's just like "Uhhh, okay dude." Seriously man, take the hint and get to stepping. Later that evening, Nelson is dropping off a clearly distracted DJ off at home. Clearly she's preoccupied about the Nelson v. Viper situation. Nelson kisses her goodnight and she walks in to find Viper, STILL THERE, sitting on the couch with a guitar singing a song he wrote for her. They just let him stay there the whole time? How long has it been? Why didn't they kick his ass out?

The song's pretty tight though, and I would totes cream my jeans for Viper at this point, despite his sorta Jheri curl. They run to each other and kiss and who should walk in at that very moment? Why, none other than Nelson, bearing the bouquet of roses DJ accidentally left behind in his limo. Ouch. DJ quickly breaks away from Viper and tells Nelson that it isn't what it looks like. Nelson awesomely quips, "Thank God. It looks like you were kissing." I know Nelson's kinda dweeby, uber short with a mullet, but damn, he's hilarious.

The guys bicker back and forth. Nelson says Viper's a heartbreaker and Viper retorts that Nelson preyed upon DJ at a weak moment when she was vulnerable. DJ can see the points in both of their arguments, but is still too confuzzled and tells them that she needs time to think.

Ugh, back to our annoying Uggerriffic subplot. The whole fam plus some other extras are all pitching in. Joey grabs a hammer that is quickly snatched away by Jesse. Apparently this hammer has been passed down through his family from generation to generation, and he doesn't want Joey anywhere near it. Danny is wandering around clueless about construction so Jesse acts as foreman. This is all really really boring. Joey is also doing nothing but staring through the liquid part of a level until Jesse hits him in the head with something and tells him to get to work. Joey turns on a power saw, and like who's the fucking genius who thought Joey Gladstone was capable of operating heavy machinery? Naturally he manages to saw through Jesse's family hammer, and zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz...

Danny has assembled a see saw that Kimmy and Steph are testing out. Apparently this teeter totter will teeter, but not totter. Kimmy is on the end of the see saw on the ground, and Steph is hanging in the hair. The whole family joins together to push Steph's side down and when they do they send Kimmy flying into a tree. Although this scene merited a small chuckle from me, I hate how the later seasons of FH relied on lame physical gags like this.

Just when this scene can't get any more tedious, Viper and Nelson arrive to pounce on DJ and demand a decision. Nelson pipes up first that he may lack the talent to write and perform a song to tell DJ how he feels, but he has the cash money money to wire the park to play music and hire Frankie Valli to woo her. He begins a serenade of "You're Just Too Good to be True" and awww, this makes me think of Heath Ledger's uber sexy scene in "10 Things I Hate About You." Sadness. Frankie mistakenly begins serenading Becky, until Nelson redirects him towards DJ. Frankie suavely shoves Viper aside.

Viper criticizes Nelson's need to use his money to woo, and Nelson pretty much calls Viper a scumbag and they continue to bicker until DJ FINALLY speaks up and declares she's not a trophy to be fought over and she hates the pressure they're putting on her. If they're going to force her to make a decision, then DJ is going to Kelly Taylor it up and choose herself.

Look, DJ hates Kelly Taylor's slutty ass just as much as the rest of the world. Actually, this episode aired in January 1995, whereas the infamous Kelly-Brandon-Dylan love triangle and resulting "I Choose Me!" aired in May 1995. Meaning that that skank pilfered the line from our very own DJ Tanner and has been getting credit for it in most pop culture references since then. That bitch. You can see DJ's trying to smile, but her face totally reads, "Bitch stole my line!"

DJ is bummed that she let go of two great guys and talks to Becky about it. Becky says that even though Viper and Nelson may both be good guys, but if one of them was truly the right one for DJ, she would have been able to make the decision easily. She wisely advises her to never settle when it comes to dating and matters of the heart, because one day the right man will come. Becky comments how hers did and the camera pans to Jesse playing with Ug and the twins on the swings, and who else but Ug completely ruins the moment by repeatedly yelling, "Pump! Pump! Pump your legs!" Ew. Thanks for scarring me for life, Ug.

"You know what would drive me really, Really wild?" "Painting sad clowns on my toenails?" or Kissing Cousins (7.18)

This definitely ranks as one of my top episodes... in fact, one day I'll get around to listing my top ten FH episodes of all time. Or maybe make a poll out of it.

We begin with Danny practicing the moves he's learned from his new self-defense class. He urges Joey to come at him with a banana gun so that he can practice his disarm/disable maneuver. He ends up smashing the banana on Joey. Just then Uncle Jesse arrives back home from Greece. He flew over there for Papouli's funeral and remarks that it was a wonderful celebration of his life. To top things off, Jesse has returned with a surprise for the family.


It's Cousin Stavros! AKA John Stamos at his most hilarious.

It's time to play hug the cousin. Stephanie and DJ remark that Stavros and Jesse look so much alike that they are definitely related. Stavros scoffs citing that his nose is that "of Greek God. That is nose of cock-a-poo." Stavros says he's got to go check into a seedy motel, and Danny insists that Stavros stay with them at Casa de Tanner, ole! Becky comes in with the kids to greet the returning Jesse, and the boys mistakenly run to Stavros and call him Daddy. Stavros comments that the boys get their looks from their beautiful mother. Becky is at first flattered, then wary, "Why thank you.... who are you?" Jesse explains that when he was 11 and spent the summer in Greece, his cousin Stavros took him in and taught him everything he knows about the birds and the bees, etc. Stavros pipes in that it was actually goats and weasels, and Becky's response? "Goats and weasels? That explains a lot." Dirty! And ew. That sounds like some freaky boudoir behavior.

The next afternoon, Stephanie and Ug come in from taking Stavros sight-seeing around San Fran. Danny asks where they go, expecting to hear them say something like the Golden Gate bridge, and Steph reveals Stavros brought them to the racetrack. Ug whines that she learned to not bet all her tooth fairy money on a horse named Long Shot. File this one under: No shit, Ug. Stavros says he parked Danny's car in front of the little rocket ship out front where dogs go pee pee. After a few seconds of processing, Danny realizes he means his car's in front of a hydrant and rushes out to try to avoid a ticket. For some reason, Joey's sitting down to play cards with himself at the kitchen table and invited Stavros to play a game of Gin. Stavros feigns ignorance about the rules of the game, but ends up hustling Joey out of $20 and his watch, calling it a "friendly game."

The doorbell rings and DJ, Kimmy and Steve answer. It's the pizza delivery guy and Stavros comes in and says he ordered lunch for everyone. They thank him until he grabs the pizza without paying. Claiming he has yet to convert his drachma into US currency, Stavros asks DJ to "be gemstone" and pick up the $20 pizza tab. She does, but is cleaned out and asks if anyone else can get the tip. Kimmy steps in and tells the pizza boy that if you tickler her with a feather duster, she purrs like Catwoman. Eep. The pizza boy is similarly skeeved out. Anywhore, who the hell charges $20 for a small pizza?! What a rip-off! Stavros opens the box and unleashes the unholy smell of lamb guts and double feta cheese on the unsuspecting teens. Where the hell do you find a place that will put lamb guts on a pizza? That sort of accounts for the steep price though... Steve and Kimmy rush out the door citing that Steve's about to hurl.

Just then, Becky comes in from the gym sporting some brightly colored spandex and catches the eye of Stavros. He mutters, "That is HOT," but not quietly enough as Becky totally hears him. She asks him what he said, and Stavros claims he was talking about the cheese on the pizza and says it's so hot, "It's dang near bubbling." Becky uncomfortably cautions him to not burn his mouth and moves into the kitchen with Stavros in hot pursuit. She's got a carrot in hand and he says "Beautiful." Becky awesomely plays this off with "It's just a carrot. He comments on her pleasant aroma and she says that she rubbed some Ben Gay on before leaving the gym. "This Ben, lucky guy." Stavros also adds that she smells "popping fresh" and I mean it, Stamos KILLS it in this episode. Stavros goes in for a sniff and Becky threatens him back off of her with the carrot. Stavros blames it on his nose and lightly raps his shnozz saying, "Bad nose. Bad nose." Becky is understandably creeped out.

The family meets in the living room where they all discuss their experiences with Stavros and determine that he's a conman. Jesse comes in and can't believe what they're saying. He was thinking of asking Stavros to stay longer because he's like a brother to him. Stavros overhears their griping and comes in and apologizes, and returns the money and items he took. He tells them that he has to return to Greece because there was a mudslide that wiped out his entire village. Stavros laments, "If only there was a way to raise funds..." Stephanie suggests a fundraiser. DJ goes one further and says her school did a Dance-a-thon and it made a shit ton of money.

It's Dance-a-thon time. Somehow Steph got roped into dancing with Ug, and by dancing with, I mean, Ug's standing on top of Stephanie's feet, weighing her down. Stavros walks in and promptly removes his plaid sportscoat and awesomely drops it on Michelle's head, temporarily sparing the viewing audience from looking at her ugly mug. And for that I say, Thank you, Stavros. The girls find a one way ticket to Orlando in Stavros' coat pocket and go to DJ, who brings it to Becky. They figure out that the mudslide was another one of his scams, and that by this time tomorrow "Stavros will be cruising the Magic Kingdom trying to get Tinkerbell's number." Rather than tell Jesse, Becky says they have to catch Stavros in the act and prove he's a slimeball.

Becky lures Stavros into some back dressing room and plants a microphone in a bouquet of flowers for her one woman sting operation and puts the seduction on him. Again, another brilliant exchange ensues:
Becky: Let me be Frank...
Stavros: Can I still be Stavros?
B: Last night, I couldn't take my eyes off of you while you ate Spaghettios with your fingers.
S: Spoons are for wimps!

Becky says she wants to run away with Stavros to the kind of place you go to after you win the Superbowl. Stavros is elated and declares it must be Fate "with a big 'F' and a little 'ate'" as he's already booked a ticket to Orlando! He goes in for the smooch and Becky says that she has the feeling they're about to be interrupted any minute. Just then there's a knock at the door, "Man, did I call that?" Unfortunately for Becky it's not Jesse in a jealous rage, but instead UgSnot who snottily tells her she forgot to turn the microphone on. Becky distracts Stavros by telling him his loafers are untied and clicks the microphone on. She convinces Stavros to tell her his plan one more time to really get her blood pumping. Stavros replies, "Ohhh so that's what floats your tuna boat." Is that some sort of Greek sexual slang? He repeats his dastardly scheme, how he fabricated the whole mudslide story and plans to sneak off to Florida, then asks why Becky keeps shoving the bouquet in his face. She replies, "So everyone can hear you!" He discovers he's been set up "A meecrophone!" and tries to make a break for it. He grabs the money, but is stopped by Danny doing some martial arts (nice revisit to the opening segment) and is finally subdued by Danny and Joey.

Jesse tells them to let Stavros go, but not before chastising him with the mother of all guilt trips. He says that Stavros was like a brother to him and asks how he could betray him like this. Stavros' excuse is that he was jealous of Jesse and his wonderful life in America. He sends him packing and apologizes to the crowd, offering to return their money. DJ pipes up that they could donate the funds to another worth cause, like the Children's Hospital. The crowd cheers their approval and the dancing resumes. Man, I wish they could have had Stavros make one more appearance before the show's run ended. Wasted opportunity there.

"I'm too dumb to be scared." or Love on the Rocks (7.19)

Danny is cleaning up a storm in his living room, dusting and pledging and goes so far as to dust his can of Pledge. His obsessive compulsiveness is interrupted by the arrival of Kimmy and her new beau, "Keanu" as she greets him with the most awesome epithet yet, "T-Bag." Heh, surprised that one slipped by the censors. Keanu reveals that his real name is John, but Kimmy prefers to call him Keanu. Danny says his name's not really T-Bag, but Kimmy's just an idiot. DJ and Steve are scrutinizing the movie they just saw, some fictional installment of the Ernest movies, and Kimmy and Keanu are shocked that they actually watched the movie as they just made out the entire time. They call Steve and DJ boring and leave them to sit and be boring. Steve reveals to DJ that his film class professor chose him to go on a class trip to LA because of his critical eye. DJ is bummed because his trip falls over her school break and she was hoping they could spend the time together.

The next morning, the entire family is dragging ass in the kitchen, wondering why they're all so tired. Joey comes in chipper and spouting off "Top o' the mornin' to ya,!" like some deranged leprechaun. Then Becky comes in and says that on her drive to the health club, the radio said it was only 5am. Joey cackles and yells, "April Fool's!" He turned back everyone's clocks and watches in the house. It's not even April, but Joey can never fool them on the actual day, so he decided to strike prematurely. There are a lot of instances on this show where I would kill Joey, but for tampering with my sleep I would literally MURDER his ass.

Later, Kimmy and Keanu try to urge DJ to come to a party with them. But she declines, citing that she promised she'd watch the twins that night and besides, Steve was due to call her from LA that night. DJ's playing with Nicky and Alex and their farm toys and is making some killer goat sounds. Steve calls and she says "Helloooo?" with a bleating goat inflection. Ha. Not really though. Steve's calling from a posh restaurant in Beverly Hills, gushing about the celebrities he's met (like Tom Cruise's dental hygienist (ah, the days where Tom Cruise wasn't a loony parody of himself)), when he's tapped on the shoulder by the uber rude Suzanne Somers. Her bitchy ass asks to use the pay phone because her flip phone died. And rather than be polite and let him use the phone for the all of 5-10 minutes he paid for, her twatty self feels the need to interrupt. She's actually not a bitch in how she asks, but I think the fact that she interrupts to ask at all is bitchy in itself, if that makes any sense. Plus, I hate Suzanne Somers. Steve freaks out, star struck and promptly hangs up on DJ. Miffed that she waited around all night for that pathetic conversation, DJ vows to go out and have fun... starting tomorrow.

The next day, DJ goes hiking up Eagle Mountain with Kimmy & Keanu. DJ is getting freaked out by the heights and asks Kimmy if she's also scared. Kimmy awesomely replies "I'm too dumb to be scared." As she admires Keanu's tush while he climbs to the next level, she nearly falls off the side of the mountain until DJ pulls her back. Kimmy is unfazed by her near brush with death and simply remarks "What a way to go." DJ is too scared and doesn't want to move from the ledge and Kimmy tells her to sack up and face her fears. She does and feels a great sense of empowerment from climbing the mountain.

Later in the week, DJ comes in from being out with Steph and Michelle and sees an irritated Steve sitting at the kitchen table. Apparently he'd been there for 3 hours, waiting. DJ forgot that this was the day he returned home from LA, and Steve gets all assy about how obviously she didn't miss him all that much if his return slipped her mind. And while Steve's being a bit bratty, especially given his phone manners (did he even try to call another time while in LA?), I can't imagine forgetting when a significant other returns from vacation. DJ just says that she's kept pretty busy this week and got her dates crossed. She also mentions the Suzanne Somers incident and Steve accuses her of being jealous of him and Suzanne. That's the last straw for DJ who tells Steve to go home. He says fine, but that he's not going because she said to. He's going because his mother told him not to be late for dinner "and I don't intend to."

The family gathers in the living room to pull their April Fool's joke on Joey. They recorded an earlier lottery drawing and purchased a ticket with those exact numbers and switched that ticket with the one Joey bought. They think they've convinced him he's won and then accidentally toss the ticket in the fireplace. When they reveal the April Fool's joke, he says there was no tape in the VCR, because he took it out to clean it earlier, and then the entire family freaks out and tries to retrieve the ticket from the fire. Joey then calls "April Fool's" on their asses, and this is way too much April Foolery for not even fucking April. Turns out UgSnot labelled the tape in question "Joke on Joey." This is why you don't let fugly little trolls handle even the most menial task, as they always will find a way to fuck things up. Thankfully, the family had a backup plan. As Joey tells them they'll never be able to prank him, he walks through the kitchen door and has a bucket of water dropped on his head. Awesome. I love Joey getting his comeuppance.

In the middle of the night, Danny goes down into the kitchen to find DJ sitting there, unable to sleep. She tells him about her fight with Steve and how she feels like they're no longer on the same wavelength. Danny says that sometimes people start to grow apart and she asks if that's how he felt when him and Vicky broke up. He says it was, and that they need to talk about it. DJ thanks him for the Dad talk and says that they're a lot more enjoyable when she's not in trouble.

The next day, DJ bring Steve to Eagle Mountain to see if he feels the same empowering clarity she felt. All Steve feels like is eating a Chili Dog. DJ sadly tells Steve that it feels like something is missing from their relationship, like someone let all of the air out of it. She says that the heat and connection between them is disappearing, and Steve says that they still have fun together. She says that what he's describing is a friendship, and there's no more romance. She says they'll always be best friends, which pleases Steve as she's the best friend he's ever had.


They break up and DJ asks what do they do now? Steve says they head down the mountain to face the world. DJ hangs back for a minute, and tells Steve she'll be okay, and then looks out into the wide yonder and repeats to herself "I'll be okay." Cheeeeeeeese! Bye Steve! I'll miss your human garbage disposal ass!

"Well, usually that's my idea of a Happy Meal..." or The Perfect Couple (7.13)

No, you're eyes aren't playing tricks on you. It is I, actually updating my blog. I don't have a good reason for neglecting it for so long, but I'm updating now, so yay!

We open with another one of Vicky's weekend visits is coming to an end and as she's leaving, her and Danny keep kissing. Ew. Not sexy. Never fear though, she'll be back next weekend to visit again.

Danny glumly goes into the kitchen and tells Joey that the distance and living visit to visit with Vicky is killing him and that he wants to settle down and begin their life together. Joey, always the sympathetic ear, jokes that he's not ready for that level of commitment, to which I reply, then maybe you should finally move out of his house after 7 fucking years, Gladstone. Danny vows to sit Vicky down during her visit next weekend and set a date for the wedding since they've now been engaged for 6 months.

Joey begins blowing smoke up Danny's ass and complimenting him and builds Danny and Vicky up as the perfect couple and segues into asking him to participate on his new gig, the trial run episode of a game show he's hosting, coincidentally entitled "The Perfect Couple." DJ and Steve are also going to take part as the dating couple and Jesse and Rebecca are going to be the married couple.

Jesse is less than thrilled about being on the show, but Becky thinks it will be fun. He claims he is an enigma and she reveals that she essentially knows everything about him. A few of the Jesse Katsopolis fun facts she reveals: for Christmas he wants the pepper grinder to complete his Elvis kitchen set, his favorite midnight snack is chicken (as he often returns to bed "smelling like the Colonel"), When he gets angry he goes to tune up his Harley. Jesse is miffed that he's so predictable and stomps off in a huff.

Steve comes in to see DJ, excited to be on "The Perfect Couple" which will henceforth be shortened to TPC because I'm lazy. He reveals he's planning on wearing his lucky ring from his Uncle Artie, who also taught him how to juggle... all facts DJ was unaware of up until this moment. DJ panics that she doesn't know anything about Steve and questions what the relationship is based on. Kimmy replies, "You're cute. He has a car. What more is there to know?" Bwah! Score one for the Gibbler. Steve doesn't get why DJ's freaking out, because they love each other, and isn't that enough to build a relationship off of? Remember this when the end of the episode rolls around.

Steph is baby-sitting Nicky and Alex and asserting her authoritay, Eric Cartman style. Stephanie asks them to put on their pajamas and they refuse and start running amok all over the house. Obvs we have UgSnot lurking around to offer her bratty commentary of the situation. Poor Stephanie, can you imagine being left on your own with those 3 demon spawn?

Meanwhile on the set of TPC, the couples nervously prepare for the show. Becky tells Jesse to drink some water because she knows how his throat gets dry when he's nervous. Jesse tries to insist that's untrue, but as he does, his voice catches in his extremely dry throat. For those playing along at home the score reads, Becky: 982354892102, Jesse: 0. Every couple is nervous, that is, except for Danny and Vicky, who's running late. The show's producer has his assistant Estelle step in for Vicky. Estelle is a short stout curmudgeonly old woman sporting a page boy haircut. Cue Joey sporting a ridiculous wig, capped teeth, affected voice and the pseudonym, Joe Stone.

Danny is miffed that he has to participate in the game show with a complete stranger, wondering what Estelle could possibly know about him. She immediately and smartly snaps back, "I know you're a whiner." Bwah! Score one for the stout troll! DJ is equally unenthusiastic, saying theres no point in playing the game because her and Steve are practically strangers. They bicker back and forth and Joey tries to smooth things over, until the producer pulls him aside and tells him the goal of the show is to embarass the couples and instigate arguments.



Joey tries to fan the flames, but DJ has simmered down and exasperatedly asks for Joey to just ask the first question. He obliges and asks Steve: "Which fish does DJ think you would say she kisses like?" Steve incorrectly guesses flounder. Oh snap! DJ's actual answer is that she hopes he'd say angel fish. Steve plays this off awesomely saying, "Oh! Tropical fish are allowed?" Joe Stone pipes in, "Looks like this relationship is floundering!"

Moving on to the old married couple, Joey asks Jesse what Rebecca would say is his obsession. He says that it WAS his hair, but now he has a brand new obsession: proving to Becky that he is unpredictable. She nails it, practically word for word, much to the chagrin of Jesse.

Joe Stone moves onto our "engaged" couple prompting Danny to yelp, "We're not engaged!" He asks what song would Danny most like to hear at their wedding? Estelle rationalizes that because Danny is so high strung and sensitive, like her third husband Bernie, that it would be "Love Will Keep Us Together" which was Bernie's favorite song. Turns out that's Danny and Vicki's song. Again, please note this for later in the episode. Man, re-watching, the anvils, they are a-dropping.

Steph chases the twins all around the house. I beat my head against the wall as Ug steps in to save the day. Turns out that Steph had the colors of the boys' pajamas switched. You know, I liked this story line a lot better when it was Steph bailing out an incompetent Kimmy who was baby-sitting the twins. Trying to recycle an old plot and replacing Stephanie with Ug is a major DOWNGRADE. Because the writers hate us so much, they have Steph beg the wise Michelle for help because she's just so wonderful. The power hungry little Trollsen is energized by her sudden surge of authority and becomes all militant, barking orders at the boys. Oh, how I would have loved them to stage a revolt against the tyrannical UgSnot.

Back at TPC, Estelle is in the process of correctly identifying Danny's recurring nightmare as him being naked on a Stairmaster(TM). Yeesh, sounds like my nightmare... Bob Saget naked anywhere! I keed I keed, he's a sexy piece.

Becky says that she's tired of upsetting Jesse by proving his predictability, so she opts to pass rather than risk once again matching Jesse's answer. Jesse pleads with her to say something, and when they roll the video, we see Jesse saying "Let's see her try and match this: I pass!" Exasperated, Jesse says he gives up, and there's no way to surprise her. Becky says he should look at it as a positive thing that they know each other so well, as it's an integral part of being a loving married couple. They tell Joey to back off.

DJ shmoopily hopes to one day know as much about Steve as Becky and Jesse know about each other. Steve says that every day with her is like Christmas because each new thing he learns about her is like unwrapping a present. Joe Stone comments on the cheesiness of this statement, and DJ says that it's so sweet. They kiss and say eff TPC and go off to "learn" things about each other, wink wink.

Estelle and Danny end up being the Perfect Couple and win a trip to Cabo San Lucas! Sweet! Joey gets the job as the producer cites if he can be this vicious with his own family, imagine the havoc Joey can wreak on strangers! Joey says thanks but no thanks, and turns in his capped teeth and doofy wig.

Vicky rushes in, and way to miss the party there, Vic. She was late because she was in a meeting with the head of the network. Which network? Who knows? Better yet, who cares? She's been offered a job to anchor the network news... in New York. Danny is obviously saddened by the news. Vicky tries to put a positive spin on things, saying that they'll pretty much be the same as how they have been, only with her stationed in New York rather than Chicago. Danny laments that he doesn't want things to stay the same, he wants things to get better and closer. He tells her that he wanted to sit down and set a date for the wedding. Vicky tries to stay upbeat, and says they just need to wait a little longer. Danny sadly replies that he can't do that, because it hurts too much. Aww is anyone else's heart breaking? Just a little bit? Vicky unrealistically suggests that Danny moves to NY. He tells her that he can't uproot his entire family and that everyone he cares about is on the west coast... that is, everyone but Vicky. Vicky says she can't give up her dream and Danny says he can't ask her to give up her dream, so he'll give up his. They break up and admit that love isn't enough. Thud. There's that anvil that's been falling all episode long.

Damn, teary-eyed Bob Saget is really tugging at my heartstrings.

Back at the house, Danny is sitting alone by the fire as Christmas carols play. Shit, it's fucking Christmastime and he just broke off his engagement? Poor Danny! The girls come in and try to cheer Danny up. Well, DJ and Stephanie do. All Ug does is offer him a tuna melt. DJ and Steph tell him that they'll miss Vicky too, but also say they've been getting along fine without a mother thus far and even though it hurts, they still have each other. The brokenhearted father embraces his three daughters over the swelling music of "The First Noel" in the background.

There, now I've gotten everyone in the holiday spirit. I'll try to be much better with updates in the future. Promise!

"At the end of the second period, the score's 4-4..." "That's a tie!" or Nice Guys Finish First (6.9)

Tee hee, this episode is #9 in Season 6, making it's call number 6.9. Tee hee. Yes, I'm twelve.

DJ's finally starting driving lessons around the block with Danny. They return to the house and he's visibly shaken. When my Dad did driving lessons with me, his rage left me shaken. God, I hated learning to drive with my Dad. UgTwat being the little idiot that she is, is freaking out scared of the Norwegian Goat Boy. It's piss-poor story lines like this that show how far the writers would go to center an episode around Michelle. I mean, seriously? Norwegian Goat Boy?

Becky comes in with the twins to listen to Jesse and Joey's radio show... like they actually give a fuck. The Rush Hour Renegades and the radio station are giving away ice to callers in honor of the fact that Joey is playing in a charity hockey game. Their guest this afternoon is Hershel Binkley, the opposing goalie of the other team. Turns out that ol' Hershel is a familiar face from Joey's past. He pulls out a chintzy plastic hockey goalie's mask that has a red brick pattern painted on it. Back when they knew one another, Hershel went by the moniker of "Stonewall" and he was Joey's rival when he played hockey in college because he apparently stopped Joey's potential game-winning goal. And like seriously? First, isn't stopping pucks sort of part of a goalie's job? I don't see how that's some great embarrassment for Joey. Second, how old is this guy that he's still desperately clinging to this moment? Thirdly, with a name like Hershel, is he really one to make fun of anyone? And lastly, I really hate this massive tool because he's making me defend Joey. I need to pump some "You Oughta Know" and take a scalding hot shower to wash away my shame.

Um anyway, Joey acts like a total pussy and backs down from all of Stonewall's jaw-jacking. Jesse tries to come to his defense, but Stonewall leaves all smug and triumphant. Again, this guy is like mondo pathetic. I can't stand those jockstrap types who can't let go of their glory days. Later, the family all goes ice skating together and we learn that Danny's practically a professional figure skater. His stunt double launches into a fancy jump, and Danny sheepisly claims he's a little rusty citing "I hardly got any height on that double axle." And this is why I love Danny Tanner, he got a bad rap as a total uptight toolbag, but he's got some great one-liners. And a secret past as a figure skater? Brilliant! The family all joins hands to play "Crack the Whip" and it's at this point that I wonder, who the hell is watching Nicky and Alex? Better question, why do I care? Jesse is less than skilled on his skates and goes flying off the end of the line and into the wall of the rink. Bwah!

Who should interrupt this happy family moment than friggin' Stonewall. He begins chastising Joey again, and Danny reads my mind and asks Stonewall "Is your life so pathetic and empty that you need to live in the past?" To his credit, Stonewall actually answers "Well... yes." Joey finally tires of all the teasing and breaks his stick over his knee. Michelle looks scared, I laugh. I sure hope that wasn't Joey's only hockey stick.

Danny is prepping DJ for her first time on the free way. He asks her to define the lanes and she does as such: The left lane is "the entirely too fast lane", the second lane is "the still entirely too fast lane" and the right lane is "for geeks and nerds." Heh. True dat. Danny is less than pleased with her assessment, and DJ assures him that she is happy to be a geek and nerd, and to drive in the slow lane so long as it allows her to drive outside of their neighborhood. Michelle, meanwhile, is still pissing and moaning about the freaking Goat Boy! Seriously writers, give it up! Stop trying to thrust Ug into the spotlight of every episode, it's just non sequitur at this point! My favorite obnoxious neighbor and yours, Kimmy Gibbler stops by not only to fan the flames of Ug's idiotic fears, but also tacks on the tale of the Muttman. Although I loathe the attention being wasted on Michelle, I must say that at least she's being tortured, so it makes it a little more tolerable. Christ, now she's whining about being afraid of Joey as he's getting all pumped up for the game. He promises to not be scary and God, I am SO over this catering to a 6 year old.

Finally it's time for the charity Hockey game. The play by play is being broadcast on the guys' radio station with the painful commentary of the anti-jock, Jesse Katsopolis. He hasn't the slightest grasp on the rules of hockey and his play-by-play is hilarious but quite uninformative. The game's getting rough and Joey goes to punch Stonewall in his porky mouth, but then looks at UgTwat making her "I just smelled a turd" face which is supposed to convey fear, and he releases his grip and skates away. Jesse totally calls him out on his pussiness. At this point, Becky thankfully steps in to take over the commentary. She grew up with a lot of brothers and knows her shit. The buzzer goes off and a mystified Jesse asks "Did someone pull the fire alarm?" Haha, Jesse's ignorance is cracking me up. At this point, Michelle has the balls to tell Joey he's playing like a weenie, and he says he won't play like a meanie, but is it okay if he plays like an in-betweenie. I shit you not, this grown ass man is lowering himself to bargaining with a 6 year old about how aggressively he can play a hockey game using the most ridiculous rhyming lingo that's making my ears bleed and soul die. If I roll my eyes any harder, I might strain something and need to up my contact lens prescription.

So Joey's now playing in in-betweenie mode and Becky notes that somebody lit a fire under Joey's ass, but in more PG rated terminology. Time's running out and Joey is on a breakaway, but someone on the opposing team hooks his skates and pulls him down. Time expires and Jesse thinks the game's over, but Becky corrects him that Joey is entitled to a penalty shot. Becky over-dramatics, "It all comes down to this." Jesse, not wanting to be left out adds on, "This... is what it all comes down to." Bwah! Joey takes the shot and naturally makes it. Becky screams "Do you believe in miracles?" Um, I don't really think Joey's winning goal in some podunk charity game really compares to the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team's triumph over the Soviet Union, but to each their own. Stonewall looks utterly dejected and you just know that that pathetic loser went home and killed himself. He probably sliced his wrists open on his skates because his non-professional hockey career was the only thing he had going for him in his miserable life.

Joey celebrates by skating around the ice with Michelle hoisted on his shoulders. Ew, I won't even comment about him having Ug's twat rubbing all up on the back of his neck. Nasty. Man, I don't even know why I chose to recap this episode. It was completely focused on Joey and Michelle, the two most loathsome characters, and it brought out a lot of hostility in me. Next time, I'll do a more fun, fluffier episode that generates less hateful snark.

"Look Joey we caught our first fish, a big-mouth Gibbler" or The Last Dance (7.17)

Holy hell the Milkman has been resurrected from her dormant state. I truly apologize to all of my faithful readers who may have been constantly checking for new updates and were inevitably disappointed each and ever time. I deeply apologize for my unscheduled hiatus, let's just say there was a lot of personal drama, heartache, mean girls, problems at the office and just a whole bunch of shit that compiled together and dropped me into a blogless funk. But, I just ate a shit ton of the new kickass Volcano Tacos(c) from Taco bell and polished off my 2 liter of Coke, so I'm all wired and ready to mock the hell out of a certain fug troll known as Michelle Tanner. Ironically enough, I'm making my return with one of the most legitimately sad episodes, but rest assure, the shitty acting of the Olsen twins results in much mockery. This is also my first recap from Season 7... expect lots of anecdotal segues.

The family is in the kitchen stuffing grape leaves in preparation for the arrival of Grandpa "Papouli" Katsopolis. I do love any episode about the Greeks as the traditions they reference bring back memories of my childhood. For instance, the stuffed grape leaves, which subsequently I hated. I'd probably like them a lot more now if I tried them as in more recent years I've become a lot more adventurous in what I put in my mouth (yes, that sounds dirty, but I'll allow it), but I don't have the most pleasant memories of eating them as a youngun. DJ's on her way to the mall to buy the coolest pair of sunglasses. She begins describing them,



just as Kimmy comes in wearing the same exact pair! Oh snap! This results in a little tiff as DJ's pissed because apparently she called "dibs" on them. Hey, you snooze you lose, Deej. I was shopping with my friends for a Playboy mansion themed party a few weeks back and my friend who's about 30lbs heavier than I am picked up a corset I'd already tried on and decided to buy and demanded that I put it back because she wanted it. I'm a stubborn asshole, so I said hell to the no, and bought that bitch. Besides, it wouldn't have fit her anyway. Not being mean, it's just totally true.

Jesse comes home with Papouli and Papouli has the damndest time identifying his great granddaughters. He guesses them all wrong, and when they correct him cheerfully replies "Of course you are!" It's pretty cute, I love the old guy playing Papouli. UgTwat is extremely rude and disrespectful making comments such as "You have no idea who any of us are!" and when Papouli says "Who could forget Rebecca?" she snots, "I bet you could." Like seriously? I know it's supposed to be "funny" but who the fuck was ever allowed to speak to their elders like that? So he can't remember their names, he's met them what? Twice? I so wanted someone to smack Michelle down or scold her for speaking to Papouli like that, but of course, no one does. Unfuckingbelievable.

More Greek food name-dropping, this time Moussaka! Mmm, I haven't have Moussaka in so long, I should ask my mom to make some. But, I'd probably be better off going to the Greek Cafe downtown. My mom's kind of out of practice with executing Greek recipes. DJ whines about her feud with Kimmy and Papouli tries to tell her a Greek fable and she pretty much blows him off. Where did these girls learn their manners? Fucking A! Papouli and the girls appear to be moving a lot of flour around on the kitchen table, perhaps in preparation to make some Kourabiedes (which, btw, I spelt right without aid of a dictionary, (insert self-congratulatory pat on back of shoulder))? Papouli wipes flour on their noses and cheeks and this launches a full-on flour fight. They yell "Opa!" and I can't help but notice that my, that's an awful lot of flour they got there. Jesse comes down and acts like a stiff and comments that they're making a mess, but he eventually loosens up and joins the fun.

In the living room, Papouli is teaching Ug how to dance. He tries to get Jesse to, but again he acts like a poop and says that someone has to clean up the mess in the kitchen. He claims he doesn't dance to which Papouli replies, "If you're Greek, you dance." To which I reply, only when I'm hammered or I don't think anyone is watching. But allow me to reference Jesse's future attempt at dancing in a genie themed rap video for "Forever" and say that the Jess man is seriously lacking in the rhythm department. Papouli's pretty much the cutest thing ever, teaching them a lesson about Greek pride and explaining that the reason they dance is because they can't contain their happiness. Ug asks Papouli if he'll come with her to show and tell to teach her class the Greek dance (they literally refer to it as "The Greek Dance") and he agrees and she says "I love you, Papouli." Oh sure, you sass him all day for his poor memory and then when he agrees to do something for you, you love him. What a little shitkicker.

As we transition overnight, the background music becomes a sad Greek instrumental. We see the entire family gathered around the kitchen table the next day, all somber with red, teary eyes. Ruh roh. I remember watching a rerun of this episode in college with my hardcore/goth/industrial/hardass roommate, and at this point she became all verklempt and tearful. It's hard for me to snark on any of them because they're really selling the sadness. Especially Jesse who says he feels helpless and guilty... he must be reaching back to his days as Blackie Parrish on "General Hospital." Jesse fights through the pain and tears and refuses to let the rest of the family help him make any funeral arrangements. Just then, Ug comes home all smiley and hideous from her Honeybee meeting. Because her head's so far up her ass, she fails to immediately notice that the family's all dressed in black and on the verge of tears. Finally she surmises "Something's wrong..." Uhhh, ya think? Seriously, is she the world's biggest idiot or what? Don't answer that, I think we all know that's the case.

Danny gently informs her that Papouli died in his sleep the night before and with absolutely zero emotion or inflection, Ug deadpans "What?" and continues in her monotone "No. He's not dead." I shit you not, the flatness with which she delivers the lines is completely laughable and ridiculous. It completely takes you out of the scene. Why didn't they have an acting coach work with those trolls to invoke some semblance of emotion. Gaaa this shit is painful. Michelle then takes the fug craft she made at her Honeybee meeting for Papouli and smashes it on the ground. Ohhh...kay. Man, she's a little shit.

Up in their shared room, Stephanie goes to talk to Ug and emphasizes the importance of staying strong for Uncle Jesse. She says they can't let him see them cry and advises her that whenever she feels sad to imagine Joey stuffing an entire donut in his mouth. Methinks that would make me sadder. Just then, Jesse comes in to check on the girls and Ug has this psychotic fake smile plastered on her face. My, she's a little freak.

The next day, Danny tells Jesse that Papouli's death made him realize how short and precious life is, so he went out and bought a boat which he named Papouli. They have a really manly brotherly embrace, and my heartstrings, they are being a-tugged. Jesse fights back the tears, and I wish to God this show had some continuity and that we ever saw this boat again. On a random shallow note, Stephanie has been sporting some truly awful and horrendous braids all episode. The braids are too far forward, as in they are braided over her ears and with Jodi Sweetin's awkward tween features it's... not a good look. I'll just chalk it up to this being her "mourning hair."

Kimmy comes over to offer her condolences to DJ and Deej finally realizes the point of Papouli's story and there are apologies all around. Hooray! Friends again. Those sunglasses were fug anyway, ladies!

Jesse, meanwhile, receives a phone call from Michelle's school because apparently the little troll never showed up to school. As if Jesse doesn't have enough on his plate to worry about, he has a mild panic attack wondering where the little fugnasty went. He sees her hiding in the boat and catches her by her grubby little hand by leaving out a chocolate pudding lure. Jesse and Michelle talk and she says that if she acts sad and cries, then she can't be strong for Jesse. He asks where she got the idea that she needed to be strong from, and she totally throws Steph under the bus. Jesse says that what Stephanie told her was wrong and that he'll "have a talk with her about it." Way to go, UgTwat.

Michelle whines that Papouli was supposed to come with her to school that day to teach the dance to her class and she was afraid that if she went and he wasn't there, she'd be sad. Jesse tells Ug that she should always show her feelings and Michelle's all "I loved Papouli. I was his Little Michelle." Jesse replies, "I was his Little Jesse." The undertones of that which I read are "I was really his favorite as he knew me way longer and actually could put a name to my face, so back the fuck up on this sadness because this is MY bag, troll!" And like seriously, this was the second time she ever met him. Get over it, Michelle. Attention whoring little shit. Jesse is much bigger than I am and says that it's okay to be sad and Ug asks, "Uncle Jesse, is it okay to cry?" Oh my GOD, the acting by whatever Olsen this is in this scene is KILLING ME. I am now deader than Papouli after being subjected to this drivel. Why couldn't they have done these scenes with Stephanie? He says "You bet" and they cry and hug and I die a little more inside.

Jesse brings Michelle to school and drops her off. She attempts to show her class the Greek dance, but only remembers the first step. Seriously? God she sucks at all aspects of life. Luckily, sexy brooding Uncle Jesse was still lurking nearby, and he comes in and saves the day and they Greek dance their pants off.

This episode is actually pretty good, and the entire family besides Michelle is really great and convincing in their grief, so I wish they'd gone a different route than the typical UgCentric episode. Apologies again to all the readers (that is, if you all didn't abandon ship during the lengthy hiatus)- I promise to be better in the future.

"Do I have the biggest part?" "No... but you have the biggest mouth." or The Play's the Thing (6.8)

Stephanie and Ug come in all melancholic because the school is planning to cancel the first grade play "America the Beautiful" because there's no parent volunteer to coordinate and run things. Stephanie's bummed because she was supposed to be the choreographer for the show, and Ug is upset because without this play, she's robbed of yet another chance to make herself the center of attention. Danny's all set to step in, but unfortunately his work schedule makes it impossible for him to do so. Along with the girls, he manages to instead rope Jesse and Joey into taking the reigns.

Becky's running around like a maniac because she has a million things to do and is bogged down with her demon twins. Danny offers to watch the boys while she runs her errands and shops. She comes back with some dinky model trains for Nicky and Alex, but is dismayed when she sees that Danny beat her to the punch and already purchased two bigger and better trains, I'm talking these are ones you can ride. Danny makes a tunnel between his legs, and I must say there is something really uncomfortable about watching these young boys in such close proximity to Danny's crotch. Becky's obviously starting to get jealous of Danny's time with the boys and his far superior presents. Shut up, Becky.

Up in the girls' room, Steph is helping UgSnot rehearse "Yankee Doodle." And words can't even do justice to how horrific a Yankee Doodle Ug is. She is completely tone deaf, without any sense of rhythm and the hideous troll face makes blood stream out of my eyes and ears. Apparently both Stephanie and DJ were Yankee Doodle in their respective hey days so Michelle thinks she's a shoo-in, completely disregarding the fact that in their younger years, Steph and Deej were absolutely adorable and talented little girls. Unfortunately for all of the other children hoping to try their luck, Jesse and Joey blow smoke up Ug's ass and essentially guarantee her the part.

Now it's time for the auditions. Aaron, the loudmouthed brat in Michelle's class, is true to his form and very very loud in his rendition of "Yankee Doodle." Ug does her tone deaf thing, all the while with a shit-eating grin because she thinks she has this shit in the bag. The personal highlight of these terrible auditions for me is this little Asian girl who simply stands there, refusing to sing who finally says "I never liked this song." Bwah! I hear ya, sister! Just when Michelle thinks she has this whole thing wrapped up, the guys and Steph notice one little boy sitting off to the side who had yet to audition.

Cue SuperFlamer Derek! I know he's only a little kid here, but I don't think there was ever a more flamboyant child than Derek S. Boyd. He requests the song played in the key of E and pretty much blows all of the other kids (not like that! Pervs!) including Michelle out of the water and secures the lead role as Yankee Doodle. The look on Michelle's face is priceless, and I relish in the joy of one of the few moments where that little shit does not get her way.

Back at the Tanner household, Danny's spending more and more time with Nicky and Alex. Becky's jealousy exhibits itself in some bona fide textbook passive aggressive behavior. Michelle is also stomping around the house pissed off and bitter that the better man got the part she so coveted. DJ volunteers her and Steve to attend "America the Beautiful" which Steve is against. He's naturally less than thrilled about the prospect of wasting precious moments of his life watching some idiotic first grade play. DJ gets mad at him for this... but like, seriously, she's not even having sex with him so does she really expect him to just roll over and submit himself to this kind of torture?

Becky's on the hunt for her boys and finds them taking a bath... with their Uncle Danny.

EW!


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Okay, I think I've recovered. Seriously, the levels of inappropriate behavior Danny reaches in this episode put him in a category with Michael Jackson and R. Kelly. I mean, thankfully he has his swim trunks on, but is it normal for parents/guardians to join their children in the bath? I mean, the twins aren't exactly infants at this point, they're definitely toddlers. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Becky's mad because she wanted to give them their bath and Danny says it's no problem and Becky finally blurts out, "No Danny. It IS a problem." She tells him that she wants him to back off (in a somewhat nicer way) and all is resolved with a hug a smile and some touching instrumentals.

Jesse and Joey go to cater to UgSnot. Even though she doesn't get to be Yankee Doodle, they've created a special role for her (Why? Aren't there enough parts to go around without having to give her special treatment YET AGAIN?!?!) Anywhore, they've cast Ug as Lady Liberty, it entails her saying like 2 lines introducing Yankee Doodle, thankfully NOT singing and predominantly standing there looking fug. Whatever Olsen is bratting their way through this scene totally flubs her lines. J&J pretty much tell her that not everyone can be lead singer in a band and emphasize the importance of the backup support, using the Rippers' bass player Lanny as an example.

It's time for the shit-tastic "America the Beautiful" which, for some reason, Steve ended up getting roped into going, and it's pretty much your typical painful to watch kids' play. Derek gets stagefright and is cowering in the wings until he gets a peptalk from the one and only Ug, and when he comes out and sings, he makes it all about Ug. Yes, that's right. Once again, Michelle weasels her way into the limelight. On that note, I'm going to run head first into a wall to erase the painful memory of this promising episode away.

"Oh girls, you like fresh baked cookies, don't you?" "We prefer store-bought." or Trouble in Twin Town (6.7)

We open on the set of WUSF where some ugly ass old twins are playing polka to hype up the upcoming Twin Expo which is being hosted by none other than Danny. Meanwhile, his lady love Vicki is traveling with the Chicago Bears to Green Bay. Wow, pretty obvious who got the short end of the career stick. Jesse stops by the set to meet up with Becky, who tells him that her annoying cousin Dick and wife Donna are coming into town. Jesse starts to whine, because apparently they're snooty douchebags.

Back at the house, Stephanie is lamenting her boy problems to DJ. Apparently there's this boy in her class named Jimmy who keeps giving her noogies and pulls her hair. Isn't Steph at an age where this behavior's a little passe. Like 5 year olds pull hair, I would think there would be serious reprimands for a 10 or 11 year old boy laying his hands on a girl. DJ theorizes that Jimmy's doing all of these shenanigans because he has a thing for Steph and suggests that she call him.

Dick, Donna and their daughters Debbie and Darla arrive. Dick is played by Mark Linn-Baker who portrayed Coosin (sic) Larry on "Perfect Strangers" "Standing Taaaaaall on the wings of my dream!" For some unexplainable reason, I used to love that show. Ah, remember the days before VH1's "The Surreal Life" exposed Bronson Pinchot as a nasty perv? Anywhore, Dick and Donna are totally snobby assfaces, and Dick is one of those assholes who says insulting things and then tags on a disclaimer that it's a "small joke" as if that somehow makes it okay. Reminds me of this total bitchface at work, who is a snooty rude insulting bitch who claims she was "just kidding, like oh my God can't you take a joke?" whenever you get pissed off at the nasty shit she says. Man, I hate that bitch. Anywhore, Dick and Donna are in town to parade their daughters around in the twin expo and

Steph reports back to DJ how her phone call to Jimmy went. DJ asks if he likes her and Steph says "Close. He hates my guts." He pretty much threatened a restraining order if she ever calls him again. Bwah. DJ tries giving Stephanie more tips on Wooing Boys 101. If you catch a guy staring at you and you smile and he fixes his hair, it either means that he's totally into you or... it means nothing at all. Wow, riveting stuff Deej, look out Dr. Laura!

Haw haw! They stuck Ug with the duty of entertaining the bratty twins. They ask if she has a laser disc player, ha! Oh the early 90s! I remember watching "Stargate" on Laserdisc. Never really got into that whole fad, I was strictly VHS until DVD's took over. Debbie and Darla have a back-up plan, they packed their videogames! Sega Gamegears to be exact! They're playing "Ballerinas of Death" which sounds like 10 kinds of awesome. Ug whines, "When can I have a turn?" and the twins excellently reply "When you buy one!" Zing. Twins 1, Ug 0.

Jesse, Becky, Dick and Donna return from Dinner where Jesse says he "ate so much lobster, [he's] sweatin' buttah!" Cousin Dick smartly replies, "Gee, I hope you didn't ruin your best t-shirt." Those Nebraskan Donaldson's are douches, but damn if they're not hilarious with their biting quips. Joey brings the twins in to their parents, and asks if it's okay that he made them ice cream sundaes. Donna asks Debbie and Darla, "What do you say?" and they reply that the sundaes "would have been better with hot fudge." I'm inclined to agree because without the fudge, it's not really a sundae, is it? Donna does appear to be the only member of the family who is somewhat gracious and polite. Dick and Donna then inform Becky that her ex Doyce just got married. Seriously? "DOYCE"??!! WTF kind of name is that?

Dick and Jesse are left alone and Jesse cuts right to the chase, that he knows Dick doesn't like him. Dick says au contraire mon fraire, he would like Jesse if he was an acquaintance, he would like him if he was his waiter or even his mechanic, but as a brother in law... they always imagined Becky would end up with "better." Better than the Stamos? Impossible! Jesse says that he's not Dick's acquaintance or waiter, and if he was his mechanic, he'd have brake trouble. And furthermore, Jesse is going to enter Nicky and Alex in the Twin Expo and kick the crap out of Debbie and Darla.

At the Twin Expo, Stephanie meets some hunky twins, Andrew and Thomas. She catches them checking her out and when she smiles, they begin fixing their hair! They pass the test! She saunters over to work her Stephanie Tanner charm. Cockblock alert! Apparently Andy and Tommy boy only like doing things with other twins. So Stephanie creates a twin sister for herself, Bethany, and uses DJ's accessories to pull off the switcheroo. Unfortunately, Stephanie is unable to keep track of what costume is her and what is Bethany and comes clean. The boys start to fight over her until she says there's enough Steph to go around. Slut!

Twin Expo shenanigans. There's some slutty blondes whom Steve really digs, Debbie and Darla read an abysmal poem, and Nicky and Alex come out dressed as Elvis impersonators. Yeah... Just as Danny's about to announce the winners, he takes a phone call from his precious Vicki. That's professional. Apparently she's not the only one in the Bears locker room that wears heels. This episode sucks so let's just cut to the chase, Nicky and Alex win the Twin Expo, Jesse gets to shove it in Dick's face (hee, that was a fun sentence).

The Coolest Birthday Present Everrrr!

Look what my sister sent me in the mail for my birthday!!!

SICK!!!

When I stop being a lazy bum and have my scanner hooked up, I'll treat you all to all of the early 90s cheesy fashion goodness (in paperdoll form)!

Hahaha, this is seriously one of the BEST Bday gifts everrrr! Thanks Big Gal Al!

Now to get my drank on!

"Huey, Dewey and Louie remind you of Steve." or House Meets the Mouse (6.23 and 6.24)

Okay okay okay, I know that I've been a total slagass about updates, but you can't get mad at me because TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! Woooo! I took the night off of work and promise to blog away. And since it's my birthday I can do whatever freaking recap I want, so without further adieu, one of the most requested recaps and two of my most favorite episodes, the Tanners' two part trip to Disney!

Jesse has a gig booked to perform a concert in the Magic Kingdom of Disneyland and plans to broadcast his radio show from there, and the whole family, plus Kimmy, is tagging along. Because, really? Are the Tanners capable of doing ANYthing on their own without the crutch of their extended family?

Once they get there, Danny's got an anal retentive itinerary worked out for the whole family which they promptly reject in favor of doing their own thang. DJ misses Steve like whoa almost immediately, and part of me wants to snark and make fun, but part of me recalls how utterly codependent I was for my high school boyfriend when we were separated for a week. In fact, funny story about my ex-boyfriend and Disney. He went to celebrate New Year's Eve in Disneyworld with his douchebag loser friend and his friend's family, and he was arrested for shoplifting trying to procure a souvenir for me. Quite the prince, eh? So, he had to spend a night in Disney jail (yes, there is such a thing) and was banned from most of the park. I remember his mother calling me and saying "Something happened in Florida, you need to call Jeff" (Yeah, I'm using his name, what of it? I'm sure he'll never read this) So I'm freaking out and finally get him on the phone and he's blubbering like a baby. He comes home, sans souvenir for me ("They took your present back" Yeah, because it was STOLEN) and bragging about it to his friends. We broke up like a month after that. Eh, that wasn't a great story, but I'm sure you've all missed my semi-random tangents.

So anyway, DJ is whining to her sisters and Kimmy about missing Steve and imagines that she sees him everywhere. The girls are lined up to rub Aladdin's lamp in hopes of becoming Princess for the Day, henceforth known as PftD. Stephanie is next up and UgSnot cuts in front of her and naturally, rubs the lamp and makes the Genie appear, granting her the title of PftD. I don't think I need to tell you that Princess Michelle is the biggest cunt to her sisters, and brats it up all over the Magic Kingdom. DJ, Kimmy and Steph tire of Ug's bossiness and are talking smack about her and possibly plotting her demise. Ug overhears and in true shitkicker form, runs away to teach them a lesson.

Meanwhile, the patriarch of the fam is stressing out because he's trying to propose to his curly haired vixen Vicki, but all of his attempts are derailed by ridiculous interruption after interruption.

Becky and the twins feel neglected by Jesse who's busy with band rehearsals and his radio show. I don't know why Becky's pissing and moaning about it so much because what did she expect? This wasn't a vacation for pleasure, it was a business trip.

Joey goes to meet up with one of his friends who's a Disney animator and when left to his own devices, doodles a cartoon Joey who comes to life and chit chats with real life Joey. Whoa, where'd you score the peyote in the Magic Kingdom, Gladstone?

Danny is having dinner with Vicki in a restaurant that is apparently underwater, and as he's about to get all romantical, Jesse and Joey come a tap tap tapping on the window. They're conducting their radio show from an underwater bubble station. At the conclusion of the show, Jesse's about to surface to meet Becky for a romantic picnic, until Joey points out that there's a shark in the tank with them. If memory serves, it's just a Nurse Shark, who is a common resident in most aquarium tanks and is of no threat to people (although most sharks don't pose a threat to people unless provoked or the person places themselves in a most idiotic position (I watch a lot of Shark Week)).

Becky is waiting for Jesse with the picnic, and Chip and Dale (Rescue Rangers! (Man, their names are a helluva lot funnier now that I'm older and know what Chippendale's is)). She ends up offering up the contents of the basket to the chipmunks and stomps off.

Michelle's having a tea party with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, kicking it while her entire family is freaking out going insane looking for her. But, seriously? What are they so worked up over? Just count your blessings and hightail it the fuck out of there before that little troll comes crawling back. Danny and Vicki find her, that whore Snow White ratted her out! Danny at least sort of puts Ug in her place, telling her to stop bratting it up and they take her back with them, much to the delight of all Seven Dwarves.

Jesse finally arrives late to the picnic and finds Chip and Dale have devoured his lunch. He rushes back to the hotel and finds Becky who looks miffed. He serenades her to apologize and naturally, she melts like buttah.

Danny brings the girls to take in the awesome Indiana Jones attraction, where they mercilessly tease him about proposing to Vicki. Of course, DJ imagines that Indiana Jones is Steve, and when he gets "run down" by the giant rolling boulder, she jumps out of her seat and cries out and looks like a major tool. I'm embarrassed for her. Apparently Michelle hasn't learned anything and is still twatting it up all over Disney, so Stephanie feigns fatigue and asks to go back to the hotel. I think Ug's face is supposed to convey her guilt, but she just looks constipated.

Back at the hotel, DJ laments that she's once again imagining Steve, this time at the check out desk. But, this time it's not just DJ being crazy. Kimmy verifies that it really is the one and only human garbage disposal, Steve! In one of the most awesome FH moments ever, as DJ and Steve run towards one another in romantical slow-motion, Steve gets tripped up on his duffel bag and totally bites it!

Joey tries to confront Stephanie to get to the root of what's bothering her. Stephanie finally blurts out "I'm sick of her always getting her own way!" You and me both, Steph. Joey then waxes philosophical and dances around the real issue at hand, that Ug is a monstrous brat and says that Stephanie is really angry because she cheated herself out of having fun because she was mad at Michelle. Um, what about the fact that Michelle cut Stephanie in line. Yeah, Stephanie could have still tried to make the most of it, but let's not excuse Ug's continuous shithead behavior! Joey asks how Stephanie felt when she thought Michelle was missing. Ecstatic? Yes, but Steph lies and tells Joey she was "scared." Suuuure.

It's time for Michelle's final wish as PftD. She wishes to make Stephanie happy and let her be princess for the rest of the day. She says "I thought how you should have been princess anyway." Funny how you wait until the end of the fucking day to show this gesture of goodwill. Snow White says that because Michelle was so "unselfish" she, along with the entire Tanner clan, gets to ride in the parade. Are you fucking shitting me? She only was PftD because she cut her sister in line, acted like an entitled bossy brat the entire fucking day, and then at the last minute relinquishes her title to her sister and they qualify that as unselfish? Snotty piece of shit. God I hate Michelle!

So the entire family rides in the parade, la dee dah, and the culmination of the trip is Jesse and the Rippers performing at Cinderella's castle. Snow White fills in as Joey's co-DJ for the radio show. Jesse wishes Becky a happy anniversary, and oh, I guess that's why she wanted to spend so much time together. Way to try and mix business and pleasure there, Jess. Jesse then launches into a sexified version of "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." Danny finally proposes to Vicki in fireworks form and naturally she accepts, but *SPOILER* they never actually make it down the aisle.

Sorry I've been MIA for so long, but Happy Birthday to me, and Happy Belated Birthday to John Stamos, who turned 45 on Tuesday!

The Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget...

Was awesome! I hope that you all got a chance to check it out!

I suck.

Will blog soon.

Promise.

"Mommy! I'm chafing again!" or Yours, Mine and Ours (5.21)

Ahh and now we're full swing into Nick and Alex mode. Becky and Jesse have been reduced to a squabbling old married couple constantly bickering on their different ideas about child-rearing. Mainly, Becky's way paranoid and overprotective, whereas Jesse's a bit more cavalier in his parenting tactics. Danny suggests an evening of Tanner Family Fun at a pirate themed restaurant. When he invites the new parents along, Jesse accepts and Becky declines citing it's the height of cold and flu season. Squabble squabble squabble.

The rest of the clan reluctantly traipses to the nautically themed restaurant and none of them want to be there. DJ's embarrassed to be out somewhere so lame and worries that she might be seen by some of her peers (although, I would argue that by being there themselves, her classmates lose any rights to mock her). Joey doesn't eat seafood, UgSnot yearns for chocolate cake, and Stephanie opts for the most expensive thing on the menu, The Sunken Treasure.

At the house, Jesse returns back from picking up some pizza with a bald-headed twin in tow. Becky freaks out that he took one of the babies out in the cold without a hat quotes her mother that "A hat on the head keeps a child out of bed." The each call their respective mothers to complain about the other's wacked parenting techniques and then switch phones. Mrs. Donaldson also teaches Jesse that "A scarf on the throat goes great with a coat." The phone switching continues and results in Jesse insulting Becky's mother. Jesse covers his ass and they end up putting Irene and Mrs. Donaldson's phones together and letting them squawk at one another.

Becky and Jesse then imagine what Nicky and Alex will be like when they're older if each continues parenting the way they have been. Nicky, raised by lenient Jesse turns out to be a biker rebel sporting some fierce long dark curly locks. Alex, coddled by Becky, is a chess-playing geeky mama's boy. The best part of it all is that Jesse is balding and has hair plugs, which Nicky mocks prompting a wounded Jesse to meekly ask, "You can tell I have plugs?" To which Nicky retorts "Only when I look at you!" Back to present day, Becky and Jesse remark how scary the prospective future is. Becky's talking about the way Nicky turned out, and Jesse was talking about his hair loss. The Bickersons are finally jolted back to reality when they realize that one of the twins is sick. Cue the serious music!

Back at the pirate restaurant, Stephanie's sunken treasure comes out and looks absolutely foul. It includes an octopus or squid that may or may not be dead as it suctions itself to the plate. Joey is about to enjoy his "slab of salted beef" when he is suddenly bombarded by a throng of prepubescent fans. He says that he'll be more than happy to sign autographs as soon as he finishes his dinner. Just then, one of the little pukes sneezes on his food and Joey is thoroughly disgusted. Yet another example of the gross mishandling of food done by FH. Vomit. A giant chocolate cake is mistakenly delivered to the Tanner table until Stephanie informs the waitstaff that UgSnot's name isn't Sarah.

DJ recognizes some kids from school who totally laugh at her. Then their bitchy ringleader Shelly, walks up to her and says that they're there to make fun of the losers who go there with their families. Again, I have to question how cool this Shelly bitch and her friends are that they would actually waste an entire night sitting in a lame restaurant. Methinks they need to reexamine their priorities. Rather than point out this glaringly obvious point, DJ just slumps down in her chair and covers her face, humiliated.

Danny is fed up by his family's shitty attitude and asks for the check. Because somebody ordered the Sunken Treasure and didn't finish it, the pirate captain is making Danny walk the plank. He yells "Argh!" a lot, leading to the obvious and unfunny pun "That's your favorite letter, isn't it?" You should have to walk the plank for that lame joke alone, Tanner. Before he walks the plank, Danny stands before the entire restaurant and gives a speech about what he wanted out of this evening, some good clean family fun and togetherness. Stephanie runs up and tries to take his place because after all, she was the one who ordered the undersea world of Jacques Cousteau for dinner. Joey runs up and says that he had a rotten attitude from the get-go and this is all his fault and he should walk the plank. DJ then comes up and says they all had bad attitudes and says that she was embarrassed to be there, but now that she's standing up in front of the entire restaurant... she's entirely humiliated. UgSnot joins the rest of the family up on the deck, but the only thing she wants to know is if Sarah is going to eat all of that cake. Sarah just nods and I laugh at Michelle not getting her way. Man, Ug's a piggish little snot, isn't she? The entire family ends up walking the plank into a ball pit and all I can think about is all of the disgusting things that probably lay on the bottom of that pit. Blecchh.

At the house, Jesse and Becky take all the proper steps to care for the sick twin. Jesse begins playing the blame game and beats himself up over taking the baby out without a hat until Becky points out that he took Nicky out and Alex is the one that is sick. When they finally get the doctor on the phone everything he tells them, they've already done and Jesse wonders what the hell they're paying him for. Alex's fever goes down, they've survived their first medical emergency, go Team Katsopolis!

"That's not sweat- it's a mother's glow" or Happy Birthday, Babies, Parts I and II (5.9, 5.10)

I have to preface that the second episode of this two-parter is quite possibly hands down my favorite FH episode. Even though the end result is Nicky and Alex, Jesse's post-surgery doped up ramblings always have me in stitches. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm pretty much going to skip over the first episode because it's even more Ug-Centric than ever. You see, it's Ug's 5th birthday and she's just ever so excited for her Flinstones themed birthday party. To placate the whining hosebeast, Danny whips out her baby book and we're tortured with about 30 minutes of reminiscing about UgSnot through the years. Yeah, it's pretty much a clip show. Clips of pure, unadulterated fug. Danny says that with her 5th birthday, they'll be able to complete her baby book and then they can start two new baby books for the twins. Because the attention has been shifted off of her for 5 minutes, Ug throws a pouty shit-fit and demands they cancel her birthday so that she can stay a baby forever. Pfft, the cancellation is not necessary, Michelle's always going to be a baby because she will always act like an immature petulant brat so long as the Tanner clan enables her like they do.

Blah blah, ass-kissing cakes, eventually the family convinces Michelle to age (like she really had a choice in the matter) and her Flinstones party kicks off. We have Danny as Dino, Jesse as Fred, Joey as Barney, DJ as Wilma, Steph as Betty, Michelle as Pebbles, Comet as a Stegosaurus and Becky as the ferocious Pregosaurus. This is a pretty extravagant affair and I can't help but feel like I was gypped in my childhood so far as my birthday parties (I keed I keed, that shit's tacky as fuck). Becky goes into labor and the entire family freaks and caught up in all of the excitement, they all rush out the door leaving Ug and all of her party guests behind unattended. Cue the cheesy "Home Alone" joke. Since none of the kids are allowed to use matches, Ug simulates blowing out the candles. The kids also aren't allowed to use knives so Teddy karate chops the cake. Yuck. The myriad of ways that this show mishandles food in the most disgusting manner possible skeeves me out. Just then, Joey, DJ and Steph rush in and see they were too late.

At the hospital, Jesse, still in his Fred Flinstone muumuu, starts experiencing what he believes to be "sympathy pains." Turns out he needs to have his appendix removed. Danny, still dressed as Dino, offers to step in and act as Becky's coach. He also asks for a hospital gown to change into. Once he does, he manages to flash a couple of old ladies on account of he's not wearing any pants.

Back at the house, DJ and Stephanie organize a game of Open the Present You Brought as Fast as You Can. The kids open the presents and present them to Ug as she walks down the line deciding whether or not she likes the gift. Man, she's such a little shit. I wonder how many of those kids only went to the party for the free cake or because their parents made them. My guess is all but Teddy. They rush the guests out so that they can meet up with the rest of the family at the hospital.

At the hospital, Danny is coaching a sweaty Becky through her breathing exercises. Her breathing pattern prompts Danny to start singing "We Will Rock You." Yet another reason for me to love Danny Tanner, he's a Queen fan! Joey, DJ and Steph arrive and it turns out that Kimmy's also kicking it at the hospital. She's found a cute boy with 2 broken arms to prey upon. Apparently she spoon fed him Jell-o. Danny opens the door to invite the crew from WUSF into Becky's delivery room. Becky is less than thrilled with Danny's idea to include her giving birth as a segment on the show and she plasters a fake smile on her face as she tells the crew, and San Francisco, to get out of her room.

Now comes the brilliance. They wheel in Jesse, who just had his appendix removed and who is completely hopped up on painkillers. He calls Danny "Donny" and mistakes him for Becky's husband. Becky and Danny try to set him straight and Jesse replies "A wife and a baby in the same day... radical." He then launches into a song "Having my baby... what a lovely way to say how much you looooooove me." This recap doesn't even do the hilarity of it all justice. I tried to find a video of it on youtube but was unsuccessful, so hopefully most of you remember this scene as vividly as I do. Jesse asks Becky "Won't your husband Donny be jealous?" Bwah. Slays me.

Becky gives birth, Joey does some dumb voices, Danny promises the twins April fresh diapers. They reveal the names, one is Alexander, named for Becky's high school teacher who inspired her to pursue a career in journalism and the other is Nicholas, named for Jesse's father. UgSnot's pissy about having to share her birthday, until the prospect of 3 cakes is brought up and her piggish heart swells with glee. The family softly sings "Happy Birthday" to Michelle, Alex and Nicky and this show just got a whole lot more annoying.

BONUS: While I was trying to find a clip of Uncle Jesse stoned, I happened upon this video of Jesse's song "A Little More Love" from a couple recaps back. Turns out it's an original song co-wrote by Stamos and Mark Vogel. Enjoy! I can't help it, I think it's catchy as fuck!

"Well I know I'm just as sad about this tap shoe tragedy as she is." or The Legend of Ranger Joe (5.6)

Look at me! Back to blogging! Your prayers have been answered. Also, please note another new addition to the blogroll; long-time reader and hilarious commentator colleenn has launched a blog reliving the glory of old school Nickelodeon so you should definitely check it out.

Stephanie, being the gracious and all around wonderful sister that she is, gives UgSnot her old tap shoes and teaches her a simple tap routine to "Tea for Two." Michelle, naturally, sucks ass.

Jesse is trying to come up with names for the twins and is obviously hiding something about his obsession over selecting the perfect names. Joey meanders downstairs, looking like shit after completely bombing his comedy show from the night before. Apparently his audience was comprised of foreign tourists and unfortunately, unfunny is a language that can be understood by all. Jesse tells Joey that he's in luck because a newspaper strike is preventing the bad review of Joey's show from reaching the masses. The phone rings and it's the local radio station with a trivia question: How much does Deputy Dog weigh? Jesse, like most people in this situation, has the appropriate "WTF?" kind of reaction. Joey lunges at the phone and answers that "Without his hat and uniform, Deputy Dog weighs 43 lbs." And wow, Joey just achieved a new level of loser I didn't think possible. With that bit of useless trivia, Joey has won himself Donny and Marie tickets. Um... yay? Were tickets to an Osmond concert considered a hot commodity?

Joey settles in to wait for the cable guy, and is expecting to be in it for the long haul, but his lucky streak continues when the cable man knocks on the door. And the cable man turns out to be a hot cable woman. She's bummed because apparently she tried to secure Donny and Marie tickets and they were sold out. Um really? Have I been greatly underestimating the mass appeal of those toothy Mormon fools? Joey scores himself a date and also some free cable including the truck and trailer pull channel. Um yay again? I know these are all supposed to be kickass things that are building a lucky streak for Joey, but color me unimpressed.

The guys turn on "Wake Up San Francisco" and today's guest is children's TV host, Ranger Roy. He comes out and has everyone give themselves a big bear hug. During the interview, Roy tells Danny that he's planning on retiring from the magical forest and Danny suggests Joey as a replacement.

Back at the house, Ug is being annoying. I know I know, what else is new? But, this time she's annoying us in a new medium, that of tap-dancing butchery. She is straight-up the most obnoxious tap dancing troll ever. Poor Stephanie, this is what she gets for trying to be nice to her shitkicker of a sister.

Joey goes down to the station to audition to be the successor to Ranger Roy's tree stump. Prior to Joey's arrival, Roy informs Danny that he suffers from acute physical paranoia. That means that Roy hates to be touched and when he is, he freaks out and hyperventilates. That is why he created the whole "give yourself a big bear hug" shtick. Joey comes in and wows Roy with his myriad of cartoon voices and gets the job. Joey is so ecstatic and thankful that he gives Roy a big hug, and mistakes his stressed breathing as shared joy. Joey runs off to spread his good news and Danny apologizes on his behalf and says that he won't regret hiring Joey. To this, Ranger Roy simply replies, through labored breaths, "He's fired!"

At the house, Stephanie and Becky are enthralled watching the truck and trailer pull channel. Steph also confesses that she hid Michelle's shoes and buried them i the backyard. Bwah! Go Steph! Joey comes in and tells the girls his good news and proclaims it to be his luckiest day ever. DJ comes in and tells everyone that she called Grandma to get to the bottom of Jesse's squirrelly behavior regarding the twins' names and reveals that Uncle Jesse's real name is... Hermes! Ouch. That's pretty rough, and I'm part Greek.

Jesse comes in carrying the stolen tap shoes. Unfortunately, Stephanie's dastardly plan was foiled by Comet who dug up the tap shoes. Stephanie tries to play it off that Comet buried them until Jesse points out that the shoes were sealed in a plastic bag and then buried. Heh, whoops. Stephanie cracks and says that she could take it anymore, the incessant "Tea for two, tap tap tap" ad nauseum. She declares that her only options were to bury the shoes or lose her mind. Hey, I'm with you Steph. Though I would have probably opted to bury Michelle in the backyard. Ug turns to Uncle Jesse and says, "Thank you for finding my shoes Uncle Hermes." Becky, DJ and Steph are unable to contain their laughter as a look of horror descends upon Jesse when he realizes his secret is out.

Jesse defends his name saying that Hermes is the god of swiftness and the name represents strength, courage and hot feet. The girls apologize and ask if he wants them to start calling him Hermes to which he scoffs, "No, do I look like a geek?"

Now it's time for Joey's lucky streak to come to a screeching halt. The paper strike is over and all of the horrendous reviews of Joey's show are now out in the public eye. Next, he gets a phone call from the radio station. Turns out that his 4th cousin is the station janitor so he's ineligible to collect the Donny & Marie tickets. I've heard about stipulations like that before, but doesn't that seem a little absurd? I know I know, it's just FH, and since it's causing Joey distress, I'll look the other way. For his troubles, they throw in a sweatband. Sweet. Hot cable girl comes back and informs Joey that the cable's out for the entire street, but also to make sure that they're still on for the concert. Joey tells her that he lost out on the tickets and she flips on him for lying to her. Psycho bitch! How superficial is this ho? Ugh, did I just defend Joey? Gross. So Joey loses the tickets, but offers her the sweatband and she gets all pissy that he doesn't have it on him. Superficial ho, get off my TV screen!

Danny comes in to deliver the final blow. He tells Joey about Ranger Roy's acute physical paranoia and tells him that he lost the job. Joey is horrified because he sent Roy a bear hug-a-gram as a thank you, and even paid extra for the tummy rub. Joey and Danny rush down to the station to intercept the giant manbear(pig) and save Ranger Roy. Unfortunately, they're too late. Roy goes into full-on hyperventilation but it's time for the show to begin. Ruh-roh. Danny pulls Joey onto the set to cover for Roy and Joey's reluctant but steps up and does a pretty decent job. Joey and Mr. Woodchuck "entertain" us with their stupid wood puns and Roy recovers from his attack and is impressed with Joey's performance. He gives Joey the job, but unfortunately does not require him to cut his mullet. He has the children attack Joey with a bear hug and the episode ends with me being skeeved out with some serious Michael Jackson pedo-vibes.

"Well there was a turtle and a duck..." or The King and I (5.5)

The whole Tanner clan is excitedly preparing for the annual Tanner Family Picnic where they are representing the Bay area Tanners. All of their tasks have been assigned: Ug and Jesse are doing the balloon race, Joey is doing the pie eating contest and Stephanie and DJ are doing the 3-legged race. Stephanie is insistent that they begin practicing right away and ties their legs together. Just then, DJ's phone rings and she thinks it's some studly stud from school and the girls 3-leg their way up the stairs only to find out that the call is for Stephanie.

Joey starts boasting about his pie eating abilities, and Becky and her prego ass steps up to challenge him. Since she's eating for 3, she easily kicks his ass and replaces Joey as the Tanner rep in the pie-eating contest. She smokes him so bad that she even has time to give Jesse a blueberry covered kiss and return to eating and still win! Jesse tells the family that he needs to come up with the song to end all songs and is not to be disturbed under any circumstances.

Down in the basement, I mean studio, Jesse is hard at work, agonizing and trying to come up with the ultimate song (think Roger in "Rent" with "One Song Glory"). Michelle comes down wanting to practice the balloon race for the picnic (Side note: What the hell is a balloon race? Is that when you stick a balloon between your thighs and try to waddle across the finish line without popping the balloon?) Joey comes in to be his annoying self and Becky tries to bring Jesse a sandwich and all three are promptly booted out of the room by a surly Jesse. Becky thinks she's exempt from the expulsion because she's all fat and prego and waddled all the way down the stairs just to bring him a tasty sangwich. Jesse is merciless and tells her to get to stepping.

It's time for the Tanner Family Picnic! Joey tells Becky that he has entered the pie eating contest as a Wild Card contestant and it's just like let it go, fat man. Becky beat you, so you should probably look towards cultivating a talent other than competitive eating or comedy. Kimmy's ready and raring to go, but Danny feigns sadness over the fact that there's no room in the van for anyone outside the family. Just then, Jesse comes in and declares that he's not going to the picnic. Danny pleads with Jesse that the possibility of Kimmy joining them in the van means the family needs him now, more than ever. Jesse refuses, and Ug whines that he's her partner and he says to find a new partner. She pisses and moans that he promised and Jesse snaps that he's breaking his promise and for the family to go fuck themselves (not verbatim). The adults are a little taken aback by Jesse's demeanor and UgSnot pouts, "Uncle Jesse's not nice anymore." Uproarious laughter ensues from my couch at Ug's misery.

Jesse gets back to work but still has got nothing, so he goes for a ride to go clear his head. Meanwhile, in the rented van, Joey has to pee, Ug whines "Are we there yet?" and Stephanie accuses Kimmy of staring at her. Kimmy denies it, but she totally is. Just then, a familiar stank descends upon the car. Did they hit a skunk? Nay! Kimmy decided to take her shoes off and let her rankass feet air out.

Jesse has arrived at some podunk truck stop diner and is seated next to an Elvis/Wayne Newton look-alike. He chides Jesse for snapping at his family and tells him that family is the most important thing and should always come first because without family, all the success that comes with a great music career means nothing without the love of your family. Would you like some cheese on your sandwich, faux-Elvis? Jesse compliments his advice and he says "Thank you, thank you very much." Jesse remarks that he reminds him of someone, and faux-Elvis says that he gets it all the time, that he looks like Wayne Newton.

Jesse takes off to try and catch up with the family at the picnic and comes upon the van broken down. He rides up on his motorcycle like a knight on his steed ready to save the day. It's like pitch-black out now, so unless this Tanner Family picnic is a 2 or 3-day extravaganza, methinks they might have missed it. Jesse fixes the van in a matter of minutes and apologizes to the family. Obvs, because UgSnot is, well, an ugly little snot, won't accept Jesse's apology at first until he promises to do the race with her. So I guess they didn't miss the picnic. But why? Why must they always cater to this little doucherag?

When everyone's back home, Jesse debuts the new song he wrote that was inspired by his love of his family (laaaaaaaame). We'll call it "Give a Little More Love" because that seems to be the most repeated phrase in the chorus. The family grooves out gaily. Jesse does a crazy conga drum solo and his black female back up singer looks SO familiar. Where do I know her from? She's not on the IMDB page! Help meee! It pains me to admit it, but I actually kind of like the song. It's cheesy as hell but also pretty catchy. Don't you judge!